Chapter Thirty-One: A Day by the Lake

"Those who love you are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused." —Alan Cohen

We kiss lazily as our hands bravely acquaint with the contours of each other's body. Though there's a slight chill in the air, the goose bumps upon my skin are caused more by the delicious warmth of Peeta's bare chest against my own and the sensual glide of his fingers between my legs.

His lips soon leave mine to plant multiple lingering kisses along my neck and collarbone before finally focusing solely on my breasts. As his tongue playfully circles and flicks at a hardened, tingling tip, I close my eyes and arch into him, trying to ignore the dull throbbing ache in my ribs.

In reply, he gives a deep groan against my skin, and the vibration of it causes a pleasant shiver to course throughout my entire body. Peeta notices this with a chuckle before enveloping his mouth upon the center of my breast, sucking gently as he continues to run his tongue over it. I gasp his name with a whisper and tangle a hand in his hair to bring him closer.

I slowly trail my fingers down his chest and torso with my other hand, and finally sprawl them flat against his stomach— right above the button of his pants. He tenses slightly beneath my palm, and I contemplate moving further down to touch his arousal again.

With my current state of undress, it seems more than a little suggestive, though. I know Peeta said that he wouldn't want or expect our first time to be in a car, but it's not really his self-control I'm worried about. If his mouth and hands can make me feel this amazing, I can't help wondering what it'd be like to venture further, to take that final step in our intimacy, even though I know we're not really ready for it yet.

Then again, why aren't we ready? What am I waiting for? I already know that if I'm ever going to have sex, it'll be with Peeta. I can't imagine being this way—this comfortable, this intimate—with anyone else; I don't ever want to be, either. I can't help thinking about what he'd said earlier, about wanting our first time to be romantic and meaningful—and by the way he'd said it, I know he's thought about it often, that he believes it's inevitable that it'll happen between us. I have to admit that I believe it will, too. Maybe not today, but eventually.

It's a little overwhelming... in a scary, thrilling, beautiful way. Before Peeta, I never saw myself doing these things or anticipating them, never even saw the point of any of it. But I realize now that I was simply living to stay alive, I wasn't living to feel alive.

And I've never felt as alive as I do at this very moment.

I'm still a little dazed that I'm lying with him, completely nude, and it feels so natural. My face is the darkest shade of red it can get, and I am self-conscious of my bruises and scars, but… I don't feel ugly or judged by him. In fact, by the longing, adoring way he's looking at me, I actually feel beautiful—no, I feel sexy. I feel desirable. That's something I never expected or even thought was possible.

I freeze suddenly, taken by complete surprise as his fingers move lower and he slowly slips one of them inside me.

"Is… this okay?" Peeta asks quickly, searching my face for approval with lustful bright blue eyes. He retracts his finger a bit, then pushes it back in as he leans up and kisses my cheek. "Does it hurt you at all? If it does, or if you're not comfortable with it, I'll stop."

I shake my head, closing my eyes tightly because it's too embarrassing to look at him and answer honestly. "I'm fine," I whisper hoarsely. "It just… it feels… different."

I bite my lip as he continues to move his finger with more vigor and begins to rub the sensitive area above it with his thumb. The combination feels so amazing I have to remind myself to breathe. I've never felt anything like this before, and I don't quite know what to think of it—not that I could think even if I wanted to. All I can hear inside my head is the shallowness of my breath and the rapid beating of my heart as my hips begin to thrust up to meet the rhythm of his hand.

"Is it a good different or a bad different?" he whispers huskily into my ear. I can't tell he already knows the answer by the way I'm reacting; I can feel the curve of his smile against my skin and hear it in his voice. "I need you to tell me what you like and what you don't. No need to be shy with me, okay?"

I nod, but I still keep my eyes closed as I answer in a rush, "It's um… it's a good different. And I like everything you do to me."

If it's possible I blush even deeper, and I wonder if I'd be half this open and forward with him if I wasn't currently under the influence of a painkiller. It's true, though. Peeta makes everything feel amazing. I don't think there's anything his hands could ever do wrong.

He chuckles and kisses my jaw before replying in a surprised, yet provocative tone, "Oh, well that's good to hear, my dear Miss Everdeen, because I certainly love doing everything I do to you, and I hope to do it quite often. I want to help your body forget all the pain it's endured by giving it as much pleasure as possible."

I don't trust my voice to come out evenly so I don't say anything in return. I merely nod, letting out a startled gasp as he adds another finger to the first one and continues to rub the sensitive area above it. While he starts out achingly slow, he quickly begins picking up speed and intensity as I vocalize my approval with gasps, sighs, and moans. It's a little embarrassing, but I can't really help the noises emanating from me—especially as the pressure slowly builds inside me again and feels as if it's going to explode.

And then it does.

My mouth drops open as I start to convulse around his fingers and shockwaves of pure bliss travel out to every nerve ending in my body. He kisses me hard, and as I return it with fervor, I can't help feeling dazed. None of this feels real yet. How did I never know my body could feel this way? Would I have ever known if Peeta hadn't shown me? I can't imagine living a life without ever knowing this sort of unbelievable pleasure, now that I've felt it.

As our lips part, a sudden thought occurs to me, and although I know it's stupid to even entertain, I abruptly open my eyes and narrow them at Peeta in a teasing, yet suspicious way. "If I didn't know any better, I'd believe you've done this before."

Though I meant for it to sound like a joke, it comes out more accusatory.

Peeta snorts dismissively and shakes his head, "Good thing you do know better. Of course I haven't. No more than you have." He winks and before I can say anything else, he captures my lips with his again.

I was just about to ask how he knows how to do these things, but it'd more than likely be awkward for both of us, and I'm probably better off not knowing. Peeta didn't grow up sheltered from things like I've been. Besides, it doesn't really matter how he knows these things. All that does matter is what's happening between us at the moment.

Before I can say anything or react, Peeta moves one of my legs over his hip, wraps his arms around my back, and repositions himself beneath me. I realize I'm straddling him, completely nude—save for my shoes and socks, and I cover my chest with my arms, suddenly feeling very self-conscious as he looks up at me with an impish grin. He squeezes my hips, kneading them with his palms before moving his hands around to my backside and scooting my body downward just a few inches. My eyes widen as I feel a hard lump beneath me, and there's no question about what it is.

"I'm so glad we're back together, Katniss. I missed talking to you, kissing you, touching you… just being with you. I thought about you the whole time we were apart. Every minute… hell, every second," he whispers, taking me by surprise. I didn't expect such a heartfelt admission at a time like this. "I'd come here during lunch and just…" he trails off, shaking his head and sighing wistfully as he narrows his eyes up towards the roof of the car.

I lean down and kiss his cheek, and then his chest, before laying my head against it. I sigh contentedly as his warm, gentle hands begin to lightly caress my back.

"I thought about you, too," I answer, moving my arms under his and my hands up to rest upon his shoulders in a loose sort of half-hug. "I'm… really sorry for everything, Peeta. I'm an impulsive idiot."

"You're not an idiot, and it wasn't all you," he says. "I shouldn't have sprung something so serious on you at a time when you already had worries on your mind. I just… I needed to tell you because I don't like keeping secrets from you. You can be happy, Katniss. We can be happy together. We're going to get through all of this, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

"You better not," I reply strongly. He chuckles as he wraps his arms around my back, hugging me and pulling me closer to him. It hurts my ribs a bit, but it's worth the pain. "I like you, Peeta… a lot. I trust you. Please don't make me regret it."

"I'll try my best not to," he replies in an amused tone, and the deep vibration of his voice tickles my ear. "And it's reassuring that you like me a lot."

"You know what I mean," I whisper, but I'm not even sure if I know what I mean. I sigh and mumble into his chest, "I've never felt like this before. I love Prim and my mom and even Gale—" Peeta stiffens a bit at this, but I continue before he can say anything and ruin the moment, "but with you, it's… a totally different feeling."

"Well," he says thoughtfully, kissing the top of my head and shrugging after a moment of silence, "you do make out with me, so that could probably be why."

I laugh, rolling my eyes as I lean forward and touch my forehead to his, "I'm sure that has something to do with it, but it's… way more than that. I don't know. You give me hope. You make me feel alive."

He wiggles his nose against mine and gives me a quick peck on the lips, "I feel the same when I'm with you, but I already know what that different feeling is for me."

I lean back and raise a questioning eyebrow. "What is it then?"

"Love," he answers simply, adding quickly, "I'm not saying that's what it is for you, though."

I avoid his eyes as I sit all the way up again; Peeta groans and sucks in a breath as I accidentally place all my weight on his fully clothed erection. Mortified and worried that I'd hurt him, I lean forward with a quick, "Sorry…"

He shakes his head, his eyes glassy as he places his hands on my hips to move me back to where I was. I bite my lip and playfully roll my hips, which causes him to emit another deep groan.

He closes his eyes and smirks, "Feel free to keep doing that all you want. I find it extremely sexy when you're all assertive."

"Yeah, it feels like certain parts of you do, too," I point out with a laugh. I roll my hips once more, causing him to thrust up against me, and though we've done this before, we both had clothes on then. Peeta still has pants on, though they're a thin khaki material, and I have nothing covering me, so I feel everything much more intimately than any time before. I can clearly feel his bulge rubbing against me, and it causes an intensely pleasurable throbbing like I've never felt before.

"Yeah, definitely," he agrees unabashedly. "Very much so."

I laugh nervously and avoid looking at him, feeling extremely self-aware all of sudden. I can't believe this is happening between us. I remember a time when simply kissing him made my heart beat out of my chest from anxiety, and now here I am—naked, straddling him, and brazenly talking about his penis. I'm brought out of my thoughts, however, when Peeta laces his fingers with mine and squeezes them gently.

"I'd say this is the best moment of my life, but then it'd cheapen all the other moments we've shared, and I value every minute we spend together. But… this is amazing, Katniss. I love being this close to you," he says.

"Me too," I reply, bringing his hands up to my mouth to kiss them. "With you, I mean. I never knew I wanted this…."

"And now?"

"Now…?" I shrug and lean down to kiss him again. When we part, I smile against his lips and whisper, "Now I know I need this. I need you."

By noon, we've more than worked up an appetite. Peeta reaches into the back for a large brown bag full of pastries as I put my clothes back on. He brings an arm around my shoulder and pulls me to him as we eat our doughnuts in contented silence. I try to look out the window, but they're all fogged up and I can only see white.

"It sounds like it stopped raining," Peeta states, running his hand down the length of my arm. I nod and shrug as I take a bite. I noticed it stopped raining about an hour ago, but Peeta was a little distracted. He leans down and whispers mischievously in my ear, "I know something fun we can do."

"I thought we've been having fun," I reply with a small laugh. "Yeah, but I'm talking about a different kind of fun."

Curious, I turn my head and arch an eyebrow, "Like what?"

"Well, I have your brand new fishing pole in the back and a whole tackle box full of goodies…." He grins and winks at me. "There's a huge lake out there, and I'm sure there has to be at least one or two fish in it."

My eyes widen with dawning realization, "Yes! I can teach you how to fish! It's even easier to catch them after it rains." He sends me a nervous smile and a shrug, "Or you can just fish and I can watch? I don't want to ruin anything."

"Fishing takes absolutely no skill, Peeta, and there's no way you can ruin anything. You basically just toss a piece of string into the water and wait!" I reassure enthusiastically, kissing his cheek as I reach for the door handle. "Come on! Let's do this!"

Peeta laughs at how excited I am as he unlocks the trunk of his car. He hands me the dark green fishing pole, a tackle box, and grabs a folded up blanket for us to sit on. I look at him curiously, wondering how he knew we'd need it, and he explains that he'd hoped an occasion like this would arise eventually.

It fills me with warmth, realizing that even when we were broken up, Peeta hadn't given up hope of us getting back together; that he didn't think of it as a permanent parting. As I look at him, with his dampened blond curls, bright blue eyes, and handsome, sweet face, I feel whole. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have someone as good-hearted, beautiful, and talented as Peeta for a boyfriend.

How did I ever think I could accept us being temporary? How did I get through seventeen years of my life without really knowing him? I still don't quite understand why he wants to be with me, or even why he thinks he loves me, but I'm not going to question it. I'll only wish for it to be true, because losing him at this point isn't really an option I'd like to entertain.

When we reach the edge of the lake, Peeta unfolds the cover, making sure there are still a few layers of cloth between us and the wet ground before we both sit down upon it. I place the tackle box between us and open it for the first time. I laugh and shake my head at the abundance of lure, hooks, bobbers, sinkers, swivels, line, and basically every possible piece of fishing equipment filling it to the brim. The salesman definitely saw a huge dollar sign when Peeta walked in the door. I know I won't ever need even half of this, but I don't have the heart to tell Peeta that.

I glance up at him with an approving smile and he returns it, looking suddenly very proud of himself. A bolt of electricity shoots through me as our eyes meet, so I quickly avert my gaze and pick up a pink and turquoise worm with glitter specks.

"These little rubber worms are cute. I have something else in mind, though."

"Like what?" he asks, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion as I stand up.

"Like a real worm," I reply.

I find a rock and turn it over, and as I expected, the rain has caused the worms to come up to the surface. I pluck a good sized nightcrawler and suppress my laughter as I notice Peeta flinch and make a disgusted look as I bring it over to him.

"They always come above ground after it rains. Lots of people think it's because they'll drown inside the ground, but that's not true. They come to the surface to mate, and it's best after it rains because everything's wet and they won't dry out in the sun," I state, remembering reading about it in a book a few years ago.

"Worms have sex?" Peeta looks appalled, but curious. "Really? I always thought they just kind of grew in the dirt by themselves, like plants or something."

I shake my head, "Nope. They have slimy, wet worm sex in the rain. Open your hand." His eyes widen as he realizes I'm going to place the worm in it.

"I need you to hold this so I can put on a sinker, bobber, and a hook. It won't take long. You'll be okay, I promise," I explain with a snort of laughter.

"The things I do for love…." Peeta whispers dramatically. He grimaces and turns his face away as I place the squirming nightcrawler in his palm. He closes his eyes with a look of pure revulsion on his face and holds it as far away as he can.

I quickly thread the bobber and sinker onto the line, and I'm just about to tie the hook when Peeta states in a nauseated tone, "Oh God, please hurry up, Katniss! This thing is getting worm sperm all over me…."

"Oh, you poor baby," I tease, and he pouts his bottom lip. "Okay, I'm done with the pole. Now the fun part…." I grab the hook and grin at him. "You get to hook your first worm."

"But… he's still alive…" he says, looking down at the worm with a sympathetic frown. "Poor little guy just wanted to come to the surface and have a little fun in the rain."

"It's just a worm, Peeta," I laugh and shake my head as I take the worm from his hand. "It doesn't have feelings of love or pleasure or anything. Do you want me to hook it this time?" I offer when I see his conflicted expression. He nods quickly, looking very relieved.

When I poke the worm and twist it a few times upon the hook, I look up to see Peeta staring at me with wide, horror stricken eyes.

"What?"

"That's… I don't think I'll ever be able to do that," he states hoarsely.

"It's not hard—"

"It just looks painful for him," he continues with a shrug. "And for me, too. I keep imagining what you said earlier about the worm wearing a hard-hat—"

"Oh my God, Peeta!" I laugh, feeling my face heat up. "I promise I would never use your man-parts as lure."

"Well, I mean you can if it's for luring a Kat-fish," he winks.

"Lame, Peeta. I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that," I reply, raising an eyebrow at him. He bites his bottom lip to keep from laughing and shrugs. "Okay, I spared you the messy part, now—" I hand the pole to him and he hesitantly takes it from me, "we're ready to catch some fish!"

When he finally catches his first one, even though it's a baby perch, I can't help feeling overwhelmingly proud of him. He gives me a big boyish grin, and seems completely tickled about his accomplishment. We wind up kissing until another fish tugs on the line and distracts us.

We spend the rest of the day fishing and talking about simple things. Neither of us brings up Snow, Coin, his parents, the move, or Haymitch. The day has been wonderful, and we're trying to enjoy just being together again before we have to deal with more serious things.

Peeta catches another perch and a couple trout, but I throw them all back into the lake afterwards. It feels strange to throw food back into the water because I'm not really used to fishing for fun. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a job now, I can afford to buy food if I need it, and I don't have to hunt or fish to stay alive anymore. I feel a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes a few times, but I try to ignore the overwhelming emotions building inside of me and focus on enjoying the moment.

Things are cut short, however, when it begins to downpour without warning. We run to the car as quickly as we can, but we're both drenched by the time we reach it, so making most of the situation, I yank on the back of Peeta's shirt and when he turns around in question, I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my cheek against his chest, immediately losing myself in the warmth radiating from him.

He kisses the top of my head and hugs me in return, and we just stand there in the pouring rain for a few minutes, soaking in each other's arms, before he tilts my face towards his and we share a slow, soft, and very wet kiss.

"So… we have about thirty minutes before we need to pick Prim up," Peeta states when we're finally inside the car. He turns to me with a serious expression and entwines his fingers with mine. "I don't mean to ruin the day or anything, but maybe we should talk a little more about what we're going to do?"

"About what?"

"About when you're going to come live with me?" he whispers. My stomach immediately fills with dread and I can't bring myself to look at him. All day, I had let the agreement fade to the back of my mind because I knew it'd only stress me to worry about it.

"I… don't know," I reply hesitantly. "Peeta, are you sure you really want to go through with this? It's going to be dangerous… and my mom is a lot to take care of—"

"Yes I do. More than anything," he answers strongly before I can finish my sentence. "And the sooner, the better."

I sigh and look out the window, "It'll have to be when I know Snow won't catch us."

"When will that be?"

"I have no idea. He's been gone a lot lately, but it'd be just my luck that he'd come home right when we're leaving."

"Well, I'm ready anytime. Even if it's at three in the morning. You have the phone, so when you feel safe enough, call me and I'll come get you."

I won't ever feel safe enough, but I think of my mom and Prim and the dull ache in my ribs, and I nod. This needs to happen. No matter how scared and nervous I am, I can't bother myself with whatever bad consequences may result. If we stay where we are, nothing good will come of it anyway. I just need to remind myself of that. I can either die hoping for things to change, or I can die trying to change them.

I only hope Peeta's right and everything will work out for the best.

Prim immediately notices the difference between me and Peeta when we pick her up. As soon as she sits down in the car, she grins and asks excitedly, "So, you two back together?"

Peeta winks at her in the rearview mirror and raises our entwined hands as an answer. I roll my eyes, but I can't help the smile that takes over my face as I say, "Yes, Prim. We are."

"Well, I'm glad you finally came to your senses!" she chastises, leaning over the seat to hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek. She turns to Peeta with a triumphant look on her face, "Told you! You owe me a cupcake and twenty dollars!"

He nods and carefully avoids looking at me; I narrow my eyes suspiciously at both of them. "What?"

"I told Peeta that you'd forgive him by the end of this week, and he didn't believe me, so—"

"So she said that if she was right I'd have to give her a cupcake, and I said I'd even add twenty dollars if she was," Peeta explains quickly, his face going red as he looks over at me apologetically. "It wasn't a serious bet or anything, so don't get mad?"

"I'm not, but you both are idiots," I say. "And I better get a cupcake too."

"As many as you'd like," Peeta reassures with a squeeze of my hand, sending me a meaningful smile. "For the rest of your life."

We don't get any time alone when we get to work.

Fridays are always busy, and this one is no exception. Prim comes to the back to help me pan cookies and sprinkle some cupcakes, and Peeta works on the more complicated stuff like making tarts, breads, and decorating specialty cakes. Every so often, though, we catch each other's eyes and he'll wink, and I'll smile and blush, remembering everything that had happened between us in the car earlier in the day.

Prim eventually notices these little exchanges and raises her eyebrows, a huge knowing grin on her face, but she doesn't say anything. I know I'll hear all about it when we get home, though.

Mr. Mellark doesn't say anything outside of business matters, and while he's still nice and polite towards everyone, he definitely isn't his usual jovial self. I'm aware that it's probably because of everything going on between him and his wife, and despite knowing it's for the best that they're divorcing, I can't help feeling guilty about it all.

When the night slows down a bit, he leaves in a hurry, not even telling Peeta where he's going. I can't help but wonder what he has to do that is so urgent at nearly 8 p.m., especially since I know he sleeps at the bakery now. I glance curiously at Peeta, and I can tell he's wondering the same thing. As if reading my mind, he shrugs in answer, looking contemplative as he continues to frost a cake.

I have a million worries weighing on my mind during the drive home.

Prim knows nothing of the plan to move in with Peeta yet, and I don't know how to tell her. Or if I even should. She'll be happy, I know that, ecstatic even, but a part of me is still in denial of it actually happening, and if something prevents it, I don't want to get her hopes up. I've lived this sort of life for so long, worrying about death, keeping my mom and sister alive, and barely getting by, that I can hardly fathom anything different.

I'm nauseated and shaky, and I have a feeling as if Snow already knows about everything just by me thinking about it. The closer I get to home, the more I second-guess going through with everything. I know he'll kill us. He'll track us down, surely, and we'll be murdered in the most painful ways possible.

My eyes fill with tears and, as if sensing my trepidation, Peeta squeezes my hand reassuringly and whispers, "It'll be okay, Katniss. I swear."

But I don't believe him, not now. As I hear the gravel popping under the tires of his car, reality is quickly sinking in again. Yes, I did believe him earlier today, and it was beautiful. But now it seems like a distant dream, like some fantasy of freedom, and I feel like a fool for thinking we could ever escape this hell so easily.

I'll always be paranoid, looking over my shoulder constantly, waiting and worrying. I know I will never really be free of Sqnow. Not until he's dead or I am.

Peeta asks, as always, if he can drive me all the way home. I say no, of course. I have no idea if Snow's home yet, and I'm not willing to take the chance.

He gives me a long hug and, even though Prim is watching us, a slow, tender kiss. I don't fight him on it, either. I have a bad gut feeling, and I don't want us to part. I don't want to go home. I look out at the darkened driveway with dread, my stomach twisting, my ribs aching as the medicine is wearing off, and my head beginning to pound.

"When you feel safe enough to leave, please call me to come get you?" Peeta whispers in my ear. I nod, but even as I do, I don't mean it. I feel sick. This is a horrible idea. "Text me tonight when you can. I want to know you're okay."

I pull back from him and say I will before finally exiting the car.

As we walk home, Prim playfully teases me about being openly affectionate with Peeta and getting back together with him. I barely say anything in reply, though. I mostly nod and fake a laugh occasionally, my mind a million miles away.

When we reach the trailer, all my fears are realized when I see Snow's truck.

Prim and I stop in our tracks, my mouth immediately going completely dry and my legs feeling like lead. I contemplate running away, but I know that will only make it worse. I just have to face this, take whatever punishment he decides to give, and get it over with. My heart is beating fast in my chest and tears fill my eyes as I tell Prim in a shaky voice, "Stay at the end of the trailer until I give you the okay to come inside." She furrows her brows but nods in agreement, a deep frown marring her gentle features.

My hands tremble and I hold my breath as I reach for the door; closing my eyes tightly and daring myself to be brave, I finally push it open and walk inside.

When I finally open my eyes again, I'm greeted by a rifle pointed at my chest.

"It's a nice night for a stroll," Snow growls, jabbing me with the tip of the gun. "Let's take a walk in the woods, shall we? Your momma's waiting for you."