Is she pregnant or is she not? Lots of you have baby fever. Oh my!

We'll figure it out

Anastasia

Exactly five years and nine, well, eight months ago… I was standing in a mom and pop shop/pharmacy scanning various pregnancy tests. Today, I find myself in a similar situation and it doesn't feel any better. A quick glance around this place and I'm relieved to know that my interaction with the cashier won't be a snarky one from when I did this exercise the first time around. Sal, the owner's little brother who was judgmental as shit told me to make better choices in life. I scurried away after paying my bill. If he were in front of me now, I'd have slapped him and taken a bunch of peanut m&m's without paying because I'm a bad bitch in a bad mood.

I do not want to be pregnant.

I have five options in front of me. Last time, I picked two. This time, I'll pick three. Actually, no, I will pick four. Fuck it, I'm picking all five. They all have two each, From well known brands to the pharmacy's own. Everyone gets a turn on the Steele merry-pee-round.

In theory, I could have waited until my appointment tomorrow but I know myself. I will rip my apartment to shreds in nervous anticipation of the worst so I might as well just get this over with and if I'm pregnant then I'll just… I don't even know. Not to mention, Christian would've asked why I was visiting my gynecologist since Sawyer and Smith are ALWAYS around me. I know they be spying.

I sigh.

Christian's possible reaction to this isn't something I've fully considered because I can barely manage my own. Technically, I could cancel lunch and make an excuse but I know him and he will show up at my apartment and push in to know what is really going on. And if by some chance he doesn't do that, he'll show up tonight and I won't be able to lie because it's just too much work and I'm already barely holding on to the things that I cannot tell him. God, keeping people you love out of jail is so much fucking work.

Thankfully, Smith is by the entrance which is a healthy distance from me so I'm fairly hidden. By just going over to his office, I'm going to tell Christian and then beg him to not say a word till we know and maybe, just maybe I can exercise some level of control.

Hey honey, I brought myself and a possible baby growing in my belly for lunch. You're welcome.

I have an uneventful transaction with the cashier and shove the items like contraband into the depths of my bag. A short while later, I'm in the elevator being escorted to Christian's floor, dreading every moment and floor we pass on our way up.

Please, please. I don't want to be pregnant.

Sawyer informs me that we're at our destination and it's then I realize, I've been lost in my own world that I didn't even notice he's been holding the elevator doors open. I thank him and walk out to be greeted by Andrea who smiles and tells me to head on through. Olivia's scowling in the background but it doesn't affect me. I've got bigger things to worry about.

I didn't realize how heavy this damn door would be but with some effort it pushes open and I walk in to see Christian leaning over his desk sans jacket and tie a bit loose, shaking his head over some documents while he's on a conference call. I recognize Elliot's voice too and Christian looks up to give me a broad smile, signaling me to come to him. I politely decline and tell him to carry on with his call. This gives me some time to figure out how I want to tell him.

He doesn't stay on his call for a minute longer and barks out an order for them to figure it out.

His CEO voice is a bit scary, I have to admit. Hopefully that voice won't make an appearance right now. I'm hoping for some shock and awe with a heavy dose of silence till we know the absolute results and then, he can wear a condom forever and ever and ever. Because I am not going through this again.

Either he suits up or we abstain.

"Sorry, baby," he says, walking towards me, "we're in the process of trying to rezone this piece of property I bought in the city and the planning board is playing hardball with us." He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close to kiss me soundly, trying to pick up from where we left off this morning.

I place my hands on his shoulders and try to speak through his insistent kisses, "Christian, I… I can't. I'm…"

"What's wrong?" he asks, voice laced and features etched with concern.

"I," I look up at him and my throat closes up. I'm so fucking scared all of a sudden.

Distance. Yes, that will work.

I take a few steps back and exhale, "um, I–I… I got a call from my doctor this morning and…" Fuck this! Reaching into my bag I pull out a pregnancy test. "The company that produces the shot, the batch I was administered from apparently went bad and––well, I have to do this to know because I've been feeling some symptoms and…" I shake my head and walk over to a chair to take the rest of the tests out and head off to his private bathroom. I hear his footsteps behind me. He hasn't said a word and I thank God for that.

"What are you doing?" I ask when it appears that he wants to walk into the bathroom with me.

"I'm–well… shouldn't I––" he gestures to the tests in my hand.

Oh hell no, soldier. Pee time is private time.

"Not while I'm peeing! Wait outside!" I snap, and lock the door to begin ripping open the pregnancy tests. Time to get down to business.

Except, I can't seem to.

Of course the time when I absolutely need to pee, I can't because my nerves are cramping throughout my entire body.

Frustrated, I whip open the door to Christian standing there but I do not make eye contact.

"I need some water, I can't… you know," I wave my arms around to explain my performance anxiety. He nods silently and retrieves a bottle for me which I impressively down in two big gulps and go back into the bathroom.

Nothing happens for a few minutes so I meditate and try to send signals to my bladder to get this show on the road. I jump around a few times and even that doesn't work. Fuck it, I decide to just park my ass on the pot and silently wait.

Sure enough, gravity does her thing.

Thank you!

One by one, I pee on the five different sticks and yell for Christian to set a timer for 3 minutes. When I'm done, I flush the toilet, line the tests on the vanity and wash my hands, opening the door to let him in while I lean on the wall across the vanity waiting as patiently as I can.

"We can check the result once the timer goes off," I mumble and exhale the breath I've been holding for the past few minutes.

"Ana––" he says and I stop him.

"Please don't." I beg him. "I just want silence for now. Please. We can talk later but for now…" I slowly shake my head and close my eyes. I don't want to say or hear or feel anything

When I did this the first time, I was scared out of my mind. José was freaking out for the entire three minutes and when it was confirmed that I was pregnant, he went ballistic. We were, I was so careful. I took my pill on time. He always wore a condom. He couldn't understand how it happened but it did. Carla had gotten pregnant with me at 19, I didn't want to follow in her footsteps, yet I did. A whole year earlier this time around. I really should have abstained.

"WHAT THE FUCK, ANA?" He screams.

"I don't know, José… please stop yelling."

"We can't deal with this. My life is already ruined and–we are not… we can't be having a child. This is, no… just no. I can't do this."

"We'll figure it out. We've got your family and my Dad… it'll be okay. Just, take a second to think. Please."

"My whole life just got fucking railroaded a few months ago and now this? No. I can't. Fuck this!"

He stormed off and didn't show up till the following afternoon. When I asked him where he had been, he told me he slept at a friend's place. I'm guessing Gaia comforted him while he was staying at the friend's place because she was also conveniently absent.

I kept wracking my brain over where I had possibly made a mistake. Things had been really tense between all of us financially, so I was working a lot and trying to keep up with school and I may have forgotten to take a pill or maybe the condom ripped and we didn't notice. Sex wasn't at all frequent between us so who really knows. And now pregnancy was my new reality. When he came back, he told me to get rid of it but not before asking me if I was cheating.

I spent the entire night and most of the following day alone, crying and had to face that.

I shouldn't have been so easy to forgive him for those insults but I did. I was so stupid. Young and naive. I kept telling him we didn't have to get married but he was so insistent. So sweet and nurturing, wanting to take care of me and our baby. I fell for it. Only for him to change in a matter of a few weeks all over again. Growing more and more distant.

The timer goes off and I startle. Showtime. I pray and I pray, as hard as I can in the few steps that I take to see the results. My heartbeat echoes in my ears and vibrates through my skin.

I don't recognize the sound I let out but it's loud as I turn to Christian and wrap my arms around him, laughing, crying, howling.

Relief, sweet relief.

Negative

Negative

Negative

Negative

Negative

I step out of his embrace and walk out of the bathroom for some more air.

"OH MY GOD!" I take a deep breath and begin to laugh, wiping my tears.

"Ana, it's negative." I hear Chrisitan say behind me.

"I KNOW!" I begin to really laugh now but it turns into sobs almost immediately, as I furiously begin to wipe my tears only for laughter to hit me again when I turn around and see Christian holding one of the tests. "Thank god, I mean… holy shit. Or holy bad word, in this case." I giggle to myself. Sloffee would be so mad at me if she were here.

I take another deep breath and calm myself but my mind races again.

"Oh my god… oh god oh god oh god." I shake my head, "I mean can you imagine? It would have been the height of irresponsibility if I had gotten pregnant."

"Height of irresponsibility…" he repeats.

And I'm not sure if it's a question or not but I find myself replying almost immediately.

"Well, yeah, I mean–"

"If it was such height of responsibility then maybe you should've been so desperate for a fuck in the first place." He says icily.

Time stops.

The air is sucked out of my lungs and the room and all that's left is a violent chill.

I'm stunned into silence. Such loud and deafening silence. It pierces through my ears.

It's like I'm seeing him for the first time. Eyes so clear gray and cold. His body is rigid and so tall. I feel… so incredibly small and alone all of a sudden.

His words are like a hard slap to the face, the kind that makes you spin into a 180. The kind where the heat from the assault leaves you shivering cold. My skin is just that right now––complete ice but inside me, I feel the burning and all-consuming heat of heartbreak.

But things start to fall into place. His words are crystal clear. In a span of eight days, twice, I've been reduced to nothing but the image of the woman who birthed me. I'll never escape it no matter how hard I try.

It's not like I don't have anything to say back to this man. I could. I have my fighting words ready but, I know I'll burn whatever little is left if I do. And I don't want that on my conscience. I already harbor enough guilt for things that I never actively did but still suffer the consequences for.

If this man has decided that this is my worth then why the hell should I waste anymore of my time.

Leave now, Ana. Before he completely decimates you.

So I find my bearings and muster enough strength to grab my bag and walk out of his office without a word. The elevator arrives and since my mind is numb, my body gratefully takes over, knowing the way. I walk. The sun is bright and I walk. I hear Smith's confused voice in the distance calling my name but I don't respond. I can't. I just walk.

I do what I'm supposed to do for the rest of the day. I'm in my body but not really. I don't cry at all. I feel absolutely nothing. My body communicates for me, I tell Sloane things that make sense––why we're not being driven home despite Smith and Sawyer waiting patiently to pick us up, why Christian isn't joining us for dinner, so many questions yet they were all answered––to a part of me this exercise seems odd. As if, I don't understand how I can be saying those things at all while being in shock.

But I don't cry at all. I don't laugh much either.

Perhaps, it's been decided between the natural elements within me that I won't cry.

I end up on the floor of my bathroom after the entire day is done and I still don't cry.

I feel my stomach cramp and take a deep breath, discarding my clothes to check what I know to be true.

The shot failed.

I am not pregnant.

I'm bleeding.

I still don't cry.

A/N: So... that happened. Thoughts? Why do you think Christian reacted the way he did? What are you thoughts about how Ana handled everything? Let it rip.

A lot of reviewers have expressed disappointment in Ana's reluctance to tell Christian about José's blackmail (which has been sort of explained a few times but a more clear cut, in depth explanation is coming soon–especially when Christian finds out!) and some have mentioned the pace of the story as well. I know, it's slow... things will eventually make sense but as is the case with any parent raising a child, lots of things happen in between and this is Sloane/Sloth's story as much as it is Ana and Christian's. I am doing this the way it makes sense to me :).