What if I was Nothing?

A/N: Finally getting to this story. Not sure how long it'll be, maybe just a two-three shot. But with my muse, who knows?

"What if I was nothing? / What if this is true? / What if I was nothing, girl? / Nothing without you / So, what if I was angry? / What did you think I'd do? / I told you that I love you, girl / Nothing without you" - What if I was Nothing by All that Remains

Prologue

The anger was corrosive, festering and simmering just below the surface, waiting to be unleashed in one massive release. It had started not long after this divorce from Addison. He was finally free from a marriage he'd felt obligated to continue, free to choose who to love; finally free to choose Meredith. Yet when he'd brought up the possibility of them starting fresh, beginning something open and honest, a real commitment to each other, she'd rejected him. He chalked it up to her near-drowning in Elliot Bay, to losing her mother. He waited until she was back to work and then asked again. And again, she'd rejected him. It had confused him, but he'd reluctantly given her space. And it wasn't long before Burke and Cristina's wedding had gone up in flames, and Meredith had gone to comfort her person. And for two weeks, he'd waited once again. Waited for her to give him a chance, to see that things could be different.

And when she finally reappeared, Cristina and the other interns by her side, his anger was reaching a boiling point.

Chapter 1

Derek sat at Joe's, nursing a scotch on the rocks. His annoyance was practically palpable, and only Joe dared approach him when his glass was empty. Things had been fine these last few months, so he wasn't sure what exactly had changed. He couldn't help but replay the last few months leading up to tonight in his head.

Meredith had tried to drown herself in the bathtub, tried to drown herself in Elliot Bay; she'd lost her mother, lost her step-mother; Addison had gone off to LA for a few days, had come back. He'd overheard talks that she was going to take the LA job, in fact. Burke and Cristina were going to get married.

And that was when it all came crashing down.

Everything had happened at once, really. Burke had left Yang at the aisle, and then he and Meredith had gotten into a fight. She wanted to run from his love because Burke had decided to run from marriage? How did that even make sense? Still, he'd fired off insults of his own. Accusing her of not wanting to swim when she knew how to, calling out her suicidal tendencies. (Because really, how could people not see that she was suicidal?) So, they'd fought. And she'd stormed off to find her person. There was no time to figure things out, to ask her to stay, to get her to listen. And it had infuriated him; she always ran when things got tough.

Which led him to now, two weeks later, sitting at the bar, getting drunk, because he just wanted her to understand that he loved her.

The bell above the door chimed loudly, and he glanced over at it, scowling into his drink. Mark and Callie were making their way inside, with Addison coming in behind them. They sat at a nearby table, close enough that he could hear them.

The only good thing that had happened recently was that Addison was going to take a job with Naomi and Sam in L.A. It meant he didn't have to see her every day; he could heal from the pain and anguish she'd caused him.

"It's the best news I've heard all day," Mark was saying as they sat down.

Addison laughed, and he didn't know why the sound pissed him off more; probably because it was her laughter, "Just because I've changed my mind?"

Changed her mind? What?

"Means I get to see you everyday, Red," Mark replied.

"Means he gets to fantasize about us," Callie interjected, making Addison laugh again.

Was Addison not going to LA now? No, that couldn't be right. Naomi had called him with the good news just two days ago.

"You could've fantasized about me in LA," Addison shot back.

The door chimed again, and he didn't have to look to see who it was. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, the sound of interns laughing and chatting as they made their way into the bar. And he recognized Meredith's laugh instantly.

She and the other interns sat at a booth, and Karev and O'Malley had gone up to get their drinks. He'd watched her from the bar, annoyance setting in. She refused to acknowledge him, refused to see that he was right there, waiting for her to see him.

But instead, her eyes were on the table beside him, on Addison and Callie and Mark. And it made no sense. What did they have that he didn't? Why wouldn't she look at him?

Addison noticed her gaze then and, ignoring his presence, as if she hadn't seen him sitting there, sent a teasing wink the blonde's way, which made Meredith's face bloom red. What the fuck was going on?

"Okay, okay," Callie's voice pulled him from his thoughts, but he kept his gaze on Meredith. He saw that Meredith was focused back on her friends, regaling them with what she and Cristina got up to while in Hawaii, "You had this job all set in L.A., so what changed?"

"I can't just change my mind?" Addison asked, turning back to Mark and Callie.

"No," Mark deadpanned, "With you, there's always a reason."

"Well, my reason is that I changed my mind."

He waited for Meredith to notice him watching her, but she didn't, simply keeping her focus on her friends. Two weeks he'd waited for her. Two. Weeks. And he couldn't even talk to her alone. He downed the rest of his scotch, left the money on the counter, and left the bar.

He found Meredith in the intern locker room the next day, getting ready for rounds. It was early, and he knew she would be earlier than the others. Despite living with O'Malley and Stevens, she was the first one here; it was weird. As though she hadn't stayed at her house the night before.

"Meredith," he began and watched as she jumped, holding her scrub top against her front as she turned at his voice. What the hell? When had she gotten so modest?

"Derek," she greeted, turning and putting on her top, "What can I do for you today?"

Why did she always play this game? She knew what he wanted. Why couldn't she just give it to him? Why couldn't she just give him - give them - a chance?

So, he'd asked. He'd begged. He'd pleaded. And she'd rejected him all the same. But this time, this time he needed a reason. Why she continued to push him away, why she refused to let him love her. And she'd refused to give him the answer. He was prepared to stand there, as long as it took; but the sudden page forced him to leave. There was nothing he could do. The surgery couldn't wait.

He caught up with her again after his surgery. He'd found that she was scrubbed into OR 3 with Addison. She would be assisting Addison all week on neonatal, and he was lucky that he'd caught her as she was scrubbing out. He barely spared a glance at his ex-wife, not even caring that she was in the room.

"Are you done avoiding me?" He asked as he stepped into the room.

Meredith let out a long, drawn out sigh, "Dr. Shepherd, what part of I don't want to date you don't you understand?"

Her professionalism irked him. Why couldn't she just give him a straightforward answer?

"That's an excuse," he replied.

"Is it now?" Meredith bit back, "Have you considered that I want to be single for a while? Or that maybe I like someone else? Hell, maybe I'm sick of all the back-and-forth and want someone who can give me more than that. Did you think of that?"

He thought of the interaction between her and Addison the night before, but it was simply a fleeting thought. There was no way… "You like someone else?"

He could practically hear her eyes roll, "Of course that's all you heard, Derek. I'm done talking about this with you. We're over. So over."

"No…" he started. She couldn't just end everything like this.

"Well said, Dr. Grey," Addison swiftly interrupted, looking over at him, "If you're done harassing my intern, Dr. Shepherd, we have a consult to get to."

"No, I'm not done talking to my girlfriend," he retorted angrily.

"Ex-girlfriend," Meredith replied, fixing him with a glare, "And yes, we are done here. I have work to do."

And with that, Meredith followed Addison out of the scrub room.

He spent the rest of his shift trying to find a way to get Meredith to listen to him. The direct approach got him nowhere. Cornering her got him nowhere. Catching her off-guard got him nowhere. He just wanted her to listen. Why was that so hard for her to do? In the end, he figured out the easiest way, if not ethically immoral. After all, a bit of Rohypnol going missing wouldn't be that big of a deal; there was that pharmacist that had a crush on him. He'd simply explained that he needed the drug for a patient; not much, barely 1 mg of the stuff; at first, she was hesitant, but a little sweet-talking and the woman had caved. If only Meredith had been that easy. It didn't matter. Once he finally got her to listen to him, it would all be worth it.

A/N: Chapter 2 is gonna be a bit. We'll see when I can get it up.