1 January 1990
Grimmauld Place was more subdued than usual. Remus felt a loneliness in his bones, a hollowness that threatened to permanently take residence there every time he recalled Nymphadora's painful, tearful words.
Whatever she had overheard last summer, it had been enough to break her heart. He, Remus John Lupin, had broken Nymphadora's heart. He could hardly look at himself in the mirror without wanting to break his own face in for hurting her.
He hadn't meant to hurt her; he hadn't known she'd been listening. The attempts to keep her away for both of their sakes, in case he longed for a version of her that would never exist. Those worries had been futile; after finding out the truth about Dora, he didn't want the woman and relationship built on a lie. He wanted…he couldn't articulate what he wanted, but it certainly wasn't Dora.
After Nymphadora had stormed off from her confession, all four remaining adults in the dining room had taken several minutes of silence to process what they'd just heard. While Andromeda, Ted, and Sirius discussed how to convince Nymphadora that she was not a disappointment to them and why they had kept the truth from her for years, Remus could only sit in a semi-catatonic state.
He hadn't known the truth for much longer than she had, and it was not his place to tell her, according to her parents. It was Nymphadora's painful cries of feeling that Remus had broken her heart that he realized why she had been avoiding him since July. She had rejected his invitation for her birthday in November. She likely saw those attempts as means to appease her…or worse yet, hope that she had turned into someone she wasn't, and could never be.
The New Year – 1990 – had come and gone without much fanfare from those in the home. No one was in a particularly celebratory mood, and so Sirius and Remus had returned to Grimmauld Place to drink firewhisky alone in their rooms.
Remus now lay on his side in the fetal position, wondering how to fix the mess he had helped make. He could do little for Dora's identity and timelines – that, he hoped, would be her parents' responsibility. He could, however, address her concerns that she was a disappointment to him. He could address why he wanted her to stay away from him…or rather, why he wanted to stay away from her.
More importantly, he wanted to tell her he never truly wanted to stay away. He cared for her deeply, and he missed the spunky young witch he'd come to consider as one of the most important people in his life. He never wanted her to be Dora. He wanted her to be Nymphadora, with all her colors, joy, and zest for life.
Unable to think of a single word to write to this effect, he remained in his near-catatonic state, staring out into the darkness.
….
2 January 1990
"I hate to pull you away from your family like this," Andromeda said guiltily. "But I couldn't think of anyone else Nymphadora might talk to, and you'll both be back at school next week."
"It's fine, Mrs. Tonks," Edith replied. "It might be good for me to talk to Remus first though."
Andromeda was taken aback. "Remus?"
"You said Tonks had a big fight with you, Mr. Tonks, Sirius, and Remus, right?" Edith said knowingly.
"Yes?" Andromeda's brow knitted together; was it possible Edith knew?
"I'm pretty sure I know what it's about." Edith looked down at the floor for a moment before looking back up at Andromeda. "Tonks told me about a conversation she overheard last summer."
"I see." Andromeda cleared her throat, looking warily at Edith. "Can you tell me what it is you know?"
"Her cousin, Dora, was Tonks from another time, and you never told her any of that," Edith said quickly. "Oh, and Remus is disappointed with her and hates her for not being Dora."
"The first is true, but the second most certainly isn't," Andromeda said tersely. "Is that why you want to talk to Remus?"
"Yeah. I dunno what Tonks told you lot, but she's more mad at Remus than she is at anyone else." Edith flipped her hair behind her shoulder, and tapped her wand on her head, allowing her hair to braid itself. "Nervous habit," Edith explained sheepishly. "I always do this before a Quidditch match."
"No need to be nervous, Edith." Andromeda glanced at the Floo and strode to the fireplace. "If you're open to it, I could have us go to Grimmauld Place. Have you been there before?"
Edith shook her head. "I've only heard of it. Remus and Sirius live there, don't they?"
"They do. Allow me a moment to fetch Sirius to see if Remus is available." Edith nodded, and Andromeda went through the Floo to Grimmauld Place, finding Sirius seated in the library with a large glass of firewhisky in hand.
"Andy, didn't expect you," Sirius said, putting his glass down. "Any update on Tonks?"
"She hasn't come out of her room for three days, so I reached out to her friend Edith to see if she can reason with Nymphadora."
"Think it'll work?" Sirius asked dubiously. "Kreacher's been in and out of here and hasn't said anything about Tonks. We're sure he's been getting her food and anything else she needs."
"Edith is at my home at the moment and would like to speak with Remus," Andromeda explained. "She let me know Nymphadora is most upset with him."
"Why? It's not like he knew for much longer than she did," Sirius retorted, after taking another large swig of firewhisky. "If anything, she should be angrier at the rest of us."
"You and I both know Nymphadora has always cared for Remus in a different way than the rest of us," Andromeda said, clasping her hands together anxiously. "I agree with Edith. I would like him to speak with her to see where the miscommunication is. Nymphadora is under the impression that Remus is both disappointed with her and hates her—"
"—utter rubbish," Sirius grumbled. "He's madly in—"
"—I'm well aware of his feelings," Andromeda said, sighing deeply. "He won't admit it to himself or anyone else, but I'm well aware. Ted and I have seen it coming for years from both of them. He can't be in any better of a mood than Nymphadora is."
"He's barely left his room, so, yeah." Sirius looked upwards and grimaced. "I can try to get him to come down, but I can't make any promises."
"Try your best, because Edith is waiting for me. I'm having her Floo over in a few minutes. If Remus could make himself presentable, it would be most appreciated." Sirius rolled his eyes but left the library, allowing Andromeda to take the Floo back to East Sussex.
As soon as she was out of the Floo, she was relieved to see Edith still there, chatting animatedly with Doris, Ted's mother.
"Hi, Mrs. Tonks," Edith said. "Apparently Doris didn't know about the Dora and Tonks stuff either, so I told her. Is that okay?"
"Cat's out of the bag, as it were," Andromeda said, while Doris stared at her in disappointment. Ted's mother was usually forgiving and calm, but it was clear from whatever Edith had told her, her mother-in-law was not pleased with the information.
"I'll be discussing this with Edward later," Doris said sternly. Andromeda had the grace to stay quiet; Doris calling Ted by his full name usually indicated that he would be receiving a well-deserved lecture later.
"Edith, can you come with me? I believe Remus will be open to talking to you for Nymphadora." Andromeda gestured for Edith to come with her, and the two made their way through the Floo to Grimmauld Place.
Andromeda breathed a sigh of relief to see both Sirius and Remus sitting in the library. Sirius was still nursing his glass of firewhisky, while Remus was looking puffy-eyed, pale, and exhausted. It was apparent he wasn't faring much better than Nymphadora, although it was possible he was already feeling the effects of the next full moon.
Edith followed Andromeda out of the Floo. The girl's eyes were wide as she took in the grand library of Grimmauld Place, now decorated brightly in all of Nymphadora's favorite colors. Even Andromeda admitted it had been a large improvement to Grimmauld Place's formerly grim features.
"Edith, why don't you sit there, in that squashy chair?" Andromeda suggested. "We can discuss things together, if you'd like."
Edith was startled but found the chair and sat, her eyes still wandering around the library.
"We can take a tour another time," Andromeda said kindly. "I'm sure it will be better if Nymphadora shows you herself."
Edith nodded and returned to the space. Nymphadora had always said her best friend was a little spacey, unless she was on the Quidditch pitch, and Andromeda could see now why she was described as such.
"Remus?" Andromeda said softly, as he looked up at her with a forlorn expression. He hadn't been eating or sleeping well in the last few days; he hadn't shaved, either, giving him a ragged, unkempt appearance.
"Yes?" he croaked. "Sirius said we had company."
"We do. You know Edith, Nymphadora's friend?" Andromeda said, as Remus nodded. "I asked Edith to help me speak with Nymphadora. It appears Edith already knows about the news."
"Tonks told me last summer. It's why she came over all the time," Edith said coolly. "She was pissed off at all of you, but mostly Remus."
Remus made a strangled noise from the back of his throat, and Sirius put a hand on his shoulder to keep him in place.
"I believe there's been a grave miscommunication between Remus and Nymphadora," Andromeda said firmly. "Edith, can you tell me what's been on my daughter's mind?"
"Tonks thinks Remus is disappointed with her for not being Dora," Edith replied. "She also thinks he hates her for not being Dora, and not living up to his expectations."
Edith now turned to directly face Remus, whose jaw had dropped and was staring, horrorstruck, at what he was hearing.
"She thinks you wrote to her only to shut her up as a little kid, and hoped she'd grow up to be Dora so you could be with her again," Edith said, tapping her fingers against her temple. "She says you just waited for her to grow up, met her in July, and decided she wasn't who you wanted her to be so you told Mr. and Mrs. Tonks to keep her away from you."
Edith took a deep breath and continued. "It was really hard because she cared so much about you. She would never shut up about you when we were younger. Bit annoying, really."
Sirius chuckled softly to himself, and even Andromeda couldn't help but smile fondly at how much Nymphadora had cared for Remus from a young age.
"I did the same with Quidditch, so we tortured each other," Edith said, a small smile forming on her face. "You can just imagine how sad she was, and still is, to be honest, that Remus hates her for not being Dora. But…I know Tonks. Sometimes she gets these ideas and doesn't let them go, no matter how hard I try to talk her out of them. Case in point: Damian Belby." Edith scowled and shook her head angrily.
"I reckoned if anyone knew what Remus thought, it would be Remus himself," Edith said simply. "By the way, I know you're a werewolf. Not a big deal. You're really nice."
Andromeda, Sirius, and Remus all gazed at Edith with a mixture of incredulous and worried expressions. She cleared her throat and added hastily, "Tonks let it slip once and I bugged her till she told me. Don't worry, I haven't told anyone else."
Andromeda exhaled forcefully, and turned to Edith. "I can let you know first that Remus didn't know about Dora until about ten minutes before Nymphadora found out," Andromeda said, as Edith's brow went up into her forehead in surprise.
"I obliviated him," Sirius said gravely. "He found out just after Dora died, but I obliviated him. I can't speak for Remus completely, but I know he didn't expect little Tonks to be Dora, because we led him to believe she was a Seer, not a time traveler."
"Remus? Can you tell us what's on your mind?" Andromeda said gently, turning towards him.
Remus was still and breathing unsteadily. He closed his eyes, clenched his fists together, and let them go before speaking.
"I could never hate Nymphadora," Remus said, his voice cracking as he did so. "Never. She is…she's important to me. I could never hate her. I can hardly be disappointed in her, either."
Edith sat at the edge of the chair now, watching Remus intently.
"When I found out Dora was once Nymphadora, a lot of things made sense to me," Remus continued. "Dora went through a lot of suffering, and I never want that for Nymphadora. I want her to be happy, whole, and herself. I don't want her to be anyone but who she is now."
Remus took a steadying breath, trembling slightly as he spoke. "I didn't want to be around Nymphadora at first because I was afraid I would feel disappointed or angry. I didn't want to hurt her by putting expectations on her that she should've never had. She heard that part of the conversation, which I regret. It was only to spare her from me breaking her heart, although that happened anyway."
Remus put a fist to his mouth, appearing to bite down on his knuckles momentarily before wiping one of his eyes with the sleeve of his robe.
"I didn't want either of us to feel this way," Remus continued, his voice now heavy with emotion. "I didn't want to be disappointed, and I didn't want her to feel as if I'd disappointed her. It happened anyway, for no good reason. I'm the furthest from being disappointed in her. I care for her. I've been worried for her for months."
"Why didn't you say any of this?" asked Edith, cocking her head to one side. "Why didn't you tell her?"
"How could he have?" Sirius answered, before Remus could respond. "We all decided not to tell Tonks about Dora, and we didn't know that she knew. It's not his fault this happened. It's ours."
"Do you think she would listen to you, Edith?" Andromeda asked. "If you told her what Remus was thinking and feeling?"
"Maybe," Edith said, now untangling her braid. "I haven't the foggiest how she'd react, though. She might be fine with it or she might not. Seven years of knowing her and I still can't figure out her temper."
"It's a family trait," Sirius said wryly. "Black family temper, that is."
"I can try to talk to her, but no guarantees, okay?" Edith offered. She tapped her fingers together, apparently thinking hard. "I know! I'll tell her to come with me and my family. She'll feel better with Tristan there, I think."
At this, Remus snarled, and Andromeda glared at him. Edith was startled by the noise, and Sirius put his hand on Remus' shoulder, squeezing it tightly.
"Edith, does your brother know any of this?" Andromeda asked lightly.
"I doubt it," Edith said. "They've only been together a few months. They weren't dating for real until the end of September, anyway."
"They weren't?" Sirius asked, scratching his head. "I thought—"
Edith giggled. "No, no. Tonks was pissed off at everyone for asking a ton of questions. She spent most of her summer up in some attic in this house doing research on Dora's life but told you all she was writing a boyfriend. Tristan fancied her, so I set them up and now they're dating and really happy. If she'd just listened to me years ago they could've been happier for a lot longer."
Remus was fidgeting next to Sirius, and he murmured something into Remus' ear to make him sit still.
"It's good to know she has that kind of support," Sirius said evenly. "Andy, what do you think? Should Tonks go with Edith and her family?"
Remus shot Sirius a dirty look, while Andromeda bit her lip. She wanted Nymphadora under her roof as long as possible, but Edith and her family might provide much-needed room from the situation.
"Yes, she should," Andromeda said, as Remus made another strangled noise from the back of his throat. "Edith, let's go back. If Nymphadora is willing to go with you, she can stay the rest of her holiday with your family." Edith beamed, nodding enthusiastically to the proposal, and the two of them returned through the Floo to negotiate with Nymphadora.
….
3 January 1990
"I'm so glad you're here," Edith said, hugging Tonks tightly. "C'mon, let's go up to my room."
Tonks looked longingly at Tristan, but he gestured for her to go up with Edith. Tonks was suspicious of the sudden change in scenery – her mother had been a little too gracious in allowing her to leave their home for the remainder of the holiday, but as she no longer confined herself to her bedroom in East Sussex, she gladly took the opportunity to spend a few days with the Wallaces.
As soon as they were in Edith's bedroom, she put up a Silencing Charm and Locking Charm on the door, putting Tonks immediately on edge.
"Relax, Tonks," Edith said calmly. "We need to talk about that whole blowing-up-at-your-family business, and it's not like the rest of my family can hear about it, right?"
Tonks nodded, and sat down with Edith on her bed.
"You'll never guess where I was yesterday," Edith began, startling Tonks.
"I dunno, Paris?" Tonks suggested feebly.
"No, I was at your house, Grimmauld Place," Edith said brightly, and Tonks recoiled, waiting for whatever was coming next.
"Seriously, you want to hear this," Edith continued forcefully. "Just listen, okay?"
Tonks was still feeling wary of her family, but Edith was not a force to be reckoned with. She nodded, and Edith continued.
"Remus isn't disappointed with you. He doesn't hate you. He doesn't want you to be Dora. He never wanted you to be Dora, and he only found out about Dora about ten minutes before you did," Edith said, without taking a breath.
Tonks' jaw dropped, and Edith put her arm around her, holding her close.
"Why don't I start at the beginning?" Edith suggested. Tonks nodded, and Edith began her tale.
When Edith had finished speaking, Tonks' mind was buzzing with possibilities and the truth. Remus didn't hate her. Remus didn't want her to be Dora. Remus had been obliviated. Her parents had made him stay quiet. It wasn't his fault.
"Can you say something?" Edith said hoarsely, after talking for over an hour without stopping. "I can't talk anymore."
"How's Remus?" Tonks managed to say, after a brief silence.
"Not good? I've only seen him a handful of times though, so I dunno. It might be the full moon soon?"
"I'm not sure what I'm going to do," Tonks admitted. "I'm still mad at my parents and Sirius, but I'm less mad at Remus now."
"You're still mad at him?"
"Yes? No? I'm mad at Dora, too, for doing all of this." Tonks ran her fingers over her face, dragging them down to rest her head in her hands. "You know what's fucked up about all this?"
"That could literally be anything, Tonks," Edith deadpanned.
Tonks snorted softly. "You can say that again, but no. What I'm thinking is – how do I know my thoughts and feelings are mine? How do I know that what I feel is really me and not Dora?"
"I thought you had a memory journal for all that?" Edith said blankly. "To sort it all out?"
"Yeah, but even that's not enough. It's not like I can pinpoint feelings to a specific memory," Tonks said, biting her bottom lip. "Can I tell you something? Will you promise not to tell Tristan?"
"Yes? As long as you don't plan on breaking my brother's heart, I'll keep your secret," Edith said sternly.
"For a long time I fancied Remus," Tonks confessed. "When I saw him in July, before I found out about Dora, I thought I could've really loved him one day, you know? But when I found out about Dora and my feelings and memories…I don't think it was really me who felt that way. It was all Dora."
"Is that why you're with Tristan now? To get over Remus?" Edith said, her fists shaking against her sides. "Tristan deserves better than that!"
"No, Merlin, Edith, just listen to me!" Tonks groaned, but continued. "I decided ages ago I could never be with Remus. I can't trust my feelings for him because they might not be mine. I know he says he doesn't want me to be Dora, but how could he not look at me and compare me to her? Even if he says it, I just don't believe it. It would be a train wreck, I'm sure of it."
Tonks inhaled sharply. "I love being with Tristan. He's not complicated. I know all my feelings for him are mine. He knows me for me. Maybe if I'd never known about Dora I would've tried to convince Remus to be with me, but I can't now. I know too much, and it's better this way. I'd rather be with Tristan, knowing full well that my feelings for him are mine."
"…so you're not using him?" Edith said quietly.
"Not at all! It started fake but he's amazing," Tonks said, smiling softly now. "I should've never gotten back with Damian two years ago. Tristan's so much better, in every way possible."
"Good," Edith said, sighing in relief. "He won't shut up about you and I wouldn't want you breaking his heart."
"I could never do that to him," Tonks assured. "Trust me, Edith. If I had a choice between Tristan and Remus, it's no contest. Tristan wins, every time."
Edith grinned, and the two began giggling, thinking they could be sisters-in-law one day, and their children would grow up as cousins.
….
4 January 1990
"A letter arrived for us this morning," Sirius said casually, pouring Remus a cup of tea for breakfast. "From Miss Edith Wallace."
"And?" Remus asked, no longer caring for tea or food.
"Tonks is doing better. Edith says she isn't angry with you anymore, but isn't ready to talk about it," Sirius said, looking at Edith's letter. "She's still pissed at me, Andy, and Ted, but that's to be expected."
"Thank Merlin," Remus said, his body feeling lighter than it had in days. "I've been so worried…do you think I should write her?"
Sirius arched an eyebrow at Remus. "Who? Edith or Tonks?"
"Both?"
"I wouldn't write to either of them," Sirius said, not unkindly. "If Tonks wants time and space, let her have time and space. If something's important enough, Andy will let us know."
Remus grumbled, but accepted Sirius' reasoning. "I still can't believe she thought I hated her or was disappointed in her. When have I ever given her that impression?"
"Maybe that time she overheard you telling her parents to keep her away from you," Sirius said frankly. Remus scowled, but once again accepted the truth.
"I just want to know she's all right, happy, and safe," Remus said, throwing his hands up. "Is that so much to ask?"
"She's 18 now and every bit an adult." Sirius brought forward scones, which he'd baked himself that morning. Ever since Nymphadora's confession on New Year's Eve, Kreacher's food had been inedible. Remus and Sirius chalked it up to Nymphadora's anger at them both, and had Kreacher punish them as a result.
Sirius took a bite out of the scone, and sat down, slumped in his chair. "Give her time. All you can do, mate. Be thankful she's not furious at you. With that temper, she might actually hex your bollocks off."
"So now what?" Remus said irritably. "I just wait?"
"Get used to it, Moony," Sirius said, chucking a hunk of scone at Remus.
Unimpressed and unamused, Remus went back to his room to be alone. At least Nymphadora doesn't hate me, he thought. It would be the only thought he could hold onto until she spoke with him again.
….
5 January 1990
"What was with you and Edith the other day?" Tristan asked, while they held hands and walked around the Wallaces' neighborhood. "You were in her room a long time."
"Family stuff," Tonks said vaguely. "Nothing serious, but I needed her ear for it. She knows my family better than anyone by now."
"You think one day you'll be able to talk to me like that?" Tristan asked, a hopeful edge to his voice.
"One day," Tonks said gently. "I've known Edith a lot longer and she's still my best friend."
"I know. I hope I'll be around with you a while longer. It's all I'm saying," Tristan said softly.
Tonks grinned at him, feeling the warmth pooling in her chest at his affection. He always knew what to say to make her feel better.
She had spent the last few days, after learning about Remus and his true feelings, thinking hard about her own feelings. It had been easy to be furious with Remus for six months. It had been easy to be upset with him for his alleged offenses. It had been easier to be angry with him when she thought he hated her or had been disappointed with her.
It was much harder to sort out her feelings for Remus once she learned the truth, especially given her relationship with Tristan.
Tonks had reassured Edith that Tristan was better for her, and in most every way, he was. He was sweet, kind, funny, and attentive. He took his time in learning what she liked in bed, something her previous boyfriends had never attempted to do. She had been his first kiss and shag, and despite his inexperience, he was tender and loving with her.
She knew her feelings for Tristan were her own. Or, she thought grimly, as much her own as they could be. Tonks had no idea if Dora, in her first timeline as Tonks, had ever dated Tristan. She had no idea what relationships the first Tonks had; Dora's memories of the 1970s were stronger than whatever memories she had of her time in the 1980s and 90s of her time through them.
Tonks knew that Tristan's feelings for her were truly his. He had never been a time traveler, to her knowledge. He had never met or seen Dora. As far as Tonks knew, she was brand new for Tristan, so his affection was genuine and true.
There remained a troubling thought in the back of Tonks' mind whenever she contemplated her feelings towards Remus. She had been so sure, months before, that she fancied him. She had been sure that she loved him – or could have loved him, if he let her. With Dora's memories now coloring all her impressions of Remus, it was difficult to tell what the truth was.
Did Tonks fancy Remus because of her own schoolgirl crush turned love, or did she fancy him because of Dora's lingering emotions towards him?
If Tonks' feelings were ever reciprocated by Remus, a laughable thought, Tonks had concluded, even if the man wanted to be with her, would he ever see Tonks as Tonks, rather than a version of Dora?
Edith had emphasized that Remus said he wanted Tonks to be Tonks. He didn't want her to be Dora. But the man had loved Dora!
Surely, Tonks thought, that couldn't be healthy. She suspected she would always feel inferior compared to Dora, even if everyone told her otherwise. It would be worse if it came from Remus, she knew, because of how complicated her feelings were towards him.
As she returned to the Wallaces' home, still hand-in-hand with Tristan, she made a decision, hoping it would be for the best.
….
6 January 1990
Remus,
I'm sorry I never talked to you earlier, but I reckon you couldn't have told me about everything, even if you wanted to.
I'm really sorry to do this, but I don't think we can be friends anymore. It's got nothing to do with you. It's all to do with me, I promise. I need to sort some things out and I don't think I can do that if I'm friends with you.
You can still live at Grimmauld Place with Sirius. We can be friendly when we see each other but I don't think I can be your friend. I really am so sorry. I hope you will understand.
N.A.T.