August 1946
The wedding was a few weeks away. The marriage of the Hon. George Crawley to Olivia Weston. It would be the wedding of the century for the village, since his mother and father's, and the exception of Carrie's. Everyone had fawned over Mattie, a healthy newborn, born at seven months. No one had asked questions. No one would dare ask if he had gotten Olivia with their child, that could have resulted after their night together after his return from spending several weeks with her and her father at their summer home. Something had shifted in their relationship during that time, had brought out a closeness he hadn't know was there.
He had moved the wedding up, just in case. That wasn't the only reason, of course. Olivia liked fall weddings, the changing color and smell of the fresh fallen leaves.
He was doing the right thing. He was moving forward.
Could he really just move on? Be the same person he was before the war? Maybe if he was, he wouldn't have been able to love Olivia. Did he love Olivia?
War changes one's perception of love. War changes people. He had lost a limb because of it. He started to think; he didn't feel different, that he had changed much. Talking to his brother and his friend Johnny Bates about the army made him feel better and alleviated some of his worries.
His brother, for one. Andy had been acting as if nothing was bothering him since he had gotten home. It had been different for their father. Something had been missing in him. They had sensed it since they were children.
George joined his father in his study. "How's Andy?" He had been woken up from his brother's screaming the previous night. By the time he had gotten to his room, his mother had been standing at the closed door, as if guarding it. His father was in the room with Andy. Everything had quieted down.
"It seems the two of you have been bonding. I thought he'd confide in you." Matthew had thought Andy would have spoken with his older brother, rather to him. Though they had fought in wars, they were still worlds away.
"He's just been having nightmares. He'll be fine."
"War changes people." His father poured himself a drink.
"It hasn't changed me." That's what Matthew had been afraid of. It made him seem weaker, feel weaker somehow.
"It did me. My mind was broke, not just my body. It broke me." He went on to talk about how it still stayed with him, for a long time. He had thought he had it managed, after ten years. He had been keeping it together, for all of them, after Beth had died. Then her first birthday had come. "I couldn't be a father to you, that you needed. You see, the man that I was, that your mother loved, died almost thirty years ago. I wasted so much time, trying to think I could be him again and feeling sorry for myself. She needed to accept, for us to start moving on. I still wasn't the best."
"You were. You were a great father. You still are. When I was younger, I felt angry, that you couldn't do things with me, get down on the floor with me and play or chase me around. But you were there for me. We could find other ways to do things." He told him about his dream about his truck having rolled under the settee and him trying to retrieve it from his wheelchair and that he'd push it around. "I don't know if that really happened or if it was a dream."
"It really happened." He wheeled around to his desk. He opened a drawer, pulling out a small box. A medal, a reward. He instantly recognized it.
"I never knew you had one of those!"
"I didn't. I gave it to the father of a friend. He saved my life. He deserved it. Your mother must have gotten it back for me, a long time ago, after or before Mr. Mason had died. I opened my drawer one day and it there it was.
"That was very generous. What you did for your friend. I would have done the same."
"You're very much like me George. But there's one difference. You were...are stronger than me."
"You're just old." They both smiled, the same smile.
"My son's getting married! How do you feel?"
"Nervous. Anxious."
"Good. That's normal. Marriage is living together and sharing responsibility for a very long time, hopefully till death. It's not just about that. It's about loving each other, compromising and trusting each other, and making sacrifices. The legal part is just a piece of paper."
Of course he'd bring legal jargon into it.
"How did you feel? Before your big day?"
"Scared. Horrified a bit actually. I thought she'd end up hating me, if I couldn't give her what she wanted, that she'd wake up one day and found herself tied down to a cripple, resenting becoming a nurse instead of my wife. But I was also relieved that I was marrying the love of my life. That I wouldn't be going through it alone. That we didn't have to be alone anymore. We could finally be ourselves. That is why God created Eve for Adam, created marriage. So we wouldn't be alone."
George grimaced a bit. He didn't know if he still believed in God. How could he? His friends died bloody horrible deaths, including the first love of his life. His father would have no advice on that. How could you find that same love again?
His father's faith was a testament to how strong he was, that couldn't be broken, when everything else in him was. He admired that about him. Maybe someday he could make his way back to God again.
"Can you imagine what us men would do without women? Their would be a war everyday."
He could ask what he did know. How his father's marriage had lasted so long? What was his secret? How did you know if you were making a mistake?
"How did you know? That you were right for each other?"
"You'll know."
"How?"
"I want to give you some glamourous story that it was love and first sight, but in truth not that glamorous, I'm afraid. It was a bit of a rocky start."
"That being an understatement?" George said.
Matthew smiled again and laughed.
"So are you going to tell me your secret to a life long marriage or are you going to keep it to yourself?"
Matthew was deep in thought for a moment.
"She never left my side, no matter what. That's what convinced me." He placed his hand on his son's arm. "Trust me. You'll know."
September 1946
Carrie gave birth to another girl, Maisie. The house was filled with noise again, with baby Maisie and Noah and little one year old Mattie, with the grandparents fussing over them. Carrie was a bit disappointed that she hadn't yet produced an heir for Miles. And yet was glad. She had made a deal with Lord Overton, Miles's father, that if she had a boy, that she and Miles would move in to the family estate.
It had become so noisy in fact, that Andy felt like he was trapped, alone, in a big house. Things were changing so fast, he felt like everything was hurdling through the universe at a frightening speed, and he was having difficulty catching up. Everyone was moving on, except for him, like he was the only one.
Or his head could have been spinning from the drinking.
Andy had gone out with a few friends and had come home late. He was downstairs, in the servants hall, hoping to sneak in. He couldn't make it to a bathroom, so he threw up in the kitchen sink. That would be a pleasant surprise for the cook in the morning.
Billy, was excellent to grab a drink with. But not who you would want to be friends with or would want your sister to date. He was glad that Jo had dumped him long ago and was married to a decent man.
'He's like my brother'. Jo would say.
"Which one?" Andy had jokingly replied. Jo had just brushed him off. It was like old times. How simple would it be to slip back into their old lives? Well for them. He only pretended. He was having trouble readjusting. He supposed it took some time.
He was going to slip off to his room before anyone saw him down here. But then he turned back to the sink, once more bringing forth the contents of his stomach. He wondered if this was what Jo had been going through with her morning sickness or if it was what Olivia was going through.
He had been the only one who had found out by accident. And Olivia confided in him not to tell George yet.
Seven more months and he would be an Uncle again. Some Uncle. Going out, picking up women every other night. He and Kate were the only ones unmarried. But at least Kate had a living.
He might be single for the rest of his life. He better get on, on to bed, his cold lonely bed. He missed the room he had shared with George at the house they had once lived in, back in London. Their old home was probably in ruin, along with his father's own childhood home in Manchester. Everything was in ruins.
Mary had caught him. She had been discussing things with Anna, just the usual housekeeping duties. She had decided to take up the job after all, now that Johnny had returned. She asked Anna how Johnny was fairing. Mary had given him a job as a footman. It would be hard with only one functioning hand, so she had been keeping his load light, at least until she could hire more. It was still near impossible, inquiring the employment of young men. Most had died or had been injured worse than Johnny or were like George.
"I don't see him often, you know how young boys are. He's out with Andy most nights."
"Well, I'm glad that our two boys are friends. It seems only natural." When they had finished their conversation, she closed the office door, making her way through the kitchen. She stopped when she saw someone hovering over the sink. She thought it was a burglar at first. Her heart started to beat fast. What should she do? She could go back to the office and have Anna call the police. She could try for the stairs but she ran the risk of being spotted. Even if she could make it upstairs and telephone the police, he could make it to another part of the house. She thought, the children. Matthew! He wouldn't be able to make it down here, even if he had heard her. He hadn't been able to for years. She had to arm herself with a weapon but there wasn't one in sight.
Then she could tell it was Andy from his coughing. Her nerves eased but her heart still pounded. As she got closer to him she could smell that he reeked of alcohol.
"How long have you been like this?"
"I really don't feel well at all."
"I'd say. You have been drinking." He lifted up his head, giving her a sideways glance, followed by a groan of irritation.
"Please, don't tell father."
"Just go on up to your room. I think this will be punishment enough. I will, however, have to tell him if this continues."
As he followed after his mother, he could already hear his father's voice, I raised you better than this.
He agreed that he had to stop, sooner than later. He was to be an Uncle, and had already missed out on being one to Mattie, having had still been deployed in the army. Mattie was starting to be very chatty though it was mostly babble. She would babble with Matthew for hours. Andy already had a nickname for his niece, Chatty, or Little Miss Chatty. They came up with nicknames for each other in the army. It was easier that way. Life had to go on.
Had it been this way for his father? He was afraid to ask.
Being an Uncle was what he should be looking forward to. He'd hadn't been able to be their at his nieces birth because of the war or the eleven months after her birth, he had volunteered to help clean up the mess. He had been discharged from the army, a few months ago. Since then it was like he didn't know what to do with himself. Clearly it didn't involve spending time with his niece (Jo would be going back to America, taking Noah with her, back to that good for nothing husband) since his father spend most of his time with her, if it wasn't with George. He was the odd man out, though they were always trying to include him in everything. He had always felt that way since as far back as he could remember, that a big part of him was missing. Perhaps even before he had learned he had been a twin, wondering if he'd always feel this alone. He wanted to blame someone for it, for everything, the state of his life now. He seemed to want to blame his father.
Olivia called everyone to the drawing room that evening, with important news to discuss. There was going to be another addition to the family.
"Mattie will have a new playmate!" Carrie clasped her hands together. "She loves playing with Papa but it tires him out so. And Maisie's too little yet."
"What about Noah?" Jo asked, defensively.
"You'll be too busy in America." Carrie voiced her disapproval.
"We'll still come to visit."
"I hope you plan on staying at the estate!" Andy said, so I can do Uncle things with him."
"If it is a boy." George, who had been silent through the ordeal, finally spoke. "I hope it's a girl, that way if there's another war."
"There won't be another war." Matthew said, interrupting.
"That's what you said about the last one." George retorts. "As long as there are mad men out there like Hitler, there will always be wars, father."
The rest of the family didn't acknowledge or engage in his statement. They changed to a happier topic, discussing among themselves.
Carrie was asking if Olivia was thinking of any names.
Matthew contemplated what to say to his son. He thought he had to worry more about his youngest. With Andy's late night escapades and drinking, his nightmares and George's recent moods, should he be worried about them both?
George apologized to his father, saying that he was done in, that he should get to bed. It's lot to think about. "If it's a boy or a girl, I'll be happy either way."
Andy didn't plan on telling his father about his drinking, since his other children were 'perfect', starting their own successful lives. He'd be the disappointment. He was just 'the spare'. He knew his parents didn't truly think that and knew that they truly loved him. There was no way of filtering out these dark thoughts. The alcohol had filtered out most of them.
He wanted to stop, he did, but he couldn't. It was all he knew how to take the pain away, to keep the nightmares at bay and the demons...they just took the form of something else.
His father would be gravely hurt and disappointed if he told him of his drinking habits and latest escapades. Someway he'd have to tell him or he'd find out soon, that had been drinking, even during the war, but not this heavily. He had had a drink once, when he'd been fourteen. He could stop anytime he wanted to. Maybe if he found a woman to settle down with, the nightmares wouldn't come. He wouldn't have to resort to alcohol. Nah, if he were to quit it wouldn't be for some woman, or his father, he'd do it for his nieces and nephew.