Author's Note: Warnings for mentions and descriptions of self-harm, passive suicidal ideation, bullying, and language. Please be safe! This chapter is really long so enjoy this treat! I have had a scene in my head for a while and apparently had some stuff to get off my chest. Please be safe and remember you are loved and SO needed!
Harry was not in a good mood on Monday. He woke up late and he was able to hurry down to the Great Hall for breakfast and it was already cold. He tried to shove in a few bites of porridge before someone showed him the Daily Prophet headline: One Year Later: Potter and His Lies with a picture of him from the first task. Harry shot up from the table and stormed out, ready to head to class. Harry's brooding was stopped, quite literally, by a crowd of people outside the great hall.
"Harry! Harry! Did'ya hear?" A voice called.
Harry went over to the voice, it was seventh-year Gryffindor and Quidditch Team captain, Angelina Johnson.
"What's going on?" Harry asked.
"The ministry banned Quidditch!"
"What?!" Harry asked incredulously.
"Well, all clubs." Katie Bell, another Quidditch team member said.
Harry was frozen before he realized what was going on. Harry saw red. Somewhere in his haze of anger, Harry heard Hermione say, "The ministry is still interfering at Hogwarts, even with Umbridge gone."
Harry couldn't even think straight. They had just had their meeting for the DA and he was finally able to play Quidditch again after not being able to last year due to the Triwizard tournament. That reminder sent Harry even further into his emotions.
Harry knew his fists were clenched and he felt himself storm his way into the Marauder Quarters.
Remus, who had forgotten a bag with some student essays for his class that he taught later on was also in the quarters. He saw Harry come through the door and said, "Hey, Cub. What're you-" Remus stopped talking, seeing Harry storm into the quarters, slamming the door shut, and head down to the room with the punching bag.
Remus' forehead creased in concern. He checked his watch. He had an appointment in 20 minutes, but Harry's class started in 5 minutes. Remus sighed. He set down the bag and sent a message to Sirius (with, of course, a precursor to set up a silencing charm and a password to relay the confidential part). Remus then opened the door to the lower room. He heard Harry grunting and cursing, murmuring phrases. As he entered the room he softly shut the door behind him. He went to the far wall and leaned against it, watching Harry.
"I'm fine!" Harry insisted through gritted teeth.
Remus' face hardened at the forbidden word but instead of reprimanding him, commented, "Clearly. Beating the punching bag within an inch of itself is totally typical behavior for you at 9 in the morning on a Monday."
Harry's eyes narrowed at the comment but he just kept punching it.
Remus was rather glad that Harry was taking his anger out on the punching bag and not himself, but that didn't mean he wasn't worried. This was a good alternative, but he could also see Harry trying to hurt himself with it (hence the padded room).
"I don't need a babysitter." Harry spat out, not making eye contact.
Remus didn't reply.
"I am just FINE!" Harry said, punching harder.
Remus didn't say anything, he just watched Harry.
Harry kept punching for several more minutes before he started to mutter as if Remus wasn't there.
"Taking away Quidditch... All clubs... just got started...it's not fair...stupid ministry...lying...he's back!... Cedric... not fair...secrets...gaslighting...IT'S NOT FAIR!" Harry finally screamed. Harry took off the boxing gloves to start hitting the punching bag with hair bare hands, but it immediately disappeared. Harry went to the padded wall and started hitting it instead for a few moments before sliding down the wall, crying.
Remus gave him a moment before going over to him and sitting next to him.
Harry had his head in his hands and was crying out of anger and frustration. He eventually stopped his crying but kept his head in his hands.
Remus looked at him and asked, "Harry, what's wrong?"
"What isn't?" Harry mumbled, feeling overwhelmed with the news of the morning.
Remus sat there quietly, letting Harry speak when he was ready.
"I didn't sleep well, well, you know that, and then I overslept. Then I got to the Great Hall and there was an article about me telling lies and talking about the first task from last year."
Harry clenched his hands and took some deep breaths, calming himself down before continuing. Remus, too, had to take some breaths to keep himself calm.
"Then, Shoutz, well, the ministry really, banned all clubs, including Quidditch," Harry finished.
Remus had calmed down and put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Cub, that is a rough morning. I am so sorry."
Harry shrugged but appreciated the validation.
"What can I do for you?" Remus asked.
"Nothing, I'll be okay. I just needed to get it out of my system." Harry quietly replied after a moment.
Remus turned his body so he was studying Harry's face. "Harry, you don't look like you'll be okay. Why don't you stay with Dadfoot today? Or your Granddad?"
Harry shook his head and plastered on a fake smile. "I was angry, but it's going to be okay. Besides, I'm never alone anyways. You'll see me later."
Remus' eyes narrowed. He knew Harry was faking.
Harry saw the look on his uncle's face and quickly backpedaled. He let some emotion show on his face and said, "Look, you're right; I'm not alright at this moment. However, I just want to distract myself. Me sitting alone being watched isn't going to help the situation."
Remus' face softened. He wasn't completely convinced but he did understand what Harry was saying. "Alright. I see where you are coming from. If something else happens, however, or you feel unsafe, you get one of us immediately, do you understand?"
Harry nodded at his dad. "Yes, Uncle Moony, I do."
Remus smiled at him. "Good. Now, I'm going to write a pass for you for Professor Snape. He shouldn't give you any trouble when he reads this. Tell him it's the same password."
Harry followed his uncle up the stairs and to where he set his bag down. Remus grabbed a spare sheet of parchment, wrote a note, charmed it, and handed it to Harry.
"Remember, Harry, please get me if you need me."
"Okay, Uncle Moony," Harry said. He grabbed his bag, potion materials, and went out the door.
Remus sighed, looking at where Harry left. He then picked up his bag and began walking to his office, deep in thought. He saw how angry and upset Harry was. He was rather glad Harry picked a coping strategy that didn't hurt him, but what worried him was that Harry looked so tired when he left for potions. He didn't just seem physically tired, but emotionally tired as well. He knew he had a nightmare and everything that happened this morning was rather upsetting. Remus hoped that Harry wouldn't have anything that would dramatically upset him for the rest of the day because he could see where Harry was. Things were becoming too much and Harry was on the edge. As much as he wanted to keep him with an adult all day, he knew he couldn't do that. Harry asked to be distracted and Remus allowed that. He couldn't just keep Harry to himself every time he might be triggered. However, Remus sensed that something was going to happen. Something was missing in Harry's recovery and he had a feeling he was going to find out sooner rather than later. He just hoped Harry would be alright.
Harry quickly got to potions, trying to push the distressing memories from this morning from his mind. He tried to quietly enter the potions classroom, but, of course, he was noticed.
"Mister Potter, I'm glad you finally joined us." Snape sneered.
Harry held back a flinch and bit back a comment. Snape had explained to him the previous afternoon that it was a role and he had to do and say things like this, but it still hurt a bit.
Harry quickly set down his materials and walked up to his professor, holding out a note. "It's the same password as before," Harry whispered.
Snape eyed Harry and the note before turning around and once again tapping the note with his wand. Admittedly, Snape read through the note more than once, trying to digest the information.
Severus-
Please excuse Harry for his tardiness. Some distressing events happened this morning. Harry was coping with them in a healthy way and I was supervising. I am rather worried about him right now, more than usual. He seems exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. Please be aware of his state today. Make sure he has someone with him when he leaves class. We will talk more later.
Thank you,
RL
Severus incinerated the note when he was done and turned back to the raven-haired teenager standing in front of him expectedly. "Get started, Mr. Potter. The instructions are on the board. Use page 74 in your textbook as well. You have less time than everyone else so I suggest you get started."
Harry was pleasantly surprised to be let off that easy but didn't question it. Harry was able to miraculously finish his potion in time. He was able to work alone which was a huge help in getting things done in time because he didn't have to monitor anyone else. At one point he could have sworn that Draco was throwing something in his cauldron, but there seemed to be almost a shield around it.
Harry was able to bottle his potion just as class was finishing up. It certainly wasn't an O, but he was hoping for an E and fully expected an A. He grabbed his stuff and ducked out of the classroom, hurrying to put his potion stuff away.
Harry thought he had gotten away, but Ron had found his side.
"Hey, Mate. How did the potion go?" Ron asked, working hard to keep up with Harry.
"Fine, I guess. Man, I'm glad Snape even let me do it since I was late."
"I thought he was going to skin you alive! That note must've said something good." Ron commented.
Harry shrugged, "I wasn't able to read it. It had a password. I'm grateful for whatever it is."
Harry and Ron were almost at the stairs to get to the Marauder Quarter to set Harry's supplies down, but then they were cornered by Slytherins.
"Malfoy, just let us by," Harry said tiredly.
"For what? Why would I miss this opportunity?" Draco asked snidely.
"Malfoy, leave us alone," Ron said, wanting to protect Harry.
"I read the Prophet this morning. I'm glad they got some of the news right for once." Malfoy said.
Harry ignored him, trying to get past Draco. He didn't have the time or energy for this.
"It may be the anniversary of the first task, but I've been thinking a lot about the third task." Draco was still taunting Harry who was stuck where he was by Draco's cronies.
Harry stiffened, not wanting to be reminded of any task, especially that third one.
"The third task could've been much better." Draco began, looking into Harry's face.
Harry didn't reply. He clenched his fists, trying to avoid Draco's face.
"I would've really enjoyed it if Cedric was the one who made it back alive and you died. We'd all be much better off."
All of the color drained from Harry's face. He was frozen for a moment, the words paralyzing him. When he came to his senses, Harry bolted. He dropped everything he was holding and ran. He heard someone call his name and then a commotion, but he didn't stop. Harry found himself running to the Gryffindor Quarters. Since there were classes going on there was no one in the common room. Harry continued to make his way up the stairs and to the 5th year bathroom. He shut and locked the door before sitting on the top of the toilet, panting.
Harry didn't know why he decided to come here. He felt a few tears leak from his eyes and then he looked up. The tears dried and a calm and somewhat detached look came over Harry's face. His eyes zeroed in on something on the sink. Harry's movements almost became robotic. Harry felt his legs walk towards the sink and pick up a muggle razor, the same one he saw last week. He put it on the ground and stomped on it, breaking the plastic from the metal. Harry pocked some of the sharp plastic and a few bits of the actual razor. He threw anything not needed away and grabbed one of the blades. Harry sat down on the floor, eyeing the metal. His eyes glossed over as he thought back to what Malfoy said. Harry's brain took over.
He's right, you know. Cedric should be here, not you.
You just cause trouble.
You have so much pain going on right now. It'd just be easier to let go.
You deserve this. You deserve pain.
Your blood brought Voldemort back.
Harry looked down and saw that as the thoughts were cycling through his head, he had made slashes on his arm. Harry sighed and relished the feeling of the release. He brought the blade to his arm, making a few more cuts. He had a small smile on his face. He felt so relieved. He had been fighting so hard and right now he didn't have to fight anymore. He went to make another cut before he heard a voice.
"I think 20 points is rather a lot for forgetting a book, don't you?" Harry heard Seamus say.
"At least he's letting us get them," Neville replied.
Harry froze. He wasn't expecting anyone to be here.
"Might as well use the loo while I'm here," Seamus said, trying the door. It was locked.
"Oi! Who's in there?" Seamus asked.
Harry pocketed the blade and stood up, abruptly opening the door.
"Harry?" Seamus asked, confused.
"Er, sorry. I had forgotten something and I used the loo while I was here. Uh, gotta go." Harry mumbled, escaping the room. Harry hurried away as fast as his legs would take him without running. He wanted to get away, fast, but not bring any extra attention to himself.
Neville was rather concerned, but couldn't say anything to Harry with Seamus there.
Seamus entered the bathroom and did his business before coming out and going, "Oi, Neville! Someone has broken my razor! Me mum's gonna kill me! They're not easy to get in the magic world!" Seamus said, clearly irritated.
Neville felt his heart skip a beat. "What?" He asked, wanting to make sure that he was hearing his roommate the right way.
"Yeah, come look. There are pieces of the plastic in the bin!"
Neville hurried in and looked. He even put his hand in to see if he could find pieces of the blades. He could not.
"What're you doing that for?" Seamus asked, a bit disgusted.
"I gotta go. You get back to class and tell the professor that I had to leave for an emergency."
"Neville?" Seamus asked, clearly confused.
"Don't ask. I-I'll try to tell you more later. Just do it, okay?" Neville asked, already heading towards the door.
"Uh sure, yeah," Seamus said, shrugging and grabbing his book to head to class.
Harry, meanwhile, had found a bathroom a bit away from the classrooms. He had hoped no one would find him there as he locked the stall door and brought his feet up. He pulled out the blade and pulled up his sleeve, continuing what he was doing before.
Neville had run from the dormitory to Lupin's office. He slowed down a bit around other people and professors. Luckily, he just looked like he was late for class and nothing more. As he approached Remus' office he went to the door and pounded on it.
Remus was in a session but knew that anytime anyone knocked like that, it was serious. Remus excused himself and then went to the door. He set up a silencing charm and took a step out of the door, almost shutting the door behind him.
"Professor Lupin!" Neville exclaimed, out of breath.
Remus' face was creased with worry. "Neville, are you okay? Take a breath. What's going on?"
"Harry!" Neville panted.
Remus' face darkened. "What do you mean?"
Neville took a breath before saying, "Seamus and I forgot our textbooks and our professor sent us back to get them. While we were there, Seamus had to use the loo but the door was locked. Harry was in there, looking flustered and then he hurried out. Seamus went in after him and noticed that his razor was broken and trashed. I looked around, even in the trash, and I couldn't find the blades. Professor, I think he's hurt himself." Neville told him, half-whispering the last sentence.
Remus' eyes flashed amber, and then he let out a controlled breath. "Thank you, Neville. You may go back to class now. Here's a pass." Remus said, pulling a slip out of his cardigan pocket. "I'll check in with you later," Remus added, eyeing the Gryffindor.
Neville seemed unsure but did as the professor said and hurried out.
Remus took another deep breath before entering his office again.
"I'm sorry, Matilda. It appears an emergency has come up. Are you okay to reschedule?"
The dark-haired Ravenclaw smiled at him. "Of course, Professor. I was almost done anyway."
Remus smiled gratefully at the girl as she picked up her bag. "Do you need a pass?"
She shook her head. "Nope! I have class soon, but not now. Thanks so much, Professor!" She said, smiling as she bounced away.
Remus thanked anyone who would listen that she wasn't a serious case and could be rescheduled. He would have to thank her again later. Remus shut the door behind her, locking it, and then went to his desk where he hastily opened up a piece of parchment.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," Remus muttered quickly.
"We need to make one just for Harry," Remus muttered again as the map was activated, checking all the footprints in the castle.
He checked the Gryffindor common room. Nope.
He checked the class Harry would be in. Nope.
He checked the Marauder Quarters. Nope.
Remus then started at his office and looked around it. Bingo.
Harry was in a bathroom. His dot wasn't moving, which worried Remus. He cleared and closed the map before putting it in his bag, flinging it over his shoulder, and hurrying out the door. Remus put a sign on his door, letting anyone who came here know that he was away for an emergency and that they would be contacted if they had a scheduled appointment. Anyone else could leave their name in a locked and charmed box by his door and if it was an emergency there were names of professors they could contact. Remus locked his door and hurried away.
Remus was familiar with that bathroom and he wondered if Harry chose a bathroom near him on purpose or accident. He didn't really ponder it, however, due to his concern for his son.
As Remus was nearly there, a familiar face caught up with him. "Are you going to who I think you're going to?"
"Sirius, what have you heard?" Remus asked. He almost stopped in surprise but kept walking. He knew he needed to get to Harry.
"A student came and told me there was a fight. Harry wasn't in it, but it was about him." Sirius explained.
Remus' face became more concerned. "I didn't know about that," he murmured.
"Why are you going to Harry, then? Where even are you going to?" Sirius asked, working hard to keep up with Remus.
Remus sighed but explained. "A student came to me and told me there was reason to believe Harry is hurting himself. I checked the map and I'm headed to his location."
Sirius swore quietly and kept up with Remus. "What do you want me to do?"
Remus and Sirius approached the bathroom where Harry was and Remus stopped and looked at Sirius. "I want you to stay here." Sirius opened his mouth to argue but Remus put up a hand to silence his protest. "I need you to keep watch and I need you to let me do my job. I'll call you if and when I need you." Remus said seriously before turning around and going into the bathroom.
"Hello? Is anyone in here?" Remus asked. He didn't see any other person when he checked the map, but he wanted to be sure.
There was no response.
Remus went to all the stalls and opened them a bit before coming to one that was locked.
"Harry? Are you in there?"
Once again, no response.
"Harry, I'm going to open the door if you don't. I want to make sure you're alright."
Remus knew Harry was in there because he could smell Harry's scent and the scent of blood.
A small whimper came from behind the door, causing Remus to promptly open the door.
Remus was met with Harry, crouched on top of the toilet. He was clutching a blade and had cuts running down his left forearm. Harry was still conscious and very aware of what was going on. He saw Remus' face and stared at him for a minute before glancing away.
"Harry, what's going on?" Remus asked softly, crouching down.
Harry didn't reply. He hopped off of the toilet and sat down against the wall, still not making eye contact with Remus.
Remus followed his godson over to the wall and sat down diagonally from him. He allowed silence for a minute, not wanting to spook Harry in any way. He knew he wasn't in his right mind right now.
Harry's mind was going a mile a minute. He was thinking about how he was caught and what would happen and also what events led to where he was right now. Harry unconsciously brought the blade to his arm again and Remus stopped him, catching his arm.
"Harry, you need to give me the blade or I am going to take it from you."
Harry thought about this. He did not want to give it up, but he knew that he had more tools in his pocket and didn't want Remus to summon or vanish those, too.
Harry sighed and handed Remus the blade.
"Thank you," Remus said, taking it and vanishing it.
Harry just huffed and looked away, bringing his arm close to him
"I'm not going to force you to talk right now, but I do need to take care of those cuts," Remus said, worried about Harry's safety.
Harry looked at him with big eyes and frantically shook his head. "No way. No way!" Harry forcefully said, finally speaking.
"Okay, okay," Remus said softly, putting his hands up. "Can I at least look at them? I won't do anything to them without telling you first."
Harry eyed Remus warily before slowly bringing his arm away from his body and turning it towards Remus.
Remus leaned it, looking at the damage Harry did. He went to put his hands on Harry's arm, just to turn his arm a bit, and said, "May I?'
Harry gave a short nod and looked away.
Remus tenderly held Harry's arm and turned it, appraising the cuts.
"Harry, some of these cuts are rather deep. With the blade you used I'm afraid some might become infected as well. I don't want you to get sick." Remus explained.
Harry yanked his arm away and held it towards him. "No. There's no point, anyway. It doesn't matter."
An alarm went off in Healer Lupin's mind with those words, but he kept his expression neutral.
"Harry, of course, it matters. You matter. I don't want you to get sick or have something happen to you." Remus said softly.
"It doesn't matter! Nothing matters!" Harry said, a few angry tears welling up in his eyes.
Remus took a deep breath and thought for a moment before saying. "If I'm understanding you correctly, you don't want your cuts healed, correct?"
Harry gave Remus a look that said, 'well, duh.
"Alright then. As a healer and therapist, I would respect your wishes, but I would have to bring you down to Madame Pomfrey."
Harry's eyes became large with fright.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to do that," Remus said, calming the boy down.
"I am, however, going to lean into my role as your dad-uncle-healer-therapist. You have had some benefits and now it's my time. I'm not going to force you to have these cuts healed. I am, however, going to put some antiseptic on them and some bandages. I don't want them getting infected. That becomes nasty. I also want to slow the blood flow."
Harry thought about this. He may not want them healed, but he knew that he had made that agreement with his uncle and he had to follow through. "Okay," Harry complied, once again slowly putting out his arm.
Remus started to grab things from his bag and set them out before looking at Harry again. "Some of this is going to sting. Can I please have Dadfoot come in so one of us can hold your arm and the other can apply it?"
Harry was in the state of not caring. He felt so tired. Harry also knew Dadfoot would find out eventually. This was too big a deal to keep quiet.
"Okay," Harry said again, stoic.
"Sirius," Remus called louder than he had been talking.
Sirius came running. "How can I help?"
"I need you to place these antiseptic pads on Harry's arm above his cuts and then roll the bandages over them. Harry does not want them healed right now so we aren't doing that. We are, however, making sure that they don't get infected and slow the bleeding some."
Concern and worry gathered on Sirius' face. He took a deep breath before sitting down next to Remus. He put a neutral expression on his face, the same one he had learned to put on his face when tending to Remus. He saw what Remus had laid out and started to unwrap the antiseptic pads. "Hey, Pup. I'm going to place these on your arms. We don't want the cuts to become infected. This will probably sting, okay?" Sirius explained softly.
Harry gulped. He could handle pain when he was dueling and protecting someone or when he was inflicting it on himself, but it was a whole other ballgame when someone was doing it to him (and it wasn't a duel, protecting someone, or against any sort of Death Eater).
Remus firmly, but gently, grasped Harry's arm and held it straight for Sirius.
Harry felt the cool antiseptic pads on his arm, but that didn't even last a second before the stinging started. It was more than a sting, it was like a burn.
Harry's reflexes tried to yank his arm away, but Remus' grasp never wavered.
"You're doing really well, Cub. Take some deep breaths," Remus encouraged softly.
Harry gritted his teeth and turned away. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to lean into the pain rather than fight it.
It did not take long for Sirius to finish putting the pads on and then he started wrapping a clean bandage around Harry's arm, keeping the pads in place and attempting to slow the bleeding.
When Sirius was done he said, "All done, Pup. You did really well."
Remus released his hold on Harry and Harry swiftly brought his arm back to him, pulling his sleeve down. Harry kept his eyes on the floor.
Remus looked at Harry and said, "I am not going to make you talk Cub. I do want to get you out of this loo. My office is right by here. We can go there and sit. It's got to be better than these floors."
"I don't care," Harry said through gritted teeth.
"Harry, someone can come in this bathroom. It's not private. My couch is much more comfortable."
Harry sighed. He hated this. "Fine," he spat, trying to get up. Harry was not expecting to be dizzy, however. Luckily, Remus and Sirius both had firm grips on Harry and helped him stand and steady himself.
"Perhaps a blood replenisher as well," Remus stated. While he phrased it like a suggestion, Harry knew that it was more like a statement or command.
Harry was guided out of the bathroom and to Remus' office. Sirius had a firm grip on Harry's shoulder and Remus had a strong hand on Harry's back. Harry kept his eyes down and didn't say anything.
When they approached the office, Remus had silently told Sirius to hang back in the waiting area. Remus led Harry inside and sat him down on the couch. He went to a cabinet and pulled out a vial.
"Blood replenisher potion. Drink it, please."
Harry glared at Remus in response.
Remus sighed and crouched down, looking at Harry in the eyes. "If it was up to me, you'd take more than one. I'm only giving you one so you can stay conscious. If you're unconscious that means you'll be seen by Madame Pomfrey and medical decisions are made by Dadfoot and myself. I am guessing you want to stay in control of your body right now."
Harry didn't respond with words, but grabbed the vial and threw it down his throat. No way in heck did he want any of that to happen.
Remus smiled at him gratefully and thanked him before vanishing the vial. Remus waved his wand a few times in the office. Harry didn't know what they did, but he was guessing some protection charms on it (which is exactly what he did).
"I'm going to check with Dadfoot. One second, Harry." Remus said.
Harry didn't respond but shifted his eyes away.
Remus walked to the door and set a silencing charm by Harry. He opened the door to talk to Sirius but made sure he kept a foot in the door and could see Harry out of the corner of his eye.
"Sirius," Remus said, clearing his throat.
Sirius stopped his pacing and went over to his husband. "What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know what Harry's comfortable with right now. I'm going to give him the choice. If you're in there, though, you're in there as Padfoot unless Harry states otherwise. Just wait right here right now and I'll get you after I ask Harry. I'm going to try to talk to him a little bit before I ask him."
Sirius nodded, understanding. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
Remus gave his husband a small smile. "Take some deep breaths. Have some water or tea. We'll be okay." He assured him.
Sirius gave Remus a grateful smile. "I love you. Thank you,"
"I love you, too." Remus replied before going back into the office and shutting the door. he took down the silencing charm and made his way to his armchair. He sat down and studied Harry. He allowed there to be silence for a minute or two before speaking up.
"Harry, can we talk about what happened?"
Harry shook his head.
"Alright. Can we talk about what led up to that event?"
Harry shook his head again.
"That's okay. Is there anything you do want to talk about?"
For a third time, Harry shook his head.
"Okay. We can sit here if that's what you're comfortable with." Remus said, kindly.
Harry did exactly that. It probably took him 3 minutes before he started to feel overwhelmed again. Tears formed in his eyes and Harry tried to blink them back. He felt trapped in this room. He didn't want to be here and Remus was forcing him. "I don't want to be in here!" Harry stated, wiping at the tears that escaped from his eyes.
"Is there another room or place you'd like to be instead?" Remus asked calmly, giving Harry the option.
Harry groaned. "No! I just don't want to be in here with you. I just want to be by myself. I just want to be alone!"
Remus nodded. "I hear you and I understand what you're saying. I don't want you to feel trapped in here. If you think of a better place to be, let me know. Right now, however, I know that this is a safe place for you and I don't want you alone right now." Remus explained in his calm voice.
"It's fine!" Harry shouted, throwing his arms up.
"No, Harry. You hurt yourself. I love you and care about you. I don't want you harmed anymore than you already are."
"It doesn't make a difference, though!" Harry spat back.
Remus sensed Harry would finally start talking and remained silent, wanting the distraught boy to speak.
"No matter what happens, I'll still have to be hurt! I have to fight Voldemort! I have things to do, Uncle Moony! I will still get hurt!"
Remus nodded silently before speaking. "That's true, Harry. You're right. Part of my job, however, is making sure you stay as safe as you can. Right now the battle isn't with Voldemort, but with yourself."
Harry swallowed thickly at Remus' words, thinking of the truth with them. After a moment he shook his head. "It doesn't matter."
"What doesn't matter?" Remus prompted him.
Part of Harry really wanted to stay silent, but his anger and urge to explain himself won. "It doesn't matter if I'm hurt! I deserve it! I'll be hurt anyway. Besides, it helps."
"Harry, you don't deserve pain. Ever. Also, we've talked about things you can do instead of hurting yourself."
Harry felt his anger go over the top now. He stood up and shouted, "IT DOESN'T MATTER! IT DOESN'T MATTER! IT DOESN'T HELP!"
Remus stayed impeccably calm and asked, "What doesn't help?"
"THE BLOODY OTHER THINGS! WHY THE BLOODY HELL SHOULD I STOP HURTING MYSELF?! IT'S NOT HURTING ANYONE! THERE'S NO BLOODY GOOD REASON TO STOP!"
Ah, Remus thought, there it is. There's the missing link.
Harry, once he realized what he had said, collapsed on the couch, crying.
Remus went over to Harry and Harry threw himself in his shoulder, sobbing.
"You're okay. You're safe. You are enough. You are loved." Remus murmured softly into Harry's ear, soothing his son.
When Harry quieted down he stayed on Remus' shoulder, savoring his scent and affection before pulling away. "Sorry." He murmured.
"No apology necessary. I rather enjoy being near my son." Remus said, smiling at Harry.
Harry sniffed and wiped his face with his sleeve.
"Now, Harry, let's talk about what you just said."
Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He turned his gaze near Remus but didn't look right at him. Harry wasn't ready for that yet.
"You said that you can't think of a reason to do something else. Would you like to explain more or do you want me to guess?" Remus asked. He didn't want Harry to retreat inside himself and wanted to make this a therapeutic experience for him rather than a traumatic one. Merlin knows he has had enough of those to last a lifetime.
"You," Harry murmured.
"Alight. Tell me if I understand you correctly."
Harry nodded, following along.
"You feel as though there is nothing that makes you feel like you do when you harm yourself. Nothing gives you that relief."
Harry nodded, his uncle was right so far.
Remus continued. "In your mind, you don't see a reason to stop because you feel as if there are no consequences to hurting yourself except the immediate pain, correct?"
Harry nodded again. This time he was looking at Remus, his mouth slightly agape because he was so shocked Remus put it into words.
Remus smiled knowingly at Harry. "Remember, my love, I know what you're thinking. I did this, too. I also am a mind healer and Hogwart's therapist. I have handled this a few times."
Harry blushed and shifted his eyes away, but also felt a bit upset at those words. "But no one is me. No one else has to face Voldemort!"
Remus nodded. "You're absolutely right. And every single person has their own unique feelings and situations. I'm not saying you're the same as anyone else. I am saying that you're not alone in your struggles. And I can think about my own experiences to try to relate to you. I'll never know exactly how you feel because I'm not you, but I can empathize."
Harry felt the small bit of anger he had, deflate, and he nodded.
"Now, can I address those thoughts you have?"
Harry nodded, fiddling with his sleeves.
Remus took note of this but didn't say anything. He wanted to talk to Harry about this before he brought Padfoot in.
"Harry, I know you think that there's no harm done when you hurt yourself, but there is."
Harry looked at Remus, confused.
"Besides the pain and visual scars you have, there are other effects and risks. You can get an infection from whatever you're using to hurt yourself. You can also really damage your hand and hurt your mobility. If you cut too deep you could easily hurt a bone, muscle, or tendon. That's not good, especially for wizards. You know that sometimes you use both hands for magic."
Harry nodded, agreeing with Remus.
"That brings me to the next point, it affects your magic levels. All injuries, especially self-inflicted ones, hurt our magic levels. Eventually, they can go back up, but it takes a while. If someone sustains too many injuries in a row or is being hurt repeatedly over a long period of time, their magic is permanently affected. It's a part of us magical folk. We have to nurture it and take care of it like any other part of our body."
"I-I didn't know that," Harry commented quietly.
Remus nodded, "Most people don't. I don't want you to hurt your magic level or have decreased magical reserves."
Harry gasped, sitting up. "Do you think I already have lowered my magic level?'
Remus shook his head. "Oh, no, Harry. It would be longer than a few months, but I don't want you to get that far."
Harry nodded, calming down.
"I hate to add this part, but I feel like I should," Remus added seriously.
Harry took a deep breath, readying himself for whatever Remus was going to say.
"You've mentioned Voldemort and your fight against him. That's true. You have an important part in this war. You are not alone in this, and I want you to remember that. Your role, as I said, is important. When that time comes, I want you to be the very best you can be. I don't want your magic to be any lower than it has to or have your reserves any lower than they have to be. I want you at your very best."
"That makes sense," Harry said. That wasn't bad. It was reality and Harry was used to that.
"Your life has purpose and value far beyond beating Voldemort. However, I would be remiss if I didn't say that that is an important part of your life and I want you at your best for it. Your life has value, Harry."
Harry teared up and sniffed, not wanting to comment on that.
"Besides, you should be at your best any time. I've told you before that our best looks different from day to day, but I want your best to be its best. I know when you're practicing a duel you don't want your magic to be less than your best, am I right?"
"Of course!" Harry said, agreeing with him.
"I know that harming yourself is a hard habit to break and I am here to help you with it. I also know that there are very real reasons why you must work to find other coping strategies. Does that make sense?"
Harry nodded, "Yeah, it does. I never thought of any of that before."
Remus smiled. "I'm always here for you."
Harry nodded.
"Now, before we talk any more, do you want Sirius or Padfoot in here? it's completely up to you." Remus offered.
"Padfoot. it helps when I do something with my hands." Harry answered honestly.
Remus gave Harry a small smile. "I can see that. Let me get him, one moment."
Remus opened the door and gestured to Sirius. "Padfoot only. You are not to interfere, understand?"
Sirius nodded and popped into Padfoot before bounding into the room and jumping onto Harry's lap.
Harry smiled and started to run his hands through Padfoot's fur.
"Harry, are you ready to talk about what happened now?" Remus asked after settling down in his armchair again.
Harry looked down but then he looked up, taking a deep breath. "So I already told you about this morning with The Prophet and the ban on all clubs and Quidditch."
Remus nodded, encouraging Harry to continue.
"I felt pretty angry and then I felt really tried. I didn't really want to put up with anything anymore. I went to potions and it was alright. Oh, yeah! Whatever you wrote in that note to Snape really worked!"
Remus smiled at Harry, happy it helped.
"I left potions and Ron was with me and then Draco and other Slytherins cornered us."
Harry grew quiet, looking down.
"What happened, Harry?" Remus asked softly.
Harry took some breaths, raking his hands through the fur of Padfoot.
"H-He taunted me about the Prophet. What really upset me was what he said about the last task." Harry responded quietly.
Remus saw his son breaking down and working hard to keep it together. He got out of his seat and went near Harry, putting his hand on his arm.
"You're safe here and you're not alone." Remus reminded him.
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. "He told me that the third task would have been better if Cedric had won and I had died."
Padfoot stiffened and growled, but a hand from Remus quieted him.
Remus was quiet, giving Harry respect (and calming himself down as well, let's just be honest) before he replied. "Harry, that is not true whatsoever. Cedric's death is a tragedy and something you could not have prevented. You escaped with your life, barely. Cedric's life had worth. Your life has just as much value."
Harry didn't say anything. He understood what his uncle said, but didn't necessarily agree with it.
"Did you hear me, Harry?"
Harry nodded.
Remus seemed to understand what Harry was thinking. "We'll work on it together."
Harry nodded.
"What happened after Draco said those lies?" Remus asked.
"I ran away."
"I heard there was a fight," Remus commented.
"That must have happened when I ran away. I don't really know, though. I sort of blocked everything out."
"That's understandable. Where did you go?"
"I went to my dorm bathroom. I didn't really know why but when I was there I saw a razor. I-I don't really know what came over me. I broke it and used the blade." Harry said so quietly it would've been undetectable if it weren't for their animalistic hearing.
Remus nodded, listening intently to Harry.
"Then I heard voices. Seamus tried the door. I opened and panicked and I ran away. I don't know why I chose that bathroom. Then you found me."
"That was really brave of sharing, Harry. I'm proud of you." Remus said, giving Harry a proud smile.
Harry blushed, ducking away from the praise.
"Is there anything you want to say or talk about before I ask another question?" Remus asked, allowing Harry to bring anything up.
Harry shook his head. He's talked enough.
"Alright then," Remus said, smiling at Harry. "My other question is about what we can do right now. Next time you feel like you want to hurt yourself, what are you going to do, and why?"
Harry resisted rolling his eyes at the question because he knew that it was a valid one, even if it was corny.
"It depends on what happened and how I feel. I-I'm going to try to get an adult. And I am going to work hard on not doing it because it can hurt my magic."
"Among other things," Remus added.
Harry nodded his agreement.
Remus talked with Harry a bit more about how he was feeling and what the rest of the day would look like. He made sure Harry was out of the danger zone and was at a lower risk level than he was before. When they finished up, Remus asked Harry about what he wanted to do next.
"I just feel gross," Harry commented.
"Why don't you take a shower. Then, we'll feed you some lunch and you can take a rest. You're not going to any other classes today. One of us is going to be with you at all times."
Harry didn't like this but nodded.
"Your wand, please," Remus said, extending his hand.
Padfoot jumped off of Harry, giving him access to his pockets.
Harry sighed and gave Remus his wand. As he reached in his pocket, he realized that he still had pieces of the razor in it and stiffened up.
Remus saw the shift in Harry. "Harry, what did you just think about? What's going on?"
Harry stayed frozen, debating what to say or do.
Remus once again came over to Harry and knelt down in front of him. "Cub?" He asked softly, rubbing Harry's hand, trying to bring him back to reality.
Harry came back to the present. He took a shaky breath and made eye contact with his therapist-uncle. "You wouldn't lie to me, right Uncle Moony? Harry asked in a voice that seemed much younger than a fifth year.
"I promise," Remus said truthfully, looking into Harry's green eyes.
"And hurting myself can really harm my magic? And it really isn't good, honest?"
"That's right," Remus affirmed softly.
Harry took another shaky breath and reached in his pocket. He grabbed the pieces of the broken razor. He gripped them tightly in his hand and took a deep breath. Harry pulled his hand out of his pocket and with a shaky hand put the hand in front of Remus and opened his palm. "I was saving them for later," Harry whispered almost silently.
Remus' heart broke at Harry's pain and soared at his bravery and willingness to get better.
Remus tapped his wand on Harry's palm, vanishing the pieces.
Harry looked at his now-empty palm and couldn't help himself from once again collapsing into tears.
Remus opened his arms and Harry launched himself into him. Harry's head settled on Remus' shoulder and Remus rubbed calming circles on Harry's back. "You are safe. I am very proud of you, Harry. You are so brave. I'm here, Cub."
Harry eventually calmed down but stayed there, rather comfortable in that position, until Padfoot came and licked Harry's face which was salty with tears.
When Remus had gotten Padfoot to calm down, he looked back at Harry. Harry was still on the floor, leaning against the couch. His face was red from crying, but he seemed much less burdened than before.
"Harry, that took so much strength and bravery. I am so proud of you. I can tell you want to get better."
"I don't want to hurt my magic. I want to deal with things, but I love my magic and don't want to hurt it."
"That's good." Remus praised, smiling encouragingly at him.
Harry took a cleansing breath, once again petting Padfoot.
"Harry, do you still want to take a shower to get clean when we go back to our quarters?"
Harry nodded. He was exhausted but after everything this morning (including sitting on the bathroom floor), he just wanted to get the grime off of him.
"That's good. I do have to tell you, though, someone will be with you."
"What?!" Harry asked, his eyes large.
Remus cringed. He hated telling anyone this, but it was not so bad knowing that he would be supervising his son.
"You really hurt yourself. Last time you weren't in a good place you hurt yourself in the shower. I want to make sure that that won't happen."
"But I just gave you the pieces!" Harry protested.
Remus sighed, "I know. Whether it's me or Sirius we will be behind the curtain, I promise. We won't look at you. We are just there making sure you're safe."
Harry huffed. it wasn't as bad as showering while they watched him, but it wasn't preferable.
"How about this. You can either have someone on the other side or we check your body when you're done for marks."
"Check my body," Harry said. Remus and Sirius had done it before. Harry hated it, but it wasn't as bad as someone watching him shower.
Remus nodded his agreement. "Okay, we'll do that. We are going to charm the water, however, so you can't harm yourself, alright?"
Harry nodded. Last time he used scalding hot water and he understand that they wanted to prevent that.
Remus smiled at him. "Good. C'mon, Cub. Let's go home."
Harry took the outstretched hand and stood up. Things can only go up from here.
Self-harm does indeed have more negative effects than just pain and scarring. You can develop an infection and cause future problems with mobility, just to name a few. Please be safe!
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap