I don't own or profit from Oregairu
Yes, I'm juggling a third story, I'll manage XD
Author comments at the end.
Autonomy
Autonomy, isolationism, independence. Everybody adopts a different concept among these, even though some fear them. Not depending on anyone is a most peculiar lifestyle, it implies staying behind and staying alone, a fair trade off if I'm asked the question, being autonomous is being free.
Humans fear autonomy by a factory setting, nobody wants to be reminded of the sour memories of when humans lived alone and survived by themselves, nobody wants to be rejected, so much so we visualize an imaginary cave to fit into the warmest tribe possible. I based my idiosyncrasy on this once and it blew up in my face.
It was not until I stepped out, or rather was kept out of the imaginary cave and set off for the imaginary tundra that I tasted authenticity, I tasted freedom. Without an imaginary tribe there are no imaginary, psychological or physical chains to bind us.
I will be as autonomous as I can be, as the nations of this world try to be as self-sufficient as possible, I will solve my own problems and satisfy my own needs, and this can only be if I live by my own logic and reasoning.
I am by no means an ace of mathematics, but I do know that linear regression is very useful when predicting a future variable. Where am I heading with this? I use my past repeated experiences as a way to act accordingly to prevent the same things from happening again. In simpler terms: I learnt to be autonomous by trial and error.
I might just be someone with a crippled face in a world of appearances, but I heard something interesting that might be the last point to consider regarding human behaviour and my behaviour.
We people live by one of two concepts, none of the ones I listed at the beginning. The inescapable two doctrines are Homeostasis and Transistasis: The power to conserve and stabilize and the power to adapt and change. I tried to live by the former and failed, but the latter sent me to the path of understanding autonomy.
[INTROMISSION: AUTHOR'S COMMENTS REGARDING THE SHIT YOU JUST READ AT THE END]
"Just why Hikigaya-kun?! Why would you do something like that?! I really wish you could inform me, without jokes and excuses… why?"
A stern, cold and desperate voice could be heard from the inside of the service club clubroom, two voices are arguing inside the aforementioned, but not in their typical witty back and forth.
The student body from Sobu High school just returned from their cultural visit to Kyoto last weekend, due to an altercation caused by 2-F's most impactful loner contundent actions things have been bitter for the Service club.
The club's president Yukinoshita Yukino was hit particularly hard by what she had to witness, she always thought that selfless acts were some idealistic key to making this wicked place something a little more bearable, but events in flesh are different than idealistic theory.
Neither of the two girls that conformed two thirds of the clubs were particularly impressed by what they saw, but what Yukinoshita Yukino was livid and devastated about was not something so shallow as having to see an adolescent crush proclaim his love for another woman, no, that was something that the club's resident airhead could worry about.
What knocked Yukino was having her philosophy and worldview shattered in front of her. Like an adept follower to a collectivist ideology refusing to accept the failure of her system, she was forced to observe selfless acts bring pain to someone she couldn't admit to cherish, again.
Watching Hikigaya Hachiman act as a meat shield for a group of people whom he never even considered worth saving in the first place, and who would not spare a gram of gratitude to him was like having to drink poisoned tea, causing her to sulk for the past two days.
What was initially going as a hostile and aggressive discussion between Hachiman and Yukino regarding the method used turned into a full confrontation, without roundabout escape routes or scapegoats, as the Ice queen pleaded and demanded.
Hikigaya Hachiman's first action to consider was to simply retreat and leave the clubroom, but something made him hold his ground, he couldn't call it pride, since all of it went flying out the window on that bamboo forest, but he still wouldn't admit that he was wrong, everytime he had caught a glimpse of a Yukino so hurt he felt more than guilty.
"I told you Yukinoshita, there was no other way, we were pinned against the wall and the clock was ticking, if I didn't act we would've failed"
"Fuck Hikigaya-kun! WE DID FAIL, WHAT YOU DID SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED, IT WASN'T RIGHT!"
Hachiman was more than stunned, not only this was the first time he had heard the calm, elegant and eloquent Yukinoshita swear, this was worse than what he imagined, he already suspected this was not a mere hurt in his clubmate's pride and competitive spirit, but now he could see how much it tormented her.
"Yukinoshita, I act this way because it's better, it is right."
"HIKIGAYA-KUN-" Tears started coming down Yukino's face "-H-how can y-you say that wi-with a straight face?"
"Why is it so bad for you? If I act with autonomy on my arsenal I can deal with the harm myself, I am in no way saying I'm protecting you, but between us, it's better if only I get the short end of the stick and not the both of us"
"Just the both of us?! What about Yuigahama-san?! Are you so selfish that you won't even consider her?!
A shattered worldview slowly shattering a heart, she really couldn't discern if Hachiman was selfish or selfless, but this whole Icarus approach was a tad too much for her to take.
"Yes, just the both of us Yukinoshita."
Hachiman's lips were quivering while he desperately tried to not break his character too much, but he had to say it one way or another.
"I'm not saying Yuigahama is not important, but it's not a fair comparison Yukinoshita. I could observe first hand how much harm you brought to yourself during the organization of the festivals. Objectively speaking it would have been a tragedy if all your effort went down the drain because of someone seeking attention, I wasn't going to allow it."
Yukino's tears and quiet sobbing weren't stopping but she was having trouble understanding Hachiman's words, while her counterpart's heart was beating at the speed of a Shinkansen bullet train.
"...H-Hikigaya-kun, you also worked hard at the board for both festivals, but only you got hurt, ostracized and attacked after the cultural festival, and it h-hppened again in the cultural festival."
One could say it was not the average day for two socially incompetent loners such as them when Yukinoshita Yukino was wholeheartedly recognizing Hachiman's work, and said Hachiman used around 60 words to express he cares about Yukino.
"Well, there you have it Yukinoshita, it was not only your effort I was protecting, I wasn't about to let that bitch Sagami ruin all the extra piles of paperwork I had to go through"
He backtracks from no man's land
"But yet again Hikigaya-kun, why were you the only one to carry the burden? It's not fair"
"Life is cruel Yukinoshita, the autonomy I employ for my solutions just allows me to survive the cruelty, it's not a matter of fairness… I am not saying you are weak, but..err-"
The raven haired girl was just as confused as he originally was when he heard her yell profanities.
The boy awkwardly scratches his neck "ugh, let's just say it would be ideal for me if harm didn't come your way."
…
Hachiman grows fearful with every second that passes as Yukino's expression is serious yet almost inexpressive, somewhere between complete dumbfoundedness or a deadpan face.
As every alarm is going off at the young cynic's head he thinks something along the lines of "Holy fucking shit, did I just confess?! I think I just confessed! Goddamn it, someone please kill me now."
She comes closer to him "Hikigaya-kun."
"Y-yeah?"
"Is autonomy… what you desire?"
A direct shot, no roundabout answers, no shortcuts, no miscommunication. Is autonomy what Hikigaya Hachiman desires? Yes or no? No monologue, no allegory, no soliloquy. Yes or no?
"...Yes, I want autonomy."
Yukinoshita Yukino tries her best not to show the disappointment of his answer, it felt like a knife being twisted in her leg.
"I-I see" she fights the tears with all her might as she can feel her chest and shoulders shake again.
"Yukinoshita?"
"I-I'm sorry Hik-Hikigaya-kun, but I'm gonna need to ask you to resign from the S-Service club?"
"H-huh?!"
While quelling her crying Yukino brings herself to elaborate honestly "My apologies, H-Hikigaya-kun, but you don't know how m-much it hurts me to see you act that way, I- I'm afraid I cannot permit you to k-keep doing this to yourself, even if you come to hate me-" she holds back herself just enough to not let out a whimper at this last sentence "... I could not f-fulfill Hiratsuka-sensei's request."
"Yukinoshita!"
"Pl-please Hikigaya-kun, leave the clubroom. I can't-"
Hachiman does something unexpected when he grabs her shoulder and asks her the same question
"Yukinoshita, before that, back to you. what do you desire?"
"W-wha?"
"Please answer before my membership is terminated, please." he says while looking at her misty and puffy arctic eyes.
Achievement unlocked for Hachiman: Back to sender.
What does Yukinoshita Yukino desire? An open question this time, she takes her time to ponder and relax of the cacophony of things sounding on her mind.
Yukinoshita Yukino desires… praise? No, she has had plenty of shallow praise throughout all of her life.
Praise from her kind? No, despite all her efforts to someday catch up with the eldest Yukinoshita child, she does not desire to actually take her place, she has to let this self inflicted bomb go off in her being. Yukinoshita Haruno has envied the freedom Yukino has for a long time, but now that Hachiman is actually showing her freedom with his open question she accepts it. Taking her sister's place will not do.
So what is it that she desires? She doesn't understand.
Understand.
Understanding.
She wants to understand.
Veritas vos liberabit. The truth shall set you free.
"I… I want to understand…"
At first Hachiman does not know what to do with this new information, and is about to ask something stupid when she finishes talking.
"...you."
"Huh? Come again? I didn't catch that last part."
"I-I want to understand YOU hikigaya-kun!" The feline enjoyer yells with determination.
As the young Hikigaya stares shocked and the blood could be seen rising to his face, giving him the aspect of the mexican and south american vegetable, indispensable for margherita pizzas he despises so much.
Her face however returns to the melancholic expression she had before, no tears coming anymore but you can still tell she's devastated.
"But I'm afraid I won't get what I want, I tell the truth Hikigaya-kun, I do find it complicated to understand your actions, your philosophy, and your person whom I… I enjoy so much to accompany. But I can't follow you on your self harming path you refuse to-"
"Matte Yukinoshita." He says while looking down, his eyes, so often attacked and berated, betray him now for they show tears welling up on them.
"I don't desire autonomy."
"D-DON'T LIE TO ME HIKIGAYA-KUN! I JUST FORCED MYSELF TO BE TRUTHFUL WITH YOU, I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU IF YOU KEEP HURTING ME!" She screams, barely minding if she can be heard from outside or not, the service club is secluded on the corner of the building anyways.
"Yukinoshita please listen to me!"
…
"I… never expected to actually come to say this today, I confronted you, or better yet myself while arguing with you because I couldn't stand to see you hurt for something I did."
"I won't deny that I love autonomy, without it there would not be a Hikigaya Hachiman… but in a sense I already have that, it is not what I want, what I want and the absence of it actually made me embrace autonomy so much…"
"H-Hikigaya-kun, I'm afraid I don't follow."
Another thing he never expected to do today, as he mentally begs for the forgiveness of past Hachiman he pulls Yukino into a clumsy embrace
"!" If Yukino wasn't red enough now we're discovering new tints and shades of the primary color.
"Yukinoshita… I desire something authentic…something real."
Her eyes go wide as plates, but he's not done yet.
"I went with the safe option because… what the hell, because I'm a coward, I never in eons expected you to care for me like… umm, like I care for you."
This comment hurts her "How distasteful Hikigaya-kun, you are very important to me… even if I don't show it." She starts aggressive but finishes meekly
"Yukinoshita."
They lock gazes and then hug correctly
"I want something genuine." Sold, gasp and the water dam suffers critical failure, Hikigaya Hachiman is crying. I repeat. Hikigaya Hachiman is crying.
A million thoughts per minute are running through the minds of both of them, another monologue should be appropriate according to the taller one of the duo, but honestly they are both too taken aback while processing the words of the other, Yukino is essentially out of combat, as she's in a paradox.
She does not understand in the slightest what he means by 'something genuine' but she literally just told him she wants to understand him.
With a silent debate with herself she decides she has green light to proceed, and to calm herself more she decides to go back to the usual banter,
"So, Hiki-genuine-kun?" This earns a sloppy chuckle from the lad hugging her tightly, as he wipes his tears with his own shoulder
"Yes?"
"What exactly do you mean by-"
The door opens with no knocking prior much to the usual annoyance of the Ice queen and for this occasion, even earning the grumble of the fish eyed boy for they are forced to come back to the land of the living and let go of the other in the matter of milliseconds. In the honor of the countless verbal bouts they have waged, neither will admit they immediately miss the other's embrace
"Hikki!"
The third whe- I mean, the third club member arrives and opens the door to find both of them with flushed faces and devious stares
"Hikki?... Yukinon?... were you crying?!"
"Eto… Yuigahama-san"
"Yes, we were Yuigahama, we discussed it all regarding Kyoto, it's somewhat sorted out with the club president."
"Really?"
"Yes, in fact I want to apologize-" The young man reminds himself that he has virtually no manly pride anymore and he turns towards Yukino again with the excuse of 'addressing the club president and matters involving club' and bows to her,what a madlad
"I ask for your forgiveness.. for being a dickhead basically."
she nods
"I mean, I could still defend my point-" He feels a cold glare at his bowed head "but, BUT, I never considered your take on it, for which I admit I was in the wrong, I'm sorry."
"You are forgiven Hikigaya-kun, but please do keep in mind that I still want to fulfill my most recent wish."
"Heh, sure thing Yukino-" collective gasp of the two girls present, too soon then. He coughs to cover it "-shita" cough grunt
"Welp, I should go, all the yelling and argument actually made me tired, I need a nap."
With no inconveniences, Hachiman is let go, Yukino wasn't much better at concealing what had happened as she barely spotted how he blushed furiously while trailing away.
Yuigahama wasn't quite sure of what had happened as she left running in tears two highly intelligent beings yelling at each other and came back to two tamed cats fidgeting and behaving like idiots.
But as one bolted off from the school's grounds as red as a cherry and the other calmly reorganized herself to repel every Yuigahama assault (question) about what she meant with her latest 'request'.
Ahhh and here comes me, I watched it all unfold.
I am the Goddess Uzume, and somehow landed on these two young pricks that VERY CLEARLY need and want each other.
My main divine functions and duties involve mediation and safeguarding the Shinto arts of this small archipelago nation, and believe it or not, it gets REALLY BORING.
I feel bad for this Yukino girl, she has had enough of someone meddling in her life already, I really shouldn't do this.
But eh what the hell, nobody will believe them anyways.
"Genuine" eh?
"Understanding" eh?
I can't do both, you'll have to make due with a genuine understanding, and I know just the trick fufufu
Hachiman POV?:
"BEEP BEEP BEEP"
Mmmmm
"BEEP BEEP BEEP"
Mmmmm
"BEEP BEEP BEEP"
Goddamn it! Why the hell is the alarm going off? Wait, shit. Did Komachi leave already?! Fuck me, I could do today without tardiness whack from my most dear sensei.
I open my eyes and grab my phone?
[5:12 AM]
What the hell? Why am I even up now?...
…
…This isn't my phone.
Oh. Shit.
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, what the fuck am I doing in Yukinoshita's room?! And why don't I remember any of it?!
It must be a dream of some sort, doing that with Yukinoshita seems too good to be true…
"Yukinoshita… I desire something authentic…something real."
"I want something genuine."
Ahhh hell! Now I know this is my subconsciousness being an asshole, well guess what me? I fully meant those words… crap, my cheeks are going hot. Well either way, I perfectly remember leaving club before her and we didn't meet again, it's not possible tha—...t
why…? Why are my hands this slender?
!
WHY AM I WEARING A BLUE PAJAMA WITH CATS EMBROIDERED ON IT?!
OI. OI OI OI! BRAIN, THIS IS NOT FUNNY, WAKE UP.
Long hair… silky skin… cute smell… WHY DOES IT FEEL SO REAL?
BRAIN! What up?! Wake up already!
I grab my… Yukinoshita's phone and open the front camera.
No.
I'm… Yukinoshita.
Her face, in all her glory and might when she just woke up.
It's still ridiculous how real this seems, I don't remember a single dream being this detailed, I don't think I can forget this one when I wake up.
"AHHH!" I let out a scream only to be more scared by the gentle and smooth sound that my voice came out.
But what me scream is freaking me out … I have… breasts.
F-Forgive me Yukinoshita, but I have to do this…
Just as I am about to do something unspeakable my pho- Yukinoshita's phone rings.
It's an unregistered number, I am getting more and more scared by every second that passes, but this gives me calm, either the voice that will come out of the speaker when I pick up will be Komachi's or my actual alarm, meaning that I am in fact late.
"Moshi moshi" Oh my god. My voice is cute as heck. Alas, farewell weirdest lucid dream I have ever had by a longshot.
Now please wake me up my most dear Komachi, I need a hug.
"H-Hikigaya-kun?"
What.
The.
Fuck.
"Hikigaya-kun? Are you… perhaps in my apartment?-"
That 's… my voice. MY voice. It sounds cutely bizarre to hear my own name with Yukinoshita's tone but with my deep voice.
"Uhhh… I believe I am grunt" Holy shit, Yukinoshita's voice grunting, too cute, too cute I tell you!
"You.. you didn't drug me somehow with that hug yesterday did you?"
"Of course not woman!... Err Yukinoshita, if anything I was feeling sleepy yesterday!" I think that if any government agency is listening to me with Yukinoshita's voice talking about me drugging me, I'm fucked either way.
She… he, she? well I giggled
"Yukinoshita…" I start
"Yes?" I respond, I'm going clinically insane
"This is not the most embarrassing thing I've said in 24 hours… I usually love the sound of your playful giggling."
"Uhhhhh"
Damn it, do I sound so stupid normally? I wanna die
"But please stop, it's disturbing to even say this and hear you, but to hear myself is terrifying"
"Ara. So you've come to realize how much of a creep you are, Hiki-selfconscious-kun"
… Yeah, that came out as if I had said that… no. just… No.
"Ahhh right stop, I'll be on my way, I'll get home like in half an hour, 45 minutes if I have your stamina."
I cut the call short before I can hear my usual grumbling but with a little bit more grace and eloquence, my mind has overloaded enough.
I am very much awake… but how?!
After some of the worst psychological torture I could inflict upon myself (I had to put… panties on) and then had to get dressed in a female Sobu uniform I think if I died now, there's not much to say, I have seen it all.
Alright, home, I still won't believe the other part of this shitshow if I don't see it.
Yukino POV, a little before Hachiman woke up on her body and apartment:
*Rumbling and unintelligible conversation*
Mmmmm
"Dear! Don't forget to take the drive with you! You need to discuss the change in process with Futaba-san!" I can hear a muffled female voice coming from outside the room.
female voice? That was certainly not Nee-san or mother, who is there?!
I have always been a light sleeper and I am more or less accustomed to waking up at this hour of…
[5:01 AM]
Blue case…
This is not my phone.
That smell…
Hikigaya-kun?!
I'm in his bed! It smells too strongly like him… but there is no extra warmth…
More than concern for his absence, I am concerned about what in Pan-san's name happened, and if what I fear happened, how come I don't remember anything?!
He wouldn't have… would he?
Oh my gods, he could have taken my request as a green light for his most rooted savage carnal desires… which doesn't sound that mortifying.
No, Yukino! Don't get corrupted by that man's lust!
And most importantly, I wasn't abused right? I don't remember anything, which is disturbingly alarming… but I also don't feel anything.
If the anatomy lectures from Biology serve well I should feel some strong sensation down th-...ere.
….
….
Am I under the effect of a big dose of stimulant and depressant substances tossed in a mix?
WHY DO I HAVE THAT IN MY GROIN?!
Blue bed… Gray sweater and black thermal pants… blue phone case… ABSURDLY REALISTIC feeling of the male genitals between my legs. I can confirm it, I have somehow not woken up yet.
But it feels real, too real. Again, if I try to concentrate on waking up I just might.
I gently clap my hands on my cheeks only to realize… Hikigaya-kun's hands. They are manlier and a little more robust than what I expected.
I am blushing like an idiot, great. At least it's a dream, I don't think I could stop laughing until I die should I witness Hikigaya-kun blushing furiously after essentially clapping and cupping his own cheeks.
Alright, next plan. I should follow the source of the voices I heard earlier.
Just as I open the door of my… Hikigaya-kun's room I find myself face to face with a mature woman sporting glasses and the stupid ahoge I reckon I myself am sporting right now. Although I myself, as in my real awake appearance and not this strange hallucination, have an ahoge, I always find it funny how Hikigaya-kun looks like a robot or a wifi repeater.
"Ah Hachiman! You're usually not awake this early."
This feels like a real conversation… it can't be.
"Komachi should wake up soon, get ready for school now."
I am afraid to open my mouth.
"...Hachiman?"
Ahhhh damnitdamnitdamnit
"Uhhh yes?"
"Why are you standing up like that?"
Am I doing something weird? This dream appears seriously well programmed.
"Standing up how…. mother?"
"Mother- Alright what's going on?" She says with a tone similar to that of Hiratsuka-sensei when she's about to hit Hikiga… when she's about to hit me I suppose.
"Uhhh wait, what am I doing wrong?" I place my hands in front of me to protect myself
"What did you do to my son?"
FUCKFUCKFUCK If even I'm cursing and monologuing it means I'm really Hikigaya-kun, but if his mother saw through me does that mean this is some strange case like that western movie inception?
"W-what do you mean?"
"Hachiman slouches like an old man, your posture is correct, almost feminine in a way…-"
Yes! Finally someone agrees with me when I try to tell Hikigaya-kun to fix his posture
"And what's this about calling me mother?-" Is… is she not Hikigaya-kun's mother? What about the Ahoge? Oh goodness if I somehow got mixed up with his family then I want to die, the embarrassment should make me wake up!
"You usually only huff or grumble when addressed, you are not the impolite brat my son is, what did you do?"
Ok, think fast Yukino
"Uhhhh, I am still waking up… mom, I thought doing something cringy would fully wake me up." with some extra Hikigaya trademark grumbling I make a ten out of ten personification.
*bonk* Ow, what was that for?
Hikigaya-san just 'whacked' me on top of the head, I felt it was completely real.
"Huff, well get ready Hachiman, your dad and I are leaving now" I nod as I now distinguish she's dressed in business attire.
"Uhhh yeah, good day."
She nods and heads downstairs.
I quickly head back onto my room? my room and plop on the bed tiredly.
Astounding, not two minutes of imitating a creature as vile as Hikigaya-kun drained my energy supply.
I check his phone.
[5:18 AM]
I woke up over 15 minutes ago, this still seems too surreal.
That 's right! If this is real, and I'm in Hikigaya-kun's body, that can only mean he's in mine… however disturbing that sounds, I want to call the police.
Now, to call myself… Hikigaya-kun didn't set up his fingerprint on his phone, it certainly has that technology, it's not that old… That idiot, lazygaya-kun.
Ummm what can I try?
1234? That doesn't work, he's not that big of an idiot
0000? Also no.
Hikigaya… Hachiman… Hachi, birthday 8 of august
8888?
It worked, Hiki-narcissist-kun, it only took me 3 attempts to break in your phone, I giggle lightly.
He doesn't have my number…
That's a little bit hurting, but to be fair I never bothered to give him my contact information, let's see…
Komachi-san… Totsuka-san… Hiratsuka-sensei… Kawasaki-san… Bedbug?... Yu-
I am going to be honest, trusting that whatever I think in his body does not get relayed to his mind, but I never expected to feel jealousy of something as petty and mundane as a contact information, Yuigahama-san is labeled with a lot of subsequent emoticons.
But it soothes me that if even Komachi-san isn't labeled like this then the most likely case is that Yuigahama-san added herself this way, the man is a massive disgusting siscon, there is no way someone receives better treatment than Komachi-san.
I'll ring Yuigahama-san, she pesters me quite often with messages and hieroglyphics, she has my number.
*Ring…. Ring… Ring…*
She picks up
I foolishly make my voice deeper, confused by my… Well, the identity of being Yukinoshita Yukino I somehow thought I had to make myself sound like Hikigaya-kun, while also forgetting I already sound like Hikigaya-kun.
"Yo, Yuigahama-san" (ultra deep voice)
"H-H-Hikki?! W-why do you c-call so early? Y-you never call actually.."
"Uhhh yeah, grunt, I actually called to ask for Yukino's number."
"..."
"Yuigahama-san?"
"Call me Yui."
"What'"
"Call me Yui Hikki."
"Uhhh why?" I wouldn't have any inconvenience, but I'm treading on thin ice, Hikigaya-kun's relationships are his own… although I boldly proclaimed yesterday that I wanted to understand him… and his reply…
Ah, I'm blushing again.
"Why?! You call me just after I wake up, and not even good morning, you jump straight onto asking for Yukinon's number! And you call her by her name for the second time while you now use honorifics with me! Mou!"
That's right, I forgot Hikigaya-kun doesn't use honorifics with us, and I addressed myself with my given name! I want to sink onto this bed.
"Listen Yuigahama, just give me Yukinoshita's number, I need it urgently"
"Well why don't you ask her in club you jerk!" She hung up
Yuigahama-san… I believe I said urgently, I could be drowning and thanks to this I died.
Well, let's try with Hiratsuka-sensei, she also has my number
*Ring…. Ring… Ring…*
"Speak Brat."
"Uhhh good morning Sensei."
"Yeah yeah, save it Hikigaya, I have your little essay here with me, I'm gonna treat you real good once you get to my office" I gulp
"So what is it'"
"Ummm, could you.. please provide me with… Yukinoshita's number?"
"..."
"Sensei?"
"Hikigaya… I'm gonna hit you twice now, no, thrice."
"W-wwhy?!"
"Hikigaya, it's 5:26 AM, I normally would gladly help, but the time and your bullshit essay don't put me in the mood to be your wingman, how about you be my wingman this weekend?"
Oof
"Secondly, grow a pair you brat! Ask the lady yourself if you already picked your woman." I start blushing… yet again.
After she hangs up I can only rely on Totsuka-san, if I recall correcly when Hikigaya-kun and I were sole members and helped him with his tennis practice Hikigaya-kun spouted some excuse about outsourcing.
Let's outsource you Totsuka-san.
Please, forgive me Totsuka-san, I didn't intend my monologue to sound so much like Nee-san, with Hikigaya-kun's inner voice, what a dichotomy of cynics.
*Ring…. Ring… Ring…*
"Moshi Moshi? Hachiman?"
"Good morning… Tostuka"
"Good morning Hachiman!" he says merrily when it hits me… I KNOW MY OWN NUMBER
I feel incredibly stupid. Again, astounding, one morning as Hikigaya-kun and my intellectual coefficient drops, what do I tell Totsuka-san now? It'd be rude to hang up without actually communicating anything.
And to add immersive value, I think calling someone just for the sake of saying hello is the most repulsive idiotic normie behavior…. heheheh I can't refrain from giggling at Hikigaya-kun's natural ramblings when they come from me.
"Uhhh Totsuka, Hiratsuka is out to get me… again, can you cover something for me? Any excuse will suffice"
"Geez Hachiman" He sighs but agrees
"Appreciate it Totsuka."
Alright, moment of truth
*Ring…. Ring… Ring…*
"Moshi moshi"
It-It can't be… that's really my voice.
"Onii-chan?"
"Huh?"
"You look…different today."
Oh dear, not again.
"How so?"
"I don't know… you look, less depressing and more… sophisticated" She says while slitting her eyes and analyzing me
"You actually put on your tie and buttoned your shirt, you eat almost like a girl would eat."
It never came to me that Hikigaya-kun never puts on his tie until I spotted abandoned on his closet and I am intentionally slouching for the sake of my cover, but Hikigaya-kun's disinterest for his appearance might hinder it.
"So, what's the occasion Onii-chan?"
"What do you mean Komachi?"
"Don't play dumb onii-chan, something happened, and if I were to guess it involves Yukino-san?"
Gulp
"Interesting hypothesis my most dear cute little sister, but what makes you think it involves Yukinoshita?"
"Well, you looked like you were beaten up ever since you came back from Kyoto, and I didn't pry much about it, but yesterday you said you were going to 'fix' your mess with her and came back smiling like an idiot. On top of that this is the first time you put on the tie ever since you got run over, by the same girl that I assume you did something with yesterday."
Ignoring how I averted a second heart attack in the span of one morning, I am taken aback by this newfound intelligence.
"Aaaand now you're blushing like a middle school girl."
I resort to his signature embarrassed grunts
"Heh, nice guess but unfortunately wrong Komachi, it has nothing to do with Yukinoshita."
"That right? Well ok Onii-chan" She says in a deadpan face and monotonous tone, I suspect Komachi-san doesn't believe me.
"But when you come back you're telling me everything, ok?"
I just nod to get her off my case, I need to get better at handling pressure, Hikigaya-kun did mention how I have such a soft spot for Yuigahama-san.
"Nyaaa"
The ahoge on my head almost stands at a 90 degree angle to this sound.
Oh. Heavens.
"Nyaaa"
A cute little ball of fur and joy presses himself against my leg, this is too much… I was not prepared to endure such a trial.
"Nyaa?"
Ah it doesn't matter, I can't resist.
"Nyaaa"
"Nyaa!"
"Nyaaa"
"Ny"
"Onii-chan! Stop being stupid with Kamakura and get going already, you'll be late!"
Now that I was separated from this fluffy rush of serotonin I have an actual reason to perfect Hikigaya-kun's grumbles.
As I am dreading heading to the street to test my stamina on Hikigaya-kun's bicycle I spot something jogging towards me.. something that would make me rush to get an antidoping test shouldn't it be for this crazy morning.
I am jogging towards me with heavy respiration audibly noticeable…
"Yu-Yukinoshita!" I yell?
"Uhhh good morning Hikigaya-kun" He responds
Hikigaya-kun stops to catch his breath by half standing and grabbing… my knees, I already have a stratospheric level headache, at least Hikigaya-kun's hands make a better suitor for… also his temples
"It's been over an hour since I called you, I guess you have to deal with my endurance, or lack of thereof to be precise"
"huff.. huff Y-yeah"
"How come you aren't all sweaty?"
"I took… little rest between runs… I didn't want you to look all beat in School."
"My, how thoughtful Hiki-yuki-kun" D-did I really say that out loud? I want to pass away in this very instant.
"Heh… like hell demon super me, I only took this precaution because it cost me a lot to put on your uniform… yes that sounded extremely perverted.. don't mention it."
So his grumbling stayed with me and my aversion to degeneracy and promiscuity latched onto him, hehehe
"Seriously… woman, If I didn't see it below your blazer I would forget Sobu even has a sweater."
Looking again at him… at me, he really dressed alright, with how little care he gives to his appearance in normal circumstances, not to be too egocentric, but I look quite cute if I say so myself, but there is something missing, I can tell right away.
"Huh? Oh right, here, put these on your… my hair please"
He notices my staring and hands me my red ribbons, the missing part.
"Huh, I barely spotted they were missing."
"Yeah, after these months they give an air of familiarity to you, and if I can start backing what I declared yesterday… I love them, they look cute on you"
He says with a little nod to give validity to his outrageous statement, how can I blush so hard so many times in one morning?!
I start tying my ribbons to distract myself from how flustered I am when I can feel both of our heart rates drop.
"Ahhh! Onii-chan! SO THAT'S WHY YOU WERE SO HAPPY AND PRESENTABLE!"
The air raid sirens didn't go off as the Enola Komachi closed in on us, when I turned myself to face… me, Hikigaya-kun resigns himself to what's coming.
"Onii-chan! Look at you all ladies man! I take my watch off you for a week and a half and I find you dressing up for Yukino-san and fixing her hair while blushing like a hubby!"
"Konnichiwa… Komachi-san" Hikigaya-kun is clearly conflicted about not being able to fulfill his siscon needs as I can detect my voice came out more coarse than what he greeted me with.
"Ahhh Yukino-san, ohayo!" Komachi salutes Hikigaya-kun with a toothy smile "now that you're all lovey-dovey, can I call you Yukinee-chan?"
Hikigaya-kun goes almost teary eyed at his incapacity to rain Komachi-san with affection, I never thought about how I looked when I sulk.
"A-As you wish… Komachi-chan"
Hang on, shouldn't I get a say in this?
"yatta Yukinee-chan!" As Komachi runs towards my body and embraces it in a tight hug Hikigaya-kun is turning into putty in front of my eyes
"Come on Yuk- Hikigaya-kun, let 's go."
"Ah, sure"
As we say our goodbyes to Komachi-san we find ourselves on a dilemma, hwo do we actually get there.
Hikigaya-kun, again with the preposterous and dauntless proposals, asked me to give myself a ride on his bike.
I protested at first but I know first hand that he can't walk any longer and I don't want to get scolded for tardy arrival, I mean, Hikigaya-kun would actually have to listen to the scolding, but I would be affected on the registry.
After a while on the road I think that in any other circumstances would have been embarrassing as all the hell heaven and earth could convey, but also somewhat sweet, Hikigaya-kun is wrapping my arms around himself as I pedal with his energy and he sits in the back while resting.
"You know…" He starts saying something "Totsuka is one thing, but this just feels super gay"
"Really? You're pressing and hugging your own back, are you perhaps too cynical or do you despise your own existence?"
"Heh, how did this even happen?"
"In your own dialect: dunno"
He pinches his own back with my fingers, before pressing himself against me again.
"How shitty, this isn't how I imagined my first time riding with another girl other than Komachi would be" he pouts
"Oh? Do tell how you pictured a genuine bicycle ride with a female companion"
"Well, if you're gonna try to understand me, I did picture it with you, but of course I didn't think I would be in the back." It's my turn to transform into putty, I guess I had that coming.
…
"Oi, pull over and leave me here." curious to hear myself mutter his typical csll of attention
"Really Hikigaya-kun? Embarrassed that you will be seen arriving at grounds with a beautiful girl on your back?" I tease
"Hell no, right after we sort this mess we're doing this again, but for now I can walk."
"No, Hikigaya-kun, we're almost there anyway, look, the conveniences store is right ther-"
"Yukino-chan?!"
"!"
"!"
What are the odds, we stop for a little back and forth and we're hit in the head with the appearance of Nee-san.
All of this, How did this happen?
Alright first thing super important: If you physically recoiled from the cringe of the autonomy monologue, i want to disclose that that thing is an essay 100% written by me over a year and a half ago. I have expressed several times how when I first came into contact with oregairu I self inserted so hard in Hachiman, therefore I popped that essay out for a literature and redaction class. Of course, I'm still a bitter loner but not that pathetic, I guess I wanted to rind homage to my edgy self back in junior year.
Also if you noticed how I stole the homeostasis and transistasis concepts explanation from Ritsuko in Evangelion, I noticed when translating, so in its deffect an Evangelion quote, within a Your name rip off, within an Oregairu fanfic: stealception gentlemen.
Also, I believe I'm not the first one to pitch this, loner-kun wrote one involving body swap, I didn't read it but that's that.
Enjoy my shit, review and like if you liked.