The universe was having a joke at Iruka's expense.

It was out of self-preservation that Iruka punched his own face with whatever little strength he had left and tried to remove himself from this mortal plane. And in that moment, he truly believed the gods didn't exist because not only did that really hurt, but Hound's picture on his cellphone remained captioned Hatake Kakashi.

"You have got to be kidding me," Iruka whispered and continued scrolling. He had checked five news sites, and yet, the answer was always the same.

Professor Jiraiya had never shown up for the interview, and Iruka had tossed his ice water in the face of a very powerful and rich man that had just gotten him his dream job.

"Are you going to make breakfast, or do I have to stay here and continue starving?" Naruto asked dramatically at the doorway.

Iruka flinched and nearly tossed his cellphone at his son's face. "Goodness—how many times do I have to tell you not to play shinobi so early?" he rubbed his temples and wondered why it felt like he had been hit with a frying pan instead of a fist. "A good morning would be nice, a hello, too. I can't feed you if I die of a heart attack, Naruto."

Naruto made a face. "I wasn't, and I haven't played that with you since I was twelve." He pointed accusingly at his adoptive father. "And it's not my fault you don't pay attention! I've been standing here for two minutes!"

"Two minutes?"

Naruto got over it and squinted at Iruka's phone. "Hey, who's that?"

"The reason why we'll have food on the table, and I wish I were joking."

Iruka opened a drawer and grabbed aspirin. He still had a couple of hours until his interview, and he was going to spend it, hopefully, with no other attempts on his life. Naruto was on his heels as he walked into the kitchen for water.

It was a little kitchen with an open concept, meaning that the front of the apartment was just a really big room that had been divided by simple flooring. They didn't have a table, only an island with high chairs that were uncomfortable. The stove was against a brick wall, sided by counters where the coffee maker and microwave sat.

"Is he famous or something?" Naruto asked and handed Iruka an empty glass from the rack without prompt. "Dude must be ugly if he's wearing that mask." He sat on his frog-stickered chair and was, most likely, waiting for Iruka to return to full-functioning.

Iruka shrugged one shoulder and downed his pills. "I think so, but he's also a sponsor of Konoha University. A lot of his money seems to be going into the sports teams." He put his cup in the sink and began preparing Naruto's breakfast. "Remember I said I would be home late because I had an interview? Well, I met him instead."

Naruto's stare was obvious, even though Iruka couldn't see, and he was able to guess exactly what the boy was thinking. But he really didn't want to go there, so as soon as Naruto opened his mouth, he turned and stuffed fried seaweed between his teeth.

He made sure to use his "please don't ask" glare—which was really just him narrowing his eyes and smelling of desperation.

Naruto thankfully remained silent, and Iruka went about his task. Within minutes, they enjoyed a meal of hot rice with raw egg and seaweed because Iruka was too traumatized to make anything else.

Tradition dictated that the dirty dishes were left to Naruto, and Iruka made sure to repeat that cleaning also involved rinsing the soap out of the sink before he returned to his room and dropped backwards onto his bed. He groaned and smacked himself on the cheeks repeatedly with both hands as punishment for being absolutely clueless last night despite the obvious signs.

A part of him, initially, had been suspicious. Jiraiya was stated to be the dean of the literature department on the university's website, and Hound—Kakashi, dear gods—had appeared to be too young, even with the mask and shockingly silver hair. Iruka should have investigated his gut feeling, though he was unsure the night would have had the same outcome.

Iruka was in the middle of deciding whether he should press his pillow to his face and achieve the eternal peace he always wanted when Naruto burst in with his review book in hand, anxious.

"Did you set something on fire again?" Iruka asked, pillow still suspiciously close to his face.

Naruto fidgeted, and he only ever did so if he thought what he was going to say next would piss Iruka off. "No, there's someone at the door."

"This early? Is it Genma?" Iruka wouldn't be surprised; Genma could smell weakness through walls.

"No, it's that rich guy on your cellphone. He's weird."

Iruka subconsciously moved the pillow closer to asphyxiating distance. He closed both eyes and inwardly repeated every Bhuddist mantra he knew to be rid of this soul sucking nightmare he was trapped in. Iruka opened his right eye a minute later, and Naruto was still there, still anxious.

He then opened his left eye just to make sure.

"Hatake-san is really at the door, isn't he?" Iruka asked after a moment.

"He's in the living room," Naruto blurted out. "And wants to see you. Like, badly."

Iruka sat up and tossed the pillow aside. If he wasn't going to kill himself, then he'd definitely kill Kakashi. "Go to Genma's apartment. If they're not awake, keep knocking. I'll call you when I'm done." He looked at his pajamas in the mirror and grimaced, hoping Kakashi wouldn't mention anything about his old gray sweatpants and Totoro shirt. "If the cops show up, don't bother saving me. I am not above homicide."

Naruto scrambled onto the bed to reach Iruka's lap, like he was eleven again and smaller than the other kids. "Iruka, what's happening? Are you…" he trailed off, uncertain and embarrassed.

"Dating a rich guy to get a job?" Iruka finished and ruffled Naruto's hair, knowing that his concerns didn't warrant anger.

"Yes?"

Iruka smiled and gently pushed Naruto off of him so they could make their way out. "I'm not," he insisted, firmly. "And I never will, so there's nothing to be worried about."

Naruto frowned. "But you just said the cops might show up."

"Genma's apartment, now," Iruka said and watched Naruto sulk past him and through the door.

Iruka waited until he heard the front door slam shut and released a deep breath. Kakashi learning where he lived and wanting to talk to him this soon right before his scheduled interview with the chancellor meant bad news or something worse that Iruka didn't want to think about.

But what he did think about was that if there was no other option besides killing Kakashi, would Iruka use a knife or his bare hands?

Iruka entered the living room, and Kakashi was looking through the bookshelf. It was the most valuable thing he had in the apartment.

"Hatake-san," Iruka greeted, clearing his throat to get the other's attention.

Kakashi turned and almost appeared to be genuinely delighted to see Iruka. "Your collection is impressive," he said, palming a book about Greek mythology. "I am a fan of romance, but it seems yours don't quite have the…enthusiasm mine do."

Iruka felt his brain short circuiting for too many reasons. "Look, Hatake-san. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to know if you were okay and had arrived home safely. It was pretty late when you left." Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets and wore an air of indifference one would a jacket. A nervous habit, Iruka could tell.

"I'm fine," Iruka began, "though, since you're already here, I suppose I could apologize for what I did over an obvious misunderstanding and also thank you for speaking with the chancellor of Konoha University." His mother had raised him to be polite, even if Iruka reminded himself that Kakashi had come to the restaurant in search of a sugar baby.

Iruka had never cared for that stuff before, but he knew the signs and what Kakashi had been getting at when he said companionship and no sex.

Kakashi smiled. "Ah, it was the least I could do. I would have done the same thing you did, now that I think about it."

Remembering his mother drilled many more manners into him, Iruka gestured to the sofa instead of the front door. "Would you like coffee?"

"Tea," Kakashi replied and took a seat. "Caffeine makes me agitated."

Iruka moved to the kitchen and filled the kettle with water. He could feel Kakashi's eyes glued to his back. It was unnerving, but Iruka would not allow his soul to be taken from him.

"So, why exactly were you at the restaurant?" Iruka already knew, he simply wanted to be safe by acting clueless.

"I was looking for someone who wanted to be my sugar baby," Kakashi said casually, as if he were announcing the time of day. "It was a meeting set up by my friends."

Iruka frowned as he turned on the stove. "That's…a concerning group of friends you have. Why a sugar baby?" He turned. Kakashi was still watching him.

"They want me to go out and socialize." Kakashi shrugged and folded his legs under him, looking so much like Naruto for a second.

"Isn't that a little extreme?"

Kakashi smiled again. "It's why I'm here, actually."

"I thought you were here to make sure I was okay," Iruka said suspiciously and forgot about grabbing the maccha.

"That's a part of it, but I came seeking something else."

Iruka turned off the stove and found himself inching closer to the knife drawer. "Which is?"

"The offer still stands," Kakashi replied, standing up and walking over to the kitchen. Iruka looked down and saw him wearing the duck slippers Genma got him as a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift.

"What offer?"

"Becoming my companion. I want you to go on a trip with me."

Iruka became considerably cold and evaluated the possibility of them soul swapping without actually knowing it happened. "You what," he said so flatly that it didn't even come out as a question.

"I enjoyed our conversation last night." Kakashi didn't appear to be fearing for his life, and Iruka would have to remedy that. "You won't have the label of my sugar baby, but perhaps in time we could be friends once I get to know you better. Your dossier only made me more curious."

Iruka gripped the counter. "Why in the world do I have a dossier?"

"You thought Konoha University had no idea about the break up between you and Mizuki, another professor currently employed by them?" Kakashi asked, as if in awe of Iruka's ignorance. "His assurance that there was no bad blood between you was the only reason Tsunade hadn't thrown out your application. Though, I wonder if he gave you the scar on your face even though you reported it was due to an accidental fall during your fight." He tried to reach out and caress it with his thumb, but Iruka immediately stopped him.

"Leave," Iruka hissed and pointed toward the door. "Leave and do not ever speak to me again."

"Iruka—"

Iruka forcibly grabbed Kakashi by the arm, leading him to the door since he refused to move fast enough. "I will not repeat myself. I may be thankful for your help concerning my employment, but I will not do more than express my gratitude."

"Iruka, listen to me—"

"Please do not act so familiar," Iruka snapped. "It is Umino-san, or I will throw you out of this apartment, slippers and all."

Kakashi went silent, brows furrowing, and Iruka almost felt bad. Almost. "I am being honest when I say I mean no harm," he said quietly. "I do truly wish to get to know you."

"Perhaps it's best you continue your search for a sugar baby." Iruka opened the door and watched Kakashi put on his boots. "Have a nice day."

He slammed it shut once Kakashi stepped out.

"You rejected one of the richest and handsomest men in Japan?" Genma asked, his soul sucking eyes equal to Kakashi's fixed onto Iruka as he ominously rolled up a magazine.

Iruka was prepared this time and wouldn't let his soul be siphoned away so easily.

"Yep."

"The same one that got you the job?" Naruto continued from beside Iruka on the ugly couch.

"Yep."

Raidou was in the kitchen buttering toast and had been doing so for the past five minutes and would do so until his death, it seemed. Whose death—Iruka's or Raidou's—Iruka wasn't sure.

Genma, however, was adamant when he believed Iruka had done something stupid. "You rejected the Hatake Kakashi who invited you to go on a trip to probably a nice beach resort or something?"

Iruka held up his hands when the assault by magazine came, and Naruto edged away from the crossfire.

"Iruka, you awful, awful, awful human being," Genma said, accenting his repetition with smacks. "You should have opened your legs."

"Genma!" Iruka and Raidou hissed together, both gesturing toward the seventeen-year-old Naruto.

He ignored them, continuing to beat a hole into Iruka's head with the magazine. "Maybe I can squeeze some sense in there if I reach your skull. This is not the example you want to teach your son."

"What example?" Naruto asked warily.

"If a rich and handsome guy wants to date you, let alone just be your friend, you accept," Genma said and paused his beating to point the magazine at Naruto. "Didn't you say you wanted a new soccer ball because the other one deflated? Kakashi would have bought you millions."

Naruto grabbed the magazine and resumed where Genma left off. "Dad, how could you?!" he yelled, and Iruka could not scramble away fast enough.

"Please stop hitting Iruka," Raidou said dryly, finally appearing with the toast and even tea. "If you kill him, your bodies will join his under the floorboards."

Genma grabbed the magazine from Naruto and hit him on the head with it. "Don't beat your father, where are your manners?" he then hypocritically hit Iruka one final time in order to not face Raidou's wrath. "Why the hell did you not accept?"

"Because I'm a teacher almost turning thirty and have a son?" Iruka deadpanned. "No offense to those who do this but being a sugar baby is not…for me, no matter my financial situation or how hot he is."

Genma raised a brow in disbelief. "How could you look at him and not spread your legs—" Naruto slammed his hands over his ears, and Raidou threatened to beat him with the tray— "he's so hot in person!"

"How would you know?" Iruka asked, suspicious and making sure to put down his tea to press his own hands over Naruto's for good measure. "Don't tell me you were spying through the keyhole."

"We weren't," Raidou answered instead, and Iruka knew he was telling the truth. "We opened the door just as you slammed it because we were worried."

Genma waved the topic off. "Who cares about that? We should be planning on how to get Iruka to beg for forgiveness and be on a trip to Hawaii or wherever while he pays us thousands to watch over Naruto. We know how he needs a good—" Genma eyed Naruto, and then Iruka— "a good vacation."

Naruto rolled his eyes, clearly having heard and understood Genma despite Iruka's attempts to salvage his innocence. He removed Iruka's hands away from his ears.

"I mean, it sucks that I won't have some rich guy buying me cool stuff, but dad has the right to not do something he doesn't want to," Naruto said maturely, and was met with impressed looks. He turned to Iruka to then ask, "Are you sure it's okay to accept the job now? What if he uses that against you?"

Iruka bit his lips, considering the question for a moment. Certainly accepting the job would make him, at some level, connected to Kakashi. Unfortunately, he had to do accept it, and there not much alternatives. They had come all this way to Tokyo.

"It's best I do. Children of faculty members get to attend Konoha University free of charge if they're admitted." Iruka pinched Naruto's cheek, knowing fully well how the boy was capable of great things, but the execution could use some work. "And I know you will be once you re-take your exam. This is simply just another sacrifice I have to make."

"You make too many sacrifices for me," Naruto grumbled, and Genma and Raidou were oddly silent. "Doesn't Mizuki work there too? You guys broke up because of—"

Iruka hastily interjected, "Don't you dare finish that sentence." He grabbed Naruto's hand and gently squeezed to reassure him. "Mizuki won't be an issue. He won't hurt us again because I won't allow him to."

Naruto still didn't look convinced.

"We'll be fine," Iruka concluded. "It may take some time to be sure of that, but as long as we have each other, we can pull through."

"But what if he's one of my teachers? Shit, he probably will be—"

Iruka watched Genma make Naruto his latest victim to magazine bashing. "No cursing!" he shouted, and they all laughed.

The hours until his interview passed relatively quietly if Iruka ignored Genma's insistence that he find Kakashi's number, call him, and tell him yes, he would like to go on a trip, and would not mind being bent over the nearest surface. Naruto had gotten hold of the magazine again, and the poor thing had ripped.

Iruka remained stubborn. If Kakashi had wanted to be friends, he wouldn't have purposely searched private information on him and would have sought him out at school once Iruka was hired. The trips and companionship nonsense weren't necessary.

He pushed aside his frustrations and focused on the matter at hand. The small room that led to the chancellor's office was cold, and Shizune didn't seem keen on turning off the air conditioner. In fact, she looked amused watching him squirm as they waited for Tsunade to finish preparing…whatever it was she was preparing.

And Iruka concluded it was not something good when she opened the door and the first thing he saw was the tokkuri no doubt filled with sake in her hands. Her clothes were rumpled, and she wiped something off from the corner of her lip—drool?—and Iruka hoped fiercely that she hadn't been napping.

She gestured him inside, and Shizune was right behind him as he entered her office. It was clean, for the most part, and the paperwork was stacked somewhat neatly. Tsunade at least acted professional despite all signs saying she would rather be elsewhere. Like a bar.

The desk between them was large, and Iruka nearly sank into the plush cushion of his chair.

"Umino Iruka," she began, and Shizune quietly moved the takkuri away when Tsunade set it down. "I was impressed by your resume. Graduating secondary school early and finishing your academic career with the highest honors as a double major aren't easy achievements."

"Thank you."

"However," Tsunade continued and grabbed a file off to the side, "what concerns me is your history with one of our current faculty members. Mizuki has given us his account, but before I place you on our team, even with the brat's recommendation, I want to know yours."

Iruka bowed his head and clenched his fists in his lap. "Mizuki was fine, initially. That's how it goes usually doesn't it?" he smiled bitterly, and Tsunade remained silent. "I'm sure he's fine as a teacher, but in the realm of romance, he's lacking. Mizuki gets jealous and has a habit of controlling every detail. It progressed quickly after months of dating to the point of it being obsessive to me in particular."

"Take your time," Shizune advised, when he had gone silent.

Tsunade pushed a box of tissues to his side of the desk, and it was oddly comforting, though Iruka was sure he wouldn't cried. He had already done that enough.

Iruka took a deep breath. "I got him help eventually, because I knew our relationship was bound to fall apart if he didn't," he said. "He got better, and I had been so happy. Until I brought Naruto into my life, then it was like all the progress reverse in an instant."

"What happened?" Tsunade urged.

"I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to," Iruka admitted. "In the middle of arguing, I became unfortunately acquainted with a glass vase I kept in the kitchen. I woke up days later in the hospital without memory of how that even happened, and the authorities were unable to prove if my scars were accidental or had been inflicted by Mizuki. I never saw him again after that. He had already left for Tokyo."

Tsunade folded her hands and observed him. "He didn't have a criminal record, so we accepted him to fill in the vacancy in our history department."

"I figured as much," Iruka replied, trying not to shake.

"However, this situation concerns me, but a public investigation so soon after the incident with Orochimaru would put me in a tight spot." She bit her lip. "I can only offer you a position as a librarian. It would keep the two of you far away from each other until I have the time and resources to make sure Mizuki is not a danger to the student body because your word alone isn't enough to even suspend him."

"But—"

She raised her hand. "I know you applied for the physics department. This is to avoid problems arising too early. You'll be a professor when the time comes." What suspiciously sounded like "or when the brat pesters me hard enough," was added as a whisper, but Iruka wasn't sure.

Shizune came forward and handed Iruka a flyer. "These are classes offered to secondary school students who need assistance in preparing for the entrance exams. Your son can attend these free of charge on campus."

Iruka accepted the paper in awe. "Thank you." He paused and frowned. "Are you helping me because of Hatake-san?" Iruka couldn't help but ask.

"It has nothing to do with the brat," Tsunade laughed. "I value character, Iruka-sensei, and I also recognize sacrifice. Not everyone adopts a kid at twenty-one. I certainly won't do it in my fifties."

She offered her hand, and Iruka reached forward, not needing even a second to think about it.

"I accept."