AN: Mentions and descriptions of self-harm and a panic attack. Please remember that you are valuable. You are loved!
A real strategy that is mentioned in this chapter! This is when you're helping someone who is having a difficult time and giving them the option of A: talking about it, B: being distracted, or C: having alone time. It can be too overwhelming to talk about whatever 'it' is or be too isolating to be alone and it is hard to verbalize what you need. This is a strategy I have used when helping others and that a friend has used for me and I really appreciate it.
The timeline is also not canon so please excuse any timeline error:)
Please review and enjoy:)
The rest of the week went by in a flash and very quickly it was Monday. Harry had DADA today and was honestly not looking forward to it. Dumbledore introduced the new professor last night. While not as evil as Umbitch, this new professor seemed just as ineffective. The professor's name was Professor Schoutz and seemed almost as timid as Quirrell (but at least they knew there was no evil wizard on the back of his head).
Hermione had tried to convince Harry to teach students defense after the first week of classes with the new professor, but he wasn't sure about it. Harry told Hermione he'd sleep on it and get back to her before Monday. However, sleep was not in the cards for Harry.
On Friday night, Harry jolted awake and saw his godparents on either side of him.
"Harry, Harry what happened?" Remus asked, concerned.
"G-Get Dumbledore," Harry said breathlessly.
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look, "Harry, it was just a nightmare." Remus said, a bit uncertain.
"Mr. Weasley. Attack. Snake. Voldemort." Harry choked out.
Remus and Sirius looked at each other confused.
"I'll get him!" Harry said, trying to stand up. Unfortunately, Harry took two steps out of bed and wobbled. Luckily, Sirius caught him and put him back in bed.
"I'll get him, Pup, stay here," Sirius said, eyeing his godson worriedly.
"Hurry!" Harry anxiously said.
"Harry, what happened?" Remus asked, reaching out to put his hand through Harry's hair.
"Mr. Weasley is being attacked. By a snake. I think it's Nagini. He's really hurt." Harry said, scooting away and pulling his legs up to his chest.
"Harry, I know you're worried. Let's take a deep breath together."
"No! Uncle Moony! We need to do something!" Harry said jumping up and going to the door. Harry stormed out of the room and into the sitting room where Sirius and Professor Dumbledore came through the floo.
"Professor! Please! It's Mr. Weasley! He was attacked by I think Nagini. You have to help him!" Harry said, running up to the man.
"Harry, what did you see?" Dumbledore asked seriously.
"It was another vision like I had last year. Mr. Weasley was in a corner and Nagini kept attacking Mr. Weasley. Voldemort wanted to know where 'it' was, whatever that is. Please, you have to help him!" Harry said, positively frantic.
Dumbledore's blue eyes turned icy, realizing the severity of the situation.
"Harry, I will contact the order and we will locate and help Mr. Weasley. Sirius and Remus," Dumbledore said, changing his piercing gaze to the two men. "Someone needs to wake Minerva and tell the Weasley children. I'm off to alert The Order. And Harry, thank you." Dumbledore said before striding away.
"We gotta go!" Harry said, hurrying towards the door.
"Whoa, whoa. Slow down there, Pup." Sirius said, leading Harry towards the couch. "One of us is going to go and the other is staying here with you."
"Why!?" Harry asked, outraged.
"Because you've just been through something traumatic and saw someone attacked. You don't need any other trauma tonight." Remus supplied.
"Well can someone please just bloody tell them!" Harry said, pulling at his hair.
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look, unsure of who to send.
"You go, Uncle Moony. The Weasleys will need you." Harry said, solving that discussion.
"Okay, but get me if you need me," Remus said, looking at Harry with love and concern.
"We will, just go!" Harry said.
"Okay, but leave your hair alone," Remus said gently, lowering the teen's hands so he couldn't hurt himself.
Harry didn't fight the motion but didn't think too much about it because he was too worried.
Remus kissed both Harry and Sirius on the head and hurried out the door to wake the head of Gryffindor and the Weasley children.
Harry stood up and paced, grabbing at his hair again.
"Harry, Pup, no," Sirius said gently, going over to Harry and leading him back over to the couch. "Everything's going to be okay."
"How do you know that?! We don't know that! Things weren't okay last year!" Harry shouted, standing up and pacing again.
This time, Sirius didn't bother standing up to get Harry. He knew he needed to let it out. Sirius set a silencing charm on the room and let Harry go at it.
"I mean this is Voldemort we're talking about! He doesn't just have mercy on people! This is not okay! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY!" Harry screamed, pulling at his hair. Harry seethed for a moment, breathing heavily. After a moment he looked around, taking deeper breaths. He saw his dadfoot sitting on the couch, watching him with concern. Harry took some more deep breaths and walked over to him.
"I'm sorry," Harry mumbled.
"You don't have to be. You're right, nothing about this is okay. However, you saw the vision and Dumbledore is going to get help. I truly believe that this will turn out alright." Sirius said, standing up to hug his godson. "C'mon, let's have some hot chocolate or tea. Which one?"
"Hot chocolate," Harry said with a smile.
"Merlin, you really were raised by Remus," Sirius said, mock rolling his eyes.
Harry lightly shoved his godfather and followed him into the kitchen.
Internally, Harry was a mess. He was stressed, worried, overwhelmed, angry, and terrified. He felt like Nagini. He attacked Mr. Weasley. He was evil.
"Harry, you here?" Sirius asked, waving his hand in front of Harry.
Harry snapped out of his thoughts and plastered on a fake small smile for Sirius. "Oh, sorry, yeah. Just thinking."
Sirius handed Harry a mug and sat him down at their table. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Harry shook his head. "No, please no." He whispered, sipping his chocolate beverage.
"Okay, alright, you're okay. I'm not going to make you. What would help you right now?" Sirius asked.
Harry shrugged. Nothing.
"Do you want to talk about it, be distracted with something else, or do something silently? You know I'd offer you alone time, but I want to be with you right now." Sirius said.
Harry did crack a small smile. That was a strategy Remus had taught Sirius many years ago and has since taught many people. The 'do you want to talk about it? Be distracted? Or be alone?' was something that was helpful when dealing with a difficult event or negative emotion.
"Distract me," Harry said.
"Okay, come on, let's move to the couch."
Harry followed his godfather to the couch. Harry sat down and his godfather pilled blankets on him.
"Sirius, it's not January," Harry said, taking one off.
"Remus taught me that blankets make everything better."
Harry nodded his head. That was true.
Sirius grabbed a book from the bookshelf and came back, sitting next to his godson. "It's been a while since we've looked at this book."
Harry shook his head when he saw the cover. "Dadfoot, The Tale of Beedle the Bard? These are children's stories."
"And they're still good, are they not?" Sirius asked, turning his nose up at Harry.
"Yes, they're good. Go ahead, start reading." Harry said, getting comfortable and sipping his drink.
"Alright, here we go," Sirius said, opening the book.
Harry tried to listen, really he did, but he felt terrible. He felt disgusting and vile. Even when Harry had long finished drinking the hot chocolate, he clenched on tightly to his mug, trying to feel something. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore. Harry was so upset and squeezing so tightly that between his grasp and the accidental magic, the mug exploded in his hands.
Harry jumped, the incident shaking him from his thoughts. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Harry said, standing up, the porcelain shards everywhere.
"Harry, it's okay. It's just a mug. Are you okay?" Sirius asked, concerned.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine," Harry said, starting to pick up the pieces.
"Harry, step away from the broken mug." Another voice said.
Harry popped up. "Uncle Moony! How is he?" Harry asked, rushing towards him.
"He's okay. Thanks to you, we found Mr. Weasley in time. The Weasleys were upset but very thankful for you. They're all at St. Mungo's visiting him. Everything is okay." Remus assured the distressed boy.
"See," Sirius said, picking up the pieces.
Harry started to walk back to help Sirius, but a hand was placed on his shoulder. "Harry, I meant it. Don't go near the broken pieces." Remus warned him.
Harry sighed, mad that Remus was foiling the plan he quickly thought of in his mind.
Remus noticed this and said, "Harry, show me your hands."
Harry sighed and held his hands out, proving he didn't have any broken pieces hidden. This seemed to satisfy Remus who gave him a small smile and said, "Good. Are you hiding any other pieces?"
Harry shook his head, "No, sir."
"Good. Now, let's sit down and talk." Remus said, waving his wand and vanishing all the shards still left on the floor.
"Uncle Moony. I-I really don't want to. I can't right now. Please, I can't. I just want to be left alone." Harry pleaded.
Remus sighed. He certainly wasn't going to force Harry to talk, but also did not want to leave Harry alone, either.
Harry sighed, seeing their internal battle. "Can I at least shower?!" Harry begged.
"Sure," Remus said sympathetically.
Harry turned on his heel and headed to the bathroom. He wanted to scrub the evil off of him. He couldn't take this. Harry turned the shower on and quickly undressed and stepped into the shower. Harry stood under the scalding hot water for a while, trying to feel something that wasn't anger and disgust, and then started scrubbing his body furiously. Harry tried to rub his skin raw, getting rid of any part of Voldemort. At one point, Harry took a break to allow the hot water to once again fall on him and sting his now raw body. As Harry was looking around, something reflected the light in his clothes. Harry went over to it and saw that a piece of the mug somehow got stuck to his clothes. He grabbed it quickly and felt a spark of exhilaration go through his body. Harry snatched the broken porcelain and went back into the shower. Harry carefully ran the jagged end of the porcelain along his red arm and sighed, feeling relief that was almost dizzying.
"Finally," Harry muttered, feeling better than he had in weeks.
After the relief had come down a bit, Harry focused on the task at hand. He kept running the porcelain along his arm. He relished the sensation and pain of it all. He watched the water turn red and go down the drain. Harry wanted to literally bleed Voldemort and the evil out of him. He wanted it gone. Harry used the shard to go over his arm again and again, yet took his time, wanting to watch the evil literally go down the drain.
"Harry?" A knock brought Harry out of his mind. "Are you okay in there?" Remus asked.
Harry was frozen for a moment before replying, "Uh, yeah. I'm fine."
"Okay. If you're sure. I'll check on you again if you're not out in another 15 minutes." Remus said.
Harry heard him lingering there for a moment longer and then walking away. Harry sighed as he heard the footsteps walk away.
How long has he even been in the shower? Harry had no idea, but it had to have been a while.
Harry made a few more cuts before gently tossing the porcelain piece on his clothes and allowing the water to clean out his wounds and try to slow the bleeding. Harry then washed his hair and body before there was another knock on the door.
"Harry, are you sure you're okay? I'm getting worried."
Harry silently cursed. "Yeah, I'm good Uncle Moony. I'll be out in a minute or two."
Harry quickly rinsed the soap off of him. He stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around him, making sure his injured arm was facing the towel and not out. He grabbed his clothes that had the porcelain shard and hurried to his room.
When Harry got back in his room he quickly dried off and threw on some clothes before grabbing the broken piece of the mug and heading to his bed. Harry was determined to get the evil out of him if it was the last thing he did.
Meanwhile, Remus was worried about Harry. He sent Sirius back to bed when Harry had gone in the shower, telling him they'd take turns resting. Remus thought and wrote some stuff down while Harry was in the shower. After 45 minutes Remus decided to check on him knowing that showers this long weren't like Harry. After an hour he was really worried but Harry shortly got out after that. Remus tried to let Harry rest after the shower, but couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. He got up from his armchair and went to the bathroom, most of the humidity had dissolved at that point. Remus looked around. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Remus continued to scan the room until he saw it. Remus bent down and saw two drops of something red on the floor near the shower. Remus stood up and hurried towards Harry's room. Remus didn't even bother to knock on the door.
Harry, who was focused on slicing his arm, looked up and all the blood drained from his face when he saw Remus. He was frozen for a moment before weakly saying, "Oy! Ever heard of knocking?"
"Where is it?" Remus asked sternly.
"Where is what?" Harry stalled, his eyes darting around the room.
Remus didn't want to wait any longer. "Accio what Harry's using to harm himself."
The shard of the mug flew into Remus' hand before he vanished it.
Harry didn't even give Remus a second before he lunged at him. "GIVE IT BACK!" Harry shouted, "I NEED IT!"
Remus gently, but firmly, grabbed Harry's arms and held them at his sides. "No, you don't. Harry, what's going on?"
"GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK!" Harry continued to shout, becoming more belligerent.
Remus realized this was going to continue to escalate and something was going on even more than Harry's unhealthy coping mechanism.
Sirius had heard the commotion and ran into Harry's room. "What's going on?" He asked. Sirius saw Harry trying to attack Remus and the bloody arm Harry had.
"Sirius, I need you to send a Patronus to Albus and Severus and tell them to get here now," Remus explained calmly, speaking over Harry's yells.
Sirius quickly did that and went over to Harry and Remus, trying to calm down the teen. "Let's bring him to the bed. I'll get behind him." Sirius suggested.
Remus and Sirius moved the fighting teen to the bed. Sirius wrapped his arms around Harry and contained his right arm and his left bicep, but left his left forearm free for Remus to tend to the wounds. Sirius put his head near Harry's shoulder, whispering calming things in his ear.
"Harry, you're okay. You're okay, Pup. I'm here. Uncle Moony is here. Take some breaths for me, Pup. You are so loved. You're safe." Sirius kept whispering, trying to deescalate the aggravated teen.
Remus was holding onto Harry's legs and holding his left forearm out to make sure Harry wouldn't hurt it any further.
Then, Dumbledore arrived. He could hear where the family was by Harry's screaming.
"I NEED IT! GIVE IT BACK! UNCLE MOONY!" Harry continued to yell, tears running down his face.
"How can I help?" Dumbledore asked, striding into the room.
"Please get the first aid kit from the bathroom," Remus asked him, speaking loud enough over his son.
Albus with a flick of his wand Accio-ed the first aid kit.
"NO, UNCLE MOONY! NO! I NEED TO GET THE EVIL OUT!" Harry yelled, inconsolable.
While this statement scared everyone in the room, no one said anything. Remus, of course, kept his face neutral and kept working on calming the boy down.
Remus allowed Dumbledore to firmly hold onto Harry's forearm, much to Harry's dismay.
Severus then came through the floo and also easily found the wizards in Harry's room. While he was surprised at the boy who was acting almost rabid, he kept his face neutral and said, "How may I be of assistance?"
"Severus come here, please, and hold down his legs," Remus asked, his attention still on Harry.
Snape did as he was told and held down the screaming boy.
"I NEED IT! HE IS IN ME AND I NEED HIM OUT!" Harry yelled
Remus started to clean out the cuts Harry made which caused him to thrash even more. However, all three of the men kept a firm hold on him, making sure he couldn't move.
Remus glanced at Snape, inviting him to speak.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter, MR. POTTER, HARRY!" Snape yelled in his loudest voice.
Harry quieted down, but kept whimpering and looked at Snape.
"Harry, I know what it's like to feel like you have evil inside of you," Snape said, rolling up his sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark.
Harry, still whimpering, looked at the forearm of the potion master.
"You are not evil. You can not drain or bleed or cut him out of you. Believe me, I've tried. Let Professor Lupin tend to your wounds and stop fighting."
Harry stopped fighting against his restraints and collapsed against Sirius, sobbing.
"Shh, Pup, you're okay. You're okay. You are safe. You are loved. Dadfoot is here. Uncle Moony is here. You're safe and loved." Sirius said, still holding tightly onto the boy.
Dumbledore continued to hold onto Harry's forearm to make sure that he wouldn't accidentally yank it away.
Harry whimpered as Remus cleaned out his cuts. "I know, Harry, I know. You're doing good, Cub. Take some breaths, that's it." Remus murmured.
Snape walked out of the room and into the sitting room. He didn't leave but wanted to take a moment. There was far too much love and care in that room for him. Snape saw a bottle of Firewhiskey on a tall shelf and grabbed it, taking a swig. He didn't care that it was Saturday morning, he needed something to take the edge off from this situation.
Meanwhile, Remus was tenderly tending to Harry's cuts and praising the boy. Harry had slowed his crying but was clearly still distraught.
When Remus started to bandage his arm, Dumbledore let go and kissed the black mop of the boy. He stood up and went to the sitting room where Snape was.
"That was a wonderful thing to tell and show Harry. Nothing we said or did calmed him down." Albus commented.
"I simply wanted to stop the boy from breaking my eardrums," Severus commented snidely.
"Well, for whatever reason, it is appreciated," Albus said before walking back into the room.
Snape took another look at the Firewhiskey he put back on the shelf. He walked over to it and took another swig before walking back into Harry's room.
"You're all set, Cub," Remus said, finishing bandaging Harry's arm.
"Thanks," Harry murmured to Remus, sniffling.
"Harry, what happened, love?" Remus asked, trying to catch Harry's eye.
Harry looked around, clearly uncomfortable discussing this with the other men in the room.
Dumbledore noticed this but had an important question for Harry. "Harry, what did you mean by 'he is in you' and you 'needed to get the evil out?'" He asked kindly.
Harry shrugged, not wanting to answer the question.
"I don't want to push you, child, but it is very important that I hear the answer to it," Dumbledore told him.
Harry took a shaky breath. While Sirius had released his tight hold on Harry, he was still hugging having his arms wrapped around Harry's torso, reminding him he wasn't alone.
"Sir, the attack on Mr. Weasley," Harry began, Dumbledore nodded, listening intently. "It was by Nagini and Nagini was attacking him. But I was Nagini. It was like I was attacking Mr. Weasley." Harry said, not meeting anyone's eyes.
"So, Harry, to make sure I have this correct, you observed the event as if you were Nagini. You saw the event through Nagini's eyes."
"Yes, Sir, but there's more! I didn't just observe the event but I was attacking him. I felt and heard everything the snake did. I kept on attacking him. My brain and mind were Nagini's."
Dumbledore was silent for a moment, thinking. The other men in the room were shocked.
"Just expel me already!" Harry cried. His hand immediately went to his arm and started to scratch. Sirius gently grabbed Harry's arms and held them at his side, not wanting Harry to hurt himself. He whispered kind things in his ear.
"Oh, Harry, I would never!" Albus said, kneeling down in front of the distressed teenager. "This is something you can't control. It is Voldemort that controls it. I have a few theories, but I need to do more thinking about them. In the meantime, I think we have a way to start to keep Voldemort out of your mind."
"Professor, surely not," Severus said, interrupting.
"Ah, but Severus, I believe it is our best hope."
Snape's face soured, but he didn't say anything.
"Harry, I'm talking about occlumency." Dumbledore said.
"That's very advanced magic," Sirius commented, concerned.
"But so is a corporal patronus." Albus countered.
"It is magic that while I believe Harry can learn, it is emotionally draining and causes the learner to be very vulnerable." Remus pointed out.
"But Harry's mind is already vulnerable to Voldemort," Dumbledore replied.
"What is this occlumency?" Harry asked, a bit annoyed.
"Occlumency, Harry, is protecting your mind. A skilled occlumens is someone who has barriers up and their mind is impenetrable to skilled leginimens, those who can enter ones minds."
Harry was quiet, trying to digest this information.
"I can assist, but I'm afraid there is a more skilled occluments to teach you." Dumbledore said.
"Who?" Harry inquired.
"Me." Severus said, knowing what the headmaster was going to say.
"You want Snape to teach Harry occlumency?" Sirius asked, outraged.
"He knows how to occlude ones mind the best and is much more familiar with Voldemort's methods. It will be good for him as a spy, as well."
Harry was not happy, but he was still reeling from his dream and didn't have the energy to be properly appalled.
"I understand that I have to do this, Sir, but I really can't handle this right now. When should I start?" Harry asked.
"The sooner the better," Albus replied. "Today, if possible."
"Albus, I respect that you want Harry to learn this, and I, too, want to protect Harry's mind from Voldemort. However, Harry has already had a trying day and it's still breakfast time. I'm putting my foot down on this. Harry will not begin today. We will revisit this topic on Sunday. Today and tomorrow is for Harry to recover."
Severus grudgingly admitted that he was impressed with Lupin. Very few people actually stand up to Albus Dumbledore, especially so firmly.
Dumbledore sighed but nodded. "I understand. You're right, there is too much emotion right now. Occlumency works best when one has a clear mind and I'm afraid Harry's mind is anything but right now."
Harry was becoming more annoyed at everyone talking about him instead of with him, but he was too exhausted and confused to try to fight.
"We can talk about this more tomorrow as adults," Remus said, closing the conversation.
Harry quickly realized this didn't include him, but he knew that his dads had his best interests at heart.
"We can meet in my office tomorrow. Severus, does that work for you?" Albus asked.
Severus nodded sharply.
"Wonderful. Now, is there anything else I can assist with?" Albus asked.
"Not with us. Harry, is there anything else you want to share with Professor Dumbledore or Professor Snape?" Remus asked.
"No, Sir," Harry replied quietly.
"Alright then. I will head back to my quarters, but do not hesitate to get me," Dumbledore said kindly. He strode out of the room and the other men couldn't help but roll their eyes when he was gone. While he was a wonderful grandfather, there were times when his mind kept him in a meddling professor mode. All the men were used to that but they still have feelings about it. Only Albus could see Harry's outburst and leave deep in thought about his theories. Admittedly, there was some disturbing information shared.
"Mister Potter, Harry," Severus corrected himself, "I will also take leave now. I want to remind you that no matter what you see in your visions, you are not The Dark Lord and you are not evil. I may see you and your fathers, all of them, as annoying, and even back when we were children as a bit cruel, I never thought of them as evil, and neither are you." Turning his attention to the older men in the room, Severus asked, "Do you require any more calming droughts?"
"Yes, please," Remus replied.
Severus nodded sharply again and left the room, his cape sweeping behind him like a bat. Severus flooed out, but not before sneaking another swig of Firewhiskey.
Sirius released his hold on Harry and moved his body so Harry could lean against him. Harry, however, was frozen, too much had happened.
"Relax, Harry," Remus said, gently pressing on Harry's chest, urging him to lean against Sirius. Harry leaned back but didn't say anything.
"Harry, what's going through your mind?" Remus asked after a moment, sitting on the edge of his bed.
Harry chuckled dryly, not sure how to answer that question.
"Okay, okay, that's fair. Bad question." Remus conceded. "Do you understand that you are not evil and you did not attack Mr. Weasley?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged. "I mean I didn't stop. I wanted to keep going." Harry whispered. it was only heard due to the animagus hearing Remus and Sirius both had.
Sirius sat Harry up and looked him in his eyes. "Harry, my pup, you are not evil. Voldemort is evil. He caused you to see what you saw."
"But I feel evil, Dadfoot," Harry said, looking down.
Sirius sighed. He lifted Harry's chin up to meet his own. "Harry, there is both light and darkness inside of us. What matters is what we choose to act on."
Harry nodded, digesting his godfather's words.
"You have not chosen to act on anything evil, dark, or bad. You have spoken out, Harry, and acted on the good." Sirius explained further.
Harry's eyes welled up with tears, "I thought you were gonna disown me or something. I don't want to leave you!"
Remus and Sirius both hugged Harry, holding him tight. "Never, Harry, never. You are ours forever." Remus murmured.
"Harry, we are never going to disown you, ever. Wherever you go, we will go. If you want to rival Voldemort we'll make picket signs announcing you're the real heir of Slytherin and have people join us and leave ol moldy face." Sirius joked.
This caused Harry to crack a smile. "You won't leave me no matter what?"
"No matter what." Sirius and Remus promised in unison.
The family stayed there for a while, just being near each other. Eventually, Remus and Sirius pulled away. Remus helped Harry sit up in his bed.
"Now, Harry, do you still feel like you want to hurt yourself?" Remus asked seriously, but kindly.
"Not like before!" Harry insisted.
Remus was quiet, waiting for Harry to answer the question.
"Maybe a little," Harry admitted quietly.
"That's okay, Cub. And we are so proud of you for admitting that. That is really brave." Remus praised.
Harry shrugged, not feeling brave.
"I really want you to rest right now. You had an eventful morning and I want you to get your energy back. I'm going to give you a sip of a calming draught, but only a sip, and then you're going to rest, okay?" Remus asked, picking up the first aid kit.
Harry nodded and watched as his dad walked away.
Sirius quickly turned into Padfoot and curled up into Harry. Harry smiled and pet the dog. He knew he wasn't going to be left alone right now, but petting Padfoot always made him feel better.
Remus came back with a vial and handed it to Harry. "Only a sip," he reminded his godson.
Harry took a sip and handed it back to Remus. It certainly wasn't a full calming draught, but it helped quiet his mind. Harry snuggled in his bed and Padfoot got close to him.
"Let's breathe together," Remus said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Harry followed his uncle's breathing patterns until he fell asleep into a much easier slumber than before.
When Harry awoke a few hours later, he saw Padfoot near him on the foot of the bed. Harry started to sit up and Padfoot put his head up, noticing movement.
"Hi, Padfoot," Harry said, smiling.
Harry winced as he tried to push himself up and looked at his left arm. He saw bandages wrapped around it and everything came rushing back.
Padfoot popped into Sirius and came to Harry's side. "Be careful, Pup. C'mon, I'll help. Let's get you to the kitchen." Sirius said, helping Harry up.
Harry reluctantly accepted the help and walked into the kitchen, although shakily. He was still a little dizzy from all the blood he lost and everything that had transpired that morning.
"Hi, Cub! How'd you sleep?" Remus asked cheerfully. He was making lunch and put a glass of water and a couple of potions down in front of Harry's chair.
"Good," Harry said, sitting down.
"I'm making lunch right now, just some sandwiches. When you've finished, you have a few potions to have. You have a blood replenishing potion and a nutrient potion." Remus explained.
Harry grumbled but didn't really say anything intelligible. He understood why they wanted him to take the potions, but he just didn't want to.
Remus was quickly done and Harry dutifully ate his sandwich. His dadfoot and uncle tried to make conversation, but eventually stopped and allowed Harry to eat in silence as they communicated through their looks.
Eventually, everyone had finished lunch and Harry was brought to the couch in the sitting room. merlin, he was spending a lot of time here lately.
"Harry, I want to talk about this morning," Remus said, beginning the conversation.
Harry expected this but did not like it nonetheless.
"What about it?" He asked, looking at the ground.
"Well, first of all, I think you used a piece of the mug I vanished. I asked you if you had a piece and you told me 'no'." Remus stated. He didn't want to outright accuse Harry because he knows how dreadful it feels to be accused of something you didn't do. Remus was, however, a bit suspicious and disappointed.
Harry popped up at that statement. "Uncle Moony, no! I mean yes it was, but I wasn't hiding it, I promise!"
Remus looked at him a bit confused. Harry took a deep breath and decided to start from the beginning. "I was so overwhelmed and I had all of these feelings. I felt so evil and scared and confused. I was itching to just let it out. In the shower, I was letting the water wash over me and I saw something gleam in the light. When I went by it I saw that it was a piece of that mug that stuck to my clothes. I didn't mean to lie to you, I promise!" Harry insisted.
Remus nodded, believing him, "And you hurt yourself in the shower and after the shower?" He asked.
Harry nodded.
"Why did you choose to do that instead of something else?" Remus asked kindly.
Harry let out a frustrated breath, "I had to!" He said, pulling at his hair again.
Remus gently reached over and brought Harry's hands down. "Explain to me."
"I had to get him out. I needed to be me again. Besides, I caused Mr. Weasley all this pain! I thought I should have some."
"Harry, you did not choose to do anything. While you might've seen and felt the attack as if you were Nagini, you personally did not give Mr. Weasley any pain. You are not evil. Harry, you harming yourself in any way is not going to rid you of Voldemort." Remus said gently.
"I just wanted him gone," Harry admitted quietly.
"I know, Cub. I know. We are going to work on it, I promise. I want you to remember, however, that harming yourself is not a way to get rid of him." Remus warned.
Harry gave a small nod but was not convinced. He so desperately wanted to get rid of Voldemort and this was the only way he could think of.
"We'll come up with a solution, together," Remus said, reading his mind. "In the meantime, no matter what the reason is, I want you to tell me or tell someone when you want to harm yourself. We'll work through it with you, okay?" Remus asked.
"I'll try," Harry said, his voice hoarse from screaming.
"I know you have a lot of questions and so do I. We'll talk to Professor Dumbledore and get some answers, okay? Just not today. How are you feeling, physically?" Remus asked, changing the topic.
Harry was more than willing to answer any question that wasn't about his state of mind, "I feel tired. I felt dizzy but the potion helped. My head feels all fuzzy and my arm hurts."
"That's all understandable. If your arm is still hurting later we can give you a pain potion. You cut pretty deep, love." Remus said gently.
Ugh, back on that topic.
Harry didn't really know how to reply. He didn't mean to, but he also meant to do exactly what he did.
"Why don't you rest right now? You can read a book if you feel up to it." Remus offered.
Harry agreed and went back to his room. Padfoot followed him, still not wanting to be alone.
Remus sighed and thought about his cub. He wasn't sure what was causing these visions and what he should do. He knew that Albus had a lot of explaining to do one way or another. There were answers they needed to learn and Remus was pretty sure Albus had a good idea of what in the world was going on.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal