There's a couple holding hands across the room, eyes all googly while turned to stare at one another – the kind of look where I imagine their irises are enlarged. They're young, perhaps in their early twenties and my mouth instinctively twitches from how helplessly naive they must both be about love, about life. About everything. Mind pulled back to my own twenties, of my foolish hopes to see the world – to travel, as if they'd ever allow such a thing: Eldians to travel. But like I said, I was young and stupid.
Happy. I was happier, I suppose. Perhaps stupidity and happiness go hand in hand, a soft and sarcastic chuckle slips from my lips as I sit there and stare. Watch as the man brings his other hand around the woman's waist, watch as a gentle kiss is placed on her neck. Why do they feel the need to do that, here? To shove it all within our faces, a blatant reminder to all of us who –
"How much is this one?"
Huh? I blink a few times to clear my mind, eyes focusing on the older lady before me with one of my paintings lifted and a smile upon her face while holding out her coin purse. "Oh," clearing my throat, I tear my eyes away from the couple across the room and assign a price. A price which she thankfully purchases before walking away and leaving me to my foul mood and foul behavior of glaring at a couple who is only happy and celebrating life, love.
It's been six months since I travelled to Paradis. Six months since I snatched the fastest ticket off that island and came rushing home. Six months since I've started painting again, seated in my tiny little booth in which I've started selling a few of them at local flea markets on the weekend.
Six months since I've seen Levi.
It was difficult, at first. Going from seeing him nearly every day to none at all. Disorienting and left with a feeling as though a place in my life suddenly rendered empty, suddenly with a little too much time on my hands. I don't know what it is, anymore – perhaps it's something more than difficult. I miss him and I hate myself for it because, how can I after all I've learned? How could I possibly…
Miss him.
"This one is beautiful." Another customer has popped up at my little booth, hands carefully sorting through various paintings until she's found one I hadn't realized was placed in the pile to begin with. My eyes open wide, taking in the outline of a man – the outline of a man with whom I used to gaze upon in the same way that couple across the room idolizes one another. Raven hair, eyes which one could become lost in – one I had started before our trip over there…
Now all my works are filled with dark, depressing colors. The first customer I had nearly broke down in tears upon purchasing one. Said it left her feeling "endlessly heartbroken" for the artist, as if she wasn't in the process of handing me over a few coins – clearly the artist. Thanks, I had mumbled with a half-amused, half-confused look.
Am I? Is that what I am – endlessly heartbroken?
"How much?" the woman's voice pulls me from my thoughts once more.
"Sorry," I clear my throat and quickly grab hold of the painting to shuffle it behind my chair. "That one isn't for sale, I didn't mean to include it."
Six months. How long had we actually known each other? Less than that, I do believe – which is startling. I've gone longer in not seeing him than what we knew each other to begin with. I went a lifetime without this man, and yet six little months feels debilitating.
From the corner of my eye, I catch the young couple beginning to meander over towards my booth. Paralysed as I watch their eyes glance down, taking in the paintings which are spread around me and the woman's eyes widen before whispering out, "Oh! These are just so sad…"
"I'm not sad…" I mumble the words, more to myself than anyone else but watch as it successfully has them slinking off towards another booth. I'm not – truly. I'm not sad. I don't miss him.
Yes, I know. It doesn't sound very convincing to myself, either.
I hardly think I had managed to leave my home for nearly a week after returning from Paradis. Mind felt as though it had been pulled in two separate directions, unable to comprehend all which I had learned. Who he was – who he is… it didn't make any sense. Back to quiet nights, alone yet desperate to convince myself that I am not lonely. Embracing the solitude, what I tell myself as I slip into the cold bedsheets at the end of a long day and find the silence to be a little deafening. Find the stilling of which my life has slipped back into being a little frightening. Time: the only thing which appears to be passing these days, almost as if the rest of the world has been thrown into a different cycle as I sit by and watch others keep moving. Keep moving as I seem to be stuck in place. Stuck all alone, but not lonely.
No, not lonely… Perhaps if I say the words enough, I will convince myself that they are true.
Legs pull me to a part of town which I'd been avoiding the last few months, pulling me a little closer to the tea shop than what I feel entirely comfortable with. Close enough to see the faint glow of the lights, meaning he's in there… not close enough to actually see him. More importantly, not close enough for him to see me.
I wish I had never found out. How blissful a life of ignorance could be, I surmise. How desperately I wish that I had never asked that one little question, that I had never made that one little connection which managed to entirely disrupt the small amount of happiness I had been clinging to.
The door opens, I watch as a figure steps out into the fresh air and instantly I know it's him. Flinging myself around the corner, my back presses up against the brick wall and I hold my breath as though terrified that he'll hear me. Somehow I know I wasn't fast enough… I know he likely caught the tail end of my jacket as I threw myself against the cold stone and so before I can hear the sound of footsteps slowly making their way over, I run.
My legs appear to be in a mood of betrayal as I find they've soon brought me to another place which reeks of hell these days. Another place which leaves me with shallow breaths, with dizzy spots circling around my vision as I focus on the little task of one foot forward and then the other.
The park.
The one which we visited all those many months ago, the one which seemed determined to push the two of us together, the one where we –
A shaky finger brought up to brush against my lower lip as I close my eyes and recall an image so sweet it sickens my stomach and brings a tear to my eyes. The place where we first kissed. The place where I stared into his eyes and considered that life had been kind to provide another chance at happiness for me, another chance at… something which no longer exists. I push the thoughts from my mind, fingers gripping tightly onto the neck of my jacket as I shiver a little from the wind. Eyes glancing down to take in the emptiness of my hand, wishing it was still tightly clasped within his.
"Excuse me." A woman's voice catches my attention, a raised hand and waving arm sent my way as she begins to make her way over. She's beautiful, hair nearly as dark and soft as another I know.
"Is your name…" she looks slightly uncomfortable as she clears her throat. "Are you Lilette?"
Eyes widen as I take a step back, wondering who this strange woman could be. "Yes," I nod my head, deciding there'd be no harm. "Have we met before?"
"No." She shakes her head. "We haven't, but… I'm a friend of Levi's."
"Oh." I blink, a little in shock. I hadn't been aware that he had any friends over here… certainly not female ones. Beautiful ones – oh no, am I getting jealous…? Wait, this must be the one he mentioned who was missing from the ceremony. "Are you Mikasa?" I whisper back and watch as she slowly nods her head, perhaps a look of surprise that Levi would have mentioned her.
"I was at… the ceremony with him." I mumble as an explanation.
"I heard." She mumbles back with eyes turned down to the ground, immediately telling me that she knows. Knows what happened, knows that I ran off suddenly and he was likely left to explain why.
What else is there to say? I nod my head slowly before uncomfortably clearing my throat. "Has he sent you here?"
"No." She tenses, "He has no idea I'm here. I heard from Jean and Connie… they said that he was happy with you."
He was happy with me. I was happy with him. "How did you find me?" I frown and watch as a tiny smile slips over her face, the same tiny half-smile I watch slip over Levi's, the same one he always attempts to push down. "I saw you run away from his tea shop just now. Figured it must be you."
"Oh." I blush. Well, that's quite embarrassing.
"I heard why you left." She whispers over with soft eyes. Eyes which leave me feeling a little more dizzy as I quickly glance down to break our eye contact, mind pulled back to that night. To the moment where I'd fallen down onto the floor with my dress gathered around me and Levi's frantic face staring down at me in a wave of confliction, desperately attempting to sort out where he went wrong.
"Lilette," his brow furrows as he takes a seat down on the edge of the bed. "Can I do anything? Do need anything?"
"Just leave!" I cried out again, face thrown down into my trembling palms as I begin to hyperventilate.
"I don't understand," he pleas. Begs for an answer, begs for some sort of hint. "I'll leave, I just need to know that you're safe."
"The Tybur speech." I whisper with wide eyes and an uncontrollable heartbeat. "I was there."
His face changes upon my words, still unaware of just what took place but clearly comprehending I must have seen him… must have watched as he brought the Beast Titan down to a pile of steam and blood upon the ground.
"You're him…" I choke out, watching as Levi's eyes lower to the ground in agony. "You're the one who… the building broke apart and –"
"I didn't want to be there." He whispers, face contorted into an expression which solely speaks of pain. "You can't understand how much I did not want to be there, Lilette."
"You brought a piece of the building down onto my husband's legs." I spit out with anger, with rage. Glaring at the man with whom I'd just been wrapped up in, with whom I'd been wrapped within his arms mere moments ago. "He couldn't run from the rumbling because of it."
Levi's face lifts up to stare at me with a blank expression. Confused, in disbelief. I know the feelings all too well. How cruel a world to bring us together, to have us fall like this – to have me fall for him, for the very man that… "I need to go home." I force the words while holding back tears.
"Of course." He nods, still appearing as though his mind is sorting through this mess for some sort of understanding, to make some sort of sense from the senseless.
"I can't see you anymore, Levi." I whisper over with a broken heart. Again. A broken heart, again.
"I understand." He whispers over with eyes which speak of shock, which speak of heartbreak. Heartbreak, again. The world is cruel and repetitive for the two of us, I guess. "I'm sor–" he starts and yet I quickly cut him off with a, "Please don't." He nods, I nod as well. So quickly we've fallen back into strangers, into two people who don't know how to look at one another let alone… let alone what we were. He stands up and hovers for a moment as if trying to fabricate some sort of thing to say before deciding against it, before walking out of the door and closing it softly behind him. Before leaving me alone.
A single ticket slipped under the door an hour later. A return ticket home, his apology.
"None of us wanted to go over there." Mikasa whispers with a sudden urgency as if needing to spit the words out in a rushed whisper before they linger too long, linger in a way which feels as though this is all just a little too painful for her to discuss.
"None of us wanted you to come." I whisper back, nails digging into the palm of my hand in an attempt to ground myself, to remind the brain that I am here. Not there, but here. Safe. Sound.
"No, I suppose you did not." She softly smiles with eyes that speak of a recognizable pain. Who have you lost? I wish to call out, wish to know if discussing such things will only further rip our hearts into a million little shreds or provide some healing.
There's something about this woman, her looks, her demeanor – it all reminds me a little too much of someone I know. "Are the two of you related?" I ask, curiosity getting the best of me. She shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. Not much of an answer, just like Levi. Perhaps that in itself is my answer.
"He's so much more than what people see at first." Mikasa's face softens as she turns to stare blankly at the small group of schoolchildren in the distance. "He may have been blessed with it, but fighting is not what he wanted to do with his life." A depressed laugh escapes her lips as she reflects, "Blessed or cursed."
"I know that." I whisper back with a blush. I know him… I know he wouldn't have wished to fight.
We stand in silence for a few moments, me quietly wishing it was possible to slice away parts of your life that were solely a source of pain. To slice away the memories one wishes not to further dwell upon, the fears and the heartbreak – like a few burnt cookies in an otherwise fresh batch, like a spec of dried paint in a fresh container. Just scoop it out and anyone looking down upon you would be none the wiser. I wish I could scoop away pieces of both mine and Levi's life… though perhaps those are the moments which made us. I don't know, I've never understood these things.
"He came over here because of a man I loved." Her words are so sudden, they startle me a little. Wide eyes as I stare back in uncertainty of what to say back to such a thing. "We all did," she frowns as if mind pulled back to the very moment, "it wasn't him. You may have seen his face but none of that was really him," she hoarsely whispers over – "Don't blame him."
I don't wish to, easier said than done. "Why are you telling me all of this?" I ask while wiping away a few fallen tears.
She lets out a heavy and shaky sigh, a single tear falling down her pale cheeks as she turns around as if to take her departure. "Like you, I've lost someone that I loved more than life itself. I had a chance to try again with a new… with," she gives me a final look – "and I didn't take it."
"A, do as I say, not as I do." I whisper out so weakly that she couldn't possibly have heard. Mind called back to the words Levi had spoken when he told me that charming little story about when they had all first found sand. Orders for their boots to remain free of all and any specs, though unable to accomplish the feat himself. He had joked, it was a do as I say, not as I do situation. Perhaps these two have more in common than they think.
"He's a good man." Mikasa whispers while staring at me with such sorrow I find myself hardly able to meet her stare.
"Perhaps I don't deserve him." My whisper is forced out with a little more urgency this time, loud enough to reach her ears and I watch as a small smile forms before she mumbles over, "I can see why the two of you found each other."
Found each other. I sort of wish we hadn't, sort of wish I had never known what it felt like to be wrapped within his arms, to have his smiled placed upon me.
"Go speak with him." She frowns, before leaving me. Calling out as the wind picks up wisps of her hair and leaves them dangling in the air behind her, "He's about to make a decision which he'll regret."
And then she disappears. An odd sense of discomfort filling the air as I stand there in shock, stand there in disbelief over her words. Unable to stop wondering just what she meant in warning he was on the cusp of a decision. One that involves me? One that will be made because of me? Did he even know that she was here, on Marley? "I don't know what to do…" the words slip out of me and my feet began heading towards the only place where I fear I'll find some comfort. Back to the place in which I used to frequent so very often, to the place where I had just started slowly breaking myself away from because all of this.
Thankfully we've had a nice patch of weather recently and so although the ground is cold, it's mostly dry. Without much of a regard for the beige peacoat which I wear, I plop down onto the dirt with legs cast off to one side and let out a sigh which I hadn't realized I'd been holding in. One which feels as though it's been building for the last several hours. The last several weeks, months. Years.
"What should I do?" I weakly whisper to the grave before me, apologetic eyes for the largely inappropriate behavior of asking your dead husband for advice on another man… but, I'm desperate. "I have no one else," my fingers brush away the thin coat of dust from a small pebble which is buried in the ground. It's smooth and chilly in my hand, a perfect shape for absentminded fiddling as I stare out into the etched letters before me. "Everyone left after you." A light sniffle, recalling the looks of pain given from our friends – the few which survived – upon the obligatory visits after his death. The casseroles, the endless casseroles began pouring in yet slowly and surely, the visits became more seldom. I think I frightened them all, left them without a sense of what to say to fill the uncomfortable silence.
I was a pain which was inconsolable, a reminder of just how many were lost. I think they'd look at me and see his face, our laughs, our love, all in our house. It was too much, I hardly blame them. I would have run from me as well, if given the choice. Still would at times, if I'm being honest.
Levi was my one person, these past few months. My one thing I looked forward to when waking in the mornings, my one thing that kept me from going home to endless dinners alone, pointless days.
"Do you think it would be the worst thing in the world if I were to…" the words escape me as I whisper out with trembling hands. Not quite forgive, as I'm not entirely convinced he's done anything. Not quite an asshole in this scenario, though I fear that I'll become the very thing if I chose to return to a man who had a role in my husband's death. An unintended one, yet still – a role, nonetheless. How could I? What exactly would that make me…?
Heavens – "I want to." The words slip out in a feverish whisper, eyes widen in fear as I've said the words. They're out there, I can't take them back. I want to see him. "Is there any way you could forgive me?" I sniffle back a new round of tears. Any chance you could forgive me if I were to look past this cruel connection the world has seemed to throw at us? Any chance you could forgive me for finding a little happiness again with someone new? The real question which lingers. Not Levi, could I be forgiven.
Do I deserve it?
A shrill laughter fills my ears, flinching nearly a foot in the air as two women walk by without an ounce of concern for where they currently stand. Loudly giggling to one another and I'm almost prepared to yell over at them to have some respect when I catch sight of what exactly they're holding within their hands: two cups of tea. Specifically, paper cups with a plastic lid which bear the logo I am all too familiar with. They've just left Levi's shop.
"He's so cute!" One of the women hisses over to her friend before they break out into another fit of giggles. Causing a distasteful anger to bubble up in my stomach but then the second one lets out a sigh while mumbling, "It's such a shame the place will be closing."
Closing? The – Levi's closing the teashop? Is that what Mikasa had been warning, about to make a decision that he'll regret. "I need to see him." I whisper out while bringing my gaze back to my husband, blinking a few times as I consider how small the odds would be for this to happen at the exact time of my being here. You wanted me to hear that, didn't you? Want me to be happy… wish me to forgive.
Running through the streets, I curse myself for having walked here rather than have the option to jump into my car but adrenaline alone has me failing to care that I'm practically sprinting in my heels. Practically tumbling into a few too many people as I throw myself around street corners, wondering if I'm more likely to catch him at the shop or his apartment by now? A glance up at the sunset peaking over the rooftops causes me to decide that he's probably at home.
In what feels both like a mere moment and also an endless amount of time, I find myself standing outside the lobby's main door with a flushed face and gasp for breath. No time to wait, no time to maintain my composure before I grab the door open and run up the five flights of stairs which will only further the embarrassing state of which I'm to arrive in but –
I need to know. Is he leaving? Truly selling the teashop?
A final gulp and then a light knock on the door. Wondering if I've used enough pressure… did he hear that? When suddenly, I hear movement on the other side before it's pulled open and – there he is. Right in front of me, eyes locked as if we're both replaying the last six months over in our mind. Both unsure of who should say the first word, of what the first word should be.
Six months. How had I possibly gone so long without him.
"Levi–"
"Lilette–"
We both move to speak at the same time, eyes widening in a moment of hesitation before I burst out laughing while Levi exhales a chuckle. In a mere moment, the last six months are erased. We're back. "I'm so sorry," I blurt out while stepping forward to walk into his arms, noticing how they tighten around me instantly in a layer of warmness I could spend a lifetime attempting to achieve from something else and it would never be quite the same.
"You don't need to be." He whispers into my ear, breath sounding uneven and heavy as though he's on the verge of a tear. I hum, burrowing my face a bit further into the crook of his neck to mumble that I do. "Can I come in?" Eventually I mumble into his skin, realizing that we're still standing in the middle of his doorway. His arms tighten, squeeze my waist in a way which suggests he just may not let go and honestly, I'd be quite alright with that but then he whispers that he'll make some tea.
Tea. I nod and watch as he turns towards the kitchen, collecting my thoughts on what brought me here. "Levi I heard that you might be –" eyes caught off guard by a pile of boxes in his living room, stacked neatly and carefully in a way which I'd fully expect, nothing less. But – "Why are those there?" I point a nervous finger towards the pile and stare.
No answer. His eyes peeled down to the kettle which gives me a sickening feeling in my stomach.
"Levi," Look at me, please – I need to know… "Are you – are you moving?"
He doesn't answer, merely places two cups of tea in the center of his table but I can't do this – can't sit here and pretend like there isn't something monumental going on. "Hey," I grab hold of his arm, pulling his eyes to me. "What's going on, are you selling the shop?"
A letter is retrieved from his bedroom, placed gently before my hands as I sit down at the table to begin reading what is apparently an offer to rejoin Paradis' military. "As the Queen's strategic advisor?" I furrow my brow while raising up to meet his stare. "But – you don't want to be part of that anymore."
"I don't know what I want." He mumbles with a shrug.
He doesn't know. "I see." The words slip out with far more sarcasm than I intended, but I'm not buying it. He doesn't want this! Doesn't want to be a soldier, once again.
"I don't expect you to understand." He clears his throat as if to say this conversation is over.
Yes, well… I don't. Don't understand at all. Confused eyes, lowering back to watch as my fingers play with the cup of tea, unsure of what else there is to say.
"I'm tired of losing people, Lilette." His voice sounds tired – defeated, even; and I wish to mumble over that he hasn't lost me. That I'm right here, I'm here and that I'm sorry for the last few months but then I'm also tired. I'm also defeated and scared of losing loved ones. I'm tired of running, I'm tired of people running away.
"You're moving over there." I say the words half as a statement, half as a question because it's a little too much to comprehend. He'll be moving – he'll be gone. Will I ever see him again? Likely not… I'll never see you again?
He nods and then a thick and heavy silence fills the air.
"This is what you want?" One last chance, one last moment for him to say something which will convince me to –
"Yes."
Oh. Well, there it is. No place to go from here, I suppose – no words left unsaid, no way to turn back time and steal six months from my foolish mistakes made. It's done, we're done.
"I should go." Chair scrapes against the floor as I blink a few times in confusion, sending a final look towards the boxes of his things before charging off to the door. I can't – need to get away. Need an out. I –
A few steps into the hallway before I come to a halt, knees weak and dizzy as I turn to stare back at the closed door which now hides his apartment from me. Hides the table where he sits, hides my cup of tea which likely still steams. All which runs through my mind in this moment is: why am I out here? Why am I leaving, why am I not shouting at this man how bloody dearly I wish for him to stay? Need for him to stay.
I'm over being weak, safe, scared to take a leap – I'll jump for you, Levi.
Assuming the door is still unlocked, I reach down for the handle and prepare to push it open but am halted when the door suddenly pulls back. Levi, wide-eyed and frantic, eyes scanning the hallway yet startling a little when he finds me standing right before him with a dumbfounded look upon my face. "Hi." I whisper up to him like a fool, a dopey grin as I attempt to hold back a laugh at how ridiculous we both are.
"Hi." He whispers back, hand still gripping onto the door as he left his cane placed against the table. In a rush to catch me, though unnecessarily – I'm in a rush to catch him.
"Please don't go," I plea. Entirely prepared to beg, to open my eyes and pout my way into his arms again; anything to keep him here. I'm desperate. So very desperate to have this, to have this with him.
"I thought I lost you." He blushes, eyes flickering down to the floor for a brief moment before he pulls them up again – determined to lock each detail of this moment to memory, regardless of the warm flush which burns throughout his cheeks at such vulnerability. I know – I give him a soft smile in return. It's not easy for me, either.
"No," I whisper while shaking my head, taking a step closer so that I can reach out for his shirt collar, to slink into his chest as an arm comes to wrap around my waist. "Don't leave me?" The most honest thing I've ever asked from another person, the most bare and essential plea there ever was. Just, don't leave me, Levi. "Please –"
Cut off with a kiss – my favorite way in which he tells me to stop talking. His lips are warm as they press up against mine, fingers digging into my hips as I'm pulled rather roughly into his arms just a little bit tighter. Rather roughly, for him – telling me just how very much he's missed me these past few months and in a need to reciprocate the same sentiment on my end, I'm the pushy one who deepens our kiss this time. The one who's needy fingers grip onto his neck, tongue pushes in and pulls him closer into me. Until we feel as one, until his heart beats wildly against my own, until we break for air and the sweetest little words are whispered over to me as he mumbles into my swollen lips –
"I'll stay."
"Is this what you want?" I stare up at him with trepid eyes. Please say yes, please say –
"What do you think?" He whispers in an attempt at sarcasm, yet the beginning of a smile which rests upon his lips entirely ruins it. He lets out a sigh, a happy one with warm breath tickling my cheeks and curled lips coming back to meet mine as he mumbles, "Lilette. I want this."
"I want this, too." I whisper back. More than anything, I want this.