Chapter 20

Jennie

I'm sitting in the passenger seat of Lisa's car, staring out the window. My right hand is touching my chest, lightly fingering the word she wrote over my heart Tuesday night. Mine. It's faded now because it's been four days since she wrote it, but luckily it was a permanent marker, and I've avoided scrubbing it off in the shower.

When she left the library Tuesday night, I immediately had to sit down. She had left me so breathless, I almost felt faint. She wasn't even there five minutes, and it was the most intense five minutes of my life. So much so, I convinced my coworker to stay for the rest of my shift, and then I drove straight to Lisa's apartment to finish what she started. Those five intense minutes in the library became two intense hours in her bed.

Since then, we've spent three of the last four nights together.

She told me all about her conversation with Irene. I hate that her grandfather passed away just hours after I left her apartment on Sunday. But knowing she was dealing with all of that, yet still made the time to stop by Lisa's and apologize to her, made me appreciate her effort even more. And it really did make a huge difference in Lisa. It's like a heavy weight was lifted after their talk on Tuesday. The last four days with her have been the best four days I've spent with her since the day we met.

In the beginning of getting to know her, every conversation we had was encased by guilt because of Irene. Then, after her and Irene's fight last week, every conversation we had was laced with worry because of Irene. But since Tuesday, every time we're alone, it finally feels like we're actually alone. Somehow, merging Irene more into our lives seems to have removed her even more from our relationship. It shouldn't make sense, but it does. Putting more focus on their friendship than on the fact that she's her ex-girlfriend will be better for our relationship in the long run.

Hopefully, Sorn will be able to realize that soon. Because right now, she's not happy. Bobby and Sorn are in the back seat. Lisa is driving. Sorn hasn't said a single word on the way to Irene's house, because she and Bobby got into a fight right before we left. She demanded she come with him, but he told her he didn't want her there because she doesn't know how to be nice to Irene. That pissed her off. They went to their room and fought while Lisa and I sat on the couch and waited.

Actually, we sat on the couch and made out, so we didn't really care how long their fight lasted. But it still hasn't ended because we're pulling into Irene's driveway, and the only words Sorn has spoken between Austin and this driveway are, "I have to pee." She says it as she gets out of the car and slams her door.

Sorn isn't the most reasonable person. But I'm growing to really like her and even understand her. She wears her emotions on her sleeve. But she has a lot of emotions, so it's more like she wears her emotions on several long-sleeved shirts, layered on top of each other.

No one has to knock on the door, because Irene opens it as we're walking up the driveway. Bobby walks in first and gives her a hug. Sorn passes right by her, but Lisa gives her a quick hug. I do, too, simply because I'd rather start this off with a good sentiment.

"Smells good," Lisa signs as she tosses her keys on the counter.

"Lasagna," Irene says. "I'm reading this book where the characters make lasagna anytime they need to talk through something. Thought it was fitting for tonight." Irene looks at me as she walks into her kitchen. "Do you like to read, Jennie?"

"Love to read," I say, taking off my cardigan. I set it over the back of one of the chairs. "I just don't have a lot of time. Which is sad, considering I work in a library."

Sorn walks to the bathroom, and Bobby tosses himself dramatically on the couch, face down into a throw pillow. "Kill me now," he mutters.

"Trouble in paradise?" Irene says.

Bobby lifts his head and looks at her. "Paradise? When have Sorn and I ever lived in paradise?"

"Trouble in Sheol?" Irene corrects.

Bobby sits up on the couch. "I don't even know what that means."

"It's another word for Hell."

"Oh," Bobby says. "You know not to use big words around me."

"It's only five letters long."

I'm watching them converse, my attention going back and forth between them. I finally focus on Lisa, who is standing in front of me now. "You thirsty?" she asks.

I nod. She walks to the kitchen and opens a cabinet, then begins making us both something to drink. It's odd, watching her move her way around the kitchen like it's her kitchen. It makes me realize that in a way, it used to be. There's no telling how much time she spent here at Irene's house. I guess this is one of those fairly awkward moments I'm going to have to get used to. Lisa brings me a glass of water, and then she takes a seat on the couch next to Bobby.

I walk into the kitchen.

"You need any help?" I ask Irene.

She shakes her head and opens the refrigerator, placing a salad inside. "No, thanks. Everything is finished except the lasagna." She looks at Lisa and Bobby. "You guys ready to sit at the table and do this before we eat?"

Bobby slaps his jeans. "Ready," he says, hopping up.

The four of us make our way to the kitchen table just as Sorn walks out of the bathroom. Irene is at the head of the table. I'm sitting next to Lisa, and Bobby is seated next to an empty chair, but Sorn chooses to claim the chair at the opposite head of the table so that there's an empty seat between Bobby and her. He shakes his head, ignoring her.

Irene opens up a folder and then sits up straight and signs everything she begins to speak. I like watching her sign. I don't know why, but I find it a little easier to follow her than Lisa or Bobby. Maybe because her hands are more delicate, but it seems like she signs a little slower and—if this even makes sense—with more enunciation.

She looks at all of us. "Thank you for agreeing to this." She directs her attention at me. "And thank you," she says, without being specific. I nod, but really, it's Bobby she should be thanking. He's the one who gave me the kick in the rear I needed to finally make a forward move with Irene.

"I've made a couple of decisions that I want to talk about first, because they affect the next year of my life. And subsequently, yours." She nods her head toward her hallway. We all look at the hallway, and for the first time, I notice moving boxes. "My internship is over, and so is my thesis, so I've decided to move back to Austin. My landlord informed me on Wednesday that she was able to rent the house to someone else, so I have to be out by the end of the month."

I take her pause as an opportunity to interrupt with a question. "Isn't your doctor here in San Antonio?"

Irene shakes her head. "She has a satellite office here one day a week. But she's based out of Austin, so it'll actually be easier for me."

"Have you found an apartment yet?" Bobby asks. "The end of the month is just a few days away."

Irene nods again. "I have, but it won't be ready until April fifth. The tenants just moved out, and they have to carpet and repaint."

"Is it the same complex as last time?" Bobby asks.

Irene's eyes flicker from Bobby to Lisa. There's something unspoken there, even though she's shaking her head, giving them an answer. "They didn't have anything available. This one is in North Austin."

Bobby leans forward and gives her a look that I don't understand. Lisa sighs heavily. I feel lost.

"What?" I ask. "What's wrong with North Austin?"

Irene looks at me. "It's pretty far from you guys. Lisa and I… Back when I had my apartment in Austin…we both chose complexes that were close to the hospital and my doctor. It made things easier."

"Have you checked our complex?" Bobby asks. "I know there are units available."

Sorn makes a noise of protest. She clears her throat and then plops her purse down on the table. She pulls out a nail file, leans back in her chair, and starts filing her fingernails.

I look back at Irene, and she's looking at me. She shakes her head and says, "No, but North Austin should be fine. I've been here in San Antonio for a year now, and everything has been fine."

"I wouldn't say fine," Bobby says.

"You know what I mean, Bobby. I haven't had an emergency to the point that I would have died without you guys here. I think I'll be fine if I'm only on the other side of town."

Lisa shakes his head. "You would have died in my bathroom if Jennie hadn't found you. Just because you've been lucky doesn't mean it's been a smart move."

"Agreed," Bobby says. "You live north of San Antonio. We live in South Austin. It takes forty-five minutes from our driveway to yours. But if you move to North Austin, with traffic, it'll take more than an hour to get to you. You might be moving to the same city, but it'll take us even more time to get to you."

Irene sighs. She looks down and lowers her voice a little. "I can't afford anything else right now. The only apartments near the hospital with any availability are too expensive for me."

"Why don't you get a job?" Sorn asks.

We all turn our attention toward Sorn. I don't think anyone was expecting anything to come out of her mouth. She's holding the nail file against her thumbnail, staring at Irene.

"It's hard to hold a job when you're in the hospital on a regular basis," Irene says. "I had to apply for disability three years ago just to be able to pay my rent." She's being a little defensive, but I get it. Sorn doesn't seem to sugarcoat her questions around Irene at all. Or anyone, for that matter.

Sorn shrugs and goes back to filing her nails.

"Like I asked earlier, have you even checked availability in our complex?" Bobby asks.

Again, Irene's attention is on me when this is brought up. I glance at Lisa, and she looks at me. We read each other without saying a word.

I nod, even though it seems absurd if I give it too much thought. But for whatever reason, it doesn't feel absurd. Having her in the same complex as Lisa and Bobby would make things easier on all of them. And I truly don't believe Lisa or Irene want to go down a road they've already traveled, so I surprisingly don't feel at all threatened by the thought of it. Maybe I'm being naïve, but I have to go with my gut. And my gut is telling me that she needs to be closer to them rather than farther away.

"I don't mind if you live in the same complex as Lisa, if that's what's stopping you," I say. "My ex-boyfriend moved into the complex with my ex-best friend after I moved in with Lisa and Bobby last year. We can see right into their living room from Lisa's balcony. Believe me, nothing can feel weirder than that."

Irene smiles appreciatively at me and then looks toward Sorn across the table. Lisa puts her arm on the back of my chair and then leans over, quickly kissing the side of my head. I love her silent thank-yous.

Sorn looks up, directly at Irene. She doesn't look happy. She turns her attention toward Bobby and leans forward. "Shit, Bobby, why don't you just move her into one of the spare bedrooms? We can be one big happy family."

Bobby rolls his eyes. "Sorn, stop."

"No. Think about it. I moved in and you started sleeping with me. Jennie moved in and Lisa started messing around with her. It's only fair that Irene gets a turn."

I close my eyes and drop my head, shaking it. Why did Sorn have to go there? I glance at Irene, and she's shooting daggers at Sorn.

"I think you forget that I've already been with them both, Sorn. I actually don't need a turn, but thank you for being considerate."

"Oh, fuck off," Sorn says.

And…this just went from bad to worse. I don't even think Lisa knows what just happened. As soon as that sentence comes out of Sorn's mouth, Irene calmly scoots her chair back and stands up. She walks to her bedroom and closes the door. They both just took this way, way too far. My head is in my hands now, and all I can say is, "Sorn. Why?"

Sorn looks at me like I've betrayed her. She waves a hand toward Irene's bedroom. "How can you be okay with this? She's ungrateful and always has been, and now she's moving herself into our complex and twisted it to make it look like your idea!"

For a second, I entertain her thoughts. But only for a second. After two seconds, I stand up and make my way to Irene's bedroom. I honestly think Sorn has her pegged wrong. I don't see Lisa loving someone who is that ungrateful and manipulative. I just don't.

I push open Irene's bedroom door, and she's sitting cross-legged on her bed, wiping away a tear. I sit down on the bed next to her. Irene lifts her head, looking at me with eyes full of guilt.

"I'm sorry. That was tacky. But Sorn is wrong, I'm not trying to take over either of your lives," she whispers. I can tell by her voice that she's on the verge of more tears. "If it were up to me, I'd be so far out from under their thumbs, it would take hours for them to drive to me. But I'm trying to be more cooperative, Jennie. I'm trying to be more respectful of their time."

That I believe. I think Irene would much rather live in a place where she could get away with being lax. "I believe you. And I agree," I say. "We're here because Bobby and Lisa are going to be your primary caregivers when you're sick. I think we need to leave Sorn's feelings out of it. And mine. And honestly, even yours. This is about how we can make things easier on Bobby and Lisa, and you living in the same complex as them will definitely make things easier on them."

Irene nods. "I know. But I don't want to cause trouble between Bobby and Sorn. I think it should ultimately be yours and Sorn's decision, but I don't think she'll ever agree to it. I honestly don't blame her."

She's right. It should be something we all agree to. I turn my head toward the door and yell, "Sorn!"

I hear a chair scoot across the floor, followed by dramatic stomps heading in the direction of Irene's bedroom. Sorn finally opens the door, but she leans against the doorframe and folds her arms across her chest.

I pat the bed. "Come here, Sorn."

"I'm fine right here."

I look at her like I would look at an ornery child. "Get your ass over here right now."

Sorn stomps to the bed and throws herself across the foot of it. She's being just as dramatic as Bobby was being when he threw himself on Irene's couch earlier. Their intense similarities make me want to laugh. Sorn stares at me and avoids eye contact with Irene.

I lean back against the headboard and tilt my head as I look at her. "What are you feeling, Sorn?"

She rolls her eyes and lifts up onto her elbow. "Well, Dr. Kim," she says sarcastically, "I feel like the ex-girlfriend is about to move into the same apartment complex as us, and I don't like it."

"You think I do?" Irene says.

Sorn looks at her. There is absolutely no love between the two of them. At all.

"How long have you two known each other?" I ask.

"She moved in with Lisa and Bobby a few months before you did," Irene says, talking about her like she's not on the same bed. "And I tried being nice to her at first, but you know how that goes."

"I think the three of us just need to get drunk together," I suggest. It worked for Sorn and me. Maybe it could work for Sorn and Irene.

Irene looks at me like I've lost my mind. "That sounds like an absolute nightmare."

Sorn nods in agreement. "Alcohol can't erase years of history between her and Bobby."

Irene laughs, addressing Sorn directly now. "Do you really think there's a chance in Hell I would ever be romantically interested in Bobby again? That's absurd."

Sorn rolls onto her back and looks up at the ceiling. "I'm not worried about you falling for him. I'm worried about him falling for you. You're really pretty, and Bobby is shallow."

Irene and I both look at each other. Then we both start laughing. I shake my head, completely taken aback by Sorn's insecurity. "Do you not realize what a knockout you are? Bobby could be as shallow as a desert and he'd still be head over heels for you."

"I don't really want to compliment you because you're mean to me," Irene says to Sorn. "But Jennie is right. Have you seen your ass? It looks like two Pringles hugging."

What the hell does that even mean? Irene's comment makes Sorn laugh, even though she tries to hide it.

"You work at Hooters, for Christ's sake," Irene adds. "If I showed up at Hooters, they'd turn me away, thinking I was a twelve-year-old boy."

Sorn turns her head toward Irene. "Go on…" she says, urging us to continue with the compliments.

I roll my eyes and stretch my legs out, kicking her playfully in the thigh. "Bobby loves you. Get over your weird insecurities. You're lucky you have a man who has a heart big enough to want to care for one of his best friends."

Irene nods. "It's true. He's a good guy. A really shallow, somewhat conceited, extremely perverted good guy."

Sorn groans and then sits up on the bed. She looks at me, and then she looks at Irene. She doesn't say it's okay for Irene to move into the same complex, but she also isn't protesting anymore, so I'll take this as a victory. She stands up and walks toward the door, but pauses in front of Irene's floor-length mirror. She turns around and looks at herself over her shoulder, cupping her butt with both hands. "You really think it looks like two Pringles hugging?"

Irene reaches behind her and grabs a pillow, then throws it at Sorn. Sorn pats her own ass and then leaves the bedroom.

Irene falls onto her bed and groans into her mattress, then sits back up and looks at me, her head tilted to the side. "Thank you. I've never known how to deal with her. She terrifies me."

I nod. "Me, too."

Sorn and I may get along now, but I'm still scared to death of her wrath.

Irene slides off the bed and walks back toward the living room. I follow her. Once we're all seated back at the table, she pulls her notebook in front of her. I look at Lisa, and she smiles at me. "I love you," she mouths.

She says it all the time to me, so I don't know why it makes me blush this time.

"They have two available units," Bobby says, sliding his phone toward Irene. "One up, one down. The one downstairs is at the other end of the complex, but I think you should be downstairs."

Irene looks at his phone. "It says it isn't available until the 3rd. I can call in the morning and reserve it, then just get a hotel for a few days between apartments."

"That's just a waste of money," Sorn says. "It's only a few days. Just stay in my old bedroom. Or Bambam's. They're both empty." She's filing her nails again, but the words that just came out of her mouth are monumental. It's the closest she could come to an apology without actually saying to Irene, "I was rude. I'm sorry."

Lisa looks at me and squeezes my hand under the table, then texts me.

Lisa: I'll stay at your place while she's at ours, if it's okay.

I nod. I would probably have made her, even if she hadn't suggested it.

I don't even know that I could disagree with her staying there for a few days at this point because everything going on with the people at this table has long since passed the definition of normal. Bobby once said to me, "Welcome to the weirdest place you'll ever live."

I get it now. I don't even live with them anymore, but that apartment and the rotating door attached to it defy every boundary ever put into place.

Bobby scoots his chair back and stands up, then claims the empty chair next to Sorn. He reaches over and grabs her nail file, then tosses it into the living room. He pulls her chair closer to his and he kisses her.

And Sorn actually lets him for a good five seconds. It's both adorable and highly uncomfortable.

Irene rolls her eyes and then pushes her folder in front of Lisa. "I've made a list of compromises. There are things I still want to do that I'm going to need you to be okay with. And in return, I promise I'm going to take better care of myself. But you can't be bossy with me until you've given me a little time to adjust. I'm a hot mess, and it's going to take some time to improve that part of my personality."

Lisa looks over the list for a moment, but looks up at her and signs something I don't recognize. Irene nods. "Yes. I'm going bungee jumping and you can't tell me no. We're compromising."

Lisa sighs and then pushes the list back in front of Irene. "Fine. But you're joining a support group."

Irene laughs, but Lisa doesn't.

"That's not a compromise," Irene says. "That's torture."

Lisa shrugs. "We're compromising," she says. "If you hate it, you can stop. But I think it'll be good for you. I don't think any of us truly knows what you're going through, and I think it'll be good for you to talk with people who do."

Irene groans and drops her head on the table, hitting it three times against the wood. She scoots back from her chair and looks at me. "You're going with me," she says, walking toward the kitchen.

"To your support group?" I ask, confused. I don't know why I'm suddenly being tortured in this compromise.

"Nope," Irene says. "Not to support group. CF support groups are only online. You're going bungee jumping with me."

Bungee jumping. Hmm. My girlfriend's ex-girlfriend wants me to jump off a bridge. Kind of ironic when you think about it. I look over at Lisa and grin. I've always wanted to bungee jump. She just shakes her head and smiles back at me, like she was just defeated.

"I've always wondered something," Sorn says, looking across the room at Irene. Bobby is in the living room retrieving Sorn's nail file. "Why don't you just get a lung transplant? Won't that cure the disease?"

I've wondered that, too, but haven't brought it up to Lisa yet.

"It's not that easy," Bobby says, handing Sorn the nail file. "Cystic Fibrosis doesn't just affect the lungs, so new lungs won't cure someone of the disease completely."

"Also, I'm not in that predicament yet," Irene says. "In order to get new lungs, you have to have a really grim prognosis, but without being too sick to receive a lung transplant. Luckily, I'm too healthy to be a candidate right now. It's a tricky position to be in. New lungs would be nice, but I don't really want to be in the position to be a candidate because it means my health would have to decline first. And a transplant could prolong someone's life by a few years, but it could also cut it short. Way short. Not something I'm hoping for anytime soon, to be honest."

"New advancements happen every day, though," Bobby adds. "Which is why we're really only discussing the near future tonight, not a long-term plan. If we try to plan too far ahead, it might discourage other possibilities. Irene doesn't want to hinder our lives, and we don't want to hinder hers, so right now, the best scenario is to just tackle things a few months at a time with the tools we have to tackle them."

Lisa nods, but then responds to Bobby. "Sometimes I feel like your brain is on a power reserve. It's off most of the time, but the few times you do turn it on, it's at high power."

Bobby smiles at her. "Why, thank you, Lisa."

Irene laughs. "I'm not sure that was a compliment, Bobby."

"Sure it was," Bobby says.

I think it was both an insult and a compliment, which makes me laugh.

We spend the next half hour eating the lasagna Irene prepared and working out more compromises. Sorn doesn't say much, but she's also not rude at all, which is a huge improvement from when we walked through the front door.

After we tell Irene goodnight, Lisa grabs my hand and leads me to the back seat of the car. She forces Bobby to drive home since she drove here, which is fine with me because I really want to share the back seat with Lisa on the ride home.

She reaches across the seat and slides her fingers through mine as we're pulling out of Irene's driveway. She pulls out her phone and texts me one-handed.

Lisa: You're like the Sorn whisperer. I don't know how you do it.

Jennie: She's not that bad. I think she's always so defensive because no one has ever really made any effort to break through that defensiveness.

Lisa: Exactly. It says something that you made the effort.

Jennie: So did Bobby.

Lisa: Only because he wanted to sleep with her. I don't think he ever expected to fall in love with her. That was a surprise to everyone. Especially him.

Jennie: You have unique friends. I like them.

Lisa: They're your friends now, too.

She squeezes my hand after I read her text. Then she reaches over and unbuckles my seatbelt, pulling me closer to her. Once I'm in the middle of the backseat, she refastens the middle seatbelt around me, pulling me against her. "Better," she says, wrapping her arm around me.

Her thumb is grazing my shoulder, but her hand eventually makes its way down, just far enough so that she can trace the faded letters she wrote over my heart. She presses her mouth against my ear. "Mine," she says quietly.

I smile and place my hand over her heart. "Mine," I whisper.

Lisa presses her mouth to mine, and I smile through the whole kiss. I can't help it. When she pulls back, she leans against the door, pulling me even closer. I lift my legs onto the seat and curl them under me as I snuggle against her.

This feels right. Finally. It used to feel so wrong, but nothing about us feels wrong anymore. I owe a lot of that to Irene's willingness to forgive and move forward and even accept me into her life after everything that happened.

So much has changed in the past year. The day I turned twenty-two, I thought it was going to be the worst year of my life. But little did I know, a girl on a balcony with her guitar would change all of that.

Now I'm here in her arms, unable and unwilling to wipe the smile off my face because her heart is mine.

MINE.