A/N: Two Ghosts is the prequel to When We Were Young and its sister fic, Personal Cathedrals. I wrote the other two this past summer, long before the current season started airing, so there are some creative liberties involved (a certain letter *ahem*) the letter referenced here and in Personal Cathedrals is NOT the same letter we now know of!

Welcome to my version of Return of the Prodigal Son.

It started out as a simple mundane morning. They'd all had. Every major event in Olivia's life had started off as a completely normal, simple morning.

Get up, get ready, get Noah off to school, get to work, get through the day. She had a routine. Consistency. She liked that. Needed it, really. Consistency grounded her. Kept her in the present and didn't let her fall victim to the ghosts of her past. Consistency helped.

Consistency…was good.

*

Her hands gripped the steering wheel as she drove through the streets of Manhattan later that night. She was being celebrated by the NYPD; a gala held in her honor, though the thought of all the attention on her made her want to vomit. She'd been practicing her speech over and over as some soft pop song played through the radio, filling the void in her SUV with sound.

We're not who we used to be

She laughed to herself as she listened to the lyrics the young crooner sang in her stereo. She wasn't who she used to be, back when she first started SVU. But that was the point of this ceremony, wasn't it? Acknowledging and celebrating all of her accomplishments on the force in the last twenty years, the leaps and bounds she'd grown from junior detective to commanding officer of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit.

She'd been running through the beginning of her speech when she'd gotten the call. As Captain, of course she couldn't take a night off, even when it was a night of celebration being held in her honor.

"Captain Benson," she answered, her voice reverberating through the interior of her vehicle. It was deeper now, grown huskier now as she'd aged.

It wasn't the only thing about her that had changed.

The call was quick; she hadn't been provided much detail, just urgently called to the scene of the crime. She hadn't wasted breath trying to find out why, figuring she would find out soon enough anyways upon her arrival. She changed direction and saw the haze of flashing blue and red lights ahead of her as she drove down the street and dropped her speed, slowing her car down.

Award ceremony or not, it was going to have to wait. Duty called.

She parked on the side of the road and stepped out of the SUV, her heels clanking against the asphalt with each step she took. Her nose was instantly met with the harsh scent of smoke and charred flesh. It never got easier to stomach, even two decades into this. She closed her eyes, gathering her composure before she walked to the crime scene tape, wrapping her coat tighter around her body.

"Captain Benson," she repeated as she flashed her badge as she ducked under the barrier. "What do we got?"

"Special request, just for you," the officer beside her said. "Car bombing victim." He led her towards the back of the ambulance, paramedics loading the victim in.

Olivia frowned. This was not the typical kind of call that warranted the Captain of the Special Victims Unit. The paramedics shifted inside the back of the ambulance and she caught a glimpse of the woman on the stretcher, a flash of blonde hair and her breath caught in her throat.

It couldn't be.

"Kathy?" She whispered in disbelief. Her blood turned to ice in her veins. A million thoughts started racing through her mind. If Kathy was the woman on the stretcher in front of her…where was he?

"Liv!"

It was then she heard it, heard him. The voice of a man lost with the ghosts of her past, a fragment of her memory who only visited her in her dreams.

She stopped breathing, her heart pounding in her chest. Her mind was reeling from the aftershock and lack of oxygen. Remembering to breathe, she turned around slowly - knowing her world was about to shift as soon as she did.

"Elliot," she whispered, her eyes running wide.

Elliot Stabler. The one and only. Standing in front of her for the first time in over a decade.

She took a couple of steps towards him as he began to move towards her as well, so in sync even after all this time. She wanted to reach out and touch him, make sure he was real and that this wasn't some figment of her imagination. Not some cruel trick of the gods, some dreamscape she'd exit upon waking up.

Elliot's eyes twinkled as he took in the sight of her. She'd aged gracefully over their decade apart; she wasn't the woman he'd left. Her hair was longer now, longer than he'd seen it and God he just wanted to put his hands in it. Her curves were more prominent, her skin softer. Gentle lines wrinkled her forehead and laugh lines settled along her mouth, evidence of a life well lived. But so much of her was still the same, time would never change her.

"Oh, my God," she whispered.

"Olivia." Elliot's voice was like honey; thick and sweet, the sound of it golden like daylight.

Consistency….went out the window.

We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me

Trying to remember how to have a heartbeat

It was well after midnight when she got home that night. Lucy had watched Noah for the evening and had graciously decided to just stay the night, sleeping in the guest room down the hall that had been set up for her. Olivia's mind still swirled long after she'd left the scene and the hospital, words becoming too much for her. Lucy could tell something had happened but didn't pressure her, letting her have her space.

She checked in on Noah, sleeping peacefully in his room before she retreated to her own. She shut the door behind her and took a deep breath as she kicked her high heels off and across her bedroom.

She sank to the floor against the door, her dress bunching up her back as she went. She didn't care; she was lost inside her own mind.

Same lips red, same eyes blue

Same white shirt, couple more tattoos

Those eyes. Those piercing blue eyes of his. The ones she'd seen every day across her desk for twelve years then only in her dreams for another ten. The ones that saw through her bullshit and every one of her walls; the ones that saw her for her. The ones she never thought she'd see again, at least, not in this lifetime.

So much had changed in their ten years apart. She tugged at the base of her neck, feeling a panic attack coming. She hadn't had one in a while but knew tonight would be the night all hell broke loose. She clawed at her chest as she fought to keep her head above water, forcing oxygen into her lungs as memories washed over her.

Oh, how she had tattoos of her own now but not the kind people would want to see. They weren't the artwork of a skilled artist, but the branding of a vicious monster that decorated her skin. Her mind was still haunted by the demons of her past, of the times she wanted him to come to her rescue but was left all over again. She was back in that beach house being taunted about her former partner. She was back in Cragen's office; being told to clear his desk, that they couldn't keep it as a shrine. She was back when all the emotions were fresh, when the wound of his betrayal still oozed daily.

Olivia pressed her nails into her arm tightly, trying to draw her attention away from the images in her head. She clawed at her skin, not breaking it, as she tried to breathe. She wiped at her nose as she felt the tears start falling.

As abruptly as he'd left her life, he'd re-entered. He was a tornado. Twisting, breaking, chasing. Forcing his way back in. She knew she wouldn't be the same once he cleared her path.

He was dangerous, dark, filled with destruction and yet…she couldn't help but want more. She'd missed him, truly missed him and as much as she hated him for leaving, she didn't want him to leave again.

Like Dorothy, Olivia had a feeling she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

She wept. She tried to stay quiet so Noah and Lucy wouldn't hear her. She wept for their lost partnership, for how her heart had leapt out of her chest at hearing her name on his lips again. For the lost time, for how they'd both grown after their separation. She knew it was a good thing; she wouldn't have made Captain if he'd stayed. They'd both been comfortable and you don't grow in a comfort zone. But damn, did it really have to be so hard? She felt all of those old emotions float back up to the surface and there she was, grieving the loss of him again.

However…he wasn't hers to lose.

Olivia struggled to breathe and the tears became less consistent as her breathing improved. She shakily stood up, shimmying out of the dress she'd bought for the evening. It would now join the others in the back of the closet; sentenced to the land of memories too painful to forget.

Olivia Benson, always rising from the ashes.

She padded across the floor to her bed and grabbed her sweatshirt from the night before as she crawled into it, wiping at her face as she pulled the covers up to her chin. Her phone buzzed on the nightstand but she ignored it, knowing the message would still be waiting for her in the morning.

Sounds like what I used to feel

But I can't touch I what see

It was a night of restless sleep. She stared at the ceiling most of the night, her mind still spinning. All she could think about was him. She felt pathetic; he'd left her without a word for ten years and here she was, completely falling apart at his return. Then, she wondered, what was his original plan? Make an appearance at his award ceremony and then just leave all over again, forcing her to dig up the past and bury it again in the same night?

She drug herself out of bed later than usual that morning. Lucy checked in before she left and Olivia got Noah off to school.

Get up, get ready, get Noah off to school, get to work, get through the day.

Olivia pulled up to the precinct later that morning and groaned. She loved her job and was grateful every day for a fulfilling career but she wanted nothing more than to crawl back under the covers of her bed and pretend this hadn't happened. Wasn't happening.

She walked into the squad room and headed for her office, keeping to herself as she strode through the bustling room. She sighed as she entered her office, not bothering to close the door behind her. She dropped her bag as she sat down at her desk and opened her laptop, reaching down to dig her phone out.

A knock at the door pulled her attention back to the cases at hand. Fin stood in the doorway of her office, two cups of coffee in his hand.

"You look like hell," he said as he walked in, handing one cup to her.

"Thanks," she said stiffly before bringing the cup to her lips.

She knew she looked bad. She hadn't slept at all and her eyes were swollen from crying. Her nose red from wiping it; she didn't need to be reminded.

Fin studied her. "You okay?"

Olivia laughed. "Not really." She sighed again. "It's just…a lot to process."

"I'm sorry," he said. He shuffled anxiously on his feet before adding, "it's partly my fault."

"Your fault?" She echoed.

"I uh….I called Stabler and told him about your ceremony. Asked him to speak at it."

"Fin, I-"

"I just thought…you know, he'd been your partner from the beginning. Who better to talk about your achievements than the one you started with?"

Olivia rubbed her forehead and swallowed, biting her tongue. "He also missed ten years of them, Fin."

"I know." He nodded. "But…ten years is a long time. Figured….it was time to talk."

"Yeah, well, if he wanted to talk, he could have returned any one of my phone calls. Phone works both ways, you know."

"Yeah, I do know. I also know that both of you are stubborn as all hell." He laughed. "And sometimes you have to be pushed into things."

"Fin."

"I'm not saying you have to be friends again but…you owe it to yourself to talk to him. It won't be easy but just..talk to him. I think you both owe it to yourselves to get that kind of closure." He shrugged. "Maybe I'm wrong, but what you two had was special. Life is short, Liv."

She stayed quiet as he turned around and left her office, leaving her with nothing but her thoughts.

*

Olivia stood in the hallway of the hospital that afternoon, gazing in on Kathy and Elliot. A role she'd taken many times in the past; a line that had always defined them now glaringly obvious. She didn't belong here. She wasn't one of them, just a bystander on the outside looking in. Always had been, always would be.

"Liv," Elliot said, noticing her outside the room. He waved her in.

She slid the door open and stepped inside, slowly and quietly closing the door behind her. She turned back to the woman on the bed, now smiling weakly as she clutched her husband's hand.

"I'm sorry I ruined your big award ceremony," Kathy whispered.

He stroked her hand as he sat in the chair beside her bed.

"Oh," Olivia laughed awkwardly, "you did me a favor. I hate making speeches." She paused, realizing how her words sounded. Clearing her throat, she added, "Kathy…can we go back to last night? Do you remember anything?"

"I don't even remember starting the car."

"Did you…see or hear anything? It could…..could be the smallest detail."

"Elliot was on the phone," Kathy paused as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "It was dark. I didn't see anything, I'm sorry."

"You're fine, it's fine," Elliot murmured as he lifted her hand to his face, kissing it gently, at the same time Olivia said, "It's okay."

Kathy smiled weakly as her eyes darted between the two of them. "It's just like the old days," she laughed, "the two of you together….always so in sync."

Olivia offered a tight-lipped smile; now was not the time to air the grievances of their past.

"You really didn't talk for ten years?"

"I didn't even know he was back on the job," she whispered. She blinked, holding her composure. She wasn't about to cry in front of her, not when she was fighting for her life and all Olivia was fighting was the fresh betrayal of his departure.

"That's what Elliot told me. I didn't believe him."

"It's true, Kath." Elliot beamed at her as he ran his thumb over her knuckles, proud to be recognized as the faithful husband he'd fought so hard to portray over the years. He placed a gentle kiss to her forehead as Olivia's phone began to ring. She pulled it out of her pocket and excused herself from the room.

The door slid open again just as she disconnected the call from Fin and slid her phone back into her pocket. Elliot shut the door behind him and turned around, a painful look in his eyes as he stared at her.

"Liv," he started. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me. Just….doing the job."

"Olivia….can we….talk?" He nodded in the direction down the hall towards the waiting room.

Moon dances over your good side

And this was all we'd used to need

Tongue-tied like we've never known

Telling those stories we already told

'Cause we don't say what we really mean

Elliot started off down the hallway and Olivia fell in line behind him, just like old times. He led her to the corner of the room; each sitting down in a green, plastic chair.

"Liv, I'm sorry."

She grimaced. Of all the times she'd imagined this moment, this conversation in her head…of all the scenarios she'd concocted, none of them included his wife barely surviving a car-bombing and fighting for her life in the next room.

"Elliot, we don't have to do this," she whispered. Now wasn't the time and definitely not the place for this conversation.

Her eyes danced up to meet his and she knew there was no going back now, no way to escape this unscathed.

"You wanna do this now," she muttered, nodding to herself. "You're sorry…for leaving?" She chirped, years of pent up anger surging to the surface. "Or are you sorry for walking….." She caught herself. "For not giving me the courtesy of telling me?"

"Both," Elliot whispered, tears filling his eyes. "I think I thought if I talked to you about how…"

"You walked away," she finished, arching an eyebrow at him. "'Cause that's what you did, Elliot. I had to find out from Cragen."

"Olivia-"

"And you just….disappeared." She flicked her wrist, mimicking smoke rising from the ashes.

"I know." He hung his head in shame, recognizing the hurt in her voice. "I was afraid….if I heard your voice I wouldn't have been able to leave."

Her breath caught in her throat as her phone went off again. She pulled it out of her pocket and glanced at it. "That's my chief, I gotta go."

"Of course. I should get back to Kathy." Elliot stood up and awkwardly wiped his hands on his pants. He stumbled around her before heading back down the hallway.

"Where is the exit?" Olivia mumbled as she turned around, searching for a glowing exit sign. Her mind was reeling, the room was spinning. It was too much.

We're not who we used to be

We don't see what we used to see

We're just two ghosts swimmin' in a glass half empty

She found her car in the parking lot and pulled out her phone again as she unlocked it. She scrolled through her contacts until she found a specific one and typed out a quick message.

Hey, it's Olivia. I know I've missed my last few appointments but is there any way I can get an emergency one sometime this week? Struggling a lot.

She pressed send and climbed into her car, her phone immediately vibrating with a response in her hand.

Of course. I can squeeze you in Thursday at three or I can stay late Friday and see you at five. Just let me know which one works. - Dr. Lindstrom

She selected her appointment and started the car. The engine roared to life and her stereo filled the space with music. She smiled to herself as a familiar song played, recognizing it as the song that was playing when she got the call the night of her ceremony. She gave the hospital one last glance in her rear view mirror before driving away.

Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

*

It was Friday, five o'clock on the dot. Olivia fidgeted in her seat as she sat in the waiting room of her therapist's office. It had been a long week, an emotionally draining one and she knew she wasn't doing well. It was taking everything in her to hold her composure and keep from crying in the waiting room.

So much had transpired in the last week. So many words still left unsaid, so much ground shaken up. Kathy had passed unexpectedly; grief rearing its ugly head for all of them.

She heard her name be called and stood up. She was led through the door and down the hallway to Dr. Lindstrom's office, making a mental note to thank him for staying late for her that evening.

The door to his office opened and she felt a sense of relief wash over her immediately. She stepped into the room as it closed behind her.

"Thank you," Olivia started, her voice small, "for staying late for this, for me, I uh…I really appreciate it." She clasped her hands together, unsure of what to do but needing to get her nervous energy out.

"Of course." Dr. Lindstrom nodded and motioned to the couch across the room. "Sit and we can begin. How are you?"

She laughed. Three words but it was such a loaded question. She felt a lump in her throat start forming as she sat down, shaking her purse off her shoulder.

"Well," she began, "I've been better."

"I'll admit, I was quite concerned when you messaged me the other day."

She nodded. "Elliot….came back."

"Elliot….Stabler? Your former partner." It wasn't a question, but a declaration of his previous place in her life.

"Yes." Olivia nodded again. "Back to New York."

"Is he staying?"

"I'm not sure. His wife…died. This week. There was a car bombing and she didn't make it. Though I don't know what their original plan was either."

"I'm so sorry to hear that." Dr. Lindstrom scribbled some notes on the legal pad in his lap.

"It's just….been a lot." She frowned, unable to stop the tears that were forming. "Brought up a lot of old feelings and I've just been overwhelmed."

"Are you meditating still?"

"When I have time."

"Good." He wrote out another note before placing the notepad on the table beside him. He turned to her and stared at her directly in the eyes.

"And then," she laughed. "He gave me this letter." She turned to her purse and reached into it, fishing out the letter she'd read a hundred times over. She had it pretty much memorized by now. She handed it to Dr. Lindstrom and watched as his eyes scanned over it, taking it all in.

He sighed and folded the letter back once he was finished, letting its contents settle with him. "Well," he began, "have you two talked about this?" He raised it in the air as he sat on the table next to the couch.

"I tried to but he…." Olivia shook her head. "brushed it off. Brushed me off." She paused and licked her lips. "I just don't know where to go from here. We're not who we used to be."

"Maybe that's a good thing," Dr. Lindstrom mused. "Maybe there's a chance to heal. For the both of you. I think you need to be very clear and direct with him. Tell him how you feel, how you have felt these past ten years. Don't keep it bottled up any longer. Not expressing your feelings only hurts you in the end."

She sat and stared at the wall behind him as his words washed over her.

When Fin called and told me about your award, I was overwhelmed with pride. I always knew you were destined for greatness, for more than just Detective. Part of my reason for leaving was that I was holding you back. We were comfortable. I knew from day one that you were something special, that you were made for SVU. You have a true gift, Olivia, one that is making the world a better place because you're in it. I thank God every day for putting us together as partners all those years ago. Your selflessness, courage, ferocity with perps, and tenderness with victims in turn helped me become a better cop and ultimately, a better man.

You meant the world to me, Liv, and you still do. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I realize I have screwed up a lot in the past and I'm truly sorry. I don't think I can say it enough times to fully express it to you.

You never left me all these years since I've been gone. I saw you everywhere I turned, heard your laughter in every crowd, and danced with you in every dream. Ten years is a hell of a long time to think, but…it really made me think about you. About us.

She clutched the letter as she left the office an hour later, armed with reassurance and breathing techniques to ground herself in a moment of panic. The air was still bitterly cold and she wrapped her jacket around her body as she walked to her car, lost in her thoughts about the last few days. She reached her vehicle and climbed in, starting the engine as she slung her purse into the passenger seat. She tossed the letter - his letter, his declaration - into it.

Olivia laughed as she recognized the song coming through her stereo, the same one that had played the night of her award ceremony.

She backed out of her parking spot and shifted into gear, leaving Dr. Lindstrom's office behind her. She pressed her foot to the gas pedal, knowing the hardest part was just about to begin.

I'm just trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat