It was a Monday afternoon that Lisa and Robby moved in. Liz and Ressler were enjoying their leave from work, and their 1 1/2 week old twins.
Almost immediately Ressler and his brother had began the process of subdividing their land and Robbie's purchase of the corner piece that would soon hold his house.
His property's driveway would be on the street opposite Liz and Ressler's but their yards would connect by a gate on the back corner. Robbie's house would have a seperate suite with its own entrance for Lisa, letting her keep the independence she wanted.
In the meantime they were staying in two bedrooms downstairs, the boxes that held their belongings filling the guest bedroom upstairs to avoid having to haul it up and down a flight of stairs, because unfortunately Ressler was out of commission and Robby was on his own for that.
Lisa couldn't get enough of her new grandbabies or Robby his new nephews and the twins barely spent a moment sleeping in their own beds. As yet this wasn't an issue, in fact, bonding was encouraged. They had brought the boys for their one week checkup two days ago and been sent home again with no concerns at all. Luke had already lost his umbilical cord stump when they went in and Danny did just this morning.
Currently Liz was in the kitchen with the twins and Lisa while Ressler and Robby played outside in the fresh dump of snow with the older two. Liz was standing at the window, Luke pressed to her breast as he ate, trying to see out the window.
"Oh, I hope he's being careful" she said and Lisa picked up in the worry in her voice.
"Who? Ethan?"
"No, Don. His back is healing, it's getting better but there's still a lot of raw and open skin back there and he - well he's not exactly known for knowing his limits when it comes to injury."
"How do you mean?" asked Lisa.
"He uh - well let's just say there's a lot of injuries that he's sustained that you don't know about" said Liz. "He's okay now, and he doesn't want you to know about any of them because he doesn't want to worry you - but he's, he takes his tough guy act a bit too far some days."
"Oh, okay"
Liz could tell Lisa was still confused but she didn't ask anymore and Liz didn't tell her.
They were making cinnamon buns which were currently in the oven. Liz was nursing the twins who had woken crying shortly before. They were waiting for the timer to ding and Liz could tell Luke had almost had his fill when the back door burst open.
They both jumped to their feet expecting a crying child, but it wasn't a child at all, it was Ressler. He did seem startlingly close to tears, however, not from grief, Liz thought. He was tearing at his clothes with an urgency that alarmed her and she ripped off her nursing bib and put Luke in his bouncy seat. He started to cry and spit up, but Lisa turned to him and Liz hurried to Ressler's side.
"What's wrong?" she asked, helping him shuck his jacket and shirt.
"My back" he said, his teeth clenched. "Hurts. God, it hurts."
"What did you do?" asked Liz, ripping off his shirt and reaching for the bandages which seemed strangely wet, though not with blood.
"I don't know" he said, panting. "Hurts. Hurts."
"I know" said Liz, "I'm going as fast as I can." She was, all but ripping the gauze off of his body to expose his wounds to the air.
"I think it's just sweat" she said honestly.
He nodded and exhaled a huge breath as the gauze fell away. His back looked wet, and she could see beads of sweat by his hairline and on his neck. It was sweat. But it had been trapped and accumulated under the bandages, settling into his burns and causing immense pain due to the salty nature of it.
Liz still faithfully debreided his back every day and she could see immense improvement already, but this right now - the healing flesh raised and sticky, it looked very very painful.
"You should shower" said Liz, "wash the sweat out and maybe just leave it open to air out a bit. It will stop stinging that way."
"Stinging" said Ressler, "that's the word. Wow, it's stinging."
"Go shower" said Liz.
"And if you're doing that" said Lisa, standing up with Luke, who had burped and quieted. "Take your son. He upchucked all over himself."
There was milky vomit on the babies sleeper and in his neck rolls. Not a concerning amount, as they knew babies were liable to throw up, but still enough that a shower might be the most effective means of washing him up. They'd been doing gentle baths while the boys had their cords, and only once in the time since they'd come home, but now that they'd lost them they could shower carefully.
Ressler nodded and accepted his son, holding him to his chest as a wide-awake Luke attempted to look around, his tounge sticking out like a clown. Liz laughed but Ressler, while she knew he appreciated the sight, barely mustered a smile.
Liz watched them walk off to the shower and sighed. His back looked so sore she just couldn't imagine. It was such a big area.
"I guess there's no breaking a sweat for him until his skin closes that up again" she said.
She nursed Danny. The cinnamon buns dinged and Lisa took them out and iced them. Robbie and kids came inside. Half an hour went by and Ressler still hadn't reappeared.
Beginning to get worried Liz went to investigate. She heard Ressler's voice as soon as she walked into their bedroom, the adjoining door to their washroom was open. He was talking gibberish, his voice high and directed at the baby. The water was still running.
"Hey" said Liz, "what you guys still doing in here? It's been a while."
"Oh you know" said Ressler, looking up from Luke. They were standing beneath the showerhead, which was set at the gentlest cycle, naked and turning a bit red from the heat. But Luke seemed to be loving it, he was kicking his legs and stretching his arms, his head wobbling in his father's protective grasp. Liz whipped out her phone and took a picture.
"Liz!" said Ressler, his eyes growing huge. "I don't want anyone seeing naked pictures of me!"
"Oh don't worry" assured Liz, "it's only the waist up. It's all very PG."
He frowned and Liz whipped her phone around to show him. It was indeed only his chest visible, and what with injuries and circumstances of weeks past, everyone in his immediate social group had already seen that. He wasn't ashamed of his chest.
Luke was naked, obviously, but he was also turned to his father, hiding his front and Ressler had one hand covering the majority of his little bum.
"Seriously though" Liz pushed. "What, it's 'party in the shower' time?"
"Well we were going to get out" said Ressler, "but then somebody got cold and peed all over me so we jumped right back in to rinse that off."
He spoke so casually that Liz laughed.
"Okay" she said, nodding as she pictured them doing just that. So that's what all the chatter she'd heard on her way in had been about. "Well, I think you guys should get out now. Unless you want to do Danny too while you're at it?"
"Sure" said Ressler, "quickly."
Liz went out to get him and strip him, bringing him to Ressler who took him into his arms and under the showerhead to wash him. He really wasn't dirty, it was only some milk and those sort of baby things. A minute later Liz shut off the water and they obediently stepped out, Liz drying the twins heads so they didn't lose heat.
Ressler wrapped a towel around his waist and as though struck by inspiration Liz picked up two hand towels and did the same with the twins, handing them both facing out to Ressler before taking another picture of them all in the same pose.
Ressler sighed but smiled obediently, Luke was looking at the ground, and Danny had a bored look on his face.
"Mommy?" came an inquisitive call from the bedroom door. Liz sighed. Never a moment alone for them.
"It's okay" said Ressler, "I got this."
"You sure?"
"Yah, go!" he shooed her away to answer Agnes' call.
Ressler stole some big fluffy towels from their bathroom and carrying them in his fingertips went out to his and Liz's bed. He laid the twins down and wrapped them snuggly like burritos in the big towels before drying and clothing his own bottom half. He couldn't put a shirt on just yet. He needed to let his back dry out. In the meantime he'd probably freeze, but oh well. He picked up the thrashing towels that held the twins, they were warm again and would help warm him up.
Sure enough he was getting warmer from holding them so he left the room to find Liz to have a look at his back and decide if they should dress it or not yet. He snitched matching sleepers for the boys on his way out, but not diapers. They had those in literally every room at this point.
"There's my boys" said Liz as soon as he stepped into the living room where everyone else was at, drinking hot chocolate after coming inside. She kissed the babies on the cheeks, rubbing them through the towels. One of them squawked, a happy sound, and they both laughed. Liz turned to walk away.
"I'm not your boy too?" asked Ressler, pouting. Liz laughed at his comedic bottom lip jutting out.
"Alright" she said, "you're my boy too." She walked back over to him and kissed him too, but on the mouth and much more soundly, amid exclamations from their children. That made Ressler smile widely and she realized he just liked getting them riled up.
"Wow" she said, cupping his cheek, "your need for attention is worse then your kids. Your Mom is getting cinnamon buns ready. Now our daughter made you a hot chocolate I'll go reheat it for you." This time she did walk away, towards the kitchen. "You should get those boys into diapers before they pee all over you again!" she called over her shoulder.
"Oh, they got to just about be out of pee" he said, cradling the infants as he slowly rocked them side to side. "They peed all over me as soon as they got cold."
But he should get them back into their diapers and sleepers he knew because they were getting sleepy. Luke was already out like a light, curled on his chest, but Danny was still awake.
"Aggie?" he asked her. She was kneeling on the floor at the coffee table, "do you want to hold Luke for a minute so Daddy can change Danny?"
"Yay!" she quickly got to her feet and slid into the couch and Ressler knelt, carefully transferring Luke to her, making sure she supported his neck, though he knew she was getting good at it.
He got on the ground and changed Danny, putting a sleeper on him and swaddling him loosely so that he could kick his feet, which happened more as their legs straightened, they weren't nearly as curled up as they had been after birth. That's what the doctor had said to do when the babies slept.
When he was all warm and snuggly Ressler turned to lay him on the couch and get Luke. But he found, to his horror, that Agnes had opened the front of the towel Luke was wrapped in and was examining his body, specifically his genitals. She was rolling his penis back and forth between her fingers, not hurting him, just curious. His blue eyes were still shut, his belly rising and falling in peaceful sleep.
"Agnes?" he asked. "What are you doing?" He reached and took her fingers off of her brother's body. To make matters worse this caught Ethan's attention and he came over to the couch to investigate and Danny started crying, causing Liz to come from the kitchen with a soother to calm him and walk in on their conversation.
"Just lookin'" Agnes replied. "Boys have funny peepees. It's so big. Girls don't have nothing like that. Why not?"
"That's just how it works. There's nothing we can do to change it, that's just the way boys are made." said Ressler patiently. "But it doesn't matter. Either way, boys or girls, it doesn't matter."
"Does it hurt him when I touch him?" she asked, "he's sleeping." She patted his orangey hair carefully.
"No, it doesn't hurt" said Ressler. He could hear Liz laughing under her breath. It did the opposite of hurt, that was the thought going through her mind, he knew.
"Is it always going to be so big?" asked Agnes.
"It's going to change a little bit as he grows up" said Ressler, "but it's always going to be there."
"Where does he pee?" she asked, still clearly confused. "Not out the bottom like girls?"
"No" said Ressler. "From here." He gently lifted his penis and showed her.
"So he can pee like all over the place? If he peed right now he'd pee on me?"
"Yes" said Ressler. His heart was racing but he felt wrong just ignoring her questions, he thought she should know. He'd only pay for it later if he ignored her now. And he'd almost rather talk about it when she was this age. Her mind was clean, oblivious to any sexual acts, and it was much less awkward. "Do you have any more questions?" he asked.
She was quiet for a minute. "No" she said. "Gross. Boys are gross. Peeing all over the place." She quickly folded the towel back over him and Ressler exhaled immensely, feeling his heart slow down. It was over. Thank God. He slid his hands under Luke's body and lifted him up, taking him away from Agnes.
Agnes slid off the couch and headed out of the room. Lisa set a cinnamon bun down on the side table and sat on the couch, picking up Danny. He felt Liz's hand on his bare shoulder as he changed Luke, finally laughing freely.
"It's not funny" he insisted. "What was I supposed to do?"
"Exactly what you did" said Liz. "She's a girl. She's almost six. She's getting curious."
"You did good, son" said Lisa. "I mean, better than I did with you and your brother, that's for sure. You two had no idea about anything about girls, because even if you asked, which you didn't - not this young - but later, I didn't answer. I just distracted you guys."
"Yah, thanks for that Mom. It made high school super tricky" said Ressler.
"Hey" she said. "You didn't get a girl pregnant in your teens though did you?"
"No" he admitted.
"Exactly, see? I didn't have to worry about you having sex. I mean how old were you?"
"No" said Ressler, his face turning disgusted. "We're not having that discussion."
"Okay" said Lisa, watching her son blush. "Well for what it's worth, I think you're doing a better job then me. Though clearly I did okay because you eventually figured it out."
"Well Mom" said Ressler, getting to his feet. "If it was a matter that needed a lot of education the human race would have died out long ago."
"That's true. You got a girl pregnant eventually. I mean you were almost 40, but hey? I have grandkids now, don't I?"
"Actually Mom" said Ressler, sitting down on the couch and laying Luke in his lap, hands clean now. "I was 32 the first time."
His voice had become serious and Lisa picked up on that and sat up, giving him her full attention.
"I never told you or Robbie"
"Me?" asked his brother, walking into the room.
"But Ethan wasn't my oldest child."
"What do you mean?" asked Robby, confused and sensing this was a bigger conversation.
"Audrey was pregnant when she died. That baby was my oldest baby, I just never met her."
"Her?"
"I don't actually know" he admitted. "But I think so. I named her Emily. Losing her and her mother - it just about destroyed me. I'm sorry I didn't come to you guys, I just couldn't though, I didn't have the strength to tell you. It was years actually before I told anyone."
Lisa looked at Liz, who nodded to indicate she knew, that she was the one he'd told.
"Oh, Donnie" said Lisa, moving over to hug her son. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you had to go through that loss on your own. But I'm also proud of you for getting through it and getting to where you are at today."
"That's not all" said Ressler. "And when I tell you what I'm about to tell you, you might feel differently."
"I couldn't possibly" said Lisa, convinced.
"I did drugs" said Ressler. "For a long, long time. I was very very addicted to opioids. I did - terrible things to get them. Broke my own thumb by intentionally slamming it in the car door, paying guys on the street for stuff when I didn't know what was in it, and stealing drugs from people's medicine cabinets. I almost died on more then one occasion. I was a terrible partner to Liz at work. I was a giant mess. To this day, I can't have an opioid, even for pain, because I'd be hooked again. I'm not strong enough. It's also the reason why I'm going to be leaving my wife and brand-new babies tonight for a couple hours, to go to a NA meeting."
"Oh, Don!" said his mother, but without judgement. Liz sighed in relief. "That's okay. You got help. You did get help right?"
"Liz helped me" said Don. "And NA."
"And now you're clean. And you go to NA and do what you need to do to stay that way! It's okay. Your family needs you to be healthy for them. Don't be sorry."
Ressler told her the smaller details of his life in those days, things that they had never heard, but his Mom seemed to always come back to the fact that he was clean now and that was all that mattered. Liz was at least thankful that she wasn't holding it against him.
Late that night after his NA meeting, Liz felt Ressler crawl in bed beside her.
"Hey" he whispered, "I'm sorry for waking you."
"It's okay" said Liz, "the twins will be up anytime. Frankly I'm surprised they aren't already." She sat up to glance at the bassinets at the foot of the bed where the twins were sleeping.
"They're asleep" said Ressler, "I checked. In one cradle" he added as an after thought, his voice questioning.
"Yah, well" Liz shrugged. "They sleep better that way, and they cry if I try and seperate them. Sometimes they are fine, sometimes they are picky. Tonight they're picky. And if putting them together in one bassinet will make them stop crying and sleep? Then together they are."
He nodded and stretched languidly like a big cat before settling down on his side facing her. He rested his head on her shoulder and wrapped an arm around her waist.
"How was the meeting?" she asked.
"Good" he said. "It was good to be back. I missed the last couple weeks cause of the twins and you bring bed-ridden."
"I know" said Liz, putting her hand on the coarse hairs of his arm. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be" he replied. "Don't ever be sorry for anything that you needed to do to bring our boys into this world. I'm not."
She was about to suggest that they sleep while the babies slept because they were both living in a constant state of sleep deprivation - though she supposed she did have to be thankful that both twins always woke and slept at the same times - when she heard the first cry.
Liz groaned.
"Do you want me to do it?" Ressler offered. "I can go boil water and heat up some of the milk you have in the freezer. I'll even take them with me if you want to sleep."
"No" said Liz. "It'll take too long. Besides that milk is more for like when we go away and such, or when I start working again. And it's one thing if you want to during the day, I get that, but not now. They'll wake the whole house up while we wait. It quicker and quieter if I just nurse. That's what they want anyway."
"Okay" said Ressler, seeing her starting to get up. "I can get them. I can."
She let him, both so that he'd feel included and because that way she didn't have to get out of bed. He crawled to the end of their bed and bent over to pick up one of the babies, his butt in the air.
"Nice butt" said Liz, admiring the tight lines of fabric pulled over it.
"Oh hush you" he said casually, straightening up with one of the twins in his arms. "Here" he said, turning to her to find she had her shirt pulled up already, her breasts leaking at the sound of the baby's cries.
He shuffled up the bed and gently put the baby on her chest, helping him find her breast before going back for the second one.
He was shocked when he turned around the second time to find that Liz was crying.
Liz was just as shocked as him. She knew why she was crying, but she didn't know why she needed to cry in the first place. She was crying because she didn't know which of the twins he'd given her and which one he currently held, and she wouldn't know until she looked at their name bracelets. She hadn't really known, ever, but Ressler seemed to all the time and she wasn't sure how.
"Oh Liz!" said Ressler, shuffling close with the crying baby on his chest, rooting at his nipples which, completely uselessly, had stiffened at the stimulation. "I know they said hormones and crazy mood swings for the first few weeks, but, what's going on? It's not like you to suddenly cry?"
She shook her head and he reached one hand out to smooth her hair. The baby on his chest had quieted as he attempted to suck on his father's nipple.
"Hey" he said reassuringly, "you can tell me. You can tell me anything. What's going on?"
"I can't tell them apart!" Liz relented.
The baby on his chest got a grasp of his nipple and bit down with toothless gums, trying by instinct to find food. Ressler made a weird sound and jumped, then carefully took the baby off, holding him, to which he immediately responded with a wail. He placed him on Liz beside the first one, helping him find the nutrition he was looking for at his mother's breast. His little fists came to rest on her skin and he quieted. Ressler was struck again by how magical it all was.
"I don't know which one is Danny and which one is Luke!" said Liz, clearly anguished.
"Well it'll come back to you" said Ressler, fully believing that it was temporary.
"No!" said Liz a bit harshly and he flinched at her tone. "I've never known. Never, in the entire 10 days they've been alive. I don't know until I look at their bracelets."
"Oh" said Ressler, finally understanding. "Well sometimes I have to think twice too" said Ressler, "I can't tell at a glance. But that doesn't make us bad parents!"
"No?"
"No!"
"Okay" Liz sniffled. "How can you tell them apart though? You seem to figure it out."
"Look" said Ressler, "Luke's head is more squashed, Danny's is more round. Just because of the birth, I think. It's starting to fade and you can't really see it but feel."
He placed Liz's hands the heads of their twins, making her feel them. The difference was minute but it was there.
"And they have different belly buttons. Danny's sticks out a little more then Luke's. But I guess that only works if they don't have shirts on. And sometimes I can't tell at all until I look at the bracelets."
"And that doesn't bother you?" asked Liz, reassured that he didn't in fact know as well as she thought.
"Not really Liz. Right now they're our tiny precious babies and they'd kind of blobs, full of life, but not really persons, you know? Someday soon, before we know it, they are gonna grow into little people with their own special quirks. Like the way that Aggie twirls her hair around her finger or the way that Eth is always jumping up and down and flapping his arms like a duck when he's excited. They'll have little things that are just them, and then we'll know who's who. For now, it doesn't matter. We love them, both of them, regardless of their names. Right?"
"I suppose so" said Liz, stroking their backs. Ressler leaned against her and wrapped his arms around her, tugging her and their children closer.
It just felt so good to feel them all, to watch his children nestled safety on their Mom.
"Are you sorry, Liz?" he asked after some time as the boys were starting to lose interest. His voice was soft in her ear and his hand playing with the boys as they nursed. She felt his finger pop into Luke's mouth and break the seal before cupping her breast to help him latch better. He'd been starting to hurt her and she was glad, in fact she was just about to do the same, but she wondered how he'd known to do that. Had he read it somewhere? Or was it instinct somehow?
"Sorry for what?" asked Liz, confused but not pursuing it since it seemed whatever he was asking was more important.
"That the boys look so much like me and not at all like you?" His mouth was very close to her ear and he didn't have to speak loud for her to hear. "Are you sorry for that? Because I think I am. Just a little. I wish I could see you in them. Plus you did all that work of carrying them for nine months and bringing them into the world, just for them to look like me. I'm sorry I make such -"
"You made healthy babies Don" said Liz. "We have healthy babies. That's more then some parents have. And I'm not sorry. This world needs more good men, and any son of yours - of ours - will be a good man. I think they are perfect just the way they are. I wouldn't change them for the world. And I think you did your fair share of work too for these guys, you've seen your fair share of loss, you deserve these children. And I think - at least I hope - that you still see me every time you look at them regardless of physical characteristics. Because you remember the woman you made them with and are raising them with. Even after I'm gone -"
"No, Liz" he murmured and she stopped. He traced the outline of her engorged breast, feeling the warmth of her alive in his arms and the warmth of their newborns in hers. "Don't talk like that. Please. I don't want to think like that. But for what it's worth I do think of you every time I see them."
"Okay" she agreed, leaning her head to rest against his. "I won't. But promise me one thing - if it should happen, you'll make your life about our children? Don't get stuck grieving me. Don't forget me - but don't grieve me forever. Move on, including finding someone else to be with, and keep raising our kids to be amazing. And I promise the same."
He nodded and kissed her temple. "I promise."
It was quiet for some time, except for the sounds of the tiny babies as they filled their tiny bellies.
When it was broken in time it was Liz with, "you gave me healthy babies Don. And I don't think I've thanked you for them." He'd thanked her - within minutes of when she woke up and on multiple occasions since then, but she'd never once thanked him - for starting them, deep inside her some nine months ago, for giving of himself to create new beings within her and for accepting responsibility for them with love and adoration and without so much as a second thought. For his role in their life, in the past, the present and the future. "Thank-you. So much" her voice cracked. "I love you."
She felt his nod and the sensation of moisture on her crown where a tear had fallen from his eyes.
"We really don't have much family history for these little guys, hey?" he switched to the conversation to lighter topics, "I mean, your family - well we don't know who they are, the only one we know for sure is Reddington and - whatever's going on with him - if anything - is certainly a result of his own actions. And I mean my Dad died of a bullet, my grandparents of a car accident. Robbie's had heart troubles but - if you think what I've done has been hard on my body, well" he chuckled, "then you haven't met Robby. He's smoked and drank every substance on earth at some point, plus he piles salt on everything he eats. He used to be so heavy, for a few years there before the bypass surgery... The doctor said that his troubles stem from the lifestyle choices he's made and that there's no reason to suspect a genetic component. And my ticker is - well it's a good one Liz, because it's stayed going when others have stopped. And it's restarted once or twice too."
"Sounds like the biggest danger in your family is that you seem to always find yourselves in danger" said Liz. "Let's not pass that to our sons."
It was quiet for a while.
"They're really starting to eat more, hey?" said Ressler. "Their bellies must be getting bigger."
"I feel like a cow" said Liz. "I didn't know it was possible for one person to produce this much milk on her own."
"You're not a cow" said Ressler, "but I will get you your best pump if you want."
She clearly didn't feel empty because she nodded.
He got her the pump and she took care of that while he burped the twins and put them back to sleep in their bassinets.
Only minutes later they were both curled up, out like lights.