Chapter 50 "Burdened by Uncertainty"
~ HAGAN ~
The next day opened quietly, almost deafeningly quietly against the recent norm of dramas, protests, and other unpleasant disruptions. Adding to the still life was the fact that there was no one waiting for me when I arose from the bedroom. I couldn't allow myself to believe that Nia was avoiding me, especially once I found her sleeves on the couch and her boots by the door, followed by a light thump from above.
Outside, my bonny Blade had indeed made herself comfortable on the roof, the only place where I'd known her to be when she wanted to truly be alone. The warmth of the late morning sun protected her from the occasional breeze, each whisk sending the slightest of shivers up and down her back. If anything, she might've found them enjoyable, basking in nature's gentlest of offerings. There was no point in bothering her now.
"Rem? You there?" Nia called out, anyway.
"Yes, I am." I figured she'd heard me open the front door. "Spot any Ardainian ships from up there?"
"One, actually," my partner responded to my sarcasm with a literal answer.
"Oh, really?" my arms were crossed. "It must've been for the reconstruction on the other side of the Titan."
"If you say so," she didn't seem at all interested, unsurprisingly.
"Ahem… did you sleep well?" I moved closer to the sound of her voice.
"I'm fine, Rem," Nia was quick to deflect my concern. "You should come up 'ere with me. The warm breeze feels good."
"No way, you know this is an old house," my hand patted the wall, leaving a partial print in the caked dust. "My extra weight wouldn't be good for the roof."
"Suit yourself," she was done with me for now, judging by her tepid tone. Knowing better than to try to engage her in a certain conversation now, I retreated back inside to find something else with which to preoccupy myself. After all, this was our first open day in a long time. No visitors, no deliveries, no parties, and most importantly, no war.
The house never felt emptier, Nia's absence notwithstanding. I'd become accustomed to watching over Tommy and Rodwyn, our Gormotti guests for much of the year until the Brionac takeover. It also occurred to me that I'd never returned my royal Ardainian shield to the mantle, though it seemed fitting to leave it in storage given recent events and strained alliances. Furthermore, I now had a Prudentian shield for merc missions rather than an Ardainian one like I'd been equipping in the past. I wasn't sure if the changeover meant anything, but perhaps it ultimately was a subconscious decision to distance myself from the empire.
For the most part, life on the hillside villages appeared to be business as usual, aside from the supply shortage. Meals were modest at best, although Nia likely preferred bread and sliced ham at our tiny table over estral steak and grass-smoked salmon with the Echells. Occasionally, the radio would be on, bellowing in snippets about the rebuilding of the other side of the Titan. As sundown painted the back wall an effulgent orange, I realized how lamentably unproductive and unfulfilling the day had been for me. (Surely, we're not going the whole day with nothing more than small talk… are we?)
"I'm washing up and turning in for the night," I announced to Nia, retiring to the bathroom without having heard any response back. It felt like I'd shouted into a vacuum, though I could never admit it out loud. Something needed to give, but I feared my depleting patience would ultimately be our undoing. Like many seemingly impassible situations, be them abroad or at home, all I could do was keep a firm head on my shoulders and hope for the best. Emerging from my chamber of steam, I made no detours on my way to bed. However, someone had beaten me to it this time. "Nia?"
"Hey, what took you so long?" she yawned, though I couldn't tell if she was acting or not.
"I got lost in there," my wit was immediately triggered by hers.
"I see." Her legs were crossed by the ankles as she leaned back on her arms still shed of their usual, petallike sleeves. "You look refreshed, at least."
"Thanks," I ran my hand through my damp hair, "that's what hot water and ten minutes of private thinking will do for you."
"Well I've had ten hours… probably more… to think to myself," my partner cocked her head up to me as I shuffled past her.
"Is that a fact?" The residual moisture cooled my neck as I rounded the corner of the bed.
"C'mon…" she threw her head back and groaned up to the rafters, "don't make this harder for me."
"What, do you want me to ask you directly?" I offered as I plopped myself down on the left side of the bed. "You'd made it clear that you didn't want to be pushed."
"And I still don't, but…" my bothered Blade buried her face in her hands, "flamin' 'ell I can't hold onto this thing anymore, Rem!"
"Then maybe it's time to let go," my foot accidentally tapped her thigh as I got comfortable just out of her sight.
"But it feels like it's… stuck…" Nia shrank into herself, lifting her legs up and wrapping her arms around her knees.
"Are you sure you're ready?" I stole a glance to check if she was eyeing me over her shoulder.
"Would I be here if I weren't?" she shyly sank her chin in her arms instead.
"I don't know," a yawn of my own dared to betray my attention to her, "maybe you pushed yourself."
"Maybe I did," her voice sounded meek, trapped between her knees. Regardless of what brought her here tonight, she appeared to need a little push now.
"Nia…" I propped myself up on my elbows, "what can I do to help you get to the finish?"
"You can come here for a start," she lightly bumped my ankle with her fist.
"Alright…" It took me no time at all to oblige, now seated just behind her left side.
"Closer," her hips shook the edge of the bed. "You'll want to hang on for this."
"I will?" Disconcertment aside, I took her hint and scooted more or less behind her with my arm around her back.
"Sure," Nia acted annoyed that I'd been slow on the uptake. "You know it's as much about you as it is about me."
"Uh-huh…" my mouth hung open ever so slightly in anticipation. "What's going on?"
"Remember how you said you're only alive 'cause of me?" she asked tentatively, sensing me nodding just over her shoulder. "You couldn't have been closer to the truth. The missile that hit us head-on…"
"It hit you head-on…" I felt inclined to correct her. "You'd already braced me for impact…"
"Yes, but despite my efforts to protect you… y-you were all but dead in my arms," her grim words gripped me by the throat. "I felt myself starting to fade."
"Fade?" My exhale came out hot and ragged from forgetting to breathe for a moment.
"Y'know… when a driver dies, their Blade ceases to…" she couldn't finish her explanation, not that I needed it nor wanted to hear it. "Ahem… I had to act quickly."
"W-what did you do?" I moved to embrace her from behind, mimicking the position in which she'd held me in this horrid, painful memory. By now, my face was well hidden in her hair, apprehensive of her answer.
"Let's just say I expended all of my ether, and then some… to keep you alive," Nia danced around the details but loosely explained her deed, nevertheless. "It was not so different from the first time you were about to die in the desert, or when that silver Blade cut us down in the cargo ship and I had to save everybody."
"Except that this time, you were separated from your scimitar," the key difference dawned on me. "You'd told Brighid how your healing was like a second weapon."
"Right, so I was basically draining myself… for you…" she hesitated to admit.
"Draining yourself?" I swallowed hard. "A-are you okay now?"
"Maybe? I don't know…" her hand gingerly rubbed her core. "I don't know if I damaged myself… or ruined my cycle… or somethin'."
"Your cycle?" such words bemused me. "You mean when a Blade reverts back to their core before starting anew with their next driver?"
"Yeah, like maybe when I revert back to my core next, I won't be able to come back in a new life," she pondered morbidly. "Maybe I'll just be a blackened rock by morning."
"First of all, don't even talk like that. Second of all, you're the most regenerative of all Blades, so you have the best chance at keeping your core intact." My own hand moved to join hers at the most vulnerable part of her being while I attempted to distract myself from the severity of her implications.
"Rem, I'm still not completely comfortable being touched there," my guarded Blade politely objected.
"Oh, s-sorry," I quickly retracted. "A Blade's core crystal is essentially like a human's heart, only it's exposed."
"It's as hard as diamond, but that doesn't make me feel invincible when rifles are pointed at it," Nia confided, referencing the incident involving Newt's soldiers prior to the sieges. "After everythin' the Brionac bastards put us through, I just don't feel as complete as I once did."
"Like a permanent injury?" My few scars came to mind.
"Like a battery that can't fully recharge," she analogized instead.
"I mean… I wasn't going to compare you to a machine," even though it was a similar enough concept to me.
"Neither comparison is wrong," my Blade stared emptily at her palms. "A small part of me is missing, even with my weapon back."
"Okay, but maybe that missing part of you is now in me," I offered a hypothetical twist on it, although I was uneducated on Blade-eater technology and couldn't prove anything.
"I don't even know what that missing part is," she groused, digging her heels into the side of the bed. "I'm not used to worrying about what I don't know."
"Yeah, usually I'm the one worrying about uncertainties." My brave face which I'd been keeping up through our talks started to sag. "I'd feel bad if you did, in fact, cause yourself harm over me."
"And that's why I didn't want to tell you," her hands fell to envelope mine, returning my gesture which she'd rejected moments earlier. "I didn't… er, don't want you to feel guilty. I don't want you to worry about me. You've got enough worries."
"You dragged it out for so long because you didn't want me to worry?" Good intentions aside, this reasoning seemed rather flawed to me. "Nia, your avoidance alone was cause for concern, much less your remark about being a blackened rock in the morning."
"Well, then I flippin' messed up, didn't I?" she strained to suppress an escalation in her voice. "I gambled with my life to save yours, and I may never be the same again. Does that sound like an easy thing to say out loud?"
"No, and I apologize for sounding ungrateful," I reeled myself back in. "I imagine this is why you see me as a burden… keeping me alive, that is."
"It is," my partner didn't leave me wondering this time. "Being burdened by uncertainty feels just as heavy though, especially since I usually don't care about these things. However, you've taken all of this better than I expected."
"Have I?" my brows were raised.
"I don't know anybody on Alrest who worries about the future more than you do." Nia knew me well indeed, ever mindful of my anxieties and my reliance on her to help me sort them out. "Maybe you've finally rubbed off on me and gotten me to think about our future, too."
"Nia, I…" Further thoughts abandoned me as her revelation began to sink in like seeds sown. "I figured you'd been stalling to shield me from a heavy truth, but I didn't think it was this heavy. I don't know what else to say."
"You can say thank you!" she shoved her back against me, her outburst snapping me into shape. "If I'm gonna be responsible for your freakin' life, then it's the least you ca-"
"Thank you!" I couldn't say it any quicker. "Thank you for literally keeping me alive… again." It almost sounded too incredible to be taken seriously.
"You're welcome!" my savior lapped it up. "It's nice to be appreciated."
"Nia, come on," my tone turned a whiny shade of blue, "you know I appreciate you."
"Yeah," Nia laid her head back on my shoulder momentarily, "but it's nice to hear it every now an' then."
"I can worship you, if you want," I played the joker card.
"Mmm… treat me like a queen, eh?" she rolled with it in spades. "Not a bad idea."
"I was only kidding," the joke was on me now.
"I wasn't," Nia grinned for the first time tonight. "I know you've got a way with words."
"Er… alright, sure, I do," I accepted her compliment, "but it's difficult to put it in words without sounding… sappy."
"But sappy is so you," my brutally honest Blade reminded me, appearing to have finally crested her hurdle, "so give it to me."
"Are you sure you want it?" This was my first and last warning.
"Smother me with it, Rem," Nia was all for it, ready to move on. "I wanna feel good again."
"Okay then, um…" To me, picking the right words was very important, especially for her of all people. "I know I've said this before, but you have no idea how grateful I am to have you in my life."
"I have the general idea…" her knees rubbed together in anticipation for what I could muster.
"Ahem… in moments like this, when we're together, I can only think of the good times with you," I continued through her side commentary. "All the bad stuff seems insignificant."
"I'm always up for more good times," she sighed, sounding further detached from her turmoil.
"They're easy to have when you're with the one you care about the most," the saccharinity of my words gained another dallop of syrup. "I'd never cared for anyone so much until you came along. Life was once gray, but then you gave me the color I never knew I needed."
"One thing I can't forget is the look on your face when you first saw me." It wasn't often that Nia recalled an early memory of hers, let alone the earliest of her present life.
"I was enthralled, what can I say?" I didn't mind reminiscing about an embarrassing moment of mine for her enjoyment.
"I'm not that pretty, Rem," she shied away from her vanity.
"I think you're pretty… much prettier than me, anyway." A humble smirk drew itself on my face as her hair tickled my nose. "I hope you know that I appreciate you on a far deeper level by now, like how you've helped me grow as a person. You give me a gentle push every now and then when I need it."
"You do the same for me, too," my equally humble partner concurred.
"And of course, having a partner keeps me from being lonely," I rubbed her abdomen with my palms, absentmindedly at first but purposely thereafter. "I'm not going to pretend that I'm too prudent to admit that."
"You're young yet," she twitched once to my touch. "You would've eventually found someone else if not for me, even if it had to be another Blade."
"Nia, I don't want to think about being with anyone else," my lips pressed softly into her nape. "You're the most important person to me. Human… Blade… a mix of both… it doesn't matter."
"A-and I'm lucky to have such a caring person as my driver," my bonny Blade reciprocated, slightly distracted by my actions. "I couldn't have hoped to feel any kind of joy if I were stuck with a jerk."
"I want you to be happy," I sat back to give her a break. "I want to make you feel good like you said… like you deserve."
"You're doin' pretty well at that, so far," she inched back over the space that I'd given her.
"Good," my eyes traced the contour of her back as she freed her shoulders from the golden straps of her outfit. "You're not the same when you're upset."
"Help me with this, yeah?" my partner lifted herself expectantly so I could slide the rest of the garment off. It wasn't long before I followed suit, returning to my previous position. "Glad it's gone. Feels so liberatin', now…"
"W-well, talking it out usually does us good, as you once taught me," I tentatively embraced her again.
"I hate that I… can't tell if y-you're bein' daft intentionally or not," Nia groaned, both in annoyance and in pleasure as my fingers took the shape of her modest bosom.
"Look, you helped me get through my schoolyard grief," another small peck from me delivered a tingle below her neck. "It's only fair that I helped you with this."
"S-seriously, Rem…" she pressed back into me. "Are we even on the same page, 'ere?"
"I would hope we are," I dropped my hands again, this time letting one dip lower than before. "We're partners, after all."
"That we are, so stop with the teasin' an' get to it, eh?" Her claws latched onto the blanket underneath us as I reached my new destination. I lingered for a bit, waiting for any sign of resistance in spite of her impatience. Soon, her knees parted, an invitation for me to sink in. Although it was familiar territory, the exploration felt as new and invigorating as it did the first time.
"W-we've been together for… three years now…" my eyes dimmed so as to better concentrate.
"Who's countin'?" she couldn't have possibly cared less right now.
"And we've got many more ahead of us," I pulled out to give her another breather, feeling the air cool my hot digits soaked from the water Blade.
"Not unless you… shut up… and get on with it," Nia growled and clamped my wrist, threatening to crush it if I continued to spoil the moment.
"S-sorry," it would've been the end of me to dissatisfy her now. "How far along…?"
"Just get on with it," her fiery breath grazed my arm in short bursts. Without saying another word, I resumed the needful task, not that I had much choice while her arm was trapping mine in place. I could've sworn that her ether lines were glowing a mite brighter than usual. Then again, my vision had become clouded since she wasn't the only one relishing in the act.
It was true that I appreciated her, down to the core. Holding Nia against me now seemed like a privilege after our ordeal abroad. The cruelest of fates had done their worst to keep us apart, yet here we were, together again. Nothing was going to stop us now, blissfully closed off from the rest of the preposterous world. As survivors, we were both ready to experience the rapture we deserved. Waning seconds dripped like dew off a succulent leaf, and soon we were there, a little piece of Elysium made just for us. Tremors tried to shake her out of the euphoric dream, but I didn't let go. I never wanted to let go of her again, at least the irrational part of my mind didn't. My embrace caught every precious movement from her, finding them more enjoyable than my own. In the end, she'd crushed my hand anyway, but I didn't care.
"Nia?" I whispered after she twitched for the last time.
"I… needed that… so much," Nia melted into me, or so it felt.
"I know." A most delightful fragrance intoxicated me now that the tension had been released. More than just a smell of success, we'd rediscovered what it meant to enjoy life again, something so easily forgettable these days.
"Give me a minute," she exhaled slowly, "and I'll make it even."
"Oh, we're even," I confessed, slightly embarrassed. "There's no need."
"Sorry I missed it," my contented Blade stretched her arms as fatigue seeped in.
"It's not a big deal," my own body was starting to feel the drain as well.
"Yeah, sure," she leaned on one arm with her fist disappearing into the unkempt blanket. "Listen, thanks for everythin'… for puttin' up with me."
"You put up with me as well, it's what we do," I insisted with a lethargic grin. "So, do you feel better now?"
"Mmm… better, but not all the way," Nia wasn't ready to admit total success. "I might still be damaged, internally."
"Do you feel damaged, though?" my head tilted inquisitively.
"No… just incomplete like I said before…" she gauged with a yawn, "and tired."
"You know, we could just pay a visit to the therapy center tomorrow," I suggested, since we'd sought their expertise last time Nia's power had been impaired. "A second opinion couldn't hurt, especially from a professional who's familiar with us."
"Fine… but for now, I'm ready to hit the sack." Nia spun around on her knees and rubbed her eyes, affording me a few seconds to behold her beautiful, glowing core. Maybe it was my current mental state, but I refused to believe that she'd compromised it to save me. Before I could say anything else, she dug her arms under one of my pillows and laid herself down to sleep. "Goodnight, Rem."
"Nia?" my spent hand came to rest on her shoulder.
"What now?" My partner presented me with an indignant scowl, but it didn't scare me out of my final deed of the night. Darkness notwithstanding, I crawled beside her and found her lips with mine, a goodnight kiss worth the bother. In fact, it was our first one since the war.
"Goodnight, Nia," and with that, I rolled onto my back and prepared for slumber to tuck me in. "See you in the morning."