Author's Note: Trigger Warning for abuse, trauma, panic attack, self-harm, and excessive alcohol use. This is rather a lot but I promise you that this chapter really isn't graphic in any way. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please remember that you are so incredibly important and I am glad you exist. You are loved!
Also, I appreciate all reviews and I can handle criticism. I got a review that told me to unalive myself and I draw the line there. That isn't a review and hurtful. I am writing this story because I love Harry Potter and I have my own issues going on. Trust me when I say that I don't need anyone's help to bring myself down, I do that all on my own. I truly wish you peace.
To my lovely readers, thank you! You are one of the reasons I am here! All my love!
"Come in," A voice drawled from behind the door.
Harry swallowed his nerves and entered, shutting the door softly behind him.
"Take a seat, Mr. Potter," Severus said, gesturing to the chair in front of him.
Harry sat down and fiddled with his shirt sleeves, nervous.
"Tonight you will begin your lessons in the art of Occlumency. This is a challenging branch of magic, one that many grown adult wizards can not do. I do not expect a 5th year to be able to do it, but it is vital you learn and master it; you have no choice. I admit you do have a decent amount of raw magical ability that if you decide to use it productively, can assist you in this task." Snape said, ignoring Harry's discomfort.
Harry knew that that was the closest thing he would get to a compliment from the potions master. "Thank you, Professor,"
"Now, I will attempt to penetrate your mind and you will defend yourself. Legil-"
"WAIT!" Harry protested, standing up, effectively cutting off his professor.
Snape glared at Harry and stood up as well, towering over him. "What are you doing?" He hissed.
Harry shrunk under the gaze and sat back down, but still spoke up for himself. "I thought you were going to teach me or something. Are you really going to enter my mind right now?" Harry's heart beat faster. he wasn't ready for this. He just learned what he should do to clear his mind and what to focus on. He had no idea how to build a wall, or whatever he had to do. He also wasn't ready for Snape to see his memories. He didn't even know what it would be like.
"Yes, now," Snape hissed, clearly annoyed. That was the whole point of the lesson.
Harry looked stricken for a moment. Then, simultaneously, Harry said, "Please, no," and Severus said, "Legilimens!"
Harry felt a presence enter his mind and it was not a comfortable feeling. Memories flashed through Harry's mind, fueled by his emotions. One of his most recent traumas flickered through his mind.
"Kill the spare."
"I can touch you now."
"Bring my body back."
"You only have a moment, Harry."
Severus pulled out, obviously distraught at seeing Lily again. Harry was deathly pale and gripping onto the chair. His eyes were glazed over and he was shaking. Severus, unfortunately, did not notice this due to his own thoughts.
"Clear your mind. Legilimens!" Snape spat.
More memories flickered through Harry's mind. Due to the raw emotions and state Harry was in, this time the memory that came up was an old one, one that Harry had tucked away and unconsciously forgotten about. This particular incident happened about two months before he was rescued by Remus and Sirius.
4-year-old Harry was cooking breakfast at the Dursley home. He couldn't reach the stove so he stood on a small step stool. He still couldn't see everything correctly, but at least he could reach the knobs this way. He carefully flipped the bacon before hissing and pulling his arm away, being burned by the bacon grease. Little Harry ran over to the sink to run his arm under cold water. Harry let the water run over the burn, letting it cool the wound down. However, he couldn't let it sit there for much longer due to the smoke alarm going off. Petunia, who was at the table, got up and slapped Harry on the head.
"You freak! Look what you've done!"
Harry was already at the stove and had removed the pan from the burner. The bacon didn't look burnt, it was just smoky in the kitchen. Harry turned off all the burners on the stove, wanting the kitchen to clear up.
"Look at what you've done to our breakfast! You've probably woken Dudders up! Freak!" Aunt Petunia cried.
Harry looked down, "I'm sorry, Aunt Petunia. I'll fix it," Harry said softly, looking down.
"It's too late. Do you think bacon grease burns? I'll show you what a burn does!" Petunia snapped, grabbing Harry's hand.
Harry watch in absolute horror as his aunt grabbed his much-too-small hand and placed it on the still-hot burner.
Harry cried out and tried to remove his hand, but Petunia held it there.
Harry had never felt pain in his hand like this before. His uncle's beatings hurt very bad, but it wasn't his hand. Tears ran down his cheek as Harry cried, not being able to hold back.
Petunia removed his hand and quickly let go, wiping her hand on her apron. "Don't ruin our breakfast next time, Freak," She snipped.
Harry ran to put his hand under the cool water. He had it under there for maybe half a second before he was yanked away. He turned and it was his uncle who was almost purple in the face.
"BOY! I heard you ruined our breakfast!"
"I-I didn't mean to! I'm so sorry," Harry sniffed, clutching his burning hand near him.
Vernon grabbed the small boy and threw him across the room. He had already had a belt in his hand and hit Harry on the back a few times before throwing Harry in his cupboard.
"Think twice before you ruin a meal for us again, Boy!" Vernon snarled before shutting the small sliding door in the cupboard.
Harry silently cried, knowing that he shouldn't make a noise. Eventually, his tears soaked the pillow and he used that to place it against his hurt hand. Harry whimpered and cried until sleep came, wishing for a miracle.
"Please let me out of here. If anyone can hear me, please get me out," Harry whispered repeatedly as quiet as he could.
Sleep did take him over and Harry was finally able to relax as he clutched a worn and dirty stuffed stag with his good arm.
Severus pulled out as the memory faded. Even Severus, the king of stoicism, was taken aback by the cruel abuse that Harry suffered. He fought back the bile that was rising in his throat and the pure anger and disgust that was in his chest. Snape took a deep breath and turned his eyes on the chair Harry was in. Except, he was no longer in the chair. Severus moved his eyes down to where the once abused fifth year was shaking and curled up in a ball.
"Potter?" Severus tried, taking a step towards the boy. "Harry?" He tried again, a bit softer. Severus took a couple of steps towards Harry and reached his hand out, wanting to reassure him.
Harry, however, was deep in the throes of a traumatic flashback. All he saw was his uncle reaching toward him. With all the strength he had, Harry got up and ran out the door and into the hallway, fleeing as fast as he could.
Severus was frozen, not expecting that response, then swore and ran after the boy. Severus got to the hallway and saw Harry turning a corner, still frantically running away. Severus hurried to the hallway Potter went down and saw that he had disappeared. Severus swore again and quickly made his way to the Marauder quarters where he knocked on the door. The door opened immediately and Severus was face to face with a clearly worried Sirius Black.
"Severus? What are you doing here? Where's Harry?" Sirius asked frantically, Remus walking over to him.
"He ran off. A couple of memories came up. He seemed to stay in that memory and ran off."
Sirius ran to grab the map after the first sentence from the potions professor. Remus stayed, listening to what was said. "We will have to talk more about this later, but what memory was it that triggered him so badly?"
Severus sighed. "The first one was from the graveyard. The second one was from those wretched muggles. I think he mistook me as his aunt or uncle," Snape spat, clearly disgusted from the memory.
Remus was thrown back into the days when they first adopted Harry and rescued him. At first, almost every day Harry was skittish and wouldn't trust him. Almost anything threw him back into his trauma. It took a lot of time to help him and get him out of that state. It's probably been close to 7 or 8 years since this happened. However, as Remus very well knows as a Mind Healer, and anyone who knows anything at all about trauma and mental illnesses, trauma and PTSD do not play by any rules. They're ruthless and unforgiving.
Sirius was back to Remus and tried to throw himself out the door, but Remus stopped him.
"Thank you, Severus, for informing us. Would you mind waiting here while we locate Harry just in case he comes back?" Remus asked.
Snape was a bit confused. He didn't understand why he should have to wait here when he was perfectly capable of looking.
Remus seemed to read his mind and said, "We have a pretty good idea of where he is at, trust us."
Severus heard the almost pleading tone in the man's voice and took pity on him. "Alright," He drawled, stepping aside and letting Black loose.
Sirius hurried out, a piece of parchment and wand in hand. Remus gave Severus an apologetic and grateful smile before following his husband.
Snape stepped inside the cozy quarters, muttering something about 'bloody Gryffindors' and 'mangy mutts'. He saw his bottle of Firewhiskey and grabbed it off the shelf, taking a long swig of it as he sat on the couch. What a night this had turned out to be already.
Sirius had activated the map and he and Remus looked at it while trying to locate Harry, still walking fast. Remus found Harry first and pointed him out. This caused Sirius to quickly pop into Padfoot and run towards where Harry was. Remus shook his head at Sirius, but didn't couldn't blame him. He also wanted to get to Harry as soon as possible, he just had a bit more tact than Sirius did and wasn't about to pop into Moony.
Remus found Padfoot near where Harry was said to be on the map. Padfoot was sniffing around and looking around, but couldn't find anything. As Remus drew closer, Padfoot popped into Sirius and said, "I can't seem to find him. I know he's here. The map never lies and I can smell him. I just don't see him." Sirius said, clearly frustrated.
Remus would not change a thing about his husband and loved him dearly, but he was thankful at least one of them was able to think clearly in a situation regarding Harry. Remus looked carefully at the map and around the hallway. He took a deep breath, looked again, and then it hit him.
"Pads, the closet," he whispered.
Sirius quietly opened the closet. At first glance, there was no sign of Harry, but their animal hearing caused them to hear the very faint whimpers. They turned their heads and saw harry, curled up in the corner of the closet, doing anything he could to stay hidden.
Remus shut the door a bit, not wanting to alarm the frightened boy. "Sirius, secure the hallways," he told him, not wanting anyone to see what was going on. While it was after the younger years' curfew and it was nearing the older years' curfew, he was not about to take the chance that people would avoid this hallway and not break the rules. He was a marauder, after all.
Remus slowly opened the door, revealing Harry. Harry saw the light from the hallway this time and tried to further hide himself. "Please, please don't hurt me. I'll be good! I promise." Harry whimpered.
Remus got down on the floor and sat down. "Harry. Harry, it's me. Can you hear me? You are safe. You are loved."
Harry didn't respond to the noise, but Remus knew that sometimes Harry could hear him so he kept going. "Harry, it's Uncle Moony. You are safe at Hogwarts. No one is going to hurt you. You are safe," He said softly.
Sirius ran by behind him, securing the other side. He bit back a smile at the absurdity of the situation and realized that much, much later he would have to show Harry this memory to see Sirius acting hilariously worried.
"Harry, cub, you are safe," Remus tried again, reaching out his hand.
Harry whimpered as he saw the hand approach him, but couldn't move back any further. Remus laid on the ground completely now, just leaving his hand near Harry. "You're safe, Harry. You are safe. I'm not going to hurt you, see?"
Harry seemed to look at Remus and recognize his body language but did not say anything.
Sirius came back now and Remus, without taking his eyes off of Harry said, "Padfoot."
Sirius popped into the dog. He got as close as Remus was and allowed Remus to keep speaking gently to him. Padfoot slowly inched forward and always retreated when Harry seemed to respond negatively. Eventually, after about 45 minutes, Padfoot was able to nuzzle into Harry and land on his lap.
Harry at first didn't respond to Padfoot being on him but soon realized the weight on him, bringing him slowly back to reality. Harry clung to Padfoot as if it was his lifeline. Harry slowly but surely became more alert due to Padfoot and the soothing words being spoken to him. After a while, Harry blinked and hoarsely whispered, "Dads?"
"Yes, it's us, Harry. We're here. You're safe." Remus assured him, a relieved smile breaking out on his face.
Harry stayed there, petting Padfoot for a few more minutes, letting himself come back more to reality. Remus continued to talk softly to him at times, as well as allowing him to process in silence.
"We're at Hogwarts, Cub."
"You're safe."
"Dadfoot and I are here."
"I know you're scared and confused. That is okay. You are loved here. You are safe here. No one is going to hurt you."
Harry started to come out of his catatonic shell and started to move.
Padfoot gently got off of him and got out of the closet, popping back into Sirius. Harry crawled out and was helped up by Remus and Sirius.
"We'll talk about what happened in our quarters, let's get you there first."
Harry, who was still recovering, nodded. He felt cold and his head was all fuzzy.
Severus, meanwhile, was taking turns between sitting on the couch and pacing. He flipped through a few books but didn't have the patience. Where was this family?
A little over an hour later, Severus saw Remus open the door. "Where in the bloody hell were you?" Severus hissed, going over to the man.
Remus didn't reply and Severus was about to say something again before he saw Sirius and Harry enter the room. Severus paled seeing Harry look like he just fought off a pack of dementors. Remus helped Sirius and Harry into the room and then into Harry's bedroom where he then went out to see Snape.
"Thank you, for being here. We appreciate you waiting. Harry, when facing trauma, can sometimes bolt so we wanted someone to be there." Remus said.
Severus nodded but needed a further explanation. "What happened?"
Remus sighed, gesturing Severus to sit on the couch. "Harry was triggered by something he saw in your lessons. He, mentally, was back in that memory. He hasn't done that in 7 or 8 years." Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair. "He was in a closet, curled up in the corner. It took him an hour to be coaxed enough to come out. He still hasn't spoken to us."
Severus didn't think he could feel any more sympathy for the boy, but he did. He had no idea it was all this bad. How had he missed it when Harry was young all those years ago?
Remus saw Severus thinking and the annoyance coming off of his face and having regret replace it. Remus shifted his eyes and saw the now almost empty Firewhiskey bottle.
"I'll walk you back to your quarters, let me just tell Sirius," Remus said, bringing Severus out of his thoughts.
"That is not necessary, Lupin." Severus tried to deny it.
"I think it is," Remus said softly, his eyes shifting to the liquor bottle.
Severus paled but didn't say anything. He started to walk towards the door and opened it, Remus quickly joining him, seeing how he was going to escape.
Remus and Severus walked in silence for a while. Severus could stand the quiet walk and was happy to out-wait his opponent. However, Remus was a therapist and a Gryffindor, so the courageous man was bound to speak first, which he did.
"Thank you again for waiting there, Severus. I'm sure it was not easy for you, either, to see the memories revealed tonight. How are you coping?"
Severus almost snorted at the question but held back. The wolf was being sincere.
"I'm fine," he said curtly.
Remus stopped and raised an eyebrow, putting out his hand to stop Severus from walking. "Now, there has to be another word you can use."
"I'm not a patient, Lupin," Severus spat before pushing past his arm.
Remus took long strides and caught up with him. "No, but you are a friend and I'm sure what you saw was disturbing."
Severus bristled at the word 'friend' but didn't say anything about it. "I admit that the memories were rather unsettling and I am appalled at the abuse Potter had to endure. No one should have to live like that."
"Yes, he has seen and been forced to do some horrific things," Remus agreed.
"I may not like what I saw, but I am faring adequately."
"The bottle of Firewhiskey suggests otherwise," Remus pointed out.
Severus stiffened and stopped walking before starting to walk again. "I apologize. I will repay you for that."
Remus shook his head. "No, no. Please don't. That's not what I meant. I mean that I'm worried about you using the alcohol to deal with your feelings."
"I assure you, Healer Lupin, I do not have a problem. I admit I may have overindulged tonight, but I was rather bored and a bit disturbed at what I saw," Snape spat.
Remus didn't seem convinced, but he knew not to push it that much more. He was quiet for a moment before saying, "If you ever want to talk, my door is always open. No judgment and it's all confidential."
"Thank you," Snape forced himself to say.
They walked in silence the rest of the way to the dungeons when Snape said, "Please keep me aware of how Harry is doing. We can discuss how to proceed with the occlumency lessons another day."
"I will, thank you," Remus said, turning around to walk back.
"Ah, Lupin? Would you like to use the Floo?" Severus asked.
Remus turned around and smiled at the man. "I would, thank you."
As Severus shut the door behind the werewolf and walked him to the fireplace he said, "Why didn't we just use this in the first place?"
"It shouldn't be used when drinking too much. Thanks again, Severus." Remus smiled at the potions master and flooed away.
Severus scoffed at the incorrigible man and went to his kitchen, pouring himself another drink. He deserved one for putting up with their chaos.
Remus, once safely back in his quarters, secured the house by locking the door and shutting off the floo. He set a few nighttime wards and made his way to the kitchen. He made three mugs of hot chocolate and went to Harry's room where he saw Harry on his bed, petting Padfoot.
"Hey, Cub. I got some hot chocolate for us. Drink up." Remus said softly, levitating a mug to him.
Harry gratefully grabbed the mug and took a long sip. He's had more hot chocolate lately than he has in the previous 6 months combined. However, he wasn't opposed to the warm beverage that always left his insides feeling a bit better.
"What happened, Harry?" Remus asked after everyone had a chance to sip their drinks.
Harry sighed. He remembered going through all of this when he was little. It was so difficult to begin speaking about it then. While Harry hasn't had to face repressed memories in years, he remembered the process. He also knew that it was better to speak about it. He didn't like to talk about it, but Remus always helped him through it and both of his dads were great at reassuring him.
"It was the lesson," Harry began "I first saw flashes from the task. Then it was a memory I had totally forgotten about from before you and Dadfoot rescued me. I- I-" Harry cut himself off, taking a shaky breath.
"Take your time. You're okay." Remus assured his son.
Harry took another shaky breath and looked at Sirius. "C-can you be Padfoot? I'm so sorry it's just easier to talk when I have something to do with my hands I'm so sorry I-"
Sirius cut Harry off by gently grabbing his chin and tilting it up to meet his face. "Hary, you have no reason to apologize. I'm glad Padfoot helps you feel safe. I will do anything I can for you to feel safe. Never apologize for that. I love you, okay Pup?"
Harry nodded wordlessly and with a small 'pop', Padfoot was on the floor. He jumped up and curled up on Harry's lap. Harry ran his fingers through the fur of Padfoot, calming himself down. After a moment Harry was visibly calmed down and he started to speak again. "It must've been a couple of months before you rescued me. Do you remember my hand? You both asked me how I had that scar on my hand? And I didn't know?"
Remus nodded, urging Harry to continue speaking.
"Well, I think I found out. I was making breakfast for them and some bacon grease came up and splashed me. It burned, of course, but I went to put my arm under the water. When I did that the smoke alarm went off. Breakfast wasn't burnt or anything, it was just smoky. Well, Aunt Petunia did not like that. She said I had ruined breakfast and had woken Dudley up. She said that, that-"
Harry shuddered with the memory. He took a sip of hot chocolate and held onto Padfoot, putting his cheek in his fur. "She said that she'd show me what burns and put my hand on the stove burner. She held it there. When she released me, Uncle Vernon had come down. He hit me with his belt and threw me back in my cupboard."
Padfoot had stiffened when Harry was speaking and whined but didn't move, knowing Harry needed him.
Remus fought hard to keep his expression neutral. However, his face hardened and his encouraging smile became a small frown. Amber filled his eyes. He took some deep breaths and calmed himself down, the amber reducing to flecks and the occasional flash.
"You did not deserve that. You are important. You are worthy." Remus assured, knowing what Harry's thought process was.
Harry sat there, not saying anything. He moved his head from Padfoot but kept running his hands through the black fur.
"Dadfoot sets off the smoke alarm at least once a month. I would never, ever, ever do anything like that to him."
"Yeah, you just prank him instead," Harry said with a small smile.
Remus chuckled despite the serious nature of the conversation. "Yes, I do prank him sometimes. But it never hurts him." Remus added seriously.
"Yeah, I know," Harry added sadly.
"You should not have been cooking. You were a very young child. You did not deserve any of that. You are loved and worthy of kindness. You are safe now."
Harry nodded, soaking it all in.
"What happened when you left the room with Snape?" Remus asked after a moment.
Harry took a deep breath, summoning his Gryffindor courage. "I thought I was back there. I thought I was running from my aunt and uncle. In the closet, I thought I was in my cupboard. I was safe there."
Remus nodded, expecting this explanation.
"I didn't mean to run. I just had to get away," Harry added quietly.
"Oh Cub, we know. You're not in any trouble. We are so glad you are safe." Remus assured him.
"I know I'm safe here. I know they can't get me here. It was just so real and I thought I was back there. I was so scared."
For what seemed like the millionth time, Remus cursed the Dursleys in his head. "I know, Cub, I know. I'm so sorry."
Harry was quiet. He took another sip of his drink and kept his hand on Padfoot.
"What can we do for you?" Remus asked after several minutes.
Harry shrugged. "I don't want to be alone tonight. And I don't want to go to classes tomorrow. I just need a day." He admitted honestly.
Remus nodded. "Okay, for sure, Harry. We'll take care of it. Why don't you come to our bed tonight?"
Harry paused. He hadn't done that in a long time.
"Come on, Cub," Remus said softly, helping the boy up. Remus knew that Harry wouldn't be willing to admit he wanted to so he chose him. Sirius popped into himself and helped Harry to their bed. Remus transfigured his clothes into pajamas and tucked Harry into the bed. Remus lay on one side of Harry and Sirius lay on the other side. They told him stories and talked softly to him until he fell asleep.
Merlin, they loved their boy.
When Harry woke up the next day, Padfoot was curled on the foot of the bed, but Remus was no longer in sight. Harry woke up from a nightmare at one point in the night and when he awoke, his dads were right next to him, comforting him. Harry rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Mornin' Padfoot." He mumbled.
Padfoot slowly woke up and popped into Sirius. "Hey, Cub. How're you feeling?"
Harry shrugged. "I feel kinda foggy. Really worn out."
Sirius nodded. "That makes sense. When you had episodes like this when you were younger it wasn't uncommon for you to sleep for 12-18 hours. One time you slept for 20 hours straight." Sirius said with a smile.
"Is Uncle Moony working?" Harry asked.
Sirius nodded. "Yeah. He had some appointments today he didn't want to reschedule. If you need him I can, of course, get him."
Harry shook his head. "Oh no, I expected that. What about your classes?"
"Dumbledore is covering them today. I knew one of us needed to be by you and I wanted to be by you. Besides, you're way more fun than my class." Sirius smiled at him.
Harry gave him a weak smile in return and Sirius helped him up. "Come on, let's get you some breakfast. It's around 9 o clock right now."
Harry followed his godfather to the table. A cup of juice was placed in front of his seat and Harry took a long sip, thankful for something to soothe his scratchy throat.
"Careful, Pup. Take a breath," Sirius reminded him, bringing over a plate of food.
"What are we doing today?" Harry asked before grabbing a piece of toast.
"You're going to rest. You have some work from your missed classes today that you can do, too. Make sure your homework is done."
Harry groaned. "Anything good?"
Sirius cracked a smile, "We are going to build some more things with legos today. We'll go on a walk outside at one point. And Remus wants you in his office at 1."
"Why? He can just talk to me after work." Harry complained.
"You can take that up with him. I'm just the messenger." Sirius said, holding his arms up in surrender.
Harry sighed but didn't fight any further. He ate his breakfast and took his required potions before Sirius banished him to the sitting room to do his schoolwork. Harry had already finished the homework that was due today, but he worked on the stuff that was due tomorrow. When he finished that, it was nearing 11.
"Take a rest before lunch. I'll wake you up at 12." Sirius told him.
Harry didn't argue. He was exhausted and was not surprised to have Sirius waking him up in time for lunch. "It's lunchtime. Are you okay to get up?" Sirius asked him.
Harry nodded and followed his godfather to the kitchen where he ate lunch, but not as much as breakfast.
It only took him about 15 minutes to eat lunch so Sirius said, "Let's get your work for you to turn in. Then, we'll take a walk before you have to meet Uncle Moony."
Harry nodded his agreement. He went to the sitting room and rummaged around his parchment before sighing and just summoning all his homework. He didn't have enough patience for this.
Sirius chuckled and lead Harry out of the quarters. "Merlin, we did that so many times when we were your age. Especially in our dormitory, things got messy and mixed up. I swear, we would've failed if it weren't for that charm."
Harry smiled at his godfather. He also wanted to change the topic since he didn't want Sirius to get sad about missing his friends. "Where are we dropping off my homework? The classrooms?"
Sirius shook his head. "Nah, I'll just give it to them in the teacher's lounge."
Harry smiled at his special privilege and followed his godfather. They were near the staff lounge and Sirius dropped it off, Harry stayed back and waited a few minutes for Sirius to come out. Flitwick entered and gave Harry a smile and wave, which Harry returned. He wasn't in the mood for small talk and he was glad Flitwick didn't try to do it with him.
Sirius returned with his smile on his face and bounced out, Harry rushing to catch up. "Were they all there?" Harry asked, a bit anxious.
"Oh yes, they were all there. You're all good. They send their wishes and hope you feel better."
"That's nice."
Sirius slowed his pace as they got outside and so did Harry. They strolled in comfortable silence. Occasionally Sirius would pose a question or tell a short story, but for the most part, they walked in companionable silence. Harry didn't even seem to notice they were nearing his uncle's office. Sirius had to put his hand out in front of Harry and stopped him. "Thanks for the stroll, Pup," Sirius said kindly.
Harry blinked, realizing where he was. "Oh, I guess it's time. I didn't even notice."
Sirius walked into the waiting room with Harry. He softly knocked on the door, keeping a hand on Harry's shoulder.
Sirius could hear Remus getting up and walking to the door. He smiled as he opened it, seeing the two most important people to him.
"Ah, Harry. Good to see you." Remus turned to Sirius. "Hi, love," he said, then kissed his husband.
"I'll be back to pick you up when you're done. Just let me know, Rem." Sirius said, waving as he walked out the door.
"Come on in," Remus said, softly, holding his arm out.
Harry walked in a bit reluctantly. The first session was when Remus took him to one of the Black cottages. The other session he had was in their quarters as Harry was doing some Arithmancy homework. He hadn't been in his office for a session.
Harry nervously took a seat and watched as Remus sat down in front of him.
"How's your day been?"
Harry shrugged. He bit his tongue, wanting to say 'fine', but knowing his dad wouldn't accept that.
"What'd you do?" Remus asked, trying again.
Harry shrugged.
Remus took a deep breath and eyed Harry. "I need you to open up a little bit."
Harry sighed. "I did some homework and Dadfoot and I went for a walk. I also took a nap."
"That sounds nice," Remus commented, smiling.
Harry nodded, staying silent. Remus studied him and Harry withered under his gaze before sighing. "Why am I here?"
Remus just gave him a knowing smile. "Why do you think you are here?"
"Because of last night." Harry sighed again.
"How are you doing with it all? How does your body feel?" Remus asked.
"I told Dadfoot this morning that I feel kinda foggy. I feel a little better now."
"I'm glad."
Harry felt impatient. "Uncle Moony, we talked about most of this last night. I get I still need to talk about it more but you normally give me time to think about it more. Why else am I here? You tell me."
Remus gave Harry a small smile and shifted in his armchair. "Harry, my son, how does your arm feel?"
"It's fin-" Harry began to say before cutting himself off as he looked at his arm. He saw red scratches and the bandage was all messed up and twisted. "I hadn't even noticed it. Yeah, I guess it's bothering me. I didn't mean to do this Uncle Moony. I don't even know when I did!"
Remus gave Harry a small smile. "It's okay, Cub. It happened during your attack. I know you weren't aware of it. Your accidental magic broke the spell. I didn't want to add anything else to you yesterday. Nothing looked too deep so I just decided to wait until today. Let's chat and switch your bandages. You should only have to have them for another day, I think."
Harry watched as his uncle got up and grabbed a first aid kit out of a cupboard in his office. He set it down on the table in front of him and Harry held his arm out. Remus slowly and gently started to unwrap the bandage. Harry didn't realize how twisted he made it until Remus was undoing it. His skin was red and irritated from it.
"You're not in any trouble, you're okay," Remus said, sensing the uneasiness from the boy in front of him.
Harry watched as Remus cleaned his new wounds, only wincing a little. He added some ointment and some scar cream to his old ones before getting a new bandage to wrap them up.
"Thanks," Harry murmured as Remus finished, pulling his arm back.
"Of course, Cub," Remus said kindly, shutting the first aid kit.
"I need to reapply the spell to your hands; is that okay?"
Harry held out his hands and said, "Yes."
Remus muttered a few words and Harry watched as his fingernails glowed pink again and pulled them back when they turned back to normal.
"We're going to make some changes to your Occlumency lessons," Remus stated.
Harry was expecting that. "Like what?"
"Well before I say anything else, I need to tell you that I still need to talk to Professor Snape about this. We are meeting later this evening before dinner. However, one thing I can say for sure is that I will be with you during your lessons."
Harry squirmed nervously in his chair. He wanted someone to be with him but he also didn't want to embarrass himself.
Remus noticed Harry's movement and read his face. "Why are you uncomfortable? What are you thinking?"
"I don't want you to think less of me or think I'm weak. I'm not good at it." Harry admitted, looking down.
"Harry, I would never! I can't do this magic, either. I would never think you're weak or think less of you." Remus assured him vehemently.
Harry nodded, trying to believe what he was told.
"In addition, I want to change the day. You might need a day to recover from your lessons like you did today. I'm hoping we can do the lessons on Friday night or sometime on Saturday."
Harry opened his mouth to protest, but Remus stopped him.
"I don't want to take away your weekends forever, Harry. You'll get them back, I promise. Besides, right now you're with us anyway. This may change when you go back to your dormitory. How about we revisit the day then. Is that fair?"
"Yeah, that's fair," Harry agreed. He loved his weekends and wanted to have fun, but he wasn't with anyone except his parents anyway right now so practicing occlumency on the weekend wouldn't change much.
"We'll have to sort through everything from them, too. I want you to know that I'm here to help you, okay?"
Harry nodded. "I know. I may not like it but I remember how it was when all that stuff started popping up when I was younger. I remember our routine and how it all worked. That's easier to talk about and deal with, to be honest than my other stuff," Harry didn't feel like saying the words right now. He hated using words like 'self-harm' and especially 'cutting'. It made him feel very uncomfortable.
Remus didn't push him this time, knowing there was a lot of trauma and baggage Harry was carrying. Now was not the time.
"I get it. I won't make you talk about anything you don't want to right now. We still have our session on Thursday. Is there anything else you want to bring up?"
Harry thought for a minute. He didn't think there was anything pressing he had to talk about. He felt emotionally exhausted. "I don't think so."
Remus eyed Harry. "You seem tired, Cub. Why don't you lay down and take a rest? I'll sit at my desk and take some notes on some other patients."
Harry nodded his agreement and laid down on the comfortable couch. Remus put a blanket over him and Harry didn't have to wait long before he fell fast asleep.
Later on, when he woke up, he found himself in his own bed. How did he get there? Magic.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap