Emotions of the Heart--part 18 of The Island of Galleno (Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss.)
by Isabelle
Rating: R (for cursing, mild nudity, adult situations and violence)
Disclaimers: BTVS belong to Joss Whedon, ME, and UPN they are being used for entertainment, I don't own them. The Count of Monte Cristo belongs to Alexandre Dumas--Spike's journey was taken from the idea of the book and is used in the skeleton of the Series. The lyrics used in this chapter are owned by Hoobastank and are called Running Away.
Summary: The moment that Spike finally has Buffy he is vamp-napped by Riley and a new officer, Jack Marshall and sent to the Island of Galleno off the Moroccan coast where all the leftovers of the Initiative are being placed. Buffy frantically looks for Spike but gets news that he was 'accidentally killed' by Jack, who decides to make Sunnydale his residence. The whole thing is Spike trying to get back to Sunnydale and Buffy thinking he's dead. It's filled with exotic places, tons of Original Characters, mysticism, enchantment, magic and love. It takes him years to find out who he is before he can find the one he loves.
Spoilers: Set after Normal Again, Season 6
Feedback: bih80reviews@yahoo.com
Archiving: Carnal Sins, DeathMarkedLove, and Only Time--all others please ask.
A/N: This might be a pretty dark chapter, lots of anger, frustration, pain and betrayal going on all around.
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"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." -Chinese Proverb
Dawn softly opened William's door. She sighed. He was inside, sleeping peacefully.
Walking to the side of his bed she bent down and kissed his cheek.
He had a restless sleep, she knew as a frown was pasted on his face.
"Shhhh... sweet dreams, William," she cooed softly as she ran her hand through his hair. He whimpered but then got quiet, finally reaching an undisturbed sleep.
"Soon our little family will be together, soon daddy will be home," she whispered.
From the crack of the door Jack listened to Dawn whisper to William. His eyes narrowed.
Soon Daddy will be home?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
"How can you deny it?" she spit out at him. Her green eyes were blazing and he was sure that if she still was the Slayer she would've hit him so hard it would've snapped his neck.
He sighed and leaned back, lighting a cigar that he took from his coat pocket. "I'm rather confused, Madam. My name is Zeru Perl--"
"You're name is William, William the Bloody who also goes by the name of Spike." she studied his face, not believing he was denying it. "Why are you doing this?"
It was killing him, it was to see her there all hurt and betrayed and all because of him. But he felt too much anger, too much hate towards what had happened.
"William the Bloody? What type of a common cheap name is that?" he spit out, almost angry at her for confronting him this way.
"One belonging to a cheap liar like yourself," she snapped back, sadness mixing in with her anger.
"That's enough! I demand that you leave my car at once--"
The moment he said that the limo started moving. He pressed the button to contact Lugo. "Stop the car, Mrs. Marshall is getting out now."
"No, Mrs. Marshall is not," Lugo told him and turned off his speaker, leaving Spike hanging. Spike gritted his teeth and glared at the communicator.
"Looks like I have some people on my side," Buffy told him quietly.
He took a deep breath. "Mrs. Marsh--"
"Buffy," she demanded.
Another deep breath. "Buffy--please, I understand that perhaps I remind you of someone you once knew--"
"Yeah, perhaps he really is dead, ha? Perhaps my Spike is dead and you're just a shell."
That bothered the hell out of him.
"Perhaps you're delusional?" he spit back.
Her bottom lip trembled. "Why... why are you doing this?" she whispered, hoarsely.
Spike looked away, jaw clenching in anger.
She smiled crookedly. That was a trademark Spike gesture. "Look at yourself--I know it's you, Spike. You can no longer fool me."
He scolded himself internally--he was supposed to watch his every move. "I want you out of my car."
But his eyes never met hers, always staring out the window.
They were silent for a while, only letting the buzzing of the outside world to keep them company in their turmoil.
"Tell me you no longer love me--that you never loved. That all those times it was only lies. Tell me all that and I'll leave you alone, alone in your lies and your deceits." she stared him down. "Look at me and tell me, say it to my face, watch the sadness wash over me when you say it. If never loved me, you'd be able to stand it."
But he didn't look at her. He didn't look at her until the limo stopped and looking outside Spike could see that they were back at her house. Where her husband resided.
He was not going to say it.
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
"You have a son, I don't know how, I don't know why but you do. And if I'm not mistaken I believe he knows it. You will not come here and fill his heart with hopes and then crush it with your arrogance, he's just a little child and he loved you before he met you."
He looked at her. "I would never hurt William."
She nodded, small tears running down her face and she wrapped her coat around herself and stepped out of the limo as Lugo opened the door for her--defeated. She stopped, looked back at a stony Spike. "You just did." With that she walked into her house, walking as slowly as ever, never feeling more hurt and alone.
Lugo snapped his head to glare down at Spike.
"Get in 'ere," Spike hissed at him.
Lugo rolled his eyes and entered the limousine. Sitting opposite to Spike he waited for him to speak.
"Never, ever, interfere with my business," he spit out, low and venomously. "If I would've been the same man I was a decade ago I would've killed you--you remember that." he looked at him. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Nothing, I don't regret it, Zeru," he looked at him hard. "Here you have a woman that loves you. A beautiful woman who has your child and a woman whom you love back and you hurt her this way? Why, Zeru? Who are you really angry at? Yourself? Her? Him?" Lugo studied his face and Spike clenched and unclenched his jaw. "What are you gaining from this."
"It matters not now--she made her choice years ago... I'm making my choice now," he murmured.
Lugo nodded in mock agreement. "So this is how it is, then? You find all you've looked for and then you walk away from it."
"I never found anything," Spike snapped back. He pointed at the house. "She's lost--in there, with her fancy human husband and my child whom she's raised as his, now you tell me if you would forgive everything!"
"She thought you were dead!" Lugo argued, completely frustrated with him.
"I am dead! I died the moment I was taken from her!" Spike cried out, veins in his neck standing out.
Lugo studied the vampire for what seemed like hours, watched him as he growled softly in anger and resignation. "You are dead," he whispered to him. "And she doesn't deserve a corpse."
The young man got out of the limo, leaving Spike to seethe on his own.
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cause I did enough to show you that
I Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
Buffy was breathing in short spurts when she finally reached her bedroom. She didn't bother to take off her dress or coat, she simply looked around at her bedroom.
Nothing here felt like home. Home was nothing.
She felt so lost and alone and so... desperate. For just one look from him, for just one...*something*, she couldn't do this, she could feel her soul slowly dying within it's pain.
She walked to her bed, her large soft bed that she shared with no one but memories, nothing but shadows of the past.
She had to stop living in the past.
The past obviously didn't want her back.
But it was hard, it hurt--like a knife wound.
Slowly she sank in her bed and cried herself to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack was smoking his cigar when as he watched Buffy run up the stairs on the verge of tears--she had been so involved she hadn't seen him sitting in the dark, just observing her.
Something was off--something he didn't like... he felt something very old and influential in town.
His eyes narrowed as he heard her sobs.
He stood up cautiously and went to the far wall of his study, where no one was allowed to go.
Looking over his library he selected a book.
The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.
Pulling it out of it's slot he held it in his hand, dust covered it--it had been along time since he had used this.
He blew on the cover, watching as the dust floated in the dim light of the night and smiled and he opened the top.
The book was hollow inside and held a single small cell phone.
Picking it up he turned it on and dialed 6.
"Is this an emergency, Mr. Marshall," a poised operator asked him.
"Yes, I need you to find out all you can about a certain Lord Zeru Perling... it's a matter of national security." he said, looking around to make sure he was alone.
"Give us five hours and we'll fax everything to your secure server," she answered.
"Right then, five hours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Spike walked in a sort of daze as he entered his house that night.
He could've sworn he'd never felt more dead.
"I suppose you think what you did tonight was clever?"
He spun around and cursed himself for not sensing her. "I thought you were leaving, and what is it with women sneaking into my house?"
"I was leaving... until Lugo called me," she explained.
"Lugo called you?" Spike's eyes narrowed.
"Don't you dare snap at him," she hissed and walked around him, revealing her indigenous clothes of bare mid-drift and loose hair. "I can't believe you, Zeru!"
Spike growled and walked to his liquor cabinet. She quickly followed and snatched the drink he was about to drown away.
"Makes no bloody difference and mind your own business," he growled at her.
She slapped him, leaving him stunned and having this weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"It's not to I whom you must apologize, Zeru." she started pacing, a nasty habit she had caught on from him. "I don't understand you white-skins, my people, when they love something they go after it with all they are."
"You don't think I went after her? For two bloody years I followed her 'round like a puppy dog!" now he was the one who was pacing like a maniac--like a caged tiger who's been poked too long. "But no, the moment I finally get 'er we're just messed up and it only makes me think that you know, something up there is just tweaking with me because I have the bratty luck of getting her pregnant and leaving that--that--that poofter to move in my life! My life!" he took the bourbon and threw it against the wall, causing glass and liquor splash everywhere. "My bloody life!" he roared. "It's my life he's got! My girl, my kid, my Nibblet! He's got the whole damn enchilada and I can't do nothing but sit here on my arse and feel sorry for myself! Well fuck him... and fuck you!" he cried miserably. "And then suddenly I'm expected to just 'hey baby, all forgiven!' let's go back to the way it bloody was!" he growled and took a table and smashed it against the wall. "I died for 'er and now I find 'er all cozy in the arms of the same bastard who did this to me, the fucking bitch!" Another glass cup met the wall, crystals were thrown everywhere. He looked at her. "And you know what keeps me from going insane? You know what it is?"
She stood stock still and shook her head, too afraid to move and too smart to say anything.
"I have," he picked up a book and flung it. "A bloody kid!" A chair went flying. "A fucking kid!"
She winced when another chair went through the window and crashed down to the lawn from the second story.
"Well she can keep the tike! I don't need 'im, I don't need 'er, I don't need 'im and I don't," he pointed at her. "Need you."
It dawned on her that he was drunk off his ass, the little trip to the house was filled with emptying his stash from the car--his very large stash.
He wobbled a bit, sniffed, looked around... and fell face forward, flat on his face and fast asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
She felt someone poking her shoulder and giving her little kisses on her face that she reluctantly opened her dry eyes.
She had been crying all night and she felt in serious need of a shower.
"Mommy, wake up," she heard him whispering.
One green eye opened and looked at her. "What's wrong, baby?"
"No one's home," he whispered back.
"Where's Theresa and Julius?" she asked her son, sleepily.
"Jack told them to take the week off," he said, not meeting her eyes.
She instantly sat up. "Why did you call your father Jack?"
His small lips pursed and he glared at nothing in particular. "He's not my dad.... I hate him."
"Sit up here," she told him.
He climbed her bed with some difficulty. "Why didn't you tell me you knew about Spike?"
William's eyes instantly lit up. "He told me not to."
"He told you to lie to me?" she asked in disbelief.
"No! He said it was our secret..." he frowned. "But I was bad and told Aunty Dawn--"
"Dawn knew?!" Buffy was in complete disbelief.
William nodded sadly.
"Oh, wait till I find my sister," she seethed.
"Don't be mad mommy, Daddy wanted to surprise you!" William insisted.
Buffy's heart hurt too much to let that get to her. "No, William... he wasn't going to tell me."
"But--"
"He might be your father, but he's not your dad. Jack is your dad, don't you remember all these years?"
"He never plays with me and tells me mean things and one time you weren't home and he locked me in my room while I cried cause there wuz monsters in my closet!" tears were streaking down his cheeks. "Daddy said that he was never going to hurt me again and I want my dad!"
Buffy sat helpless watching the one person she loved more in this world--more than Spike more than her sister more than her friends and watcher, she loved her child most and now he was crying because he wanted his father and she couldn't provide him with one. Jack had never been a decent father--even she knew that and Spike was obviously too involved in his own anger.
"I want my daddy!" he sobbed.
Buffy reached out for him but he shrunk away and jumped off the bed the way only a five year old can and slipped out of her room, slamming his bedroom door closed and trying to hide sobs in his quilt.
Buffy sighed and laid down on the bed.
"Damn you, Spike," she whispered hoarsely.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
When he woke up he had a pounding headache.
So hard and so intense that he wished he'd stayed unconscious. "Bloody 'ell," he muttered.
He felt a heart beat in the room and opened one blue eye to check who it was.
He was wrong. He winced, there were two heart beats and two pairs of eyes glaring at him.
"I musta' pissed many people off last night, didn't I?"
Lugo walked up to him and handed him a glass of water and four aspirins.
"Thanks," he murmured.
He swallowed them quickly and hoped they'd work fast... at least before the bat beating over the head begun.
"So..." he looked at both Lugo and Fadma. "What can I do for you today?"
Lugo took this as his cue to leave the room, though he did pause to glare at Spike one last time. Fadma was eerily quiet.
It unnerved Spike to no end and he shuffled under his covers.
"I'm naked," he stated rather plainly.
"I know," she answered, very snappish.
He swallowed and looked around for his pants. She caught on.
"You ruined a six thousand dollar suit," she informed him.
"Bugger," he muttered and ran his hand through his hair--it was then that he noticed something. Something that made him quite mad.
His beard was gone.
Now there was no doubt that he was Spike.
"What the--"
"Kinda hard to deny who you are when you can't hide behind your mask, huh?" she asked him in Arabic.
He growled. "How dare you!?"
"I dare many things, are you going to defy me?" she snapped back, not moving anything but her perfectly red painted lips.
"You have a lot of nerve--"
"You listen to me very carefully, Jack is up to something, if you do not get her and the child out of there today I'm afraid he might--"
Spike almost stood up despite his clothe-less condition. "I'll kill 'im!"
"I thought you were already going to do that?" she asked him. "I thought your goal had always been to be with Buffy," she studied his hollow eyes. "When did you verge from the road, Zeru? Since the gold? Let me tell you something from someone who's had gold all her life--it doesn't get you anything. Gold is a material possession that comes and goes as quickly as the wind and it's never stable."
He looked down, almost ashamed, almost about to puke from the pounding in his head and chest.
"You two have something, William," she used his name, tired of the sound of Z's and U's. "Something I have never had, something I wish I had," her voice cracked a little. "And here you are throwing it all away with both hands. Do you love her?"
He didn't answer but clenched his jaw back and forth.
"Do you love her?" she repeated herself.
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
...What is it I've got to say...
"Yes, I bloody well love 'er!"
"Can you forgive her, the same way I know she'll forgive your harsh words?" she asked him, now standing up and looking down at him.
"You know I will... it's just that... I need time..."
"But you don't have the time. Time is ticking, William. Your son continues without a father and she continues without her love. What more can a couple a months mean to them, you might ask yourself? When you're by yourself, a day turns into a year, and a month becomes a lifetime. You're a vampire, William. They only have a few years, she's a mortal woman and he's a mortal child... time will go by fast and swiftly and before you know it all you'll have are memories--that's all you'll have." she was silently crying, letting tears run down her face. "I'm telling you now that this is your moment, William. Be strong, be a man and make that time gold, swallow your pride, forgive and forget... before you turn into the same heartless man who hurt you... the longer you wait, the more you remind me of Jack Marshall."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last time he had needed mom he had found his dad.
In his mind, if he set out to find him he would find him once more.
So he packed his same book bag, placed Piglet inside along with Mr. Gordo who had given the small pink pig the evil eye, also with some drawings he'd made with his dad and his blankie and zipped it up.
He pulled on his favorite outfit once more and started his climb out the window.
It was not until two hours later that Buffy decided to check on him, she was sure he had fallen asleep crying which hurt her most of all but she knew he needed to get it out of his system.
Before she knocked on his door, there was a ringing from the front door.
She sighed and decided to let William sleep until she took care of the company.
She tied her robe closer around her body and went downstairs since Jack had gone off on decision making once more and left her without their house help.
She opened the door gingerly but found before her the last person she would've ever imagined.
Clad in black silk robes, with her face half covered stood Fadma.
"Your highness--"
"Let's get over the pleasantries, shall we?" she asked.
Buffy nodded and stood back to let her in.
So this was Spike's wife? She sniffed inside.
Fadma looked around her house--obviously the previous night's party had not been cleaned after and it made Buffy all the more self conscious as she had no make up and her hair was freshly washed, in her bathrobe while the woman before her stood in impeccable beauty.
"You love him," Fadma stated.
Buffy took some time before she thought of what to say. "As do you."
Fadma smiled and let down her veil. "You're very observant, Buffy Summers."
Buffy stared at her. "You know everything?"
"Yes, I do."
"I've never had the intention of taking your husband away--"
Fadma laughed. "Oh but it would've only been a matter of time, wouldn't it? I know because I would've done the same thing." Fadma looked around and decided to take one of the foyer seats. "We're very much alike, you and I. We both love the same man, we both would give our lives for those whom we loved and we're both women not to be trifled with."
Buffy shifted uncomfortably. "I think you've won and it's best you leave... along with him." she hugged herself. "Me and my son will be alright--we've always made it through somehow, I don't need Spike."
"Maybe you don't... but maybe you do. It's all about want, really if you think of it. Would you rather live your life just you and your child than him at your side along with the child," Fadma said theoretically.
Buffy sighed. "Both of you are obviously in love, I won't break that... if he's happy then I'm happy for him."
Fadma smiled. "You're very generous, dear. But we're not in love. At least he's not." She looked directly at Buffy. "I tried so very hard, I did... but you see, you can't fall in love with someone, when you're in love with someone else. He loves me, yes--but not in the same manner he loves you. Like he's always had."
Buffy stiffened but didn't look away. "What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying that although it is I who poses as his wife, it's not me whom he's given this to," with that she stretched out her first, holding something inside and offering it to Buffy.
Buffy stared at her fist for some time when she sighed and decided to take what was being offered. There, in her tiny golden hand, laid an earring.
The same earring he had taken from her that night when he disappeared so long ago. Buffy gasped, trembling and pulled from the inside of her robe a long chain hidden within. The charm was the earring's sister--the charm she had never taken off.
"I think we both know who has won," Fadma whispered to her, smiling sadly.
So why are you running away?
...To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TBC...
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