hold on to this lullaby

by lilralien

raise

6. 26-31

Hold on to this lullaby26-31

Chapter 26

Chapter Notes
CW for a conversation about Sirius' abusive family. Nothing detailed.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Months passed since what Remus referred to in his head as The Day in the Park . They were returning back to their routine, for the most part, the exception being long meetings at the Ministry to talk about the Pettigrew case. Remus was exhausted from rehashing the war, from digging through his worst memories of betrayal and deceit and all the gut roiling tension that made him feel sick to his very core. He just wanted it to be over.

Fortunately, it looked like it almost was. The Ministry wanted an easy win here. Everyone did. They were eager to put this war behind them, to make an example of Pettigrew and prove their own power in doing so. It seemed, despite having worked secretly for the Death Eaters, Peter did not make enough friends in high places amongst their ranks to help him out now that he was caught. If he were a better man, Remus might feel sorry for him.

He still felt guilt. Miserable guilt for not catching Peter's betrayal before it had cost James and Lily their lives. For not noticing the toll the war had taken on Peter, that it had driven him so far past what anyone should be capable of. For nearly letting him get Harry.

Right now, though, all he wanted to do was have a pleasant evening with his child and partner. He closed the front door behind him and it was clear before he even took off his shoes that the evening was going to be... less than pleasant.

"It doesn't matter. I'm probably too stupid to get in, anyway. They're only going to let me in there because of who my mum and dad were." Harry said, in the midst of an argument with Sirius.

Remus exchanged a quick glance at Sirius and then looked back at Harry.

"You're not stupid, Harry." Sirius said on top of Remus' "Hello. Where is this coming from?"

"I didn't even know that I was talking to a bad guy the other day. He's the one, isn't he? I heard you talking once when you thought I was asleep. He's the one who is responsible for my parents being dead."

Sirius' eyes widened further and he exhaled a long, low sigh, as if forcing all the air out of his breath in the hopes that clear lungs would help him find an answer.

"That's right, Harry." Remus said, looking Harry in the eye. If Harry knew the truth of who Peter was, then there was no hiding it. "His name was Peter Pettigrew and he was a spy for Voldemort during the war. Not knowing he was a bad man doesn't make you stupid, though. Sirius and I didn't know he was a bad man until far too late. Your parents didn't know he was a bad man either, no one did. He is a very good liar."

"He said he was their friend. Was that a lie, too?" Harry rounded on Remus. The boy should really become a barrister, he was just as intense as the Ministry officials Remus had just been speaking to.

"That's... Complicated." Remus admitted. "He was our friend for a very long time. I'm not sure when he stopped being our friend and started being something else."

"And they really never knew?"

"James would have been insulted to even hear the suggestion that one of his friends was disloyal." Remus said, glancing at Sirius. This wasn't the time to mention exactly how true that statement was. To bring up the distrust that loomed, dark and choking, between the two of them in those awful months. Luckily Sirius seemed to be on the same page.

"You're a brilliant boy. Hogwarts will be lucky to have you when it's time, son." Sirius added. "Dont!" Harry snapped suddenly, bristling away from them. "I'm not your son though, am I?

You're not my real dad. He's dead . He's dead and the man who killed him came back for me!" The air in the room went still and stale, like someone had slammed every window closed and

pulled all life from it.

"You're right, I'm not." Sirius said. "I wish he were here with everything I have. I do love you though, with every ounce of my being. And I'll be on your side whether you're reaching for my hand or shoving me away in embarrassment. I'm afraid you're stuck with me, kiddo."

"We'll keep you safe, Harry. Peter is going to go away for a long time for what he did. They're going to send him to Azkaban. To the wizard prison that no one can escape from. He can't hurt us anymore."

"I just-" Harry sniffled and wiped at his nose with his sleeve. "Everyone always says that I'm like them. That I'm like my parents. Even the person who got them killed tried to come back for me. What if that's all I am? What if nobody ever sees me? I didn't even know them and it seems like everyone I meet expects me to be them. "

The boy deflated visibly and Remus resisted the urge to pull him tightly into his arms and promise that everything would always be okay. He wanted to swear that he'd fight the world for Harry. That he'd light up every shadow, check behind every corner and under every bed for any dangers. That he'd shield him from every bad thing there was in this world. Oh, how we wanted to do those things. To make sure that Harry would never feel scared or sad or disappointed again in his life. He'd gone through enough, through more than enough already.

An empty promise wouldn't comfort him now, though, as much as Remus wished it would. As much as Remus wished it could be the truth.

Sirius sat down on the armchair facing Harry, lowering himself to Harry's level to make eye contact without being condescending.

"Now I know I don't talk about my family much. You don't really know anything about them, and I don't want to go into it much, not now, but I will say that they weren't the nicest people. There was a lot of pressure placed on me, as a boy, to be what they expected me to be. What the world expected me to be. A proper Black. That wasn't what I wanted, though. I wanted to be something different, someone different. I wanted to be me. And that's what I did. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, Harry, to toss aside people's expectations of who you are. Sometimes when someone has an idea of you before they meet you they hold onto it tight and don't want to see the truth of it. But you know who you are and if you hold on to that just as tightly they'll come around.

"You can't see your mum and dad to talk to them about this, but you can feel them right in your

heart. You do know them, Harry. They'll always be with you, kiddo, just like they live on in Remus and I. I can see them in you, too. You do look an awful lot like your father. And your eyes are so similar to your mum's. But you look exactly like yourself. You are Harry Potter and that is a special thing.

"But I also see Remus in you when you're curled around one of your books. I see myself in you when you tell us off for making you go to bed when you think it's too early. You're like James when you protect others without thinking, like Lily when you choose to be gentle to those who need a little extra love.

"You are so important for being you, not for something that happened to you as a baby. You are important for who you will be in the future. You're important for who you are now. You don't have to live up to some sort of pressure, Harry. There is none. Your Moony and I love you with everything we have and that will never change. You'll make everyone see that."

Harry nodded his head sharply. "Promise?"

"With all my heart, Harry. You are you and nobody else. And that's the best person anyone could be."

"You handled that brilliantly." Remus said later that night, glancing down from his book. He couldn't move very much lest he upset the delicate balance of the paperback held carefully open in one hand, his elbow pressed into the couch's plush arm for support. His other hand was too busy stroking Sirius' hair to be of much help. The long gentle waves sprouting from the head in his lap were silken against his fingers.

"Mmm." Sirius grunted, noncommittal, pretending to be utterly absorbed in the Daily Prophet's latest crossword.

That was okay. Harry had calmed down, comforted by Sirius' words, and gone to bed hours ago. The fire crackled gently in the fireplace. He could smell tea still wafting warmly on the coffee table, sticky sweet with perfectly too much sugar, the savory richness of crackling, burning wood, and something distinctly Sirius. Remus shifted slightly, not wanting to disturb the comfortable scene, but the ache in his hip was starting to grow just past the point where he could ignore it as the bothersome joint urged him to move it. Sirius moved from his lap wordlessly, flopping down on his back against the other arm of the chair and stretching out so that there was a Remus sized space between his legs and against his chest. Remus took the offered spot and stretched his legs up on the opposite couch arm, feeling his hip celebrate at the new position. Sirius set the newspaper aside and massaged gently at Remus' hip, knowing what the problem was without being told.

"I'm glad he felt safe enough, you know. With us. To melt down like that. To test his place here and know he'd be supported. Even with everything I did when I was a kid, I would've never said anything like that to Orion. He would've blown up. It would've gone so badly. And he was my real father, whatever that means."

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." Remus quoted at him from his book. Sirius pinched him lightly and continued rubbing at Remus' hip as if the repeated action helped him speak.

"I've worried, you know," Sirius said, "that I would be like him. React like he would. Treat Harry that way if he ever behaved too badly. Repeat the cycle, as it were."

"Sirius," Remus said slowly, "I love you with my whole heart, but you would never get the chance

to treat Harry like your father treated you. I wouldn't let you. Besides, worrying about it shows already that you're a different man than he was."

"You'd leave me, then? If I was the kind of father he was? Take Harry yourself?" "On the side of the road like a bad dog without a second thought."

"Good." Sirius said with a smile and Remus could tell that he meant it. Sometimes there was comfort in knowing that a hard line was drawn, that it existed even though you'd never dream of crossing it.

"Fortunately for all of us we are not our fathers." Remus said, tossing the book at the coffee table and taking Sirius free hand to hold between his own. He had such lovely, long fingers. Soft hands. Perfectly shaped nails. They were bare now, unembellished, but Remus had the sudden urge to paint the nails black like they'd been for their later years at Hogwarts. If for no reason but the pleasant memory of it. "I'm glad too, though. That he brought that up today. It's good to know what's bothering him. It's good to try and help."

"It's so much pressure for him," Sirius continued. "I hadn't really thought about it before, but he's right. Every time we introduce him to someone they talk about how he looks like James. How he has Lily's eyes. People stare at the damned scar on his forehead, even the wizards around here who've known him practically his whole life. He has such a responsibility placed on him for something that happened when he was too young to even remember it."

" 'Merlin, thank Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived,' " Remus quoted. "Do you remember that morning on the Knight Bus? Tucking him into your robes to keep him safe from prying eyes. Everyone celebrated his name, yelling it in the streets. It was awful."

"Sometimes I want to hide him back in my robes and keep him there forever." Sirius admitted. "He'll prove to everyone that he's a person outside of the legend. That he's not just something that happened to him when he was young. That he isn't his parents."

"Like you did?"

"Like I did." Sirius grinned. "At least everyone loved James and Lily. It's a better reputation to come from."

"He's going to be okay?"
"He's going to be okay. He's Harry Potter. And we're here to help, whenever he needs us."

Chapter End Notes
Remus quotes from "The Importance of Being Earnest" by Oscar Wilde.

What was it like to not fear being swallowed down,

down,

Chapter 27

Spring is a season of rebirth. Of new growth slipping out of cold, damp earth, pushing past layers of decay and stagnation into something bright and new. Something clean. Something fresh. The earth shivers off her blanket of snow and sleet and welcomes life back in. In the Spring of 1990, Peter Pettigrew was convicted of aiding and abetting the murders of James and Lily Potter and the attempted murder of their infant son, Harry.

It was a cold morning, the day Peter was sent off to Azkaban. Remus sat on the front stoop of his cottage and watched the early fog rise up in the front garden. It created a misty sort of vignette of the fields and town beyond, shrouding them in a dream-like haze, making their details blurry and unspecific.

He wondered if it was just as foggy on the North Sea. If Peter would see Azkaban and it's island looming as it came ever closer. If his heart would be thudding rapidly in his chest, a trapped mouse throwing itself in a panic against a rattling cage of ribs, desperate for escape. If he would see the massive shape of it, a towering void slowly, steadily, ceaselessly growing in size until Peter was covered by its shadow. Or would the morning mist obscure it? Would the sea seem empty? A desolate expanse of endless water, unbroken until he reached the rocky island that would encase and enclose him, appearing as if from thin air. As if from nowhere at all.

Sirius sat beside him and Remus startled slightly at his sudden presence. He hadn't heard the front door open, hadn't felt the swish of air as it closed or noticed the gentle slap of bare feet against stone porch. He did feel the warmth of the mug of tea that was pressed into his palms wordlessly. Or, he thought it was wordlessly. He hadn't heard any sound beyond the gentle song of morning birds carried slowly in the muffled air. Hadn't paid attention beyond that. Steam rose off the mug in lazy spirals to join the mist around them as if the whole world floated on the surface of some great cuppa.

Surely he did not know the answer to that. To not feel the threat of some gaping maw lurking out there in the mist, ready to take everything and everyone away? Did anyone?

Remus wasn't sure how long he sat like that, staring out into the still air. He blinked and became aware that Harry was there now, too, running, gleefully being chased by a big, black, bear-like dog. Harry was laughing, he realized. Great big peals of laughter, totally confident and un-self- conscious of the sound. And the dog barked merrily back at him, nipping harmlessly at Harry's heels, teeth closing on nothing but air. Padfoot was a gentle creature.

The tea in his hands was cold. Steam had run away with the morning fog. He breathed deeply. He took a sip.

"Again! Do it again!" Ron Weasley urged months later in another garden. Sirius smiled, face barely lit by the campfire at The Burrow.

down...

"Alright, here's a big one," Sirius said and sent a spark of flame from his wand to a small pile of colored powder a good score of feet away. The powder hissed and popped before streaking into the sky with a loud bang and burst of color. Red streams of light whizzed across the sky, exploding into dozens of starbursts.

The children cheered, voices louder than the chorus of crickets and frogs that sang through the warm summer night. The fireworks, it seemed, were a big hit.

"And the muggles know how to make these too?" Arthur Weasley asked. "I've heard they have their own."

"Don't worry, Arthur," Sirius said with a wink. "I grabbed a few muggle fireworks, too, so you can see 'em first hand. Check this one out."

Sirius handed a sparkler to the Weasley patriarch and Arthur looked over the coated metal stick curiously. Sirius lit the tip with his wand and Arthur gasped in joy as it threw little sparks like a captured star at the end of his stick.

"Fascinating!" Arthur said and waved it around in a series of complicated twirls, mesmerized by the streak of light. Immediately, Sirius was surrounded by a gaggle of red headed children and one bespectacled boy with dark hair who all begged for a sparkler of their own.

"Alright, alright, there's enough for everyone. Don't pretend you don't want one, Moony, get over here."

Remus chuckled and rolled his eyes, but got up and joined the fray.

"Boys! Don't hit each other with them!" Molly warned, catching Fred with his wand already in jabbing position. Ginny smacked Percy with hers, making him call out a drawn out "muuuuum" of complaint. "Ginny! What did I say?"

"You just said the boys!" Ginny said with a pleased grin.

"She did get you there, Molly." Sirius laughed. Molly scowled but grabbed one of her own.

"It's like a wand," Harry said in awe, moving the sparkler slowly.

"Just one more year and you'll have one of your own." Remus promised.

"Yeah?" Harry smiled widely, the flickering light dancing brightly in his green eyes. "Yeah, I will, won't I?"

"Go on, go play with your friends," Remus said, looking over to where a small crowd of children had gathered once more around Sirius. His partner was making a spectacle of spinning the sparkler around on his fingers quickly. Remus had to smile, remembering how Sirius used to do that with his wand back at Hogwarts. Oh, Sirius had thought that he was so impressive with the trick. So cool.

"Pads, is a burning hot muggle toy really the best thing to encourage children to spin around their very inexperienced, very burnable fingers?"

"Probably not," Sirius admitted with a grimace and continued hopefully. "But that's what burn salve potions are for?"

"No."

"Yeah, didn't think so. Alright, Moony's right, you've got to be perfect at the spinning thing with a stick before I hand you another sparkler. Show it to me first, eh?"

That wasn't entirely what Remus meant, but luckily the sparklers did not last for very long and the kids moved on to other mischief soon enough. The night was warm and the moon was thin and Remus couldn't bring himself to worry too much about anything as silly as child's play. Just like the quick flash of fireworks, summer nights only burned for so long.

Chapter Notes

Chapter 28

CW: This chapter is Halloween Heavy with all that entails for this fandom. A brief yet descriptive paragraph on alcoholism. There is detailed grounding of a character after a panic attack near the end. This is the last bit of heavy angst for the rest of the fic. If you have any specific questions about warnings you can message me on tumblr by the same username!

I did promise a happy ending and we're getting to it!

The photo album came out in the morning, just after breakfast, like it had for so many years now. They'd gone through the entire thing multiple times, by now. It was lucky that Remus had liked to take pictures of his friends, preferring in his teenage angst to be the one behind the camera rather than in front of it. It meant less pictures of himself, but plenty of James and Lily. There were, of course, photos of Remus in the album, too. Most of them were ones he recalled being forced into by Sirius. In some of the moving pictures his little figure tried to scurry out of frame, only to be yanked out by a firm arm around his waist. James was usually laughing in those pictures. Others had him standing solemnly, looking gaunt and weary as the wars rose on.

A picture of the Order of the Phoenix was of particular interest to Harry this year.

"Those are Neville's parents!" Harry pointed at Alice and Frank Longbottom. "And that's Mad Eye looking like he's going to eat them standing behind them. And Hagrid! And Professor McGonagall!" Harry smiled as he pointed out the people he recognized. "Those guys look sort of like an older Bill Weasley."

"That makes sense," Sirius said. That's Gideon and Fabian Prewett. They were Bill's uncles. Molly Weasley's brothers."

"Were?" Harry asked tentatively, "What happened to them?"

"Well, the er- well, the war did."

"But what?"

"We'll tell you when you're older, Harry." Remus cut in. "I'm sorry but you are too young to hear about things like that."

"You're always saying that," Harry said crossly, "When am I going to be old enough?"

"Love, I was too young when I saw it happen." Remus said gently. "I wish more than anything that I hadn't seen it. That someone had told me that I was too young."

"It was really scary, then? The war?"

Remus thought back to the exhilaration of the fights. The camaraderie of being with his fellows in arms, the sense of accomplishment when a mission went over well, the horrible sound a body made when it hit concrete. The slow, suffering agony that Gideon and Fabian experienced. First

one. And then the other. The feeling that he couldn't trust anyone. That he couldn't trust his own mind. That everything, everything, was one breath away from being lost.

"Yes." Remus said. "It was really scary."
*

"I've been thinking, too, Moony." Sirius said later that night after Harry was long asleep in bed. They'd been laughing, curled around one another on the sitting room couch, reminding each other of some of the bawdier tales associated with those same pictures. "About that Halloween. About what I would have done if you hadn't been there. If you hadn't stopped me. I was just. I was so mad. Properly mad with it. With everything. I think I would have hunted him down. I think I would have killed him. I think it might've been me in Azkaban now. It so easily could have been."

Flashes of that reality lit Remus' mind in quick bolts like lightning. It could have gone in that direction so, so easily. He could see it so clearly. Clearer than anything. Clearer than the books scattered on the old piano and the half finished puzzle on the coffee table and anything else in front of him now.

Lily didn't call out to them through the mirror that Halloween night. Remus fell asleep on the couch in their old London flat, pleasantly full of butterbeer and relieved that they'd finally had a good day. A day of peace and candy and good jokes with old friends. A day that felt like something normal. Something in the earlier years of the war, at the very least, not the harsh isolation and tension that they'd all become used to. He was so relaxed that he didn't notice when Sirius started to get antsy. When Sirius started to doubt. Doubt so strongly that he had to go see for himself. Sirius had to see what was wrong, because something was definitely wrong. Call it a dog's intuition, but he certainly felt it.

Remus stayed asleep on the couch. He didn't move until morning when the green flash of the floo made him startle awake.

"McGonagall?" The sight of his former teacher in his sitting room made him come fully awake more quickly than he ever had.

"Where is Sirius?" She asked in a clipped voice. Remus felt a confused sort of terror build in him when her voice wavered with some barely suppressed emotion.

"I- I don't know." He looked around the little flat in confusion. "He was here when I fell asleep, he must have stepped out for a minute. Couldn't have been gone for long."

"We have to find him."

"Is he in danger?" Remus grabbed his wand and threw on a jumper to shield him from the cold, early morning, October air. No, the cold first of November air. October had ended last night as he slept. "What's going on, Minerva?"

He would never forget her face.
"The fidelius charm was compromised. I am so sorry, Remus. James and Lily are dead."

Remus felt the words hit, but it was like being hit with a pillow. A soft thud with no real impact. Those words in that order didn't make sense. He understood them individually, of course. He knew who James was, who Lily was. He understood the concept of death. The word "and:" a conjunction. He even understood the word "are." A verb. The third person plural present tense of the verb be. To occupy a position in space. To stay in the same condition. Something firm.

Unchanging. A simple word, three letters. Are.

But: James and Lily are dead. No. The words certainly couldn't be conjugated like that. The semantics didn't work. It simply didn't make sense. It was a sentence he'd heard too often, in various combinations. Gideon and Fabian Prewett are dead. Marlene Mckinnon is dead. Benjy Fenwick is dead. Dorcas Meadowes is dead. A sentence repeated too often until it lost all meaning, until the words ceased to sound like words. James and Lily are dead. . . This new combination just did not work.

"Harry survived." McGonagall continued and there those words made sense. They were comprehensible. Of course Harry survived. Of course he was alive, why wouldn't he be? Remus' brain floated loosely around the flat. Untethered. It didn't make sense. "Remus," McGonagall continued more slowly than before. "We need to find Sirius... He could be in danger."

That brought Remus back to his body with a resounding snap. Her tone was off. There was something of a lie to her voice. He knew so much about lying, he'd had to conceal so much his entire life. Remus could sense when someone was hiding the truth.

"You think he had something to do with this." Remus accused. A flat voice. Not a question, despite the uptick in his voice at the end of the sentence as he broke. Spy. An unhelpful voice inside him whispered. Spy. He was the Secret Keeper. He knew. He knew.

"We need to find him." She said firmly.
They did find him. On a broken street, surrounded by carnage and hissing pipes, half the road

collapsed into a gaping pit. And... by Merlin, were those bodies? Were those muggles?

A man with long, black hair, high cheekbones, and wild gray eyes stared at a single severed finger, lifting up his head as if sensing Remus' presence. The person Remus knew most in the world looked so unfamiliar.

"My fault." He said to Remus and gasped. "It's all my fault."

Sirius Black threw his head back and laughed. An awful sound that spasmed through his body. Laughed until he choked with it.

"Remus." A voice called from far away. "Remus!"

He became aware of weight pressed against his back and around his arms and chest, holding him steady. Oh. He was shaking.

He was shaking and shaking and-

Harry was sent off to live with his muggle aunt and uncle. It was better this way, he'd been told. A stable home to raise the boy and they already had a son Harry's age for him to grow up with. It sounded ideal. A home in some little suburb. Remus imagined a garden and playdates and a dog- NO. No. Remus could not let himself imagine a dog. Some furry, black beast like a Grimm nipping along at Harry's heels. They should have seen it coming. Remus should have seen it coming. The man's animagus was the omen of death, how obvious could the signs have been?

Maybe Harry's new family would be cat people.

He pretended not to remember the rants Lily would go on about how much she hated her sister's boyfriend now husband. He pretended not to remember the snide comments Vernon and Petunia Dursley would make, the way they'd shut down the very idea of magic and pretend like his world

didn't exist. Who would be cruel to a child?
Remus John Lupin had firsthand experience with people who would be cruel to children.

It was easy enough to pretend, at first. To find the peace that tempted him at the bottom of a bottle, that curled a welcoming finger and urged him to take another sip, to drown out his emotions until they stank of firewhiskey and regret. That somewhere, deep inside one of the bottles there would be peace. If not in this one, then perhaps the next.

He sat at the funeral alone.

He ignored it. Ignored the stares, the pitying tight-lipped expressions. It seemed that no one knew what to say to you when your boyfriend murdered your three best friends in the world, tried to kill a baby, and then exploded a street, killing a dozen muggles in the process.

"Remus." Someone said finally. "Remus, come back to me. I'm right here, Moony. You're here."

It didn't make sense. He was at the funeral. He was at James and Lily's funeral and he was alone and... he was sitting with Sirius. Sirius who was wrapped tightly around him. He was on their couch in their little cottage in Tinworth and Sirius was not in Azkaban, Sirius had not been the spy, Sirius was here , and Harry was upstairs and it had been Peter all along and, and, and-

"It's alright, Remus. You're here. You're home. You're safe. Can you talk to me?" Remus tried and all that came out was a shivering whimper. Odd. He could have sworn he was forming words. Was the entire cottage trembling? "Alright, that's alright. That's absolutely okay. No talking needed, alright? I need you to do something for me though, yeah? You don't have to talk, but I need you to name five things you see. Name them and describe them. Can you do that?"

Remus wanted to brush him off, to say that he was fine. To carry on like nothing had happened. But he couldn't quite catch enough breath to make a coherent sound. Ok. Sirius' way, then.

The coffee table. Brown wood. Four legs. Short.

A book. Hardback. He couldn't see the title from here, but it was green.

The Piano. Sirius' piano. Covered in books. Lid closed over the keys. It should get played more.

A puzzle. He and Harry had been working on it. He was certain that Sirius had stolen a piece to torment them and reveal it when they'd nearly completed it.

Sirius' hands wrapped across his chest, holding him tightly. Pale fingers. Long. Strong. Familiar. Safe.

Sirius must have felt him exhale slightly and spoke again. "Done with that? Good. List four things you can touch."

Sirius again. Firm and comfortable behind him. Squeezing just at the edge of too tight.

The couch underneath him. Soft. Familiar pillows.

His woolen socks. He wriggled his toes against the warm fabric. He'd stopped shaking so much.

His jumper. It was one Molly had made and given to him a few Christmases ago. Thick yarn. Worn and frayed slightly at the elbows and wrists.

"Alright, now three things you can hear."

His heart, still hammering in his chest. It had slowed somewhat, though. The beats were fast, but no longer a sustained note. A songbird, not a hummingbird flapping in his chest.

The crackle of wood in the fireplace. It glowed red and orange. Warm colors. So different from the green flash he'd imagined in its place.

Sirius breathing. Slow and steady behind him. So unlike the cackle that terrified him. Different from how he'd laughed and fallen apart in Godric's Hollow years ago. Because that's what had happened. They'd found out together. Not through the floo in his flat. Not on some London street. Not left to struggle alone. They'd helped each other through it together. Constant. Familiar. In and out. He took a deep breath and matched his breathing to Sirius.

"Ready? Two things you can smell."
Firewood. Smokey and pleasant. Thick in his nose in just the right way.

Sirius. The smell of the amortentia brewed in their sixth year Potions class. The posh shampoo that he'd never stopped using. The smell of the woods and starlight and cold evenings cuddled under warm blankets. Maybe a hint of wet dog, if he were being honest, and he was being honest.

"One thing you taste."

The rusty tang of blood. He must have bitten the inside of his cheek earlier. The taste was fading, though and Remus reached for his mug on the coffee table to wash it away. Sirius released him when he realized what he was doing, though he stayed pressed against him warmly. Tethered him to his body.

"Thank you." Remus said, voice raspy, as he set the mug back down after swishing warm tea with far too much sugar and swallowing to chase away the stale taste.

"Always." Sirius promised. "You haven't had one that bad in a long time."

"I thought about it. Got lost in it, I guess. What it would've been like if you'd gone after him that night. If everyone had thought you'd done it. If they'd sent you away."

"Not a great thought." Sirius agreed. "But I'm here. We're okay. You're okay. Harry is asleep upstairs in his bed. We can check on him, if you'd like."

Remus nodded. He knew Harry was safe. He'd look in on him later. "Can you play me some music? On the piano? Please?"

Something soft shifted in Sirius' eyes. "Of course. Yeah, of course I can. Sounds perfect. Any requests."

"Nothing specific. Just you."

Together, they walked to the piano bench. Slowly. Taking their time on the journey, though the instrument was only across the room. Remus closed his eyes and pressed against Sirius' side, letting the clear notes wash over him as Sirius played. He let Sirius take control of their breathing. In when Sirius did and out on his exhale. Allowed himself to sway with the gentle dance as Sirius rocked his body in tune with his fingers stroking along the keys.

The music swirled and swelled and there was comfort in the secret notes that few had heard. Remus was wanted here. He was cherished here. And he wanted and cherished in return.

Chapter 29

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

Remus woke with the feeling of being watched. He opened his eyes with a quick inhale, muscles tense as his groggy brain tried to remember where he'd set his wand the night before. The nightstand? It was probably just there, all he had to do was lunge for it. If he was quick he'd get to it before the other person made a move. Probably.

The eyes watching him were much closer than he'd been expecting, bright and green and directly in front of his face. Remus relaxed back into the mattress with a laugh and a great release of tension. A hissing kettle taken off the flame. He knew those eyes. Of course he did. He'd know them anywhere. He'd known them for as long as they'd existed and then for years before that.

"Harry, the sun is barely even awake, why are you?"

"It's my birthday," the boy said simply, taking a step back so that he was no longer hovering directly over Remus.

"Yes."
"My eleventh birthday." "Yes..."
"There is an owl in our kitchen."

That was enough to rouse Remus. He poked at Sirius, still fast asleep in bed beside him, blankets half thrown off to fight against the late July heat, yet wrapped about his shoulders in search of comfort. How Sirius could always steal most of the blankets and yet discard them was a mystery to Remus and he had never found a solution despite their many years together.

"Sirius," He called in a low voice, dragging out his name in a sing-song way. "Sirius, wake up." "Too early. Open presents later," Sirius grumbled, pulling a pillow over his head. "Sleep now." "Sirius, there is an owl in our kitchen."

Sirius tossed the pillow to the floor and sat upright with a sniff and a stretch, instantly awake. "Happy birthday, Harry. You know, are you sure you're eleven already? I've been doing the math and I don't think that can be right."

"It can't be. That would mean we're getting old. "
"You were born old, Moony," Harry teased, "Can you please get out of bed? Before I turn twelve?" Sirius laughed and the whole bed shook with it.
"Alright, sassy child. Let's go see what this owl has for you."

Harry bounded down the stairs so quickly that Remus wasn't certain his feet even touched the stairs. They very well might not have. The adults followed at a slower pace. Just barely slower, though. Harry's excitement was enough to hurry the laziest snail.

"Easy now, don't scare the owl," Sirius admonished him, but there was no heat to it, "if it flies away how will we ever know the letter is even for you."

Harry turned and gave Sirius a look that was so like one of Lily's signature glares that Remus had to laugh. In turn, the owl, now sitting on the back of the sofa, gave Remus a reproachful look for it. It was definitely a Hogwarts owl. If he didn't know it would be by the day's date, he would be able to tell by the judgemental look in its eyes. Those owls definitely didn't tolerate the silliness of adults as much as they did the antics of children. Frankly, those owls could be downright chilling in their judgement when they wanted to be. He had to suppress a shudder, feeling scolded and amused all at once.

Slowly, as if he could only do this now that he was being watched, Harry reached forward and delicately took the letter from the owl. The owl hooted as if to say "finally, I've been waiting long enough and have other things to do, you know" and gently pecked at Harry's fingers before flying through the sitting room and out the open kitchen window.

"It has my name on it," Harry said, staring down at the envelope. All his earlier excitement had given way to a wave of nervousness. He could have opened this earlier. Could have snuck off to his room and read the letter in secret. He could have just opened it here, in the sitting room, and run upstairs to wake Moony and Padfoot by announcing its contents. This, though, was something special. This was something to be opened with family, something to be shared. It wasn't every day a child received their Hogwarts letter.

"It does. Go on," Sirius urged gently, "Open it. Let's see what it says."

Harry meticulously tore the paper around the wax seal closing the envelope, careful not to break the red smudge. Even from a distance of a few feet away Remus could tell that it had the Hogwarts crest pressed firmly into the crimson wax. This really was it, then. Harry read the letter silently, slowly absorbing every word. His eyes danced cautiously across the page. Pride was too small a word to describe the warmth that burst through Remus' chest and spread through his body while watching Harry. He chanced a glance away from the boy to Sirius and could see what he imagined was a matched set to his own expression mirrored on his partner's face.

He wished that James was there to see this. That Lily was. He wasn't sure if they could be more proud than he felt right now, but surely they would match his feelings. He could picture it so clearly. James pacing nervously back and forth across the sitting room, running a hand through his wild hair as if to smooth it down, though he would only succeed in making it look even messier. Lily perched on the back of the sofa, reading the letter over Harry's shoulders, unable to wait even a moment, far too eager to experience the moment alongside him. Oh, they would have loved this. Remus knew this and felt it with his whole body and yet... And yet it didn't hurt so much. It felt good to know that this would have made them happy. It was a beautiful thing to think about, to imagine their joy. For what were those imaginings if not snippets of real moments of happiness in their lives? They'd known love and joy and excitement so many times. That was how he could imagine them so clearly. How he could know exactly how they would have reacted and when. He'd loved them and they'd loved him in return. And wasn't there something beautiful about that? Wasn't there some sort of peace in that knowledge? Some comfort in knowing they were real and they were loved and they'd given him Harry. That he had this wonderful gift, this beautiful boy to raise and care for and worry about for the rest of his life and perhaps beyond.

"Well?" Remus prompted, though he could tell what the letter said by the jubilant expression on Harry's face. He was practically glowing.

"I'm going to Hogwarts!"

"Of course you are! There was never any doubt! Any kid of James and Lily's was going to get their letter. You're brilliant, Harry. You've been showing magic since you were a wee thing making sparks with James' wand." Sirius spouted in glee.

"I know, but there's a difference between knowing something and knowing something, you know?" Harry said.

"I think I've parsed out what you mean, yes." Remus chuckled in amusement at the convoluted sentence. "Do you know what this means?"

"What?" Harry and Sirius asked at the same time.

"Birthday trip to Diagon Alley!"

He wasn't sure who was more excited at that news: Harry or Sirius.

"Can I send an owl to Ron and Neville first? I want to let them know I got my letter!"

"Of course," Sirius agreed and went to whistle out the kitchen window for his owl to return from wherever it had been hunting during the night.

"And breakfast first," Remus added, "I'll make pancakes. You know, you'll learn how to properly levitate things in your first year."

"I'm never living that down, am I?"
"Never ever," Sirius called from the kitchen, "There's still a syrup stain on the ceiling." "I'm going to learn a cleaning spell and get rid of that." Harry promised.
"Don't you dare." Remus warned. "I want to frame it."
"He was so little, Moony. Do you remember how tiny his shoes were?"
"And that first little broom you bought him," Remus tutted, "How did you get so big?"

" Moony," Harry complained, smoothing back the hair that Remus had just ruffled. The gesture looked so much like James. Remus remembered again with a jolt the years where James was constantly playing with his hair. Teasing it with his fingers and smoothing it back in a way that he thought made him look cool but really just made him seem like a prat. Oh, how he missed him. Oh, how he loved Harry.

Harry grabbed a quill and two scraps of parchment and settled himself in to write his letters at the kitchen table. Sirius put the kettle on and stole fistfuls of chocolate chips from the bag before they could be added to Remus' pancake batter, earning himself a threatening wave of a wooden spoon. Sirius stole another handful the moment Remus' back was turned again and scattered half the chocolate bits on the table for Harry to nibble on with a wink and a finger to his lips as if Remus wasn't perfectly aware of the chocolate theft happening right behind him.

"Can we get ice cream at Fortescue's Parlor?" Harry asked.

"Your mouth is full of chocolate and you haven't even had breakfast yet." Remus pretended to scold and then smiled. "Of course we can!"

Feathers fluttered down seemingly from nowhere and yet simultaneously from everywhere every time the birds hooted, which was often. Remus kept to himself in a corner of Eeylops Owl Emporium. He loved animals, but they did not always return the favor. They sensed the wolf in him, he thought. They felt the presence of a predator and knew to keep their distance. He didn't voice the thought to Sirius, though he often had in the past. Sirius would, as he always did, roll his eyes and tell him "if you just pet the damn things and stopped acting so nervous, they'd like you, Moony. They just get freaked out because you do." There was probably some truth in that, but Remus didn't feel like pressing the issue to find out.

"Hullo, Harry!" a great big mountain of a man said with a smile that was no less charming despite being half hidden by a massive and unruly beard.

"Hagrid!" Harry greeted excitedly.

"Yer dads tell me it's a bid day for you. It's not every day a boy gets his first owl."

Harry spun around to stare at Remus and Sirius, eyes wide as saucers. Remus felt something warm and thick like honey flow in his heart when Harry didn't even flinch at hearing he and Sirius called his dads. "Is that true? Am I getting an owl? My own owl?"

"Hagrid is the expert when it comes to magical creatures. He's here to help you choose one." "It means you'd better send us letters at least once a week, you've got no excuse now, kiddo."

"I promise! Let's go!" Hagrid led Harry through the feathery aisles of the shop, extolling on the differences between species of owl.

"We'll be right outside, Harry."
"Careful, the elf owls might get you." Sirius teased Remus, following him out of the shop.

A good while later, Harry and Hagrid returned. Harry gently carried a cage, careful not to swing it too much lest it jostle the gorgeous snowy white owl inside. She had a certain dignity to her and her intelligent eyes were only for Harry.

"She's a beauty." Sirius said with a low whistle. "Her name is Hedwig!"

"Hedwig? Good, strong name, that." Remus said. A crowd had begun to gather, full of whispers and stares. "Come on, let's get going. You need a wand, too."

Hagrid said his goodbyes and promised, "I've got something fun to show you when you get to school. Keep it quiet though, eh? ... Probably shouldn't have said that."

The people staring continued to increase in number as more gathered to see what was so interesting. Sirius fixed the crowd with a warning glare full of the coldest contempt that only someone raised in a wealthy pureblood family could hope to replicate. They had the sense to disperse a bit, cowered by his stare. It rankled Remus that wizards watched Harry the way they did. Like he was some sort of legend, something in a museum or a zoo for them to ogle and gape at. He knew the consequences of what Harry had done as a baby better than anyone. Of the magic that night that had come from the defeated Killing Curse, the rebound that destroyed Voldemort and ended the war. But he was just a boy. Just an eleven year old boy here to shop for school and have fun on his birthday. They needn't stare at him like that. These people had never even fought in the war, what did they truly know of what Harry had done? What Harry had lost? What he, Remus, had

lost? It made him want to growl.

"I know. Steady now." Sirius warned. It was enough to break through his anger, the fact that Sirius of all people was urging him to be cautious and calm. This was what they did for each other now, he supposed. Their relationship was so different now than from their Hogwarts days. So different from their war days when they'd spur each other onwards, sometimes leaving no one to pump the brakes.

They'd matured. That much was clear. They'd had the chance to grow up when so many of their friends never got the opportunity. He shuddered, thinking about last Halloween. Things in his life could have gone so differently. Remus could have lost everything so very easily. It didn't require much of an imagination to see it. Sometimes it was unbelievable that Harry was still here. That Harry had survived to see his second birthday, much less this, his eleventh.

"Moony?" Sirius said, pressing their foreheads together to look him in the eyes, pushing up on his toes so they were at the same height. "You with me?"

Remus shook off the thoughts like dust beaten off an old rug. "Yeah. Yep. I think it's time someone gets a wand, don't you, Pads?"

And off they went: two men, a boy, and an owl.

The search for the right wand at Ollivander's took a long time, to the point where Remus began to wonder if they'd ever find Harry's match. Remus always felt a bit creeped out by the man, Ollivander, himself, with those silvery eyes that seemed to look right into his very core to stare at his beating heart and then past and through him. The wand that eventually chose Harry set Remus' teeth on edge. Of course it had to have a core from the same phoenix that gave a feather to Voldemort's wand. It had to be the match to the wand that killed Harry's parents, the one that nearly killed him and left him with a scar that made strangers on the street ogle him. It was some hellish form of irony. It bothered him. He hated it. He hated the look in Ollivander's eyes when he handed Harry the wand. The sense of prophecy of it all. And the burden! To place that knowledge on an eleven year old child!

This called for a serious research session into wand lore, at the very least.

And yet. The wand chooses the wizard. That's what they always said, at the heart of the matter. A simple enough phrase at the beginning of any magical education. The wand chooses the wizard.

Remus hoped it made the right choice. Chapter End Notes

Look up elf owls. They're so, so absurdly cute. We're almost at the end now, folks.

Chapter 30

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

August was gentle. Precious in that way that time often is when it is limited. And surely it was limited now. It lingered, time dripping slowly like honey with all of its precious sweetness. And then full days would pass in a blink as if the jar was suddenly upended, elbow bumped to pour out hours, unable to spoon them back.

Remus longed to pause time. To soak in each moment, feel it press into his skin down through muscle and bone to absorb into his marrow and become part of every cell that made up his being. To feel it flowing through his bloodstream, coursing its way through his body until it reached the core of him to make a home in his heart. To keep it safe there. Constant. Close. Where had the years gone? How had this decade of parenthood flown past this quickly? What happened to the giggling baby that nestled into his arms, head tucked snugly beneath his chin? It was hard sometimes to connect that tiny, helpless babe with the opinionated, sarcastic child who he now loved so dearly. It was the same boy, though. Always changing. Always growing. Always becoming someone even more interesting than he was the day before. But he was always himself, that was unmistakable. He was always Harry.

As much as he missed that little baby, Remus truly could not put much power behind any passing desire to stop time. He was too curious. Too in love. He wanted to see the changes in Harry as he grew even further. To meet the man he would become. He was already so proud of that man. So proud of Harry now.

"Moping again, Moony?" Sirius asked, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips. "He's only going off to school, he'll be back for Christmas."

"Oh, like you haven't been whingeing about it even more than I have Mr. Who-Is-Going-To-Play- Quidditch-With-Me-Now."

"It's a fair question, you know what I'm like when I don't get my exercise. Does that mean you'll play?"

Remus snorted in the negative and laughed at Sirius' dramatically crestfallen face. His mouth turned down in an upside down horseshoe and his eyebrows raised pleadingly over those deep gray eyes. Oh, but it tugged at Remus' heartstrings despite the drama of it all. He'd never admit as much to Sirius. Of course, his partner probably knew it already, but why encourage him?

"You," Remus said instead, leaning back to poke Sirius in the chest, "are absolutely a dog. Maybe I'll have to hire a dog walker to take Padfoot out every day, eh? Since you need your exercise and all."

Sirius pouted even further, which did not seem possible, and tried to pull away, but was quickly trapped by Remus throwing his arms around him.

"It was funny and you know it."
"I know no such thing." Sirius sniffed in mock offense.
"I am a comedic genius." Remus pulled Sirius closer, murmuring into his ear.

"Ehhh." Sirius disagreed with great exaggeration. Now it was Remus' turn to pull back and pout. Sirius laughed, that great full body laugh that shook everything bad out of the world, even if just for a moment. He glowed with it. Pure joy and energy radiating from his smile. Remus couldn't help but smile in response. Lips curled upwards by the tidal pull of Sirius' laughter. It was unstoppable. Absolutely contagious. And it had been for as long as Remus could remember, sometimes to his great annoyance. But right now it was all encompassing joy inducing. Remus felt light, despite his nerves about the future. How could he worry when this lovely man was in his arms and laughing?

Besides, Harry starting school was an exciting thing! Remus wouldn't trade his years at Hogwarts for anything. He'd made friends there. For the first time he'd found somewhere he'd felt like he belonged. Remus had found the impossible at Hogwarts: people who found out his secret and did not fear him for it. He had thought people like that didn't exist. That they couldn't exist. His own parents certainly feared him, though they pretended not to. He could see it in the tightness around their eyes. The hesitation in their smiles. Or perhaps, distance whispered to Remus, they feared for him. Fearing what would happen to him if others knew. How the world would cast him aside without a second glance.

Perhaps those fears were all the same in the end.

Remus would miss Harry. He would miss him so much. But he wouldn't begrudge Harry the experience of finding himself at school. Of growing his confidence and abilities. Of making the friends who would last him a lifetime. Perhaps even finding love there, should he wish to.

The cottage shook as the boy himself and Ron Weasley raced down the stairs and out of the house with a "we'll be back before dinner" yelled over their shoulders.

"No running in the house!" Remus scolded automatically and then made a face. Who had he become?

"Careful, Moony, your prefect side is coming back."

"Please, I never yelled at you for running in the castle."

"Are you sure?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." Remus said slowly, suddenly not at all confident.

"Remember just after New Years that year when you literally wagged your finger at me and James for it?"

"You'd knocked over a first year!" Remus said, remembering suddenly.

"We were running from the billywigs! Besides, that first year stopped floating soon enough after the sting wore off. And he didn't seem to mind!"

"The sting that he only got because you knocked him over while running from the billywigs that you released. And might I remind you that giddiness is another symptom of a billywig bite along with the floating."

"Well I-" Sirius started and then paused and changed his tone. "I love how heated you're getting about me running in the school many, many years ago. Once a teacher's pet..."

Remus snorted. "Yeah, yeah, alright, maybe I've always been this way a bit."

"Ah well." Sirius leaned in and kissed him briefly but deeply, sending heat flooding through Remus' body. The warmth of his personal sun. "I do believe we have the house to ourselves for a while Mr. Lupin. Race you to our bedroom? Unless there really is no running allowed in the house?"

Sirius took off running with a wild wink. Remus rolled his eyes, but hurried after him. After all, who could resist Sirius Black in a good mood?

That evening was unremarkable. An evening like so many others. Remus curled up on the couch with his feet tucked under him, book balanced carefully in one hand. The other stroked gently through Sirius' long hair. His fingers slipped through it with no resistance. Smooth and soft and oh so familiar against his skin. Sirius settled in closer with a pleased hum, head in Remus lap, flipping the page of whatever trashy muggle gossip magazine he'd nabbed from the corner store in the village.

Remus set the book down for a moment to grab his mug of tea from the coffee table, not daring to remove the hand in Sirius' hair lest he face his partner's wrath. Or, more likely, a very dramatic disappointed look. The tea was hot, sugar heavy on his tongue to combat the slight bitterness from an over brewed pot. Some day he'd make a cuppa without getting distracted and pulled away from it halfway through the process. Today was not that day. Truly, he was not sure if he wanted to see the day when there was nothing to do but concentrate on boiling water and steeping tea leaves.

Harry was sprawled out on the rug in front of the hearth, feet kicking gently in the air. He was totally absorbed in whatever mystery adventure novel had captured his attention this week. Something about solving puzzles and saving the day drew him right in.

"Hah!" Harry exclaimed, sounding pleased as he dramatically flipped to the next page, eyes scanning quickly across the paragraphs.

"Did you figure it out?" Remus asked.
"Maybe. It's getting complicated, but I think I'm keeping up. It's getting close to the end now." "I hope it turns out alright."
"It will," Harry said confidently. "The good guys always win."

Sometimes they don't, Harry, Remus thought but only smiled and sipped his tea. Hedwig hooted calmly from her perch by the window. Sirius absentmindedly pressed a quick kiss to Remus' hip over his shirt. Harry adjusted his glasses and turned another page.

But sometimes they do.

The tea was sweet on his tongue. Sirius' head was heavy in his lap. The night was warm with a cool breeze playing merrily through the open window. A dark sky, lit only by the stars, did not dare to trouble him. Remus had this. This night. This family. The contentment and acceptance he never dared dream of was now so readily available and freely given.

So many times they absolutely do.

Chapter End Notes

I added one additional chapter to this fic. A fic that diverges from canon on Halloween should have 31 chapters. To honor the date, ya know?

Chapter 31

Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes

The train station was busy. A simple statement that did not quite manage to contain the chaos that threatened to burst out at the seams of King's Cross. How the brick building wasn't bowing out at the sides; how the large glass windows hadn't cracked from all the people and luggage and noise and energy held within was beyond anything Remus could imagine. It held a sort of magic of its own, even here on the muggle side of the station. People rushing to get to their platforms on time, last minute glances at tickets, that familiar frantic pat of pockets while searching for said tickets; the very air thrummed with anticipation.

He didn't know who was more excited: Harry or Sirius. Sirius was practically glowing like the star he was named for. The brightest thing in Remus' sky. The bounce in his step had him nearly skipping through the station. He might just actually start skipping at any moment. Remus didn't put it past him.

"You do know that you aren't going with him, right?" Remus asked.

"Of course I know that, Moony," Sirius said with a roll of his eyes that did nothing to change the smile on his face. "But can't you feel it? It's exciting! Harry's first year at Hogwarts!"

Seeing it through Harry's eyes was its own magic, too.

Harry tugged his own trunk along behind him, insisting that he was too big for them to carry it for him. He reminded Remus of himself at his age with that same stubbornness, but a more confident version. This was a kid who spent his whole life knowing he was loved. Knowing he belonged and that he was welcomed and that he had worth .

"Alright, Harry, go on through," Sirius said when they reached the bit of wall between platforms 9 and 10.

"I thought you were joking," Harry said, eyes wide as he stared at the bricks. They looked concerningly solid, to say the least. Rough and unyielding and absolutely not like something you wanted to walk straight into.

"It's best to get a running start. Go on through and clear the entrance so we don't run into you," Remus encouraged, "We'll meet you on the other side."

Harry adjusted his grip on his owl's cage and raised his chin. That familiar look of determination that reminded Remus so much of Lily, but was absolutely Harry's own expression, darkened his green eyes. He was, after all, entirely himself. With one glance back to make sure his Moony and Padfoot were truly serious, Harry took a deep breath, braced himself and walked right into the brick wall. He slid through effortlessly. The magic welcomed him.

Remus grabbed Sirius' hand and squeezed it briefly as they exchanged a look of pride. Side by side they walked onto Platform 9 34 after their son.

Harry shrunk back against them when they gathered on the magical platform. It was intimidating, certainly, to be surrounded by so many people. So many children rushing past to clamber onto the train. Older students squirming out of their parents' grip, embarrassed at the affection. Younger ones clinging by their sides at the commotion. Remus couldn't help but notice the stares already

aimed in Harry's direction. His wild hair somewhat covered the distinctive lighting shaped scar that cracked across his forehead, but there was no doubt as to who he was. If anyone here knew his parents they would certainly be able to recognize Harry- the spitting image of his father at the same age. And who didn't know James?

He quashed the instinct to pull Harry behind his back. To grab him by the arm and hide him away back home where no one would stare. Where no one would treat him differently because of something that happened to him as an infant. Something he had no control over. Where people would see him as something other than another orphan of the war. Something other than a hero and a war veteran in his own right. He was a child for Godric's sake.

He was all of those things and none of them. He was just Harry. And being just Harry was perhaps the most important thing he could be. Remus would do all he could to ensure Harry got the chance to be just himself, ominous wand pairing be damned.

The Weasley brood came through the wall then, just as perfectly noisy and chaotic as they always were. Percy slipped through first, walking decidedly away from the rest of the bunch with his nose raised slightly in the air. Fred and George chased each other across next. Or was it George and Fred? Remus still could not always tell. The rest of them popped through in a cluster. Ron was the first of that final bunch, followed quickly behind by his mother, Molly, who was pushing a cart overladen with trunks and holding tightly to little Ginny's hand.

Harry left Sirius and Remus' side at a run to talk animatedly with Ron who, petless, seemed very excited to see Hedwig again. Harry's confidence returned instantly upon seeing his best friend.

"We're losing him already," Remus said softly

"Not losing him," Sirius said, "He's just going to have his own adventures now. All the fun and mischief we had at school is his to discover on his own."

"I hope he doesn't get into the same mischief we all did," Remus chuckled, "Hogwarts wouldn't be left standing by the end of it."

"He'll have to make due without the invisibility cloak, at least. I never did get that back from Dumbledore, though I tried."

"And our map. I do wish we could've given that to him. I wonder if Filch ever tossed that thing or if it's still sitting in a drawer somewhere."

"Merlin's beard, the hours we spent making that thing."
"It was a good bit of magic." Remus agreed with a nostalgic smile.

He could see Neville on the platform now, too, being fussed over by his parents and holding a rather large toad. The train would be leaving soon and the little platform was becoming quite crowded. A familiar long braid caught his eye and he turned slightly to see a woman with long sleeves covering strong arms he knew to be well scarred. Sam was talking somewhat awkwardly to a girl in a Hufflepuff tie. But she was there! On the platform rather than watching secretly from a distance. Their interaction seemed a bit uncomfortable, but Sam was beaming despite that. The girl hugged her mother in a quick one-armed squeeze. Remus couldn't help but smile at the sight.

It was strange to be back here, after so many years. To be next to the train that transported him to school, to the place that was home for so long. He knew so many of the people on the platform with him, too. Familiar faces from his time at Hogwarts. All a bit older. Many more scarred and

weary. All caught up in the thrum of anticipation.

There were absences here, too. Though the crowded platform refused to grant any space to the figures that should have been there, Remus felt their presence. James should have been taking photos in between double checking that everything was packed while Lily laughed and beamed. Would Marlene and Dorcas have had a child of their own eventually if they'd been given the time? Surely they would have come to see Harry off. Marlene was his godmother, after all. She would not have wanted to miss this, if she'd still been here. Would gentle Benjy Fenwick have had a partner? Caradoc Dearborne's widow was there to send off their daughter, pressing a kiss to her braided hair before waving her off. The girl had only been around five or six when her father disappeared, long since presumed dead. Did she remember him at all? And those were only a fair few of the missing lives that made the overcrowded space seem suddenly oddly empty.

A loud almost growling scoff beside him pulled his attention back to Sirius.

"I know. Easy now," Remus warned, tracking Sirius' gaze to the Malfoys and their young son, all of whom were resolutely not looking in their direction. There. Just like that it felt too crowded again. People pressing in on all sides.

"Seems like my lovely cousin, Narcissa, doesn't want to pay us a visit. You know, I haven't seen her husband since the war. He looks so different without a mask."

"A whole Death Eater family reunion. Pleasant."

"I saw Goyle here, too. And Crabbe. With their own brats. Nasty looking kids."

"Don't cause a scene in front of Harry. Not right before he leaves."

"And after he's gone?"

"Let me get a good punch in, too." Remus winked and Sirius couldn't help but snort a single dry laugh. It was enough to lighten the tension, if only just a little.

Remus watched the Malfoys load their rather unpleasant looking son into the train and turned away from them, determined to go back to the good mood he'd previously found himself in. Oh, that train. Red and black and rusted just enough to prove its worth. It looked just the same as it did when he was a scared little first year leaving his parents for the first time, worried about the moon and his scars and fitting in with the rest of the class in equal measure. It looked the same as it did when he'd finally made friends and was eager to rush off to school every year after that, barely looking back after clambering inside its welcoming embrace. Some things never changed. There was comfort in that. A deep feeling of safety and hope swirled in bittersweet memories that today seemed to be glazed in honey. The sweet outweighed the bitter.

"I'm gonna go on the train now, ok?" Harry said coming up to them. "Yeah, go grab a carriage with your friends," Sirius said.

"Send us a letter with that beautiful owl of yours. Tonight, ok? Hedwig will know the way. Let your Padfoot and I know what House you got sorted into and that the Giant Squid didn't eat you on your way to school."

"Would it do that?" Harry asked, jumping right past the shock of hearing the phrase Giant Squid when he was heading to inland Scotland to ask the important questions.

"It shouldn't as long as you behave," Sirius teased, ruffling Harry's hopelessly messy hair. "Now

give us a hug and go find your friends."

Harry nodded and hugged them both. Remus squeezed tighter than he probably should have, but Harry was strong enough to handle it with only a mild complaint. Was this really the same little baby he'd pulled out of that wrecked cottage all those years ago? The same toddler who floated sticky pancakes and made a mess in the kitchen? The same little boy who sat in his lap and begged for storytime? The one who built sandcastles on the beach and played quidditch in the garden and slept like a starfish, always taking over his entire little bed?

He was all of those things and so much more. He was James and Lily's son. Remus wished more than anything that they were here today to see him off. Lily would have cried and James very well might have, too. They'd have been so proud of him. He and Sirius were so proud of him. Harry was, more than anything, his own person and Remus couldn't wait to see who he would grow up to be. What lay ahead of him Remus couldn't quite guess, but he knew that he would love that boy no matter what. That he and Sirirus would be there whenever Harry needed them to help him grow and flourish and thrive, just as they had this past decade.

Remus would miss him dearly, though.

"This is about the time we met, all those years ago in that train carriage," Remus said with a fond and nostalgic smile.

"Twenty years now."

"Godric, has it been that long?"

"You were a mess back then."

"You were so posh. Merlin, that accent you used to have. You'd have thought you were going to meet the Queen."

"Maybe I did," Sirius quipped back.

Remus gasped in mock offense and swatted at his chest lightly, "Rude!"

Sirius chuckled and wrapped his arms around Remus simply to hold him close. If he was aware of others on the platform with them, he no longer remembered their presence. It was the two of them, together, as it always had been. As it always would be.

The last door to the train closed with a loud slam and the whistle pierced the air with its sharp song. Remus turned in Sirius' arms to watch the train pull away from the station, determined to wave at Harry until the train was absolutely out of sight. Sirius waved as well with one hand, keeping the other tight around Remus' waist. Through the little window in his carriage, Harry, Ron, Neville, and an eager looking girl with bushy hair who Remus did not recognize waved at their families left behind on the platform.

"And he's off," Sirius said as the train went around a bend, leaving behind just the ghost of its smoke.

"We did it."
"Think ol' Minnie stuck to her word and retired?"

"Absolutely not. She signed the materials list that Hogwarts sent home. She's there. Besides, she did say she's always loved the troublemakers."

Sirius laughed his true laugh, that deep barking sound that started in his chest and flooded outwards until it filled Remus with that same joy. "That she did, Moony. That she did."

The train was long since out of sight, but Remus and Sirius stood there a while longer as the platform cleared and families returned to their homes and jobs, wrapped up in their memories and each other. They were just existing in this moment of peace, of just the two of them together. These moments were so easy to come by, now. Remus could not wait for more.