Thanksgiving-eve. The small-town bar. The dreaded return to the high-school scented scene, only mixed with the legality that brought on awkward encounters.
Obligations got stickier the older Lexi got, and as her mother dissolved more and more into the bottle the return for holidays became more and more bitter. Besides, college was what was keeping her grounded, and home never had felt that way. She'd always felt like home had been a long elevator ride. Smothered, cramped, awkward, stuffy, patiently watching the years tick by, number by number. Finally allowed to exit, and find solace in a place that she thrived. She loved going to Smith, she loved the distance between her and her adolescence, she loved the sprawling green campus and cozy dorms. The inevitable holiday return was bringing back waves of inner-child emotions, but she was forcing herself to endure it, out of responsibility. That's what adults did.
Cassie had insisted they go out though, and being the doting little sister who also considered her own need for escape, they trailed down the familiar driveway and towards Cassie's shiny new BMW. Cassie wore a conservative long leather skirt, and a blousy flowing afghan-top. Long gone were her days of mini-skirts and no panties, Cassie's new Santa-Barbara coastal life where she was the assistant director of an incredibly expensive celebrity rehab had introduced some level of rich-white-boss-babe energy to her life. Lexi was in tights and a simple button up black corduroy dress, with a long green coat and brass-buckled Mary-Janes. Cassie had looked her up and down and called her a walking Smith-cliché moments before they'd left the house.
The air outside was damp and chilly, and the suburban streets were quiet. Lexi sat in the car quietly, still stung from the quip made my her sister, but tried to let it go as they were both coping with the anxiety of being home.
"He's awful, isn't he?" Cassie groaned, referring to the bald ring-wearing Serbian man her mother was engaged to.
"I think she's leaning into domestic bliss again, maybe it'll be good for her?" Lexi responded. Cassie sighed. "Is Maddy back in town?"
"I don't know, she never responded to my text. Maybe?" Cassie rolled her eyes again. "She can never decide if she still hates or loves me, so I don't really care. I just wish Justin was here. You know, it's so ridiculous he has to still work on his case over Thanksgiving, like, don't the courts take breaks sometimes? You know, he's supposed to make partner by next year?" Cassie idled at a red light, admiring her engagement ring.
Lexi nodded, she'd only told her three times in the last four hours. Cassie, no matter her accolades, no matter her masters degree, still so enthralled by the accomplishments of her other.
"God this town." Lexi said, watching the suburbs transition into the modest and quaint downtown.
"You've only been gone two years, it's still home. You're so dramatic."
"I'm never coming back here aside from visits."
"Don't make promises you don't know if you'll keep." Cassie said. "Just try and have fun?"
"How can one have fun with a place so steeped in trauma? You sure you don't want to seek out a questionably supervised house party where we can snort molly out of eachother's bellybuttons?"
"You're not down." Cassie laughed, pulling into the lot behind the cocktail bar.
It was busy, but not packed inside. A building Lexi remembered passing countless times in her youth but never being inside. Drinking on a legal basis was new to her, so bars still had an era of mystery to them. Immediately she spotted a few East Highland alum, but nobody she knew aside from name and face. The walls were mirrored but not in an obnoxious way, more classy than tacky. Cassie confidently headed to the bar but Lexi lingered in the crowd, taking scope of the room for a few long moments, catching her breath. She pulled out her phone, smiling at a DM from her roommate responding to an ironic home-for-the-holidays story post. Ughhhh Lexi texted back, slipping her phone back into her clutch.
Once the sisters were seated at a high-top, Cassie with a girly mocktail the color of grapefruits, Lexi with an old familiar Sam Adams. Cassie was on another tangent about her socialite circle in Santa Barbara, and Lexi was starting to subtly dissociate. She kept catching herself in the mirror, big brown eyes carefully lined, hair highlighted by her friends at school looking surreptitiously professional. She looked older than she felt.
Cassie screeched suddenly, seeing an old friend across the way, and suddenly Lexi was alone there, watching the world stream past her. She wondered why this trip felt heavier than others. Felt daunting. Like the trauma of her youth was finally catching up to her.
After a few moments alone, she accepted the fact Cassie would be dissolved in her reunion for a while, Lexi slid off the stool and began to wander. The building was thin but long, so she tiptoed her way towards the back, winding through the crowd. There were no red-solo cups here, no random bottles being passed around. It felt tame, and safe. Adults drinking out of heavy glasses, laughing, talking, reminiscing.
She dipped into a hallway, pulling her phone out again, hopeful for more notifications from her Real life. No such luck. She decided to pee, out of boredom. The line was short and she took a long time washing her hands, idly listening to the conversation between girls in stalls.
She left the bathroom, staring at her phone again, and suddenly bumped into a solid body.
"Oh, shit, sorry-" she began to stammer.
"Damn, I thought that was you." A deep voice said, and she was suddenly staring into eyes she'd not seen in years. Clear, blue, sad eyes swimming with soul. It all hit her like an electric shock, but she found herself throwing her arms around his neck, relief washing over her.
"Fez, what the fuck?" she whispered into his neck. The last time she'd seen or heard from him was the day before graduation. Rumors had swirled, she'd assumed he'd left the city.
There was a rush of dopamine at the initial touch, and she felt her stomach dip as he stepped away from the hug but his hand didn't leave the small of her back. So many memories, some traumatic but most sweet and gentle and filled with some of the best experiences she'd had in high school. She'd always felt like the luckiest girl in the world to see the sides of him she'd got to. Out of everyone in the world, she was fairly certain he was the last person she'd run into here.
"I didn't even see you when I came in, did you just get here?" she sputtered. He smiled, dipping his head.
"Nah, I'm in the back, thought I saw a ghost in the mirrors when I was passing by." He said. "You here with someone?"
"Cassie."
"How's she doing?"
"She's good, great. She's engaged, and rich, and beautiful, y'know. She's Cassie."
He smiled wider, his eyes lighting up. Her stomach did flip-flops like it did when she was a kid. He'd aged some, the lines on his forehead and corner of the eyes crinkled with emotion and stayed there. His scar was more defined because his hair was shaved almost to the scalp, but he'd kept his beard. He had on a bomber jacket, pushed up to his elbows, and his arms were covered in tattoos she'd never seen.
"How're you doing?" he asked, his voice low and slow and careful.
The bathroom door opened suddenly, almost hitting her. He pulled her out of the way quickly, and they stepped further back into the hall.
"No, no, I have a million questions for you first." She said, patting him lightly on the chest.
"Lemme get you a drink first, at least?" he said with a laugh.
"Okay." She squeaked.
"Come on, come to the back for a 'sec." he said, and slipped his hand around hers, big and warm and suddenly familiar.
Her head was spinning. There was so many neurotic things knocking around in her head. She wanted to demand answers, wanted to be brave, but what was their ending going to be if he hadn't disappeared? She was going to join his life of crime and commit to it? That wasn't who she was, never was, and that's why he'd liked her. They'd been an escape from eachother's own realities, a blend that was as intoxicating as it was inevitably doomed.
Instead of heading back to the bar, they went to the back of the hallway, where she noticed a bouncer she hadn't seen before in front of a large wooden door. Without a word he opened the door for Fez, nodding at Lexi as they passed. This back room was carpeted in rich red velvet, and smelled of expensive scotch, cigars and weed. There were a couple leather booths, sunk into the floor, and big screen TV's mounted on each wall, horse races playing on a couple. A couple old men sat in one corner, and a group of young people she didn't recognize sat where Fezco pulled her. Some beautifully scantily clad women curled up around a young man dressed in silk, his hat pulled low. A couple large black men were beside them, and they looked up at Lexi with a curious, bordering on suspicious, glare.
"Old friend." Fez said, by way of explanation. Lexi waved, feeling awkward, out of place. He bent, scooping up a couple blunts and pocketing them, and then pulled her again away to a alcove in the corner, where a beautiful woman was shaking a crystal shaker and tracing Lexi up and down with her eyes.
He didn't ask what she wanted, and ordered for them, which made Lexi twinge with a sort of girlish pinch. The bartender smiled brightly at Fezco, familiar and polite, but paid no attention to Lexi after she'd taken her initial look.
They stood silently beside one another, a mingled shared tension between the two. She took the glass of liquor, short and brown and garnished with an orange peel. She took a sip, tried not to wince. He led her to a pair of leather chairs below one of the TV's, where they faced the old men and not his group of friends.
"You liking school?" he asked. She nodded.
"Love it." She said. He waited, in the way he always did. Lexi was always reminded of a therapist when she spoke to him, the way he sat in silence after you started speaking, because he knew she'd fill the silence and he'd patiently listen to her. "A lot, actually. It's been really cool, and the east coast is beautiful. We go to the city a lot, the campus is stunning and it's all women, y'know, so it's a nice environment. Feels like home."
He watched her talk, observing how her mouth formed each word, pretty and pink. Her hair fell into her face every now and then but she'd keep sweeping it away, it was so long now, streaked with blonde that looked nearly bronze in the low lights of the VIP room. Her face and body had filled out, her lanky adolescent body was long gone, she had more hips and more thighs and was thicker in all the right places. It was a face he'd missed dearly, one that haunted him still in dreams.
He'd never really made it official with her, it never felt right to. She was deserving of much more than he had ever been able to give her, back then and maybe even more-so now. But he could picture her in the passenger seat of the Cadillac, eyes heavy from the weed, which is all he'd ever let her use. Dark hair swimming in the wind, her singing along to Mac and tapping her fingers along the dash and then tapping them fingers against the side of his cheek, poking him 'til he smiled.
He realized she'd stopped talking, and was watching him carefully, spinning her drink.
"Sorry." He said, shaking his head, dazed. He rarely lost focus. He hadn't been anticipating this, but then again, he never had.
"Where'd you go?" she asked.
He smiled, because her tone indicated she already knew the answer.
"You want to to get out of here? Go for a walk?" he asked, grinning.
"What about your friends?" she asked, nodding in their direction.
"They're more like associates."
"Well won't your associates miss you?"
"What about your sister?" he asked.
"She's fine." She waved him off.
Just like that, she was walking beside him, passing under streetlights, the cold air wrapping around Lexi's calves and sneaking it's way up inside her coat. Fez pulled one of the blunts out of his pocket, lighting it in cupped hands. He was more vigilant outside of the building, she watched him as he scanned the area around them. Trauma breeds acuity, constant caution. Experience makes you adept at dealing with it.
"Where'd you go?" she finally asked.
"I didn't go anywhere." He answered. "Just removed myself from the public eye. I was barely there to begin with, but the community we had was moving on, it was time to take a brief respite. Retirement, in a way."
"You didn't retire." She said, tapping the Brietling on his wrist. More subtle than a Rolex, less flashy, but she knew what they cost. "You promoted."
"I won't bore you with the details my college-educated girl." He said ruefully. "I do alright. I do my job. You know what it was, everything comes at a price."
She was silent for a long moment, only listening to the way their shoes hit the pavement. She looked at his profile, his rust beard catching the light of the streetlamps every few feet. She used to trace the scar on his head whenever he laid in her lap. The brief love affair with someone who on the surface, seemed dangerous. But his heart was never dangerous, and he'd let her in, for just a moment. A long time ago.
"I was just trying to protect you, you know that, right?" he said. "You've got a whole world to conquer, you're too smart for this life. And I told you that, over and over."
"I don't listen well."
"You sure don't." he laughed. "It's old news, Lex. Tell me about the now, the present. You got a boyfriend?"
"It's a woman's only college." She snapped.
"Girlfriend?"
She rolled her eyes at him.
"Too focused on knowledge, no time for love." She said, lying. She thought of the boy back home, who came from an Ivy League family, who smelled like leather and crisp fall air, but who looked at her like he looked at a football game. Nobody had ever looked at her like Fez had, like she was a precious and rare gemstone, or a sunset after a storm.
"Liar." He said, and she playfully smacked his arm. "I want to hear about it."
"There's nothing to tell." She said, meaning it.
"Alright, alright, I won't push. I'm glad you're out seeing the world. I was hoping you'd have more to report back."
"You want to hear about the lectures of post-colonized France?" she asked
"Of course I do."
They'd rounded a corner, and he paused, watching a blacked out Mercedes drive past. He narrowed his eyes, taking a long drag on the blunt.
"Someone you know?"
"I don't know anybody." He shrugged. "You know that."
"You know me."
He stopped, leaning against a building, looking at her up and down.
"You're different now. In a better way, though."
"Not so different." She said, feeling daring. She leaned beside him, reaching for the edge of his jacket. She could feel the warmth from his body inches from her hand. She knew if she moved her hand closer she'd feel the cold steel of a 9mm against his belly. She thought for a moment about a distant memory, his hands on her jaw, his thumb pressed into her lips, the grip deliciously firm but careful.
"You got a girl?" she flipped the script, arching a brow. He laughed.
"I don't ever fall in love, it's the one instinct you can't trust." He said, quoting something his Grandma had drilled into his head for years.
Instinct, she thought. She closed her eyes. What about the instinct to pursue passion, the instinct to be touched? The instinct she had to grab him right there and take what she felt was still hers. But nobody owns anyone, and nobody owes anyone.
"I'm not talking about love." She said. "Do you or don't you?"
"Nah." He said. "Can't really get into that habit."
"Habit? Big words coming from a dealer." She said. She turned away, staring up into the darkened sky. She remembered what day it was, what day lied ahead. She remembered where she was. She started to feel suffocated again, by all of it. She shut her eyes.
"You want to get out of here?" he asked. "You want to come escape whatever reality it is you're stressing over for a while?"
Her eyes were still closed, she felt his hand touch her face, her cheek, just for a second. He traced it carefully, like porcelain. She thought of the night they first met, the very first night. Those hands, she thought, and what they did.
"You still believe in God?" she asked
"Yeah."
"Then yeah." She said. "Let's go."
Her eyes popped open. He was smiling.