Chapter Thirty-Four: Love

Anyone can love a rose, but it takes a lot to love a leaf. It's ordinary to love the beautiful, but it's beautiful to love the ordinary. —Unknown

Feeling silly for my momentary weakness, I hastily wipe away the tears from my eyes and cheeks. I stand up, take a deep shaky breath, and with a newfound resolve, turn off the shower and grab a towel. I find myself fighting the urge to cry again, however, as I move the gentle fabric along the surface of my skin. All of this is so foreign to me—things like hot showers, soft towels, a comfortable bed to sleep in… basically everything here is a luxury I've grown accustomed to living without. It's a bit overwhelming to take in all at once. I know that with time it might become normal, but at the moment I can't imagine myself ever getting used to it.

Before putting Peeta's t-shirt on, I glance at myself in the huge oval mirror hanging over the sink, trying desperately to see what he finds so beautiful about me. I narrow my eyes, slowly scrutinizing every inch of my naked, frail body, and I still don't understand.

He could have his pick of any other girl… and yet he chose me. Why? My skin is a patchwork of scars, bruises, and cuts. My breasts aren't very big, merely enough to fill the cup of his palm. My eyes aren't bright or dark, but a dull shade of gray. My hair is one thing that's special about me, I suppose, since it's so long… but in the end it can easily be cut, and the color is an unremarkable dark brown.

Still, I completely believe him when he says he loves me.

I don't understand how or why he does, but I know that he's sincere; I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, taste it in his kiss, and feel it in his touch. With all these things, he makes me feel as if I'm the most beautiful girl imaginable. And even if by chance he doesn't really love me and is simply doing all of this out of pity, he's still the most generous, kind, and gentle man I could ever hope to spend my life with. In order to help me and my family he's putting his own safety on the line, along with his reputation and finances, without question or expecting anything in return... which is good, because I already owe him much more than I could ever come close to repaying.

My stomach suddenly twists into a knot of guilt as I recall his disappointment when I'd avoided telling him the truth about what had happened tonight.

After much deliberation in the shower, however, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want things to get off to a bad start between us here… I can't afford for them to. I need him to know that I trust him completely—and I honestly do. Deep down, I'm perfectly aware that he wouldn't do anything to bring me or my family harm, no matter how upset he may get with me.

I also realize a lot of my fear about telling him isn't an issue with trust at all; it's about the possibility of losing him. He's my light in the darkness, and after experiencing the grief I'd felt when we'd broken up, I know for a fact that I couldn't handle things without him at this point; especially since we don't have anywhere else to go.

I'd rather die than go back to the trailer.

But right now, more than ever, we need to communicate without secrets. I know that I'll have to tell him the truth about everything. The hard part is finding the courage to say what I need to, though. It's inevitable that he'll find out somehow anyway; if not from me, Prim will certainly say something eventually. It's better that I tell him sooner than later.

After all, I'd rather not get too comfortable in this place if he decides he doesn't want to keep me around. With all he's done for me, he at least warrants the truth though… despite what fears haunt my mind or any negative reactions he may have.

With a heavy sigh, I finally get dressed and exit the bathroom.

Besides the sound of the television, the apartment is silent. I see light coming from the crack beneath Peeta's bedroom door and my heartbeat quickens. I'm not quite ready to face him yet, so I turn and head to the living room to check on Prim and Mom. I find Prim alone on the couch, bundled up in a blanket and staring sleepily at the TV. When she notices me, she raises her eyebrows and answers my question before I can ask it.

"Mom's sleeping in the room down the hall. Peeta carried her in there when you were in the shower and also made her some food with a blender."

I'm momentarily startled speechless by this. It warms my heart to imagine Peeta going through the trouble of preparing a meal for my mom. I never asked him to do that, never expected him to care for her, and yet he took it upon himself to do so anyway.

Anyone else would cringe at the sight of her. How did I manage to catch the eye of a boy with a heart of pure gold?

"I ate a ham and cheese sandwich. He said we're welcome to anything we want, though," Prim informs me.

I can tell she's barely keeping her eyes open, yet she gives a small contented smile as I sit down on the couch beside her and soothingly begin to stroke her hair. She's growing up far too fast, but it's times like these when I see the little girl she's been trying to mask lately—I see the childlike innocence in her that I remember having at one time myself. It's long gone for me, but with Snow out of our lives now, there's still a chance for her.

"Katniss?" she whispers after a few minutes.

"Hmmm?"

"I really like it here. I feel safe. We're staying, right?"

"I hope so," I reply. "But that's up to Peeta."

"Well, he told me that this is our home now, too," she says, opening an eye to look at me. "He really loves you, Katniss, he told me so. And I can tell that you really love him, too."

"Oh? And how can you tell?" I ask curiously.

"By the way you hugged him when he came to the trailer and the way you kissed him when we first got here… you didn't care that anyone was watching you."

I don't say anything in return; I only shrug a shoulder and look away from her as my stomach starts to flutter nervously. I think she might be right, but admitting it out loud scares the hell out of me. Love isn't something one should admit freely; I've seen it destroy people. If I ever say the words, I want to be absolutely sure that I mean them.

"Have you told him so yet?"

"Told him what?"

"That you love him," she answers, giving me quizzically look. "I think he'd like to hear it from you. If you love someone, you should tell them. You never know if you might not get the chance again. You of all people should understand that after the night we've had."

I nod curtly and pretend to yawn as I stand up.

"Anyway, it's been an awful night and we both need to get some rest. I just wanted to see if you were alright."

"I am," Prim says. "Are you?"

"Yeah, I think so," I reply, though I'm not really sure that I am. I still feel as if I'm in a daze. Prim frowns as if she doesn't believe me, but she doesn't say anything else. "Good night, Prim. I love you. Tomorrow will be better."

"Good night," she whispers as she pulls the cover up to her chin. "And I love you too."

I turn to make my way to Peeta's room, but it feels unbelievably strange leaving Prim by herself after years of sleeping beside her, especially since I'll be sleeping with Peeta… in a bed, by ourselves. Sure, I slept beside Gale plenty of times, but that was completely platonic.

There isn't anything platonic between me and Peeta.

It brings on a whole new wave of anxiety as I recall what happened today in his car; how far and fast will things go between us with the comfort of a bed and the cover of darkness? I turn back to Prim and cross my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

I almost hope she'll say yes when I ask, "Do you want me to sleep in here with you? I know a lot of horrible things happened tonight, and if you feel—"

"I'm fine. Really," she reassures me as she closes her eyes. "You should go to Peeta. He's worried about you, you know. He was asking me what happened tonight, but I kept my promise to you and didn't say anything. I really wanted to, though."

"Thanks. I'll… tell him eventually," I mumble in reply. "When it feels right." I stand there awkwardly for a few moments, shifting my weight from side to side, unsure of what to say or do next. "Well. Good night."

"Good night again, Katniss," Prim says before yawning and bringing the cover over her head.

I contemplate saying something else in order to avoid Peeta a little longer, but I have nothing else to say and Prim seems to be done with talking anyway. Knowing what I have to do and dreading it, I bite my lip, clench my fists, close my eyes, and dare myself to walk to his bedroom.

I stand outside his door for a minute, taking deep breaths in an attempt to wane my anxiety.

Should I walk in? Should I knock? What exactly is the etiquette for situations like this?

Finally, I knock softly on the door and enter after I hear him answer with a faint "come in."

I immediately take notice that he isn't wearing a shirt, and I can't tell if he has anything else on because the blanket covers the bottom half of his body. My face heats up at the thought of sleeping with a naked

Peeta, and I avoid his eyes as I make my way over to the bed.

"You don't have to knock, Katniss," Peeta says softly, a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "This is your room now, too."

"I didn't know if you were changing or something," I shrug and cross my arms over my chest as I stand awkwardly beside the bed.

"Nothing you haven't seen before," he says with a small laugh. I cut my eyes quickly at him and he arches an eyebrow as if my trepidation is amusing him. "You can't possibly be shy about sleeping next to me?"

"Well, you're only sitting there half naked," I point out. "It's kind of suggestive… after what happened between us today…."

"Just try your hardest to resist my sexy man chest," he teases with a snort, puffing his chest out dramatically. "Seriously, Katniss? The only thing I expect out of you is for you to get a good night of sleep. Nothing else. So please get in bed already and stop treating me as if I'm some sort of sex addict with no self control?"

It isn't really his self-control I'm worried about, though. Still, I move the blankets back to sit down beside him.

With a good-natured roll of my eyes I ask, "You do have underwear on at least?"

"At least. Worry not, I have pajama bottoms on," he states with a boyish grin.

As I look at the earnest expression on his face, I feel absurd for being so nervous and shy around him all of a sudden.

I notice he has a sketchbook next to him, and I can't help but wonder what he'd been drawing before I walked into the room. I sit down beside him and pull the cover up to my shoulders, immediately feeling safe, warm, and contented beneath them.

"I'll put a shirt on if it makes you uncomfortable. I only slept with a shirt on before because Prim was sleeping with us and… anyway, I usually sleep without one. And since this is going to be a normal thing…." he begins to ramble. Evidently my nervousness from a few moments ago automatically transferred to him as soon as I sat down.

"It's fine, Peeta," I reassure as I lay my head on his arm and entwine our fingers beneath the blanket.

Being with him like this again, with my eyes closed and his warmth melting into me, all my worries seem to fade away. I kiss his bicep before lifting his arm and bringing it around to rest upon my shoulders. With my cheek against his bare chest, electricity spreads down through my body as he plants a lingering kiss on the top of my head.

"Good to hear. Being comfortable is always preferable," he whispers. He begins to caress my shoulder as if trying to warm me up, evidently noticing how I'm trembling slightly… but the way my body is acting has nothing to do with the temperature. I'm still a bit shaken from the horror of earlier tonight, and I can't seem to make the shivers go away… even the hot shower didn't help.

He leans down and murmurs huskily near my ear, "That being said, if you're more comfortable sleeping without a shirt on, I have nothing against it."

As the deep vibration of his voice resonates through my body, along with the meaning of his words, I begin trembling for other reasons entirely.

I snort and lean my head back to playfully retort, but I'm immediately struck speechless by the closeness of his lips to mine. I glance up at his eyes, which are slightly dazed as he smiles at me… and I know he senses it, too… the magnetic force that always seems to pull us together. I don't fight it as he closes the couple inches of distance between us. It just feels like the natural thing to do… effortless and instinctual.

All I know at the moment is that I need to be closer to him.

Our kiss starts out slow and sensual, even a little shy, but I soon find myself straddling his lap as the passion between us grows increasingly frenzied and hungrier. His hands slowly glide up my legs and I try to focus solely on how he's making me feel. I want to lose myself in his kiss and his touch and forget everything else.

Having very nearly died tonight, I want to feel as alive as I possibly can before reality rudely steps back in.

His hands slip beneath my shirt, trailing the length of my back before squeezing my hips and pulling me closer. I give a startled gasp against his open mouth as he suddenly thrusts up against my center; I break our kiss and scoot back alightly as I slide my hand down his chest and between our bodies. It's his turn to gasp as I boldly caress my palm along his length and grip him through the thin fabric of his night shorts. He lets out a muffled groan of approval, trying his best to be quiet so Prim can't possibly hear him, and I start to plant kisses along his neck.

I know I'm initiating things I probably shouldn't, but I can't bring myself to stop. It feels too impossibly good… and don't we deserve to feel good? I came close to never seeing him or experiencing this sort of pleasure ever again, and the realization only causes me to want more.

Peeta places his hands on the back of my head and pulls me closer, bringing my lips to his with an urgency to deepen our kiss again. However, the moment is ruined completely when he touches the sensitive spot where Snow had pulled my hair and I cry out as crippling, intense pain shoots through me.

Immediately and without thinking, I yank his hands away from me with force and hastily remove myself from his lap. I rock back and forth with my eyes squeezed shut, waiting and hoping for the throbbing pain in my head to subside; he places a hand on my shoulder, but I shrug it away, feeling as if any touch is simply too much.

"What happened? Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry…." Peeta frantically begins apologizing, but I can't even form words to reply.

Once the pain has almost completely ebbed away and is tolerable again, I glance over at him with tears in my eyes to find him studying me with a deep frown, his eyebrows knitted together in genuine concern.

"You didn't…" I answer with a heavy sigh and a shake of my head. "Peeta…." I trail off as I debate telling him everything. I should… I need to. Delaying it will only make things worse later, after all.

"Was it him?" he asks with a protective edge to his tone. I nod, but I don't trust my voice so I remain silent. "Did it happen tonight?" I shrug and close my eyes again, suddenly feeling like breaking down into tears; he brings an arm around my shoulders and consolingly holds me against him. "I wish you'd just tell me what happened…." he whispers pleadingly. "I saw the scrapes on your legs, and I know for a fact they weren't there earlier today. I know something—"

"I shot Snow," I blurt.

The silence that follows is deafening, but if I listen closely enough, I can almost hear my world crashing down around me. Peeta's whole body stiffens at my confession and I immediately regret saying anything at all. It's too late to take back my words now, however.

Finally, he takes a deep breath and whispers hoarsely, "Is he dead?"

"I… I don't know. He was unconscious and bleeding, but I didn't stick around to see," I answer, feeling unbelievably stupid. Tears start to pour down my face as I continue, "I know I should have checked if he was still alive, but I just wanted to get my mom and Prim back to the trailer and leave…."

"What did you do with the gun?" he inquires in a deadly calm voice.

"I tossed it over the cliff."

"What cliff? Katniss, please… I need you to explain from the beginning," Peeta pleads in a grave tone. All trace of humor is gone from his voice, and when I pull back to look at him, I see his jaw muscles clenching and his eyes seem absolutely manic. I can tell he's worried and frightened, but I don't know if it's of me or for me.

"He… took me to a place along the edge of the woods where there's a huge drop… like a hundred feet or so. He had a rifle pointed at my back the whole way so I couldn't run. My mom was there, too… he had her tied up. He was trying to force me into shooting her… said he'd kill me if I didn't. Push me off a cliff or shoot me. He threatened to kill Prim, too, but… I knew he'd kill us anyway, no matter what I did. I was sure I was going to die, but luckily I'd told Prim to hide before all this happened… if it wasn't for her distracting him at the right moment…" I take a deep breath to choke back a sob, but it escapes me anyway.

I'm saying all this in a panicked rush, and I know Peeta probably thinks I'm crazy for what I've done. I can't look at him. And as much as I want to, I can't stop crying now that I've started. I'm an absolute mess. I gulp in deep breaths of air to calm down, but it only makes things worse. I'm taken by surprise when I feel his hand begin to rub my back, though.

"I should be dead right now," I whisper weakly.

"No, you shouldn't be!" Peeta counters strongly and hugs me tightly to him. If possible, I cry even harder at this. I wrap my arm around his waist and rest my tear-stained face against his chest. "Never say that again."

"But what if he's not dead, Peeta? What if he comes after us? Hell, what if he is dead? That makes me a murderer! I can't tell which is worse… I'm seriously better off dead!" I shake my head in frustration and desperation, feeling as if reality is hitting me with full force. I'm nauseated and dizzy and my body begins shaking even more vigorously as adrenaline pumps through my veins. I don't even want to be in my own skin at the moment. "You deserve better than this, Peeta… better than me! I know you never expected any of this when we started dating. If you want me to leave, I will—"

"Shhh. Just try to calm down," Peeta whispers, moving my legs over his and bringing me onto his lap. Embracing me gently, he cradles me lovingly against his chest as he begins rocking me in his arms, and places multiple comforting kisses on the top of my head as I continue to cry.

"What am I going to do?" I whisper.

"For one, you're going to stop talking about dying and leaving me," he answers sternly. "Second of all, what you did was self-defense and you shouldn't feel bad about it! He had it coming. I would have done the same thing if I'd been in your position... anyone would have. What you did was brave and heroic. You saved yourself and your family… who can fault you on that?"

"The police," I answer cynically. "I'll go to prison if they find out what I did. Coin will make sure of it."

"They'd have to prove that it was you who shot him, though. From what Haymitch told me, Coin and his thugs have no shortage of enemies… anyone could have shot him," Peeta states with confidence as he trails his fingertips soothingly along the length of my arm. "How far off is this cliff in the woods anyway?"

"I don't know. A mile or so?" I answer with a shrug. I rest my head beneath his chin and continue in a shaky murmur, "Maybe they won't find the gun? It's nothing but sharp, jagged rocks all the way down, and Snow once told me that no one would bother looking down there."

I'm sure Snow mostly told me that to make me scared, but right now I'm desperate for it to be true. Apart of me regrets throwing the rifle over the cliff, allowing it to be found by anyone who chooses to look for it, but I guess it's better there than here or at the trailer. I can't really think of anywhere else it'd be better off being. If they ever do happen to find it, maybe it'll be rained on so much by then that any trace of fingerprints will have already been eroded away.

"Even if they do, it was still self-defense. You didn't get on that cliff with him by accident! Your story, along with the scars on your body, your mom's condition, and that... place... he had you living… trust me, Katniss… there's no need to worry on your part," Peeta firmly reassures, giving me a gentle squeeze within his arms as he continues to sway me back and forth. "Even so, trust that I'd pay for the best defense team this country has in order to protect you. I will never ever let anyone hurt you again."

He runs a hand along the length of my hair, and I close my eyes as I begin to feel myself relax once more. Sobs still randomly escape me when I try to breathe in, though, so I hold my breath in a feeble attempt to regain my composure.

We're both silent for a few minutes before I ask with dread, "But what if he's still alive…?"

"He'll have a hell of a time getting into this place, won't he?" Peeta says. His tone is self-assured and vigilant, and I feel increasingly at ease the more he holds me in his arms. "We can't really avoid school without getting in trouble, but I think maybe you should take a break from the bakery for a while. Only temporarily… until Coin's arrested, at least. He knows you work there and so does Snow… and I don't want you working in constant fear of them showing up. We can easily find someone to step in for the time being. Besides I'd rather you stay here with your mom until we can get some sort of help to stay with her."

"I'll miss the bakery, but if you think that'd be for the best…" I agree quietly with a small shrug and a quick nod, finding that I'm both relieved and nostalgic at this new development. I feel relief because Peeta is right; I'd be constantly paranoid of them showing up, and I'd also rather not leave my mom alone in a place she doesn't know. I'd hate for her to get out of the apartment somehow… or worse, cause a fire or something. However, I already feel intense nostalgia when I think of not seeing the bakery for a while; it was the one place I felt truly happy. Then again, this place seems like it won't be too bad in comparison.

My stomach twists unpleasantly as I think of something else, though. "What about you... and your dad? I'll be worried sick while you're gone all night."

"We'll be fine. I'll call you every half hour if it makes you feel better, though. Right now, I just need to know you're safe. It's not me that they're after. If anyone comes in asking about you, I'll just say you quit. Snow told my dad that he thought it'd be best if you didn't come to work at the bakery again anyway, so it's not like we'd be entirely lying. Dad was pretty angry about the whole situation with him, by the way. I almost wanted to tell him I was coming to get you guys when I left the bakery tonight, but I didn't know if that would have been okay with you. I'm going to have to tell him eventually, though…"

I try not to dwell on Mr. Mellark finding out about my mom, or what he'll do about it when he does. I know Peeta's right… he'll have to be told one way or another if we continue to live here. I decide not to comment on it, though. That's an obstacle we'll have to deal with later.

"I just want everything to be normal again. I hope you're right about Coin being exposed soon… I don't want to hide for the rest of my life," I mumble as I entwine my fingers with his. He caresses the top of my hand with his thumb before I bring his hand up to my lips.

"Haymitch said this is probably one of the easiest investigations he's ever done. They've gotten comfortable in their corruption… they don't even really bother hiding it at all. It'll be no time before they're arrested. I'm supposed to meet with him tomorrow, but I'm going to move it to Sunday. Something tells me we're not going to sleep much tonight," Peeta says. "You should come with me, you know. To hear all the dirt he's found on them. Believe me, there's a lot."

"Maybe," I reply, finding myself curious to know the details, yet hesitant at the thought of being around someone as crude as Haymitch. Perhaps we just got off on the wrong foot, though. After all, anyone who is actively taking on the challenge of taking Coin and his cohorts down can't be entirely bad, right? I attempt to keep my voice even and fail miserably as I ask, "Are you going to tell him what I've done?"

"No," he answers automatically, as if it required no thought at all. I look up at his rigid, determined face with surprise and adoration. I can't believe how well he's taking this and how quick he is to defend me. I saw this confession going so horrifically different, but I guess I should have known I could count on Peeta to come up with a way to help me, not hurt me.

I can actually feel the burden being lifted from my shoulders as he continues with confidence, "Unless anyone can prove otherwise, you're going to say you don't know where he went. That you simply came to live with me because you were tired of living the way you had been... hell, I'll say I insisted on it. If anyone tries to get you to admit to anything, that's when we call for a lawyer. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you, Katniss. I promise you that. I love you… we'll get through this together."

"You really still want to be with me?" I ask breathlessly. I know the answer is yes, but I'm just a little shocked by all this. I'm so extremely touched and comforted by his words and support that I feel like crying all over again. It almost seems like a dream to have someone as understanding and loving as Peeta in my life. I know as long as we're together, I'll never have to face any of this alone, and maybe… just maybe… this will all work out for the greater good and we'll find true happiness someday. Still, I whisper in disbelief as I look up at him with tears in my eyes, "You don't think I'm a monster?"

"Monsters don't care that they're monsters because they don't see themselves that way. You shot a monster… that doesn't make you one," he answers with a shake of his head. "You did what you had to do, Katniss. You want to know what I think of you? I think you're a hero, a fighter, a survivor… but never a monster."

I release a breath and rest my head in the crook of his shoulder as he runs his fingertips soothingly over my hair and down my back. He seems defensive on my behalf that I'd even ask him such a thing.

He plants a light kiss upon my temple before continuing with fervor.

"And of course I still want to be with you! That was never even a question, Katniss. You really think I'd abandon you because you shot someone who wanted to kill you? After seeing what he's done to your mom, and all the abuse I've witnessed him do to you throughout the years, I wish the bastard was in front of me right now so I could shoot him myself!"

Hearing my normally sweet and even-tempered Peeta so fired up and outraged by Snow's treatment of me and my family, zealously justifying my actions against him, and adamantly defending me so wholeheartedly, I feel the need to show him how much his unwavering, endearing support and protection means to me.

I'm not good with words, so I show him in the only way I know I can't mess up; I gently tilt his chin downward and capture his lips in such a beautiful, passionate, and heartfelt kiss.

"I love you, Katniss," he whispers near my ear. "More than anything. Don't ever doubt that, okay?"

I nod and, without thinking, I let the words I feel for him finally slip past my lips for the very first time, knowing I mean them fully and honestly.

"I love you too, Peeta."