Bugs had gotten so used to Daffy's shenanigans over the years that he only glanced up from his news app vaguely when the duck peeked out the front window at the sound of a car then leapt back as though burned. Nor did he reply to Daffy's exclamation of "If anyone asks, I've moved to… Finland. No, Iraq! No, I'm touring the middle east. No, I'm touring the… sea! Yeah, tell them I'm touring the sea! All of it!"
As the black feathered duck raced out the back door, and the sound of someone scrambling over the fence was accompanied by the sound of Taz being disturbed and snapping at the climber's heels, the only response from the slender grey and white rabbit was a raised eyebrow.
Bugs was already moving towards the door as the bell rang and the sound of a beating fist filled the house. The only emotion he felt was resignation as he prepared to offer a heartfelt apology to whichever neighbour had come to complain about the fallout from whichever of Daffy's latest featherbrained schemes had backfired. He was, however, surprised when the moment he turned the latch the door was thrown open and Tina Russo stormed in.
"Where is he?" the girl's Brooklyn drawl that Bugs shared was almost lost beneath the sharp tone as she glared around the living room.
"Err, he just went out back," Bugs offered as he closed the door. "I shouldn't bother going after him," he added as Tina made for the yard. "Not unless you wanna go fence hopping all day."
Tina stopped and turned to look at Bugs for the first time. Even behind the curtain of stylishly unruly brunette hair and the sharply angled yellow bill, he could see the anger in the girl, but also the hurt and regret. He instantly knew this wasn't one of her and Daffy's usual tiffs.
Tina looked around distractedly as she put a hand to her head in frustration. Bugs stood awkwardly, not sure of what to do. It wasn't the first time the two ducks had hit a rough patch, but Tina always seemed to take control of the situation. This time she looked close to the end of her tether, and if she was going to break down Bugs wasn't sure he was comfortable being the only one around to console her. To his relief she composed herself a moment later, and asked him, half seriously "Don't 'spose you'd let me burn his stuff in the yard?"
"I might if anything he has actually belonged to him instead of me," Bugs joked. "Coffee?"
They retired to the kitchen, where Tina slumped in a stool while Bugs went to the percolator. He eyed the white feathered duck as he poured their drinks. She was dressed in skinny jeans and a purple short sleeved shirt, the first time he'd ever seen her in anything apart from a dress when dating Daffy or her Copy Place uniform. He had to admit he didn't actually know her that well, but he knew that anything that could make hothead Tina stare into the coffee he placed before her like she'd just received a bereavement had to be very bad.
"You wanna talk about it?" Bugs offered as he sat across from her. Tina lifted her forlorn gaze slowly.
"Daffy's putting up his walls. Shutting me out."
"Why's that?"
"Because he's an insecure, spineless little ball of self-denial," Tina sat up with a little of her old anger back, but still sad. "He's giving me some crap 'bout how he's not gonna let a girl cramp his lifestyle. Says he wants to be free to play the field."
"Ouch," Bugs said as sympathetically as he could. "But you know, maybe he doesn't mean it. Sounds like the sort of thing a guy with commitment problems would say to take the easy way out."
"I know that!" Tina snapped, making Bugs recoil. "This is what it's been like with him since we met. We get close, and he freaks out and jumps back. He's so tightly wound I can't even speak to him when he's like this."
Tina's ire cooled, though Bugs kept his trap shut for fear of setting her off again. The duck stared at her coffee for a minute, before she stood and squared her shoulders determinedly.
"But he's gone too far this time. If he thinks he can just end things like this he's got another thing coming."
She turned away while taking out her keys and asked "Any idea where he might've gone to hide, Bugs?"
"A lot of ideas… but," Bugs ventured warily "I don't think chasing him is the answer Tina. In my experience when Daffy wants to avoid someone, he'll avoid them no matter what. Seriously, I've had lawyers, tax collectors, hotel managers, overprotective boyfriends and everything in between staking this place out and searching the town for him, and he stays hidden. The harder you chase him, the harder he'll run."
Tina paused, key in hand, and a tense silence filled the room. She turned and gave Bugs a scowl that made him wonder if he should risk trying to take his words back. At length, Tina sat back down and picked up her coffee.
"Guess you're right," she said after the caffeine hit soothed her somewhat. "Sorry to come in and just drop this on you."
"Dah, no sweat," Bugs relaxed with Tina's mood. "I've lived with Daffy a long time. I know how hard it is dealing with his hang ups."
Tina nodded in sympathy and took another slurp.
"So, how about some good news to make me feel worse," the duck smiled lightly. "How's things with you and Lola? A helluva lot better than they are with me and Daffy I'll bet."
Bugs smiled sadly.
"Sorry, Tina. No good news to rub in your face."
"What's wrong?"
"Lola is," he sighed. "She decided it's time we move in with each other."
"You've only been together a couple of months, haven't you?"
"If you think you can get her to listen to you, please tell her that," Bugs said sarcastically. "I told her we should take things slowly, but she doesn't hear me. So last Saturday I tried telling her straight that we're not close enough to live together. She said I've been stringing her on and she never wants to see me again, then she called up an hour later and said we should go to couples therapy."
"Ouch!" Tina laughed "Well this is swell- I gotta boyfriend who won't commit, and you gotta girlfriend who commits too much. Maybe if we get them in a room together they'll even each other out."
"Try it, but don't hold your breath or nothing," Bugs quipped and drank his coffee. The pair lapsed into a comfortable silence. It felt good to vent their frustrations over their respective partners to someone who could relate.
"I guess I could try talking Daffy round for you," Bugs said.
"Do you think he'll listen?"
"Probably not. Daffy's the most stubborn person I know, including Yosemite Sam."
"I know," Tina sighed. "If there's something Daffy don't wanna do, he ain't gonna do it, an' he's been avoiding me for days. Maybe he just seriously doesn't to be with me."
"Come on, ya being too hard on yourself," Bugs said gently. "Daffy's crazy about you. He's also just plain crazy, but he ain't never been so close to someone for so long who he wasn't mooching off."
Tina smiled gently.
"Thanks Bugs." she said. "Guess you'd know- he's been with you for years. So, what's your secret- how d'you keep hold of him?"
"Daffy only stays cus' I've got money and a house," Bugs looked up thoughtfully. "You could try winning the lottery," he gave Tina a smirk which she responded to with a deadpan glare.
"Not helping," the girl stood and paced to the living area adjoining the kitchen "but you gotta point. I can't just chase Daffy. I've gotta do something to make him come to me."
"You could hold his parade float ransom, just please don't bring it back," Bugs joked, but Tina wasn't listening. She was lost in thought.
"If Daffy thinks he's missing out on something, he won't stop till he gets it," Tina mused as she paced. "So, I don't need any bait- I've just got to show him he's gonna lose me if he don't stop jerking me around."
The duck scowled in frustration.
"Just gotta find a way to ram it home. Need something to light a fire under his butt. I gotta make him-"
Tina paused, an intensely questioning look on her face. She looked back into the kitchen, where Bugs was scrolling through his iPhone again.
A triumphant smile curled her beak.
"-jealous."
Bugs scanned the news absently as Tina plotted, until he noticed the absence of her voice. He looked up and jumped to find Tina only a foot away, braced with her arms to lean over kitchen table, a heavy-lidded stare and a cunning smile on her face.
"Ya know, Bugs," Tina said "I'll bet if Lola thought she was getting so pushy you were looking for love elsewhere she'd rein it in a bit."
Bugs stared blankly.
"Eh, what d'you mean?"
"I mean you, me and the look on Daffy's face when he sees us going out on a date."
Bugs gawped as though his eyes were about to fly out of his face on springs.
"Dating! ? Us! ?" he blurted out. "Are you crazy! ?"
Bugs' face paled as he realised what he'd said.
"No, I mean- dating you would be great. Not that I'd want to. But I'd like to! But I haven't been thinking about it, I just mean…" the rabbit babbled, his silver tongue turned to jelly in his mouth. Tina sniggered.
"Relax Bugs, I don't dig you- no offence," she raised her hands in a calming gesture and sat back down. "I just need this as a favour from you. If Daffy thinks he's losing me to someone else he'll go nuts. Nothing sets him off like the idea of someone taking something that's his," she gave a sardonic grin. "And as far as he'd concerned, I definitely qualify as his."
"But, eh," Bugs stammered. "That seems a little extreme. If things are that bad you really need to talk this out with Daffy."
"And how can I do that if I can't get near him?" Tina shot back. "You're the one who'd said the harder I try the harder he'll run. This is the only thing that's gonna work. I need you to do this as a friend. Just a couple of dates and there's no way Daffy won't come back."
"But why me?"
"Cus' the idea's to make Daffy jealous, and there's no one he's more jealous of than you," Tina replied coolly. "Plus, it'd be doin' you a favour by getting Lola off your case."
Bugs frowned.
"I dunno, Tina. Lola's crazy, but I don't want to hurt her."
"Don't sweat it, Bugs. Sure, Lola will freak out but she'll get over it and beg you to stay with her, then you'll be the one deciding how fast the relationship moves. No more breaking into the house or stalking you round town. Think of what it would be like having a normal girlfriend."
Bugs clucked his buck teeth nervously, contemplating the tempting prospect, but also the many reasons why this was a bad idea.
"I hear couples therapy is expensive," Tina drawled, making Bugs freeze "and it can take a loooong time."
Tina leaned forward with a clever smile as she watched Bugs thinking.
"So," she said "what'll it be?"