I do not own Encanto. Warnings: Infertility, self-esteem issues and past miscarriage.

A gift to a fanfic author: Wikluk on AO3

The children's screams of laughter echoed through the Casita, the sound bouncing off in the kitchen. Julieta smiled to herself as she folded the dough over and over, picking a piece up and rolling it around in the palm of her hand.

By the time she placed it on the long, flat griddle, Luisa barged in with a loud shriek, followed by Bruno, who was chasing after her, a wide grin spread across his lips.

He caught her and Luisa let out a shriek of laughter. "Gotcha, you loco cabrito," he declared, lifting her up as if she was a trophy. Luisa continued to giggle as her papá put her down.

"Sorry for intruding," Bruno said, looking at her with a bashful expression. Julieta merely smiled and handed him an arepa. "I'm sure Luisa is all tuckered out from running away from you."

Bruno craned his neck towards Luisa. "Is that why you ran in the kitchen, Lu?" he asked teasingly. Luisa hummed in response, taking the arepa with a grin before gazing at Julieta. "Gracias, tía Julieta!"

"De nada, Pequeña," she responded lightly, patting the top of her head before returning back to her bowl.

She heard the pitter-patter of Luisa's feet fading, joining in with the rest of sister and cousin. Sighing out loud, she looked over her shoulder to see her brother standing there, as expected. Her gaze returned to the bowl. "Is there something else you need, hermano?" she inquired, calm but reality hiding a storm that would soon strike.

"I was just wondering if you're okay," Bruno replied slowly, shuffling his feet uncomfortably.

Julieta whipped her head to face her brother, frowning. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

Bruno winced inwardly, and she knew exactly what his words were going-no matter how hard it was to her. She closed her eyes and sagged her tense shoulders, breathing in and out before reopening them.

"I'll be fine, Bruno," Julieta replied softly. "I'm ecstatic for Pepa and Félix-truly I am...it will be just...hard for me."

He nodded in response, albeit sadly.

"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry.

She knew that he was being completely genuine, but at the same time, it was utterly useless.

"Thank you, hermano." She paused and tilted her head. "I will see you at dinner?"

Her brother blinked as if he had spaced out, but he eventually nodded and gave a small grin. "Right, I'll see you then." With that, he left Julieta alone in the kitchen once again.

Julieta turned around, leaning her hands against the countertop and bending slightly, looking at her feet, eyes dimming. Has it been that obvious that she was hurting?

To know that another addition would be soon added to the Madrigal family was an astounding and exciting announcement, and Julieta was thrilled for her sister to be pregnant, if not a little bit jealous.

Here she was, thirty-five and still childless.

And Pepa... her sister was welcoming a second child to their lives, all while she stood by the side, the corners of her eyes crinkling but never allowing tears that wanted to fall.

When she and Agustín had been newly-wed, they had talked about children so often, joking they would have a baker's dozen, but only having three or four. Who knew, that after ten years of being married to the love of her life, that she would still be unable to produce the one thing she yearned for.

There had been the one-a teeny baby-born still and quiet. Every one of Pepa's and Bruno's children had been born screaming and squalling, air pushing into their active lungs and into the veins that would bring to their beating hearts.

Whereas Julieta had experienced none of that. No crying, no nursing, no skin-to-skin contact, no snuggling or peppering kisses to the newborn's forehead-nothing. It was still fresh in memory, cutting open old scars and wounds; how much she had sobbed over those small hands that would never be able to grip her own hand.

When she lost them, her mamá had acted indifferently towards her, never talking about it nor bringing anything up. It was as if she accepted the fact that her oldest daughter of the triplets couldn't bear any and proceeded to prod Pepa and Bruno about having kids.

Even then, Luisa and Isabela had been...complicated, but nonetheless loved by each and every one of the family, and Bruno loved his kids to bits, even when he spiraled into doubt, he still cared and loved them.

They weren't her kids, but she was the woman that they had looked up to, especially when their own mother wasn't in the picture anymore. It takes a village to raise a child and she agreed to that term.

Heaving a large breath, Julieta looked out the window, bright and green grass stretching for miles. Isabela was outside, conjuring every plant and flower she could muster while Luisa rolled down a tiny hill, grass sticking to her frame. Bruno sat from afar, a small smile on his lips.

She closed her eyes and imagined what a dream it would be to do the same thing-to watch your child with fondness.

The dinner was just as Julieta had expected. Isolated and detached.

She prepared the food, set plates down for each person, and put the cooked food in the middle. When everyone arrived to eat dinner, she sat next to Agustín, who gave her an assuring smile and watched one by one sit down, talking amongst each other while she remained quiet.

They said their prayers and went on like a normal dinner.

The uneasy churning in her stomach made it difficult for her to eat, even though she had barely eaten today. And when she tried to push away the food, Agustín gave her an encouraging nudge to eat some more.

She did, but it gave her no pleasure to do so.

Cholados Colombianos were served right after dinner, which was Pepa's favorite dessert. Within minutes of finishing their sweet and refreshing dessert, Pepa arose from her chair and smiled. Félix followed pursuit and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"I have some exciting news for all of you," she said aloud, Pepa grinning ear to ear. Julieta felt her husband's handhold onto hers, squeezing it comfortingly. "I'm pregnant!"

A chorus of cheers and 'congratulations' rang around the room, and Julieta hid the pain behind her hazel eyes as she joined in.

Her mamá opened her arms to encase the expecting parents in her hug. "Oh, qué cosa tan maravillosa!" she exclaimed happily. "Another Madrigal member to join!"

"Sí!"

Everyone talked excitedly about the new coming member, and Julieta had to hide the hurt when they started talking about the gender of the new member. She had not even known her own baby's gender before they had buried them.

"I wonder if the baby's gonna be a girl or boy."

"Definitely a girl."

"No way, it's gotta be a boy."

"I have to agree with Luisa," Agustín agreed, the corners of his lips quirking up when Lu beamed.

"Well, I agree with Dolores, here," Bruno shot back with a playful smile.

Agustín rolled his eyes and sniffed, leaning back against the chair. "50 pesos?" Julieta gave him a dry look but didn't seem to stop him.

Bruno held out a hand. "50 pesos."

They shook hands.

"You really gambled right in front of our children?" Pepa asked incredulously.

Isabela regarded the adults, scrunching her adorable face. "What's gambling, papá?"

Bruno patted her head. "Nothing you need know or do."

And everyone laughed.

Julieta brushed her hair, untangling all the knots that accumulated over the day. It was a long exhausting one. After dinner was finished, she insisted that she would clean up and allow them to rest and celebrate without her.

They took no heed to her wanting to stay in her kitchen, except for Pepa and Bruno, but deep down they knew why she wanted to stay behind. Plate by plate and tear by tear, she washed them, slow and methodical.

And by the time she finished, everyone was in their rooms, which was exactly what she wanted.

Agustín was lying in bed, the blanket covering up to his chest and reading a book when Julieta returned to their room. She immediately went straight to the bathroom and changed into her nightgown, ignoring the way her husband observed her remotely.

As she brushed her hair, her eyes studied her face in the mirror. There were wrinkles on her forehead, aging freckles and lines underneath her eyes, and a few strands of grey in her hair. Dried tears stained her cheeks, and her red-rimmed eyes showed how much she cried.

She wondered if she looked older than what she felt.

"Mi amor?"

Julieta hummed in response, lowering her brush as two sets of hands grabbed her shoulders tenderly.

"You've been brushing your hair for more than a half-an-hour, querida," he pointed out. "Perhaps you can join me in bed?"

"I will...I was just thinking, that's all."

"What were you thinking, mi corazón?"

Julieta chuckled bitterly. "The fact that we still haven't been able to celebrate our own expectancy," she admitted, plucking some lint off her gown. There was a slight squeeze to her shoulders and she held in a breath.

"It doesn't change the way I feel about you, if that's what you're thinking, miel," Agustín murmured, bending down to rest his chin on her shoulder, staring at her through the mirror.

"I know," Julieta whispered, tears gathering. She was blessed to have a husband who stayed through it all, knowing that some men had only married out of keeping their bloodline going.

Agustín pressed a kiss to her cheek and removed a hand from her shoulder, using it to cup her chin and swivel it around till she was facing him. "You have nothing to prove, mi amor, not to me, or your mamá." He swiped away the tear that rolled down her cheek, the unspoken action of hurting. "I love you, mi vida."

"I love you too."

They both returned to bed, laid facing each other and foreheads touching. She looked at him while he looked at her, adoration written all over his face. Even when Agustín assured her that he was never leaving or that she had nothing to prove, she couldn't help but wonder what it would have felt to have a small being tucked between them, protected and loved.

"Ah, I know that look, amor, what else were you thinking of?"

"Nothing," she said quickly, but her husband merely cocked an eyebrow. She closed her eyes, unsure of how to simply say it, but no words were formed to explain it. "I wasn't thinking, just imagining."

"Oh?" he placed a hand on her waist. "What is it that you were imagining?"

"A pequeño, lying between us," Julieta confessed, reaching out to gently caress his cheek. "that has your eyes and hair."

Agustín's lips twitched. "A wonderful imagination, my dulce, however, I'd prefer for our pequeña would have your curly hair-an exact replica of you." Julieta couldn't help but laugh. "Another me? You give me too much credit, amor."

"Perhaps, but I think you give yourself too little credit," he said, shrugging. "But to see our Pequeña with your wonderful brain...a big heart and-"

"Your cool glasses."

He chuckled and kissed her nose. "And my cool glasses- they would be the perfect niño."

"The greatest gift we could have ever asked for," she finished quietly.

Silence fell between the couple, snuggled close together as they dreamed of what their lives could have been with little children running around their feet and tiny giggles escaping their mouths.

She could see Agustín being the best father to their child; patient, loving, and understanding.

Sleep tugged at her, eyelids heavy with exhaustion. Agustín noticed this and pulled the covers over her, stroking circles on her shoulder. "Sleep, querida."

"Mmm...Agustín?"

"Yes, mi amor?"

"When do you think we'll have our blessing?"

She heard him breathe deeply and underneath her closed eyelids she could feel salty tears gather. Some of them must have fallen because a calloused but warm thumb ran underneath her eyes.

"I don't know, maybe not ever, but keep praying-keep hoping."

And she could only nod.

A few weeks passed without much trouble, with only minor setbacks. From a distance, Julieta could hear thunderous noises and rain from Pepa's room, sometimes a few sobs and cries soothed by Félix.

Mood swings.

At least she was watering the plants outside the Encanto.

She had felt better as the days pass, but the small ache in her heart has always remained there. Perhaps it will never go away, the grief won't either, no matter how hard she tried to deny it.

"Tía Julieta?"

Small hands tugged at her apron and Julieta blinked craning down to see Isabela's tear-stained face, dress tattered and knees caked with blood. Her heart stuttered as she immediately scooped her up and placed her on the counter as the young girl started crying, hiding behind her tight fists.

"What happened, sobrina?" she asked urgently, grabbing a rag and dabbing at the bloodied knees.

Isabela only cried harder.

Julieta dug into her apron and was mentally relieved that she had some Arepas left over. However, Isabela was in no state to eat right now, so she took out the Arepa from her pocket and set it aside for now before encasing her arms around her small form.

"You're okay, mija, you're okay," she soothed, running her fingers through her niece's long hair. Isabela's hands wrapped around her and gripped the fabric of her shirt, sobbing into her chest.

She continued stroking the girl's head, wondering what the happened. Surely no one was bullying her-that girl could absolutely and will if necessary, punch a kid. It was definite that Isa fell quite hard but she knew that her niece was not much of a crier for something that could be easily fixed.

Julieta shushed her, laying her cheek on her head.

Minutes passed and Isabela finally calmed down. Julieta grabbed ahold of the arepa and handed the distressed child one. Isa sniffled and took a small bite out of the bread. Instantly, her knees began to mend and heal away the gash.

"There we go," Julieta murmured, hand brushing over the girl's knees to make sure everything was intact. "Do you still feel pain?"

Her niece shook her head and rubbed her fist against her watery eyes.

Julieta waited patiently, allowing Isabela to finish the whole arepa. When she finished, she looked at her with such pain and confusion that made Julieta's heart shatter. "What's wrong, sobrina?" she asked.

"It's dumb," she mumbled, sniffling quietly. Julieta furrowed her eyebrows together in worry, her finger thumbing away the rest of her tears. "What do you mean, Isabela? You're feelings matter, even if you think it's dumb."

"I just wish my mamá was here," her niece replied brokenly. Julieta froze, eyes trained on the upset girl. She scolded herself, because of course-of course she would. Bruno mentioned something in the last week that Isa was asking questions of her mother, and Bruno had tried to answer them honestly, but she was just too young to understand it.

She was too young to feel this type of anguish.

"Did she not love me?" she asked abruptly, facing her while she nibbled on the bottom of her lip, hurt and misery beneath her brown irises. Julieta was at a loss of what to say. What was she supposed to say to a six-year-old?

In all honesty, she never knew what happened to her, they had just disappeared after Luisa was born and never returned. Never has she seen Bruno so distraught and depressed, other than the moments he had unsettling visions.

"I-" Julieta took a large breath, praying that she would be able to explain this to a young child. "I do believe she loves you."

"Then why did she leave?"

"I'm not sure, cariña, I really don't know," she admitted softly. It was not the answer that Isabela wanted, but that was all she could give the child as an answer because she really did not know.

Resentment grew inside her. How dare a mother leave their child with no explanation. She knew that she-herself- didn't have the right to question, but the mother had no right to just leave her children with little details on why.

Julieta touched Isabela's chin and nudged to where they faced each other. "I don't know why she left," she declared, watching with heartbreak when Isa faltered. "But, know that your father loves you very much, so much it probably scares him."

She grinned. "And no doubt that your tías and tíos loved you too, and they want the best for you, do you understand, querida?"

Although it wasn't the answer that she desired, her niece nodded in reply. Julieta enveloped the girl in another hug and Isa happily returned the favor.

Ever-so-quietly, Isa whispered, "Mamá's are supposed to make 'owwies' go away, but I don't have one, so I came to you."

Julieta held her tighter, throat welling up with emotion. She will never be a mother, but she can act like one to her motherless niece(s) if that's what they need.

Their tía Julieta will always be there for them.

"I heard that Isabela had come to you for comfort."

Julieta shrugged, pulling at the clip that held her hair in a bun. It all fell with a gentle swoosh, curly hair falling over her shoulders and back. "I comforted my sobrina, nothing out of the ordinary."

"You're a great role model you know." Like a mother went unsaid but she understood where Agustín was saying, and it pained her.

Julieta pursed her lips. "I will always be their tía, Agustín, not their mother."

Slender arms wrapped around her waist. "No," her husband murmured behind the shell of her ear. "but you act like one towards each and every one of them." Anger bubbled up, patience wearing thin as she shoved the arms away and swiveled to face his impassive facial expression. "What was I supposed to do?" she exclaimed hotly. "Not comfort my niece, and leave her crying by herself?"

"I never said that," Agustín said calmly. Julieta turned around, her back facing him. "I'm not their mother, Agustín, I didn't have to comfort her, but I did-as her tía because their "mother"- she made air quotations in the air. "was lacking presence in the past 4 years of Isa's life, as well as Lu's!"

She huffed and crossed her arms tightly to her chest. She tried to remain cold and angry because it felt like the right, but she eventually slumped her frame and a small, shaky breath escaped her lungs.

"Why?" Julieta asked, voice breaking at the end.

A hand reached out to touch her shoulder. "Why what?"

She turned to face her husband, eyes glossy and lips trembling. "Why would a mother leave their two children motherless like that? Why would she have children in the first place if she was just going to abandon them with no context as to why?"

"Mi amor-"

"And why me?" Julieta begged, a hand on her aching heart. "Why give children to the ones that leave when there are people like me that will never leave her children, that will lavish them with love and protect them... why can't we have what we always wanted?" she was practically pleading for the answers.

"I've prayed for a child-hoped that one day we'll finally have our own to-to hold and cuddle, but we didn't! We had one, one and they-" her voice cracked. "they didn't know our love for them, or the fact that we've been waiting on them for so long, and then...and then..." Julieta choked back a sob as she couldn't stop the never-ending tears that rolled down her face, blotching her vision.

Agustín wordlessly hugged her, tucked against his chest as she sobbed. Tears soaked through his white button down as he stroked his wife's back, heart-shattering.

Bottled-up emotions had finally broken the wall and Agustín could only comfort her as she wept a thousand griefs into the air. He had grieved for their child that had not drawn in a breath of life, but it had been worse for Julieta.

She blamed herself for the death of their only child. She blamed her body for not being able to heal them when her gift was healing. She blamed herself when Alma practically shunned her and relied on Pepa and her husband in continuing their Madrigal bloodline.

Everything she blamed herself on.

"I'm sorry!" she cried. "I'm sorry I couldn't save them! I'm sorry I can't give you the family you want! I'm sorry I can't heal myself-"

That was the last straw. He wouldn't withstand any more of this. He pulled back, a firm but gentle hand on her shoulders. She looked surprised, but it screwed up painfully.

"None of this was your fault," he said firmly, eyes shimmering with tears. "Nothing."

Agustín shook her. "I love you, Julieta. I married you not because you would someday give me a family, or carry on my bloodline because it wasn't that, mi amor-it was because I fell in love with all of you, that including your flaws."

"Agustín," she breathed wetly, more tears streaming down.

"I love you, and I will stand by your side," he stated firmly, tugging her back into a hug. She sniffled into his chest. "I love you too."

He tilted his head to lay his cheek on top of her head. "We will get through this, mi vida...we will."

i finished this a few days ago but i found myself really hesitant because of this subject. i really wanted to be accurate on what infertility is and the effects on couples who struggle with it and i'm happy to receive criticism or advice on what it really is so i can improve. i tried my best with the research i did and everything.

hope y'all enjoyed