[Journal entry]
Being somewhat of an autodidact, I asked Reddit about down there on Bella and promptly decided I could never again go through that mortification. I opted for a one-and-done strategy of ordering books under my cunning pseudonym, which should be ready within the fortnight. I have pried up the floor in my bedroom under which to store them once they arrive and shall sequester myself until I emerge, like a saucy butterfly, aware of all things carnal and a master of the seductive arts! I do hope Bella shall be pleased.
[Reddit post]
Posted on Reddit r/nostupidquestions Where does one locate the penis on a lady please? Posted by u/CedwardMullen 1 hour ago
I have heard that things are in a different configuration down below on the fairer sex. I have also noticed they seem lumpier in the chest than I am. Is this quite alright?
I know there are some utopian tubes I should avoid and remember there are two topiaries as well, are they functional, or merely decorative? A sort of welcoming gesture, if you will?
At school they said the lady has a room and that the baby can grow in her room. Is the room in her handbag? After marriage couples go to Virginia to do something (look at the topiaries?). Do they install the room in the lady's handbag at that point? When does the penis come into play as it were? And what about the stork? Will any kind of fowl do, or must it be a stork specifically? Can anyone please recommend a good stork repellent?
I would be most very grateful if someone could help me. I am somewhat lost. Is there a book I could read without anybody knowing? The local librarian knows my mother, so I cannot possibly go there for information. Please and thank you.
u/CedwardMullen OP 1 hour ago
P.S. Will I need my rug, or is this an optional extra during coitus?
Reply from U/LikinDaRain 54 minutes ago
The rug goes between the two of you.
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 53 minutes ago
Thank you.
Reply from XOXOSpyderMonkey 53 minutes ago
'Coitus' bahahahaha
U/NoStupidAnswers 59 minutes ago
u/Mods This is a troll. Please remove this post.
U/EthneClarke 46 minutes ago
I recommend the book 'English Topiary Gardens' by Ethne Clarke and George Wright.
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 45 minutes ago
Thank you very much indeed! I have just ordered a copy.
U/TEAMEGG 48 minutes ago
You should watch some porn dude. It'll blow your mind! And your load.
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 45 minutes ago
No. Thank you.
U/Jazzamatazz 45 minutes ago
Don't you have biology class? What are they teaching you?
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 43 minutes ago
I kept my eyes shut. It seemed unchaste and irrelevant at the time.
Reply from U/Jazzamatazz 42 minutes ago
Of course you did. Ask your local doctor to teach you.
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 42 minutes ago
My local doctor is my father. He is not in favour of my gaining knowledge in this field unfortunately.
Reply from U/Jazzamatazz 41 minutes ago
Have you tried YouTube?
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 41 minutes ago
Yes, I saw a lovely video of some kittens there. I'm not sure that is pertinent to this discussion though.
Reply from U/Jazzamatazz 40 minutes ago
You should read some books before you go near a woman. And heaven help her when you do.
Reply from U/U/Cedward Mullen OP 40 minutes ago
What books do you recommend please?
Reply from U/Jazzamatazz 39 minutes ago
As many as you can get hold of on sexual education and female anatomy. Literally all the books. Don't even think about touching a woman until you do.
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 38 minutes ago
Oh dear. Thank you. I shall order some books post haste. How many books are enough?
Reply from U/Jazzamatazz 37 minutes ago
THANK GOD! At least a hundred.
Reply from U/Cedward Mullen OP 37 minutes ago
Noted. Thank you.
U/GoldenOnion 32 minutes ago
Use protection!
Reply from U/CedwardMullen OP 30 minutes ago
Like a hard hat? Will she need one too?
Reply from U/GoldenOnion 7 minutes ago
With you? Most definitely.
U/Loca_4_Wolves_69 22 minutes ago
Lmk if you find the clit dude. They seem to have one all the girls share and must pass it around or something, like on a rota system. None of the girls I've been with had it at the time I was with them, they seemed kinda bummed out about it. I've been searching for that shit without success for two years straight.
Reply from U/CedwardMullen 20 minutes ago
Will do!
U/AliceInFashionland 15 minutes ago
Maybe ask ur gurl?
Reply from U/CedwardMullen OP 5 minutes ago
No. Thank you.
U/Jane_Volturi 3 minus ago
JFC Edward. How old are you now? Isn't your 'dad' a doctor or some shit? Vegetarianism seems to have rotted your brain…or were you always like this? If you ask me, it's high time for a cull, Mr.'Mullen'. I can send you a one way ticket to Volterra and save the poor idiot who lets you near her the most disappointing 3 seconds of her life if you like? Pain.
A/N: Reviewers get to explain the mysteries and wonders of the female anatomy to a thoroughly bewildered, but VERY studious Edward.
This chapter has ILLUSTRATIONS! For integrated illustrations that FFN won't allow, follow this story on AO3, STARS, or check my DeviantArt 'featured' gallery. I'm LogLadyJ on all those platforms as well.
Thank you to my wonderful readers and the two best betas I could ask for: itsthatkindofanight & and wh1teow1 please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!