Birth and Re-Death

by ThreeDollarBratwurst

I swear, every time I turn around, someone else has got a clever idea to get me killed. And it usually works. Death doesn't seem too keen on sticking with me, though, so I guess I can get over it. Self-insert. Playfully testing the limits of what Rated T means. Cover image by Xcell

57. Ch 57: Cold Hands, Warm Hearts

Birth and Re-Death

Chapter 57: Valentine's Day Special: Cold Hands, Warm Hearts

"I think this is the last of the ingredients," I say, gingerly placing the thin sack holding a fresh deer heart on the table with the other assorted ingredients.

Tharja casually reaches into the bag and pulls the heart out, inspecting it. I don't know how she can see anything that well anyway, with how dark she keeps her bedroom. "Hmm… I suppose this will do. The hex would have been easier if we had a fawn's heart, though."

I shrug, defeated. "If you can believe it, there aren't a lot of butchers that do baby deer. Hell, I got enough weird looks asking for that. You'll have to make do with Bambi's mom this time."

Tharja frowns. "Like I said. It'll do. And you're right; that was the last of what I needed."

Robin rises from the chair in the corner. "It was? We can finally get a move on?"

"Yes." She places the deer heart in the damp, stained sack where she's been putting all of the non-liquid ingredients for the hex. "We'll want to do this outside, trust me. When these ingredients go up, the smell is not going to be pleasant."

"You don't need to tell us twice," I reply, wasting no time heading for the door, Robin following close behind.

We take the ingredients out to the field between the barracks and the stables, a nice, open area where no one is at this time of evening. I'm carrying a little bundle of firewood, enough for a small bonfire.

As I'm setting up the firewood, Tharja says, "I'm sure you've thought about this a lot, but it's important to be sure. This hex will last as long as your phylactery does. And based on the phylactery you've chosen, it's likely that this hex will last until one of you dies no matter what. Is that what you want?"

"That's exactly what we want. A total failsafe," Robin says. I nod in agreement.

"Forgive me, but I really don't see what benefit this hex will actually serve. So you'll know if the other person has died. Is it going to be worth the pain?"

Robin sighs. "It's far from ideal. But it's the best we can do, right? If you can't use a hex to make it so we can communicate from a great distance, then the next best thing is making sure that we can be absolutely certain when the other person has died."

Tharja raises a brow. "I still don't get it. What do you gain?"

"We'll know for sure. Wouldn't you rather know right away if someone you care about has died? Instead of wondering, worrying, when are they coming home? We'll know for certain in an instant," I say.

Tharja chuckles darkly. "Oh, you'll know alright. If this hex works, it should be pretty excruciating. But that's the other thing. How will you even be sure it worked? It will only activate if one of you dies."

"I have every confidence in your abilities, Tharja," Robin replies.

The dark mage narrows her eyes at each of us in turn. "You two are hiding something. I don't much like being left out of a secret, you know."

"It's a feeling my friends get used to, you'll find," I say with a smirk.

"So we're friends now? Whoopie." Tharja waves her hands, perhaps the most unenthused jazz hands I have ever seen. "I suppose we may as well get this over with. Are you both ready?"

Robin and I stand on the opposite side of the woodpile from Tharja, a few feet apart. "Yeah, we're ready," I say.

"Go ahead, Tharja," Robin adds.

"Hand over the phylactery," Tharja tells me. I unstrap Longinus from my back and give it to her. I figure the best phylactery is a piece of solid metal that I'm determined never to lose again. It's seen its share of battles without so much as a scratch so far. Tharja sets Longinus on the ground in front of her. "You realize that this staff might be meaningful for you, but to me it's just a hunk of metal, yes? This is going to be difficult."

I smile guiltily. "It's something I'm not likely to lose track of. I appreciate you going to the trouble, Tharja."

She just rolls her eyes in reply. "Alright. Here goes." Tharja holds a sheet of paper up in front of her and crumples it in her fist. When she reopens it, a small flame rests in her palm, which shoots onto the pile of firewood and sets it alight. The flame burns quickly, and I can feel its heat even several feet away.

Tharja picks up the sack of ingredients and holds it up over the fire for a few seconds before lowering it carefully into the flames, making sure that it's not going to tip out of the fire. A couple pieces of wood buckle out of the sack's way, forming a sort of pit in the center of the fire for the sack to sit in.

Almost instantly, I can tell why Tharja suggested we do this outside. Robin holds her nose next to me. I feel my eyes start to water. And that's before Tharja pours a couple vials of foul-smelling liquid onto the fire. When I asked her what was in those bottles before, all she told me was 'you don't want to know,' and I decided to drop it. Whatever it was, the two bottles together make the fire flash colors of icy blue and furious purple amid the usual red and orange. A mix of stinging odors—best I can come up with to describe it is 'spoiled milk meets rotting fish guts meets overcooked eggs'—invades the air around us. Tharja mutters something under her breath, but I can't make out what it is because Robin and I have both started coughing. If dark mages have to get used to this to become proficient hexers, I can see why Tharja always looks so sickly. There's no way this can be good for someone.

Some fifteen, twenty seconds later, the fire calms down, and there's no trace of the ingredients we cast into the flames. Whatever she did to the fire must have increased its potency, because everything that went into it has been reduced to ash. Over the next couple minutes, the smell slowly dissipates as the fire burns itself out.

I… don't feel any different. I look at Robin. She looks the same. The puzzled look on her face suggests that she doesn't feel any different either.

Suddenly, Longinus is in front of my face. Tharja is holding it out to me. It shakes in her grip.

"Take it," she commands. I grab it and inspect it for any sign that it has changed.

"Did it work?" I ask. I look up from Longinus to glance at Tharja's face. It's paler than usual, and her eyes are tired.

"Yes. I don't know what you expected, but that was it. The hex is placed. And that staff has apparently been accepted as its phylactery," she says, her voice as shaky as her hands.

"How can you tell?" Robin asks. "We don't feel any different."

Tharja rolls her eyes again. "Well, is the hex supposed to do anything to you when neither of you is dead?" She doesn't wait for the obvious answer. "You won't feel anything until one of you dies. Then, trust me, you'll feel it. I hope it was worth it." She sits down on the grass, though maybe 'falls on her butt on the grass' would be a more accurate description. "I'm tired."

Robin and I both understand how much casting a massive spell can take it out of you. There's no doubt that she's done us a huge service here. Robin walks over and sits down next to her.

"We owe you for this, Tharja. Seriously," Robin says with a grateful smile.

Tharja looks at Robin next to her, eyes wide and face red. I don't think she was prepared for an earnest display of gratitude from Robin. Normally Robin sort of keeps her at arm's length, and I think she's gotten used to that.

"W-well, I may not understand why you'd do this to yourselves, but if it makes you happy, I guess that's reason enough for me," she says with a nervous smile. "For now, though, I think I need to rest. That hex took it out of me."

"Should we help you get back to your room?" I ask, offering a hand to help her up.

She waves me off dismissively. "Just leave me here. I will sleep right here."

Robin cocks an eyebrow. "Right here? In the middle of this field? At night?"

"Yes. A dark mage needs to spend time in nature to stay in touch with the ambient magic of the world. Those that sequester themselves in stone and wood and steel at all times lose themselves," Tharja replies. She lies on her back. "Also I'm already comfortable. I can't risk messing with that."

I shrug. "Good enough for me."

Robin sighs. "Fine. Thanks again for your help, Tharja. It's given us more peace of mind than you know."

"Don't worry about it, Robin. I'll collect on that debt soon enough," Tharja replies with a sleepy yet somehow still evil smile.

With that, Robin and I start heading back for the barracks. We're quiet until we're a good distance away from Tharja.

"Alright, so in the morning, we agree we should test this, right?" I ask.

Robin grimaces. "Yes, I suppose we should. We'll work out the details tomorrow."

"Great."

We're quiet again until we arrive at the barracks. We ascend the stairs together to the second floor, then I pause before going up to the third.

"I'll see you in the morning," I say.

Robin smiles, a bit of an uneasy edge to it. "Sleep well, Randy."

---

I wake up from a surprisingly restful night's sleep. I kinda expected being hexed would mess with my dreams or my mind to some extent, but to my surprise, I feel literally no different than I did before. If anything, there's a faint reassurance that things are okay as long as I don't feel the hex kick in.

Of course, we still have to make sure it works. Which means it's time to die.

I sit up and stretch. It's a strange feeling, getting ready for my day. I brush my hair and put on clean clothes and all that, just like normal, but knowing that I am going to die today. Even after Robin and I learned that we share this power, we've never gone into a new day intending from the start to die. This is new.

I go downstairs and knock softly on Robin's bedroom door. No answer. I decide to peek inside just in case she's still asleep and not already waiting for me down in the common area.

Sure enough, there's a suspiciously Robin-shaped bundle under her blue blanket in bed. Well, under and sort of wrapped in. Her blanket is coiled around her at odd angles, clearly the result of a night of restless sleep.

"Hey, Robin," I say as I enter the room.

"Mmngh," she replies. She twists more, then weakly fights at the blanket that restricts her movement. She quickly gives up.

"Come on, let's get this over with." I approach the bed.

She whimpers unintelligibly from under the blanket.

"Time to wake up, Robin," I say. I gently shake her shoulder.

"Just… let me…" she moans.

"What are you saying?"

She makes a high-pitched whining sound, as if in pain. "Let me die."

"Let you… huh?" I pull the blanket down, uncovering her head. Her eyes are still closed. She's either asleep or trying really hard to be. "Dude, wake up."

"Help… help me…" she says, quiet but panicked.

"Robin." I crouch down to her eye level and shake her shoulder some more. "You're dreaming. Wake up."

Finally, her eyes open. She looks at me, her eyes wide and fearful. "Help me, Aversa!" she shouts, startling me into falling backwards on the floor.

The sound of me falling over seems to have really woken her. She blinks, then starts panting and looking around, finally aware of herself. "Oh. Gods, I'm sorry Randy," she says breathlessly.

"Hell of a dream," I reply, staggering to my feet again.

She impatiently yanks at the blanket until she's freed herself from its grasp. "Yeah, definitely. I get them sometimes."

"Dreams like that? That happens often?" I ask.

"Occasionally. But they're always similar. I see the world from the perspective of that man, Validar. You told me once that he's my father. I don't know how I know that it's him, but in the dream, I know who I am."

I cock an eyebrow. "You're dreaming as Validar? You sounded pretty panicked for a guy that's due to become the next king of Plegia."

She shakes her head. "I don't know what these dreams might mean, or how real they are. But in the dreams, he's… beyond miserable. He's suffering unimaginably. Just barely not starving to death, trapped in a room he can't get out of, wanting only to die but for some reason unable to do so. He lives in filth… his own filth."

"Christ, that's… well, frankly that's odd. He should be doing just fine right now."

Robin's brow furrows with drowsy frustration. "What does this mean? Why am I seeing these things?"

"Well as for why you're seeing them, that's something I expected. You have a mental link with Validar. He can communicate with you if he wishes, but sometimes he communicates unwittingly with you through dreams. That was in the game," I reply.

"Ugh. So I can communicate with him from anywhere, but not you. Great," she grumbles.

"As for what you're seeing… I don't know. He should be running the show over in Plegia right now. Well on his way to kingship and more confident than ever. Certainly shouldn't be wanting to die," I say, rubbing my beard thoughtfully.

Another major change, if her dreams still reflect reality. But this one I don't see how I could have had any part to play in it. Unless…

Aversa.

By the way, you're totally being brainwashed, and it's super funny.

Did I do this? Lay the seeds for Aversa having some kind of wakeup call? Did she turn on Validar? But if so, why is she still the primary suspect for summoning that army of Risen that attacked the city the other week? Why would she still be working against us if she's broken the brainwashing? There's still too much we don't know.

I realize Robin has been saying something and I have been utterly ignoring it.

"Sorry, what?" I ask sheepishly.

Robin groans. "I was saying that it's not something we can really do anything about right now regardless. We should just, you know, get this done with."

"Oh. Yeah. We should." My stomach feels funny. "Where should we, uh… do it?"

Robin shrugs. "Should probably do it outside the city. No one trying to be 'helpful' and intervene."

"Good point. Maybe a pegasus knight or two could give us a ride?" I offer.

"Yeah, maybe." She shifts under her blanket. "You want to get out for a minute? I need to change."

"Ah. Right, my bad," I stammer, hastily leaving the room and shutting the door behind me.

Out in the hallway, I spot a certain smol dragon half-skipping down the hall toward the stairs. She perks up when she spots me.

"Oh! Hey Randy! What are you doing he–" she starts, then pauses when she notices where I'm standing. "Were you just visiting Robin?" she asks.

"Yeah." Seeing Nowi here brings back a recent memory. "Say, is that offer for a flight in dragon form still on the table?" I ask.

Nowi nods excitedly. "Yeah, always! Didja wanna do that today?"

"If you have time. Actually, I was hoping you could give me and Robin a ride out of the city."

"Oh, of course!" she exclaims. "Where are you headed?"

"Say… the near shore of the lake?"

"Oooh, how romantic~" Nowi says teasingly.

"Yeah, yeah."

The door opens, and Robin emerges. "I thought I heard you outside, Nowi," she says. "Good morning."

"Mornin'!" Nowi chirps. "I hear you need a ride."

Robin glances at me, her expression strained. "Yeah, we do need a ride. But is it, you know, safe?"

I give her a look that's meant to communicate something like 'why on earth are you worried about whether a ride is safe when we're going out expressly to die?'

"You're the one who's always sending me into battle with Ricken and Donny on my back," Nowi reminds her.

"That's true…" Robin looks distressed. "Alright. I suppose."

"Great!" Nowi heads for the stairs with a sort of 'vamanos' wave of her arm as she passes us.

As we walk, I ask out of the corner of my mouth, "What gives? Don't you trust Nowi?"

"It's not a matter of trust," she replies equally quietly. "I just don't really like flying generally."

"Huh. Noted, I guess."

We reach the common area. A few other Shepherds are loitering around, but it's a kind of slow morning it seems.

"Do you wanna get some breakfast before we go?" Nowi asks.

Robin and I glance at each other and come to a silent agreement. "Nah, we're good," I say. It's not really worth it if we're about to die.

"Okay!" Nowi ducks into the mess hall for a few seconds and emerges with at least three small rolls stuffed in her mouth. "Lff gh!" she attempts to say, then heads for the door outside.

We follow her out, and by the time we get there, she's already in the middle of her transformation process. Her massive dragon form rises over us, still a difficult thing to get used to seeing after almost a year. Sometimes I still have one of those 'holy shit, I'm in a fantasy world' moments, and seeing Nowi's dragon form is a frequent cause of that.

"Hop aboard!" she says, her draconic, echoing voice unnaturally amplified.

I at least remember how to get onto her safely. I sit where Nowi directed me last time and motion for Robin to join me. She shuffles over reluctantly.

"So… what do I do?" Robin asks.

"Just sit behind me and hang on, I guess," I reply.

"Yeah!" Nowi shouts. "You'll be fine, I promise!"

Robin glances between the two of us a few times. "Alright. Fine. Here we go." She awkwardly straddles Nowi's neck behind me.

"Better hang on tight," I say over my shoulder.

"To what?"

"To me, dummy," I laugh.

"Oh. Okay." She gingerly places her arms around my abdomen.

Nowi flexes, preparing to launch. I feel the tension increase on all sides of me; Nowi beneath, gathering energy and balance to power her jump, as well as Robin behind me, anxiously tightening her hold on me and leaning in close. I can't help but tense up myself too, holding firmly onto Nowi's tree trunk-esque scaly neck.

"Hold on!" Nowi shouts.

Nowi takes flight with a powerful spring from the ground, the flapping of her leathery wings moving massive gusts of air beneath us. Robin shouts nonspecifically in my ear, holding me still more tightly as the soil quickly shrinks away. The wind rushes furiously through my hair as Nowi propels herself forward and upwards, rocking us up and down with every beat of her wings. Thankfully it's a good bit smoother in that regard than taking off on a pegasus.

After some time, we get to 'cruising altitude,' when Nowi is high enough that she's able to just glide with only the occasional flap. Only now do I trust myself to look down. We're definitely a few hundred feet from the ground. It occurs to me that a drop from this height would certainly kill us. But dying at the same time wouldn't be helpful.

We sail over the city wall far below. From here, it's easy to see the vast expanse of Lake Lefcandith to the north of the city, even though the shore is a few miles away. The whole country is really damn beautiful from up here. I'm reminded of some of the epic countryside shots from the fantasy movies I loved as a kid. But actually seeing it for myself is on the next level. I'll admit, I could definitely get used to this.

Robin, on the other hand, is having less fun. "Mankind was not meant to fly!" she protests. "If we were supposed to be fliers we would have been given wings!" She clings to me for dear life, her fingers splayed over my chest to maximize her grip.

I see a nice, secluded spot by the shore of the lake, not too far from here. "Hey Nowi!" I shout.

"Yeah?"

"Down there, that spot next to the lake with that really big tree. Can you let us down there?"

"Got it!" She starts her descent, and we pick up speed. "Hang on!"

Robin yells in alarm as we accelerate toward the ground. For my part, the thrill of the speedy drop reminds me of roller coasters. As my stomach rises while we fall, the adrenaline pumping in my system mounts in intensity. I can't help but grin.

The ground quickly approaches. Robin's panicked shouting escalates in pitch and volume. Even I start to get a little alarmed. But thankfully Nowi pulls up, reducing her flight speed and giving her the chance to flap her wings to control our descent a little more.

A few seconds later, she touches down onto the grass. The branches of the nearby tree sway with the wind Nowi's wings have blown through them.

The moment Nowi lowers her head to allow us to get off, Robin releases her hold on me and hurls herself from Nowi's back. I chuckle and get off myself.

"So you're not a fan of flying, huh?" I ask.

"No, I am most certainly not," she snaps back, glaring embarrassedly.

Nowi folds her wings at her sides. "Sorry about that, Robin. I just got a little excited."

Robin glowers for a moment, then sighs and relents. "It's fine. I'm just… really not used to that feeling. I prefer the security of the ground."

Nowi's large dragon head bows in shame.

"Well, I had fun at least, Nowi," I say. "I wish I'd tried that earlier."

The manakete perks up again. "Thanks, Randy! I had a feeling you would enjoy it!"

"I might not like flying, but you did give us a hand," Robin says kindly. "I appreciate it."

Nowi looks around. "Say, why did you need to come out here anyway? You didn't bring anything for a picnic or anything. Did you just wanna go swimming or something?"

"Swimming might not be out of the question, but that wasn't our main reason for coming here," I reply. "We just wanted to find a nice place to have a… an important conversation, I guess."

I can't read dragon expressions very well yet, but Nowi's tone carries her skepticism just fine. "What kind of conversation is so important that you need to be so far out of the wa–" She stops herself. "Oh. Umm… I just remembered, I promised Ricken I would go to a few shops with him today. Are you two going to be able to get back to Ylisstol from here?"

"Yeah, it's only a few miles," I reply. "We'll be fine."

"Okay, great! Well, I'll, uh, see you later!" Nowi doesn't wait for a response before springing into the air again. She turns a quick little loop in the air before flying back toward the city.

Robin and I watch the dragon shrink in the distance for a couple minutes before we decide she's out of earshot.

"So… you ready to do this?" I ask. Even though we've both died nearly twenty times so far, it hasn't gotten any easier or less scary.

"I guess." Her voice is shaky too. "Who should go first?"

"Well, in our current situation it's more important that you be able to tell when I've died than the other way around, right? I'm the one who's going out into the unknown. So we should check that first, I suppose," I say.

She nods. "Right."

We stand silently for a long few seconds.

"Are you going to do it?" Robin asks.

"I was… kind of hoping you'd do it," I admit. "I'm gonna have to do it myself when it's your turn."

"You really want me to…" She trails off. It's still hard to talk about, even here, even when we're alone. "You know how hard that is."

"Yeah. But I don't like doing it myself. I really hate it."

Another awkward silence hangs over the air.

"Well… I guess I could. But I don't want to," Robin says.

"I'll make it up to you," I say. "How are you going to do it?"

She fishes a yellow tome from her coat. "I came prepared. It worked before, after all."

"Ah. Thoron. We meet again." I look at Robin's face. She stares, her brow arched with distress, at the tome in her hand. "Would it help if I, like, faced away from you or something?"

"Yes. Definitely," she says quickly.

I laugh nervously. "Alright. Can do." I turn and face the large tree. "I'm ready when you are."

"Okay…" I hear her open the tome. I close my eyes. The sound of crackling electricity and the by-now familiar smell of ozone fill the air. I start to take a deep breath, but before I finish inhaling, the world becomes impossibly loud and hot for the briefest of moments and then–

---

I wake up.

I take a breath. It's strange to start to take a breath, never get the chance to exhale, then immediately start inhaling again.

I sit up. I can't speak for whether the hex worked, but we at least made it back. I need to see Robin. I speed through the getting dressed and generally putting myself together steps, then hasten downstairs.

I already know Robin is asleep right now, so I just let myself into her room. As expected, there she is, mid-turn in her bed. I close the door behind me.

"Robin, time to wake up," I say, crouching and softly shaking her shoulder. "Did it work?"

"Mmungh," she moans. "Randy."

"Yeah, it's me. How are you feeling?" I ask.

Her right hand crosses her chest to feel my hand on her other shoulder. "You're here," she says drowsily.

I can't help but chuckle a bit. "Also true."

I'm caught off-guard when she suddenly snatches my sleeve and pulls me over into an awkward sort of perpendicular hug.

"Whoa, what's–?" I start to ask, but then I look at her face. Eyes closed, expression pretty much neutral. She must still be asleep.

"Er, Robin?" I almost plead. My arms are kind of awkwardly splayed behind me, pushed against the edge of the bed. I manage to wrangle one of them around and over the bed. I pat Robin's cheek in a sort of extremely gentle wake-up slap. "Wake up, Robin."

I guess my voice this close to her ears plus my hand on her face is finally enough to get through to her. She opens her eyes slowly. They look around, bleary and unfocused.

"Huh?" she mumbles. She blinks a couple times, then her eyes widen considerably. "Wah!" she yelps, relinquishing her hold on me and retreating to the other end of the bed. "Randy! I'm sorry!"

My face feels as red as hers looks. "Ahah, it's no problem. You were just, you know, asleep," I stammer.

"R-right. Still, sorry," she says, trying to covertly wipe at some dried drool on her face. "Tharja tells me that I was always a, um, sleep cuddler. I guess anyone who gets close to me when I'm asleep is taking the risk of getting snatched up."

"Don't worry about it." it feels weird to change the subject so drastically, but I feel like I need to get what I came here for out of the way quickly. "How are you doing, after… you know…" I trail off.

Her face loses some of its embarrassed energy and her expression dampens. "Well, Tharja promised it would be awful. And it was exactly as advertised."

"What's it like?"

"Like someone is ripping your heart out of your chest and replacing it with a ball of molten iron," she replies, her gaze drawn to the stitching on the blue blanket in front of her. "For a moment, I wondered if it might kill me after all, or worse, knock me out. But it's not that kind of pain. It's a sharp, alert pain, the kind that makes you focus on it. It's terrible, but it's exactly what we were after." Her gaze is distant, not really looking at anything as she recalls the experience.

"I see." That look on Robin's face hurts to see. I hate that I caused her this pain, even if it's exactly what we planned. "I guess we'd better go make sure it works on me too, shouldn't we?" As much as I really don't look forward to feeling this sensation, or to dying afterward, it's the best move.

"We should," Robin says. "But I don't want to." She looks at me, her eyes shimmering. "I don't already want to die again. I hate it, every time we have to do it. Can we just… wait a few days? I promise we'll do it before you leave, but can we just put it off a little?"

I'm surprised. Even the ever-pragmatic Robin has a limit. But I won't deny I mostly feel relieved. I didn't want to die again today either.

"We can wait a bit. We at least know the hex is generally active. And considering I'm way more likely to be the one who gets himself stupidly killed down the line, we know the more important half of the hex works," I say.

Robin sighs in relief. "Thank you. I'm just… really not used to that feeling. Even now, after maybe twenty times."

"Nineteen," I reply. "I've been keeping count."

"Nineteen," she repeats. "Three in or near Southtown. Two at or near the Border Pass. One with Virion's debt collectors. One at Darros Town. Three with the Grimleal in the desert. Seven at Golgotha." She shivers. "One here in Ylisstol. And then yesterday." She looks at me expressionlessly. "Yup. That's nineteen."

"So weird…" I say, sitting on the edge of her bed. "Without this power, we wouldn't have made it past day one."

"Hey," she replies, scooting over to sit next to me. "For a guy who had never lived in a world with magic and never lifted a blade in his life and a girl who had forgotten everything she ever knew, I would say we've done alright for ourselves."

I laugh. "Fair enough. It was a hell of a learning curve, though."

"No kidding." She shuffles around a bit to adjust her position. "Say, not to change the subject too abruptly, but have you figured out when you're leaving yet?"

"I haven't. I need to speak with Anna about that. She's the boss of the expedition. Lucina will probably be ready to go any time."

"Well…" She fidgets with her fingers in her lap. "It's just that in a little over a week, you know–"

"Trust me, I haven't forgotten," I interrupt. "I already feel awful that I was so caught up in my BS that I forgot about Lucina's birthday. I'm not about to forget yours too."

"A-ah," she says with a bashful smile. "Lissa says that she wants to have a party for me. It's going to be kind of a joint party for my birthday and Chrom's, since he and Maribelle won't be back until his has already passed. But I didn't want you to miss that."

"I wouldn't consider it. I'd sooner call off the whole trip," I say, giving her an encouraging smile. "You deserve a party, after everything you've been through this year."

"What about you? You've been through the same amount of stuff in that time," she replies.

"Psh. I'll have my turn when it's my birthday."

"That's not for like, nine more months!"

I raise a brow. "Well, it's not like I'll be here for most of that time anyway."

"Oh." Her smile flickers. "You have a point."

"Anyway, don't worry about it. February will be here again before we know it, and we'll worry about me then," I say.

"Fine. But you have to promise, then. You have to plan your trip so that you will definitely be back here by then, if only for an interim stop," Robin replies sternly.

"Alright, agreed," I say, my hands raised, conceding my defeat.

Robin smiles again, a touch on the smug side. "Good."

---

The days pass agonizingly. I try to perform my duties as grandmaster general, but my mind keeps wandering. He's really going through with leaving. Thankfully, he was able to successfully haggle with Anna to convince her to put off leaving until the day after my birthday, but that still leaves so little time left before he goes.

And now every time I see him, he's bustling about from one place to the next, trying to assemble different things they'll need for their trip. Finding his old black tent took him nearly an entire afternoon by itself. He's borrowed some of my regional maps to make sure he and Lucina don't get lost on their way to the Pyrathi Desert. He went out with Anna one day to get clothes for the journey. When he came back from that one, he was almost in tears about how much money Anna had spent. Him pitching in for supplies was part of the deal in allowing him and Lucina to come along and change their route. Where before Anna's route was going to take her and Gregor more or less directly to the Farfort after a brief leg east, now their route takes them quite a distance eastward before Randy and Lucina will break away and head farther on to the desert.

I try to be helpful when I can, working with him to determine what the best routes will be to get to where he thinks Laurent most likely will be found. But it's hard. I feel like I'm helping push him out the door. I still don't want him to go at all, even though I know it's important to him. I'm trying my best not to let my reluctance show when I'm around him. I just do my best to enjoy spending the time with him while I can.

A few days after we tested the hex, Chrom and Maribelle returned from their trip. I briefed Chrom on the status of the army, and I was surprised how quickly he seemed to just get back into the usual groove of things. Still training every morning, still having regular meetings with myself and other officers, still hearing about all manner of administrative matters. The only difference now is that when he's taking care of civil matters, he will often consult with Maribelle about them before making any sort of decision.

It's only in the evenings that things seem different with them. Maribelle sits next to Chrom at mealtimes, and they're constantly in conversation with each other. I remember how it was, not that long ago. Maribelle would be at Lissa's side, usually not engaging with anyone except Lissa unless otherwise necessary. I know Randy worried that Maribelle has trouble making and keeping friends. It's nice to see that her marriage to Chrom has ensured that she always has someone to talk to. She looks more confident, smiles more earnestly.

The night of the 31st comes before I know it. Tomorrow is my birthday, and then the day after…

After dinner, I'm back in my office in the palace. If I'm going to be goofing off tomorrow, I want to get a headstart on the work still to be done. We're going to be graduating our first class of recruits from the soldiers' general boot camp soon and moving them onto specialist programs. I need to be sure everything is in order to accommodate the shift.

I'm poring over the lists of names and figures when someone knocks on the door.

"Come in."

The door opens, and Chrom enters with a wave hello. "I heard you had gone back to work after dinner," he says.

"Yeah. This party they're having for us is going to distract me probably all day, so I want to make sure I'm not falling behind before we start specializing the recruits," I reply.

He closes the door, then crosses the room to sit in one of the chairs opposite my desk. "Just so you know, I was very clear that this party is supposed to be, let's say, 80-20 in terms of whose party this is. I already had my share of attention the other week at the wedding. It's your turn to enjoy center stage."

I chuckle. "I wouldn't worry about it. I've never been much for being the center of attention. You saw how awkwardly I addressed that crowd the day you took on the Exalt position. I'm a tactician, not a leader like you."

"All the more reason to make sure you get your due recognition," he says with a grin. "No getting around it, tomorrow is as much about you as they'll let me make it."

"I'll brace myself." I put aside the notebook I was writing in. "Is there something you needed, or are you just here to say hello?"

"Well, not just that, no," he says. "I've heard rumors that Randall is leaving Ylisstol."

"Yeah. Those rumors are true."

Chrom's smile has shifted. I can see the concern behind his eyes, in the arch of his brow. "Is that, well… okay? With you, I mean."

"Why wouldn't it be? I'm going to miss him, obviously, but he feels this is important for him to do. I'm not going to stop him."

"It's not so much that you should stop him, but I guess… I don't know. When you were apart from him before, it seemed like it was tearing you up. I just want to make sure you're going to be okay."

I sigh. "Am I really that much of a wreck without him? That even when he's going willingly on a supposedly reasonably safe trip for a few months, I'm going to fall apart?"

"Well, it's not even like you're the only one," he says urgently, as if to head off my indignation. "From what I heard, Randall was really down while we were gone too. I'm worried for both of you."

I can't get into it with Chrom, the real reason that Randy and I were so on edge while we were apart. I'm sure from the outside it just looks like we're desperate for each other.

Which, if I'm being honest with myself, isn't entirely unfair, at least on my end.

"Look, it's going to be hard, yes, but I'm going to be okay," I say. "I have to be able to get used to being apart from him. It wouldn't do for the grandmaster general to be so hyper-dependent on anyone, even her best friend."

Chrom averts his gaze for a moment, looking at the desktop between us. "That may be true, but…" He sighs. "Look, have you told him?"

"Told him what?"

He frowns, looking back up at me again. "Don't play dumb. You're in love with him. Aren't you?"

I feel heat behind my ears, slowly creeping forward on my face. I've gotten used to the teasing from the others, but to be talking about it so seriously is another matter. "What does that have to do with it?"

"Is that a yes?" He leans forward a bit.

Now it's my turn to look away. "...Yes. I love him."

"Are you not going to say something to him?"

"Do you really think it's the right moment? Right before he leaves for months?" I counter.

"Is there a better time?"

"What about when he comes back? Wouldn't that be a much more sensible idea?" I lean in too. "And for that matter, what business is it of yours if I do or don't tell him anything?"

He pauses. He sits back in his chair and takes a deep breath. "You're right. It's not my place. And really, I'm no one to talk. I held onto my reluctance to tell Maribelle how I felt for years on end. But I just… I want you to be happy, I suppose. And after last time you two were apart, can you really blame me for being concerned?"

I muster a weak smile. "I appreciate that. But it's… I don't know, complicated."

He laughs wearily. "Don't I know it? And I realize I'm hardly the master of timing. I asked Maribelle to marry me the same day as Gangrel's sentencing hearing. Hardly the most romantic situation to drop that on someone." We both laugh, but it's a bit stilted. "But then again, look how it worked out." I glance at the ring on his finger. "It couldn't have been better."

I groan inwardly. It's hard to counter a prime example like that.

"It's hard," I say. "And I'm scared of getting hurt. Or worse, hurting him."

Chrom smiles sympathetically. "I can definitely understand that. In the end, I can't make you do anything. You have to decide for yourself if it's worth the risk." He stands up. "I just wanted you to know that you have my support. Whatever you decide."

"Thank you, Chrom," I reply. "I'll… give it some thought, I suppose."

"Alright. Good night, Robin," he says, heading for the door.

"Night."

I'm left to my dim, quiet office once more. For a brief moment, I reach for my notebook, considering going back to work. But it takes almost no time to decide that that's not going to happen tonight. I've been given too much to think about.

I watch the candles on my desk slowly shrink, the wax devoured by the encroaching flame. Getting smaller all the time. Soon the fires will eat past their limit and burn out. Just a matter of time.

---

After the gigantic crowds, numerous bands, and sprawling scope of Chrom and Maribelle's wedding, a party like this is a wonderful change of pace. The party is being held in the Shepherds barracks, just a gathering for the Shepherds and our closest allies. Outside of the Shepherds themselves, Robin also asked me to make sure that Litica of all people was invited to the party, which was surprising. I didn't know she and Litica were at all close, let alone 'invited to your birthday' close. Not that I'm complaining, obviously.

There are two noteworthy absences from the party. The first is Lucina. She says she's still not ready to be around her parents in the open so closely. I guess she has to take these things at her own pace.

The other absentee is Cordelia, perhaps unsurprisingly. Between the guy she thought was the love of her life and the girl who nearly ripped her a new one the other week, I can see why she doesn't really feel like this is the setting for her. I hope she's okay, wherever she is.

In honor of the birthday girl, Stahl and Kellam have been hard at work preparing a feast of bear meat (and other options for those with more conventional tastes). I'd be lying if I said it's my favorite, but it's grown on me. It's made the whole mess hall smell like roasted game.

For my part, I've been helping with decorations. Nowi and Ricken made a banner to hang up in the mess hall, just a white narrow canvas sheet with blue paint on it that reads: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBIN AND CHROM, with little Brands of the Exalt flanking Chrom's name and strange zigzaggy symbols around Robin's. When I asked Nowi what those were, she informed me that, obviously, they're Levin swords. I suppose if you squint and tilt your head, you can kinda see it. Anyway, I helped put it up.

Additionally, Lissa had Lon'qu show her how to make paper lanterns in the traditional Chon'sin style. With a little wooden base and frame, they sit on the tabletop with a candle in the center, shining through the thin rectangular paper covering. She's created paper lanterns in various colors, flooding the room with cheerful rainbow light.

Finally, the cake. Hoo boy, I don't know what gap in judgment led to Gaius being given so much leash (and so much budget) with the cake prep, but the results are… astounding. I have perhaps never seen a larger cake. Easily nine or ten square feet at least. About four or five inches tall. And it's covered (maybe drowned is a better word) in a layer of sugar glaze, at least a quarter inch thick. And in the pre-baking phase, I tried that batter. I nearly passed out from an instant sugar overload. All of the Shepherds working with all their strength could never hope to topple such a saccharine beast. I don't even know where he took this mess to bake it in the first place. I didn't know ovens came that big.

On one of my supply runs with Anna, I made sure to stop at a traveling merchant's stall when I saw some of the goods he had on display. Specifically, he was selling imported whiskey. Whiskey from Plegia. I wasn't about to let Robin's party start without her preferred liquor on hand. Not that I plan to partake myself, at least not this time. I still need a bit of a break from getting liquored up for a while.

With that, the party itself is prepared. I decide that an occasion like this is worth dressing a little nicer for, so I'm in the blue suit that I bought but never got the chance to wear during the trial. I've decided to go without a tie, though. It is crucial to maintaining the formal-familiar.

The others had varying ideas on how to dress tonight. Some, like Sully, Vaike, and Lon'qu, just wear what they normally would. Others, like Stahl, Miriel, and myself, are dressed nicer than usual but still are keeping it level. A few, namely Virion and—surprisingly—Nowi, have opted for maximum formality. Nowi is wearing the dress she wore to the wedding, and her hair looks painstakingly dolled up. And finally, there's Gaius, who has dressed mostly normally but at some point found a chef's hat and has commandeered it for himself.

Now all that's missing are the guests of honor. They have been banned from the barracks until we could finish setting up the party. Before we could banish her from the building, however, Robin ensnared Sumia and took her with her to help prepare her for the party. I guess Robin wants to get prettied up too.

After some time, the door to the common area finally opens. Sumia enters first to announce their arrival.

"Hey everyone! The guests of honor have arri–oh!" she shouts as she trips through the door. Even in flats, she just doesn't stand a chance sometimes. "They're here!" she half-wheezes through winded lungs as Gaius swoops in to help her up.

Chrom enters first. He's apparently a member of the 'just dress like always' club. Didn't even opt to leave Falchion at the palace. Everyone cheers in greeting as he enters. He waves sheepishly and quickly gets out of the doorway to make way for Maribelle, who follows after him. She's in a slim burgundy gown and has elected to forego the drills today in favor of a more simple, elegant ponytail. I've gotten used to the drills by now, but this is really a good look for her.

Finally, Robin enters after the others, almost ducking into the room as if she's trying to sneak in. She's wearing a bright blue dress. It's fairly simple in design, sleeveless and extending just below her knees with no real frills to speak of. She has thin light brown sandals on, a far cry from her usual shin-length boots. Her hair has been gathered into a loose bun. She looks beautiful, in a different way than she did at Chrom's wedding. This has a more effortlessly lovely mood to it, though obviously I know it took a lot of help from Sumia to get it there.

Despite her attempt at a stealthy entrance, she can't avoid getting cheers of her own from all of us.

"Happy birthday, Robin!" we shout. She grins in spite of the rising color in her face. She's powerless to stop us as we crowd around, each waiting with a hug or a cheerful greeting or, in Lon'qu's case, a polite nod from several feet away.

I, however, am not so polite. When I've made my way to the front of the group, I envelop her in a veritable bear hug, lifting her a little as she giggles in my ear. I set her down and back up enough to see her face, red and grinning.

"Welcome to your party," I say.

"Thanks," she laughs.

"Alright, enough lovey-dovey crap!" Vaike shouts. "We've got us a feast to get feastin' on!"

And right he is. The party quickly moves from the common area to the mess hall, and Robin gazes with wonder in her eyes at all the decorations, then at the great heaps of food piled on platters around the room.

Robin and Chrom sit next to each other in the middle of the center table of the room, in front of a leviathan pile of bear meat set aside for them specifically. Maribelle sits on the other side of her husband, but as she gets settled she wrinkles her nose, then gives the bear meat a disdainful look. Out of what I assume is respect for the birthday girl, she doesn't say anything though. I sit across from the three of them, the better to actually have a conversation with them.

With that, the feast begins. Robin tears happily into the bear, at first attempting to maintain an air of decorum, but quickly abandoning it when she gets a taste of what Stahl and Kellam can do with bear meat. I have some myself, and I gotta say, it's pretty much the pinnacle of what one can reasonably do with carnivore meat.

The conversation jumps from topic to topic. Maribelle and Robin talk about where each of them got the dresses they're wearing tonight. They ask me about what girls from America wear. That leads to a long, painful process of trying to explain what denim is, followed by absolutely scandalizing Maribelle by describing some of the more… immodest outfits I've seen in my day. That line of conversation draws in Gaius and Vaike from further down the table, and before long, the conversation has attracted enough attention that it sort of turns into an impromptu lecture on American fashion. This segues into talking about American culture, music, food, pretty much anything that comes to mind.

"So, how does the food here compare?" Chrom asks. "Has Ylissean cuisine held up to your standards?"

"Well, it's hardly a fair comparison," I reply. "Here, with some rare exceptions, you're pretty much eating whatever is locally produced. In America, we had means of transport and preservation that allowed us to take any food product from basically anywhere in the world and move it, with relative ease and—usually—low expense, to any other place on earth. As a result, the average food market in America was full of different foods from all over the world. The sheer variety in food that was available to us can't really be matched here."

That catches Stahl's attention in particular. "Think you could show me how to prepare some American dishes?"

I shrug. "I was never much of a chef myself. But I could give it a go, yeah."

"Well, you'll have to tell us how the food is out east when you get back," Robin says with a smile.

Something shifts in the air.

"Get back?" Gaius asks. He looks at me. "So the rumors are true? You're really leaving?"

A murmur ripples through the space around us. The conversation at the other tables dies down as the others sense the shift. Suddenly the spotlight is on me.

"Yeah," I say. "Just for a while, though. There's something I've gotta take care of out east, in old Pyrathi."

"What's in Pyrathi, anyway? Even though it's technically in the halidom's territory, it's a pretty rough region. Aside from some intrepid locals, the only people that call that place home these days are bandits," Chrom says.

"Well, I know how much you all love it when I keep secrets," I say wearily. "But unfortunately, this is one of those things that's gotta stay under wraps. For now, anyway. But trust me, everyone will be glad that I did this."

A few uncertain looks flit about the room. It seems my reassurances have fallen on selectively deaf ears. Robin looks at me from across the table, her expression inscrutable.

"Anyway!" Gaius shouts. "It looks like folks are done with dinner, which means it's time for the real main event: let's bust out the cake!"

His words seem to flip a switch in the room, turning everyone back to happy partying mode, or at least a smiling one. I think everyone is collectively relieved for the change in subject.

The cake is brought out. It takes two people to carry it, and when it arrives, there isn't really room for it on the table. We have to scoot back the benches to make way for how much it spills over the sides of the table.

"Gaius…" Robin says. "You were responsible for this, weren't you?"

The thief grins. "You know me well, Bubbles. Don't worry, there's plenty for everyone."

Robin giggles. "That's really the very least of my concerns."

"Now then. I can't wait any longer, let's tear it up!" Gaius shouts, drawing a large kitchen knife from his side. With a twirling flourish, he plunges it into the cake and starts carving. His cuts are swift, precise, and very, very generous. As he scoops out the first piece of the cake from the tray, it's apparent that everyone in this room has their work cut out for them. It's roughly the size of a GameCube.

He sets it on a plate in front of Robin, and she stares at it uneasily. She holds up a fork, searching for an angle to gouge a dent into the beast. Meanwhile, Gaius gets to work on slicing the rest of the cake. Everyone is getting a gargantuan sugary cube similar to Robin's. As someone passes me a piece, and I get a close-up look at it, it looks even bigger.

I fork out a little piece, hardly seeming to even chip away at the beast. I take a bite. Holy shit, this is the sweetest thing I have ever eaten by a country mile. The flour and other batter ingredients are doing everything they can to hold all the sugar together. I know from the first bite that I will never, ever come close to defeating this thing. It would sit like a lead brick in my already full stomach.

I look around to see how everyone else is doing. The reactions to the cake are as varied as everyone's fashion choices. Some, especially the younger ones (and Nowi), are as thrilled as Gaius about the sizable sugarcubes. Others, making up the bulk of the room, try the cake out, visibly shiver with how wildly sweet it is, and slow to a crawl with eating it. A few, like the Lon'qus and Gregors of the world, decline to so much as try it altogether.

The cake sort of absorbs everyone's attention in the room. Conversation dies down, and what little talk that does happen is dampened by the cake's overpowering presence. Gaius has created a sort of glucose-based eldritch entity, right here in our very home.

Which is why I'm all the more surprised when Gaius taps my shoulder to pull me away from the others.

"Hey Bear," he says, somewhat lacking his usual carefree demeanor.

"What's up?"

He looks around, then back at me when he's satisfied no one is really paying attention. "You got a minute?"

"Oh, sure," I reply a bit uncertainly. I raise a brow as he leads me away from the others and just outside the barracks door.

"Everything alright?" I ask when we're outside.

"You tell me. I haven't said anything because I was worried about sticking my head where it doesn't belong and messing everything up again, but I guess I won't get another chance for a long while. You're leaving."

"Yeah."

He gives me an expectant look.

"What?" I ask.

"Do I need to ask?"

"I guess you do."

His eyes narrow. "Why are you leaving?"

"Because there's someone I need to find and bring back here."

He frowns. "You and your damn American secrets. Is that really it?"

"Yeah. That's it," I reply simply.

He crosses his arms. "I don't buy it. Why now?"

"Because this is the first time that we haven't been at war or had some other important thing going on. It's been one thing to the next, all the time, until now. Now I actually have a chance to do this."

"Alright, can we skip the beating around the bush?" he asks exasperatedly. "This is about what happened at the wedding. At least in part."

My blood runs cold for a moment just bringing that night into the front of my mind.

He gestures at my face. "There. That face is all I needed. You're bailing to get away from things here."

I sigh, clearly no match for his detective skills. "Gee, how'd you guess?"

"Call it intuition. But do you think that will help? Just cutting and running?" he asks.

"Giving these things some space is usually a pretty alright idea in my experience, actually," I reply. "Some time away from everything gives everyone some perspective."

"You really think just being away from all this is going to make it go away?"

"Look, I think being around Cordelia is just… a little too weird right now, okay?" I say defensively.

"I could see that, sure. But surely keeping your distance from someone doesn't have to involve running all the way to the desert."

I hesitate before I answer. "She's not the only person I hurt."

He raises a brow. "You hurt? Last I heard, it was her putting the moves on you."

"I didn't stop her. There was a part of me that wanted it. And letting that happen hurt someone."

"Why do you think that hurt… someone?" he asks.

"Well… someone was pissed. And I told her that it wasn't her place to get angry about it. I basically told her that her feelings about it didn't matter. That wasn't what I wanted to say, but I know that's how it came across. So yeah."

"You know why she was so angry though, don't you?" A statement phrased as a question.

And I can't really deny the truth of it. "I think I do, yeah. She said it was because her best friend got hurt, but…"

"Well?" His expectant look returns.

"Well what?"

"How do you feel about it? About her?"

I bristle. "I don't have any right to feel any sort of way about her."

"Right? What do you mean, right? I'm not asking if you think you deserve her, I'm asking how you feel."

"How I feel doesn't matter if it's not going to happen. Or didn't you see what happened to Cordelia for not learning that lesson?" I retort.

"Why do you think it's not going to happen?"

"Because goddamnit Gaius, I hurt everyone I get close to!" I snap. "Everyone! From the beginning, I've caused so much pain to people I claim to care about. You wonder why I need to get away? I need to stop hurting everyone for once! I want to do something good, and I want to do it away from everyone."

I expected him to raise his voice to fire something back, but instead he just sighs. "Haven't you figured out how this works yet?"

"How what works?"

"Everyone hurts everyone they're close to. No exceptions. If you spend enough time with somebody, it's a certainty that you'll eventually do something to hurt them somehow. It's not a question of ill will or ignorance or incompetence; it's just a question of proximity. You're not perfect, nobody is."

"That may be, but boy howdy have I had some royal screwups, man," I reply. "I'm sure you've said some dumbass stuff that hurt Sumia's feelings before, but the harm that I've caused… it's on another level, Gaius."

He smirks, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. "Randy, you know what I do for a living, right? I wasn't always a noble thief for justice. I've done some things that would turn your stomach more than it seems my cake did. I've done some evil things. And I have to live with that. But you know what? Sumia knows about those things I did. I told her about them, expecting that to be the end of things. And it wasn't. You underestimate how forgiving people can be."

"It's not so much their forgiveness I'm worried about," I say.

"Well, getting your own forgiveness can be tricky, I admit. But is running from everything really going to help with that?" I open my mouth to reply, but he goes on before I get the chance. "And I know, you have another no doubt perfectly good reason for going to Pyrathi. I get that. And maybe you do need to go. But not like this. Not because you think you're doing Robin or Cordelia or anyone else a favor by leaving. If you need to go, you need to go. But you can't run away."

I sigh. "So what am I supposed to actually do differently?"

He shrugs. "Don't leave everything unsaid, I guess."

The door to the barracks opens, startling both of us. Lissa pokes her head outside.

"Here you two are! Are you guys okay? You've been gone a while," she says.

"Yeah, we're fine," I reply. "I think we were about to head back in." I glance at Gaius. He nods.

"Yep, we're about done here," Gaius says.

"Well good! Cuz we're about to have the birthday boy and girl open their presents!"

Gaius perks up. "Oh good! I've been wondering what kind of goodies they might get. Might have to see about doing a bit of 'shopping' myself," he says slyly.

"Don't even think of nicking anything," Lissa says firmly with a stern pout.

He laughs. "Just messing with ya, Princess."

The three of us head back inside. In the mess hall, there are a shitload of plates with slabs of cake that are only missing little corners gathered up on one of the tables. I see only two empty plates. If I had to guess, they belonged to Gaius and Nowi.

Gaius nudges me with an elbow as we enter. "Just as planned," he says, admiring the mostly untouched cake. I guess he plans to appropriate the leftovers later on. I'll have to remember to say a prayer for his GI tract. And his teeth.

Meanwhile, at the center table, Robin and Chrom each have large piles of gifts in various states of concealment in front of them. Some are in burlap sacks, some in expensive-looking wrapping paper, and others are just not wrapped at all. There's also an intimidating-looking unmarked black box in front of Robin. I don't really need to guess who that's from.

"Alright everyone!" Lissa shouts over the general chatter. "We're ready to start! Robin, ladies first. Open a gift, any gift!"

Robin smiles bashfully. "Okay." She picks up a rectangular package off the table, wrapped in plain brown paper. She carefully opens the wrapping, taking care not to tear it. Inside is a book, unsurprisingly. She examines the cover, then shows it off to us: It's a book bound in a rich forest green, and in white flowery letters the title reads The Apothecary's Complete Guide to Home Growing: From Food to Potioncraft.

Miriel clears her throat. "That, dear Robin, is a gift from Kellam and myself. I also happened to get a copy for myself, and we have been enjoying delving into its knowledge. I hope it serves you well."

Robin beams. "Thank you, Miriel! Thank you, Kellam!" She looks around briefly. "I can't quite see where you are right this moment, but it's appreciated!"

From somewhere in the room, we can just make out Kellam's voice. "I had the idea for something like this after you had that idea to make the crops grow faster with vulnerary. There are tons of ideas like that in this book, and I'm sure they might inspire you or Miriel to take them even further."

Robin basks in the kind words, smiling radiantly.

"Okay big brother, you're up!" Lissa shouts.

"Alright." Chrom takes a small package from the pile in front of him.

"Ooh, that one's from Lon'qu!" Lissa squeals excitedly.

Chrom smiles with a raised brow. "I didn't take you for the birthday gift type, Lon'qu."

"Ordinarily you'd be right," Lon'qu replies, monotone.

Lissa's expression takes on a smug edge. "It's possible a certain beautiful and captivating princess talked him into it. Now go on!"

"Okay, hold on," Chrom says, then opens the little wooden box. He pulls out its contents: a silver straight razor, folded into itself. He opens the razor to admire its shining blade.

"Men of Chon'sin are meticulous about their razors," Lon'qu explains. "The whetstone in that box should only be used for that razor. Always keep it sharp."

Chrom inclines his head gratefully at his sister's bodyguard. "I will. Thank you, Lon'qu."

He grunts. "Thank your sister. It was her idea."

"Oh no it wasn't. I just said get him something. The razor was your idea," Lissa says.

"In any case, thank you both," Chrom says.

And so the joint present unwrapping continues. Robin and Chrom take turns opening their presents one at a time. Robin's presents largely consist of books, curiosities, and weapons, while Chrom's are mostly clothing (Gaius ironically gave Chrom a long-sleeved shirt with its right sleeve cut off, but while everyone else laughed, Chrom appeared by all accounts to earnestly love it), training supplies, and also weapons.

Finally, there's only one present left. A rather bulky and sloppily wrapped pair of packages sitting in front of Robin, the smaller tied on top of the larger with some twine. My present to her.

Robin has been paying attention to who's been giving her what, so she can't help glancing at me before grabbing the smaller package. She hears the familiar sloshing as she holds the present and pauses.

I laugh. "Guess it's not the most subtle job of hiding what it is. But yeah. These both are from me."

She smiles to herself, carefully unwrapping the bottle in her hands. She takes a look at the bottle's label. Her eyes widen and she grins at me. "Plegian Sun Whiskey. The first drink we ever had together. I can't believe you were able to get some! I figured getting any liquor imports from Plegia would be next to impossible for a while."

"Don't ask me how it was done, but I saw a guy in the market the other day selling imported booze. I definitely paid enough for it, but for your birthday it was worth it," I say, returning her smile.

"And yet you got me this too!" she exclaims, gesturing to the larger package. "I don't have a clue what this is."

"Well go ahead then," Lissa instructs.

"Alright, here goes." Robin braces herself and lifts the package, only to nearly fall over backwards when it proves much lighter than she expected. Raising a curious brow, she opens the package.

Inside is a very large stuffed teddy bear. It's made of brown wool-based felt stuffed with pillow filler. Roughly the size of a human torso, but with a big doofy head with two buttons sewn on for eyes instead of a realistic one.

As Robin looks it over, I feel compelled to explain. "I know you're not the most restful sleeper, but from what I hear, you rest easier when you have something to hold onto. So I know it's kinda dumb and childish, but maybe it would help? The whiskey was the real gift, but I thought you might like this too."

"If she doesn't like it, I want it," Lissa declares. "That thing is so cute!"

"I want one too!" Nowi adds.

Robin gives the bear an experimental hug, its fuzzy arms draped over her shoulders. She smiles contentedly. "I love it."

Oh, thank God. It's always a bit of an iffy idea, giving an adult something that a kid would like. But I just had a feeling it was the right move.

"Lemme feel it, Robin!" Nowi shouts, muscling her way through the crowd to get in reach. Robin chuckles good-naturedly and holds the bear out so Nowi can pet its head.

A few others seize the chance to feel the bear. After all the more practical presents like books and weapons, I guess something like this is a welcome change of pace. I'm proud of myself for making a good call after all.

From there, the party starts to wind down some. There's talk among some of the gang about going out to get some drinks, but obviously I won't be joining them. Not only because I need to be ready to go tomorrow, but also because I haven't put enough time between myself and the last time I got entirely too drunk. No one really questions it when I indicate that I'm not going.

As the drinkers ready themselves to leave, I notice Robin sitting in front of her pile of presents. Might as well make myself useful. I walk over to her side.

"Need some help getting these upstairs?" I ask.

She smiles gratefully. "That would actually be great, thanks."

I start stacking books.

---

"Aaand that should be the last of them."

I finish piling up the heap of presents on Robin's bed, quite the impressive spread. She's gonna have trouble just finding a place for them all. The books will be easy enough to store, but some of these—especially the weapons—may prove more difficult to store.

"Thanks again for the help," Robin says.

"No problem." I glance at the massive bear sitting on her bed. "So hey, you don't have to pretend for my sake. Is the bear a dumb gift? Did you actually like it?"

"Are you kidding?" she asks incredulously, walking over and snatching it up in her arms. "I had to tone down my reaction so I wouldn't look like a little kid with it. It's perfect. It's not the kind of thing I could admit to wanting, but now that I have him, I'm never letting him go."

I chuckle. "Already a 'him,' huh? Gonna name him?"

She hums thoughtfully. "I'll have to mull that over some."

The conversation stops. I don't want it to. I can tell we're thinking the same thing. This will be the last time we speak alone before I leave. But the silence blankets the room thickly as soon as we let it in.

"We never did make sure that I would feel the hex if you die first," I say.

"No, we didn't." She sets down the bear on the bed again. "If you want, we can check that in the morning before you go," she says as she fiddles with her hair to let it down from its bun.

"We'll see." Obviously neither of us wants to die again, but we've put it off too long already. Both of us constantly looking for an excuse to leave it for later. Even after nineteen times, it hasn't gotten easier.

My noncommittal response has cut off the conversation again. I should just go.

Gaius's words echo in my head. Don't leave everything unsaid.

There's so much I want to say. Things I haven't even allowed myself to think. And now that I've started to think them, they cloud my mind at every turn.

Everything that's happened. Every hug, every glance, every blush, every awkward moment. They crowd for attention at the front of my head.

When I finally saw her again, after months with the Patriots. Pulling her into my arms, lifting her from the ground. The relief in that moment. I didn't want to let go. If Flavia hadn't showed up then to arrest me, to start that whole nightmare that was my trial experience… might that moment have ended differently?

It doesn't matter now. That's not how it happened. This is the reality I have. I'm leaving in the morning for Pyrathi. To find Laurent, and to get away from Cordelia. And from Robin.

"I should get to bed. Got a full day tomorrow," I say quietly.

"Right," Robin replies emotionlessly.

I start to head for the door. My fingers brush the doorknob. I pause.

I'm leaving so much unsaid. But there's nothing for it now.

"Good night, Robin."

As I open the door to leave, I hear quietly behind me, "Good night. And thanks again, Randy."

I nod in acknowledgment of her thanks, then close the door. When I'm alone in the hallway, I take a deep breath.

I wasn't ready for it to feel like this.

---

And just like that, he's gone.

Not gone, exactly. I'll see him in the morning. But only with Gregor and Anna and Lucina, and only as everyone is seeing them off. Too late to…

I pause in my thinking. What exactly was supposed to happen here? I told Chrom before that I wasn't going to tell Randy how I feel before he left. But here I am, disappointed with myself for not doing just that. I'm doing what I said I would do. Or not do, I suppose.

I sit down on my bedside and pull my new bear into my lap. I stare into his button eyes, as if they might have some answer for me. But they don't. He's just a stuffed bear. I decide to forgive him for his silence and hug him anyway.

I don't know what to do. I know what I want. I've known that for ages. But if I try to take it, I might lose it. Lose him. Isn't he still reeling from what Cordelia did at the wedding? Isn't that why he's leaving in the first place?

But if he was so eager to leave, why did he look like that when he was leaving? He seemed as reluctant to go as I was to let him. He lingered.

Was he hoping I would say something? Ask him to stay? Would he have stayed if I had asked?

I bury my face hopelessly in the bear's shoulder. This is just the day I came back from the border all over again. Leaving things alone because I'm afraid I might not like the change.

But even when I leave things alone, they change all the same. I learned that last time. Maybe if I had said something before, this mess with Cordelia and the wedding wouldn't have happened. Maybe he wouldn't be leaving in the first place. Or even if he was, he'd be leaving with a smile on his face. Not that pained look.

Leaving things alone made them worse. If I wait again now, I might never have another chance.

I set the bear down next to me. I need to find a pen.

---

What the hell is going on with me?

After going to all this trouble to get Anna to bring me and Lucina with her and Gregor, why am I balking now? This is exactly what I wanted. Isn't it?

I pace anxiously around my room. If this is what I wanted, why am I so on edge?

My thoughts point accusing fingers at me. You know why you're unhappy with this. Because Gaius was right. You're running away. And you're leaving so much unsaid.

But of course I am! I haven't allowed myself to so much as think it! All that effort that went to trying not to notice. Trying not to react. Keep it all buried deep where it can't hurt me and, more importantly, it can't hurt her.

But seeing her smile like that, when she first held that stuffed bear… I don't know. It was different. Seeing her that happy over something so silly and childlike. It was like I finally had a glimpse of who she might be outside of war and the army.

And I really liked what I saw. I want to see more of it. Even though I'm about to run away from it.

I run my fingers through my hair exasperatedly. I can't stand this feeling. As soon as my resolve started to crack, it took no time at all to lose it. Now I can't get her out of my head. Her smile. Her eyes. What it felt like to wake up next to her.

I growl nonspecifically in frustration. It doesn't help to think about this! You're leaving in the morning! You should be focusing on your plan to find and bring back Laurent. Something good you can actually do for this world. Not dropping all this on Robin right before you leave for months. Just bury it deep. Not forever, but at least until Ylisstol is a speck on the horizon.

For now, just go to bed. Probably won't sleep much, but it's better to try. I kick off my boots, then start to pull off my shirt when there's a knock at the door.

I groan. "Luci, I'm not in the mood right now," I say as I cross the room to open the door.

My heart leaps in my chest. "Robin," I say. "Sorry, I didn't know it was you."

Robin is standing stiffly, her fists balled at her sides. Her expression is hard-set, determined. "First, I want to say something. I don't want you to leave." I open my mouth to respond, but she goes on before I can say anything. "I know you have to. This Laurent boy needs help, and I agree you're in the best position to help him. I know you're leaving. But I want you to know that I still don't want you to go."

I swallow, then nod. My throat is dry. "Okay. I'm sorry," I say.

"I don't like being apart from you. I know that it's not good to be so dependent on anyone, even your best friend, but I can't help how I feel." She looks around and notices she's still in the hallway. "Do you think I can, you know–"

"Oh, yeah, come in," I stammer, making way for her to enter. I shut the door behind her.

"I know we need to learn to be apart sometimes. I hope the hex helps ease some of the worry that comes with that. But in the interest of honesty, I felt like you needed to be aware of how hard it is for me," she says.

"Trust me, I feel the same way," I say. "Jesus, if you'd seen me around the time you probably got to the border, you'd've thought I was dying. So don't worry, you're not alone on that one."

"It's not just because of the respawn anxiety, though," she says, quieter now.

"What do you mean?"

She takes a deep breath, her shoulders rising and falling dramatically. "There's something I want to give you before you go."

"Uh, okay," I say uncertainly.

She opens the door and ducks outside to grab something she left on the floor outside. After a moment, she returns with a rolled-up scroll. Hold on. I recognize that heart-shaped clasp.

I can't hold back a little laugh. "The shipping chart? You're giving it to me?"

She nods. "Yes. I've made some changes. And I've decided it's not just for my eyes anymore."

"Ooh, changes, huh~? I'm guessing you scratched out any prospects I might have had with Cordelia," I say, but she doesn't smile or really acknowledge the little joke.

"Just… see for yourself," she says. "I want you to see it before you go."

I'm starting to get nervous. Whatever this is, it's serious. I unlatch the heart clasp and unfurl the chart in my hands.

For the most part, it's what I remembered. More notes, lots of annotations and some entries scratched out. Libra's entire row has a line drawn through it. But then my eyes travel to the bottom of the chart.

She's added a row on the bottom. Hers. But instead of entries about how compatible she is with the rest of the Shepherds, she's written a series of notes in tiny, cramped script to fit it all.

I start reading.

Reasons you and Randy would be great together:

He's the only person that could hope to understand the burden of respawning, and he shares it with you. You help him carry this burden too.

He makes you laugh, and you make him laugh. Even if sometimes he pokes fun at you.

You like the same whiskey. When you get drunk he'll carry you to bed.

His hugs are warm and strong. There's nowhere in the world you feel safer than in his arms. You've learned that he's a hugger generally. Any time he wants one you would give it to him.

He's warm in general. You're cold a lot. Maybe he will let you steal some of his warmth.

You can make him blush sometimes. Seeing him flustered is quite possibly your favorite thing in the world.

You've sworn to protect him and there is no better place to do that than at his side. And you know he wants to protect you too.

He would die for you. You would die for him. And both of you have proven that many times over.

You want to be around him all the time. His company makes even boring paperwork bearable.

He knows you better than anyone. You trust him more than anyone. And you know he trusts you too. You want to learn so much more about him.

It's because of him that you don't feel like an outsider with the Shepherds. He gave you that push to really become friends with everyone.

He makes you feel like you're not just a tactician. Like you're more than numbers and strategies.

And then, crammed above the rest on a second line, one last note:

You feel most like yourself when you're with him.

My hands start to tremble as I read the notes, one by one. I know what she's saying, but my mind catches and starts and stops in the effort to process it. I feel my heart pound in my chest.

I look up again. Robin is somehow both pale and furiously blushing at once. She fidgets, staring in my eyes, waiting for me to say something.

The next few seconds, the unbroken eye contact, neither of us daring to breathe, feel like an eternity. I know what I want. My arms are screaming at me to let them pull her close. My lips long to press against hers. My heart threatens to leap from my chest just to be nearer to her. The moment I loosened the leash on my feelings even in my own head, they sensed my weakness and are now struggling to break free.

Still, the last shreds of doubt pull back against me. Images of everything I've done wrong, everyone I've hurt. I've hurt Robin too. I'm about to hurt her again when I leave. Is it right for someone like me to be in love when there's still so much I need to make right? When I'm about to leave for so long?

For a moment, I think about the visions of Mindy that haunted my sleep, punishing me for the crime of forgetting the real pain of her death. I think of my time in the Patriots, living in fear and guilt and uncertainty. How alone I felt. I think of how I felt when I learned Libra died. How guilty I still feel for allowing that to happen. That pain is far from behind me; I expect it will only get worse when I finally meet Noire. I've been letting these wounds fester all this time.

When I think about that, the happiness that's being offered to me seems almost impossible. Would it be alright? To let myself have this? To feel these things without guilt or reservation? For the first time, I almost wish I could talk to that dream-Mindy, if only to hear her say that it's okay. That I'm allowed to move on. That I wouldn't be betraying everyone I've hurt by letting myself love and be loved again.

But in truth, I don't need to speak to that Mindy. She was something I created to punish myself. The real Mindy would never have wanted that for me.

In my heart, I know that these doubts aren't her fault. Or Aventine's, or Vasto's, or Gangrel's, or anyone who's ever declared themselves my enemy. They aren't the fault of the friends I have hurt either. These doubts are mine alone. The one still punishing me is myself.

But I can't live in doubt anymore. I have to live in the truth.

And the truth is that I love Robin.

I set the chart down on the bed next to me. I take a step, closing the distance between us. Robin looks up at me. I lean down and gently cup her face in my hands.

Her eyes widen. For a short but eternal moment, a few inches separate us. The space is magnetic, pulling itself closed with all its strength. Robin's silver eyes gleam, the twin centers of my world. Then they close, inviting me forward.

We've waited long enough. I lean forward and close the distance, pressing our lips together. She stands still, stunned for a moment. But then her hands are around me, one on my back and one on my neck. I close my eyes, savoring the feeling of my heart soaring in triumph. I move my hands, one to the small of her back and the other to the nape of her neck. Her fine white hair spills softly over my fingers.

I can tell this is Robin's first kiss. Her actions are hesitant, quietly imploring me to take the lead. At the same time, her fingers close, grabbing fistfuls of my shirt. She moans, a happy hum that buzzes like electricity in my lips.

My arms wrap around her more tightly, pulling her closer. As I gently press forward, opening the kiss up, Robin gasps softly, surprised by this shift. The physical is rapidly catching up to the emotions of the moment.

I can't lose this chance to make myself heard. I pull away, allowing us both to breathe, but I don't slacken my hold on her. I'm not ready to let go.

We breathe heavily, a mix of effort and fierce desire. Her eyes open again, my shining stars in this dim, candlelit room.

"I love you," we pant at the same time. A second of realization passes through us like a javelin pinning us together. She smiles, and I can't help but chuckle.

Robin gently pulls my neck down closer. "One more time. Say it again."

I smile. My heart pounds a fevered, elated drumbeat. "I love you, Robin," I whisper. She squirms pleasurably in my arms.

She stands on tiptoes and pulls my head just a little further down to whisper in my ear. Her breath is hot and sends surging tingles up and down my spine. "Tell me why. You read my reasons. Well, some of them, anyway. I ran out of space.

I chuckle lightly. "Well, you stole a lot of the good ones."

I see her pout in my periphery. "You really don't have any others?"

"I might have a couple. Let's see…" I turn to face her again. "For starters, you're beautiful."

The shade of red on her face noticeably deepens. An adorable little smile fights through her efforts to keep it contained.

"I've never met a person so… how to put it… effortlessly beautiful. The times where I've seen you just after you wake up, when you're still in your jammies and your hair is a mess, you're still beautiful. When you get wasted and I have to help you to bed, and you're just a giggling fool, you're still beautiful. Hell, you're even beautiful when you cry. That's pretty rare, you know."

She fidgets around some more, clearly not prepared for the praise she tacitly asked for. Well too bad, now you've got me warmed up.

"I love how excited you get about things. Just little things that you like. When bear meat is on the menu. When you get a new book. When you're admiring the blade of your Levin sword when you think no one's watching. When you beat Virion in that proto-chess game of yours. I love seeing you be happy about stuff like that."

"You must have noticed that seeing you is one of those things that makes me happy," she replies with a grin.

I shrug. "I might have noticed. But then again, I'm used to that. Who doesn't perk up when I enter the room? I'm the life of the party, after all."

"And so humble, too!" she giggles.

"But yeah, I guess I did notice. Especially after I got back from the Patriots," I say.

"So you knew?"

"I didn't know for sure. But I had a feeling. Maybe more than a feeling, recently," I admit. "I just didn't say anything because… I don't know, I didn't feel like I deserve to be in love. I don't deserve this. I wanted to do at least one truly good thing in this world before I could even consider letting myself be in love."

The smile on her face fades, replaced by a more serious expression. "Panne told me about how strictly you've been suppressing your reactions to everything. That it's been an act. Was that what this was about?"

"Yeah, I guess. Trying not to let myself feel… anything, really, but especially this. Especially about you," I say.

"So this journey you're going on… getting all the kids… it was about me?"

"In part. It really is a good idea to get all these kids, regardless of my personal hangups. I arrived at the right answer for a partially selfish reason, I guess you could say."

Her brows arch with concern. "You didn't—don't—feel like you've done a single truly good thing since you came to this world?"

I wince. "When you say it like that, it feels so pessimistic."

"That's how you said it just now!"

"I just meant…" God, it feels so self-pitying to say it. "I just feel like I've done more harm than good to this world. I wanted to at least feel like I was starting to make that right."

To my surprise, instead of getting angry or frustrated, Robin just snatches me close and rests her head against my chest. "Dummy. You've done so much more good than you allow yourself to see. You've been so kind to everyone you meet. Even people who don't deserve it. You protect your friends, and you protect the innocent. You're a loyal friend, a loyal ally. You always know how to make people smile, even when you don't feel like smiling yourself." She looks up at me. "I love that about you."

She pulls me down for another kiss. This time she's more confident, more assertive in her movements. My heart turns a happy somersault in my chest as her arms wrap around my neck and shoulders, keeping me close.

After maybe a minute, she releases me, and we pull apart again. "You know, this was supposed to be my turn to talk you up," I remind her between heavy breaths.

"You needed it more right now," she replies with an understanding smile.

"No, you deserve to hear it. Robin, you have saved me more times than you know. Not just with respawning, although obviously that's a big one. But for so long now, you've been the person I can trust. That was true before I knew you had our power." A memory resurfaces in my mind. "Hah, remember that night after Breakneck? We had the night watch together with Lon'qu, and he didn't want to sit with us?"

"That night… I don't think I can forget that," she replies. "That was the first night where I felt really… understood. When you told me about how detached you felt from things, how scary it was to feel like you're not 'feeling' the weight of battle properly, it was as if my own thoughts were coming out of your mouth. I was so scared, in the beginning. I went onto a battlefield and I saw numbers. I saw weapons and skills and how they interacted. I was afraid that I wasn't seeing people. And to have someone else really understand that… you don't know how valuable that was for me. And then you told me that you trusted me. That you had faith I wasn't just… reducing you and the others to their battlefield values. Even though I was afraid that I was doing exactly that. You believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself."

She pulls me close again, resting her cheek on my chest. "If I had to pick a moment, any moment, when I first started to fall for you… I think maybe that was it."

"Wow," I say. "I sure kept you waiting a while, then."

"Well, it's not like you were going to scoop me up and kiss me right there. Especially since, now that I think about it, you were with Maribelle at the time…" she says, trailing off embarrassedly near the end.

I can't help but laugh a little. "Yeah, that tends to complicate matters. As for me… I don't know. I've been a mess for ages." I let go of Robin and go to sit on the bedside.

"What do you mean?" she asks, sitting by my side.

"I never really told you about Mindy. Well, not in the way I mean, anyway. When I first came to this world, remember how I trained at the Osprey villa for a while?" Robin nods against my chest. "There was this maid there. Melinda. I called her Mindy. Drove her nuts. But in the end, we liked each other. We kissed once. And then she died. Killed by Plegian invaders come to kidnap Maribelle."

"Gods…" Robin mutters.

"Yeah. Well, you can imagine, that messed me up pretty good. So much so that my own mind wouldn't let me face up to it, and I blocked those memories from my own head for months. Not that the attack happened, mind you. But that I had loved Mindy. It wasn't until I was taken back to the villa by Vasto that those memories returned and I could finally start to deal with them. And from then on, I've always been sort of… I don't know, scared?"

"Scared?"

"Scared of feeling that way about someone again. Scared of being that close. Getting that hurt again. It's taken time for that fear to start to fade. I still don't think I'm rid of it, honestly."

Robin is quiet for a moment. She reaches over and takes my hand, interlacing her thin fingers with mine. "I understand."

"But I can't let my fear paralyze me forever," I say. "Mindy, Libra, everyone who's died… I don't think any of them would want me living in guilt and fear anymore. I have to try to live for them, too. And that means I have to let myself be happy."

"And being with me… makes you happy?" she half-asks.

"Yeah, it does. More than anything. I know I've kind of killed the moment here with all my talk of tragedies and guilt and stuff, but believe me: I'm happier now than I've been… pretty much ever," I say, a little awkwardly. It was important that Robin know this stuff, but laying it all out like that all at once was probably more than a bit tactless. "Uh… sorry about, you know, dumping all this on you," I stammer.

Robin smiles. "Don't be. I feel like I'm really seeing you, all of you, for the first time. Nothing hidden for my sake, or anyone else's. Just you."

"And? Now that you've seen the full inventory, still feel like you're getting a good deal?" I ask.

She snuggles up against me. "The best."

A glowing warmth fills my chest. I feel lighter. Lighter than I've felt since… I'm not sure. Maybe since I came to this world at all. Since I died for the first time, confused and disoriented. In this moment, everything I've been through to get to this point, all that pain and guilt, it all fades to nothing. I feel more whole, more forgiven, more seen, more loved than I ever have.

I'm happy. Really, truly happy.

Suddenly, Robin sits up again. "Randy, are you alright?"

"Huh?"

"You look like you're going to start crying," she says cautiously.

"I do?" I guess my throat is pretty tight right now.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah, I am. I'm just… really happy, I guess," I reply.

"You…" Robin laughs with relief. "You dork. You had me worried!"

I'm laughing too. "Jesus, I'm a mess today."

"Well, no crying," Robin mock-scolds, pulling me in close again. "You're gonna make me cry too."

"Sorry about that," I reply, laughing. I turn so I can hug her back properly. "So how was your first birthday since your rebirth?"

She smiles contentedly. "Couldn't have asked for better."

---

A/N: So much for the Valentine's Day Special actually coming out on Valentine's Day like I intended. Unfortunately, I came down with a tragic case of Monster Hunter addiction early last month, followed not long after by my current, equally tragic addiction to Elden Ring. Also, you know, law school and bar applications and stuff. But I got it out! Hopefully it still hits in the spirit of V-Day despite the timing.

Writing this chapter was weird. I've been waiting to write this for literal years, but when it came time to actually do it, I had a rather rough time. It felt like nothing could justify the leviathan buildup I've been giving this thing. Hopefully I proved myself wrong here, but you're the judges of that.

This time I have several people to thank for this chapter. In particular, I want to thank Kirby and Burd from the Discord. Thanks to their input, I believe the last scene and its leadup are much better than they otherwise would have been. And as always, Mixed Valence also has my thanks for being ever-consistent quality control. And here is your Mixed Valence out-of-context quote of the week: "It's like a gym booster. I run faster when I'm on coke." "Oh my god, you can't do that every time." (Nodding) "Every time."

And some review responses:

Warlord of Chaos: I definitely feel you there on the subject of loving both Morgans. I like that they didn't just make them carbon copies of each other, but rather gave them some key differences. F!Morg is more airheaded but also a little more devious, where M!Morg is more soft-spoken and more earnest. I have very deep affection for both of them. I'm glad you're enjoying!

Ascandas: I'm afraid "real plot" had to take a bit of a backseat this time around. We had a rather important matter to take care of first, as you have seen by now. But yes, I agree that drawing out a love triangle would have been agony at this point.

Remvis: Oh yeah, I don't blame anyone for being upset with what I wrote for the post-wedding. It was written with the knowledge it would be provocative. As for your concerns about when kids were supposed to be born, we don't have to worry about that for a while, seeing as Lucina—the oldest of the bunch—won't be born for like 2 years yet.

Steelrain66: Then again, distance relationships are overrated. As you have seen by now, there's plenty of fondness to go around already.

Grammy-saltiest-birdlover: Hopefully the implementation of the hex here was a satisfying conclusion to that buildup at the end of the last chapter! Glad you at least enjoyed the laying out of the hexing system's rules.

IHev9Sun: As you can see, I happen to agree about that OTP ;) As for the rules, so far they haven't even attempted to tell anyone about it. I think there's an implicit understanding that the more people know about the power, the more dangerous it becomes. If an enemy manages to learn the rules of respawning, they could definitely use them against our heroes. It's safer with as few people as possible knowing. Regarding Re:Zero, while react fics aren't my general thing as a writer, that would be pretty funny. Long live orphan collection!

G119: Thank you for your kind words!

Call Brig On Over: I like how you characterized that: adults acting like adults. I'm pleased that that's how it came across. Stringing things along unnecessarily with a drawn-out triangle arc was beyond out of the question at this point, so I wanted a swift and decisive cutoff of that possibility. I look forward to your thoughts on both the hex and how things played out at the end of this chapter!

MegaButler: You were quite close! Strong but survivable pain has more utility than immediate death, as will be explained down the line some. I love speculation like this!

cordo12: I'm glad that Cordelia didn't come across as a 100% villain in this scenario to you. She wasn't intended to be. Definitely misguided, and definitely in the wrong, but not without reason. She's still got a lot of work to do yet for her happy ending, I'm afraid.

TheSagMaster: I'm honored to be the writer of a story that warrants your first public feedback! I really appreciate your kind words. Hopefully this chapter has served to further mend the aforementioned emotional stabbing. And you were quite close regarding the effects of the hex, which is impressive given that you thought of it that long ago!

Random Reader Guy: I do love me some angst, but in controlled doses. And talk about a shift, lol

Morrowing: Yeah, I think that for Cordelia to have a real relationship with anyone, she needs to confront and get over her Chrom fixation. The game itself doesn't really do that much justice, but in real life I would never be able to stand something like that, and I don't know many who could. And good Lord, you have no idea how long I've wanted to write the child units. They're some of my favorite characters in the game for sure. I'm pumped to get to start including them. Thanks for the vote of confidence!
On the subject of improvement over time, I couldn't agree more. But to me that's part of the fun of fanfiction. You get to see an author develop in real time. That's why, even though a lot of stuff in the early chapters makes me cringe now, I won't change them. They're a marker of how much I've grown since then as a writer.

NinjaGogeta: Very perceptive of you! A suicide hex would essentially mean Tharja is on call not only to protect Robin like she normally would, but also Randall. Definitely too much trouble for her, even for her precious student haha. And long live the avoidance of a misunderstanding shuffle!

cj1of4: You were close, as you've no doubt seen by now. The reason for their particular choice in hex will be further elaborated down the line.

jaclea: An interesting thought! If we were going for the Fates tie-ins, we already missed one chance in the form of the Before Awakening DLC. I would have to play through the rest of the Fates DLCs before I could speak from an informed perspective about the Awakening trio, though. I was too much of a cheapskate to buy a lot of them lol

RedNephilim: You were pretty much spot on with that hex prediction. Not a very pleasant alarm, but an alarm nonetheless. And believe me, I'm definitely looking forward to the Child Collection Arc. I love the second gen dearly.

Hello I am Username: Contrivance? How dare you! J'accuse! It can't be helped though. If it feels contrived to you, then it does. As for whether R&R will make any progress before the timeskip ends, I think you have your answer already.
Yeah, Robin is a little scary. But considering she was literally bred to be a Grima vessel, I always felt like it's natural that that would include some aggressive tendencies. And it's beyond doubt that she's a hell of a fighter. I agree that it was important that Randall take responsibility for his role in what went down. These situations are almost always complicated, and trying to assign blame to any one person is usually the wrong choice.
As to the reveal of their relationship, I think you'll agree that concern is not so much a thing any longer.
I'm definitely looking forward to dealing with the Gregor/Anna/Cherche/Gerome conflict further down the line. The Noire conflict has a pretty clear conclusion, but the ongoing relationships of still-living people leave much more room for volatility. I am going to love exploring that for sure.
Praise the baby collecting arc!

Henia: Interesting points, but I think we disagree on what "fanfiction" necessarily is. It is not limited to that which could reasonably happen in that universe. People write fics all the time that involve a fundamental shift that wouldn't be possible in canon, whether that be a self-insert being added, the introduction of characters from other universes in a crossover situation, or any number of other things. As for whether shifting the role of the protagonist invalidates a story as being properly "fanfiction," what of fics that explore a situation where the main character dies and the side characters have to step up? Surely those are fanfiction as well. In any case, thank you for reading!

DD360: You really did create a monster. But in the end it was the pressure of leaving that finally broke the dam. Hope you enjoyed!

Caellach Tiger Eye: Figured I should save this for last as it will no doubt be lengthiest. Yeah, looking back, I would have probably at least been better advised to clear up that it wasn't a "fade-to-black" in the biblical sense. Oh well, lesson learned.
Randall coming to terms with the fact that despite his powers, he's not immune to mistakes and has done a lot of bad stuff has kind of become the core arc of his. Having the parallel of his older self and how much Lucina has idolized the guy has solidified in his head that he is, weirdly enough, not worthy of his own name. The timeskip is going to in part be the place where that is thoroughly addressed. Which is nice, because having a plan for the timeskip is something every Awakening author struggles with I feel like.
I actually do have some answers there. All of my pairings were decided out the gate. I have a lot of strong opinions about who works best together in the Awakening universe, and while I bent here and there to accommodate 1) Randall's existence and 2) F!Robin existing instead of M!Robin, overall I pretty much just went with the pairings that I like best. As for the Patriots, they weren't a thing from like, day one day one, but it didn't take long to think of it. The first few chapters were pretty much written on a whim, which is why they kiiinda suck.
I reeeeally liked writing that whole argument between Robin and Randall. It seems to hit on so many of the aspects of their personality that will still be difficult to navigate even after, as you saw in this chapter, they're now together. I'm glad it came across the way I intended: neither of them are wrong, but it's hard for them both to be right. The business of forgiveness and healing is complicated, and often it has to move at an individual pace. But that makes it hard when the actions of one person affect others, and it can spiral out of control easily. It's not all sunshine and rainbows ahead for Team R&R!
As for what I have in mind for the road trip arc, I am really looking forward to getting to dive into some long-neglected matters. Getting to finally write the child units is going to be a blast, I'm sure of it. As for Tharja, I'm inclined to agree actually; she's far from my favorite character. But there are some undeniably interesting depths to plumb with her, so it's still fun to do my best in that regard.
Thanks as always for your thorough feedback! Always enjoy hearing what you think.

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As always, comments and critiques are welcome. See you next time!