A/N: I wrote this to practice writing in Latin. I left out the macrons partly because I'm lazy, partly because I wasn't sure how to type them on my computer.

For humor's sake, I wrote this vaguely in the style of Hans Orberg's textbook Lingua Latina per se Illustrata. Hence the repetitive phrasings. Hopefully that'll make it a little educational and somewhat comedic, as well as dirty. I have added a fairly direct English translation with notes. It is poorly and bizarrely written, but as close as possibly to the Latin, making it perhaps useful for learning saucy words that don't appear in Lingua Latina per se Illustrata or Traupman's Conversational Latin for Oral Proficiency.

Latin is, I believe, the ideal language for writing about sex - particularly between men - because of the sheer amount of hyper-specific words relating to sex acts involving penises.

Also, if you spot any grammatical mistakes please tell me in the comments.

Ecce Roccius! Roccius vir est. Is athleticus est. Vir pugilat. Corpus eius est nudus magnus durusque. Capillus eius flavus est. Ubi est Roccius? Roccius est in gymnasio. Ubi est gymnasium? Gymnasium est in villa rustica Francii. Ubi est villa rustica? Villa rustica in sylvia est. Multae arbores in sylvia sunt. Caelum est supra arbores. Caelum est fuscus. In caelum atrum, stellae lucent ut gemmae.

Roccius servus Francii est. Roccius et Francius fratres sunt. Francius Roccium amat, ut Jupiter Catamitum amat. Ergo, Francius Roccium pedicavit et irrumavit.

Francius ostium gymnasii pulsat. Francius vocat: "O, Rocci!"

Roccius respondet: "Domine?"

Francius imperat: "Aperi ostium!"

Roccius ostium aperit. Francius gymnasium intrat. Francius laetus est. Roccius Francium timet. Quis est Francius? Francius dominus severus est. Villa rustica eius est. Corpus Francii nudus pallidus mollis et. Capillus eius niger et crispus est.

Francius imperat: "Claude ostium!"

Roccius claudit ostium. Francius natem Roccii videt. Francius eum cupit.

Francius vocat: "O, Rocci! Corpus tuus pulcher est! Es durissimus! Et mentula mea durissimus! Cupio te!"

Roccius respondet: "Uh uh, domine."

Francius vocat: "Culus tuus avarissimus est! Is mentulam multas vorat."

"Uh uh, domine."

Verpa Francii culum intrat. Francius Roccium pedicat. Roccius Francium cevet. Roccius lacrimat. In oculis eius lacrimae sunt. Francius lacrimas non videt.

Francius vocat: "Scortum meum es! Concubinus meus es! Pedico te! Uh, uh, uh!"

Francius spasmum Veneris habet. Roccius spasmum Veneris non habet. Roccius metulam Francii cacat. Roccius Francius fessi sunt.

Francius vocat: "O, Rocci! Amo te! Gratium tibi habeo!"

Roccius iratus est. Roccius Francium odit.

Behold, Rocky! Rocky is a man. He's an athlete. The man boxes. His body is naked, big, and hard. His hair is flaxen. Where is Rocky? He's in the gym. Where is the gym? In Frank's castle [lit. "country house"]. Where is the castle? The castle is in the woods. There are many trees in the woods. Above the trees is the sky. The sky is dark/dusky. In the black [matte black] sky stars shine like gems.

Rocky is Frank's servant [or slave]. Rocky and Frank are lovers ["fratres" more commonly translates to "brothers", but the Romans used sibling terms for sexual partners of various genders]. Frank adores Rocky, just as Jupiter adored Catamitus [better known by his Greek name, Ganymede]. Therefore, Frank has buttfucked and mouthfucked Rocky.

Frank knocks on the gym door. Frank says: "Oh, Rocky!"

Roccius replies: "Master?"

Francius orders: "Open the door!"

Rocky opens the door. Frank enters the gym. Frank is happy. Rocky fears Frank. Who is Frank? Frank is the master of the servants. The castle is his. Frank's body is naked, pallid, and effeminate. His hair is black [shiny black] and curly.

Frank orders: "Close the door!"

Rocky closes the door. Frank stares at Rocky's ass. Frank desires him.

Frank says: "Oh Rocky! Your body is handsome! You are the most hard! And my dick is most hard! I want you!"

Roccius responds: "Uh uh, master."

Francius says: "Your butthole is most greedy! It devours many dicks!"

"Uh uh, master."

Frank's cock enters the butthole. Frank buttfucks Rocky. Rocky bottoms for Frank. Rocky cries. In his eyes are tears. Frank does not see the tears.

Frank says: "You are my whore! You are my [male] concubine! I buttfuck you! Uh, uh, uh!"

Frank has a spasm of Venus [I didn't know the word for "orgasm", so I got poetic]. Rocky does not have a spasm of Venus. Rocky shits out Frank's dick [this is a real Roman phrase, though I don't know if it has ever been written in this exact form, see Roman Homosexuality by Williams, 1999, Oxford University Press, pages 29-30]. Rocky and Frank are tired.

Frank says: "O, Rocci! I adore you [the phrase "amo te" can also be used more generally, as an expression of thanks or devotion]! Thank you!"

Rocky is angry. Rocky hates Frank.

Topical Vocabulary:

Pedicare (v.) = to penetrate anally. There's also a noun form, "pedicator", which seems to exist only in the masculine form (apparently, the Romans weren't into pegging, haha).

Cevere (v.) = to shimmy, to make the movements one makes when being anally penetrated. One who does this is a "pathicus" or "cinaedus", two terms that are so incredibly offensive and derogatory that I chose not to have Frank use them, even though he's a bully. Nobody would self identify as pathicus or cinaedus, the way a modern person might identify as a "bottom". This is partly cultural - the Romans were incredibly hostile towards men perceived (rightly or not) as sexually passive.

Concubinus (n.) = a male concubine. In Ancient Rome, such persons were enslaved. They were often exceedingly expensive. A certain philosopher complained of . See Roman Homosexuality for more details.

Frater (n.) = brother, albeit more in the sense of "friend" or "lover" than the literal biological sense (that would be "germanus"). In the Satyricon it is used to mean "lover". Boswell discusses the precise meanings and implication of the word "frater" in his Same Sex Unions in Pre-Modern Europe.

Please review!