Hold on to this lullaby16-20
Chapter 16
CW: Recreational drug use (weed). Mention of period typical homophobia. Nothing violent, but as a queer person I'd feel remiss if this aspect of their life wasn't brought up to some degree.
Only one update this week, dear readers. My mental health was not having it.
As you've probably guessed, this fic is going to be longer than the original 25,000 words I estimated. It will probably be closer to the 35,000 word range. I don't think anyone will be too upset about that, though, haha.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Harry was getting older. He was becoming more independent, choosing to play pretend out in the garden with his friends, both muggle and magical rather than relying on Remus and Sirius for everything. The muggle neighbors had a little girl, Ruby, who was over fairly often to play games of witches and wizards and magic. Ruby, of course, was entirely unaware that the pretending in that regard wasn't quite as far-fetched as she thought. They would have to give Harry a far more serious talk about the Statute of Secrecy soon, but for now the playful imaginings of children did no harm.
He was also out of the house more now, too, attending a muggle primary school in the village. Remus felt it was important for him to have at least a minimal knowledge base outside of the wizarding world and Sirius was fascinated by hearing Harry explain muggle science to him. The overly simplified version of the water cycle was of particular interest to Sirius, who had never given it much real thought and who had entirely no education outside of the wizarding world.
Harry and Neville were in the same class together and Remus would often pick them up from school so that Neville could spend the afternoons at their house until his parents got off work at the Ministry. The Longbottom boy was confident in that way that children who were entirely cherished and encouraged often were. His affinity for sweets rivaled Remus' own and he could often be found handing handfuls of candy wrappers to his mother who would laugh adoringly and slip them into her pocket.
It made Remus smile to know that Harry was already making friends with people he'd be going to Hogwarts with. His own childhood had been so lonely due to his lycanthropy and the constant moves his family took to avoid anyone realizing what he was. He never really had a friend until Hogwarts. That was not Harry's fate, though. He would always know the love and acceptance of friendship, Remus was sure of it.
It was only a little bit heartbreaking that the baby-soft syllables of Harry's voice were hardening into a proper accent. The first time he said Padfoot properly Remus thought Sirius was going to cry. Sirius still tried to get him to revert back to the abbreviated Pafu, but was informed quite firmly by Harry that he was a big kid now at six years old and he could in fact say Padfoot properly. Still, sometimes when they read Harry his bedtime story and tucked him in for the night Remus could catch a "night, Pafu" spoken in a tiny yawn, voice muddled by sleep.
The village itself had warmed up to them, too. There had been whispers when they'd first moved in. The small town wasn't sure what to think of the two men who had moved there suddenly from London with a child in tow. Remus and Sirius had taken a while to ingratiate themselves with the others who lived there. They'd been too overcome by grief, too overwhelmed by raising Harry, and shell-shocked from the war to really socialize with the others there. There were still some muggles, of course, who would not look Remus or Sirius in the eye. Those who would tighten their grip on their children's hands and cross the street when they went by. Remus wished he could shake those people, yell at them that he wasn't a danger to them, but that would no doubt have the opposite effect. The wizards of the village were lovely, though. They'd welcomed Sirius and Remus immediately as the wizarding world of the 80s was far more accepting of their love than the muggle one. Though, Remus wondered what they think if they knew that on top of being queer he was also a werewolf.
Between the muggle discrimination against his sexuality and the wizard world's talk of new regulations on lycanthropy, the law did not feel like it was fighting on Remus' side. The war, for all its hopes and aspirations, had not resulted in the dramatic results that his side had promised.
October 31st, 1986 fell on a Friday. Remus took the morning off so to speak, taking the opportunity to stay in bed longer when Sirius had offered to get Harry ready for school and walk him in himself. He felt tired, though he'd slept plenty the night before. It was the weight of the day, he supposed. If Sirius was willing to be up and perky then he was welcome to it. But for now the bed was warm and the blankets were too soft to leave.
That afternoon, Remus picked Harry up from school as usual and couldn't help but snort in laughter when the boy ran out in a wizard's cloak that definitely belonged to Sirius but had been transfigured into something Harry's size. Subtle, Sirius, Remus thought, am I the only one in this family who gives a damn about the Statute of Secrecy?
"They never realized he was the spy" Sirius said that night, taking a long drag of the joint they were sharing. The three of them had looked through the photo album with Harry that evening and told him more stories about James and Lily. So many memories were back at the forefront of both of their minds tonight, refreshed by the date.
Now Harry was asleep in bed and Remus and Sirius sat out on a bit of roof that jutted out by their bedroom window. It was reminiscent of sitting on the windowsill at Hogwarts what felt like a lifetime ago and yet like yesterday at the same time. Really they'd only graduated eight years ago. James and Lily had died five years ago tonight. Five long years. The forward motion of time continued to astound and confuse Remus. He shivered, despite the unseasonably warm October night.
"I know," Remus said simply. It was something he'd realized that night. He didn't need Sirius to explain the idea to him. He himself had not really accepted Peter's betrayal until Bellatrix's taunts about it at her trial. It had been willing. A willing deception. There was something more cruel about that. About the fact that James and Lily had undoubtedly trusted Peter all the way to the end.
"I just keep coming back to that," Sirius continued, sounding far away despite the fact that Remus could feel their arms pressed together, could see the smoke escaping through his lips in swirling tendrils, "James was probably so worried about him , about Peter even as Voldemort came at him. He probably thought that something awful had happened to get the address out of him."
"James always believed the best in people." "The idiot," Sirius said fondly.
Remus took Sirius' wrist and pulled it to his lips to take a drag, wrapping his lips around the joint so that they brushed Sirius' fingertips. Sirius quirked an eyebrow but said nothing. The smoke was hot and heavy in Remus' lungs and he couldn't quite suppress the urge to cough on the exhale. He felt calm and loose, despite everything. It was that perfect point of the month where he was the furthest he could be between full moons.
"Frisky," Sirius scolded, but there was no heat in it.
"What do you think he'd be doing now? If he and Lily had lived?"
"Probably the same thing we're doing now," Sirius said honestly, "We'd all be on a roof somewhere, probably at their place. Lily would be laughing that absurd little giggle she did every time she smoked."
"Oh, Merlin, I forgot about that laugh. It always cracked James up and then that would set you off and soon we'd all be absolutely losing it." Remus had the wherewithal not to mention Peter, though the rat laughed along in the edges of his memory.
"Why do you think he did it?" Sirius asked. Remus knew that they were no longer talking about James. Sirius' thoughts had gone along with his own, as was often the case.
"I've been wondering that for years, Pads. I don't know. He must have been scared. We were losing. It was so clear then. We weren't going to win the war. Maybe he thought it was the only way of surviving it."
"That's not a good enough excuse."
"I'm not saying it was," Remus defended himself, "Just that's why I think he did it."
Sirius took a final drag before grinding out the stubby end of the joint on the roof's shingles. He stared at an ember that sparked feebly, watching it flicker and fade away.
"There was a point," Sirius said slowly, "before that Halloween, when things were going badly and we didn't know who it was or why... I thought it might have been you."
Remus felt the words slip into his chest and push past his ribs until they ripped into the pulsing muscle of his heart. He let them sit there for a while, tearing and pulling, before he could bring himself to speak. Sirius had been sitting on that confession for at least five years.
"That's why no one told me the Secret Keeper had been changed."
"Yes," Sirius confirmed. He did not try to explain himself and Remus found that he appreciated that. Nothing would make it sting less.
"Did they believe it? James and Lily?"
"Never." Sirius shook his head, "They were too loyal by half. They wouldn't hear it."
"I wondered about you, too," Remus admitted softly. It hurt to say it, felt spiteful when stated out loud and lined up beside Sirius' own confession.
Sirius laughed though there was no real humor in it and threw an arm around Remus, drawing him
closer. He bumped their heads together gently and Remus leaned in. "We're a mess, aren't we?"
The thin crescent move above them seemed to nod in agreement.
Chapter End Notes
Ok, I know I just used that smoking together and grabbing the other person's hand thing in a one shot recently, but I love that concept so much.
Chapter Notes
Chapter 17
I'm moving to a weekly update schedule rather that twice a week for a bit. This fic also will likely be a few chapters longer than originally planned. There's a few more things I want to explore with it than were in my original outline. We'll get back to fluff soon, but this chapter is not that.
Even before his eyes opened, Remus checked in on his body. He ached all over, but underneath it was a familiar sense of clarity. He felt weak and sore, but the mornings after the full moon had a certain feeling of relief, like the first deep breath that doesn't throb after a migraine. He wouldn't have to do this again for another few weeks. Could remain human and whole, pretend that he wasn't still aching at the thought of his teeth growing longer until they became fangs, his bones cracking and reforming as they ripped through his skin, the odd and burning itch of fur sprouting and spreading. He had weeks until the terrifying numbness returned as his thoughts simplified and faded away so that all he was left with was the wolf.
He hurt, but it was a familiar pain. Even with his eyes still closed he could tell that he hadn't injured himself too badly. He felt a bit more sore than normal and there was a definite bruise forming along his side, but other than that it was the usual pain. The expected pain. His internal check complete, Remus allowed himself to become aware of the world around him. Of the cold early winter air surrounding him. Of the twigs and leaves that poked his bare skin. They were in a patch of forest, tucked far away from any unsuspecting muggle or wizard houses.
He let himself feel further out, to hear his surroundings as he slowly gained strength. Instead of the usual steady breathing that he expected, he heard growling. Low and constant. That was odd. Usually Sirius met him in human form. He could count on one hand the number of times the dog met him on the other side of the moon. Though he didn't quite have the strength for it yet, he blinked his eyes open and tried not to wince at the dawn light that filtered in through the trees.
All he could see was the black fur of Padfoot standing guard over him. His fur bristled, hackles raised and tense. Something was wrong. Remus grabbed onto him to hoist himself up into a sitting position and followed the direction Padfoot was staring. A woman stood there, hair in a long and messy braid that had clearly come somewhat undone the night before. She was nude but unashamed of it. One arm hung limply at her side and dirt smeared across her chest, coating a constellation of scars. Still, she had a certain smirking confidence that Remus recognized immediately.
"What, you bring your dog with you, Lupin? That's weird, even for you."
"Sam!" Remus said in surprise and recognition, bracing against the black dog's back to scramble to his feet with a wince , "It's alright, Pads. I know her. You can change back."
The black dog glanced up at him with a whine before transforming back to his human form. The trace of a growl was still evident on his features.
"Sirius, meet Samantha. She was part of the old pack that I ran with during the war. Not Greyback's."
"Pleased to meet you," Sirius said, though his voice hinted otherwise.
"An animagus. Well, that makes more sense," Sam said with wide eyes, "And explains why you were so protective over the mutt last night, Lupin. I think you dislocated my shoulder."
She grabbed the injured arm above the elbow with her undamaged hand and pulled it with a familiar motion and grimace that suggested this was a regular occurrence. Remus could hear the pop as her shoulder slid back into place and winced sympathetically.
While this happened, Sirius quietly summoned Remus' clothes and handed them to him wordlessly along with his wand. He slipped his own cloak off and offered it to Sam, taking great care not to look at her. Remus came to the startling realization that, besides him, Sirius had never knowingly met another werewolf. Sam snorted, but accepted the cloak. It dwarfed her small frame and made her look much younger than the mid thirties she was.
"I thought I smelled someone as I was transforming, but I've been wrong before. How did you find me?" Remus asked.
"What did I always tell you? Trust your instincts. You sense more than you know, pup." "Pup," Remus snorted, "I've been a werewolf twice as long as you have."
"Sure, kid," Sam said with a dry snort. "It's been a while since you've run with us. We were nearby tonight, the wolf must have tracked you down."
"The rest of your pack is here?"
"Somewhere. I'll track them down again later. You know me, always goin' off on my own." She grinned toothily. "We've missed you, Lupin. Run with us again."
Remus shook his head, looking back at Sirius who stood slightly behind him. "He runs with me," Sirius said.
"Oh yeah?" Sam said, her eyes sharpening as she looked at Sirius fully, "You take care of him? He didn't get that scar across his face when with my pack."
"That's not his fault," Remus said as Sirius bristled, "The war..."
"How did winning that war work for you, then? I'm still waiting for that better world you promised your side would bring."
"Right, because Voldemort really cared so much about your well-being," Sirius snorted, "get over yourself and look at the bigger picture here."
Remus flinched. That wasn't fair at all. He could see Sam's point so clearly. Couldn't Sirius? Couldn't he see how quickly even Remus had lost support from the Order? Remus saw it. He was in contact with those remaining friends he still had, yes, but the Order at large had dropped supporting him as soon as he'd served his purpose. Dumbledore had certainly made no effort to contact him in years. After the war, attacks against muggles and muggleborns had stopped, which was the point of the fighting in a nutshell. He would do it all over again to help them. Any decent person would. But where was the assistance for the werewolves? For others who had been harmed by the previous system and were still being hurt now? No one had reached out to him, certainly, about becoming a liaison to the packs, about finding solutions now that it was no longer convenient. No, they were content to leave things as they were. To go back to normal life even if it
was a normal that didn't help everyone.
"The bigger picture?" Sam said, "What bigger picture? It's my life. It's his life too, even if you don't see it. You were off playing soldier waiting for a baby to kill He Who Must Not Be Named, if that story is to be believed. And for what? How many of your friends died?"
"You go too far, Sam," Remus warned, flinching again. He was tired. So tired from the force of the transformations and running about the forest all night. A fight was the last thing he wanted.
"How dare you!" Sirius snapped, "Where were you during the war, then? Hiding and waiting for others to step in and do something about it?"
"I liked him better as a dog," Sam sneered. "It's creepy, turning into an animal at will. By choice . And then judging us for being forced into it. Greg was telling me that he even saw a wizard turn into a rat once, out of all things to become that's disgusting. At least wolves are dignified creatures."
"I'll show you a dignified creature-"
"Sirius, quiet now!" Remus snapped, his exhaustion disappearing all at once, "What did you say?"
"It's entirely hypocritical for a wizard to judge us for doing the same thing to survive that they do for fun."
"No, no, not that, the thing about the rat. Where was this? When?"
Sam broke off from her tirade. She seemed confused and unnerved by Remus' intensity and the sudden shift in the conversation. "Oh, I don't know, it had to have been some moons ago when Greg was back from travelling with the packs in Albania. He winters there."
"Where can I find Greg?" Remus asked Sam but he was not looking at her. He shared a meaningful look with Sirius. This was it. It had to be. Their first solid lead in so many years. Who else could this be but Peter?
"You'll have to wait 'til Spring. He comes to Scotland then, spends it with the pack there... Lupin, are you alright?"
Remus realized that he'd started to shake. This was the first real hint that they'd had in so long. The first chance to really find out what happened, what went wrong that led to James and Lily's murder. It had been years but the pain could still come back just as sharp when he wasn't expecting it. It stung now, bright and red like a fresh wound. He couldn't help but relish in it, to lean into the pain, press his thumbs into the edges of the mental wound so that it oozed.
A hand on the small of his back pulled him back to earth. To his still bare feet on the forest floor. To his own emotions echoed back on Sirius' face. He could see himself reflected in Sirius' grey eyes. He looked like vengeance.
He shook his head. No, he wasn't alright. Not at all.
Chapter Notes
Chapter 18
Note the updated chapter count. My current outline has this fic at 30 chapters and about 40,000 words now.
Also thank you so much to everyone who has left a comment or a kudos! This fic has just passed 300 kudos and I am so blown away by the support. I truly treasure every single comment left and have them all saved in my inbox to read when experiencing writer's block. In a real way you being here helps this fic exist.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Early December light lit the cottage with its weak, gray glow. Sirius, overeager as always, was battling with wrapping paper as he tried to cover a new kid's broomstick for Harry. It was a losing battle as he kept losing the end of the tape as soon as he got the wrapping paper situated properly and then the wrapping paper would come undone as he fiddled with the tape. The boy who would soon come to own the broom was off in school for the day, so it was the perfect time to try and figure out this wrapping business as far as Sirius was concerned.
"Try not to make too much of a mess," Remus warned, taking in the disaster area that was quickly forming on the living room rug, "Sam is coming by later."
"She's coming here?" Sirius looked shocked.
"Yes, she'll be by around two. What's wrong now?" Remus asked, taking in the thin line of Sirius's lips.
"Are you sure that's safe?"
"I've known Sam for years. I can invite a friend over to the house, Sirius. People do that. What's the actual problem here?"
Sirius hesitated, picking at the outer seam of his trousers from where he sat on the floor. He did not meet Remus' eyes.
"I don't want a pack of werewolves knowing where Harry lives."
Remus bristled, shocked, "Well, one reads him bedtime stories every night, in case you've forgotten."
"Remus, you know that's not what I meant. You're not-"
"Not what? Not like other werewolves? Go on, finish that sentence. See how that works for you. I dare you."
Sirius went quiet and stared at Remus a moment, lips still in a harsh, straight line, though a blush of shame now colored his cheeks, "You know what I mean."
"Frankly, Sirius, I don't. Sam won't hurt Harry. She wouldn't hurt a child."
"I'm not saying she would necessarily, it's just that-"
"She's a mother!" Remus burst out, "She's got three kids, had them all before she was bit. You met her the morning after a full moon, that's not a fair time to judge someone with her condition. With my condition. She's safe, Sirius. I trust her. I need you to trust me on this."
Sirius met his gaze and held it steadily. Remus took care to meet it evenly back. He didn't know what Sirius was looking for, but he must have found it because he looked away with a sigh, running his hands through his long hair.
"Fine. Fine . I trust you, Remus. I trust you ." "Have I ever given you reason not to?"
The jibe slipped out of his mouth and he wished he could snatch it back as soon as it passed his lips. He couldn't, though, and the words hovered in the air like a cloud of mayflies.
"I'll make lunch," Sirius said simply and walked out of the room, Christmas presents abandoned for now.
Sam and Sirius together was awkward, to say the least. Sirius reverted to cold aristocrat the way he did when he felt particularly out of his depth, though Remus could tell he was trying to loosen up.
"Remus mentioned you've got kids yourself?" Sirius asked in an attempt at being friendly.
"Yes," Sam said slowly, glancing at Remus who smiled encouragingly, "the youngest just started at Hogwarts this year. Holly. She's a Hufflepuff."
"Hogwarts already? It's been such a long time since we've seen each other. Have you heard from her more, then?" Remus asked and Sam shook her head slowly.
"No, Luke wrote to me, though, last week. He's my oldest. A Ravenclaw like me, the good lad. His NEWTS exams are this year."
"That's brilliant, Sam! Have you been able to see him?"
"Just writing. In bits and pieces. I'd buy them each an owl to make it easier if I thought their father would allow it."
"You don't talk to them regularly?" Sirius asked, looking confused.
"Well, their father divorced me, of course, after I got bitten," She said as if it were obvious, "The Wizengamot won't even hear custody arguments when a type quintuple X magical creature is involved so my contact with them is... Limited, to say the least."
"Remus," Sirius said, looking horrified, "So if something happened to me..."
"I'd lose Harry. If the Ministry found out what I am I'd lose him." Remus confirmed. He hadn't realized that Sirius was not aware of that. That he didn't know exactly how prejudicial the laws were.
"But that's not fair! You aren't dangerous! Neither of you are, you're just people ." "Now you're getting it," Remus said dryly.
The clock struck four and Sirius leapt for the door, startled.
"Right, I've got to um, to pick up Harry and Neville from school. I'll be back soon, alright? We'll keep talking about this?" Sirius said and walked away looking bothered. The front door opened, closed, and then immediately reopened and Sirius came back into the room. Sirius crossed to Remus and tilted his chin up with one hand to press a quick kiss to his lips, "I love you. You know that, right? You are so important."
With that he walked back out of the cottage and went to bring the boys home. "Strange man," Remus snorted, though he was blushing lightly.
"Pick up Harry..." Sam said slowly when the door closed and the sound of Sirius' footsteps on the garden path faded away, "it's true, then? The legend of Harry Potter? That's the Harry he means, isn't it? The one who killed him ?"
Remus nodded. "He's just a kid. He and Sirius are all I've got. I have to keep them safe, Sam. I can't wait to go to Albania now that there is even some hope of finding Peter. I won't let him hurt them again."
"You've got more than most," she said in a gentle voice.
"I know it. Merlin, do I know it."
"You don't owe him anything, though. For staying when he learned what you are."
Remus sighed and shook his head. So many people didn't understand his relationship with Sirius. Remus knew they made an odd pair, that their evenly matched tempers stood out more than their highly contrasting appearances.
"That's not why I'm here. He's my home, Sam. He is... it , you know? He's it for me."
"I'm glad, Lupin," Sam smiled warmly and she took one of his hands in her own and squeezed it,
"I'm glad for you. Just making sure, you know? Someone's got to look out for you."
Remus snorted. It had been so long since someone besides Sirius was truly looking out for his best interests.
"Help me, then? I can't wait on this one. It's been too many years already." Sam looked at him appraisingly before nodding. "I'll help."
"I wish you'd told me," Sirius said as they washed dishes that night, the muggle way. Sirius washed and Remus dried. "About the custody thing. With Harry."
"Frankly, Sirius, I thought you would have known."
"How would I know that?"
"Sirius," Remus said slowly, evenly, "I can't tell you every time a law is passed that affects me. I can't catch you up on centuries of slights and oppressions. It's exhausting. You've got to do some research on your own, if you want to learn things. We can talk about it and I'll answer questions as best I can because I care about you, but I can't be your sole source for all things lycanthropy."
"That's fair," Sirius said, "You're right, that's absolutely fair."
They washed dishes in silence a little longer. Remus tried to hide the shaking of his hands with the dish towel. He'd made a decision and Sirius was not going to like it.
"I..." he started and then trailed off and cleared his throat, grabbing the next plate from Sirius and concentrating far too hard on wiping away every trace of water from it.
"Moony? What's up? You're worrying me."
"I'm going," Remus said, "To Albania. I'm finding Peter."
" We're going."
"No," Remus shook his head, "I think it's best if it's just me. Sam will get me in contact with the local pack there. It's best this way."
" Remus, " Sirius let the plate he was washing slip back underneath the soapy water and turned to face him, "No."
"It's too dangerous, Sirius. You were right earlier. If something happens to me then Harry's got you. If something happens to you then he's got no one. I won't let you put yourself in danger like that."
"Let me? Who said anything about letting me? It's my choice and I'm making it. If you're dead set on chasing a fugitive in the woods in some strange country then I'm going with you."
"I owe them this. James and Lily. I should've seen the changes in Peter, I should have realized he'd betrayed us."
"Oh, stop it with the self pity. I let him become Secret Keeper instead of me, you don't think I regret that every single day? If you went looking for him on your own and something happened to you I'd... I don't know what I'd do. I'd never forgive myself. If you go, I'm going."
Remus looked into Sirius' eyes and saw the determination there. This was not a fight that Sirius Black was going to lose and Remus, for all his arguing, didn't have the heart to truly push the matter.
"Alright. We'll go together." Chapter End Notes
"If you go, I'm going
So jump and I'm jumping
For there is no me without you." -Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths
Chapter 19
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The morning they left was chaotic, even before the sun dared to peek over the horizon. A swirl of last minute items being shrunk and shoved into Remus' satchel despite the careful lists they'd planned. Remus was glad, not for the first time, that they were wizards. Shrinking and weightlessness charms made travel so much easier. He raised an eyebrow as Sirius pulled tea bags from the cabinet.
"Planning on drinking a lot of tea while we're hunting down a traitor?" Remus asked. "You're so British ."
"It's for you," Sirius said quietly, not looking Remus in the eye, "You always want tea before the full moon."
Something gentle squeezed inside Remus, like someone wringing out a wet and favorite shirt with just enough care not to damage the fragile fabric.
"You're worried," Remus said. It was not a question, but Sirius still tried to deny it. "No. I'm not , Moony. I'm not!"
Remus stayed silent and sat down at the kitchen table, resting his chin on the heel of his hand to stare at Sirius. Sometimes it was best to wait him out when he got like this.
"Fine!" Sirius burst out, transfiguring a teacup from porcelain into tin and shoving it into the satchel. "Fine, I guess it just... It reminds me of before. You leaving to run around with a pack. Not being sure when you'll be home again. It reminds me of the war, of what that almost did to us, what it did do to us."
"It's not like before, Sirius. You'll be with me this time, every step of it. You've made sure of that. We've just got one enemy left and he doesn't have an army."
"You're right," Sirius said, deflating somewhat, "Of course you're right. Plus, how many wizards get to say they've run with a wolfpack?"
That wicked Sirius Black grin was back and it made Remus groan and rub at his temples. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that. Maybe they'd find Peter quickly and be back to their quiet cottage by the next full moon.
An hour or so later they'd popped through the chimney to The Burrow with Harry in tow. The young boy rubbed at his sleep-heavy eyes, complaining under his breath at the bright flash and twisting tug of the floo. It was early enough in the morning that the Weasley children weren't up yet, but Molly and Arthur were waiting for them on the other side.
"Good morning, boys!" Molly greeted them, "Care for a bite of breakfast before you're off?" Remus shook his head, but Sirius reached out to nab a few pieces of toast and a sausage or two.
"Thank you so much for doing this Molly, Arthur," Remus said, "We'll keep in touch. With any luck we'll be back before the winter break is over, but if school starts before we come home we've
talked to the Longbottoms about Harry staying with them so he won't miss school."
"It's not a problem at all," Arthur assured him, "We'll talk to Frank and Alice if it comes to that. Do what you need to."
Remus couldn't help the warring emotions inside him. It felt wrong, to leave Harry like this with no certain date of return. It felt like a betrayal of James and Lily, to abandon their son even if it was only temporary. But the Potters being betrayed is why he and Sirius were doing this in the first place. He had to see this through. If there was even a chance of catching Peter he had to go for it.
"Alright, Harry, I have something to give you." Sirius said and pulled a little round mirror from the pocket of his robes. "This is a magical mirror. Every evening I'm going to call your name into it, alright? You just have to look into the mirror and talk back and I'll hear you wherever I am. We can see each other through it, too. I'm going to call you every single day and you can tell me and your Moony all about your adventures. I'm going to have Molly hold onto it, but we'll see each other every evening, alright?"
Harry nodded seriously and took the mirror, looking into it. He gasped when instead of his own reflection, Sirius winked roguishly back at him through the glass.
"I can see you!" Harry said, "this is wizard !"
"Every evening, Molly" Sirius said to Molly firmly, " And anytime he wants it. I don't care what time it is, I don't care if he's called a dozen times that day. If he needs to talk to me or to Moony give him the mirror, we'll answer when we can."
"We'll take good care of him," Molly assured them, "don't you boys worry about that. Concentrate on coming back home to him, we'll take care of the rest."
"One more thing," Sirius said more quietly while Harry was distracted by admiring the mirror, "You should know that I've been to Gringotts. It's all been arranged. If Remus and I don't come back, Harry gets everything in the vault. He doesn't need to want for anything. Make sure he's safe. Make sure he's happy."
Arthur nodded seriously and Molly squeezed her husband's shoulder. "We'll see you when you come back," She said.
Getting to Albania was easy enough. They were able to arrange a portkey with the help of the Longbottoms, who agreed with only some debate. Alice had hesitated at first. She'd asked whether or not that was the best idea, whether it was better to wait and send aurors after him.
"Yes, because your lot did so well catching him the first time," Sirius had snapped.
"Sirius," Remus warned, touching his shoulder lightly. "We need to do this, Alice. We're going whether or not you help us."
"Alright," She agreed, "Alright, but just for you, Remus. For the patronus that saved us that Halloween night. We're even now."
"I didn't know we were keeping score," Sirius had snorted.
The little rubber duck that would serve as a portkey sat waiting on a rock about a mile's walk from
The Burrow. It was an absurd thing, but the bright color made it easy enough for them to find. True to her promise to Remus, Sam came to help them meet up with Greg, the man had likely seen Peter, and the rest of the Albania pack.
"You're lucky I like you, Lupin," Sam said with a wry twist of her lips, "I bloody hate portkeys."
As the sun fully stretched past the horizon the three travelers grabbed hold of the little duck and twisted out of Britain.
With a pop the trio stumbled into existence in another country. The forest in Albania was chilly, but a few degrees warmer than England and certainly brighter. Remus shoved the rubber duck into his satchel and took a deep breath of the clean mountain air. Maybe they'd make it out before the inevitable snow came.
The smell of other werewolves warmed the back of Remus' throat. He could tell they were nearby, even before he could see or hear them. Soon enough, though, they were greeted by a warm and smoky campfire at the center of a little cluster of houses. They were not much bigger than sheds, really. Remus could tell that they had been formed from transfiguring trees and other bits of nature into the proper shapes to form shelters. Really it was a fine bit of magic. It could be easily undone with a flick of the wand if they had to leave in a hurry, but it was sturdy and safe enough to be a comfortable home base.
They'd found the Albanian pack.
"Am I seeing a boggart or is that Sam?" A raspy voice at the edge of the camp asked with a disbelieving laugh.
"Oi, up yours, Greg!" Sam yelled back. An older man, handsome and scarred, walked towards them with a slight limp. "I've brought you some people that want to talk to you about your rat problem."
Two weeks later they were still in Albania with no sign of Peter. Harry was happy enough with the Weasleys. He'd been playing an extraordinary amount of kiddie quidditch and even learned how to de-gnome a garden, he told them. The nightly conversations through the mirror made Remus miss him something fierce. He didn't know if talking to him every night made things better or worse.
It seemed like Peter was a ghost, haunting both the forest and their memories. They'd talked to people who'd remembered seeing him, but there were no tangible results. He'd hoped they would've had more to show for their efforts by this point. Peter was here. He was here somewhere in these woods, they just had to figure out where exactly.
"You're tense" Sirius said, almost unnecessarily one night after they'd finished talking to Harry and put the mirror away. Remus had flinched when his partner sat next to him.
Remus sighed, mulling over his feelings. It felt like it did before, being with a pack. There was that deep sense of belonging. Everyone here knew how he felt, to some extent. No one glanced at his scars a second time. No one asked about why he had to sit down in the evenings after a long day, why he rubbed at his hip. If he snapped out in anger too close to the moon it was immediately forgiven. The others here had experienced the same struggles and some of the same joys that he had. The same sense of family.
There was guilt, though. Deep and putrid, swirling in his gut and gnawing at the lining of his stomach. It felt wrong that he belonged here. That he identified so closely with these other werewolves when he had been able to avoid so many of the problems that had plagued them.
Running with the wolves those years ago had been an escape. Yes, he was doing reconnaissance at the time. Yes, he was trying to sway as many people as he could from Voldemort's ideas and ideals. Of course it had been dangerous. If they'd learned that he was with the Order of the Phoenix he could have been killed.
But the reality of that danger floated like a thin layer of ice over the deep sea that was the escape of being with the pack. It wasn't enough to make him leave. He nearly hadn't left, during the war. He hadn't wanted to. Maybe if he'd been home more he would have noticed the signs with Peter. Maybe James and Lily would be raising their own son. He wouldn't be experiencing this mocking, weak facsimile of family through a damn mirror.
"It reminds me of the war," Remus said. It was a true answer, but it felt dishonest. It only brushed the surface of his feelings, untangled a minor snarl in the matted clump of his emotions. He knew it was enough, though. That Sirius would accept the answer as it was without pressing further. The war was a line that they rarely crossed. More guilt.
As he predicted, Sirius simply nodded his head. He leaned against Remus' side and rested his head on Remus' shoulder, offering his presence as comfort. Remus accepted greedily and wrapped an arm around Sirius, holding him closely.
"I've made you the executor to my will," Sirius said out of nowhere making Remus' blood run colder than the snow on the distant mountain peaks. "I checked, it's perfectly legal. The money is still all to Harry. Damn old laws won't let me leave the Black fortune to you, but you've got control of it til Harry turns seventeen. If anything happens to me that gives you a claim on him, to keep him. The Wizengamot would have to hear your custody argument, I was very specific about his care and the money."
"Sirius... Don't. Alright, just don't. You're not dying in Albania. I don't want to even hear about it. You're not leaving me that easily."
"Well, it's all set up anyway. Between that and the Potter fortune that kid would be richer than sin, so let's hope nothing happens. The ego that would give him is unthinkable."
Remus snorted in laughter despite himself. They'd find Peter and be home soon enough. They had to. There was no other option.
Chapter End Notes
Some of you were very excited about Marlene/Dorcas mentions in previous chapters. The first chapter of my Marlene/Dorcas fic, "In Screaming Color" is up. It follows the original Order of the Phoenix from 1978-1981, all the way through the first war. Check it out if you're interested! The updates to that fic will be sporadic until this one is done, but it exists in the same universe as "Hold On To This Lullaby" so you might notice some similar events mentioned with our beloved characters as that fic continues.
Thank you so much for the kudos and comments! They truly make my day every time
I see them.
And, as always, thanks for reading! -Pen
Chapter 20
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It was slow going, but they started finding signs that Peter was nearby. They were subtle and hard to trace, like breadcrumbs scattered along a woodland trail by a child who hoped to find their way back home but wasn't sure if they'd be welcomed. Greg had proved to be rather helpful, even if it was a grudging sort of help. He didn't want anything to do with the war. He hadn't the first time it came around and he didn't want to get pulled into some post-war revenge mission, he'd told them. Still, he showed them where he saw the wizard turn into a rat months ago. Sam vouched for them with him and the rest of the pack, just as she said she would. Remus was welcomed immediately, but they were concerned about Sirius.
"He's my pack," Remus assured them, "He is no danger to us. He's known that I was a werewolf for over a decade now and he's still here. He's safe."
They'd accepted him after that, though some people still gave him a wide perimeter.
Every night they talked to Harry. Christmas came and went and they had to watch him open presents through the mirror. It felt so far away. So cold and lonely out here in the woods when contrasted with the laughing warmth of Christmas at the burrow. It was lucky that Sirius had bought presents so early.
The search continued.
"I'm leaving tomorrow," Sam announced one morning in early January, "I wish you both luck in finding who you're looking for, but I need to get back to... to my own pack."
"Yes, thank you for your help," Sirius said, "of course you should get back to your family."
Sam snorted in a dry and resentful sort of amusement. Remus raised an eyebrow at that, silently urging Sam to elaborate.
"It's just that, it is, actually. For my family. The term starts up again next week at Hogwarts," She admitted shyly. "I always go to King's Cross to watch my kids go through the barrier to get to 9 and 34. I don't go up to them, you understand. Their father has made it quite clear I'm not to do that. They never know I'm there, but it's just nice to see them for a moment. Even if it's at a distance."
"I understand," Remus said before Sirius could say anything. He didn't quite trust his partner not to put his foot in his mouth and press further. To give some paltry apology that would only make things awkward.
Merlin, where had the time gone? Harry's own term in muggle primary school would be starting in a few days. He'd so hoped they'd be back by then but that was looking less and less possible.
That night he talked to Molly and Arthur through the mirror and explained they'd be gone longer than planned. Molly had already talked it through with the Longbottoms, it seemed. Harry would spend the weeks there to make it easier to get to school and the weekends at The Burrow.
"When are you coming home?" Harry asked.
"Soon," Sirius promised, "Just a bit longer now." *
Each day it seemed like they were getting closer. The Albanian forest held many mysteries. It was ancient woodland, ripe with magic and secrets of its own and those that were lent to it.
"I hate snakes," Sirius said after they'd split up briefly to follow two different trails. "I just saw one that had to have been three meters long! Horrible!"
Remus laughed, "It was probably just a little tiny grass snake, you big baby. Maybe we'll get lucky and it will eat Wormtail."
"When have we ever been that lucky?" Sirius scoffed, "I'm telling you, it was huge!"
"Well, if you see it again, suggest to it the benefits of an all rat diet before screaming and running away."
"Prat," Sirius teased, "Maybe it will eat you and then you can say 'wow, Sirius, you were right, that is a damn big snake' as your last words."
"Mmm, I'm very rude, aren't I?" Remus kissed him lightly before hissing like a snake against his lips. Sirius pulled back and swatted at him, affronted.
"Prat."
"I'll show you a damn big snake," Remus teased with a wink. "Promise?" Sirius asked and kissed him again.
"Tea?" Sirius offered. Remus could only groan and reach out his hand for the mug that he knew was already waiting for him. It was only just past dawn, but the full moon was already calling for him. It pulled like a strong tide at his cramping joints, making them hyper flexible and fragile. His head throbbed and he imagined it was the wolf's consciousness taking up too much space. Space he wasn't yet ready to surrender over.
"Shut up," Remus mumbled, taking a sip of tea and feeling the warmth spread through his aching bones. There was a certain magic in a freshly brewed cuppa that had nothing to do with spells and potions. Made with love, Lily had said once, years ago, and that makes it a sort of potion, if you really think about it. He had laughed at the time, but secretly believed it. If anyone knew anything about potions it was Lily, after all.
"I didn't say anything," Sirius protested, climbing into the cot with him, careful not to put too much weight against Remus.
"You were thinking that it was a good thing you didn't listen to me and that you packed the tea." "Well... I'm not wrong, am I?"
Remus laughed despite himself, "Probably best that you kept those thoughts to yourself." "Clever of me."
"And so humble, too."
That evening they gathered a few miles from camp with the rest of the werewolf pack and waited for the moon to rise. Remus rolled his shoulders and stretched his neck. His movements were echoed by the rest of the people of the Albanian pack. They could all feel the moon calling out to them, whispering its promise and beckoning the wolf with a tempting wink. Sirius' hands were nervous and flighty, dancing and plucking along the side hems of his trousers.
"I hate this," Sirius said, "I hate that I won't be with you tonight. What if something happens?"
"What if someone decides to take on a pack of a dozen full grown werewolves? I'm fairly certain I'll be the most dangerous thing in this forest tonight, Pads."
Sirius made a low keening noise of disbelief.
"We talked about this, Sirius," Remus sighed, "You agreed. If even one person objected to you running with us tonight you'd stay away."
As it turned out, multiple people had problems with the idea of a non-werewolf being present for their transformations. They'd come out here, far from civilization, to avoid being around non-bitten people. No one wanted to risk being the one to bite Sirius, even if Sirius was willing enough to take the chance.
"I know. I know, it would be selfish to stay. And you could get hurt if you tried to protect me like you did with Sam that night we met. I'll go, just- just be safe, alright?"
"Apparate as far away as you can. I'll see you in the morning."
When the sun rose some hours later Remus woke with his head on Sirius' lap.
"Only minor scrapes and cuts. No broken bones. It was a good night, then?" Sirius asked.
"It's... exhilarating to run with a full pack again," Remus said, shrugging on the cloak that Sirius offered him with a light wince. "What about you? Did you get up to anything interesting last night?"
"Not really, just went here and there a bit in the town by the forest's edge."
Sirius leaned down to pull the cloak tighter around Remus and he could smell the whiskey on his breath beneath the minty cover of toothpaste. 'Here and There' must have been the name of a pub, Remus thought dryly but did not say anything.
"How long can you keep this up?" Molly asked one night after Harry had finally fallen asleep. It had been a hard night. Harry was grumpy and had lashed out at them verbally through the mirror. It all came out when he finally broke down crying, little body racked with the sobs he'd been trying to hold back. He missed them.
"As long as we have to," Sirius said, not meeting her gaze through the glass. "And if you can't find him?"
"James was my brother, Molly," Sirius' tone was biting, "if you could get the people who were behind Fabian and Gideon's deaths, wouldn't you go after them?"
Molly's chin quivered, but she stood her ground, "Your child needs you."
"Harry will be safest when Peter is no longer a threat," Remus said, "I'm sorry, Molly, but we need more time."
That was all they ever asked for, it seemed. More time.