Author's Note: References to self-harm. You are important. You are loved!
In addition, I sort of made up/ used what I know on how to practice occlumency. Feel free to correct me or enjoy what I came up with!
This is a bit of a filler chapter, but I still hope you enjoy it!
Harry resisted the urge to place his face on Zonko's window, but looked back at his grandfather, longing on his face. "Please, Grandad, can we go in!?" Harry pleaded.
Albus smiled, "I wouldn't expect anything else from the son of James, Sirius, and Remus."
Harry grinned and hurried into the store. There were very few times that Harry could pick out prank supplies without his parents. This time he would be able to actually trick them, seeing as though they're not chaperoning or overseeing his purchases.
Harry grabbed a few boxes of indetectable hair dye as well as a few other things. Albus smiled at Harry's lot and placed something next to his pile.
Harry raised his eyebrow at his professor, "Professor Dumbledore, Sir!" He teased him.
"Your fathers have pranked me many, many times over the years. They would never suspect me when you're buying all of this."
"Grandad! You are cunning!" Harry gasped as Albus gave money to the cashier who bagged their purchases.
"Alas, my secret is out," Dumbledore said, winking at Harry.
"I do have a request," Dumbledore said to Harry as they walked to Honeydukes, "Please do not use this on Professor Snape. I fear he would not recover from something I contributed to."
Harry rolled his eyes but understood. "Okay, but if it happens to get in other hands..." Harry trailed off.
"I am only responsible for what I give to you. If a certain pair of red-headed twins find a product or two I will be none the wiser."
Harry let out a barking laugh and grinned. He missed this.
Harry and Dumbledore had a wonderful rest of their outing in Hogsmeade. When they came back to the castle, Dumbledore suggested they make an appearance for dinner, despite already eating at the Three Broomsticks.
Harry saw the spark of jealousy in Malfoy's eyes when he walked in but kept the smirk to himself. Harry walked to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Neville.
"Hey, Harry," Neville said, already eating.
"Hey, Neville," Harry replied, pouring himself a glass of pumpkin juice.
Neville and Harry sat in companionable silence for about 5 minutes before someone saw them.
"Harry!" Harry heard from behind him. Before he could turn his head around a pair of arms wrapped around him and he had a face full of bushy hair.
"Let him go, 'Mione," Ron said from her side.
Hermione and Ron sat down and looked at Harry. "How have you been? We haven't seen you in ages!"
"You saw me yesterday." Harry pointed out.
"Well, yes, but we heard you were in the common room and we missed you! Why didn't you come to find us?" Hermione pestered.
Harry shrugged, feeling uncomfortable, "I only had a small amount of time. I know you don't see me a lot anymore but like I said, I've got stuff I'm working through," Harry said quietly.
"But-" Hermione began again.
Neville cut her off, "Hermione, leave him be. He obviously doesn't want to talk about it and we're not exactly in a private location right now."
Hermione was not used to Neville speaking up and that quieted her.
Harry gave Neville a grateful smile and looked down, swirling his pumpkin juice in his glass while Hermione and Ron filled their plates.
Harry half-listened to what his friends were saying, but he just wanted to disappear.
Dumbledore, from his spot at the head table, had seen how uncomfortable Harry had gotten. He got up and walked to the Gryffindor table. He gently put his hand on Harry's shoulder, causing him to jump.
"Oh, sorry Professor," Harry said, blushing.
"I think now is a good time to take our leave. Are you ready?"
Harry nodded. He waved goodbye to his friends and followed the headmaster out of the Great Hall.
Once they were nearing the gargoyle to Dumbledore's office, Albus looked at Harry and asked, "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'll be better in a few minutes. I'm glad I'm out of there." Harry admitted quietly, looking down.
Dumbledore pondered the statement but didn't say anything about it. He and Harry silently made their way back to Albus' office and then to his quarters.
"So, my boy, I believe we have a box of every flavor beans to go through," Dumbeldore said when they had sat down.
Harry smiled. This would be fun.
The aging headmaster and teenager played games, ate sweets, and both told stories that had them laughing and tearing up. Harry had ended up asleep on his grandfather who lovingly brought Harry to his bed in his quarters and tucked him in.
"Goodnight, my child," Dumbledore whispered before shutting the door.
It took Harry a moment to remember where he was when he woke up, but he had a smile on his face as he remembered. Harry took his time getting out of bed and made his way to his grandfather's sitting room.
"Good morning, Harry!" Albus said, smiling at him.
"Mornin' Granddad," Harry yawned. looking around.
"What time is it?" Harry asked, stretching.
"About 10."
Harry nodded, sitting down.
"How did you sleep?" Dumbledore asked.
"Good," Harry smiled, very relieved he had no nightmares.
"I'm so glad to hear that," Dumbledore said, smiling. "We can head down to brunch whenever you're ready."
"Can I have my wand?" Harry asked hopefully.
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at him and Harry looked down a bit ashamed. "Yeah, okay, sorry," Harry said.
"Go get dressed and we'll head down," Dumbledore said.
Harry got dressed and followed his headmaster down to the Great Hall. They ate brunch at their respective tables. Harry was more than relieved to eat lunch alone. When they had made their way back to the headmaster's quarters where Harry and Albus chatted for a bit before starting on Harry's homework together. Around 2 o clock, they had tea together and that's when Sirius and Remus came through the floor.
"Dadfoot! Uncle Moony!" Harry said, smiling and going to hug them.
"Harry!" They cried, hugging their son.
"Uh, dads," Harry said after a moment of hugging, and neither let go, "It was only one night. I was just fine,"
"Use a different word," Remus said into Harry's hair.
"Everything was good," Harry sighed, trying to wriggle out of the hug.
"It's no use, I'm never letting you go," Sirius said.
Harry sighed and stood there for another 15 seconds before he was finally able to get some fresh air.
"We missed you!" Sirius said, trying to defend himself.
"Dadfoot," Harry whined, blushing a bit, "I'm not 5 anymore."
"But you're our baby!" Sirius insisted, going in for another hug.
This hug didn't last as long as before and when they broke away Harry asked, "Are you coming to pick me up? I can get my stuff."
"Actually, Harry, we're here to talk with Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape about your Occlumency lessons."
Harry felt his stomach drop, "Do we have to?"
Remus nodded, "Yes, but it'll be painless, I promise."
Harry sighed and said, "Well, I'm still going to pack up my stuff so we can leave when we're done." Harry went over to Albus and hugged him. "Thank you, Granddad. I had so much fun."
"I did too, my dear boy. Thank you," Dumbledore said kindly, hugging back.
Harry went to get his stuff together and Sirius and Remus took a spot on the couch. "How did everything go?" Remus asked.
"Everything was splendid. We had a nice time together. Harry saw some of his classmates at dinner yesterday and he seemed a bit uncomfortable, but he did not seem to swell on it. I still have his wand. How was everything with the both of you?"
Remus grabbed the wand that Albus had set on the coffee table while Sirius replied. "We both processed what you said. We're not okay with it, but we know that Harry has done very well so far and this doesn't change anything. We'll find a solution and in the meantime, just love him."
Albus nodded, agreeing with the statement.
Harry came back down the stairs with his bag. "So are we going to your office?" Harry asked.
"Yes, but first sit down. Let's talk before we meet Professor Snape," Dumbledore said.
Harry nodded apprehensively and sat down next to Remus. "What's up?"
"Harry, I want to remind you that Occlumency is very important for you right now."
Harry nodded, following the conversation so far.
"While I know Professor Snape is not your favorite professor, it is vital you learn this branch of magic. I urge you to respect Professor Snape during these lessons."
Harry opened his mouth to argue but shut it. All three adults knew him and there was no reason to deny the nature of his relationship with Snape.
"Okay," Harry said slowly, "I will. I also ask that you talk to Professor Snape about not antagonizing me in our lessons."
Dumbledore inclined his face, "I believe that is fair. I will have a private conversation with Professor Snape about that at another time."
Harry nodded, understanding why it is going to be private.
"Alright, I believe Professor Snape will be here any moment," Dumbledore said, standing up.
Sirius, Remus, and Harry all followed him into his office. They sat down and not a moment later Snape had knocked on the door and entered.
"Good afternoon," Snape drawled, swooping in and taking a seat.
"Good afternoon, Professor Snape," Albus said, giving him a small smile.
There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment before Dumbledore broke the ice. "We are here, gentlemen, to talk about Harry's Occlumency lessons. I am sure you've done some thinking about this. Professor Snape, would you like to begin?"
Severus opened his mouth and began to speak. "We will need a ruse while you attend these lessons. You shall tell everyone that you are taking remedial potions."
"But I'm good at potions! When the Slytherins don't throw anything in my cauldron!" Harry insisted, standing up.
Remus put his arms on Harry's arms and brought him back down to the couch.
"I understand that it is not the most comfortable, Harry, but we can not tell people that you are studying occlumency."
"I'm not stupid!" Harry insisted, not backing down.
"Why don't we change the reason? We could have Harry learning a particular potion or have private tutoring to learn certain potions Aurors would use." Remus suggested, rubbing calming circles on Harry's back.
"I suppose that could work. We could tell people I'm teaching him the Wolfsbane," Snape said, a snide smile on his face.
Sirius bristled, but Remus spoke, "That would work. It would make sense for Harry to want to know it."
Harry did not pipe up and say that he's been practicing brewing the potion on his own because learning how to brew Wolfsbane is a much better excuse than remedial potions.
"Wonderful. That's settled, then." Dumbledore said, closing that topic.
Remus spoke up now. "Occlumency is a magic that can be revealing and emotionally draining. I want to set some boundaries now to protect Harry."
Dumbledore nodded, encouraging Remus to continue.
"Professor Snape, I want you to promise that anything you might accidentally see in these sessions will remain confidential."
Severus nodded but did not comment.
"In addition, we have some limitations with Harry right now."
"Uncle Moony," Harry hissed, not wanting to get into it.
Remus started to rub Harry's back again but did not stop talking.
"Harry is not to be alone right now. He only has his wand for lessons and this would count as such. We will walk Harry down to the dungeon for his lessons. If you have a particular time to pick him up we can do that, too."
"I do not have a time we will be done. It depends on how the lesson goes that night," Severus replied cooly.
"Would you be willing to bring him back to our quarters, then?" Remus asked.
Harry whined again.
"I can do that," Severus said. Despite his words, Severus looked like he had swallowed a lemon.
His face was not lost on Harry and he was not feeling very good at the moment.
"There are many worse things in the world than taking a few minutes and being with Harry," Sirius said, defending him.
Harry gave his godfather a weak smile, thanking him.
"I expect the boy to be prepared when he comes to our lessons and be respectful," Severus said stiffly.
"I have already discussed this with Harry," Albus said.
"How do you want him to prepare?" Sirius asked, knowing Harry had no idea how to prepare and what it entails.
"I will have a book for him at our lesson tonight."
"Tonight?" Harry asked, his heart freezing.
"Yes, Harry, tonight. We must start as soon as possible." Albus said to the nervous boy.
Harry had a million questions in his mind, but he couldn't even think about asking any of them. It felt like his voice has left him.
"What time tonight?" Remus asked.
"8 PM. Do not be late," Severus reminded them.
Remus helped Harry up and out of the office. Harry felt like he was on autopilot. He thought he had time to prepare before the lesson but he had none.
Eventually, Harry found himself sitting on their couch in the sitting room, Sirius was Padfoot and on his lap. Petting Padfoot brought Harry back to reality.
"I thought I had time," Harry whispered, blinking. "I am really nervous," Harry admitted.
"It's normal to be nervous, Cub, you're going to be fine," Remus assured him handing him a glass of hot chocolate.
"What is going to happen?" Harry asked.
Padfoot became Sirius who sat next to him, rubbing his back. "Well, Snape is going to try to enter your mind. You are going to try to push him out. I'm not sure how he will begin the lessons, but that is what you'll end up doing."
"How do I stop him?" Harry asked, not wanting Snape to see his thoughts and memories.
"Eventually you'll have a wall. That does not happen the first time. It's important to keep your emotions at bay and keep yourself as calm as possible."
"Easier said than done," Harry said weakly.
"I've been able to do a bit of it, but it was after I became an animagus and had a better understanding of how my mind works."
"What should I do before the lesson?" Harry asked anxiously.
"Well," Sirius said thoughtfully, "It's important to have a clear mind when you start the process."
"And how do I do that?" Harry asked not having the faintest idea.
"Let's practice that right now," Sirius suggested.
Remus and Sirius moved to the floor and Harry followed. They sat criss-cross style and were in a circle.
"Think of a place you feel safe and calm. Maybe it's the beach, Hogwarts, your room, or the feeling of being with someone. Whatever is the safest and calmest for you." Remus began.
Harry thought for a moment, trying to decide what he would pick. "Okay, I got it."
"Now let it fill you up. Think of it like how you learned how to do a Patronus. The difference is that this should be a feeling that is much more calm and serene." Remus explained.
Harry took deep breaths, letting the emotion fill him up.
"Now stay there. Stay in that place," Remus instructed calmly.
Harry did as he was told. He stayed with the feeling. He only thought about that and pushed any other thoughts away.
Eventually, Harry opened his eyes, breaking the trance.
"That was spectacular, Harry," Remus praised.
"Telling me to think of it like a Patronus. That was really helpful," Harry told Remus warmly.
"I'm glad it helped you. That place you went to is where you are going to go when you start to construct a defense for your mind," Remus said.
"What do we do next?" Harry asked.
"You're going to have a snack and drink something," the therapist replied.
Now that he mentioned it, Harry did feel a bit parched. He nodded and stood up, making his way to the kitchen.
"Learning any new magic is draining, especially when it concerns your mind," Remus explained.
Sirius joined Harry for a snack.
"Hey, Pup. Are you feeling any better about the whole thing?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah. At least I know where to start. I don't know if Snape will teach me about it and he certainly won't teach me like you and Uncle Moony just did."
Sirius nodded, "I'm glad. I wish I could teach you, but I don't have the skills. I am working on it so that way I can take over if needed." Sirius told him.
Harry felt warmth fill his chest, "You'd do that for me?"
Sirius looked at Harry tenderly, "Pup, I love you. I would do anything for you. Strengthening a branch of magic is not a bother at all. This benefits me as well. Harry, I would chop my fingers off one by one if it meant you would be happy,"
Harry seemed horrified at the thought, "Please don't."
Sirius chuckled. "I won't, but I'm just trying to prove to you that you mean everything to me. I love being your dad. I love you."
"I love you too, Dadfoot," Harry said, hugging him.
Harry and Sirius finished their drinks and snacks before heading back to the sitting room. "What now?" Harry asked.
"You're going to take a rest," Remus stated firmly.
"Ugh, dad, I don't want to," Harry whined.
"Harry, I want to make sure you have energy for this evening. It's going to be pretty draining."
Harry sighed, but complied. He went to his room, fully expecting to stare at the ceiling for an hour. Harry was rather surprised when an hour and a half later he woke up, wrapped in his blankets. Harry walked to the bathroom and took a shower, waking himself up.
When he had fresh clothes on he made his way to the sitting room where Sirius was sitting with a large container.
"What's in there?" Harry asked.
"Your next lesson," Sirius said with a playful smile.
Harry walked towards the bin and looked inside. "Legos?" He questioned skeptically.
While Harry was raised by two wizards, his mum was a muggle. Lily had introduced Legos to the marauders in their first year and they never looked back. Legos were a standard toy for Harry growing up, but he hadn't played with these large legos in probably 6 years.
"You're going to build a wall," Sirius said simply.
"Uh, okay," Harry said, shrugging.
Harry made a wall with the legos in a few minutes and looked at his dad. "Done."
Sirius had a small lego figure and quickly found a hole in the wall and rammed his lego figure through it, breaking the wall. "BOOM! Broken."
"Dadfoot!" Harry said, confused.
"Your mental wall can't have any holes and this one can't either."
Understanding dawned on Harry. He quickly created another wall. This time Sirius was able to throw his mini lego guy over the wall. "Meh. Too short."
Harry sighed and rebuilt it, but taller. This time the lego guy went around the corner.
Harry was becoming determined now. He needed to keep this stupid lego guy from getting over, around, or through the wall. Harry built a wider, taller, and more sturdy wall with no holes. He knew that Sirius would not be able to get around it now.
Out of nowhere, Remus appeared with his own lego figure. He was able to get around the wall.
Harry stood up and glared at them.
"The mind can work in more directions all at once." Remus pointed out before Harry could say anything.
Harry sighed and kept working on the wall. Eventually, he constructed a wall that used all the legos in the bin. It was tall and it curved around so that way no one could get through. Sirius and Remus both threw their lego men at the wall and it didn't break through.
Harry smirked at them with his victory.
"Good job." Remus praised.
Sirius, being Sirius, played with his lego guy. "Help! I'm drowning in the moat! King Harry is cruel and built a wall that is keeping me out. Ahhh!" Sirius said in a high-pitched voice.
Harry rolled his eyes and grabbed the lego figure out of Sirius' hands.
"The Heir of Slytherin! The Heir of Slytherin!" Sirius said in that same voice, mocking him.
Harry jumped on his Dadfoot now, wrestling him.
Sirius was momentarily stunned (but he is a boy and a marauder so this was not the first time he's been jumped on for teasing someone) before wrestling him back and eventually pinning Harry on the ground.
"Ha ha! Dadfoot wins again!" Sirius said, grinning victoriously.
All of a sudden, Remus popped into Moony and started to tackle Sirius. Harry quickly jumped on the couch, watching the show.
This time Moony was the one who won. Moony rolled off of Sirius and popped back into Remus.
Sirius sat up, crossing his arms and pouting, "No fair."
"I won fair and square." Remus pointed out.
"Yeah, but you're a bloody wolf. Of course, you're going to win. I'd beat you if you stayed as Remus."
"But I'd beat Padfoot if I was a human." Remus pointed out.
Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but then shut it, thinking of something better.
"Besides, you beat a hurt, defenseless boy," Remus pointed out.
Harry took this as his cue and put his best puppy dog face on and gently rubbed his arm.
Sirius' face dropped and he felt guilty, before seeing the smirk that formed on Remus and Harry's face.
"Oh, you sneaky Pup!" Sirius said, running towards Harry and tickling him. When Harry was thoroughly tickled, Sirius turned on Remus and attacked him.
Remus was able to fight back with the tickling and so the men ended up kissing each other.
Harry smiled when they first kissed, but quickly realized they weren't stopping anytime soon.
"Merlin," Harry muttered, walking to the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of pumpkin juice and sat down, sipping it. A few minutes later, Sirius and Remus came into the room. Remus had a slight blush on his face and was sporting something that looked suspiciously like a hickey.
Harry choked on the pumpkin juice in his mouth and coughed.
"You okay?" Sirius asked him, patting Harry on the back.
"Yeah, uh, just went down the wrong pipe," Harry coughed.
"Did you want to get dinner in the Great Hall or eat it here?" Remus asked, despite knowing the answer.
"Here, please, if we can," Harry said.
"Of course, we can," Sirius replied with a warm smile. "I'll ask the house elves for some food."
Harry nodded and took a seat. Remus sat next to him as Sirius called for a house elf.
"You did really well, today, Cub," Remus commented, pouring himself a glass of water.
"Thanks. You both were so helpful." Harry replied.
"Don't worry about tonight. And don't get frustrated if you don't get it right away. Remember when you learned your Patronus? That took you multiple times and this is a much harder branch of magic."
Harry nodded, "I'll try," he replied honestly. He knew that he could get frustrated with not understanding something right away, especially when it was Snape teaching him.
"Dinner is served," Sirius said, carrying three plates.
Harry ate some of his dinner, but as the meal went on he became more and more anxious, effectively curbing his appetite.
"Is that all you're going to eat, Cub?" Remus asked eventually.
Harry nodded, pushing the plate away.
Sirius Accio-ed a nutrition potion and Harry drank it, suppressing his shudder. There was another potion that was summoned and Harry questioned it.
"An anti-nausea potion," Remus explained.
Understanding washed over Harry's face and he drank it gratefully, not trusting his stomach.
Harry retreated to his bedroom after dinner, eventually joined by Padfoot.
At a quarter to 8, Remus knocked on Harry's door. "It's time, Cub."
Harry sighed. He hugged Padfoot one more time and buried his face in his fur for a moment, savoring the warm feeling he felt inside. Harry then got up, Padfoot trotting behind him before popping onto Sirius.
"Love you, Pup. We'll be here when you're done," Sirius reminded him, kissing him on the top of his head.
When Sirius released his godson, Remus nudged Harry out the door, shutting it softly behind them.
Remus walked mostly in silence besides some reassurances and affirmations. When they got to the door of the classroom Severus was meeting Harry in, Remus gave Harry a long hug.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Remus asked.
Harry's mind was screaming to tell Remus 'yes', but when Harry opened his mouth he heard himself say, "No, Uncle Moony, it's okay."
Remus looked like he wanted to argue, but swallowed his protest. "Alright, if you insist."
Harry didn't want to embarrass himself in front of his dad, either. His third year was bad enough when he fainted when learning his Patronus, so he couldn't even imagine the shame and humiliation he would feel as a 5th year.
Harry took a deep breath, looking at the door. He knocked and waited. This was it.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal