Chapter 14
Irene
I sit down on the couch after Bobby closes the door. I stare at the floor.
I bury my face in my hands.
What is wrong with me?
I pushed Jackson away. I pushed Lisa away. I even told Bobby to get the hell out of my house when he stayed back and tried to get me to tell him why I was acting the way I was.
I don't know what's gotten into me this week. This isn't me. I, honest to God, don't want to be in a relationship with Lisa, but when I woke up this morning and saw her asleep next to me, it felt good to have her back. I've missed her. But not in a romantic way. I've just missed her company. And I started wondering if she missed my company, or if Jennie is all she needs now. Then I started feeling insecure again because she was here, even though she expressed just how much she didn't want to be here. And as I laid there and stared at her, I started thinking about the day I found all the messages between her and Jennie and I got angry all over again.
I shouldn't have posted the picture. I know that. But I think I did it because I thought it would make me feel better in some twisted way. I missed her, I was angry at her, I was angry at myself. I feel like years of just trying to live despite this illness is catching up to me. Because Lisa is right. I don't take care of myself like I should, but it's because I'm sick of this illness, and sometimes I don't care if it wins. I really don't.
I pull out my phone and delete the picture; then I open a text to Lisa.
Irene: It's been the shittiest week of my life and I took it out on you and I'm sorry. Tell Jennie I am so sorry. I deleted the picture.
I hit send and then power off my phone and lie down. I press my face into the couch and I cry.
The problem with hating yourself when you're all alone is that you have no one to remind you of any of your good qualities. Then you just hate yourself even more, until you sabotage anything good in your life and in yourself.
I'm at that point.
Irene Bae. Not so much of a badass today.