[a/n]Don't miss polarbear20000's review which has a nifty little addon to #235. And yes, so few useful adults in canon.
Harry Does Different CDXXXVI
Umbridge Allergy
"That bitch has GOT to go!" the bespectacled Gryffindor stomped into his Common Room snarling.
Knowing their Housemate disliked the Defense Professor, that in fact, few outside Slytherin did, even the others thought this shocking. Virtually all Gryffindor shied away from the outburst, except for the Weasley twins. They took him by an elbow each to a corner "So what did you" "have in mind?" "Oh financier" "extraordinaire." "Mayhem?" "Murder?" "Massacre?"
"Oh honestly, I'm not suggesting death. At least not yet. Let's just say I think Hogwarts would be a better place if Umbridge was no longer in her hallowed halls." Said Harry in a conspiratorial tone. "To …I dunno… how about make everyone allergic to her? I read something once about a Minister dying of an allergy."
The twins eyed each other and nodded "We could brew the Febbre potion."
"You know how I am with Snape, but that's not something that sounds familiar. You two didn't qualify for NEWT Potions." If he was conspiratorial before, this was a calculating look.
Fred didn't give an inch "Is there a question there, Mr. Potter?"
"What does it do?" Harry didn't bother with his observation.
George grinned "Well that potion actually treats allergies. Not terribly difficult to make it CAUSE one."
"I guess you'd need a bit of the thing causing the allergy?" asked Harry as he might query his best friend.
Fred looked pleased "Indeed Mr. Polyjuice. Oh. Right. You wouldn't know what that is. Would you?"
"Me? Never heard of it." Harry deadpanned "If this is going how I think it is, it would work best for the whole school …or as much as we can… to react. You'd have to make sure it wouldn't poison anyone."
Together, they smirked "Not even" "Draco?"
"In this case ESPECIALLY not Malfoy." Replied Harry emphatically "I mean it, guys. If he has an allergy any different than anyone else it'd look suspicious."
Fred pouted "Oh fine. There is the matter of distribution. How do we possibly make sure almost everyone gets dosed?"
"I think I got that." Said Harry after just a little thought. He looked at the ceiling and called "Dobby! I need some help!"
After a puff of smoke and a *pop* the little creature bounced on his toes, ears flopping about "Master Harry Potter calls Dobby! Master Harry Potter calls Dobby! What can Dobby be doing for great and noble Harry Potter!?"
"Good to see you too, Dobby." Replied Harry, trying to gently extricate his legs.
George observed with amusement "Great and noble Harry Potter has a House Elf."
"Whatever would Granger say?" asked Fred, slyly.
The elf tugged at his floppy ears "Mention not She-Who-Leaves-Hats! All Hoggy elveses leave Gryffy Tower to only Dobby!"
"Quiet you two." He glared at the twins irritably "Dobby, you told me Umbridge is making Hogwarts miserable for even your people. If I told you Fred and George here were helping me get rid of her, would you do what they ask?"
Nodding vigorously, Dobby replied "Other elveses cannot say, but we hateses Toady-face. She like old bad master. Just …Dobby not be hurting anyone. Even bad magickies."
"Well I thought about poisoning her." The young wizard whispered, as if confiding a great secret "She really is an evil bi- I mean witch. But no. Actually my friends here were just going to mix up a potion that everyone in the school would drink. It wouldn't hurt anyone. I promise. Really, even we three would be taking it."
After some pained thought, the little magical nodded "Dobby trusts Great and noble Harry Potter. Dobby doooes what Harry Potter's Weezeys say."
"Right useful little chap." Commented George as the elf vanished.
Fred sniggered "Not sure about being a Weezey though."
Abcij
A week of clandestine experiments later and the conspirators' potion was added to everyone's morning pumpkin juice. Nothing especially unusual even happened that morning; Professor Snape sneered at Professor Umbridge a couple times as breakfast ended, but it was known they did not get along. As she stood to dismiss the students to class, Professor McGonagall sneezed a couple times.
Second year DADA was the first sign of a problem. The front row of students had to leave for visits to Madam Pomfrey; some were scratching, others sneezing. It was worse by Harry's class in second period. The professor was walking up and down the aisles, more than one had to vomit. They rushed from the room, Pansy Parkinson Daphne Greengrass and Greg Goyle among them. Draco Malfoy looked ill, but forced himself to not react. Harry did not hold back, he sprayed all over Lavender Brown, who followed suit.
Abcij
"Ahh… Professor Umbridge… do come in please." Dumbledore greeted his Defense teacher "And if it is not too much trouble, please leave the door ajar. A-venti." With a wave of his wand the open windows produced a breeze that directed the air through the office and past the visitor.
The pink-clad witch chose to go on the attack "Headmaster, Mediwitch, I must report serious difficulty with all my classes today. Students have been falsely claiming illness to, I believe …cut… is the vernacular, my class."
"I regret that does not seem to be correct." His face was carefully neutral as he stroked his beard, glancing to the side "Poppy, please explain your findings."
After gagging slightly the school healer nodded "Of course Albus. Professor Umbridge, as a healer, I must sometimes offer my patients bad news. Now, fortunately, whatever is wrong with you does NOT appear to be affecting your health. Although I would like to perform a few diagnostics. May - -"
"If I can first discuss the students." Delores interrupted "Far too many of them came down with sudden and awfully convenient illnesses. Misbehavior of this degree must be sternly disciplined!"
The Mediwitch's tone became icy "My hospital full of patients, a dozen of whom may spend several days there, belies your claim. And there are an additional sixty-one undergoing lesser treatment. Now, as this is a medical matter, of course I am bound to confidentiality. But, for an unknown reason, you are the source of a powerful allergen called Alihotsy. That is causing the troubles your students are having."
"Well then! Correct it!" demanded the professor, in an irritated tone "I have classes to teach."
Albus' eyes were twinkling, he couldn't help it "Regrettably Delores, that is not possible. We have- - "
"What the Headmaster is about to say" Poppy interrupted, the very epitome of tact "is that, and as I said, your life is in no danger I can see, treatment is beyond the capabilities of the school. St Mungo's already has my referral and you will receive the finest treatment possible."
Delores looked fearful "But it is …whatever it is… curable."
"Once they understand the cause …of a certainty." The Mediwitch spoke with professional confidence. Even her long experience and the well ventilated room wasn't enough to prevent a coughing fit. "I do regret it will probably be a lengthy treatment."
At this, the Headmaster looked regretful "I am deeply sorry Delores, but I am certain you understand I could not place our students' education on hold that long. I may be able to revisit the matter once you receive a clean bill of health, but I truly cannot put the welfare of so many children at risk."
"You wouldn't DARE!" she flared.
He leaned forward, magic flaring slightly "I beg your pardon." His tone cold "I will be glad to inform Cornelius that you have fulfilled his promise of affecting the standards of education here. Now, forgive us, but even I am not unaffected. And there is rather a chill this time of the year."
"You have NOT seen the last of ME Dumbledore!" was the last bit of bluster as the door slammed behind her.
In the afterglow of the other witch's departure, Poppy smiled "This takes me back to the days of The Marauders."
"I am sure I have no idea what you are talking about, Madam Mediwitch." Said Dumbledore authoritatively "Now I do believe you have a full hospital to attend to."
At the door, her professional mask slipped back on "Good afternoon."