A lot you claim to hate angst but then also only review when I do post angsty stuff, methinks you love the crazy drama more than the Sloth fluff. Either way, thank you for making laugh because some of the stuff I read was pure gold.

You're killing me, Ape

Christian

Pregnant.

I see the test in her hand. She could be pregnant. My brain is short circuiting and I'm doing my best to find words.

She could be pregnant. With my child. Growing inside her.

We could be a family. Hope swells in my chest.

Fuck, she could be pregnant. Screw could be, she better be.

These are going to be the longest three minutes of my life. I think back to this morning and the last few weeks. Last night she was a bit sensitive but I didn't think too much about it. But some of the stuff is making sense. Does she have morning sickness? I don't think I saw anything that resembled it. Fuck, I should ask her that.

I call out to her but she's distracted and tells me she wants to just get through the waiting period.

I think about watching her body grow, wondering what her crazy cravings might be, she did tell me she used to crave fries at odd times in the night during her pregnancy with Sloane. I haven't seen many pictures of her pregnant but whatever little I have, she looked adorable. A baby would be good, we'd be a family. And I'm sure Sloane would be an amazing older sister. I don't know if I could handle our baby turning out to be another Sloane though. Then it'll be three against one and I might not survive against them at all.

When the timer goes off, I want to run to see the result but instead I match her pace and watch her look at all the tests. I see her expression change but she lets out a half cry, half laugh of sorts, clinging to me for dear life.

She's pregnant?

I can't explain what goes through my body but it's a mixture of love, fear and pure joy at the prospect. However, she suddenly leaves me and rushes out and I hear her start to laugh. Confusion sets in and I walk closer to see the tests and pick up one of the boxes to see what it means.

It's negative.

And my heart falls into my stomach. She misread it? Right?

I inform her that it's negative and she indicates that she knows then starts to laugh again.

So, she doesn't want to be pregnant?

She's happy to not be pregnant?

With my child?

And then I hear something that rips the ground from beneath my feet.

Irresponsibility.

Irresponsibility.

I repeat her words in utter disbelief.

Heh, having my child is irresponsible? Does that mean loving me is irresponsible? This whole relationship irresponsible?

I can't bear to hear her say anything more on the subject so I cut her off with all the venom growing inside of me. Take your relief and happiness elsewhere.

If she wants to be happy about not having our child then she'll be alone in that because I am not joining in.

She doesn't want to be pregnant with my child then fine. She can have it her way. I'm done.

She stares at me, dumbfounded at my reaction no doubt. I think I see remorse but I don't fucking care for it right now. She can try and duke it out with me but she won't win. I won't let her win.

And so I wait for it. I am ready.

I wait for the fury she always has when she's met with resistance. But it doesn't come. She blinks several times and I see the shutters visibly come down. She slowly walks over to the chair and picks up her bag and walks out quietly.

Silence. A room full of glaring daylight and a whole lot of emptiness.

It's like she was never here.

But my anger doesn't dissipate. I falter at her exit for a second, not understanding why she didn't react but I quickly recover and my anger rages on. I pick up the nearest thing on my desk and throw it against the window.

After everything I've done. I've proved myself over and over again. After last night.

How could she not want a life and family with me? We're so good together.

Apparently not.

No matter what I do it'll never be good enough.

Fuck this, I'm done.

I barely slept last night and I can foresee that I won't get any tonight either. For the first time in a long time, I had nightmares. Clanking around on the piano didn't really do much. So I made myself some chocolate milk and it wasn't the same without some Sloth sized sass talking my ear off or handing my ass to me.

Friday night is usually movie night at Ana's place and I wonder what they're doing. I shouldn't but I do. I wonder what she has told Sloane about… whatever this between us is right now.

Ana refuses security and to be driven around. I know she's doing this to bait me into contacting her but I'm not giving in. I lie, I want to spank her to not be so fucking stubborn and accept these reinforcements but for that I will have to see her and touch her… and I'm a mortal man who really wants to touch her.

Then I remember, she doesn't want a life with me and I'm back to where I need to be.

I can't bear the thought of her with anyone else.

I'm so fucking pissed. My teeth are going to grind into dust at this rate.

My phone rings and I see who it is.

"What do you want, Elliot?"

"Ooooh, bitchy bitchy."

"Get to the point."

"Fine. God, what crawled up your ass? You should go for a enema, it'll unblock all that constipated energy."

"I'm hanging up," I mutter.

"Alright, I'll stop." He sighs with a chuckle, "what time are we meeting at the dock? You said, Ana and Sloth have something in the morning."

Fuck. The trip to Whidbey Island to meet Grandfather. I completely forgot. Theodore Trevelyan is going to have my head on a stick the next time he sees me.

"It's canceled. I've got work."

"Can you repeat that because I'm pretty sure you said you're canceling on Grandpa who will have all our asses on a platter to be used for sharkbait."

"Elliot, I know… but I'm busy. We're trying to close this deal." I lie. Because that's what I am, a fucking liar now.

This is Ana's fault.

"Fuck that. You remember what Mom made us promise her? After grandma died? Do not make me repeat it."

"I know, I know… I'll call him."

"It's your funeral. Whatever, I'm still taking the boat out with Kate to see him. Work isn't everything you know… I'm surprised Ana and Sloth are buying that lame ass excuse."

"Don't fuck up my boat or do anything else," I warn, not answering his comment about Ana and Sloane.

"Ima do everything," he snickers. "It's gonna smell like me…"

Gross.

I'm going to have to have the entire vessel dismantled, disinfected and put back together.

Sleeping with Ana means I always wake up late in the morning. And by late, I mean, 7am. When I'm usually up by 5am since I didn't really sleep that much anyway.

These past three mornings, I've been running like I'm running from everything. Taylor hates me, I can tell but he keeps up. I've kept myself busy between the office, gym, office and gym again. Anytime I feel the irritable or horny energy start to build up, I run it out on the treadmill or the city pavements. Taking it out on anything that will let me.

I've been letting myself go, that's for sure. Being on the Sloth and Badger diet isn't exactly great for my form so I have to put in double the effort to maintain and make up for what I miss when I spend nights there.

It'd be so easy if she would just move in here. She's never here enough to see how much I want her in this space.

But this is what she wants. Boundaries.

She can be happy with her boundaries.

I go through the pictures on my phone from Sloane's birthday. There's one where Ana's resting her face on my chest, with her arms wrapped around my waist and I'm kissing her hair.

Her eyes are shining blue and her cheeks are flushed with happiness.

I want that night again. I want that Ana again. The one who kept stealing kisses and making us laugh with her silliness.

"You're killing me, Ape." she giggles and whispers, wiping her eyes from leaving Sloane to carry on with Greta.

"You like it," I smirk.

"I love it," she smiles against my lips, "and I love you."

Shaking my head, I swipe left and watch a video of Sloane crying as she holds Greta.

I laugh and realize how fucking dull life feels right now.

I could call Elliot but he's probably with Kavanagh. And he'll sniff out that something's not right. Mia would probably figure out something's wrong the moment I call her so that's a bust.

Calling mom or dad is… I really don't want a fucking lecture right now. Besides, she'll demand that I show up to family dinner tonight and I've already made a narrow escape of that under the guise of work. It's been a while since I used it and I think my relationship with Ana has built up enough credit for me to get out of this ritual for a few nights.

I look towards my liquor cabinet, my friend Johnnie Walker is a better listener anyway.

My phone rings and I jolt forward in stupid anticipation that it's maybe Ana. It's not, it's Smith which means it's Ana related, which has been the constant since Thursday afternoon. He reports on everything. I'm surprised she hasn't murdered him yet for the number of times he's approached her to get in the car.

His comment from Friday night about being sure that Ana will kill him very soon because of his constant security reminders makes me laugh.

"Sir. Both Miss Steele's and Mr. Rodriguez just exited her apartment. They're on foot, northbound."

Dread runs through my veins with anger hot on it's heels.

"Does she look happy?" I ask.

He's confused by my question I can tell because he stammers at first, "uh, well… they do appear to be smiling and young Miss Steele is holding Mr. Rodriguez' hand."

Of course, they're the real family. I walk over to the windows and look down at the street, imagining that I can somehow spot them from this great height even though Ana's apartment complex is East of Escala and I am right now looking westward. The brain can be funny sometimes.

"And Ana?" Why the fuck am I doing this to myself? I brace for the answer.

"She is engaging with them," he says quietly.

Which means she's also smiling and laughing.

All that he has done is all that she knows. She'll never see any different.

We could have been a family but she doesn't want that because that would be the height of irresponsibility.

Maybe it would have.

Perhaps it is better this way because no matter what I do she'll keep me at arms length.

And it's time that I step away out of reach completely.

A/N: Well, I guess we know Christian's thoughts on the matter now. He's outta here. Bye Ana, see ya never!