A/N: Hi to everyone that's still here lol. Sorry for the short unannounced hiatus. Life just got busy, but I am back and plan to finish this story. I will update a few times a week. We have about a quarter left of this story (so it should be around 100 ch's altogether.) Most chapters will be under 2000 words.

I do recommend re-reading the previous 4 chapters (from CH 65, they're short) to refresh your memory since it was one of the most pivotal scenes and the main conflict in this story. This chapter might not make sense if you forgot where this story left off.

This is kind of a filler chapter in Bella's thoughts, but things will pick up again next chapter, which should be posted tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, supporting and sticking around. Hope you enjoy :)

~I am ravaged, but spirited — damaged, but still deserving~

It's been a few days since I've seen Edward. He's texted me letting me know he's been taking off some days from school. He spoke with his teachers and has been doing his work from home so he doesn't fall too behind.

Even though I gave myself a few days to cool down and process everything Edward confided in me, I'm not ignoring him. I've learned from our past encounters. We still text every day and talk on the phone to check on each other. His texts are short, and he's quiet during our phone calls, so I don't think he's coping as well as he's letting me on to believe.

We haven't discussed what happened to him since the night he confessed to me. Almost like we're avoiding it, like if we don't discuss it, it never happened. He's trying to give me the time and space I need, but I can tell it's eating him alive.

He's still afraid I will come to my senses and that he's going to lose me — even though I told him I'm not leaving him.

No matter what.

I can't.

Although it hasn't been long, only six days since the night of the party — time is somewhat healing the wounds from that night. The first couple of nights consisted of me not getting any sleep, twisting and turning in bed with my erratic mind running through a million thoughts at once. When I was finally able to lose myself in a state of unconsciousness, I was haunted by nightmares.

But it's getting better with time. Time to understand, to cope, to accept.

And my heart hasn't stopped beating for Edward any less.

Relationships are about dealing through thick and thin and being there for your soulmate at their worst, as long as their intentions are true towards you. Maybe our situation is a bit more extreme, but I'm not going to hold Edward's past against him. I believe every word he told me, and I don't believe he had any intent to hurt Victoria.

Even though Edward may have hurt me emotionally, I've done the same to him, and I'm not much better, so I'd be a hypocrite to judge him for that. Physically though, Edward has proven time and time again — no matter his rage, trauma, or what drugs he used to do — he always has self-control when it comes to protecting me.

And that's the real Edward.

The one that would kill to protect me. That would jump in front of a bullet or any danger in my way to save my life. The one that couldn't live without me.

I've gotten to know a side of Edward, one barely anyone else gets to see. The true vulnerable side of him that's not afraid to show his scars and weaknesses. A sensitive boy who hides beyond a mask and tough exterior to keep people away. Who has punished himself for a mistake he made and will live the rest of his life paying for it.

One who loves too hard and feels too much.

I want us to work on ourselves alone and together. I've spoken to Edward's mom Esme. I told her that he had finally confessed his secret to me, and she cried with tears of relief. It was probably a burden on her, carrying the weight of that secret. And now a relief knowing I'm not going to leave him because of it and accept him regardless of his past.

I insisted he attends therapy, and Edward agreed to try. Even though he tried it before and it didn't work, he was willing to try again. Because this time, he has something to fight for and to get better for — his words. Even though I always tell him he needs to get better for himself first.

Carlisle is getting him the best psychiatrist in the state. I'm getting some of my own therapy because I can't put all of the toxic traits of our relationship on Edward. My unresolved trauma from my childhood has clearly affected us and how I deal with situations and communicate.

I can't expect Edward to be better if I'm not trying as well. I don't think I ever want us to be perfect. Because that's not who we were, we fell in love through our damaged souls. I just want us to be strong enough and unbreakable in our bond and love each other in a healthy way as well. To be open, honest, and have complete trust in one another.

I don't expect either of us to heal and transform overnight. Trauma is a lifelong battle, one that will never be fully buried, but progress and effort are what matter to me. His flaws made me fall for him in the first place; I don't want perfect.

But I don't want to see the person I love the most in this world barely stay alive with the weight of his demons crushing him every day — drowning himself in self-hate, anger, booze, and drugs.

I want love to save us, but I'm not naive or hopeless to think that's enough.

I'm ready to put the past behind us and start a new clean slate with him. I want him to be who he can be without the demons from his past haunting him. The glimpses I've seen from him.

Every time I try to put distance between Edward and myself, I fail. Even though it kind of worked this time, better than the other times at least. I'm trying to learn from our previous mistakes and navigate our relationship. I've never been in a serious one before and didn't have parents with a healthy relationship to look up to, so I wanted to do it right.

I'm also only eighteen years old, so what the fuck do I know.

But I'm learning through trial and error.

I don't want to lose Edward, so if breaks are what will save us, I'd rather that than lose him forever. The few days apart helped a bit because I had time to rationalize my thoughts and calm down. I tend to overreact and act impulsive, even if it's a choice I regret in the heat of the moment.

But I can never go long enough without needing him. Craving him.

My resolve breaks and my body and soul feel empty without him. Talking on the phone and through text is not enough. I need his smell, his touch, his taste. The energy that thrums between us, that without it we're weak.

The past few days at school, I've barely been focused, zoning out and just daydreaming about Edward. It's hard to deal with school when he's not here.

It's been long enough. I need to see him.

The second the bell rings to announce the end of the day, I rush out of the doors, practically running to my car like a match is lit to my ass. Not caring about the weird looks and whispers I'm getting from students.

What's new? Just another day in the life of Bella Swan.

I drive like a maniac to Edward's house once I start the engine.

Chasing him like a drug addict having withdrawals and needing their fix.

He will always be the one drug I don't ever wanna quit.