Chapter Four: Everything's Better With Pie
~ Kara ~
I wanted to stay with Lena for the rest of the night, but as soon as she left for her room I knew I couldn't stay. I took off towards National City, and I flew up to the top of the CatCo building and perched on the edge of the roof and pulled out my cell-phone dialing Kal. It picked up after two rings.
"Kara, I'm glad you called." My cousin sounded upset, but I didn't know why. I was half tempted to let him go, but I needed to talk to someone and he already knew what was going on.
"I was hoping to talk, could you meet me?" I asked simply, and I could hear him nodding.
"Usual place?" He asked, using a shorthand in case his phone was being monitored. His dealings with General Lane and the Department of Defense made me nervous.
"Sounds good, say thirty?" I suggested, knowing it took us just under twenty-five minutes at a casual flying speed to get there.
"I'll be there." He said quickly, ending the call.
The diner was halfway between Metropolis and National City, and had the best assortment of pie in the continental United States. Kal was already waiting outside, and gave me a wide smile when I came around the corner in my civilian clothes. He pulled me into a tight hug as only he could, and I felt myself relax. We grabbed a booth away from most of the other patrons, and the waitress came by quickly. I ordered an entire chocolate cream pie, and Kal got an apple one with a crumb topping. Carol, the waitress knew us both by name, and poured us a couple cups of coffee which I knew we wouldn't have to pay for.
"I assume Lena woke up?" Kal said with a strained but friendly expression. He was clearly conflicted about the entire situation.
"Yes and we had a fight, she's at the Fortress." I admitted, although our argument was inevitable I desperately wanted things to be right between me and Lena.
"Did you tell her how you feel?" He gave me a sympathetic look, and touched my hand to reassure me. I shrugged, feeling tears start to form.
"No, I chickened out. Now, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I mean I'll wait for her, but she's so angry with me." I said, curling my hand up and holding his tightly. My relationship with Kal had been a struggle. When I was younger I had trouble forgiving him for abandoning me to the Danver's when I was a teenager. But once I put on the suit, it all made sense. While it was possibly a poor choice on his part, he was alone, with great powers and an even greater responsibility and my sudden appearance must've felt overwhelming to him at the time.
"I know you might not want to hear this, but she may never forgive you." He winced as he said it, and I shut my eyes as I felt a wave of emotional pain. The idea of Lena never forgiving me, of severing all ties and cutting me out of her life entirely almost physically hurt to think about.
"I don't know if I could live with that." I admitted, and felt instantly ashamed. I was so wrapped up in my feelings that I couldn't see how badly they were affecting my actions and decisions. I had altered Lena's body so I wouldn't have to bear her being gone forever, it was a selfish choice and one I would have to live with.
"I wish I knew for your sake, but honestly I don't know Lena. She is clearly nothing like Lex, who would be my only frame of reference." He gave me a sad half smile, and we both looked down awkwardly. Then the food came, and we both dug into our pies. Clark had told me once that he rarely got the opportunity to indulge. I was halfway through mine when Clark set his fork down barely a quarter of the way through his pie.
"I've been thinking about what happened. If I was in the same position I may have done the same thing." He said with a deep breath, then looked thoughtful for a second. "I can't believe that Lex is dead. A part of me doesn't believe it."
"I believe it, she was devastated. Angry. She even threw one of her Murano vases at that gaudy family portrait Lillian gave her years ago before the whole Cadmus thing." I said, knowing that Lena hated it and just hadn't had the time to take it down.
"You know her as well as I know Lois. God, Lena is your family, as much as Alex or J'onn." Kal said with a strange reverence, the look in his eyes changing slightly.
"I will always be there for her, and maybe we can repair our friendship. I doubt we'll ever be together, and I don't even know if that was a possibility in the first place. But especially now, the Fortress has accepted her as a Kryptonian. Kelex crafted a house sigil for her, and he's going to enter it into the Birthing Matrix." Kal's eyebrows shot up and he cocked his head with a half smile-half frown.
"It's almost too much to take in, and it isn't happening to me. She must be freaking out." Kal said thoughtfully again, a sympathetic look in his eyes.
"Kal, she is one of the smartest people on the planet. If anyone can process this mess I know it would be her." I said feeling like I still had to defend her even though Kal had obviously begun to accept her.
"Well my father will want to pick her brain then, he's always lurking around the Fortress, and honestly he would've intervened if what you were doing was completely ill advised." I smiled at him, it was his way of conceding the point.
"I had totally forgotten about his program. I used to interact with Alura, but since we found Argo I archived her program." As I mentioned it I realized I didn't have an AI contact at the Fortress anymore, and relying on Kelex was perhaps a mistake.
"We have a holo of Zor-El." Kal offered, but the idea felt too painful.
"No, actually I was thinking of calling up Lora's program. With your permission." The idea felt right, I loved Lora almost more than my mother. She took care of me when I was little and my mom was busy with government business. Jor-El was a piece of work, but Lora was sweet and loving and made me feel loved in a way my mother and father never could. I always felt a bit guilty about the time I had with Lora, because Kal never got to know her.
"I know it would be of comfort to her, I have the hardest time interacting with that program. It just reminds me what I… we lost." He looked down at his pie, and pushed it forward.
I shook my head, the reality of the holograms was that they were not exactly AI. They were copies of our lost loved ones scanned into the Historical Matrix and projected like ghosts that were visible and you could speak to. With a single preference they could be capable of providing the full range of personality of anyone in the database. Including myself, Kal and now Lena.
I frowned, "soul imprints, I have never liked that technology. It's like talking to ghosts."
"I guess that's why I've always preferred working with the Jor-El template. He is so dispassionate about things, that I often forget he is supposed to be an accurate representation of my father." Kal frowned and looked down at his pie, picking up the fork and taking another bite.
"I don't think we've ever talked about your parents." I said, almost afraid of how he would respond. He had never once asked me what they were like, or how I thought of them.
"No, I never asked because I was kind of afraid of what you would say." Kal didn't look up and put down his fork again.
"I practically lived at your house when I was little. The El property was vast, but your father preferred his quarters near the lab complex which was an hour away by hovercraft. Lora made as nice a home as she could there, but it was a little sparse. I stayed in what would've been your room when I visited with Aunt Astra. Astra and your mom were best friends throughout secondary school and finishing school. Alura was kind of the serious one of the group, and rarely hung out with them. At least according to Astra and Lora, mom probably would've disagreed. I actually stayed with Lora through most of her pregnancy, which was so wonderful… Kal are you okay?" I was lost in memories when I saw his reaction, I had never seen Kal cry, but he sat back with a stoic look on his face as tears began to stream down his cheeks. He shook his head and reached back across the table and took my hand.
"It's just that I missed everything. What my life should have been. I loved my parents, and I wouldn't trade my life here for anything, but often wonder what would have happened if your pod hadn't been thrown off course." He sounded melancholy and sad, but gave me a warm smile as he squeezed my hand even tighter.
"I would've been your mother. It might have been tough at first, but the directive was clear. Create the fortress and take care of you. Which is exactly what I would've done. You would've grown up with Jor and Lora as fully functional holos to help me raise you." I had dreamed about that a lot when I first arrived, what our lives should've been. But then I wouldn't have Alex or Eliza. While I would've been the first to step into the cape because I couldn't have been able to sit aside and let the world suffer, I wouldn't have the friends and allies I do now.
Kal shook his head again, "that would've been nice. But Kara, I should've adopted you. I'm sorry for that."
"I forgave you a long time ago. I mean at the time it was impossible, but looking back, as abandoned as I felt, I gained a kaju, jeju and teja." I shrugged, managing to hold back my own tears.
"Father, mother, sister right? My Kryptonian is a little spotty." Kal gave me a somewhat sheepish smile, I knew he didn't study the language for his own reasons. Of course that was partially because he wasn't raised immersed in our language as he would've been if I had raised him.
"That's right, and you are my ehjonte or cousin in English. I am your tejonta or the feminine of cousin. I've never used those terms openly with the Danvers, but they are my family. I miss Jeramiah, and I couldn't imagine my life without Alex." Speaking those thoughts aloud made me realize I had closed off my life on Krypton even from those I considered family. I had shut off that part of my life because it was too painful to remember.
"Speaking of family, Lena will have our longevity. So if you commit to her, you need to commit." Kal's words felt like a punch in the gut again, and I just nodded. Commitment wasn't my issue, it was admitting to her that I was a coward when it came to relationships. My track record was spotty at best; Kenny never worked out, and I ended up hurting him. Dani pushed my boundaries too far too fast and by the time I was ready to admit I loved her, she was already gone. Jimmy never really started because our timing was awful. Then there was Mon-El, which had been a struggle from day one, and ended with my heart being stomped apart.
I immediately pouted and pointed towards his pie. "I know. Are you going to finish that?"
"No, and I should get back to Metropolis, and you should get back to Lena." Kal stood up from the booth and I stood and gave him a hug goodbye.
"I will, we'll talk soon." I said softly, already missing him. I plopped back down and started to eat. My mind drifted to Lena, and a flash of her on that table, the life drained from her. Even knowing she was alive, the memory made my heart ache.
I got up after finishing Kal's pie and went to the register. "Clark already paid sweetie. You're good to go."
"Could I get a Cherry Chocolate Cheesecake to go?" I asked without thinking, it was Lena's favorite thing in the world and she still had no idea where I got it from.
"One slice or a whole?" Carol gave me a knowing smile of satisfaction. She had been in a small war of wills with her baker for years.
"Whole if you have any left." I gave her my joyful and hopeful smile, not that I felt particularly joyful or hopeful.
"Let me check, I think we might have one back up." She disappeared into the back, and came back with a box of cheesecake already wrapped up. "You're in luck, last one from this morning's batch. Eric's gonna be pissed, we have to make more for tomorrow." If you went by her words it was a bad thing, but her pleasant expression betrayed her real feelings on the matter. In truth she wanted fresh baked daily, Eric wanted to make a lot every week and freeze it. An argument I was never supposed to know about.
"Eric knows I always buy him out of cheesecake." I said as an attempt at friendly banter.
"Yes, but you haven't been back in a couple of months." She frowned, and it was true. My life had been too complicated for pie.
"Been super hectic back home. I'll see you soon Carol, and next time I'll bring someone new." I smiled reassuringly as I paid and took the cheesecake.
"Oh? I hope they're better than, oh gosh what was his name, Mike?" She gave me a sympathetic look, Mike had been in rare form the day I had brought him to the diner. He didn't understand how special it was to me and kept making snide comments about the décor and food. Carol almost threw him out and our fight afterwards almost broke us up.
"A lot better, and already a fan of this cheesecake." I was torn, would Lena like this place? She wouldn't make crass comments, but she might not see it like Clark and I do.
"Well, that's good to hear, see ya soon sweetie." She gave me her usual bittersweet smile, glad I came and sorry I was leaving. I left with a wave and took off towards the Fortress, but realized there was something else I needed to do first. I started towards National City and was within a block of Alex's apartment when I heard her crying. I stopped and checked my phone, only to find three text messages and four missed calls.
"Crap." I flew to my apartment and dropped off the cheesecake, knowing if I took it with me Alex would assume I brought it for her. Then I made a b-line for my sister's apartment. I found her sitting on the floor in front of her couch with her face buried in one of the cushions. She looked up as I came in and her eyes were puffy with tears, a piece of paper clenched up in one hand.
"Kelly… she's gone." Alex managed to get out between sobs. I rushed over and pulled her up onto the couch and into a hug. She buried her head against my chest and continued to cry for a long time. I just held her, happy to be there for someone who needed me. Eventually she pulled back and sat against me looking exhausted. She turned towards me with a broken sigh.
"She got a job in Metropolis. One she couldn't turn down. She's wanted to tell me for weeks, but didn't until she was sure how she felt. She said she loves me, but couldn't stay just for me."
"Rao, Alex I'm so sorry." I wanted to say she wasn't worth it, but Kelly was great and this was awful.
"I'll be okay." She sniffed a few times, and wiped the tears out of her eyes. "You must be losing your mind right now. What happened with Lena?"
"She's at the fortress." I admitted, not sure how much to tell her.
"What did you do? We confirmed with several hospital employees, which we managed to cover up for you by the way, that Lena died in the emergency room. Then you took her body." Alex pulled back and I stood and began to pace.
"I had Kelex run some options, and we found a solution." I managed to get out, worried about what came next.
"A solution… to death?" Alex said incredulously with a touch of awe and wonder in her voice.
"Yeah. Kal and I can't really die. Even if my body loses all electrical impulses, I can be revived as long as it isn't complete Kryptonite poisoning which would destroy my capacity to store solar energy." I knew she suspected as much but she sat back in clear pain realizing that I was going to outlive her by a very long time. She shook her head and then her eyes went wide.
"Oh Kara, please tell me you didn't do something to her body?" The disappointment in her expression and voice almost physically hurt. Hitting home again just how far I had gone over the line.
I looked down and shut my eyes briefly in shame, "I did. I justified it because she had asked me to save her. She also gave me power of attorney in case of infirmity, and I know she wanted to live. So I weighed our two best options, and went with the one with the best possibility of success."
"Which was what?" Alex had a dark look on her face, and her voice was just at the edge of fury.
"We altered her at the genetic level, giving her cells the ability to store solar energy." I just said it, I couldn't figure out a way of sugar coating what had been done. Her face fell completely and she stood and went over to the balcony window, the moonlight brightening her face ever so slightly.
"You made her Kryptonian?" Alex's voice was flat, and I couldn't be sure if she was angry, sad or indifferent. It was almost worse than if she were angry.
"Partially, and it only worked because she was dead… and that sounds horrible." I frowned in disgust at my own decision. I had done something unforgivable, perhaps even monstrous to someone I loved.
Alex turned, and shook her head at me in disappointment, "because it is horrible, Kara, how could you do that?" There was her anger, and it almost gave me a wave of relief. I could handle her anger, I couldn't handle her losing faith in me completely.
"I couldn't let her go." I said softly, knowing what I would have to say next.
"Why?" Of course she asked the most pertinent question. I sighed and collapsed on the couch.
"Why? Lena asked me the same question, and I couldn't tell her. Not when there is so much standing between us now. I wanted to tell her my secret last week, before the whole Harun-El drama. Instead I get wrapped up in another major villain trying to destroy the world, and Lena had to deal with Lex. She extracted Harun-El and then killed him. It took everything out of her, only to have him mess with her head one last time by revealing my identity and painting my actions as mocking her trust. So yesterday, we went to lunch and she confronted me. We didn't leave things well, and she got very drunk and had a moment of weakness. She killed herself, but she didn't want to die so she called out to me. I was too late, but I didn't… I couldn't… I love her, Alex." She shook her head in confusion.
"I know that you two are best… oh… why didn't you tell me?" The realization on her face was quickly followed by her crossing over and sitting next to me, picking up my hand in hers and squeezing tightly. The look of understanding and sympathy was harder to accept than her anger.
"I didn't realize it until she was gone." I said through deep belly sobs, my whole body reacting to the emotions, although I was careful not to crush her hands accidentally.
"You lost your mind with grief. I think I can relate." She closed her eyes and let out a brief single chuckle that was mostly a blast of air. Then she took a deep breath and looked at me. She lifted a hand and wiped away my tears and then pulled me into a hug. Then we both just cried together, it was very rare when we were both nursing massive heartaches at the same time. When I finally pulled away, I had to wipe more tears away and had to grab a tissue from the mostly empty box on the coffee table to blow my nose.
"I think she accepts my reasons, but she is so hurt. All I can think about is getting back up there and trying to fix things between us." I knew I was being selfish talking about my issues, but I knew there was almost no point talking about their break up. Alex would be focused on me, it was how she coped with things, distracting herself with work or her loved ones rather than deal with her own problems.
"It'll take her some time, and if it were me I might not be able to forget. Although I'm sure she'll forgive you eventually." Alex sounded very reassuring, despite telling me something I didn't want to hear. I had no idea how she did it, perhaps it was a big sister thing.
"How can you be so sure?" I said through sad sniffles.
"Because Lena loves you, maybe not romantically but she has shown again and again that you are one of her priorities. Who else could show up unannounced for lunch with one of the most important CEOs in National City?" Alex smiled, and I could tell she was holding back. Hedging her comments slightly, which made me realize she already knew about my feelings for Lena and had been observing Lena for signs of her feelings for me. It was such an Alex thing to do.
"I never thought of it that way. We were always just good friends." I admitted, my feelings were always there but I just couldn't see or understand them.
"Kara, you may not realize it but Lena is your family, lover or sister it hardly matters. You are her person, and hearing that secret from Lex of all people must've been impossible." Alex squeezed my shoulder, although her words hit me hard. It was true, I should've come clean a long time ago.
"I was going to tell her." I said, but it was an excuse. I knew I wanted to tell her, but I had no idea if I would ever have the courage to do it.
"Everything?" Alex raised an eyebrow, she knew when I was being evasive or holding back.
"I… I don't know." I frowned, it was basically admitting that I was afraid.
"Then you're not being honest with her." Alex gave me a sympathetic smile, but I could see a touch of disappointment in her eyes.
"You're right." I closed my eyes and shook my head, I had to admit my feelings to Lena. She had to know everything. I gave my sister a hug and stood up, before taking off. I was almost halfway out of the city before remembering the cheesecake. Then I was speeding towards the fortress, my heart beating in my ears.
Author's Note: I will admit using Kryptonian is strange, I will attempt to put context every time I use it. If not I will make sure to put translations in my notes. Sorry for the long delay, I've been working on In Another Life and this kind of fell to the wayside. I am still focused on that story, but this is a nice break for me. I have no idea when I'll post the next chapter but it will show up at some point in the next month. Thank you for reading!