A/N: Thank you for your reviews and support for this story so far once again! I've been having some writer's block writing down the next chapters because there's so much I want to unpack, but I'll figure them out eventually. Oh, and side note: the italics in this chapter is a flashback but it's small. Anyways, enjoy!
It couldn't be. She died right in front of me.
JJ could only blink and stare in shock once Emily appeared at the doorway of the conference room. A million thoughts and emotions began to run wild inside her, and she couldn't really pinpoint what they were exactly. What she could note, however, was her frame shrinking smaller to shield herself and her heart shattering.
The other members of the team slowly stood up to hug Emily. Penelope carefully squeezed her tight in her arms, Rossi gave a long hug like a parent in relief of finding their missing child, Derek held her in a protective manner, so that he won't lose her again, and Spencer buried his face into her shoulder. A few of them were more than glad she was back and alive, but all of them were still registering her return.
Over Spencer's shoulder, Emily's eyes were trained on JJ, who didn't meet her attempted eye contact. Letting go of Spencer, Emily slowly approached the blonde.
"JJ," Emily softly said with pleading eyes. "I'm so sorry."
JJ quietly swallowed, her hands turning into fists inside her pockets. It was like high school all over again, where JJ's classmates would take one glance at her and whisper conspiratorially behind her back. All she wanted to do was run away to the nearest available room, and cry and scream to herself.
Awkwardly opening her arms, Emily stepped closer to hug her, and JJ could only stay stiff in her arms. She didn't reciprocate the action, and Emily immediately sensed it, feeling much worse than before.
Emily moved back and gave a small polite nod to her before turning to the others. "I'm sorry. I really am. I know that's not enough, but… really. I don't know how to make it up to you guys."
While Emily listened to what the team had found during the case, JJ's presence faded in the background. Not once did she make any direct eye contact with anyone nor did she speak at all, aside from mumbling in agreement on some of the things the others said.
After keeping Emily updated on the new information on Doyle and other potential suspects, whom the team had suggested it had to have been a woman, Hotch sent JJ, Penelope, and Emily to find an expanded list of Doyle's former lovers.
"Doyle had relations with all these ladies?" Penelope asked, scrolling through the list on her computer.
"Most," Emily answered.
"Wow." Penelope nodded in almost amazement. "I could see why you were sent in."
JJ silently rolled her eyes, and Emily noticed it from the corner of her eye. JJ didn't want to admit it to anyone, but the thought of Emily being near that man and sleeping with him bothered her, even when Doyle practically taunted her about it.
Clearing her throat, Emily tapped on Penelope's shoulder. "Hey, can you shoot these into the roundtable room for me?"
"Anything you say, visitor Prentiss." Penelope looked up from her screen with a smile towards her. JJ decided to walk away before Penelope even answered the dark-haired woman.
Emily sighed when she saw that JJ had already left without her. "Do you think she's going to be ok?"
Penelope shrugged and took a look at her still-open office door where JJ had left. "I don't know, Emily. She's been having a rough couple of months. Seeing you again is a lot to handle."
"I get it," Emily said in understanding.
"Why don't you go talk to her and see how she is?" Penelope encouraged, hoping that the two of her best girls will make up soon.
"I will. Thanks." Emily tapped her shoulder again in gratitude before leaving her office. Once she got out, JJ was halfway near the glass door entrance of the bullpen.
"JJ," Emily called out, rushing behind her with an extended arm out to her. "JJ, please, wait. Let me explain."
"Emily, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just find Declan and finish this case, so I can go back home." Her back was still facing Emily as she continued walking away from her, hoping to drown out her pleas.
"Look, you have every right to be angry-"
The blonde angrily turned around with a pointed look. "Don't try to tell me how I should feel. I've had enough of that ever since you left, so don't you dare try to do the same damn thing to me," JJ huffed and turned back on her heel, shoving her hands back into her pockets. Emily didn't dare to follow. She wanted to, but she saw how hurt JJ seemed. She decided to save their conversation for later and leave her be.
"We need someone to ask Doyle about who Declan's mother is," Hotch said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"I'll do it," Emily volunteered and grabbed the file folder containing pictures of all of Doyle's past partners. When she saw Hotch's worry on his face, she shook her head. "It's ok. I'll be fine."
JJ nervously bounced on the heels of her feet before speaking up. "I'll go with her."
Emily stopped in her tracks and turned her head towards the other woman. Hotch looked at JJ also, wondering why she suddenly decided to tag along.
"JJ, I think you should stay back here to look more into Declan's mom," Hotch said.
"It's fine. I can handle myself, Hotch. I'll stay on the side." She then nodded to Emily, signaling for her to follow as she made her way to the interrogation room. Emily looked at Hotch, who only shrugged at her. Sighing, she began to follow the quiet and determined blonde agent.
Once they went to the other room where Doyle was staying in, Emily avoided any sort of physical and eye contact with JJ, giving her some space. She was immediately pulled back by a gentle hand of the younger woman.
"Emily," JJ murmured, looking everywhere but her eyes. "Please be safe."
Emily saw how small JJ looked at the moment. She could hear the words 'please be safe for me' in her tone. The way JJ's voice trembled and how her hand gripped onto Emily's arm told her she was scared. Emily can't even begin to picture what JJ had to go through grieving over her loss, and she felt terrible about it. She knew she wasn't totally forgiven, but she assured JJ she was going to be alright.
Nodding to her, she opened the door and stepped inside the interrogation room. JJ not only kept a close eye on Doyle's body language, but Emily's as well. She could tell how tense she became when she saw him again, and she was about to ask Emily if she wanted to tap out. Emily, however, remained calm and began to put on her professional mask. Outside of the interrogation room, JJ played with her fingers to ease her nerves, wishing she was in there with Emily, so she doesn't get hurt by Doyle again.
After gaining new information on Chloe Donaghy and her associate, Lachlan McDermott, the team rushed to the airstrip where the two unsubs were. Emily and Spencer took Doyle with them on a helicopter, while JJ went with Derek, and Hotch with Rossi. Exiting their respective modes of transportation, they were faced with a jet that Donaghy and McDermott had taken. They had not taken off yet, so the team still had a chance to save Declan.
Hearing a gunshot go off inside the jet, the agents readily aimed their weapons at one of their suspects, McDermott, who had Declan in front of him.
"Get over there, boy!" He roughly shoved him forward, not caring if he stumbled over his feet. Waving a gun towards the blonde boy, McDermott yelled at the team. "Bring Doyle here! I want him here on his knees!"
Derek asked through his mic piece, "Hotch, are we really going to do this?"
"No one leaves here," he responded back. Derek fixed his stance and aimed. JJ stood behind him and did the same with her gun, narrowing her eyes at McDermott.
McDermott pointed his gun towards Doyle, who was being carried off by Emily and Spencer. "You bastard. How's it feeling? It's your bloody time now, is it?" He taunted him. "Now, hand him over."
Suddenly, another figure limped out of the jet, holding onto the railing with one hand and a gun in the other. Derek recognized it was Donaghy and shouted, "Gun!"
Donaghy shot her rounds first before Spencer was quick to respond with a few of his own, making sure she hit the ground first. Doyle fell down, causing Emily to let go of him and grab onto Declan instead. Spencer and JJ ran over to McDermott and Donaghy to check their carotids.
Emily caught Declan in her arms and held onto him, placing a hand on his head to make sure he was ok. She saw his head turn towards his father, who found blood smeared onto his hand, indicating he was hit by Donaghy. Emily felt a pang in her chest when she realized that, and let Declan have his moment with his father. Doyle reached out his hand to him and Declan responded by taking it, looking into his dad's eyes.
"I remember you," Declan uttered.
Doyle felt his eyelids drooping and his body grow colder and weaker. "I'm sorry, son." Closing his eyes now, he let go of Declan's hand. Declan watched his father go and retreated his hand back. Emily instinctively cradled his head close to her, and he circled his arms around her waist. The familiar protective gesture eased Declan from his last moment with his father, and Emily closed her eyes in relief as she held onto the young boy.
After checking for Chole Donaghy's pulse, which was not there anymore, JJ stood up from the ground and saw Emily's tight grip on Declan. She saw that Ian Doyle was now officially dead, and relief took over Emily's features. She saw the older woman murmuring promises to Declan and rocking him back and forth to comfort him.
The sight made JJ's heart clench. She knew deep inside that Emily's end goal from all of this was to ensure that Declan was safe and sound. That was one of the things that made her fall in love with Emily. Her feelings about Emily's return at the moment confused the hell out of her. She was still angry and in shock, but she also knew what it was like to want to protect a child from all the dangers in the world. She couldn't fault Emily for that.
Everyone went back to the office, packing their things up before leaving. Emily talked to most of them before they were set to go home. They were catching each other up on what happened in the last seven months. During their recapping, JJ stood quiet on the sidelines, similar to what she had done earlier.
As everyone except for Derek and Hotch left, JJ walked out of the conference room in her own silence with her head hanging low. Emily excused herself from the room and trailed behind the blonde.
"Hey," she tried again with a sigh. JJ turned around to see Emily. "Look, I don't want to do this here, but can we talk in private? Please?"
JJ kept her head down, glancing at Emily through her lashes before nodding. This whole day, JJ barely made eye contact with her, her shoulders were slumped down in defeat, and was not verbally speaking at all. It pained Emily that she had done this to JJ, and she wished she could pull her into her arms and tell her everything will be ok. She's been wanting to do so ever since she landed in Paris, but it was better to give JJ some space.
JJ began to lead the older woman to her old office, deciding it was the best and closest place she could think of for their private conversation. Once the door closed, the two women stood three feet apart from each other, not knowing where to begin with one another's presence in the room. Emily softened her eyes at JJ and slowly walked closer to her. She was a bit relieved when she saw that JJ didn't move away from her.
"I'm sorry," Emily said. "I know I've been saying that this whole day, but I really mean it. I can't imagine how much I've hurt you, the team, or even Henry. I wish I could do everything to take all of that away, or go back in time to change things, but I know that won't happen."
JJ weakly shrugged. "I don't know what to say."
"It's ok. Whatever it is, you can direct it towards me. I don't have a place to say how you're supposed to feel. I just want to be part of your life again, if you'll let me."
JJ shifted her gaze onto the stacks of files on her old desk. "I thought I lost you for good," she said in a choked whisper. "I thought I was too late to get to you. I couldn't save you on time."
"Yes, you did."
"Then, why did you leave?!" JJ nearly shouted at her. Blinking and furiously wiping her tears away, she shook her head. "The past seven fucking months, I had to mourn over your 'death' and lie to Henry about where you've been. Emily, do you know how hard it was to explain something like that to a kid? I haven't even uttered a word about Roslyn to Henry, that's how hard it is!"
Emily looked at the floor in defeat and let JJ rant. Despite how much hearing all of it hurts, Emily felt like she deserved it because she hurt the people that she loved.
"I couldn't bring myself to go to a therapist, I pushed everyone away. I kept thinking about what I could've done to save you, and I blame myself every night because of it. That's how fucking hard it is, Emily!"
When JJ's rant came to an end, Emily finally lifted her head to see her face filled with more tears. "Emily, I don't understand why… Why would you want to do this?"
Emily sighed. She turned her back on JJ and started to pace back and forth. "I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't want to do it, but I wanted to keep you safe. Doyle said he was waiting for me, so to get closer to me, he kept a close eye on everyone on the team, including you and Henry."
"What do you want?"
"You. Oh, not today, don't worry about that. But soon."
"I've got a Glock leveled at your crotch," Emily threatened, setting her finger steady on the trigger in preparation. "What's to stop me from taking you and the little ones out right now?"
"You'd never make it back to your car and you know it. Tell me, does the lovely Penelope know the truth about you? Or is she too busy watching movies with Derek to care? Here you are, all alone, while Aaron sits at home with his son. And why didn't Dave invite you to his game night? Maybe he thought you'd be on the Metro with Dr. Reid. Or…" He leaned over the table with a smirk. "How about that sweet Jennifer? Does her son know about your secret relationship with his mother after hours?"
Emily clenched her jaw and gripped her coffee cup at the mention of each of her teammates. Once she heard JJ's name and Henry come from his mouth, that's when she began to snap. "Come near my team and I will end you."
"I don't have a quarrel with them. How long that remains the case depends entirely on you." He shrugged as he leaned back into his chair. "They're innocent; you are not."
"I was doing my job."
"I think you did a little more than that. You took the only thing that mattered to me, so I'm going to take the only thing that matters to you. Your life."
"He was watching us the entire time?" JJ asked, eyes widened in shock.
Emily nodded and continued explaining. "JJ, it's not that I didn't want to tell you before. I just didn't want you to get involved. If he knew where you guys were and did something before I found out about it," she tightly shut her eyes at the possibility of that happening to the people she loved, "He already got to some of my past team. I couldn't bear the thought of that happening to you or Henry, or the team here."
JJ took a tiny step backwards, her hand searching for something to hold onto behind her. "Emily… It's a lot to process all at once. You just got back, and I'm not so sure."
The older woman frowned, but she understood. She wasn't expecting JJ, or anyone on the team, to forgive her that easily. "I'll do whatever you want me to do, JJ. I'm willing to do anything I can to be in your life again, if you let me."
JJ gave it some thought before speaking. She didn't like how Emily phrased that. Over the time she's known her, JJ could see that Emily had been used to pleasing people. While it had some advantages, it also had its downfalls, too. One of those downfalls unfortunately led them where they were now. JJ didn't want any false pretenses or empty promises anymore. She wanted the real thing, and the real Emily she's always been in love with. The one that didn't have to hide so much from JJ.
She shook her head and nervously scratched the back of her head. "Emily, you don't have to do that. That's not fair."
"It is," Emily firmly said before taking a deep breath and clearing her throat. "I want to be friends with you again. Please, just let me do this. I want to."
JJ didn't know what to do. Part of her was relieved that she was seeing Emily again, but the other part wanted to push her away, like she got her hopes up too high and that Emily being here was all just a dream. She wanted to pinch herself to see that she wasn't dreaming all of this, that Emily was here right in front of her.
All JJ felt was torn, and that broke Emily's own heart.
A/N #2: Emily definitely needs to sort things out with everyone :(