Chapter 1
Jennie
As soon as I open my eyes, I immediately roll over to find the other side of my bed empty. I grab the pillow Lisa slept on and pull it to me. It still smells like her.
It wasn't a dream. Thank God.
I still can't wrap my head around last night. The concert she orchestrated with Bambam and Bobby. The songs she wrote for me. That we were finally able to tell each other how we really felt without guilt being attached to those feelings.
Maybe that's where this new sense of peace comes from—the absence of all the guilt I've always felt in her presence. It was hard falling in love with someone who was committed to someone else. It was even harder trying to prevent it from happening.
I roll out of bed and scan the room. Lisa's shirt is next to mine on the floor, so that means she's still here. I'm a little nervous to walk out of my bedroom and see her. I don't know why. Maybe because she's mine now and I've barely had twelve hours to adjust to it all. It's so…official. I have no idea what it will be like. What our lives together will be like. But it's an excited nervous.
I reach down and grab her T-shirt, then pull it over my head. I make a detour to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I debate fixing my hair before I walk into the living room, but Lisa has seen me in worse conditions than the present one. We used to be roommates. She's seen me in way worse conditions.
When I open the door to the living room, she's there, seated at the table with a notebook and my laptop. I lean against the doorframe and watch her for a while. I'm not sure how she feels about it, but I love that I can watch her unabashedly without her hearing me enter the room.
She pulls a frustrated hand through her hair at one point, and I can tell by the stiffness of her shoulders that she's stressed. Work stuff, I assume.
She eventually catches sight of me, and that seeing me in the doorway seems to ease her stress completely erases all my nervous energy. She stares for a moment and then drops her pen on the notepad. She smiles and scoots her chair back to stand, then makes her way across the living room. When she reaches me, she grabs me and pulls me against her, pressing her lips against the side of my head.
"Good morning," she says, pulling back.
I will never grow tired of hearing her speak. I smile at her and sign, "Good morning."
She looks at my hands and then back at me. "That is so damn sexy."
I grin. "You speaking is so damn sexy."
She kisses me, then pulls away and heads to the table. She grabs her phone and texts me.
Lisa: I have a ton of work to catch up on today and I really need my own laptop. I'm going to head back to my apartment so you can get ready for work. Want me to come over tonight?
Jennie: I drive by your place on my way home from work. I'll just stop by on my way home.
Lisa nods and picks up the notebook she was writing in. She closes my laptop and walks back to me. She wraps her arm around my waist and pulls me against her, pressing her mouth to mine. I kiss her back and we don't stop, even when I hear her toss the notebook on the bar. She lifts me up with both arms, and a few seconds later, we're across the living room and she's lowering me onto the couch, and then she's on top of me and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get fired this week. There's no way I can tell her I'm already late for work when I'd rather be fired than have to stop kissing her.
I'm being dramatic. I don't want to get fired. But I've waited so long for this and don't want her to leave. I start counting to ten, promising myself that I'll stop kissing her and get ready for work when I reach ten. But I make it all the way to twenty-five before I finally press against her chest.
She pulls back, smiling down at me. "I know," she says. "Work."
I nod and do my best to sign what I'm saying. I know I'm not getting it all right, but I spell out the words I don't know yet. "You should have chosen this coming weekend to sweep me off my feet rather than a work night."
Lisa smiles. "I couldn't wait that long." She kisses my neck and then starts to roll off me so I can get up, but she pauses and stares at me appreciatively for a moment.
"Jen," she says. "Do you…feel…" She pauses, then pulls out her cell phone. We still have a huge communication barrier in that she doesn't feel completely comfortable speaking full conversations out loud yet, and I don't know enough sign language to hold a full conversation at a decent pace. I'm sure until we both get better, texting will remain our primary form of communication. I watch her text for a moment, and then my phone pings.
Lisa: How do you feel now that we're finally together?
Jennie: Incredible. How do you feel?
Lisa: Incredible. And…free? Is that the word I'm looking for?
I'm still reading and rereading her text when she immediately begins typing out another one. She's shaking her head, like she doesn't want me to take her previous text the wrong way.
Lisa: I don't mean free in the sense that we weren't free before we reunited last night. Or that I felt tied down when I was with Irene. It's just…
She pauses for a moment, but I respond to her before she replies because I'm pretty sure I know what she's trying to say.
Jennie: You've been living a life for others since you were a kid. And choosing to be with me was kind of a selfish choice. You never do things for yourself. Sometimes putting yourself first can feel freeing.
She reads my text, and as soon as her eyes flick to mine, I can see we're on the same page.
Lisa: Exactly. Being with you is the first decision I've made simply because I wanted it for myself. I don't know, I guess I feel like I shouldn't feel this good about it. But I do. This feels good.
Even though she's saying all of this like she's relieved she finally made a selfish choice, there's still a wrinkle between her furrowed brows like her feelings are also accompanied by guilt. I reach my hand up and smooth it out, then cup her face. "Don't feel guilty. Everyone wants you to be happy, Lisa. Especially Irene."
She nods a little, then kisses the inside of my palm. "I love you."
She said those words numerous times last night, but hearing them again this morning still feels like she's saying them for the first time. I smile and pull my hand from her so I can sign, "I love you, too."
This all feels so surreal—her actually being here with me after so many months of wishing it could be this way. And she's right. It felt so stifling being apart from her, yet feels liberating now that she's here. And I know she isn't saying all of what she just said because she felt like her life with Irene was in any way something she didn't want. She loved her. Loves her. What she's feeling is the result of spending an entire life making decisions that were in the best interest of others and not herself. And I don't think she regrets any of it. It's just who she is. And even though I was a selfish decision she finally made for herself, I know she's still the same selfless person she's always been, so there's going to be some residual guilt there. But people need to put themselves first sometimes. If you aren't living your best life for yourself, you can't be your best self for those in your life.
"What are you thinking?" she asks, brushing my hair back.
I shake my head. "Nothing. Just…" I don't know how to sign what I want to say, so I grab my phone again.
Jennie: This all feels surreal. I'm still trying to soak it all in. Last night was completely unexpected. I was starting to convince myself that you were getting to a point where you didn't think we could be together.
Lisa's eyes shoot to mine and she laughs a little, like my text was completely absurd. Then she leans forward and gives me the softest, sweetest kiss before replying.
Lisa: I haven't been able to sleep for three months. Bobby forced me to eat because I was anxious all the time. I've thought about you every minute of every day, but I kept my distance because you said we needed time apart. And even though it killed me, I knew you were right. Since I couldn't be with you, I forced myself to write music about you.
Jennie: Are there any songs I haven't heard yet?
Lisa: I played all my new songs for you last night. But I've been working on one. I've been stuck because the lyrics didn't feel quite right. But last night after you fell asleep, the lyrics started flowing like water. I wrote them down and sent them to Bambam as soon as I got them down on paper.
She wrote an entire song after I fell asleep last night? I narrow my eyes at her and then reply.
Jennie: Have you even slept yet?
She shrugs. "I'll nap later," she says, brushing her thumb over my bottom lip. "Keep an eye on your email today," she says as she leans in for another kiss.
I love it when Bambam makes rough cuts of the songs Lisa writes. I don't think I'll ever get tired of dating a musician.
Lisa rolls off the couch and then pulls me up with her. "I'll leave so you can get ready for work."
I nod and kiss her goodbye, but when I try to walk to my bedroom, she doesn't release her grip on my hand. I turn around and she's looking at me expectantly.
"What?"
She points to the shirt I have on. Her shirt. "I need that."
I look at her T-shirt and laugh. Then I pull the shirt off—slowly—and hand it to her. She's eyeing me up and down as she takes her shirt and pulls it over her head. "What time did you say you're coming over tonight?" She's still staring at my chest when she asks this question, completely unable to look me in the eyes.
I laugh and push her toward the door. She opens it and slips out of my apartment, but not before stealing another quick kiss. I close the door behind her and realize for the first time since the day I moved out of my old apartment, I finally feel like I'm no longer resentful for the turmoil Kai and Krystal caused.
I am absolutely, without a doubt, so grateful for Kai and Krystal. I would live through the Krystal/Kai heartache a million times over if Lisa was always my final result.
•••
A few hours later, I get an email from Bambam. I duck into a bathroom stall at work with my headphones and click on the email with the subject line, "Set Me Free." I lean against the wall, press play on my phone, and close my eyes.
"Set Me Free"
I've been running 'round
I've been laying down
I've been underground with the devil
You've been saving me like a ship at sea
Saying follow me to the light now
So here we go
A little more
Something I've been waiting for
Here we go
A little more
You set me free
Shook the dust right off me
Locked up tight you found the key
And now I see
Ain't no place I'd rather be
I got you and you got me
You set me free
Hard to know the cost of it
But when you've lost something
Then you know there's a price tag
Think you might have been born to
Be my come through when
I can't keep it all together
So here we go
A little more
Something I've been waiting for
Here we go
A little more
You set me free
Shook the dust right off me
Locked up tight you found the key
And now I see
Ain't no place I'd rather be
I got you and you got me
You set me free
I was sitting low
I didn't know where I could go
Thought the bottom was the ceiling
No remedy to heal it
A Hail Mary to a sin
A new start to an end
You set me free
Shook the dust right off me
Locked up tight you found the key
And now I see
Ain't no place I'd rather be
I got you and you got me
You set me free
I stand completely silent after the song ends. There are tears running down my cheeks, and it isn't even a sad song. But the meaning behind the lyrics Lisa wrote after falling asleep next to me last night mean more to me than any other lyrics she's ever written. And even though I understood what she was saying this morning when she said she feels free for the first time, I didn't realize just how much I identified with what she was feeling.
You set me free, too, Lisa.
I pull the headphones out of my ears, even though I want to put the song on repeat and listen to it for the rest of the day. On my way out of the bathroom, I catch myself singing the song out loud in the empty hallway with a ridiculous smile on my face.
"Ain't no place I'd rather be. I got you and you got me…"