Chapter Fifty: The Beginning
"The human mind is an amazing thing. It protects us when we can't protect ourselves. Sometimes when we're holding pain and it gets to be too heavy or goes too deep, we have to give in to it, let it knock us over and pull us all the way down. Once we hit bottom, we rest in a quiet place for a while. Then, when the pain eases and we're ready to face the world again, we come right back up."― Beth Hoffman
December 3
My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm 17 years old. I'm an abuse survivor. My home is Mockingjay, Maine. I've been living here for 2 months.
I have two new friends, Annie and Finnick Odair. I'm also friends with another Lady of Light, Johanna Mason. She's rough around the edges and straight-forward - I found her intimidating and a little annoying at first, but she's grown on me. As of two weeks ago, I started interning at the lighthouse and I love it. I've also discovered I really love fishing on a boat - I've been out 4 times already. It's more fun to fish in an ocean than a lake - you never know what you'll catch!
Peeta is still in Panem and I miss him so much it makes my heart sick. We video-chat every night now, since I have a laptop for school. He tells me that the repairs to the bakery are going more quickly than expected, and he'll be here by Spring. Proja surprisingly came to an understanding with Peeta and his dad, apologized, and is helping with repairs. The divorce between Mr. Mellark and his wife is underway.
Mom is making progress. A little bit, but more than I expected. She can chew and drink on her own now. She's gaining weight and muscle mass, and likes to walk (with a walker, of course). Her memories are still fuzzy and she's in-and-out with them. I hear she asks for me and Prim a lot, whether she means the grown up versions of us - I'm not sure. It breaks my heart that I can't be there with her and help with her recovery.
Prim is blossoming wonderfully here. She has so many new friends I can't remember all of their names, but it's not unusual for her to have 2 or 3 friends over in the evening. She's doing very well in school. I couldn't be more proud of her. She's very independent, and while it hurt at first to not be needed as much as before, I've come to appreciate that about her. If there's one word I'd use to describe her, it's resilient. I have no doubt she can do anything she sets her mind on.
Snow has vanished into thin air it seems. Wherever he is, I wish him the worst and I hope he's miserable. Coin is in prison, awaiting trial, and his bail was denied. I'm unclear of the charges, since I don't really want to know the details - only if I have to worry about him or not. But according to Peeta (and Haymitch), it does not look good for him at all and I have nothing to worry about. I hope he's right.
Gale is doing okay. He stopped by the bakery to ask Peeta how I was doing, and Peeta gave him my number. He called me once and didn't really talk much. He doesn't like talking on phones. But Peeta tells me he stops by the bakery and helps with repairs from time to time, asking how I'm doing.
I'm writing all this down in a journal as a form of therapy, recommended by my therapist - Dr. Aurelius. I still have my down days, but therapy and medicine are making it a lot easier to cope with life. My missed periods were caused by hypothalamic amenorrhea - which is caused by poor diet, over-exercise, and high stress levels. I've been put on a high calorie diet (I've gained 15 pounds already!) and vitamins to help with that. I finally got my period again a couple weeks ago.
I think I'm doing well, for the most part. I have a lot more energy than I've felt in a long time. I got a haircut a few days ago! Not much, only about six inches or so. It still reaches past the middle of my back. I just came to realize it was weighing me down, physically and emotionally. My father is all around me now, and I don't need to keep uncomfortably long hair to remind me of him.
I needed to cut off the dead ends and have a fresh start.
I hold my pencil to the paper, my mind reeling, feeling as if I could easily write about three more pages - at least. So much has happened in such a seemingly short amount of time. For so long, before coming here, life was stagnant and hopeless. I dreamt of change, but could've never imagined this. My life is unrecognizable now - not in terms of greatness or sorrow, but everything as a whole. Instead of surviving, I'm finally living. I'm surrounded by beauty, by people who love and care for me, who only want the best for me.
One thing I've learned in therapy is that the future is more important than the past. You can't change what's already happened, but you can change who you become. You can either wallow in misery, reliving every horrible thing you've experienced, and spread that negativity to the world - or you can break the cycle. You can be the person who brings hope to others, advocate for those in need, who need a voice when theirs have been silenced.
I think of how lucky I am to be here, to have had kindhearted people lift me up from the depths of hell and save me from more abuse and the certainty of death. And then I think of others who aren't as lucky. Those who never got a chance.
Those who are stuck where I was, hopeless and helpless. My heart aches at the thought - and god, do I want to help them. I want to save them all.
With a sigh, I close my notebook and gaze out at the sea, my thoughts soaking into the sparkling ripples, drowning into peace. It's a calm, sunny day - beautiful, despite the chill in the air. I lift the hood up on my coat and stand, stepping over to the rail of the lighthouse lookout.
This has become my favorite place of solitude, of collecting my thoughts and pouring them out onto paper. I imagine how many others before me had stood in this exact spot, if Hannah Lewis herself had stood here night after night, waiting with a heavy heart for her love to return.
Sometimes, when I'm having one of my bad days, I wonder if I'm doomed to the same fate. Snow's still out there, hiding somewhere, likely scheming his revenge against me. And Peeta's still there in that town, an easy target….
Boom, boom, boom.
I'm brought out of my thoughts by someone knocking on the lighthouse door. For a moment I stand still, uncertain of what to do. The door isn't locked, I'm sure of it. Johanna, the present lighthouse keeper had gone into town about 30 minutes ago and is due back soon, but she sure as hell wouldn't knock. As for the locals, they rarely venture up here - and this town doesn't get many tourists, especially in the winter.
In any case, I'm the only one here and whoever it is, they're persistent. The knocks keep coming. Finally, I take a deep breath and head inside the tower to make my way down the long spiraling staircase.
I try not to trip as the knocks become quicker, louder, more frantic. I'm halfway down when they stop altogether. For a moment I debate walking back up to the lookout and ignoring whoever it is. But then… as if by its own volition, my body keeps making its way down until I reach the main floor, and then the door.
I open it - and there's no one there.
Taking a few steps out, I cautiously survey the landscape.
Then I see him, standing out by the cliff, his hands resting on the rails as he looks out at the water. I can't tell who it is - maybe Finnick? I've never seen him wear that coat though - forest green. They have a hood up and mittens on, and Finnick would never do that - he's acclimated to this environment. Hell, he was wearing a t-shirt on the boat the other day when it was snowing.
"Hey!" I call out in greeting, question laced in my tone. I don't really feel like giving a tour today, or talking to anyone for that matter, but the guy wouldn't have knocked for no reason. This will be my job soon; might as well show some initiative. "You knocked? Can I help you?"
I'm halfway to him when he turns around.
My heart stops. My blood freezes in my veins. I must be losing my mind.
Peeta stands there, a huge grin on his weather-reddened face. He looks older, taller, even more handsome than I remember.
My legs have stopped working. My mouth can't form words. I stand in place, wide-eyed in disbelief as if seeing a ghost.
He walks over to me as he answers, "Yeah, I believe you can. I'm looking for a beautiful goddess named Katniss Everdeen." I open my mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. Finally, he stands right in front of me. He reaches out and places his mittened hand on my face, caressing my cheekbone with his thumb. "I was told I might find you here," he says softly, his voice like velvet.
"I… I–how…" My voice breaks, my throat constricting and tears clouding my vision.
"Surprise?" He gives a short chuckle, his eyes full of tears as well.
Overcome with too much emotion to speak, I do the only thing I can to show him how happy I am to see him. I lunge forward, wrapping my arms around him tightly, and begin sobbing into his chest. His arms move around mine, enveloping me like a blanket, holding me tightly to him. I melt into his warmth. He places a lingering kiss to the top of my head before resting his cheek against it, his hands caressing my back. I could stand here forever, which is totally possible considering I doubt either of us will be the first to let go.
"You came… you really came," I mumble into his chest in disbelief. I have so many questions, I don't know where to begin. I just video-chatted with him last night and he was in his apartment. He gave no indication that he'd be coming here. I thought it'd be months. "How did you get here?"
"Took a plane," he answers. "I'm renting a car right now until I can buy one here. I didn't think my old one would've made it."
"So you're staying? For good?"
Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes…
"If it's cool with you?"
I snort at the absurdity of his question, then lean back to look up at him with an arch of my brow as if to say 'are you seriously asking me that?'. He shrugs, his grin as big and bright as the sun. Before I can ask any more questions, he quickly captures my lips with his, his hands resting on the sides of my face, warming them against the icy air.
"I've missed this so much, I've missed you," I whisper against his mouth when we break for breath. "I've missed us "
"We won't have to miss anymore," Peeta whispers back.
He then takes me by the hand, leading me over to a big, flat rock overlooking the sea. He sits down, beckoning me to do the same.
For a moment, we just stare out at the water, hand-in-hand, his arm around me and my head on his shoulder, until he murmurs, "I came for a reason, you know. To tell you something big and I had to tell you in person… a phone call, not even a video-chat would've sufficed—"
I lift my head to look at him, my brow knitted in concern and curiosity. What could be so big that he'd come all the way here to tell me face-to-face, months earlier than planned? His expression is unreadable, his demeanor hesitant, as he stares off into the distance.
"Well, what is it?"
He takes a deep breath, releases it slowly, then turns towards me. I brace myself for whatever he's about to say.
"Snow's dead," he finally announces. "You'll never have to worry about him, ever again."
He studies my face, waiting for me to say something - give some sort of reaction. But… I don't know what to think, let alone say. I know he would never lie to me, but I just don't believe it. It doesn't seem real. Nothing about any of this feels real. At any given second I'm going to wake up in my bed, disappointed. That, or this dream will turn into a nightmare and Snow will rip off his Peeta mask, laughing at my gullibility.
"How?" I manage to whisper, my eyes drifting down to Peeta's hands holding mine. I can feel the warmth, but it's as if I'm looking at them from outside of my body - or rather, inside a body that suddenly feels foreign.
"He was found out on an old logging road in his truck. Apparently he'd been there for a while, must've died around the time you left. They're saying he overdosed on a bunch of drugs," Peeta answers, then falls silent for a moment before asking softly, "How are you feeling?"
How do I feel?
He's just told me that the monster I've lived with for years, who has haunted all my nightmares and daydreams, the only fear that plagues my happiness, just… doesn't exist anymore. He's gone. Bones and dust and decay. The only marks he ever left in this world are on my body. A body ravaged by battle scars, but a body that won.
How do I feel?
I don't feel grief. I don't feel remorse or fear or anxiety. I feel free. I feel relieved.
I feel what Snow isn't anymore - alive.
I know it's wrong to be happy to hear that someone's dead, but I can't help it - and I don't feel badly about it. He definitely wouldn't have shed any tears if I had died; he would've been the one to cause it. We no longer have to watch over our shoulders, wondering if he'll randomly show up to make our lives hell again.
God, I can't wait to tell Prim.
Tears roll down my cheeks as a rumble of laughter pours from my mouth. Peeta smiles in return, seemingly relieved at my reaction, then wraps his arms around me, bringing me into a warm, snug hug.
I melt into him.
"This is the best day ever," I proclaim against his chest. "He's gone, you're here… I feel like I'm dreaming, except my dreams are never this happy."
"I feel the same exact way," Peeta replies, nuzzling the top of my head with his cheek. "Our life together can finally start now. There's nothing holding us back."
Perfect. It seems too perfect - too easy. Ever since we began dating, there's always been some sort of complication getting in the way, an ever present cloud casting a dark shadow over the future; not just in terms of our relationship, but everything. I didn't believe I had a future before I was with Peeta, I was cautiously hopeful after, and now… now, I actually have one. With him. With Prim safe and happy. With family and friends. Without Snow.
How will it feel to finally wake up every morning without fear? To be truly happy, carefree, and in the moment?
Even as I revel in the idea of an unhindered future, there's a pit in my stomach telling me it's too good to be true. There has to be some sort of catch.
"Does your dad know you're here?" I ask after a moment.
"Yeah, he knows. He was the one who told me I should give the news to you in person," Peeta replies with a shrug. "The bakery is fixed up as much as it can be; there's already a few offers on it. Dad's retiring and moving closer to your mom to help with her recovery. He's been visiting almost every weekend as it is."
Words fail me; the only thing I can do is nod.
I'm relieved that my mom has a familiar face around, even if it can't be my own. It also makes me feel guilty. I still feel as if I've abandoned her - and I don't think that feeling will ever go away, honestly. Maybe if she's well enough, someday, I can transfer her here. I'd visit her everyday, perhaps bring her to see the ocean if it's allowed. I just wish I was there to tell her that Snow's dead - that she outlived him.
I take a deep breath, quelling tears from making their way to my eyes again, then change the subject as I pull back to look at him.
"What are you going to do about school?"
"I'll finish online, like you. Also, I spotted a couple inns in town - I'll stay at one of them until I can find a place to—"
"Yeah right," I scoff with a smile. "Knowing my grandma, she's not going to go for that at all. She'll probably be fixing you up a place to sleep as soon as you walk through the door."
"I'm not going to assume," he shrugs. "Your grandparents don't know me yet. The only thing they know is that I'm your boyfriend."
"Fiance."
"Still, it'd be a lot to ask of them."
"It's not like we're going to mess around in the house."
"They'll totally believe that," Peeta deadpans. I frown at his doubtful grin, my cheeks warming up.
"Anyways," I look away, avoiding his eyes, "if it weren't for you, Prim and I wouldn't be here. They know that."
My eyes flutter closed when I feel Peeta's lips on my temple. He then leans his forehead against the place he'd kissed and wraps his arms around me again.
"It doesn't matter. Whether I'm there or down the street, I'm here with you. I'm not going anywhere. You're kinda stuck with me now," he murmurs next to my ear, sending a familiar tickle down my neck and spine. Peeta gives a small laugh when I shiver and bring my ear to my shoulder in response. I turn my head towards him, but I can't get a word out before his lips are on mine again - which is totally fine by me. I lift a hand up to his neck, bringing him closer as I deepen our kiss.
We only part a few minutes later when a car pulls into the drive.
We're still wrapped in each other's arms, our foreheads together, when I hear Johanna call out, "Hey lovebirds, make yourselves useful!"
I sigh, feeling annoyed at the interruption. She could handle a few bags of groceries on her own - and today is not an intern day for me. I'm just here because I want to be. She's just being nosy, and for certain, wants to embarrass me in some way. She knows about Peeta; I've told her about him. Now, I'm thoroughly regretting that decision.
Still, Peeta - as helpful as always - begins to make his way up the hill to her. I reluctantly follow.
Nothing is said as we each grab a single bag, which she definitely could've carried in all by herself in one trip, and take them inside. Once they're all placed on the table, I look at Peeta to see him gazing around the room with a warm smile, seemingly oblivious to
Johanna staring at him like a cat preying on a mouse, her lips curled up in a mischievous grin.
She catches my eye and mouths the word "Nice." I roll my eyes, then give her a warning glare. Her grin widens as she nods towards Peeta, raising her eyebrows for an introduction.
"Um, Peeta - Johanna," I mutter halfheartedly, gesturing between the two, "Johanna - Peeta."
"Nice to finally meet you," Peeta greets brightly, reaching a hand out towards her.
Johanna saunters over to him and lazily places her hand in his, not so discreetly running a thumb over the top of his hand as she drawls, "Mmm… very nice indeed."
She keeps hold of his hand long enough to make things awkward. Well, maybe not for Peeta. He just looks pleasantly amused by the interaction. Still, I quickly make my way to his side and take his other hand in mine, giving it a slight squeeze to tell him 'it's okay, you can let go now' - which he promptly does, and buries the hand in the pocket of his coat as if afraid Johanna might grab it again.
"We're, um, we're going to head out now, okay?" I say, leading Peeta to the door.
Johanna pouts her bottom lip as if I've just taken away a new toy, then shrugs, giving a small wave.
"The road's slick. Drive easy," she states with a suggestive lilt to her tone.
Peeta nods before I open the door and practically push him out, following him from behind.
"Really?" I ask as we make our way to his car.
"What?" he replies far too nonchalantly.
"You enjoyed every second of that, didn't you?"
"Of what?"
I lean into him, holding onto his arm as I mimic with my best attempt at a sexy voice, "Veerrry niiice."
"I was just being polite to your boss," he snorts. "What was I supposed to do, slap her hand and tell her it's not very nice?"
"She's not…" I huff dismissively. "Whatever. All I know is you're never gonna be alone with her."
Peeta laughs.
"You don't trust me?"
"I trust you completely. I don't trust her."
"Fair enough," he shrugs, bringing an arm around my shoulder and kissing the top of my head.
Once we make it to his car and I open the passenger door, I'm greeted by a big, yellow tabby curled up in the seat.
"Buttercup!" I pick him up and hold him to my chest, hugging him despite his meows of protest. "Prim's going to be so happy to see you!"
"Hopefully your grandparents will be too," Peeta winces with a chuckle as he sits in the driver's seat.
I hold on to Buttercup, petting him to quell my nerves, as we make our way to the house. My worlds are about to collide.
"It's going to be okay, you know. Even if they hate me, I'm not going to be scared off," Peeta reassures, but he looks just as nervous as I do.
"They're not going to hate you. There's no chance of that," I state more confidently than I feel.
I know they'll probably love him - why wouldn't they? But I've never been in this position, of introducing a boyfriend, let alone a fiance, to parental figures. Mr. Mellark doesn't really count; that happened naturally, without anything needing to be said or explained. I don't know my grandparents well enough to know how they'll react, though I highly doubt it'll be bad.
This is all just so new to me. I don't know what to expect. Well, aside from Prim - I know she's going to be ecstatic.
"Well, I guess this is the moment of truth," he announces as he pulls into the driveway. Once he parks and turns the car off he turns to me. "You ready?"
I nod. "As ready as I'll ever be."
The warmth embraces us as we step into the house. I take Peeta's hand in mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze as we slowly round the corner to the living room.
The TV is playing an old sitcom featuring laugh tracks by the dozen, but the room is empty. I release a breath, my anxiety waning at the temporary postponement of introductions. Peeta leads me farther in, his gaze following the walls, skipping from photograph to photograph until it lands on one of me in third grade, standing proudly in front of a stage, all teeth and cheeks. I'd just completed my role as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. My parents must've found it to be such a big moment that they'd enlarged the photo to send to my grandparents - or maybe my grandparents did it themselves.
In any case, it's still a bit surreal to me that my childhood pictures are hanging on someone's living room wall. Peeta points at it, grinning in recognition.
"I remember when this was taken."
"Well, yeah. You were there…"
"Yeah, but I mean, I actually remember the photo being taken. Your mom was off to the side, holding Prim, talking to my parents. Mom wasn't too happy about that afterwards, come to think of it - I thought she'd just hated the play. Anyways, it was your dad who took the picture - and I remember thinking how his eyes never left you - you were the only person in the room to him. He couldn't have been prouder of you then…" He looks over at me, his kind eyes fixed on mine. "No doubt, he'd be ten times as proud of you now."
"He most definitely would be," my grandma agrees from the archway leading to the dining room. Peeta and I whip around to face her as she makes her way to us. "I was wondering when you'd be showing up. Nice to finally meet you, Peeta. I've heard a lot about you."
"Um, you too. It's nice to meet you," Peeta mumbles awkwardly, quickly jutting out a hand to shake hers. Grandma tsks at it, then extends both of her arms, bringing him into a hug. With a few gentle pats to his back, she lets him go before moving onto me.
"I'm so, so happy for you..." she states as she embraces me, tears evident in her eyes before she does so. I return her hug without reply, taken aback for a moment that she'd be so emotional over Peeta showing up. Then, I realize she said she'd been expecting him to arrive. She must've already heard about Snow being dead from Mr. Mellark, and perhaps doesn't know if I know yet, and this is her way of showing her love and support either way.
"So I guess you heard about…" I begin to ask after we part, stopping short when she nods - her face solemn.
"Your pa gave us a call last night, right after you took off," she says, giving a nod towards Peeta. "Told us everything. Poetic justice, in my opinion."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.
"Would've ruined the surprise," she shrugs, her mouth curving into a grin as she winks at Peeta. "Anyways, dinner's almost ready. I'm sure you're probably famished by now, so I best get back to it."
"That's… you don't have to—" Peeta begins, but Grandma swats his words away.
"Your stuff can go in the hallway closet. Also, go ahead and put the cat in Prim's room - that'll be a nice little surprise for her."
"I, um… thank you," Peeta replies with a nod, his face red and his voice shaking a bit. "If it's too much of a problem, I can go stay at an inn..."
"Pshh, and pay an arm and a leg for an old, simple bed? You can stay here as long as need be, if you want to. The sofa's comfy and pulls out, and you're welcome to anything in the fridge. But if you'd rather waste your money…" She shrugs and makes a sweeping gesture toward the door.
"He's good here," I state quickly, to which Peeta gives an adamant nod.
Grandma smiles approvingly, then places a hand on her hip and playfully shoos us away with the other.
"Now, off with you two. I'll call you for dinner. I'm sure you have a bunch to talk about that doesn't include old ladies. Besides, Prim will be home soon and I doubt she'll give you a moment's peace."
"Um, is it okay if I show him my bedroom?" I ask, adding quickly, "I'll leave the door open."
Peeta's eyes go wide, as if I've just asked her if we can go have sex.
Luckily, she isn't looking at him.
"Go right ahead," she answers without hesitation. My surprise must show on my face because she comes closer, gently placing both of her hands on my shoulders before she tells me, "You grew up making choices not even an adult should have to make, and you always made the right choices - ones that kept you and everyone around you alive. I don't expect those good instincts to go bad now. I have complete trust in you."
She's so confident in the way she says it - so confident in me. She doesn't talk to me like I'm a child, but as a grown woman who just happens to live under her roof. I can't explain how good, how thankful, it makes me feel.
She's not just saying she trusts me, but actually giving it to me. Instead of locking me in, trying to prevent any more harm from coming my way, she's given me what I really need - freedom and trust. Not that she didn't do that before Peeta arrived, but… he's the true test of it.
I nod; it's the only thing I can do.
Without any more being said, she turns around and makes her way back to the kitchen.
"Well… that went better than expected," Peeta says, releasing a breath. "I hope your grandpa is just as welcoming."
"I'm sure he will be. From what I've seen, Grandma is more of the authoritative voice around here. Don't let it worry you too much. Even if he just so happens to be a little harsher, he's a man of few words," I reassure then lean up to plant a quick kiss on his cheek. I take his hand in mine again and begin to lead him to the front door. "Come on. Let's go get Buttercup."
I stop and turn back to look at him when I'm met with resistance.
"But… aren't you... your room?" He wiggles his brows, grinning; I roll my eyes. As if we're going to do anything up there other than simple, innocent kissing.
"After."
Peeta has a suitcase in hand and Buttercup is secure in my arms as we head back to the house. We're stopped midway, however, by Grandpa, who hobbles his way to us from his shed. We redirect our path towards him and meet him halfway, though he's still gasping for breath by the time he stands in front of us.
Before saying anything, he takes off his woodworking gloves and extends a hand to Peeta, which he quickly takes.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Everdeen," Peeta greets. Grandpa just nods, looking between the two of us - his expression unreadable; neither hard nor soft.
"Do you have a spare minute? I'd like to show you what I'm working on," Grandpa asks Peeta, pointing his thumb behind him.
"Uh, sure, yeah," Peeta answers, as if he had a choice.
"Can I put the cat up first?" I ask, since Buttercup has taken to squirming and his claws keep catching on my sweater and scratching my skin.
"Certainly," Grandpa replies, giving me a small smile. "This is really just an opportunity to talk and get to know your beau better anyway. He'll be back in in a couple of minutes."
I nod slowly as Grandpa turns around and heads back to the shed, gesturing for Peeta to follow. He does so, of course, glancing back once at me over his shoulder with a look of alarm on his face.
I've already brought Buttercup up to Prim's room, gotten his litterbox and filled it, filled his food and water bowls, and sat on the couch for a few minutes by the time I hear a knock on the front door.
I open it to find Peeta standing there, smiling bashfully.
"You don't have to knock, you know."
"It feels weird not to," he shrugs.
I nod, making a face to show him I know the feeling.
Once the door is shut, I grab his hand and lead him upstairs.
My door is already open, so we just walk right in. I take a seat on the bed, take off my coat, and watch as Peeta walks the perimeters, observing the walls - or, rather, what's on them.
Every week he'd send me a package of various things. Aside from the obvious baked goods, there'd always be an envelope of notes he'd written me throughout the week as well as random sketches and paintings he'd done. All of those sketches and paintings, 19 in total in different sizes, hang framed on three of my walls. The only reason the 4th isn't covered is because of the glass doors being in the way.
"Wow…" he breathes out, "I didn't realize I'd sent you so much."
"My plan is to eventually have a house full of them, ceiling to floor," I tell him honestly, but he laughs and shakes his head as if I'm joking. By the half-smile-half-cringe look on his face, I can tell he's about to say something self-deprecating.
Before he has a chance, however, I ask, "So… what'd he say to you?"
"Nothing you wouldn't expect," he shrugs, his eyes catching on the view beyond the glass doors.
"What would I expect…?"
"Basically... you have a job, school, and friends here and I'm only to support you, which I fully planned on doing anyway. He was nice enough, though. No threats of bodily harm, just wanted to make it clear that he's protective of you." He continues speaking as he walks over to me and stands a couple feet away. "It's actually a relief… I was so worried when you had to come here. I didn't know these people or how they'd treat you. Family doesn't automatically equate to love and caring, you know? But it seems like they've surpassed all my expectations."
I nod, my eyes closed as I breathe in the air of a new life. "It's strange, isn't it?" I muse.
"What?"
"Everything." I open my eyes and gaze around the room in awe, as if seeing it for the very first time. "I just… can't believe I'm here. A few months ago, this—this all would've been just a fever dream. I never thought I could be this happy again… that life could be good again."
"You're finally over the rainbow," he reflects, grinning broadly.
I chuckle at the reference, half shrugging, half nodding, because yeah, I suppose that's true. His eyes lock on mine for only a few seconds before flitting away, catching on everything around me - but not me. I take the time to study everything about him - how he's still in his coat, hands buried in his pockets, the way his hair is a little longer than last I'd seen it, how his eyes - though bright with excitement and curiosity - have dark circles beneath them.
When was the last time he'd slept? At least since the night before last; he must be exhausted. Part of me wants to get up, lift the blankets, and demand he take a nap. I'm almost 100% certain he'd refuse, though. Instead, I clear my throat and pat the spot beside me. He looks at me with wide eyes, then over at the doorway, then back again - his feet not budging.
A snort of laughter escapes me.
"You can sit, you know. It's not an automatic sex cushion," I say, referencing the same thing he'd said to me on our first date. "Kissing is mandatory, though."
Peeta, again, looks at the doorway, then back at me, his expression projecting an inner dilemma.
"They know we kiss, Peeta. I'm sure they suspect that's what we're doing right now. But if you don't want to..." Before I can finish a shrug, he's sitting next to me and pulling me into a kiss.
It's slow and hesitant, no open mouths or tongues. His coat is still on, and every so often he pulls away just to look at the doorway. It's frustrating, as if we're going through the motions, but not getting anywhere. After one final time of him turning away to keep lookout of the doorway, I stand up in front of him then sit down again, straddling his legs.
"Trust me, if anyone comes up those stairs, you'll hear every step." I hook my arms around his neck and lean my forehead onto his. "We're not going to get caught - and even if we do, so what? We're only kissing."
I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath at the feeling of Peeta's hands slowly running up my legs.
"Guilty conscience, I suppose," he murmurs, his lips so close to mine that I can feel the warmth of his breath. His hands stop on my hips and pull me closer, his grip gentle but firm.
"What do you mean by that?" I ask coyly.
"I don't know if it was being separated from you for so long or what, but I've never been more attracted to you. I didn't think that was even possible." He rubs the tip of his nose against mine, giving a small groan as his grip on my hips tightens. "I know I can't be with you now, but god, do I want you. And I can't stop thinking of all the ways I want you."
"And you'll have me - in due time," I reply, smiling as I plant a kiss against his jawline.
"I'll be finding a place to rent as soon as possible, trust me. Not that I don't appreciate staying here…"
I nod, leaning back and trailing my palms down his neck, chest, and stomach before finally gripping the sides of his jacket.
"Until then… take off your coat and stay a while, hmmm?"
He immediately does so.
Before anything more is said, I wrap my arms around him as tightly as I can, resting my head in the crook of his shoulder. His arms are around me only a heartbeat later, his hands rubbing my back.
"So... when do I get to hear you? The birthday bit was beautiful and I listened to it multiple times a day, but I imagine it pales in comparison to hearing you in person."
I cringe, my face reddening at the thought of it.
Grandpa had found one of my dad's old acoustic guitars a few weeks after I got here and gave it to me. I remembered a few simple things he'd taught me before he died, which came back to me quicker than I thought it would, and also looked up tutorials online to improve. I'm nowhere near good, but good enough to play simple songs.
So, when Peeta's birthday rolled around last month and I couldn't send him anything due to privacy concerns, he asked me to send him a message of me singing. So I plucked up my courage and did so. I was a nervous wreck, though - my hands shook so bad it was a wonder I could get any of the notes right - and that was without him watching me in person. I refused to do it over video-chat.
"Um, later…"
"How much 'later' are we talking?" he asks with a soft chuckle.
"We'll see."
Before he can argue the point, I kiss my way up his neck, then meet his lips with mine again. This time there's no hesitation, just need and want uniting as our hands and lips and tongues guide us, making promises of things to come. Eventually he lies back on my bed with me on top of him. Our lower bodies begin moving together over clothes, as if by their own volition, eager to meet again. And then, suddenly, I roll over beside him, breathing heavily… because if I didn't stop, I definitely would've lost my grandparents' trust.
"I really need to find us a place," Peeta comments, giving a breathless laugh.
"'Us'?" I look over at him to see he's already gazing at me, longing and desire in his eyes.
"You really have to ask that?" I shrug, looking away as he turns on his side towards me. He reaches over, gently sweeping a few strands of hair from my face. "Of course. I came here to be with you, didn't I? Maybe you won't be able to move in officially until you're 18 - I don't know where your grandparents stand on that. But it's still going to be ours from day one."
I'm about to reply when I hear the front door opening and closing downstairs, then the muffled exchange of Prim and Grandma's voices. My eyes go wide as I place a finger to my lips, signaling for Peeta to stay quiet. Quickly, I get up from the bed and direct him to hide behind my bedroom door.
Then, we wait for her to ascend the stairs.
Grandma must've told her there was something waiting in her room, because she runs up. I stand in my doorway, my arms crossed as I lean against the frame. She raises an eyebrow as soon as she sees me.
"Why are you acting all weird?"
"I'm not. Just happy to see you is all," I answer airily. "So… how was your day?"
"Average," she shrugs, then looks at her door with curiosity and impatience. "Grandma said you got me something special and it's in my room?"
I nod quickly, gesturing for her to go in and see.
The door is only cracked a couple inches before she sees his big yellow head peeking up.
"Oh my god!" she exclaims, immediately swooping Buttercup up in her arms. She hugs him tightly as she begins to cry. "He looks just like Buttercup! Even the little nip on his ear… oh my god, thank you!"
"He doesn't just look like Buttercup. He is Buttercup," I tell her.
Her eyes go wide and her mouth drops open in surprise. "How…?"
"Special delivery," I shrug.
She furrows her brow in confusion. "He came in the mail?" I shake my head.
"I got something too. Wanna see?"
She nods slowly, then follows me to my room without another word, Buttercup still cradled in her arms. Once inside, her eyes search the room, looking everywhere but behind the door. Not seeing anything out of the ordinary, she finally looks at me to point it out.
I clear my throat, giving Peeta his signal, then hear the door creak behind me.
Prim's shock at seeing him is about ten times as much as seeing Buttercup. Before I know it, the cat is shoved into my arms as she practically teleports into Peeta's arms. He lifts her up with a laugh as she rambles excitedly about how much she'd missed him, and of course Peeta returns her sentiments whenever he can get a word in. It's absolutely beautiful, seeing the two people I love most in the world caring so much about each other.
I have to wipe my own tears away by the time Prim's feet are back on the floor.
It's much later that night, after dinner and a couple movies, after my grandparents have already gone to bed and we're dreading having to do so ourselves, that I finally tell her about Snow.
She pretty much has the same reaction I had - awe mixed with disbelief.
Then, finally, elated acceptance.
After revelling in the news for a while, I gently remind her that it's after 11 pm and she has school in the morning. Grudgingly, after jokingly accusing me of wanting her gone so I can make out with Peeta, she gives us both hugs and thanks us for the good dreams she'll be having.
And then it's just us - Peeta and I, alone, snuggled under a blanket on the couch. I know I should go up to bed, but I can't bring my legs to move.
"Deja vu," Peeta says softly, nudging my side. I raise my head from his shoulder to look at him. "Reminds me of that night you had to stay in the bakery. You know, the night I finally asked you out on a date? I'm still surprised you said yes…"
"Me too, considering…" I frown and shake my head, ridding the fear of Snow. "I'm glad I did, though. Looking back, it was probably one of the biggest chances I took… but it was the best one. I had a feeling you were worth it. And you were."
He kisses the top of my head, his hand giving mine a squeeze beneath the covers.
"We've definitely come a long way, in every possible way," he states, his voice hoarse with exhaustion. I can tell he's mere minutes away from passing out. His words are a bit slurred as he continues, "I love you so much, more than I've loved anything or anyone. You're my lighthouse."
"I love you too, sleepyhead," I chuckle, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. "I guess I should go to bed now and let you get some rest."
He gives me a heavy-lidded frown as he asks, "You're leaving me?"
I sigh, feeling conflicted. I bite my lip and look around as if I might find the solution hanging in the air. "No. No I'm not. I'm not going anywhere," I finally answer.
I rest my head back down on his shoulder and close my eyes as his arms wrap around me again. Only a few minutes later, his breathing calms and he's fast asleep. I debate taking the opportunity to extract myself and sneak up to my room, but I decide against it.
Grandma and Grandpa said nothing about me sleeping on the couch with him. We're fully clothed, sleeping innocently - we're not doing anything wrong. And even if they get upset, I'll just tell them about his night terrors - which Mr. Mellark will back up. It's best I'm here.
Rationalizing all my reservations away, I finally drift off to sleep.
The next morning, all Grandma asks when she see us is, "Sleep well? You should pull the couch out next time. It'll give you more room."
Nothing more is said about it.
We pull the couch out every night thereafter.
A week goes by, and then two - well, almost two.
Christmas is officially 12 days away.
Surprisingly, my routine isn't hindered by Peeta's presence at all - it only gives me something to look forward to. He goes off and explores town, looking for possible places to rent, and paints while I'm on duty at the lighthouse. Sometimes he'll stop by with lunch or just to say hi. We do our schoolwork together in comfortable silence and I've even become gradually okay with him hearing me practice the guitar.
He's patient and sweet and respectful as always, and my grandparents seem to adore him. Especially since he bakes them sweets all the time, and has taken to helping my grandpa out in his work shed. Peeta says he becomes a surprisingly avid talker when he's building things. Currently they're working on a picnic bench.
That being said, we rarely get a moment alone - and even when we are alone, we never really are. There's always someone around. After he bought a used car last week (a pretty turquoise blue one, almost the same shade as our bakery t-shirts were, with black leather seats), I suggested we have sex in it, and though he was tempted, he ultimately shot the idea down. Something about 'after so long, we deserve a comfortable bed and a car quickie wasn't worth the risk of getting caught by locals.' He had a point, but still… it's the only chance of privacy we can get.
I'm at the lighthouse today, helping Johanna clean the glass of the lookout. Normally this would be Annie's shift, but Johanna's filling in for her for some reason. She has a radio blasting Christmas music, which I wouldn't mind so much if she wasn't singing obnoxiously loud and offkey with it.
It isn't long before I ask her to turn it down, which she doesn't. I then go the drastic route and turn it off completely.
"Hey!" she gripes. "What the hell? That song is an absolute classic. Step off, Grinch."
She turns it back on and I groan as 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' starts blaring in my ears again. I have nothing against the song, it's cheerful and sweet - it just hits too close to home. Before Peeta came here, I was dreading spending the holiday without him. I got what I wanted. He's here with me. But now I want him, and the thought of waiting all the way til Christmas for that? Possibly later? Just… ugh.
Don't remind me.
Somewhere, there's a heart inside her, because she finally turns it down with a roll of her eyes and asks, "What's your deal? Getting laid usually makes people happier, not bitchier."
I give her an icy glare, my face heating up as I mutter, "I wouldn't know."
She immediately turns off the radio.
"Wait," she says slowly, looking at me with an incredulous expression, "so after he took this long trip to be with you forever and ever, you haven't even… why not? If it were me, I'd be climbing the boy like a tree."
Like I don't want to.
I snort and go back to cleaning the window, avoiding her prying, impish grin. "Not that I have to explain anything to you, but we're living in my grandparents' house."
"So?"
"I'm not going to take advantage of their kindness. It'd be disrespectful."
"Only if they found out. Have you guys ever done it before?"
"Done what before?"
"Don't be dense."
I sigh heavily, wishing she'd drop the subject, but knowing she won't until I answer. "Yes. Once. Before I came here."
"Must've been pretty damn good for him to come all this way," she replies. "So where'd you do it at?"
"We snuck into his dad's bakery and there was a bed upstairs…"
"Ah, seems a bit disrespectful to his dad then, huh?" she teases.
"It wasn't like that," I shrug off, narrowing my eyes at her. "It's not like he was there while it was happening."
"So your grandparents never leave the house? Ever?" she asks loftily.
"Not often. When they do, my little sister is usually around. They'll be gone tomorrow morning, but I have to come here, so—"
"So… what? I don't need you here tomorrow."
"But I'm scheduled to—"
"You're not coming in tomorrow. Or the following week. If you do, I'm locking the door so you can't get in. You're officially, as of this moment, laid off until you get laid. Go spend time with your boyfriend."
"I have been spending time with him!" I reply in defense.
"What are you doing now?" she asks me, her eyebrows raised and her hands on her hips.
"Working," I answer, holding up the rag in my hand and gesturing towards the window. "My whole life doesn't revolve around him."
"Maybe not. But his seems to revolve around you right now."
"Whatever. You can't lock me out. I'll just tell Annie—"
"I'll just tell Annie," she mocks me with a high-pitched voice. "Go ahead, tattletale. She already agreed with me." I open my mouth to retaliate, but she continues before I can get any words out. "You've basically already got all this down. Besides, there's a checklist to go by. It's not rocket science. Annie just found out she's pregnant last week, so when you get back you'll be training to start here."
"Annie's pregnant?" I ask in shock, all the other details of what she said fading to the background for a moment.
"Her eggo is preggo-ed," she nods, giving a shrug. "We don't have a torch carrying ceremony or anything, but… she'll be out as of next month, then you're in. The light will officially be yours. For one week a month, that is."
I look at her in confusion, studying her face for any telltale signs of lying. I wouldn't put a joke like this below her. "But I'm not 18 until May. I still have school…."
"You'll need your grandparents' permission of course. It'll only be days; the rest of us can take turns on your nights. I'm already taking over for Annie this month, so you won't be rushed into it. It'll really be no different than interning here though. Except you'll be alone, working a few more days, and getting paid for it. Also, the shack has wi-fi, so you can do homework here if you need to. Or watch porn. Whatever floats your boat."
Her tone is serious, as is her expression. If she were joking, she definitely would've started cracking up by now. I'm struck completely dumbfounded. The position is as good as mine. My grandparents will surely say yes - they've been beyond supportive of this job since the beginning. I know Peeta won't have any qualms either.
I can't wait to tell them.
"So, you said I can go now…?" I ask hesitantly, raising an eyebrow and giving a nod toward the entry to the stairs. She tilts her head as if making a decision, then her eyes light up and a grin spreads across her face.
"Hold on," she tells me, holding up an index finger. I stand in place, feeling impatient as she disappears down the stairs. She returns a few minutes later with a small, brown paper bag. "Here. Take these." I look at her suspiciously before I open it. Inside, I find a strip of 5 unused condoms. "Banana flavored. Go, get lucky."
I grudgingly accept them, knowing that if Peeta already has some they're probably not in a convenient place, let alone in the house. And I definitely don't have any.
Saying nothing more, I make a hasty, red-faced exit.
I don't tell Peeta about my conversation with Johanna, only that she let me off early to spend time with him. I don't let him know about the other little details either. I want tomorrow morning to be a complete surprise.
That being said, I'm nervous as hell about it. He can tell something's weighing on my mind because he asks me several times if anything's wrong. I reply that everything's perfect; I'm just tired.
We make the most of the extra time we have together, though.
He takes me out to eat at a seafood restaurant, then we take a walk along the coast at sunset. We sit upon the sand, wrapped in each other's warmth, until the stars appear and the lighthouse brightens the sea. And then we go home, where we spend the rest of the night with Prim and my grandparents playing board games. I have trouble looking them in the eye, knowing what I'm going to do when they leave in the morning.
Finally, everyone goes to bed - or to the couch.
I take a sleeping pill so I won't lie awake for hours planning every detail of what I'm going to do tomorrow, and fall asleep quickly to the lullaby of Peeta's heartbeat against my ear.
I'm awakened early, being a light sleeper, when Prim wakes up for school. She mostly gets ready upstairs and only comes down when she's ready to go, opting to eat breakfast at school with her friends. Grandma and Grandpa give her a ride since they're leaving at the same time.
Being here for a couple months I've gotten used to their schedule, and I know that every month they visit a heart and lung doctor for a checkup in a city that's a few hours away. They usually spend the day there, checking out the sites and spending time together, leaving us money to buy pizza or something for dinner since they're usually not back until late at night.
This time is no different.
Grandma gives me money for dinner, though it's not really necessary. Peeta could make a feast out of nothing. Still, I don't want to seem ungrateful or rouse their suspicions by reminding them that they're leaving us alone in the house all day, so I take it with a meek 'thank you'.
They leave without saying a word about us, surprisingly, only telling me to give them a call or text if I need anything. Peeta, somehow, sleeps through all of it.
I don't wake him either. Instead, I take the opportunity to freshen up and change out of my modest flannel pajamas into something a little more… revealing. Since I don't really have anything revealing, I opt for a plain white t-shirt that stops mid-thigh, wearing nothing at all beneath it. I leave my hair down.
It's time to set my plan into motion.
I take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves, then pick up my phone and call Peeta. After 4 rings, he finally answers.
"Hello, Katniss," he greets, amusement and confusion in his tone. "Where are you?"
"Upstairs, getting ready."
"It's only a little after 8. I thought you didn't have to go to work until noon today?"
"Couldn't sleep any longer. Can you come up here? I need your help with something."
He's silent for a moment before asking almost pleadingly, "Immediately? I just woke up and kind of need to use the bathroom first…"
"Take care of what you need to, then come up as quickly as possible?"
"Of course. See you in a few minutes."
I hang up with a heavy sigh, stand up, and pace the floor as I wait.
Okay, maybe I haven't thought this through. It's really early, he just woke up… he might not be in any sort of mood to be intimate, especially in a room filled with morning sunlight. Hell, maybe I'm not. My body has filled out a lot more due to having a healthier diet, but the scars are still there - and now they'll be on full display in unforgiving brightness. Maybe this is way too assuming and forward. And how awkward will it be if he rejects me?
I begin to walk towards the door, ready to call a 'nevermind' down to him and call the whole thing off, when I hear him bounding up the stairs. I'm only able to suck in one deep breath before he knocks. I open the door with a tiny smirk and a raised eyebrow - even after being here for a couple weeks, and no one else being in the house, he still knocks.
And there he stands, giving a shrug and a sleepy half-smile, still in his night clothes, his hair disheveled.
Seeing him now, being both adorable and beyond sexy without even trying, all the reservations I had only minutes ago evaporate.
"You need me?" he asks in concern.
I nod, stepping forward until I'm close enough to feel the heat of his body. I place my palms on his stomach, letting them fall to the drawstring on his pajama pants. I pull on it, inching backwards until we're both inside my room - then I let go, move around him, close the door, and turn towards him.
By the way he bites his bottom lip, his smoldering eyes roaming the length of my body, and the lazy half-grin on his face, I know that he's totally aware of why I called him up here.
I also know I'd been fretting for nothing.
"So… my grandparents won't be home until later tonight..." I remark, my voice trembling with anticipation as he steps closer to me. I reach out and take hold of his hands, bringing them around my waist, eliminating the space between us. I then run my hands up his chest until they rest upon his shoulders.
He tilts his head, a brow raised dramatically and a salacious smile curving his lips. "Trying to seduce me, Miss Everdeen?"
All the blood in my body seems to go to two places - my face and between my legs. I shrug, brushing my fingers against the nape of his neck, "Maybe. Do you think it's working?"
He leans his forehead against mine, answering with a heady chuckle mere centimeters from my mouth, "I think I'm totally going to be kicked out if your grandparents come home early."
I'm about to assure him that they won't, but he kisses me before I can, slowly and sweetly, our lips and tongues meeting in perfect motion, until he moves to my neck to place languid, open-mouthed kisses.
"Totally worth it," he murmurs lowly against my skin, the electricity of his voice sending pinpricks of pleasure down my spine, "you always are."
I moan softly in reply, tilting my head to the side. His hands roam slowly, further down my back, inching my shirt up, until they rest against my backside with a squeeze. He groans, realizing he's palming against bare skin. I lean into him, standing on the tips of my feet as his hands go lower, his fingers grazing over the wetness between my legs. For better access, he moves one hand around to my front and begins rubbing the most sensitive part of me. It feels beyond amazing, so invigorating to be touched this way again - for months I'd even deprived myself of it.
This isn't all about my pleasure, though.
I move a hand down his body to the front of his pajama pants, stopping when I reach his already sizeable bulge. He sucks in a shaky breath as I run my palm over it, then grip his length over the fabric.
At my touch, he makes a feral sound at the back of his throat before capturing my lips with his again - and there's nothing chaste about it. It's ravenous and carnal, with no hesitation or rhythm, just pure unbridled wanting and giving and getting.
I don't even know we're moving until my back hits the door.
A small cry of protest escapes me as his mouth leaves mine and begins to trail little frenzied kisses down my neck, until he reaches my chest. He removes his hand from my body below, bringing it up under my shirt to cup and knead my breast. I arch into his touch as his mouth latches onto the other over the fabric. He runs his tongue over my nipple, circling it with fervor, sending shivers of electricity down my body and causing my center to throb even more for him. And then he moves on, planting kisses down my stomach until he's on his knees in front of me.
I look down at him, my breath heavy and uneven, and he looks back up at me through his long lashes, his eyes alight and bluer than the sea on a sunny day; I feel myself drowning in them.
He's so close… so close to the place I really want him to kiss. I sigh, closing my eyes and rolling my head back, aching with a need for his mouth to be on me, so much I can already feel it. With agonizing, teasing slowness, he kisses his way up my inner thigh, spreading my legs further apart, and then finally - finally - his mouth finally makes contact with my center. He runs his tongue along me, the vibration of his groans arousing me even more.
Before I even have time to react, he takes hold of my thighs and hoists me up, using the door as leverage as he brings my legs over his shoulders. I hold onto the doorknob, my other hand still on his head, as he brings his mouth to me again and begins feasting on me with fervor. I wrap my legs around his head, linking my ankles together, bucking against him, losing myself to the pure ecstasy he's creating. One of his hands trails up my torso, the other holding on tightly to my thigh, until he reaches my breast. My face is flushed and every cell in my body feels as if it's going to explode.
Finally, my back arches as blinding rapture overtakes my body. I writhe and scream his name, stars dancing behind my eyelids.
Then, the next thing I know, I'm hitting the floor sideways with a thud.
I open my eyes in surprise, thankfully not hurt by the short fall, but before I can even tell Peeta that I'm okay, he's hovering over me in concern.
"Oh my god, Katniss, I'm so sorry! I should've had a better grip—" I cut him off by laughing. And once I start, I can't stop. It must be contagious, because Peeta starts to chuckle too. I sit up, covering my face as I try to regain my composure, the aftermath of my orgasm still rippling throughout my body.
I gasp in surprise when Peeta picks me up, brings me over to the bed, and gently lays me down. "Are you sure you're not hurt?" he asks softly, sitting down beside me.
"I'm 100% fine, Peeta - more than fine," I answer, sitting up with a snort as I try to suppress another bubble of laughter from escaping. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I move over and straddle his waist. Leaning my forehead against his, I whisper, "I guess I should return the favor?"
"I'm sorry. Please don't push me off the bed."
I shake my head, grinning in amusement as I give him a quick kiss on the mouth. Then, before he can pull me in to make it any deeper, I shift my focus to his neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses as I make my way down, loving the sounds he makes at the simple touch of my lips against his skin.
I don't think he has a clue what's coming - which, if things go well, will be him.
Sucking in a deep breath to gather my courage and confidence, I leave his lap and kneel on the floor between his legs. He looks down at me in confusion until I reach for the waistband of his pajama bottoms and pull them down, exposing him in all his glory.
He's already fully erect, so that'll make my job a lot easier. His hands goes to my face, caressing my cheekbones with his thumbs. I gaze back up at him and try not to laugh at the shock on his face as he realizes what I'm about to do.
He opens his mouth to say something, but stops short with a loud gasp as I kiss the tip of his length. After all the times he's given me pleasure this way, it's time for me to do the same for him. I wrap my hand around him tightly, then move my tongue in circles along the head before licking my way up his shaft and kissing my way back down the end of it.
Finally, I take him into my mouth - over and over - bobbing up and down his length, taking him in as far as I can; enjoying the feeling of him bucking and groaning against the rhythm I've created. He tangles his hands in my hair, guiding me as he thrusts in and out of my mouth - and then, all of a sudden, he stops.
"Katniss, I… if I… it'll be a while before-" His voice is background noise; I'm not going to stop until he reaches the same height of ecstasy I'd felt moments ago. It doesn't take long. Only a few seconds later, a burst of hot liquid fills my mouth. I swallow it, not wanting to leave any evidence of our tryst behind. He flops back onto the bed, breathing heavily. I stand up and move to lay beside him, resting my arm over his chest as I snuggle closer to him.
"Wow…" he comments breathlessly. "That was new. Where'd you learn that?"
I lift my head up to look at him, smiling at the goofy, satisfied grin on his face. With an arch of my brow, I nod towards the door. "Where'd you learn to do that?"
He laughs as he answers, "Many, many fantasies and daydreams."
"Same," I shrug. Though, that's not exactly the truth. The internet doesn't only have school work on it. I might've looked up 'ways to pleasure a guy in bed' - and that might've led me to a few videos demonstrating how to do so.
"Okay…" he laughs, his tone disbelieving but thrilled all the same. "In any case, feel free to do that anytime you want."
"I will," I reply confidently.
"You know it's going to take some time, though, right? Before we can—"
"We have plenty of time," I cut him off, scooting up to kiss his cheek. "Until then, there's plenty of other things we can do." As I'm kissing his neck, he suddenly curses - and not in a good way. "What?" I ask, propping myself up on my elbow to look at him.
He covers his face with his hands and groans, "I have to get dressed and go out to the car."
"Why?"
"Because... that's where the condoms are."
I reach into my front shirt pocket, pulling out a square, metallic-yellow package, then toss it onto the bed beside him. "Taken care of. You're not going anywhere."
His eyes light up in surprise and relief, and a second later he stands up and rids the clothes from his body. I stay where I am, half propped up on my elbows as I take in the glorious, naked sight in front of me.
A moment later, he's back on the bed, on top of me. I wrap my legs around his waist, rubbing my lower body against his, helping to speed things up.
He's already halfway there.
We kiss hungrily, impatiently, our hands exploring each other. My shirt is taken off and discarded so he can lavish more attention on my breasts.
After a few minutes, he finally asks, "Ready?"
I nod, watching as he opens the package and rolls the condom on. I can't help but laugh; it's not just banana flavored, it's banana colored as well. He laughs too, understanding exactly why I find it amusing.
"That would be Johanna," I state, shaking my head. I debate leaning up to take him into my mouth again, to see if it really does taste like bananas, but decide against it. He's already hovering over me, inches and seconds from being inside of me.
I still have a few more; I'll try it next time. Right now, I want him.
He positions himself between my legs, asking permission with his eyes. I nod, and he thrusts inside me. I gasp at the sudden fullness, and he stops for a moment to allow my body to adjust. I move against him, urging him to continue - and he does, slowly.
Very slowly. Too slowly.
"You're not going to hurt me," I assure him.
"Tell me if I do?"
As soon as I nod, he lets loose, pumping in and out of me quickly, deeply, passionately.
We're a tangle of limbs and kisses and pure feeling. Our moans fill the room, so uninhibited and loud that I'm relieved we don't have neighbors who live within hearing distance.
I've never felt so alive, so free, so confident, so whole - so loved.
Last time we did this, it was shrouded by looming separation - it was timid, painful - nice, but a little awkward. It was over quickly after it started. This time it's completely different in every possible way. This time, we're celebrating our reunion, our future, with no pain and no reservations.
Not even once do I even care that he can see my scars. It's mind-blowingly perfect, so much that in the midst of my second orgasm, I can't help anticipating the next time we'll do this… and the time after that.
I'm on top of him, riding him, when he finally, triumphantly reaches completion.
"Just think, when we get our own place, we'll be able to do that all the time," Peeta murmurs as we bask in the afterglow, our bodies entwined.
"Not all the time," I laugh, my voice hoarse, "just... every chance we can get."
It's around noon when Peeta asks if I need to start getting ready so he can take me to the lighthouse. I finally tell him about the job offer I'd received, and how I'm off for the rest of the next couple weeks. He's totally supportive and enthused at the news, probably even more excited than I am, not that I ever had a doubt he'd react any other way.
To celebrate, we go for a second round - and yes, it really does taste like bananas.
After, he excitedly tells me to get dressed and ready to leave - that he has a surprise to show me. Curious and confused, I do so, wondering what exactly he'd found in this town that I hadn't discovered already. In any case, due to the childlike glee he's exhibiting, even if it's something I'm already well aware of, I plan on acting totally surprised when I see it.
Upon walking out of the house, I'm delighted to see that a fresh blanket of snow has covered the ground overnight - and it's still continuing to fall. For so long, just the word 'snow' would insight dread in me. Anytime it was present in my life, it meant things were about to get a hell of a lot harder - and I don't just mean its namesake. Any aspect of it, just brought misery.
But now, finally, I get to appreciate the white, sparkly stuff without any apprehension. Again, I'm struck by how surreal all this is, how much my life has changed. I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore, and I've never felt so light. So carefree. So happy to be alive.
As Peeta walks in front of me to the car, I do something I haven't done since I was a child - I lean down, scoop up some snow, pack it together, and throw it at his back. He stops in his tracks, turning around to look at me with a stunned smile. I smirk and lean down to make another, but before I have a chance to throw it, I'm hit in the chest with a powdery chunk of snow that disintegrates as soon as it makes contact.
The snowball fight is on.
After about 30 minutes of playing in the snow, we're finally in the car, heading to our destination - wherever that is. Peeta turns on the radio and asks me what kind of music I prefer. I shrug, because I honestly don't know. I love it all. So I tell him to choose what he likes, and he does, opting for an old school rock station. Peeta loves old rock. That's something I never knew about him until now - and it makes me wonder, what other little things do I have yet to discover about him?
We have the rest of our lives to find out.
We're on the outskirts of town now, turning onto a gravel road surrounded by forest on both sides. I'm mystified. Whatever he's going to show me, I've definitely never seen it before. On the way to wherever we're going, 'Landslide' by Fleetwood Mac comes on and he begins singing along - and he's surprisingly really, really good. I never knew he could sing. I feel like I should've known this about him. I'm stunned, mesmerized, falling deeper in love with him with every note he sings.
About a minute in he chuckles nervously, his face red as he tells me I can join him any second. And so I do. We're still singing together to the radio, our spirits high, laughing at ourselves when we get the words wrong, when the car comes to a stop and he announces, "We're here."
It's a small log cabin, all by itself in the woods.
I look at him in question, but he doesn't answer. He simply gets out of the car as fast as he can, waving for me to follow before sprinting towards the cabin. I follow in an instant.
My eyes widen and my heart skips a beat when I see him pull out a set of keys and unlock the front door.
That must mean…
"Welcome home," he smiles warmly as we enter. I'm too stunned to say anything. I gaze around the interior, noting it already has an old couch that looks to be in decent shape. Other than that, it's pretty much empty. It's beautiful, though - wood floors, a stone fireplace, a tiny little nook of a kitchen. "It's kind of small and old, but... I think it's cozy. I was going to wait to show it to you after you got off work today, but since you're off…" he comments, and I can hear a nervous tremor in his voice. "What do you think?"
"I love it," I reply breathlessly. And it's not a lie. This feels like home, as if it was meant for us. "It's beautiful, Peeta. Oh my god…" I feel like I'm in a dream as I continue exploring. There's a bathroom leading off from the kitchen - small and unremarkable to anyone else, but it's ours, and it's beyond wonderful to me.
"Good, because I signed the lease yesterday and paid up a few months," he tells me in relief. "You really like it?" I nod emphatically.
"How? How did you even find this?"
"I asked around town. I happened to walk into an antiques shop and started talking to this old woman named Linda about how I was looking for a place. And lo and behold, she had a place. It belonged to her husband; he'd inherited it from his father. They rarely used the place, though. And since her husband died a few years back, she inherited it. She wanted to sell it to me, but I didn't want to make any hasty decisions without you-"
"Oh, we're totally going to buy this place," I state with no hesitation whatsoever. I feel like someone reached into my mind and made my dream home a reality.
"If you want," he smiles brightly. "I think she'd be willing to sell this pretty cheaply too. Not that I'm really concerned about that. I'd buy you a mansion if you wanted it."
"This will do just fine," I reply with a laugh.
"You haven't seen the best part yet!" He takes me by the hand, leading me through the living room and opening a door at the far end of it. "Our bedroom. I have a feeling we'll be spending a lot of time in here. I was thinking of looking into one of those automatic sex cushions…" he jokes with a wink.
I roll my eyes, giving a chuckle as I walk in. I first take notice of the huge windows on two of the walls, flooding the room with brilliant sunshine. There's a huge double closet on another wall. The walls themselves are made of logs and plaster - sturdy and taken care of, despite their age. I can see us in here, lying in bed together on a lazy day, watching the weather and the seasons change around us.
This is where our story begins.