[Journal Entry]
Oh god! There are now twelve flies. Twelve! They all seem to like the dining room best.
We're having a family meeting. The flies are invited too.
[Minutes of the family meeting]
Cullen Family Meeting
February 5th
9:13AM - 10:02AM
Meeting Details:
Objective:
Investigate the source of the plague of flies and figure out a way to make it stop
Location:
Dining room and garden
Type of meeting:
Emergency
Facilitator:
Alice Cullen
Called by:
Esme Cullen
Note Taker:
Alice Cullen
Time Keeper:
Jasper Hale
Minutes agreed by:
Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Edward Cullen
Attendees:
Edward Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Esme Cullen, Carlisle Cullen
Agenda Items/ Proposed by:
What's with all the flies? Esme
Any other business
Minutes:
Agenda Item 1: What the actual fuck?
Discussion:
Jasper asked what's with the flies? There seem to be an ever increasing number. They are all focused on the dining room.
This is unprecedented.
Edward asked 'Also why is the table squishy?'
Nobody knows.
Edward asked Emmett about his repair technique and why the table seems to be making disturbing sounds.
Emmett told him not to worry about it, that it was rock solid, then patted the table, which immediately disintegrated revealing rancid goo and releasing a swarm of flies from within.
The horror. The horror.
Carlisle began an exorcism and said it was a plague brought about by Edward's 'indecent and unchaste interfering with the Swan girl.' Edward looked at his shoes and let out a sad squeak.
We evacuated the house, as Rosalie wasted no time in insisting that surely, surely this must mean she finally gets the Vanquish.
Carlisle began to agree when Esme interjected to declare "That's it Carlisle. I warned you. The strike starts now!"
Carlisle squeaked in terror.
Nobody except Edward seemed to have any idea what this meant. He refused to enlighten the rest of us.
Alice immediately got a vision of several destroyed rugs around the family home and eyed Edward suspiciously. He held his hands up and said "Don't look at me." and looked between Esme and Carlisle.
Conclusions:
Emmett is so fucked right now
Carlisle is in the doghouse for reasons unknown
We will be in need of a large quantity of new rugs in the immediate future
We had to evacuate the house immediately due to the impromptu plague
Everyone hissed a great deal at the flies
Hissing is an ineffective fly repellent
Agenda Item 1: (contd. After the family had fled the house)
Discussion:
Now homeless, we sat on the grass in the yard and reconvened the meeting. All eyes fell on Emmett.
Emmett whistled and avoided eye contact, surveying the clouds.
Esme demanded an explanation about exactly what in god's name Emmett had done to her table and why there was now a plague of flies upon us.
Emmett sheepishly explained that he had just followed a YouTube tutorial.
Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and said "Oh god Emmett. Really?!" And then told us how Emmett's mind revealed he had used instant ramen to fix the table.
Emmett insisted he had carefully followed the instructions on the packets, cooking the ramen to perfection before mixing it with a large quantity of krazy glue and using it to piece together the dining room table.
He insisted he only used 'some of the soup'.
This explains the flies, the smell, the buzzing, the squishing. All of it.
Conclusions:
It was agreed, after much hissing from all family members, that Emmett will:
get rid of the flies without causing any further damage to the house
Is NOT allowed to keep them as pets (thanks Alice for the heads up on this)
must clean up the foul mess he has made
replace the ruined table
Is never allowed to cook again
has a lifetime ban from any and all home repairs without strict supervision
Will surrender all of his remaining ramen stores (he wailed at this insisting he had 'big plans for those')
Is not allowed glue any more
No X-box for a week
Agenda Item 2: Further sanctions
Discussion:
Esme said he has to delete YouTube from his computer. We tried to explain that's not how it works but she said "I don't want to hear it! Just delete it!"
Rosalie asked Carlisle if she can still have the Vanquish. She said there was no definitive proof that Edward didn't bring this plague upon us and that was good enough for her.
Esme, in a stony tone none of us had ever heard from her before, said Edward is 'a very good boy and we should all be happy for him and Bella', Carlisle was on the receiving end of a very pointed look, she then told Rosalie to 'give it the fuck up already'. Having never heard Esme talk like that before, the entire family fell into a shocked silence.
Esme then invited Edward to spend the rest of the day rug shopping and chatting with her 'just the two of us' (gee thanks!). Edward, being the great big soft mamma's boy that he is, immediately accepted and, while giving Rosalie a mighty sassy look, suggested they take the Vanquish. Esme said that was an excellent idea, Edward flipped his hair (well, it was more of a bouffant wobble, but he tried), offered Esme his arm and the pair sauntered off effectively adjourning the meeting.
Conclusions:
Esme is not to be fucked with.
Edward is a big mamma's boy and Esme's favourite.
Rosalie does, indeed, need to give it the fuck up already.
Emmett is in such deep shit. Like, deeper than ever before. This is on par with when he and Jasper had that reenactment of the OK Corral inside using live ammunition.
Carlisle is also totally fucked but none of us know why.
A/N:Reviewers get to go rug shopping in the Vanquish with Edward.
Thank you to my wonderful readers and the two best betas I could ask for: itsthatkindofanight & and wh1teow1 please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!