Chapter Twenty

Jennie

"Are you crying?" Sorn asks without compassion as she comes through the front door. Bobby follows closely behind her, but he pauses the second his eyes meet mine.

I don't know how long I've been sitting motionless on the couch, but it still isn't long enough for reality to have been absorbed just yet. I'm still hoping this is a dream. Or a nightmare. This isn't how things were supposed to turn out.

"Jennie?" Bobby says hesitantly. He knows something is wrong, because I'm sure my swollen, bloodshot eyes clearly give me away.

I attempt to form an answer, but I fail to come up with one. As much a part of this as I am, I still feel that Lisa and Irene's situation isn't mine to be sharing.

Luckily, Bobby doesn't have to ask me what's wrong, because I'm spared by Lisa's presence. She's barging through the front door, taking both Sorn's and Bobby's attention off of me.

She pushes between the two of them and heads straight for her room. She swings open the door, then comes out through the bathroom seconds later. She looks at Bobby and signs something. Bobby shrugs and signs back, but I can't follow their conversation at all.

When Lisa responds again, Bobby looks directly at me. "What does she mean?" Bobby asks me.

I shrug. "I failed to learn sign language between now and the last time we spoke, Bobby. How the hell should I know?"

I don't know where my unwarranted sarcasm is coming from, but I feel Bobby should have anticipated that one.

He shakes his head. "Where's Irene, Jennie?" Bobby points at the counter toward Lisa's computer. "She says Irene had her computer, so she had to come by here after she left the hospital."

I look at Lisa to answer but can't deny the fact that jealousy is coursing through me at watching her reaction when it comes to Irene. "I don't know where she went. All she did was walk in, set your computer down, and grab her things. She's been gone for half an hour."

Bobby is signing everything I'm saying to Lisa. When he finishes, Lisa runs a frustrated hand through her hair, then takes a step toward me. Her eyes are angry and hurt, and she begins signing with forceful movements of her hands. Her obvious anger makes me wince, but her disappointment in me fills me with my own share of anger.

"She wants to know how you could just let her leave," Bobby says.

I immediately stand up and look Lisa directly in the eye. "What did you expect me to do, Lisa? Lock her in the damn closet? You can't be mad at me for this! I'm not the one who failed to delete messages I wouldn't want someone else to read!"

I don't wait for Bobby to finish signing for Lisa. I walk to my bedroom and slam the door behind me, then drop down onto my bed. Moments later, I hear the door to Lisa's bedroom slam shut, too. The sounds don't stop there, though. I hear things crashing against her bedroom walls, one by one, as she takes her frustration out on any inanimate object in her path.

I don't hear the knock through the sounds coming from Lisa's bedroom. My door opens, and Bobby slips inside. He shuts my bedroom door, then leans his back against it. "What happened?" he asks.

I turn my head to face the other direction. I don't want to answer him, and I don't want to look at him, because I know anything I say to him will only cause him to be disappointed in Lisa and me. I don't want him to be disappointed in Lisa.

"Are you okay?" His voice is closer now. He sits down on the bed beside me and places a comforting hand on my back. The reassuring contact from him causes me to break down again as I bury my face in my arms. I feel as though I'm drowning, but I have no fight left to even bother coming up for air.

"You said something about messages to Lisa. Did Irene read something that upset her?"

I turn my head back over and look up at him. "Go ask Lisa, Bobby. It's not my place to tell you Irene's business."

Bobby purses his lips in a tight line, nodding slowly while he thinks. "I kind of think it is your place, though. Isn't it? Does it not have everything to do with you? And I can't ask Lisa. I've never seen her like this before, and frankly, I'm a little terrified of her right now. But I'm worried about Irene, and I need you to tell me what happened so I can figure out if there's anything I can do to help."

I close my eyes, wondering how I can answer Bobby's question with a simplified response. I open my eyes and look at him again. "Don't be angry with her, Bobby. The only thing Lisa has done wrong is fail to delete a few messages."

Bobby tilts his head and narrows his doubtful eyes. "If that's the only thing Lisa did wrong, then why is Irene avoiding her? Are you saying that the messages she read weren't wrong? Whatever has been going on between the two of you isn't wrong?"

I don't like the condescending undertone in his voice. I sit up on the bed and scoot back, putting space between the two of us as I respond. "The fact that Lisa has been honest in her conversations with me is not something she did wrong. The fact that she has feelings for me also isn't wrong, when you know exactly how much she's fought those feelings. People can't control matters of the heart, Bobby. They can only control their actions, which is exactly what Lisa did. She lost control once for ten seconds, but after that, every single time temptation reared its ugly head, she walked in the other direction. The only thing Lisa has done wrong is fail to delete her messages, because by doing so, she failed to protect Irene. She failed to protect her from the harsh truth that people don't get to choose who they fall in love with. They only get to choose who they stay in love with." I look up at the ceiling and blink back tears. "She was choosing to stay in love with her, Bobby. Why can't she see that? This will kill Lisa so much more than it's killing her."

I fall back onto the bed, and Bobby remains beside me, quiet and still. Several long moments pass, and then he stands and slowly makes his way to my bedroom door. "I owe you an apology," he says.

"An apology for what?"

He drops his eyes to the floor and shifts his feet. "I didn't think you were good enough for him, Jennie." He slowly brings his gaze back to mine. "You are. You and Irene both are. This is the first moment since meeting Lisa that I don't envy her."

He leaves the room, somehow having made me feel the tiniest bit better and a whole hell of a lot worse.

I continue to lie still on my bed, listening for the sound of Lisa's anger to return, but it doesn't. It's completely quiet throughout the apartment. The only thing any of us can hear is the lingering shattering of Irene's heart.

I pick up my phone for the first time since I put it on silent and see that I have a missed text from Lisa, sent just a few minutes ago.

Lisa: I changed my mind. I need you to leave today.

Lisa

I pile a few things into a bag, hoping I'll actually need it once I get to her house. I have no idea if Irene will even allow me to step through her front door, but the only thing I can do right now is be optimistic, because the alternative is unacceptable. It just is. I refuse to accept that this is it.

I know she's hurt, and I know she hates me right now, but she has to understand how much she means to me and how my feelings for Jennie were never intentional.

I clench my fists again, wondering why in the hell I ever had those conversations with Jennie in the first place. Or why I failed to delete them. I never thought Irene would be in a position to read them. I guess in a way, I just didn't feel guilty. The way I've felt toward Jennie wasn't something I wanted to happen, but the feelings are there, and refusing to act on them since our initial kiss has taken a hell of a lot of effort. In an oddly sadistic way, I've actually been proud of myself for being able to fight it the way I have.

But Irene won't see that side of it, and I completely understand. I know Irene, and if she read all the messages, she's more upset about the connection I've made with Jennie than she is over the fact that I kissed her. The feelings I have for Jennie aren't something I'm sure I can talk my way out of.

I grab my bag and my phone and head into the kitchen to pack the laptop. When I reach the counter, I notice a piece of paper peeking out from the computer. I find a sticky note stuck to the screen.

Lisa,

It was never my intention to read your personal stuff, but when I opened your laptop, it was all right there in front of me. I read all of it, and I wish I never saw it. Please give me time to process everything before you show up. I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk in a few days.

Irene

A few days?

God, please don't let her be serious. There's no way my heart will survive this for a few days. I'll be lucky if I make it through the end of today knowing how I've made her feel.

I toss my bag back toward my bedroom door since I won't need it for a while. I lean forward in defeat and rest my elbows on the bar, crumpling the note up in my fist. I stare down at the laptop before me.

Piece of shit computer.

Why the hell didn't I have a password on it? Why the hell didn't I take it with me when I left the hospital? Why the hell didn't I delete everything? Why the hell did I even write anything to Jennie in the first place?

I've never hated an inanimate object as much as I hate this computer. I slam the screen shut and bring my fist down on top of it with all my strength. I wish I could hear it crack. I wish I could hear the sound my fist makes each time I bring it down forcefully. I want to hear it crushed beneath my fist the same way my heart feels crushed inside my chest.

I stand up straight and pick the laptop up, then slam it down on the bar. I see Bobby exit his bedroom out of the corner of my eye, but I'm too pissed to care if I'm making too much noise. I continue to pick the laptop up and slam it against the bar over and over, but it doesn't diminish the hatred I feel for it in the least, and it also doesn't do enough damage to the casing. Bobby walks toward the kitchen and heads to a cabinet. He reaches inside and grabs something, then walks over to me. I pause my attack on the computer and look up to see him holding out a hammer. I gladly take it, then step back and bring the hammer down against the laptop with all my might. This time, I can actually see the cracks appear with each hit.

Much better.

I hit it over and over and watch as pieces fly in all directions. I'm also leaving a hefty amount of damage on the bar beneath my mangled computer, but I don't give a shit. Countertops are replaceable. What this computer destroyed of Irene isn't.

When there isn't much left of the computer to destroy, I finally drop the hammer on the bar. I'm out of breath. I turn and slide down to the floor with my back against the cabinets.

Bobby walks around me and sits on the floor in front of me, resting his back against the wall behind him. "Feel better?" he signs.

I shake my head. I don't feel better, I just feel worse. Now I know for a fact that it's not the laptop I'm mad at. It's me. I'm mad at myself.

"Anything I can do to help?"

I ponder his question. The only thing that could help me get Irene back is to prove to her that there's nothing going on between me and Jennie. In order to prove that to her, I need to not have any interaction with Jennie whatsoever. That's kind of hard with her in the very next room.

"Can you help Jennie move?" I sign. "Today?"

Bobby lowers his chin at my request, eyeing me with disappointment. "Today? Her apartment won't be ready for three more days. Besides, she needs furniture, and what we ordered this morning isn't even being delivered until the day she moves in."

I pull my wallet out of my pocket and remove my credit card. "Take her to a hotel, then. I'll pay for her room until her apartment is ready. I need her out in case Irene comes back. She can't be here."

Bobby takes my card and stares at it for several seconds before bringing his eyes back to mine. "This is kind of a shitty move considering this is your fault. Don't expect me to be the one to ask her to leave today. You owe her that much."

I have to admit, Bobby's reaction surprises me. Yesterday he seemed to hate Jennie. Today he's acting as if he's protecting her. "I already told her I need her to leave today. Do me a favor, and make sure she gets moved in okay this week. Get her anything she needs. Groceries, extra furniture, whatever."

I'm beginning to stand up when the door to Jennie's room opens. She's walking out backward, pulling both of her suitcases. Bobby scrambles to his feet next to me, and as soon as she turns around and her eyes lock with mine, she freezes.

The guilt over what I'm having her do hits me when I see the tears in her eyes. She doesn't deserve this. She hasn't done anything to deserve all that I've put her through. The way it makes me feel to know I've hurt her is exactly why I need her to leave, because I shouldn't care this much.

But I do. God, I care about her so much.

I break eye contact with her and look back to Bobby. "Thank you for helping her," I sign. I head back to my room, not wanting to watch Jennie walk out the front door. I can't imagine losing both her and Irene in the course of a few hours, but it's actually happening.

Bobby grabs my arm as I pass him, forcing me to turn and look at him. "You aren't even going to tell her good-bye?" he signs.

"I can't tell her good-bye when I don't really want her to leave." I continue toward my room, thankful that I can't hear the sound of the front door closing behind her when she leaves. I don't know if I could take it.

I pick up my phone and lie down on my bed. I pull up Irene's number and send her a text.

Me: I'll give you however much time you need. I love you more than you even realize. I'm not going to deny anything I said to Jennie, because it was all true, especially the parts about you and how much I love you. I know you're hurt, and I know I betrayed you, but please. You have to know how much I've fought for you. Please don't end us like this.

I hit the send button and pull the phone to my chest.

Then I fucking cry.