Hold on to this lullaby21-25
Chapter 21
Chapter Notes Here it is...
See the end of the chapter for more notes
They found him when they weren't expecting it. While marking out a new trail through the forest, Remus looked up from inspecting some broken undergrowth, and there he was. Peter. The past five years had not treated him well. He looked ragged, dark bags under his red rimmed eyes. The three of them stood there, staring at each other for a long moment, unsure how to act at the sudden reunion. His emotions were a river, blocked by a carefully built wall that desperately held back the flow.
The dam broke all at once.
"Remus! Sirius!" Peter Pettigrew greeted them, "My friends! You're so far from home."
"It's over, Peter," Sirius said, "We've found you. No more running."
"The war is over. We made it through, we all did!"
"Not all of us," Remus reminded him, mouth in a thin, firm line, "You made sure it wasn't all of us."
"Coward," Sirius spat, speaking over Remus, "We should've known from the beginning that you'd be the rat. "
"Rats are very intelligent creatures," Peter said with a bit of a whine in his tone and Remus couldn't help but scoff in disbelief. Is this really what they were going to do? Rehash old teasing arguments from their youth? Now, in the middle of the woods, over the memories of the bodies of their best friends?
"Oh, is that how you sleep at night?" Sirius bit back.
"Enough!" Remus yelled, voice breaking, feeling horribly like he was breaking up an argument in their dorm in Gryffindor tower. "Enough! How could you, Pete? They trusted you. They loved you. We all did."
Something in Peter's face hardened and he was no longer the gentle boy that Remus remembered. The lines of his eyes and mouth were wrong. Cold.
"We were all going to die, Remus." Peter said in a pleading tone, "All of us. The Dark Lord was winning. You can't tell me that you saw a way out of the war, a way of surviving with the Order? I did what I had to do. I made it through. I did that! Me! I got myself through it. Really, it's thanks to me the war even ended-"
" Don't ." Sirius snapped. "Don't you dare. James and Lily ended the war. Harry ended the war. You did nothing , do you hear me? Nothing. All you did was betray them. You might not have cast the curse, but you killed James and Lily. You did that."
"They would have died whether I interfered or not. Don't you get it? The Order of the Phoenix wasn't going to win. It wasn't even my idea to be Secret Keeper, if we're passing blame. You did that, Sirius. You talk a lot about trust, but where was that when you thought your poor, werewolf boyfriend was the spy?"
That was it: the breaking point to end any discussion. The subject they couldn't get past.
"Crucio!" Sirius yelled, whipping his wand forward. His face twisted in rage, a cruel caricature of an expression.
"Sirius, NO!" Remus spun to grab his wand arm and then looked back at Peter in panic. Peter flinched back at the Unforgivable Curse with a yelp. But that was it. He looked down at his hands and body in surprise. He was upright, not writhing on the forest floor.
"All that talk, Padfoot , but you don't mean it," Peter said with a cruel smile. "It's not me you're trying to torture. Who do you really blame?"
Remus should have stunned Peter right then, before he'd had a chance to yell the spell. Before Peter could do what he'd always done best and save himself. Remus should have done it when they first saw him. He felt frozen though, just like he had in his first mission with the Order so many years ago. No spells had come to his lips then as they did not now. Sirius was faster, though. Sirius was always faster. He lunged at Peter and the ground shifted as the trees seemed to fling themselves towards the earth in protest, blocking his path. With the guilty indecision of a scared child Remus could only watch as Peter spun on the spot and disapparated with a loud pop, almost muffled by the explosion around them.
Sirius was closest. Sirius fell.
The blast knocked Remus backwards and he felt the very air knocked from his lungs as he hit the ground with a dull thud. He scrambled to his feet unsteadily, gasping as if he were drowning as he forced his lungs to expand once again. It hurt. Merlin, did it hurt. At least one rib had to be broken. But he was used to pain. He could push past it, exist around it. If his life had taught him anything it was how to move through pain, even when it threatened to consume him.
What he couldn't move past was the man limp on the ground in an awkward angle, like a puppet whose strings had been unceremoniously cut. He forced himself to walk towards him. Pain lanced through his side, protesting every step. Definitely broken ribs. But it felt distant. Muted. Maybe he'd sustained a concussion in the blast, too. His brain was numb to everything but a name.
Sirius.
Sirius lay across the forest floor and Remus could almost pretend that he was sleeping. Remus dropped to his knees beside him and carefully wiped dirt from his face, from those beautiful high cheekbones.
"Pads?" Remus choked out uselessly. "Get up, Padfoot, damn you. don't you do this."
He couldn't do this to him. He couldn't be dead. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair. Was Remus meant to lose everyone?
"Bloody hell, that hurt," Sirius said hoarsely and twitched open his eyes. Remus gasped. Relief flooded his system in a cold wash.
"I told you that you weren't going to die in Albania, you idiot man."
"Sorry about that, Moony," Sirius said in a raspy voice, coughing weakly and wincing at the effort, "had to give it a try though. Keep you on your toes and all that."
"Remind me why I put up with you."
"Must be my devilishly handsome good looks," Sirius smirked feebly, "I've heard you love me or something."
"That must be it, you tosser."
"Peter?" Sirius started to push himself up with an elbow, but Remus held him down with a firm hand to his chest.
"Peter escaped. He's gone. Let me check you over before you start moving about, alright?" "Love it when you take charge."
Remus smiled, despite the choked sob of relief that racked his body. Sirius was going to be okay.
"You shouldn't have stopped me from using the Cruciatus on him. He deserved it," Sirius said later, staring at the smoldering embers of the fire at the center of the pack's camp.
"I didn't stop you, Pads. The spell was already out of your mouth."
Sirius swore under his breath and concentrated on breaking a twig into small pieces and then smaller pieces still between his fingers.
"I know. You're right. You're right I just can't even bloody well do that right, can I?"
"I don't think you should be ashamed that you failed at torturing someone, Sirius," Remus said slowly. Carefully. "That curse requires a tremendous amount of intention. You have to really want to see someone suffering... I think we've seen enough suffering, you and I."
The last flames of the campfire crackled and popped as they consumed the remaining wood. Somewhere in the distance an owl hooted a mournful cry. Smoke billowed upwards in a loose misty spiral. It was ghostly against the inky black sky. It muted the stars above them. Sirius and Remus did not look at each other. They let themselves pretend they were distracted by the fire, by the wilderness around them. It was a weak pretense, but neither of them was willing to call the other out on it.
"He's right," Sirius said softly, after what could have been hours but may have only been minutes passed, "It was my fault. I blame myself. I'm the one who should suffer."
"Oh, Sirius. It's not. You must know that it's not."
"Whose is it then? Is it James' fault? Lily's? Is it yours?"
Remus flinched back and Sirius knew he'd gone too far. Pushed too much, like he always did. "I didn't mean that, Moony. I didn't mean it. I-fuck. I'm sorry."
He did. Of course he did. But he didn't want to mean it, and that's what had to count right now.
"Maybe it can be Peter's fault." Remus said slowly, "Maybe it can be that simple."
Sirius gave a vague sort of snort, but nestled himself into Remus' side. Remus wrapped his arms around him and held him close, forgiving him as he always did. Tried not to think of him on the forest floor, unnerving in his stillness. Of another body, wandless and so young on his living room floor. The grimace of fear and determination locked in his face, glasses askew. He'd thought, at the time, that James could have been sleeping. He knew better now. He'd shared a room with James for seven years. James slept with a smile. That wasn't sleep.
Remus wanted to push it from his thoughts. To memorize this feeling. Sirius warm in his arms. Warm and safe and so alive. He tried to push comfort and calm into Siris with his embrace and pull the same back, like he'd be able to absorb relief and filter out his guilt in an emotional osmosis.
It worked. Just a little.
They renewed their efforts to find Peter. If before they had been chasing breadcrumbs then those crumbs had long gone stale and been swept away by a heartless wind.
"Moony?" Harry asked through the mirror one night, "Are we ever going to be a family again?" "Oh, Harry," Remus felt his heart break. Sharp and fractured. "Of course we will. We're a family
now , love. No matter how far away we are, we will always be a family." "Moony and I love you so much, Harry." Sirius said, looking miserable.
Soon after, Harry's yawns interrupted his speech more often than not. Remus and Sirius watched him until his eyes fluttered closed and the mirror slipped out of his sleeping hand, leaving them unable to see him. Stil, they listened to Harry's steady breathing for as long as they dared before putting away their mirror and ending the connection.
"It's time, Padfoot. We've got to go home." "Just a few more days. We're so close."
"We haven't seen any trace of him in weeks, Sirius. He saw us. He knows we're after him. He's not coming back. Harry needs us."
"He did seem pretty upset, didn't he?"
"I never really thought about it before," Remus said, "what it must be like to be the one at home waiting, not knowing how many days or weeks or even months it would be for your loved one to come home. I felt some of it, of course. When you were on your own missions. When we'd pass each other on opposite schedules, barely enough time to say hello. But your work for the Order rarely meant you'd be gone more than a day or two. I'd know that if you were going to come back it would be soon, not some drawn out waiting game."
Sirius flinched and his breathing hitched.
"It was awful, Remus. Waiting for you during the war. This isn't the same exactly, Harry can talk to us every day, but... but you're right. Of course you're right. We need to go home."
That next morning they called Harry's name through the mirror. He'd taken to sleeping with it on his bedside table. Come downstairs , they'd told him, we have a surprise for you. Harry rubbed at his bleary eyes, hair standing up every which way and sleepily put on his glasses. He walked down the stairs of The Burrow in his quidditch snitch patterned pajamas and leapt straight into Sirius' arms.
"Is this a dream?" He asked in a small voice.
"Not a dream," Remus assured him, "We're going home, Harry. We won't leave you again."
Chapter End Notes
Five points to anyone who spotted the similarities in the scene right after the explosion and the scene where Remus and Sirius find James on Halloween.
Oof. We deserve some fluff after this. It's coming, I promise.
Chapter 22
Chapter Notes
Ok, I know I said fluff and it is coming! But this chapter is more towards hurt/comfort.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Remus looked at their house, at the vines that covered it. He'd read once about old buildings that had been covered in ivy so long that to remove the plant would be to destroy the building. That the roots and vines twisted 'til they wrenched the mortar free, 'til they themselves were the only things keeping the stones stacked. Sometimes the thing that destroyed was also the thing that healed.
The ivy kept the house upright, made it strong and weatherproof. If it had caused the damage surely it hadn't meant it. Would the ivy have grown if it knew that by doing so it would doom its own home? Wouldn't it have dug its roots deep, reaching like fingers to explore every weakness, soothe every crack? Would it take the risk of the inevitable pain knowing that by doing so it would have a chance to grow higher than it ever could have alone? Would it be able to thrive knowing that it's success was choking something else?
Perhaps the ivy didn't think that deeply. Maybe it saw a gentle place where it could enjoy the sunlight and chose to rest there. Were the results of selfishness as bad if they weren't brought about by cruel intentions? Remus plucked off a leaf by the door and went inside. Things weren't good if he was personifying a plant.
They'd been home for a couple of months now and were finally falling back into their routine. Harry was clingier than normal for the first few weeks. He was always right up against Remus or Sirius, always needing to know where they were. Remus felt guilty about it. Horribly guilty. With little warning or preparation they'd left Harry for nearly three months. Someday he'd explain it to Harry properly. When he was older and could better understand. But for now the simple explanation that his guardians had to go and try and catch a bad guy but that they were home now, that they were staying home now, was good enough.
Oh how he wished they had something to show for it. That he'd been a little quicker, that Peter had been a little slower. Sometimes he even wished that Sirius' Cruciatus Curse had worked. He didn't, really. Dark magic like that left traces on its user. Sirius had gone through enough without being tainted by casting an Unforgivable Curse. But if it had let them grab Peter... Well, maybe it might have been worth it.
In his nightmares he saw Sirius on the forest floor. Still. Unmoving. Sometimes he'd blink and it would be James. Sometimes Lily with tears frozen on her cheeks. Gideon and Fabian. He supposed his subconscious was merciful in that it always showed them both dead together. In the reality of it, the curse took Gideon hours before its effects finished ravishing Fabian. Fabian had had to watch his brother die slowly knowing the same fate was coming for him. Knowing there wasn't any escaping it. The dream would shift and they'd shrink and become Marlene and her little brother, Danny, still in his Hogwarts robes. Benjy- there wasn't enough left to bury him during the war, but in his nightmares Remus saw him all the same. Dorcas. Harry, who in that strange dream logic was somehow simultaneously that little baby from Halloween and his current age. Another blink and there he was himself. Or rather, there was a wolf on the ground. Still. Unmoving. Never turning
human again.
It was around that point in the recurring nightmare that he usually woke screaming.
The room was dark and the bed was empty when he gasped awake. Sirius' place in it was cold. Remus gulped down mouthfuls of air, focusing on his breathing and slowing the racing stampede of his heart. He was home. He was alive. He was safe.
He was home. He was alive. He was safe. Home.
Alive. Safe.
When his body stopped trembling enough that he could stand, Remus climbed out of bed and crept down the hallway to Harry's room. He carefully pushed open the door so as not to wake the boy and stuck his head inside. The boy was safe in bed. Of course he was. The dream was just a dream and made no real sense. Still, seeing Harry there, eyelashes fluttering as he dreamed peacefully, helped.
It was absurd how much Harry slept like James did. Spread out across the mattress like a starfish, a bit of drool pooling on the pillow. Lily had teased James about it when they'd first moved in together. His sleeping habits did not change when another person was in the bed with him, it seemed. Lily had later confessed to Remus that she loved it. That it made her feel safe and she couldn't imagine not sleeping squished underneath his spidery limbs.
She never had to.
Feeling his heart rate pick up again, Remus closed the door to Harry's room quietly and walked down the stairs. It was as he'd hoped. Sirius was sitting on the piano bench, fingers dancing mutely across the keys as he swayed to music that only he could hear.
"Do you mind an audience?" Remus said, clearing his throat against the roughness he found there. Sirius jumped at his appearance. He'd been so wrapped up in the music that he clearly hadn't heard Remus come downstairs. Wordlessly, he lifted the silencing charm that formed a bubble around the piano and scooted over for Remus to sit beside him on the bench.
He started to play again. Clear, slow notes that seemed to sing out from Sirius' very soul. The tempo was even and strong, something that Remus could set his breathing to. He felt himself calming as he watched Sirius' confident fingers play along the keys. For the first time in his life he understood why they called it "playing" an instrument. It certainly looked like each of Sirius' hands were part of some great game, the rules of which only they knew. The music was somber, but Remus appreciated it for that. He wasn't in the mood for something merry and loud. This was a song of memory. A song of mourning. But it was a song of continuing forward. Of existing despite the bad.
"Sorry to wake you, kiddo," Sirius said looking over his shoulder though his fingers kept playing. Harry stood at the bottom of the stairs, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
"Come join us, Harry." Remus reached out a hand towards him and Harry took it, sitting up on the bench on Remus' other side. He curled up against him, warm and soft and smelling of sleep.
The three of them stayed like that, listening and playing until dawn stretched towards them like a cat waking up from an easy nap.
"I'll set this one on the couch if you turn the kettle on?" Remus said to Sirius, smiling affectionately at Harry who had fallen asleep across their laps on the piano bench. He gathered the almost seven year old boy up in his arms with a slight grunt and wondered how much longer he'd be able to pick Harry up. The boy was growing, healthy and strong. He set him on the couch gently and summoned a blanket and Harry's little, black, stuffed dog. The blanket went across his body and he tucked the dog under one arm so that it would be there when he woke up.
"My nightmares are back," He confessed to Sirius, joining him in the kitchen. "I know. I'm sorry. Mine never left."
Remus sighed deeply, a long blowing exhale of everything in his lungs. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, holding his slightly shorter frame tightly against him.
"Thank you for the music." Remus said, knowing that Sirius wouldn't see it as the non-sequitur it seemed to be. Knowing he'd understand that Remus was thanking him for not just the music, but for all that and more. For his friendship, for his help, his laughter, sharing his joys and sorrows and hopes and fears. For his love. All those emotions were too complicated to untangle and explain this early in the morning on so little sleep, but Remus knew that Sirius would understand what he meant. He knew it could be encapsulated in a simple phrase.
That's what music was for, after all. Chapter End Notes
I imagined Sirius playing Henry Purcell's "Dido's Lament (When I Am Laid In Earth)" from the opera Dido and Aeneas. Look it up, it's beautiful.
Chapter 23
Chapter Notes
Here's the happy chapter I've been promising!
The days were long, but the years were short. Harry was eight years old now and his energy was boundless. Luckily, Sirius also had seemingly limitless stamina and was always ready for an adventure with his godson.
Hogsmeade looked like he remembered it. The same cobblestone streets and buildings with snow lingering on the thatched roofs that looked like they were plucked right out of a storybook. It was the winter holidays so the streets were fairly empty with no students in town.
He remembered running the streets with his friends back in school. Behind Zonko's Toy Shop was where he, Sirius, and Marlene tried to smoke their first cigarette while James looked on with a mildly horrified expression. Lily lost it laughing when Sirius and Marlene both nearly threw up at the first inhale. Serves them right, thinking they're so bloody cool, she'd said. Marlene and Sirius flicked her off in sync with the same jokingly offended expression, sending all of them to the ground laughing in a heap.
Madam Puddifoot's still stood brightly- the garishly tacky and pink tea shop where Lily took James when she finally accepted a date proposal from him. It had been meant to be a joke- certainly it wasn't a place that either of them would normally go- but James had gone without a single complaint or hesitation. I just wanted to spend time with you, the "where" didn't matter , James told Lily when she asked him about it later. It became a sort of special place for the two of them after that.
Harry scrunched his nose up at the retelling of that story, giving the bright colored storefront a suspicious side-eye.
"I wouldn't go in there for a girl ," Harry said, "Gross."
"Well, maybe you'll change your mind when you're older," Sirius said, ruffling his hair, "or not,
either way is fine with us."
"Can we go into Honeydukes?"
"What's the magic word?" Remus prompted.
"We're wizards. There are a lot of magic words," Harry responded petulantly. "Hey, watch that tone. Don't talk to Moony like that."
"Sorry, Moony. Can we go to Honeydukes please , Padfoot? Please, please?"
"Only if you beat me there!" Sirius took off towards the sweets shop with a dramatic bolt but slowed enough so that Harry could be sure to pass him. Remus shook his head fondly and turned into Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop. He'd broken his favorite quill a few days ago more dramatically than he cared to try fixing it and it needed replacing. Turning a corner after buying his new quill
and leaving the cramped shop, he bumped into someone and instinctively turned to apologize when he heard a familiar Scottish lilt say his name.
"Remus Lupin, as I live and breathe."
"Professor McGonagall!"
She looked older, but he supposed he did, too. The war and everything after had aged them.
"Oh, Poppy just ran into the shop. She'd love to see you, I'm sure. She won't admit it, but she misses you."
"Yeah, of course!" Remus agreed. He'd missed the Hogwarts healer, too. Poppy Pomfrey had cared for him for so many years, gotten him through so many full moons. She was the only one he trusted to look over Harry seven years ago on that awful Halloween night. He felt bad that they'd fallen out of touch over the years. He still sent her owls every now and then, but probably not as frequently as he should. "Sirius is here, too, with Harry. I think they're buying out Honeydukes as we speak."
McGonnagall gasped lightly and stared over Remus' shoulder. He turned and saw Harry toting an enormous bag of candy. Far too much, it seemed. Remus would have to take away most of it when they got home and ration it out so Harry wouldn't eat it all at once.
"He looks so much like James," McGonagall said quietly, "But his eyes... they're Lily's eyes. I remember that they were when he was a baby, I wasn't sure if they'd stay the color."
"He's a great kid. They would've been proud of him. I'm proud of him."
"It looks like you two have done well with him. I'm glad you have him and each other. I am proud of you, you know. Even if I never said it enough when it would have mattered."
Remus couldn't help but blush at the unexpected praise, "It still matters."
"Minerva!" Sirius yelled far too loudly, interrupting the moment, and gave the witch a squeezing hug, "Haven't retired yet, eh Minnie?"
"Why is it that as soon as I see you I have an urge to remove points from my own house?" Minerva tutted, though her eyes were bright and betrayed her stern frown.
Sirius barked a single ha of laughter, "We've brought you a new Gryffindor. Three more years and he's yours."
"Three years? Raised by you two? I am marking my calendar, that is the day I retire." "Oh come off it, you loved us," Sirius teased.
"I shouldn't say it, but you troublemakers were always some of my favorites," McGonagall admitted. "I taught Misters Black and Lupin when they were in school," she explained to Harry.
"And my mom and dad, too?"
"Oh yes. I taught all of them. The mischief they caused... Well. I don't want to inspire you. Let's hope you're better behaved than your father, even if you do look like his carbon copy."
"We were just going to pop into the Three Broomsticks for a pint? Care to join us?" Remus asked his former professor.
"In fact, I think I would. Just for a minute."
The bell on the door to the Three Broomsticks pub jingled in a pleasantly familiar way when they opened the door. The old place was just as he remembered it. The only thing that ever seemed to change in Hogsmeade was the seasons.
"Hiya handsome, it's been a while," Rosmerta said from across the bar and mimed blowing a kiss to Sirius who pretended to catch it in his hand, dramatically pulling it to his heart.
"Hello, Rosmerta," Remus greeted pleasantly, pulling her attention to him. He didn't care about the flirting, really. It was harmless enough and Sirius always got a good laugh from the ego boost. He couldn't help but insert himself into the picture, though.
"You know I was talking to you all along, love," Rosmerta fibbed with a grin. He could tell the exact moment she noticed Harry. Her eyes widened cartoonishly and she just barely managed to keep her jaw from dropping.
"Merlin's beard, it's him isn't it? That's the Harry Potter? My, but he looks like James. The eyes, though. Even from here I can tell that he's got her eyes."
"Hello," Harry said somewhat shyly, peering around from behind Remus. "The kid's butterbeers are on the house today, eh? Anything he wants." "What do we say, Harry?" Remus prompted.
"Thank you," the boy said somewhat more confidently.
"Cheers, Rosy, butterbeers all around," Sirius said and grabbed them a table. Madam Pomfrey joined them shortly after they'd gone in and, after hugging Remus quite soundly, sat rather close to McGonagall. Remus recognized the look they gave each other. It was one he often saw reflected back in Sirius' eyes when he looked at him. Something warm and comfortable, and so, so gentle.
Good stories poured forth like warm butterbeer. Both felt comforting and sweet on Remus' tongue.
"And then when the whole thing collapsed," Sirius slammed his hands on the table in imitation, laughing.
"James really thought it was going to work, too. Do you remember his face? Stunned!" Remus imitated the expression. "Totally stunned."
" That is what happened to the Restricted Section your second year?"
"Sorry Professor," Remus and Sirius said in sync, making them look at each other and laugh even
harder.
"I should have known it was you four." The mood sobered somewhat and McGonagall pursed her lips, realizing her mistake. She quickly recovered. "Well, between the two of you there was probably a full year's worth of detentions served over your time at school. It's alright that you got away with one prank, I suppose."
"Yes, just the one. That's the only thing we ever got away with. Ever," Sirius said earnestly, taking the chance to move the conversation along before it had the chance to get to unpleasant subjects.
"I solemnly swear," Remus added, giving him a sideways glance.
"If you don't think about the..." "Well, of course not! Or the time we-"
"Wouldn't even consider that! No, that was definitely the only bit of mischief we ever did that went unsolved. Definitely."
"Why do I even ask?" McGonagall said and rubbed at her temples.
"Oh, but we had fun," Sirius said with a wide grin, eyes bright, "You'll love it there, Harry. Hogwarts is a special place."
"A magical place," Harry smiled back.
Chapter Notes
Chapter 24
You've done your waiting! Seven weeks of it! On AO3! Hi lovely readers, I'm back!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
"I have a secret to tell you." Harry said, walking into the cottage.
"Shoes off at the door, love," Remus said, folding down the corner of the page of his book to look over at him. Harry turned back around and dutifully toed off his shoes and lined them up where they belonged next to the coat rack in the entryway. They looked so small still next to Remus' oxfords. Harry was nine now. How much longer till he could wear Remus' shoes? Wasn't he only just a baby, small enough for Remus to carry? He didn't think he'd be able to lift the boy now, though Sirius no doubt still could. And now here he was, off running about their village with his friends and causing mischief at every turn. "How was the park? Were Ruby and Neville there?"
"Just in time, kiddo. I need you to peel these potatoes for me for dinner." Sirius called from the kitchen.
"But I have something to tell you," Harry protested. "Can't you do it with magic faster than I can by hand?"
"Builds character," Remus insisted mildly.
"Come on, then. You can tell us after you've peeled these potatoes. Unless you don't want any?" "Fine," Harry said with a dramatic sigh that was so like Sirius that Remus could only laugh.
Remus settled back into his spot on the sofa with his book, leaving Sirius and Harry to squabble over the potatoes. When the inevitable splash fight started, he turned another page and called somewhat helpfully, "Remember the drying spell this time."
Not quite an hour later, the potatoes were boiling on the stove and Harry walked into the living room chewing on something.
"Dinner's almost ready, Harry. Don't spoil your appetite." Remus warned.
"Hang on," Sirius said, "Are those my Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans?"
Harry giggled and tucked the little box into his pocket, " No ." He lied.
"They are!" Sirius said, "Those are mine. Those were hidden! How did you sniff them out? You're like a niffler with gold when you're after candy."
"Your friend told me where to find them."
"My friend ?" Sirius said, confusedly, exchanging a look with Remus. "Harry, I thought you knew by now that Remus is a bit more than just my friend."
"Friend am I?" Remus said with a snort. "Way to let me down easy by having the kid tell me, Pads. Also- hang on. A bit? "
"A bit," Sirius agreed with a wink, waggling his left hand. "There's no ring on this finger, is there?"
"Oh you sad, sad confirmed bachelor," Remus teased. "No love for you."
Sirius sighed dramatically with the back of one hand pressed to his forehead like a swooning lady on the cover of a Victorian romance novel. Remus couldn't help but laugh. The snipe about the ring was nothing to take seriously. Even if it were legal, neither of them considered themselves to be the marrying type. Besides, the empty chairs at empty tables where those lost in the war should be would be too much to bear at a wedding. It was better this way.
"Just for that, Rem, we're going to raid your chocolate stash tonight. I'm telling the boy where you keep the really good stuff as payback."
"Hang on, I didn't actually tell Harry about the sock drawer," Remus said. "How'd you figure that one out?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you all night. I have a secret!" Remus and Sirius exchanged another look and the mood shifted.
"A secret, huh? Remember, we don't keep secrets from each other. We keep surprises because those are meant to come out, but never secrets."
"I know ," Harry complained. "I met a friend of yours today! He knew my dad and mum!"
"Oh yeah?" Remus said slowly, "Which friend?"
"I'm not supposed to say. He said it was going to be a surprise!"
"I'll take the surprise a bit early, if you don't mind." Sirius said, "I'd like to know who you met." "As would I." Remus said.
"Will you still act surprised?" "Scout's honor," Sirius promised.
"He said he went to school with you and Moony," Harry said, looking between the two of them. "And with mum and dad, too."
Remus felt his stomach drop, white hot as it melted a path through his body and surely fell out onto the floor. While he didn't dare turn his eyes from Harry to glance at Sirius, he could sense that his partner had stiffened as well.
"Harry?" Remus said slowly, "What was the man's name?"
"I don't remember. He had a funny name, though. Two words, like Padfoot's."
"Two words," Remus asked, lips barely moving as every muscle in his body locked. "Was it
Wormtail?"
"Yeah, that was it!"
Sirius moved almost immediately, locking the bolt on the front door with a loud thunk. He pulled his wand, mumbling protective spells at every window as he moved frantically through the cottage.
Fuck. Remus thought. Peter? Here in their little village? After all these years? How did he find them? Was he alone? Why now?
"Where did you see him, Harry? When? How long ago was this?"
The boy's eyes brimmed with tears. "Did I do something wrong? That hurts, Moony."
Remus released his grip. He hadn't even realized he'd grabbed Harry by the shoulders. Certainly hadn't meant to hold him that tightly.
"No, no, love. You didn't do anything wrong at all. You did the right thing by telling us. I was just scared. I'm sorry I grabbed you like that, are you alright?" Harry nodded his head and wiped at his eyes. Remus smoothed away a spilled tear with the pad of his thumb. "This is very important, though, Harry. Can you tell me about Wormtail? When did you see him? Where?"
"Today at the park. He bought me an ice cream. He seemed nice. What's wrong?" "Was that the first time you'd met him?"
Harry nodded. "I think I'd seen him around a couple other times. He said if I came back tomorrow we'd get some more ice cream and surprise you and Padfoot. He had stories about my dad."
"The house is clear," Sirius said walking back into the room, eyes darting as if Death Eaters might leap out of the ceiling at any moment. "No one's been in here uninvited. I've locked everything up."
"We should let the others know," Remus said. "Frank and Alice at least. Dumbledore. Pettigrew wants to meet him tomorrow, Sirius." He fought to keep the edge of panic out of his voice. To mask the fear. "He told Harry to come back to the park tomorrow."
"Well, Remus. Looks like you and I are going on a bit of a playdate at the park." Chapter End Notes
I'm so sorry for the unexpected hiatus! Real life got unexpectedly but pleasantly exciting. I went from being unemployed for a year (thanks Covid), to suddenly doing a lot of job interviews now that the world is opening back up, and now I'm planning a cross country move for a new job in my field! Rest assured that I will see this fic through to the end. The last few chapters have been written for a while now, just have to clean up the next few in between.
Thanks for sticking with me! I appreciate all of you so much. -Pen
Chapter 25
Chapter Notes
CW: Description of panic attack. Mention of recreational drug use (weed).
See the end of the chapter for more notes "Stay right where you are, Ratboy."
He was there. Just there in front of the swing set that they pushed Harry on every Sunday morning til he decided that he was too big to be pushed and could do it himself. He was there, next to the slide where Harry got his first bee sting on one summer afternoon. Across from the merry-go-round Sirius enchanted (when no one else was in the park) so Remus, Harry, and Sirius, too could spin in joyful circles. Together.
Seeing Peter Pettigrew standing there ripped other memories, unbidden, to the front of his mind, too. The summer they'd all gone down to the little park by James' parents' house with a stolen bottle of firewhiskey and drank til the whole playground spun like the world was a merry-go-round. Like they could feel the earth spinning all too quickly on its axis. The inevitable race forward of time. To years later when Lily sat on a swing, rocking ever so gently forward and back with tiny, tiny Harry cradled in her arms. She'd never taken him to a park when he was old enough to sit up on his own in one of the baby swings and laugh as the wind played through his featherdown hair. She hadn't had the chance. The war had intensified far too quickly and it had been too high a risk, even before they were locked away at home for their own protection. And then they were gone. Peter had taken that from them. He'd taken that from Harry.
He dared show up here. Somehow, he had the audacity to look surprised at seeing Remus and Sirius where Harry should have been.
Remus felt adrenaline coursing with a sharp buzz through his veins. This time, Peter wasn't going to get away with it. Remus would be faster, wouldn't stand by and let him destroy his family yet again. This time he'd act and be sure about it.
It was easy enough when the aurors came in. The red flash of stunning spells coming from all directions lit the park, reflecting oddly off of the empty merry-go-round and shiny slide. They weren't leaving it to chance. Not this time. They'd told Frank and Alice Longbottom who gathered a team and stood by, ready to stop whatever that rat had been planning. What did he want with Harry?
Sirius swore at his side, flinching back at the unexpected burst of magic around them. The crimson pulse of the war. Remus reached for his wrist without taking his eyes off the scene. He needed to feel it- feel the thrum of blood in Sirius' veins. The reminder that he was alive, though he logically knew the other man stood right by his side. His wrist was warm against Remus' too cold fingers and the beat captured beneath his thumb was far too fast but strong all the same.
And just like that, Peter fell.
He didn't think it would happen so quickly. He thought he'd have time to do something. To say something. Maybe this was better? This anti-climax to the problem that wormed through his very
marrow all these years.
Remus expected to feel something, too. Some great sense of relief as the chains wrapped
themselves about Pettigrew's stunned wrists. Some feeling of victory. Of justice. It felt hollow.
Peter had been caught. He'd face trial for his crimes. But what about those he'd hurt? What about the people who would never face trial? What about James, and Lily, and Dorcas, and Marlene, and Benjy, and Caradoc, and Gideon, and Fabian, and, and, and, and...
It just felt hollow.
He couldn't help it, either. The guilt that gnawed at him. That growled a warning at his lack of feeling. Come on now, the guilt urged, most people don't even get this. You should be satisfied. You should be thankful.
"It's done." Alice Longbottom said as Frank checked the perimeter, making sure no muggles had happened upon the scene and witnessed anything confusing. "You can breathe now, it's over."
"It's over." Sirius repeated and Remus was stunned to see a manic grin on his face. "We finally did it."
Sirius looked up at Remus, practically beaming. Remus did his best to smile back and thought that he'd gotten away with it for a moment. That the grimace on his face passed for satisfaction. Sirius' smile faltered, though, and a question formed in his eyes. Remus just shook his head. He did not know how to answer. To his credit, Sirius nodded once and let the moment pass. Remus was sure he'd be properly questioned later, but having the sort of breakdown that he felt building in front of a crowd of aurors was simply not going to happen.
"What happens now?" He found himself asking Alice.
"We take him into the Ministry. We'll hold him there pending trial. It will likely be quite fast. The Ministry will be chuffed to get this behind them."
"And us?"
"Now? Well, if you want to play on the swing set I suggest grabbing your kid." Frank joked, appearing at his wife's side. He winced when Remus did not laugh. "Right. Er. Sorry. Time and a place to joke and all that."
Alice rolled her eyes at her husband. "The Ministry will contact you if we need witness statements. It should be fairly clear that he was with them though. He's got the Dark Mark plain as anything. They may need your confirmation, Black, that he was Secret Keeper and not you. Not that it really matters at this point, but can anyone corroborate that?"
"The only other people who knew about it when we made the switch are dead or in your custody." Sirius said. "Just little old me."
"That's fine. Doesn't really matter, like I said."
Remus couldn't help the pang of resentment at that reminder. If only they had trusted each other a little more during the war. If only they had been more open with each other. More honest. More... Just more . Maybe things could have been different.
"Is this all my fault?" Remus asked late that night when he and Sirius sat on the roof after putting Harry to bed. His lungs felt heavy with smoke from the joint they'd been sharing, but rather than calm him, it fixated him on the simple truth he'd realized.
"Sorry?"
"I was just thinking about what Alice said. About if others knew about the Secret Keeper change. I can't help but think that if I weren't a werewolf that-"
"That what? That you could have single handedly changed the tide of a war?"
"That you would have trusted me more. That those doubts wouldn't have been there- the thought
that I might betray all of you. Betray them ."
Sirius exhaled loudly and leaned against the side of the house beside their bedroom window. " Remus, " He started in a broken voice. "I... I'm too bloody stoned for this conversation." "No you're not."
"Wish I was." Sirius mumbled, but stubbed out the barely smoked joint and spoke without looking at him. "Ok. You've got my attention. So you think that if you weren't a werewolf then Peter would have never betrayed his friends and James and Lily would still be alive?"
"That's not what I- Look. That's why you thought I might've been the spy, isn't it? Back then? Why you didn't tell me that you'd changed it; gave yourself that extra layer of protection in case you were too close to the leak? Who can trust someone who lies to the world about what he is? Maybe he's been the monster the whole time. It's so simple."
"Merlin's beard, Remus. It's. It's been eight years."
"Are you telling me you don't remember?"
"I'm..." Sirius started, picking at the outer hem of his trousers. "No, of course not. I remember. I'm telling you that I was wrong. That I let fear take over. That I self-sabotaged like I always do and brought you and James and Lily right down with me."
"You're not the victim right now." Remus reminded him bluntly but not unkindly. "We can talk about that, too, but I need to work through this, first."
"That's... Fair." Sirius blinked. "Alright, Moony, that's fair."
"So that was it, then? You thought I was the spy because I was a werewolf?"
"Yes and no. Things were so tense back then, do you remember? I felt like I could only trust the information I saw with my own eyes. People kept dying on our side. It felt- It felt unwinnable. Merlin, but James and Lily were so scared, locked away in that little cottage. I visited as much as I could, but they were so isolated and I felt so paranoid for them. And then you'd come back after being gone for weeks on one of Dumbledore's missions, and you couldn't tell me where you'd been or why or when you'd go away again and I guess... It just seemed bad."
Remus felt his heart pounding desperately away in his chest. Each thud felt like it rattled his very essence, like it had taken up a solemn duty to beat him soundly from within his ribcage. It was too much. He'd known it all along. Hadn't even tried to bury it too deeply, simply mentally kicked more dirt and brush over the thought every time it resurfaced all these years. To bury it completely
was to doubt it, and he realized now that the truth had always been with him.
His head felt foggy in a way that wasn't just the weed, but something more malicious. Less malicious? It was helpful, in a way, for his mind to shut down now. To protect him from the pain of this reality. It reminded him of his last few moments of consciousness every month- before his body surrendered to the pull of the moon and the wolf shook off his control with a great ripple of fur and final tear of skin. The relief didn't come, though. The relief of being separate from his mind, of releasing himself into the simplicity of the wolf and its uncomplex desires.
Pack. Run. Hunt. All easily done.
His thoughts were rambling. Tearing through a complicated course that twisted and doubled back, touching every point once, twice, then again and again without pulling any meaning from the things he considered. His being pulsed with two words, over and over, wrapping themselves around every part of him. Vines that knotted about his bones and locked in his always aching joints. His fault.
His Fault His Fault His Fault His Fault His Fault His Fault His Fault His Fault His Fault His Fault.
Vaguely he realized that someone was saying his name.
Remus. Remus. Moony.
"Hey, there you are. I lost you for a minute. Are you with me, Remus?" Sirius' worried face swam in his vision. Warm hands on the side of his clammy face. "Breathe with me, alright? Nice and slow, there we go. You've got it."
There was an old myth Remus had heard once, when he was just a child learning to deal with the ever present pull of the moon. He'd gone through a bit of a research binge, secretly reading every book in the library on werewolves. They were all useless, of course. Stories of monsters and murder. More often than not the "cure" for lycanthropy, as they suggested, was the end of the wolf. At that age he hadn't yet considered that to be a viable solution. There was one myth, though, that he always went back to. One that suggested that a werewolf would turn back only when someone who loved him spoke his name. He'd lingered on it. Longed for it. For someone to call him back to the most human part of himself with just love and his name.
It was wishful thinking. That wasn't how lycanthropy worked and he knew it. But, after his third year at Hogwarts, Sirius would be there. Every morning. Calling his name and welcoming him back home to his skin and mind and self. Maybe there was some truth to it, after all.
"It was not your fault, though," Sirius continued. "You did not get them killed. Do you hear me? You being a werewolf did not cause their deaths, I want to be very clear on that. James would frankly be pissed off if he heard you even suggest it. We keep reminding each other of this, and I'll remind you forever if I need to, but it can be Peter's fault. It is Peter's fault. He's the one who chose to betray them. He's the one who thought of his own skin and damned the consequences. We don't need to suffer for it anymore, Remus. You don't need to suffer. It's over now, love. It's over."
"Okay." Remus said quietly, overcome with the emotions of the day. The words had truth in them.
They were the same words he'd said himself to Sirius many times before. Maybe someday he'd believe them. For tonight, though, they were enough to step him back from that mental edge. To loosen the jaws of panic enough that he could wriggle his way out of its grip, though he could still feel its phantom teeth around his ribcage.
Still, the image lingered. He couldn't get over it. That last impression of Peter burned in his memory. Not hot and searing, but cold. Icy and just as damaging. A freeze brand in his conscience. He had looked so... so weak. A pathetic little man. And that's what this all came down to.
"Can I ask you something?" Sirius said hesitantly after a long while, quietly, like he half hoped Remus wouldn't hear him though they were right next to each other and the night was still and silent.
"It can be your turn now." Remus said, his voice still rough from panic though the worst had passed.
"The reason you thought I was the spy. It's because of my family, wasn't it? Because I am a Black."
"Yes." Remus did not have the energy to sugarcoat it, to blunt the edge of the stabbing word.
Sirius nodded his head, his fears confirmed though his gray eyes were empty of any shadow of blame.
"Ready to go inside?" Sirius asked and extended his hand towards Remus. Remus took it without hesitation, squeezing tightly. His heart thrilled a bit when Sirius squeezed back with just as much strength.
They'd be all right, after all. They'd get through this. The worst had passed.