Hi friends! I am SO sorry for the delay in posting chapter 11. This week and next are crazy for me, and I appreciate your patience more than you know. Thank you for all of the continued love you show this story each week. I can't wait to hear all your thoughts on this new chapter. I hope you find that it was was worth the wait. Xx.
Numb. Exhausted. Terrified. Confused. Conflicted.
Hailey felt a million and one different ways. And yet she didn't feel like she was the one who deserved to feel any of them.
Jordan was the one with the tumor in the chest, slowly killing her. Her nine year old was dying. Nine.
Hailey felt numb, exhausted, terrified, confused, and conflicted, and she hadn't even told Jordan why the doctors were running all of the tests under the sun on her yet.
Soon after breaking down in Jay's arms Hailey managed to pull herself together, and presently, refused to allow the expression on her face to reveal any of what was going on inside her head. Unable and unwilling to face the team, Hailey had taken Jay up on his offer to give them an update — and break the news. There was no use in waiting; Hailey obviously wouldn't be returning to work for awhile, given both the situation with Jordan and her arm. And this was one of those single parent things she couldn't recruit anyone else to help her manage and navigate. For something as big as this, Hailey was on her own. It wasn't on anyone else to help her figure it out.
Thankfully though, Voight and the rest of the team's response was exactly what she didn't know she needed to hear, until she did: Tell Hailey to take all of the time she needs, and that if she needed anything at all, they were there.
"How's she doing? They still running tests?" Jay entered Hailey's hospital room with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Alone on the bed in front of him, Hailey sat in a daze with her right arm secured in a sling. Her eyes were fixated on the images of whatever news channel was playing on the TV hooked up to the wall across the room, but she wasn't actually watching it. And when Jay had entered and spoken, she didn't even blink; it was like Jay's voice had gone in one of Hailey's ears and out the other without even reaching her consciousness.
Jay set the duffle bag down on the edge of the bed next to the blonde's feet, stepping between the bed and the screen in hopes of getting her attention.
"Hey…" He tried again, gently.
Finally, she blinked, inhaling sharply and straightening. Her eyes fell to the duffle bag, which she reached for with her uninjured arm.
"Thank you for going to get all this," she acknowledged, pulling herself together enough to genuinely express the gratitude she felt.
"Course," Jay responded easily, attempting to study and gauge the look on her face; to see behind the facade. Hailey's entire demeanor had changed quite literally in a flash from the moment she registered his presence. Oh how he wished he could read her mind, sometimes, to know what she was really thinking. Like when she put that wall up and refused to let him, or anyone, all the way in. Though, he could at least imagine she had a million and one thoughts racing through her mind, at present. "How's the arm?" He tried.
"Quite useless at the moment," she answered. Even though her dominant hand hadn't been the one injured, she was finding that even an action as simple opening a zipper on a duffle was difficult without two working hands. Unable to watch her struggle for more than five seconds, Jay stepped forward to intervene. To be her second hand.
Hailey offered a him a thankful smile, looking up at him through her eyelashes, then pulled out the pair of sweats that Jay had gone to her house and packed for her, as well as some clothes and a few things for Jordan. Just another testament of his generosity and kindness. "Will said it'll take a few days to get all of the test and biopsy results back so… once they discharge us I can take her home. For now," she explained. "So, I think I'm good."
Jay nodded at her initial explanation, but stared at her in confusion regarding the last sentence that left her lips. Did she really think he was just going to go on home now, as if the last 48 hours had never happened? He shoved his hands in his pockets, his feet firmly planted in place right where they were as he declared, "Hails, I'm not going anywhere."
Hailey stopped rummaging through the duffle bag long enough to look up at Jay and sigh.
He couldn't tell whether the look on her face was authentic disapproval or feigned. Regardless, he shrugged his shoulders and stated, "I'm at least driving the two of you home."
"With what car?" Hailey shot back.
"The same car I just took to your house; the one I picked up with Adam from the district," Jay answered, matching her challenging tone and punctuating it with a sly smile.
She shook her head and started to climb out of bed, tossing the sweats she intended to change into on top of the sheets. "Fine," she relented, then nodded towards the hallway. "But you're going out there while I change."
"Uh huh," Jay mumbled, a grin of triumph on his face as he turned over his shoulder and left, closing the door to Hailey's room behind him.
Jay stood just outside the door, pacing, for all of fifteen seconds before he heard a loud crash coming from the other side of it. On instinct, he placed his hand on the doorknob, prepared to bust in if he needed to. "Hailey?!" He called out.
"I'm fine, I'm fine!" His partner called back, slightly struggling to slide her feet into sweatpants with the use of only one arm. "Just knocked over a tray."
Jay bit down on his lower lip but couldn't help the way the corners of mouth curved upwards into a little smile just imagining what must've happened in order for that to occur.
There were only so many tests that Hailey could be with Jordan for, and by the time they were both discharged and allowed to leave, Hailey was more than ready to take her little girl home. Her head was still full of questions, though, much like Jay's. Full of dreaded outcomes, full of 'what if's'. Except now she at least had a little more information, that was terrifying, albeit concrete.
Before they'd left the hospital, Will and Natalie had taken Hailey to private conference room. They'd told her that the first set of tests they'd run had confirmed their suspicions: that Jordan had a rare form of childhood cancer called Neuroblastoma.
Neuroblastoma was diagnosed in approximately 700 children a year in the United States, most commonly between the ages of 1-5, making Jordan's case extra rare. And because it was already a difficult cancer to diagnose, mixed with the fact that Jordan hadn't yet started presenting any symptoms, there was no way Hailey — or anyone, for that matter — could have known. As far as her prognosis went, that was greatly dependent on a number of things, and of course, they wouldn't have answers to many of the questions that Hailey had asked until the secondary tests they'd run confirmed what stage the cancer was at, and if it had spread.
All in all, Hailey was allowed to take Jordan home for a few days until they got all of the other test results back, and was advised to carry out life as normal until they knew for certain what sort of near future they were looking at. It all felt fake, if she was being honest. How did a car accident suddenly turn into cancer? It was all… Unbelievable. Overwhelming. For the first time since Jordan was born — since becoming a mother — Hailey felt awfully unequipped and unprepared. Yet somehow, she was supposed act like she didn't feel completely helpless, like she wasn't a failure as a mother even though none of this was her fault, and figure out a way to keep herself together for the next couple of days.
"We'll give you a call as soon as we get her test results back and get her set up with any other specialists she might need," Will had promised her at the end of his debriefing. And since they'd been alone during this conversation, Jay keeping a drowsy Jordan company, he'd taken the liberty to add, "I know you think you can do this all on your own, and I'm sure you can. But it'll be a hell of a lot easier for both you and Jordan if you lean on the people around you. A lot of people care about you, Hailey. I saw it these past few days."
For Hailey, Will's words had been, surprisingly, fairly easy for her to hear — but a lot tougher to digest and believe.
Maybe because, deep down somewhere in her subconscious, she knew he was right. She knew his words were true.
By the time Jay pulled up to the curb in front of their house it was almost 9pm. They'd spent the majority of the ride surrounded by a comfortable silence. Even Jordan had stopped chattering about five minutes into the drive.
Unbuckling her seatbelt, Hailey leaned her head back against the headrest and sighed. She thought it'd feel better to be home, but she should've known it wouldn't be enough to make the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach go away.
"Thank you again," she said after a beat, turning her head to look at her partner. Her attempt at a smile unintentionally exuded a sadness that broke Jay's heart.
"Hailey…" Jay paused, searching her eyes. Like if he looked deep enough into them, just maybe he'd be able to reach inside and steal away the pain that they carried. "You don't need to keep thanking me."
But of course she did.
The blonde nodded anyway, craning her neck to look into the back seat. A small, huff of a laugh escaped her lips at the sight that met her eyes: Jordan sat with her head propped up against the window, fast asleep. Knowingly, Hailey's eyes travelled to Jay. "Do you mind?" She asked, scrunching her nose. Even with two working arms, Jordan was almost getting too big for her to pick up or carry, especially while she was asleep.
Jay looked back at Jordan, the corners of his lips turning upwards as he then turned his focus to Hailey. "Not at all."
After letting them into the house, Hailey dropped the duffle bag down into the entryway, following Jay down the hall as he carried Jordan towards her bedroom. While Hailey crossed the room to turn on her constellation night light projector, Jay laid Jordan down in her bed and started to tuck her in. Hailey's heart swelled as she turned to catch the last few moments of it, watching as he brushed a few loose, messy strands of blonde waves out of Jordan's face.
Will's words echoed in her mind. A lot of people care about you, Hailey.
The emotion must have reached Hailey's eyes just as Jay straightened, for the second he turned around he was already wrapping his arms around her.
"Hey… We're going to get her the best medical care out there, okay?" Jay whispered.
Hailey leaned into him, pressing her face against his shoulder. She shook her head as a few tears fell, staining his shirt. "It's not that," she said, pausing for a moment before adjusting her words. "Well, it is. But. Not just that…"
Her tone was timid and hesitant, enough to make Jay pull back so that he could look her in the eye. Silently, Hailey nodded her head sideways, in the direction of the hall. Jay took the cue and led the way out to it, stopping when he reached the living room.
"What's going on?" He asked, his voice laced with gentleness and genuine concern.
Hailey ran a hand across her forehead, her gaze drifting off to the side before landing back on Jay's face. Using every ounce of strength she had left within her, she began to explain, starting abruptly with, "Jordan's father's name is Wyatt."
Jay looked at her intently, listening. His eyes never leaving her face.
"Well, 'father' is overly generous, actually," she pointed out. "He's never been a father."
Jay watched her sigh, watched her eye contact dip and then refocus. Her eyes shimmering with a new layer of tears.
"Not even in the beginning? When she was a baby?" Jay asked, treading lightly, wanting to know more, but not wanting to ask the wrong questions in fear of saying something that might stop her from letting him in further. He felt his blood begin to boil as Hailey shook her head. The idea that anyone — at any point in their lives — could abandon them completely bewildered him. "What an asshole," he said.
Hailey let out an amused chortle at this reaction, at first nodding in agreement. "Yeah," she sighed. "But he was pretty great for the first ten years that I knew him."
Jay raised his eyebrows. Ten years was a long time. "You two'd known each other since you were eight?" He asked, quickly doing the math.
She nodded. "Yup. He'd moved in next door halfway through the school year and we were… instant best friends. And then we became more than that. And then… Jordan."
Hailey wasn't looking at Jay anymore as she spoke. It was more like she was looking through him, like she was reliving the memories she described in real time, but in her head. "He didn't want a baby," she continued. "I thought I didn't either… until the day she was born. I think it took me a little longer than most people to realize I could make choices for myself, and that those choices didn't have to align with what anyone else wanted them to be. Maybe that's cause of my dad," she mused. "But now I make choices for two people. And I've made all of them alone."
Raising Jordan relatively alone was something that Hailey could do. It was something she decided she'd learn how to do over nine years and two months ago. But there was only so much one could anticipate in deciding to raise a baby at eighteen. Back then, the fact that making decisions alone — that having little to no sounding board when it came to things concerning her child — would be one of the hardest parts of being a single parent, never crossed Hailey's mind. However, for all of the men that had played a part in the destruction of certain parts of Hailey's life, she did recognize that she presently had more that she could lean on. Ones who loved her, protected her, and lifted her up. Friends, colleagues, and partners she considered family.
Like Jay.
"I'm not good at accepting help, in case you haven't noticed. I'm… so used to doing everything on my own — alone — for so long now that I don't know how to… let people all the way in. And… not letting my guard down is how I've survived. Especially after Jordan was born." Hailey shook her head, pausing in between thoughts. She sniffled, swiping her hand underneath each of her eyes.
"Hailey—" Jay started to say, but she continued, unintentionally cutting him off, knowing if she pumped the breaks on her train of thought she might not return to admitting them out loud.
"I make life or death choices every day but I don't know how to make… choices like I'm about to have to, with her. Choices that might determine whether my own daughter is going to live or die. She's only nine. How do you even tell a nine year old that they might die?"
Jay's heart shattered as he watched her blue eyes continue to refill with tears — tears that fell the second she blinked. He wanted to have all of the answers for her — to be able to tell her that that wasn't a question that even needed to cross her mind, because Jordan dying wasn't going to be the outcome of all of this. But he didn't know that. No one did.
Before he could formulate some sort of mediocre answer, Hailey was already continuing. "And I don't know how to… keep accepting all of this from you, and doing all of this — whatever this is — with you, when I can't get rid of the voice in my head that tells me I should stop. Because one day you're just gonna… disappear."
Taking a step towards her, Jay reached out for Hailey's unslung hand and held it in his own. "Hailey," he said, softly but with intention. With his other hand he cupped her cheek, wiping away a few stray tears as they fell with the pad of his thumb. "I think we both know what this is." He let that land before promising her like it was a fact, like he was stating something as simple as 'the sky is blue'. "And I meant what I said. Earlier at the hospital. I'm not going anywhere. Ever."
The tiniest of smiles broke its way through Hailey's tears. She leaned the side of her face into his hand, the look on her face expressing more than any words could.
Jay scrunched his forehead then and looked up to the ceiling, as if he was trying to remember something. "Σ'α…" He started, clearly struggling.
Hailey's straightened and narrowed her eyes, trying and failing to decipher what didn't sound like any language at all, at first. "What are you—"
"Wait." Jay moved his hand from her cheek to her lips, pressing a finger against them. He ignored the face Hailey made as he did so, until he landed on the phrase he'd learned two nights ago. From her nine year old. "Σ'αγαπώ," he finished, moving his finger from her lips to trace the line of her jaw.
Had Hailey still been hooked up to a hospital monitor, the way her heart rate skyrocketed in that moment would've immediately set it off. "You— How… Where did you—"
"You have a very perceptive kid," Jay answered before she could finish.
Hailey shook her head, both in amusement and disbelief. She'd have to have a talk with said kid about that sometime soon, but for now… Tears filled her bright blue eyes for the millionth time, but this time, they weren't tears of pain, or sorrow, or longing. They were tears of requited love. A love she never thought she'd be lucky enough to have. "Κι εγω σε αγαπω," Hailey said, her voice thick with emotion.
A brief flicker of questioning crossed Jay's face.
"I love you too," she told him again, this time in English, before adding, "So much."
Jay cupped Hailey's cheek again, smiling as he looked down at her. At the same time as Hailey leaned up on her toes, Jay bent over to meet her halfway, pressing his lips to hers.