The illumination inside the chapel mirrored that of my home; meticulously placed tapers providing the only light, their many flames reflecting against stained glass windows that left me in awe- not a state I often experienced. I could not help but be moved by the fragile beauty created by the mixture of color, fire, and light. The heels of our boots clicked deliciously on the stone floor as we stepped over refracted ghost images of the sacred illustrations so skillfully portrayed in the glass windows. The echo of our movements made the fact that we were completely alone in this breathtaking sanctuary all the more clear.
I was a reasonable man, always able to control my passionate urges. I'd never had an opportunity to fulfill the desires that raged through my veins, as it was. Though, self-control was growing increasingly difficult to maintain as I calculated the circumstances of the evening. Christine with me, guiding me to some 'surprise', her hand never leaving my own, the lone souls in an exquisitely silent cathedral. If I were not careful, my emotions would make me heady with love and the need to kiss her. There was no room in which to lock myself, to cage the beast from the ingenue here, should I reach the verge.
"Thank you," Christine stopped and turned to me, halting our progress up the nave. "It means so very much to me that you consider my opinions to be important, Erik."
Only when she moved to cup my unmasked cheek did I begin to tremble, my breath faltering. I had expected to simply burn to cinders as I stepped over the church threshold, as I was such an abomination to the Divine in whose glory it had been erected.
"You see, there is nothing you can not do." And, as if she cut into my very thoughts, "No one will look at you with scorn here, Erik. Not me, not God."
A wave of discomfort tinged with joy- such a strange but not unwelcome combination of emotion- washed through my soul, and I offered her an expression that could not fail to be interpreted as gratitude. "I wish I could be so certain of that, Christine. Yet, God has not chosen to grant me any assurance of his high regard for me. So, we resolved to end our correspondence decades ago."
Her thumb coursed over the line of my jaw and I automatically relaxed into her caress, my eyes closing at the intoxicating sensation. Every inch of my flesh burned sweetly as her fingers roved; she was leaving an invisible path of desire across my bare cheek. Yet, rejection flared in her eyes. My comments had obviously wounded her. Well, I was prone to spoiling every delicate moment between us- nothing had changed. I had once again surrendered to my cynical pride, when I ought to have prostrated myself at her feet.
"You have built this fortress around your heart. . .I can never be sure of your thoughts or feelings. . .these walls of yours are insurmountable." It was at that moment that she finally began to cry. I was baffled. "I have tried to reach you, give you some happiness. . .it is useless, isn't it?" Her loving hand dropped limply from my face, curling into the folds of her skirts. "Erik, why won't you let me in?"
Why won't you let me in. . .