Disclaimer – I do not own anything you recognise. The Avengers and the characters therein, belong to Marvel.
Chapter Forty-One
They had left the Compound soon after Nadia found Steve crying in the stairwell. She had ushered him into the house silently, gently guiding him up to their bedroom with a hand on the small of his back. She had kicked off her shoes and taken her glasses off before getting onto the bed, holding her arms out to him in invitation. Steve had followed her lead, kicking off his boots and crawling over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist and laying his head on her shoulder. She tucked him into her side and stroked his hair as he wept silently, tears of her own sliding down her cheeks.
They had remained like that for hours, neither of them moving or speaking. When the sun set and their room was bathed in darkness, Nadia had eased out from under Steve to reach over and turn on a single bedside lamp, the warm glow filtering around the room. Steve had remained lying on his side, staring into the void before his vision was filled with Nadia's concerned face and he immediately reached for her hand, entwining their fingers together. A part of him couldn't bear to be too far from her just now.
"There's going to be a funeral," Steve murmured huskily, voice rough from crying. "It's in London in a couple of days."
Nadia swept her thumb over his knuckles, not taking her eyes off him. "I'll organise flights for us."
"Her son called me after I got the message. Asked me to…to be a pallbearer."
"I think Peggy would like that," she said gently.
Fresh tears flooded Steve's eyes and he squeezed them tightly closed. Wriggling closer but not relinquishing his hand, Nadia ran her free hand up and down his arm soothingly.
"I know I should be glad she's not suffering anymore, that she's finally at peace…but all I can think about is how much I miss her," he said brokenly. "When I got out of the ice, everyone I knew was gone. Then I found out she was alive and I felt…like I wasn't as alone as I'd thought."
Peggy had been Steve's anchor to his life before he'd been in the ice, the same way Bucky had been a reminder of his roots. Of that skinny kid from Brooklyn who got into too many fights and didn't know when to quit. Bucky was alive but he wasn't there. Now he had lost Peggy forever and he felt unmoored, adrift.
"You're not alone," Nadia said gently, kissing his forehead.
You won't be alone.
The words that Peggy had uttered when she had found him in a similar situation seventy years ago, holed up in a desolated bar trying desperately to get drunk after Bucky's apparent death. A fresh wave of despair hit him and he sucked in a shuddering breath. Sometimes it shocked him how alike Peggy and Nadia were, but to hear essentially the same words uttered in such a similar time of grief and loneliness, it gave Steve déjà vu in the worst way possible.
"You know the first time I saw her, some soldier was giving her lip and she punched him in the face. She knocked his ass into the dirt," Steve said, the corners of his mouth twitching as Nadia openly laughed. "I'd never seen a woman hit a man before."
"She made an impression on you," Nadia said.
"She was a woman who wanted to fight. Peggy was an unusual breed for the time and I don't think anyone knew what to think of her. She gained everyone's notice."
"She changed the world," Nadia said, "and that's not an exaggeration. She was an advocate for women's rights, founded SHIELD and juggled a family in amongst all that. Peggy was an extraordinary woman."
Steve nodded. "She was. Peggy was one of the first people to ever believe in me. Not in what I could do as a super solder, or as a captain or as a symbol. She saw me. And now she's gone and there's so much I want to talk to her about…"
Nadia seemed to understand to what he was alluding. "The Accords?"
"I wonder what she would have thought, what she'd have done. I wish I could ask her."
"What do you want to do? What does your gut tell you?"
Steve licked his lips and heaved a deep sigh. "I can't sign it. The Accords just feel…wrong. I believe in freedom and justice and democracy, but the Accords don't reflect those values, not really. They talk about monitoring perceived dangers and tracking enhanced individuals to assess their threat levels and it…it's just like the war. We heard about what was happening in Germany, how the Jews were labelled as a race of people, as 'other.' They became second class citizens, not allowed to work, take public transport, had to wear the yellow stars. Then they were moved to the ghettos, segregated from the rest of society where they were terrorised and starving. When the rumours came that undesirables were being moved to camps in Poland and Austria, we all knew that they were prisoners of war. None of knew about the systematic extermination that was going on. Not until later.
"These Accords are exactly the same," Steve continued, frowning. "For now, it's threat assessments and GPS monitoring and certain rights being removed. But how long before they begin to round up enhanced people for the safety of the general public? How long before they're put into camps for the good of society? How long before it's determined that enhanced people are just the newest iteration of other that needs to be exterminated for the continuation of the human race?"
"I'm scared too," Nadia whispered, and Steve met her eyes, startled to see that there was indeed a deep and unwavering terror residing there. Immediately he pulled her closer, his hand coming up to cradle her cheek. "All my life I've been terrified of the day when they would come for me because of what I am. What I can do. I keep thinking about my mother, of what she endured. The years of experimentation, the torture and imprisonment. I think about Josef, who was born in a prison and experimented on and how if she hadn't escaped that would have been my fate too. All that pain and anguish because she was different. Gifted.
"These Accords are founded on the principle of accountability and responsibility, but they're a trap," Nadia continued. "A trap to get us all under their thumbs because they're afraid of us. And people seek to destroy what they're scared of, Steve."
"We can't sign them," Steve stated, unnerved by the fact she was trembling in his arms.
"No."
"We'll be seen as uncooperative at best. And at worst as traitors."
"There are worse things."
"They'll come for us," Steve warned, deadly serious. He didn't know if he was trying to convince Nadia to change her mind, or himself, or if he was just thinking out loud. "Eventually they will find something on us and they will try to take us in, to force us to sign or to lock us up."
"They'll certainly try," Nadia agreed sombrely. She grit her teeth in frustration and shook her head, his hand falling from her cheek to her shoulder. "I hate this. It's so unfair. I hate that these Accords are going to tear our family apart. I hate that we can't even fight them because it's just like Rhodey said. This is the United Nations – not SHIELD or HYDRA or some other shadow government agency. This is all so wrong."
"I know." It was not in Steve's nature to give up without a fight, but he knew that this wasn't the sort of struggle you can win on the battlefield. This is one of words and politics and agendas – the kind of war that could last for generations. As much as it grated on Steve to admit, there was nothing they could do. Sure they could petition the UN to make amendments and to protest until their hearts gave out, but at the end of the day, victory wasn't guaranteed. Steve had always known the price of freedom was high and he had always been willing to pay it - with his life, with his pride, with everything he had.
This time, maintaining his freedom and standing up for what he believed him would cost him his place in the world.
"So we retire?" Nadia guessed, sounding tired.
"You practically have – you don't go out in the field anymore doll, and I was going to eventually anyway. This just…speeds the process up."
Steve watched as compassion filled her eyes. "I know this isn't how you wanted to hang up the shield, Steve."
"They'll probably take that away from me," Steve realised, the thought hitting him like a physical blow. "It's government property."
"Not technically. Howard Stark made you that shield from vibranium he recovered from Wakanda in a private venture. The army didn't supply the vibranium and didn't commission its use. Not to mention that it was assigned to you as your weapon. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, after all. If they try and seize it from you, they're technically stealing."
"And the US Government has never stolen anything before," Steve drawled. Nadia pulled a face at his sarcasm and he chuckled. When he sobered, his frown was back in place.
"Tony is going to be upset," Nadia began, "If we don't sign, the Avengers will be split up."
"He can't expect us to sign on to something we don't believe in," Steve replied. "Frankly, I don't see why he's signing either, given his general distaste of following orders."
"This is his way of assuaging his guilt over what happened in Sokovia with Ultron. He did it all those years ago with Stark Industries shutting down their weapons manufacturing and becoming Iron Man. This is just the next logical step for him. He doesn't understand how we can just…not."
"What about Nat? She's going to sign too."
Nadia shrugged. "Natasha feels guilty too. She lived a whole other life before we knew her, as a Black Widow and then as a SHIELD agent. She's told me a lot of what she's experienced, but I suspect that there are a lot of things that she's seen and done that are too terrible for her to admit to anyone, even herself maybe. She feels a lot of guilt too, Steve."
Steve huffed angrily. "They shouldn't sign because they feel guilty – "
"I agree," Nadia interrupted, "But they believe that this is the right decision for them. I don't think they agree with the Accords or necessarily believe in what's written in them, but they do feel that this is the right thing for them to do."
Steve eyed her warily. "They're wrong."
Again, Nadia sighed. "Maybe. But only time will tell that. Perhaps having two of the most persuasive and stubborn people on the planet abiding by the Accords will force the panel to reassess some of the legislation. Maybe they can change it from the inside."
"Do you really believe that the panel would allow them to request changes?"
Nadia said nothing. Steve tried to find the words to express what he felt.
"So much has changed so fast. Lagos, then the accords and now Peggy…" Steve brushed the backs of his fingers down Nadia's cheeks, a gentle caress. "But you're still here."
Nadia stared at him for a moment before she rolled, swinging her leg over his hips until she straddled him, leaning down to hold his face in her hands. Her hair swung about her face, so much longer now than it had been when they first met and Steve absently pushed it back in order to see her face.
"I will always be here, Steve," she whispered fervently. "You and I are a team. Partners. If we both feel that it's time to walk away, then we will. Neither of us expected it to be now and certainly not like this. But I'm grateful that I have you with me. We'll do the best we can with what we have, we'll keep fighting for what we know is right even if we have to do it a little different, even if others don't agree. And in the meantime, we'll live our lives as best we can. The way that Peggy wanted us to."
Steve sat up, crashing his mouth to hers in a kiss that was equal parts promise and gratitude. He poured his appreciation for her comfort and patience regarding his grief around Peggy's death into that kiss. He conveyed his love for her, constant and unwavering into that kiss. Perhaps most importantly, he sealed a silent promise with that kiss – to stay by her side no matter what.
When they eventually separated, both of them breathless and flushed, Steve held his wife close and was struck by her earlier statement. The Avengers were a family, and the Accords would divide them. Distance had already been created in the aftermath of Ultron, the repercussions of Bruce and Tony's actions in creating an artificial intelligence without informing the team. The Accords would now drive that wedge even further.
Everything seemed to be crumbling around them, yet Steve couldn't help but feel a tiny sliver of hope. He'd been looking for the right time to leave the team, to focus on Nadia and their future together, and here was the opportunity. Sure, his hand had been forced, but it was a clean break. There would be no anger or resentment, only resignation. And now Peggy was gone too and for the first time, Steve had to face the truth of his own mortality. He had certainly faced down death before, but now he had something to lose, something to regret should he die an untimely death. If he were to die tomorrow, he would never have that life with Nadia that he had always wanted. They would never have a family together, never fill this house that they had built with memories.
"What are you thinking?" Nadia wondered, tracing a finger over Steve's forehead, down the arch of his nose and resting on his lips.
"About what comes next for us," he replied honestly. "I assume that you'll keep working with Helen and Tony to create new ways to help people in the medical field, maybe even open your own practise. I'll need to find something to do…god I haven't had a normal job in nearly seventy-five years…"
"You can focus on your art," Nadia suggested with a smile, winding her arms around his shoulders as his lazily rested on her waist. "Take some classes?"
He swallowed. "I was thinking stay-at-home father, actually."
Nadia leaned back, gaping at him. "What?"
"We always talked about a family, doll," he reminded her gently, thumbs rubbing circles on her lower back.
"But…but…now? Do you really think now is the best time?"
"No," Steve replied candidly. "But there's never going to be a perfect time. We always said that we'd wait for us both to be out of the field and now we are. There will always be something trying to stop us and before we know it, it will be too late."
Shrewdly, Nadia's grey eyes studied him. "You're only saying this because of Peggy."
Steve dipped a nod, acknowledging the truth of her words. "Yes, in a way. I always knew I'd lose Peggy one day, but it was always something I could put out of my mind – a problem for another day. And now it's here and I realised that if I keep delaying my life, I'll never actually get to live it. And if that happens, Peggy will probably find a way to come back from whatever afterlife there is and kick my ass."
Her lips twitched. "You're serious about this? You want to have a baby?"
Resting his forehead against hers, Steve held her a little closer, relishing in the feeling of her in his arms, the heat of her skin and the smell of her hair. "The next few days are going to be…hard. The Accords, the funeral, all of it. But after all of that's done, I'm saying that I want to try. I want to have a baby with you. I want to start living our lives for us."
Nadia shivered in his arms. Steve saw her swallow and then bite her lip, their eyes never leaving one another as he saw her thoughts race at the thousand-mile-a-minute-rate they always did.
"When we get back from London," Nadia said haltingly, "I'll make an appointment with the doctor to remove my implant. It probably won't happen right away, but we can start trying. Because I want that life with you too. I want a baby with you."
For the first time since the news of Peggy's death, Steve felt happiness. He gathered Nadia into his arms and rolled her under him, both of them laughing at his exuberance. When the giggles faded, they kissed one another deeply. Desire sparking between them, they quickly divested one another of their clothes, making love to one another slowly and thoroughly. It was unlike the other times they had come together like this, where it had been about passion and love, a reunion or even just for fun. This time it was a celebration of life, of the fact that they were alive and together with a future ahead of them.
XX
AN ICON LOST – MARGARET 'PEGGY' CARTER DIES AGED 95
When the news broke, it made sense to everyone in the Compound why Steve had suddenly rushed off in the middle of their discussion about the Accords. Sam had immediately left for the house, to offer his condolences to both Nadia and Steve for their loss. Tony surprisingly, had seemed rather morose at the news, and Natasha had to remind herself that like Steve, Peggy was a constant in his life growing up, due to her close partnership with Howard Stark.
The Compound was filled to the brim with tension. Vision, Natasha, Tony and Rhodey had all signed the accords with little fanfare. Wanda remained on the fence, but Natasha knew that the probability of the young woman signing was next to zero. If Nadia wouldn't sign, then neither would Wanda. The two were kindred spirits in their struggles to control their ever-growing powers and they had found comradery in the months since Sokovia.
Sighing as the phone in her pocket started ringing for what felt like the millionth time that day, Natasha dragged it out and answered without even looking at the contact.
"Romanoff," she snapped.
"And hello to you too, babe."
Natasha's shoulders relaxed at the sound of Josef's voice. She found herself sighing as she leaned against the bench in the communal kitchen. "Sorry. It's been a long day."
"It's seven in the morning in New York," Josef countered. His voice softened as he asked, "What's wrong?"
"You haven't seen the news?"
"About the Accords? Yeah, I heard."
"Nadia won't sign. Neither will Steve or Sam. Probably not Wanda either."
There was a stretch of silence on the other end of the phone and then, "I take it you did then?"
"Yes," Natasha replied tersely. "You disapprove?"
"I disagree. That's not the same thing," Josef corrected, a hint of playfulness in his tone. It made Natasha smile just a little bit.
"You understand why I did?"
"I can guess," he said, "You could still explain it to me."
So, she did. She talked and talked about how signing meant that the Avengers still had some control and that they could make changes and amendments to the Accords from the inside. That if they all signed then they could still stay together and keep protecting those who needed it. Natasha told him about how she felt this was the only way that she could earn back the public's trust after what she did when HYDRA fell. When she was done, there was a ringing silence on the other end.
This was what Natasha appreciated about Josef – he listened to her and he understood. He was a spy, just like her, and he took the time to think before he spoke. He was calculated in everything he did, making sure he was clear and uncompromised.
"Sounds to me that you made the best decision for yourself and you're following through on that," Josef said. "I get where you're coming from, Tasha."
"But you won't sign." It wasn't a question.
"I don't even technically exit, sweetheart," he reminded her gently. "I've looked at the legislation and you'll have to disclose a lot of information you probably won't like."
"I won't say anything about you."
"Breaking the law already?" he teased.
"It's like you said. You don't technically exist and there is nothing on record linking you to me or to Nadia. So I legally don't have to disclose anything. You'll be safe."
"I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about you. Assassins and crime lords and terrorists are one thing. Politicians are another breed entirely."
Natasha smiled fondly. "I can take care of myself."
She heard him chuckle on the other line and a little thrill ran through her at the sound. It was ridiculous – the effect he had on her. "Oh believe me," he said, "I know."
"I probably won't be able to see you for a while," she said sadly. "I'll have eyes on me at all times for the next few weeks."
"Don't worry about that. You remember how to get in contact with me if things go south?"
Josef and Natasha had worked out a failsafe system in case one of them fell into trouble. They had agreed on the codewords and had shared the locations of a few of their safehouses, just in case. Paranoia was part of their job, but it was what had kept them both alive.
"I remember," she assured.
"I'll call you in a couple of days to check in," Josef promised. There was a slight hesitation before he continued in a tender voice, "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Be careful."
"Always."
Josef hung up, and Natasha was left cradling her phone, wondering when the hell her life had gotten so goddamn complicated.