Chapter 1: Shame
[Opening Segment]
(The Loud kids are all gathered in the backyard)
Lucy: We're gathered here today to say goodbye to Jumpy #8.
Lana: Nine.
Lucy: Nine. He was a good... Nine? Are you sure, nine? Anyway, he was a very good frog. And he led a very full life.
Luan: I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk. It was hysterical.
Lucy: Farewell Jumpy #9. We know you're going to a better place.
Lana: Bye Jumpy.
(Lincoln plants a rocket in the ground with Jumpy #9 taped to it)
Lucy: Dad.
(Lynn Sr. lights the rocket, Lana sniffles, Luna puts her hand on her shoulder, rocket flies up and pops)
Luan: May he rest in pieces.
Sisters: Amen.
—
(Lincoln and Clyde are playing catch in the schoolyard)
Clyde: McBride winds up, bases loaded, series on the line.
Lincoln: Clyde can you just throw the ball? (he throws it too hard, ball hits Lincoln's glove) Ow!
Clyde: Oops, sorry buddy, want me to kiss it?
Lincoln: Thanks, but I think I'll power through.
(Lincoln passes the ball back to Clyde, Clyde throws it back to Lincoln, Lincoln misses it rolls over to Kevin)
Lincoln (aside): Oh, man. Kevin. I hate this guy. He's only been here for two weeks and he's already the most obnoxious kid in the school. Little help!
Kevin: Lose your ball-ey, baby?
Lincoln: Can I have my ball back, Kevin?
Kevin: (mocking) ''Can I have my ball back, Kevin?''
Lincoln: Come on, Kevin.
Kevin: (mocking) ''Come on, Kevin."
Lincoln: De gustibus non est disputandum.
Kevin: De kub You stink! Your new name is Stinkin.
Lincoln: Yeah, yeah my sister already calls me that just give me my ball back.
Kevin: You want it? (throws it) Go and get it Stinkin!
(at the Loud house later that day, Rita and Lynn Sr. enter the living room carrying Lana)
Lana: Ow!
Rita: I'll get the ice pack, Lana we told you to stop climbing that tree, it's too big.
Lana: I couldn't help it.
Lynn Sr: I know sweetheart, That's it. I've had it that sucker's coming down.
Rita: You're going to cut down the tree?
Lynn Sr: Darn Right, I'm sick and tired of raking leaves and hosing bird poop off our car. And seeing that weird face in the bark that follows you wherever you go. And now it's going after the children? No, Rita, it has to be stopped.
Lana: Can I help kill it?
Lynn Sr: Sure, sweetheart. We'll take turns.
(the next day, Lincoln waits in the cafeteria line)
Lincoln (aside): Usually I don't have to worry about what they serve because dad always makes my lunch, but he had some urgent matters so long story short I'm on my own today.
All right, frozen pizza the only thing Rowena can't ruin. (Kevin cuts in front of him) Hey, no cuts!
Kevin: ''Hey, no cuts.'' Two slices, please.
Lincoln: Is there any more pizza?
Rowena: Nope all out. It's American Goulash for you.
(Lincoln and Clyde are sitting together at their table)
Clyde: What is that?
Lincoln: I don't know. All I can identify are little pieces of carrot and I don't know, I think they're Skittles.
Kevin: Hey, look at the goulash boy.
Lincoln: Get away from me, Kevin!
Kevin: Ooh, ''get away from me, Kevin." He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza and I do.
Lincoln: I said go away please.
Clyde: Chill buddy. I got your back.
(Takes off his glasses)
Kevin: What are you looking at, Mc-butt?
Clyde: Light, some shadows.
Lincoln: Kevin, I'm warning you. Please leave us alone.
Kevin: Oh, Lincoln doesn't like me eating close to his face with pizza I have and he doesn't. (takes a bite) Pizza, pizza, pizza.
(Echoing): Pizza Pizza Pizza
(Some sauce gets on Lincoln's cheek his heart beats heavily then he pounces on Kevin and tackles him to the ground then starts beating him with his fists)
Lincoln: You want pizza? I'll give you pizza.
(Rubs it in his face before bludgeoning his head into the floor, his peers all gather around to cheer him on)
Kids: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Lincoln (aside): Wow, helping Lynn practice hockey has really paid off. I can't believe how good I'm doing.
(In the nurses office, Kevin is sobbing)
Lincoln: What do you mean he's only seven?
Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice.
Lincoln: He can't be seven. He's bigger than I am.
Nurse: He's in second grade. Look at all this blood.
Lincoln: That's not blood. It's marinara. Well, that's blood, but...
(Mrs. Agnes Johnson enters the nurses office)
Johnson: Oh, my Goodness, Oh my Goodness! What happened?
Kevin: I want my Teletubby!
Lincoln: A doll? You can't play with dolls if you're seven. Why are you seven?
Johnson: You beat up a seven-year-old?
Lincoln: He's supposed to be 12!
Johnson: Lincoln, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs. On me.
Lincoln: Oh, man, this is the most horrible thing I've ever done. Kevin, I'm sorry.
Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.
Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!
(Lincoln and his younger sisters are walking home from school, Lucy is reading her brothers note)
Lucy: 'Inappropriate' 'vicious'. Oh, wait. 'Thug', I've never seen ''thug'' before. That's the equivalent of the Nobel prize of delinquency.
Lola: Sammy Gunther ate my crayons. Can you beat him up tomorrow?
Lincoln: how many times do I have to tell you guys it was an accident I would never beat up someone younger than me on purpose!
Lisa: I believe you were very brave to stand up for yourself, usually your weak-willed.
Lincoln: Weak-willed?!
Lana: Hey, hey, pace yourself, killer.
(Chain Saw Buzzing)
Lucy: Whoa.
Lynn Sr: Whoo-hoo!
Lana: Dad! You cut down the tree and we missed it?
Lynn Sr: Oh, you missed it, all right sweetie. I was about two-thirds of the way through her then crack! Kaboom! My chain saw goes flying. All the car alarms go off. About 100 squirrels came boiling out of the branches. Then a pack of dogs came out of nowhere and chased them all over the neighborhood! Man, I've never seen anything like it.
Girls: Awww
Lynn Sr: Oh, don't worry, girls. You'll get to share in the best part. Cleaning up.
(breakfast the next morning: Lynn Sr serves up toast, bacon, hash browns and very small eggs)
Lola: Why are the eggs so little?
Rita: They're robin's eggs from the tree your father cut down. Paul Bunyan.
Luan: Well, as long as we aint robbin' anyone else! Ha ha! Get it?
Lynn Sr: That's nature for you. 100 years to grow, 12 minutes to cut down. There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere.
Rita: It is nice having this extra light in the room.
Lynn Sr: Wait till I bring in the wood chipper. Then it's really going to be a show.
Lincoln: I can't take this anymore! When are you going to punish me?
Rita: For what?
Lincoln: For beating up a seven-year-old.
(All burst out Laughing)
Leni: OMG, that's right. You must've just felt ridiculous when you found out how old that kid was.
Lori: I can literally imagine the look on your face. (Laughing)
(Doorbell Rings)
Rita: I'll get it. Oh, this is nice we should start every day with a good laugh.
Lincoln: It's not funny. It's awful. I beat up a kid who was practically the twins age, it's horrible. Don't you even care?
Lynn Sr: Well, it's nothing to be proud of son, but you told us the whole story and the kid really didn't leave you much of a choice. It was an honest beating mistake.
Lisa: I deduce that your assailant shouldn't have been assaulting someone 4 years older than himself, regardless of his size.
Lori: If he was bullying you Lincoln, you did the right thing standing up to him like that.
Lola: I've seen him around school and he's a total meanie! Thanks for pounding his face in Linky!
Lucy: You now have blackness in your soul, I have a whole new respect for you brother.
Lynn: Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.
Luna: What are you talking about dude? What enemies?
Lynn: Oh, they're out there and once they know we're capable of this they'll know we're capable of anything.
Lincoln (aside): Okay, so it's not just me, right? There's something seriously wrong with this family.
Rita: It's none of your business what we do on our property.
(a group of their neighbors are at the front door)
Mr. Grouse: That tree was older than your house you had no right to cut it down. We're a neighborhood. And removing trees is a neighborhood decision.
Rita: Oh, you people. For 15 years, you mowed your lawns at night so you don't have to talk to us. Now, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood?
Lynn Sr: What's going on here?
Mr. Grouse: You've caused a blight by cutting down that tree.
Lynn Sr: How is cutting down a tree a blight?
Mr. Grouse: Because now we can see your house.
Rita: Well, let me tell you something, Buddy. As far as I'm concerned you and the neighbors can all just...
(Lincoln starts imaginig his mothers rant being Monkey-like Chattering)
Lynn Sr: That goes double for me. I want you all off our property now or...
(he also joins in)
(his sisters eventually all join in)
Lincoln: No wonder I'm a thug. How can they act like this?
(Later Lincoln visits a church, a synagogue, and a new age guru)
Lincoln: Then I found out he was only seven. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had to talk to someone. I hope I'm doing this right. See, my family- we're not like regular churchgoers but I know places like this are supposed to help you feel better and that's really what I need. I did something terrible, and now I just feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean, really wrong, deep inside. I can't shake it. What do I do?
Priest: Look to the church.
Rabbi: Look to God.
Guru: Look within.
Priest: But first ask forgiveness.
Rabbi: You must atone.
Guru: You must cleanse your spirit.
( Rap Beat Playing )
The path to salvation - The path to temptation - The path to meditation - How does one define a sin? - Well, it's mostly common sense - Then you have to light incense - If you practice abstinence - It's whatever space you're in (Lincoln: Huh?) C-C-Charity - Prosperity - Clarity - Divine - Restitution - Absolution - Contribution - Palestine - Sacramental - Accidental - Mostly mental - You'll be fine - Transubstantiate - Alleviate - Who knows? - Align your spine!
Lincoln: Uh well, thanks. I feel much better. Bye.
(Back at The Loud House, Lynn Sr is outside with a wood chipper)
Lynn Sr: Hey girls, Where's your brother?
Luan: I don't know. He said something about being evil and he took off like a spaceship out of Florida. Haha Get it?
Sisters: (groan at the bad pun)
Lynn Sr: Uh-huh, stay back.
(He throws some timber in the chipper)
Lana: Wow!
Lynn: That was the coolest thing I've ever seen!
Lynn Sr: Really? All it does is instantly vaporize anything that goes into it.
(Lynn scrunches up a less than stellar test score and shoots it in the chipper like a basketball)
Lynn Sr: Lynn Jr. What was?! Actually, that was pretty cool. What else you got?
MONTAGE
(Lynn Sr and the girls throw various objects into the wood chipper including a large teddy bear, a Hawaiian shirt, a watermelon, a basketball and a box full of confetti)
Lynn Sr: Well, we've obviously run out of ideas.
(in class the next day)
Lincoln: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel terrible and no one understands. Even you Clyde. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Clyde: I do care Lincoln, it's just think you're getting too upset about this. It'll blow over. Besides Dr. Lopez says I should stay out of peer conflicts.
Lincoln (aside): Maybe if I did something good that would cancel it out, right? Or if I'm only doing it to feel better is that selfish and doesn't count as much? Clyde? (Clyde already left) Okay. So, I just have to think of a really giant good deed. That way, I know I'll be in the plus column. I bet I can think of something great. I just have to put some thought into it.
(Notices a flier)
There! That's perfect. I'll run the marathon and get people to pledge money for every mile that I go. I hate running, so it'll be hard and I'll have to train for it, so it'll take dedication and it'll be helping cure diseases which no one likes. And then I can get on with my life. This'll work. It has to.
MONTAGE
(Lincoln is dressed in an orange tank top and navy nylon shorts he opens a gate releasing a large dog he gives chase, he tries to get signatures but receives many "no's" eventually people start signing after he makes a papier-mâché cast on his leg, after running from the dog, it tackles a man watering his grass, Lincoln escapes)
(Back at the loud house Lynn Sr. and the girls have just finished planting a new tree)
Lynn Sr: There we go.
Luna: Looks great, Pops.
Lynn Sr: Yeah? I don't know.
Now that it's in there it sort of makes me miss the old tree.
This one's a little droopy and the branches are a little spindly and there's no face.
Well, there's that little one but it's not the kindly little spooky face Oh, my Gosh! What have I done? Girls, go get my chain saw.
(they leave, after Lynn Sr. is approached from behind by a large man)
Man: I hear your son likes to beat up seven-year-olds.
Lynn Sr: I wouldn't say he likes it.
He's good at it, apparently.
Man: Look (pokes him) in my family we don't go for that.
Lynn Sr: Probably not a good idea to poke me.
Man: (mocking) "Probably not a good idea to poke me."
(The next day at the school everyone is set up for a marathon Lynn Sr. and Rita enter)
Lynn Sr: I'm sorry I beat him up but how was I supposed to know he was 15? He was huge! You should have seen the grip he had on my throat.
Johnson: Okay, peoples I need all the pledge sheets before we can begin. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Lincoln: Mrs. Johnson?
Johnson: Lincoln, I am so glad you decided to do this, now, were you able to get any pledges?
Lincoln: Here. (hands her a large stack of pledges)
Lynn Sr: I don't suppose they're got confections around here.
Rita: This is a charity race at an elementary school.
Johnson: Good Grief! Are these real?
Rita: Well, I assume so. Why?
Johnson: Well, look at all of them, he has more pledges here than everyone else put together. If he runs the distance he is going to raise over $8,000.
Man Over P.A: Runners, take your marks.
Get set.
(Starters pistol fires Lincoln takes his first step and then trips landing on the concrete)
Lincoln: Ow.
(back at the loud house in the bathroom, Lincoln is sitting on the toilet as Rita is applying rubbing alcohol to his knee)
Rita: Okay, this is going to sting. (Lincoln has no reaction) What is with you?
Lincoln: Nothing.
Rita: Usually you scream like a stuck pig when I put this stuff on. You've been such a zombie lately.
Lincoln: It feels worse on the inside than it does on my knee.
Rita: What are you talking about?
Lincoln: Mom, I can't stop feeling bad about what I did to Kevin. I feel like I have a monster inside of me.
Rita: Oh, for Pete's sake, Lincoln that's no monster, that's your conscience. You should be thankful God gave you one.
Lincoln: Yeah. It feels great.
Rita: I'm serious. It's a gift. And you know what most people do with theirs? They keep them in the closet and bring them out only when they think he's coming to visit. You're not like that. Good for you.
Lincoln: But I can't stop thinking about it. (She pinches his knee) Ow!
Rita: Were you thinking about it just then?
Lincoln: No!
Rita: See? I promise you'll only feel bad about Kevin as long as you're supposed to. Then it'll just fade away and become a forgotten memory, now go to bed. (he gets up) You're a good boy Lincoln, and I'll kick the conniption out of anybody who says otherwise including that little voice in your head.
Lincoln: Okay. Good night, Mom.
Rita: Good night, sweetie.
Lincoln: You know what? I think she's right.
(Huh? what did you guys think? Pretty good right? let me know in the reviews. Just FYI I'm not doing these in any particular order and I'm only gonna do episodes I like)