November 2017

Anna Smith and Mary Crawley were merrily chatting in the hallway as they were coming back from their lunch break.

- So, when is Matthew coming back from his trip?, asked Anna.

- Day after tomorrow, replied Mary, with a longing in her voice.

- Have you missed him?, asked Anna, although she knew perfectly well the answer, her friend having complained about her husband's absence all day every day since he had left.

- Ooooh, yeah…, said Mary, the longing even more obvious.

- Really? You hid it well, smirked Anna, as her dark-haired friend pouted at her.

Mary and Matthew had been married for a few months, and were currently swimming in married bliss. Matthew had been away for a business trip for a bit more than a week, as his York-based law-firm had been preparing to merge with a Manchester-based one, and he was supposed to take the head of the York offices.

- So, Anna went on, anything special planned for Friday evening when he's back?

- Oh, I guess we won't have time to reach the bedroom, said Mary breezily.

- Yeah, alright, cut Anna, I don't want to know more. Why did I ask, she wondered.

As they had made their way back to their office in the administrative wing of Downton Abbey, they sat back at their desks, when Mary said:

- We should really get down to business for this charity concert, I know next Easter seems a long time away, but it'll come fast enough, and these events are always hell to put together. Did the PR guy from the Yorkshire Orchestra give you some dates?

- Yes, we're working on them, I've sent him a short list and we should find a settlement soon.

- OK good.

Mary Crawley had been managing Downton Estate for two years, after her father had taken a somewhat rushed retirement, following a health scare. His cardiologist and his wife had more or less forced him to hand out the reins of the family estate to his daughter, which he had done reluctantly at first. But two years later, he had found that he enjoyed retirement, and that Mary was doing great. As soon as she had been officially installed as Head Manager, she had made her long-time best friend Anna Smith her first deputy manager, and Thomas Barrow her second one. The three of them were now the life and soul of Downton Estate, and Robert had to admit that the place was thriving, as one of the county's main touristic and cultural hotspot.

As both women set to their tasks on their computers, they were soon interrupted by a loud cheering. It was Thomas Barrow coming back from his own extended lunch break.

- Girls! Oh my God! Guess what?, he beamed, obviously excited.

Anna and Mary knew that he had gone out earlier that morning, because he and his husband Richard Ellis were meeting their surrogate for an early pregnancy sonogram. After two years of a happy marriage, the two men had decided they were ready to start a family, and had chosen surrogacy to achieve it.

- What is it, Thomas?, asked Anna kindly, seeing that he was dying to tell his news.

- We're having twins! TWINS!

- Oh, wow!, replied both Mary and Anna.

Thomas's face was radiating joy, and it made Anna's heart swell for her friend.

- That's great!, she added. Is Richard happy too?

- He's ecstatic!, said Thomas, his eyes shining.

- And Janet? Is she alright?

- She is, so far. Doctor said everything looked fine, and they would look after her twice as closely. She was a little stunned at first, but we all knew it was a probability since the IVF…

- Well, congratulations to all of you, said Mary. I truly hope everything goes well. Now, might we get some work done?

- Yes, of course, said Thomas, going out of their office to go and settle in his own, across the hall.

As she focused back on her tasks, Anna felt a little pang of jealousy in her chest, for her two friends. Both had found the love of their life, and Thomas was about to start his own family. Mary had made it clear that she was in no hurry to have children herself. Anna, herself, was still single, and she found she missed having an intimate relationship. Once, she thought she had found the right person, she had started dreaming, until it had all unravelled quicker than she could process the facts. And if she had to be honest, she had never recovered. She still didn't feel free from that story, even if she had not heard from the man for seven years now. Every time she tried to date someone, she ended up comparing the man to him, and it was never to the new guy's advantage. It seemed she just couldn't let go. But she knew she would have to in the end. It was over. He would never come back. It had been seven years, and now she was thirty years old. If she hoped to build something for herself one day, she would have to face the truth and turn that particular page. She sighed, and tried to push those gloomy thoughts away, and to refocus on her emails.

After about twenty minutes of silent work, her phone buzzed with an incoming text. She ignored it for a moment, time for her to finish writing the email she was working on and send it. Then she picked up her phone and her heart skipped a bit when she saw who had sent the text. A name that had not appeared in her incoming box for the last seven years, but she had never had the courage to erase from her contacts. John Bates had written to her. She feverishly unlocked her screen and opened the text. A chill ran down her spine as she read the message:

"Anna, I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's something I've had to live with everyday for seven years. It's over now. I won't hurt anyone, ever again. I just wanted you to know that I've loved you. I hope you've found yourself a better man, and you're happy. Please forgive me, and then forget me."

Anna frowned. What on Earth did that mean? She had not heard from him for seven years, and now that? The tone of his message sounded so final, like a farewell. She had a bad feeling about that. She typed back:

"John? What does this mean? Are you alright? Please explain."

She tried to get back to her work, but couldn't help check her inbox every other minute. Twenty minutes later, no answer had come.

- Are you alright?, asked Mary, noticing her friend fidgeting.

- Yeah, sorry, I need to make a call, said Anna, leaving the office.

She went back to their break room, and dialled John's number. Once, twice, three times, and he never picked up. Worry and fear started gripping at Anna's heart. What if he intended to do something stupid? She had no idea what had happened to him in the last seven years. Was he in a very bad place in his life? Frustrated, Anna went back to the office, and leaned again the door frame, looking at Mary:

- Hey, Mary, do you know if your father has had news about John Bates lately? They were friends once, weren't they?

- Oh, er, yes, but he hasn't mentioned anything about him for several years I think. Why would you ask?

- Well, er…

Anna hesitated over telling Mary the truth, then decided for it.

- It's just… He just sent me a very odd message.

- But I though you guys weren't in touch any more.

- That's the thing, we haven't been since he left for Ireland with… well you know.

Mary knew. She had spent months picking up the pieces of her friend's heart after that.

- And now he sends me this, said Anna, showing her phone to Mary.

Mary frowned too as she read the text.

- Gosh… It sounds like he's in a bad place…

- It does, doesn't it? And he's not returning my following text, nor picking up my calls! What if he intends to attempt suicide? I have to get through to him!

Mary looked at her friend with worry. She really didn't want that particular wound reopened.

- Do you really think it's wise to involve yourself in this? Is it your business?

- I can't very well let him kill himself and not do anything! I have to go to Dublin and check on him!

- Er Anna, wait a minute, are you serious? After what you've been through when he left, you're rushing back to him for one text?! Shouldn't we try to reach him or Vera first?

- I'm not talking to her, sniggered Anna.

- I can ask Papa to try and contact him. Maybe if he doesn't see your incoming number he'll pick up. Maybe he's afraid of talking to you.

Anna hesitated for a second, and conceded:

- Yeah, alright, but do it right now please. If he's about to do something drastic, any minute could count.

- I'll call Papa right now. Do you have contacts of any other relatives or friends he might have out there in Dublin, except Vera?

- No…

Mary frowned.

- Bummer.

She took her phone and called Robert. When she had explained the situation to her father, he agreed to try and call John, and get back to them quickly. While they waited, Anna kept pacing the office nervously. Mary watched her, perplexed.

- I though you had moved on and put him behind you.

Anna rubbed her eyes with her fingertips and let out an annoyed sigh.

- I tried! I really did!

Tears started prickling in her eyes, that she furiously wiped away with her sleeve.

- Oh God Mary, if anything happens to him… I'll never forgive myself.

- I guess you're not particularly over him then.

Anna only shook her head as she broke into sobs. Mary got up and went to hug her friend, cursing John Bates for destroying seven years of hard moving-on work with one text. Fifteen minutes later, Robert called them back, telling them that neither John nor Vera were reachable, and he had no other contacts for them there.

- OK, that's it, I'm going over there, stated Anna firmly. I need to know what's going on. I can't let him kill himself. I know it's because of that… bitch.

She uttered that last word with venom dripping from her lips.

- Are you really sure you want to do that?, asked Mary.

- Yes, Mary! How do you think I would feel if tomorrow we get word that he has been found dead?!

- Alright, alright, conceded Mary. Go home pack a bag, I'll check the next plane to Dublin and book you a ticket, and I'll forward it to you.

- Thank you Mary. You're a good friend.

As she started leaving, she suddenly turned around, realizing something.

- Wait, I don't even know where they live in Dublin!

- Oh, er yes, agreed Mary. Wait, I know Papa paid him a visit a short time after they moved away, before they lost touch. I'll ask him to forward his address to you. Hoping they haven't moved since.

- OK, thank you.

As she drove back home, Anna's heart hammered madly against her ribcage. She dreaded coming up to their house and making a fool of herself if John was fine in the end, and had just decided to close things with her, but she couldn't bear the thought that he was maybe intending to do something much more radical, and she couldn't let that uncertainty linger. She knew she wouldn't rest until she knew he was fine.

x x x x

June 2010

John Bates was shifting nervously in his seat in the pub, waiting for Vera to join him. Tonight was the night. Tonight he was doing what he had tried and failed to do for several months. He was ending things with Vera. He knew it was the right thing to do. Although they had been together for three years now, he had never felt like himself in their relationship. He had to admit that he was not happy with her. Especially since Anna Smith had come into his life, at the beginning of this school year. Yes, she was only twenty-two when she had joined the university last September as a Master student, when he was completing his PHD. They had met repeatedly at student gatherings and university events all through the school year, and it had been obvious from the start that there was a special connection between them. He had tried to ignore it at first, because he was already in a relationship, and she had been very civil too, not wanting to be the one to break a couple. But they couldn't ignore things any longer. His heart burnt for her, not for Vera any more. Had it ever, really, if he had to be honest about it? Vera had always been the one to take the lead in their relationship, and he had sort of let it happen, but he couldn't say he had ever found it very fulfilling. It was nothing compared to what he felt for Anna. There had been a stolen kiss a few weeks earlier, at a party. It had come to Vera's ears, and he had been faced with a fury when he had got home to her the next day. Thinking back over that day, his hand automatically reached his left cheek, feeling the scar that still lingered where she had viciously scratched his skin. He had told her then, that he wanted to end things between them, that he thought they were not right together any more. Vera had only stormed out, and when she had come back, she had been all honey-tongued, and pretended nothing had happened. It had confused him. So he had decided to meet her in the pub tonight, and tell her that things were truly over between them. Then he'd go back to their flat, and pack his belongings. His friend Robert had offered him shelter until he sorted things out and found himself a new place. He hoped that telling her that in a public place would force her to remain civil and not go into a screaming fit or even worse, a physical brawl.

He took a sip of his beer pint, and inhaled sharply when he saw Vera coming in and heading straight to his table. She sat down in front of him, and said sweetly:

- Good evening darling. So, what did you want to meet me for?

John held up his reply as the waiter came to take Vera's order. When he had walked away, he started, rubbing his wet palms on his trousers.

- Vera… I wanted to talk about what happened last month.

- Last month?, she asked, furrowing her brow as if searching what he was referring to.

He knew she knew very well what he was referring to.

- Oh, the fight, she said calmly. Don't worry, sweetie. These things happen in a couple. It's nothing. I forgive you.

And she reached for his hand, and brought it to her lips to kiss it. John started to feel a little sick.

- But, that's the thing Vera. I think I don't want to be a couple with you any more. I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, but I want to end things between us. It doesn't feel right any more. I… I think I love someone else.

Vera's piercing look bore into him as the waiter placed her pint in front of her, and when he'd left them alone, she offered him a crooked smile.

- Oh really?, she asked softly. Johnny has found his true love?

- I'm sorry Vera, I know you must hate me. I really don't want to hurt you. I want to end things between us in a civil way.

Vera pouted.

- Well, that's too bad, because I don't agree. You're not leaving me.

- What do you mean?, frowned John. You can't very well force me to stay with you.

- Oh, I can, she drawled, a cunning look on her face.

As John looked at her, a little dumbfounded, she went on:

- Because, see, the thing is, I'm pregnant.

John's lower jaw fell open as he took in this revelation. When he managed to shake himself from his stupor, he stuttered:

- What?… I mean… How… You told me you were on the pill?! AND, we used protection on top of it!

Vera held out her hands:

- What can I say? I must have forgotten some… And we both know condoms are sometimes faulty.

He couldn't believe this had happened. They had had sex very few times in the last two months, because he didn't want to, his mind being filled with pictures of someone else, much to Vera's dislike.

- And…, he hesitated. You want to go on with it?

He had never seen Vera as the motherly type, and he was pretty sure she wouldn't have hesitated to end a pregnancy if it didn't suit her plans.

- I'm an Irish Catholic, Johnny, she said matter-of-factly. We welcome children as a gift from God!

John looked at her, not believing her for a second. He had never seen her going to church or talking about anything related to her religion for the three years they had been together. He sighed.

- Alright, if you really want to have this child, I'll support you. I'll be involved.

He couldn't say he was glad about it, because it meant he would have to stay in touch with her for at least the next twenty years, and he would have rather not. But it wouldn't be said that John Bates had abandoned a child of his.

- But that doesn't mean we have to stay together if we don't love each other any more, he added. Plenty of children grow up with separated parents.

- YOU say you don't love me any more. I don't agree with that. I love you, and I think you love me too. It's all this little blond tart's fault, who turned your head around!

- Please, don't speak about her like that, he warned.

- Or what?, she sniggered, contempt for Anna written all over her face.

When he didn't reply, she went on:

- Not only are you going to support this child, but we are going to get married.

- What?!, he exclaimed. No! Why?!

- Because I'm an Irish Catholic!, she repeated vehemently. I can't have a child out of wedlock! I'd be a pariah in my own family! Do you really want that for me Johnny?

She looked up to him, wide eyes filled with tears.

- Is that what you're sentencing me to? The shame of being cast out from my family? My parents would never talk to me again!

John rubbed his face with his hands, and breathed out sharply. This was not at all how this evening was supposed to go. This was a nightmare.

- If you have one ounce of honour left, John Bates, Vera spat out, you'll do the right thing, and come to Dublin with me, ask my father for my hand, and marry me as soon as possible!

His heart shattered to pieces as he thought of Anna who was waiting for him to meet her later in the evening. He knew she would be as heartbroken as he felt right now when he would break out the news to her. He felt he had no choice. He looked down to his hands, and whispered in a hollow voice:

- Alright. I will.

As he uttered these words, he felt like the world was closing down on him, and he couldn't breathe properly. His dreams of a happy future with Anna lay shattered on the floor. As soon as Vera had obtained what she wanted, she said:

- Good! Now let's go back home, I'm tired.

She got up and almost dragged him out of the pub. He looked down, his shoulders hunched, as if he was wearing the weight of the world on his shoulders. He didn't see the smug smile on Vera's face.

A while later, in the little flat she shared with Mary, Anna lifted her head up from the paper she was working on, when her phone buzzed.

"Sorry, I won't be able to make it to yours tonight. Things have changed. We'll have to meet so that I can explain everything to you."

Anna felt a cold chill running down her spine. This did not sound good.