Immortal Coil
A South Park One Shot by Andew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non profit fan based work of prose. South Park, et al are the property of Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Viacom. Please support the official release.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All characters in this fic have been aged up to seventeen-eighteen, legal age. I don't write this kind of stuff with minors.
A brief flashback...
In the aftermath of the Marsh family divorce, Randy Marsh was in a pot induced stupor. He just stared at his laptop and watched cute kitty videos. Then, there was a knock at the farmhouse door. He ignored it... Even as it continued... Before finally, whoever was knocking gave up. Randy nodded in approval... Then he heard his window being forced open.
"Urk... Ugh... Goddamnit... Fucking balls...!" The intruder fell over onto the floor, hard. "FUCK! SHIT!"
"Just don't take the TV, the pot or the beer," Randy moaned, "and it'll be cool."
"Ugh! Goddamnit!" The form of Eric Cartman resolved itself in his vision. He scowled angrily.
"Goddamnit I'm not a robber, jackass!"
"Oh. Hey Eric," Randy murmured. He took another drag from his doobie, "you want to buy some pot?"
"Ugh, no, I'm here to tell you," Cartman scowled as Randy looked back at his screen, and shut the lid of the laptop, "to TELL YOU that you gotta get your shit together!"
"Huh?" Randy asked, blinking.
"You might have given up on life. But I haven't given up on you, asshole!" Cartman exclaimed.
"Why?" Randy asked. Cartman looked aside.
"Truth be told, growing up without a dad was tough. I envied what you and Stan had, ya know? And you were actually... Kind of kewl. To me. Sometimes."
Randy sniffles a bit. "Really? I'm... Kewl?"
"Totally," Cartman confirmed. "And I want to help you out with your farm!"
Randy frowned, suspicious.
"Out of the goodness of your heart? That doesn't sound like you."
"Normally, no, but it is!" Cartman insisted. Randy continued to stare blankly, and Cartman fidgeted. He then heaved a sigh.
"And I wanna make money to buy a Mercedes," he admitted. Randy continued to stare. Cartman blushed and scowled, clenching his fists. "To impress a girl I think is hot!"
"What girl?" Randy pressed.
"Oh come on-!"
"What girl?"
Cartman groaned loudly, and blushed. He muttered something. Randy frowned.
"What was that-?"
"YOUR DAUGHTER OKAY?!" Cartman shouted. "Ever since she got her dental thing removed and dumped that poor McCormick asshole she's... Hot! Also how she rags on Stan and Kyle! Okay?!"
Randy hummed thoughtfully.
"But you don't want my pot or beer... Right?"
"Right!" Cartman confirmed. "And. Well... If Stan is just gonna abandon you, not seeing how kewl you are... Why can't I be there for you instead?"
Randy was silent for a while. He looked around his house,, bare of any family photos now. There was only piles of snack wrappers, beer cans, and Bob Marley posters.
Randy slowly nodded.
"Ya know Eric... I can respect your honesty. Maybe I can be the father you need. Maybe... We can both be what the other needs."
He stood up, and Cartman winced at the sight of the middle aged man in nothing but his tighty whiteys.
Randy put his hand on Cartman's shoulder with a big smile.
"Let's get to work, huh? Eric?"
"Sure, Mister Marsh," Eric said kindly.
"Call me Randy," he said.
"Bingo," Cartman muttered, grinning evilly as Randy looked away.
The middle aged man then bent over, and Cartman shut his eyes with a shudder.
"First things first, Eric: Help me find my pants?"
"It'll all be worth it, it'll all be worth it," Cartman muttered to himself, "sure thing, Mister Marsh!"
The Present...
Wendy could have tracked Stan down easily, but Kenny had suggested they just give him some time.
"The worst that will happen is he dates a Raisins girl or goes goth again," Kenny had said wisely, "and it helps Henrietta thinks he's hot."
That did mollify her fears a bit, but they needed something more. Something cathartic.
And thankfully, South Park was willing to provide an emergency to deal with.
A fire had broken out at South Park Elementary, and it was the perfect emergency for Call Girl and Mysterion to respond to. They arrived quickly, and jumped over the fence to the smoke filled school.
Wendy went to work with her hacking, and analyzed her findings as she flipped through multiple channels of information at lightning speed.
"Fire started in home economics, security cameras show it hit some oily rags from shop and it's spreading," she said. "Emergency sprinklers aren't turning on!"
"Great, the union's been embezzling again," Mysterion grunted.
"Looks like the kids in a class room on the second floor are trapped," Wendy said. Mysterion nodded, and hefted his grappling hook. He tossed it up into one of the windows.
"You get the sprinklers going, I'll get the kids out," he ordered.
"Roger," she said. She paused for a moment, touching his arm. "Be careful. Please."
Mysterion flashed her a smile.
"Promise," he said, before he swung up and climbed rapidly. He dashed through the smoke, pulling on a gas mask. Courtesy of Call Girl, his phone pointed him in the right direction through all the smoke. He grabbed a fire extinguisher on the way there. He held his cape up as he dashed through some flames, skidding to a halt in front of a burning pile of debris blocking a door. He could hear kids screaming and beating against the door. He got to the window, and looked inside. Several kids all waved their arms, and screamed. Their teacher, an old man, was trying to keep them calm.
"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND COVER YOUR EARS!" Kenny shouted through his mask. He pounded on the door, and repeated his order. The kids seemed to get the message, backing away to the other side of the classroom. Kenny rummaged in his belt pouches, and pulled out a homemade bomb. It wasn't very sophisticated, but it should do the job. He attached it to the pile of debris, and ran for cover. He then pulled out a rocket kit remote trigger, and pushed down on the button.
KABOOM!
A hole was ripped open in the door, scattering the debris. Kenny ran in, and raised his voice so the kids could hear him.
"EVERYONE! GO! DOWN THE STAIRS!" He shouted. He used his extinguisher as best he could, spraying the flames ahead of him to provide a path. The kids soon followed, keeping their heads down and coughing. The old man struggled a bit, before he collapsed. Kenny caught him.
"N-No, leave me! My ankle's broken! Get the kids out!" The old man begged. "Stop screwing around!"
"No can do, sir," Mysterion replied. He hefted the man up over his shoulders into a fireman's carry, and staggered through the door. He headed out, following the kids. The last one had just started down the stairs... When another part of the roof collapsed in front of them. Mysterion fell back onto one knee, and covered the teacher with his cape. The floor rumbled and groaned. Mysterion looked up and saw the way down the stairs was completely blocked.
"Fuck," he muttered. He helped the old man back up, and tried for another classroom. More of the ceiling was falling as they did, but Kenny could see sunlight through the windows.
Just a little further... A little further...!
An air conditioning unit fell through the weakened roof, and Myterion threw the old man clear as it landed on his leg. He bit back a scream of agony-His leg wasn't broken, but he was pinned. And the old man was struggling nearby.
Damnit, damnit... damnit...! Why won't anyone else get here?! Lazy fucks! Mysterion though angrily. Sure, he would be fine, but the old man...
An orange energy drill, as big around as a beachball, blasted through the wall and the AC unit. Mysterion felt it give, and he pulled himself free. He got to the old man, hefted him up, and sprinted for the window. He threw his trusty grappling hook onto one of the window frames, and jumped just as the rest of the floor gave way!
He caught his rope, and slammed his feet into the side wall of the building. His muscles screamed, his arms ached-The old man was screaming bloody murder. They slammed into the grass outside the front lawn, and Kenny went into a roll to kill any potentially lethal inertia. He and the old man tumbled, hard. He laid on his back in the grass, breathing and coughing hard for a moment. He got up, and checked on the old man.
He was groaning loudly, but his pulse was steady (if fast). Mysterion saw some EMTs running towards them, and decided it was time to go. He headed off as fast as he could, just as the water sprinklers went off and doused the flames. He hopped over the fence to a nearby tree... Where Call Girl was waiting. She immediately hugged him tightly, and kissed him. He returned it happily.
"Mwah... You okay?" He asked.
"Me? I'm fine! Took forever to get the plumbing running again," she said, "what was that orange blast?"
A car screeched to a halt nearby, and they both looked over. A familiar Subaru was running, its driver's side window down. The door opened, and Toolshed, aka Stan Marsh, got out. Mysterion grinned.
"Wow dude... Hell of a shot," Mysterion said. "I owe you one-"
Toolshed threw a screwdriver, and it shot at him like a bullet! Mysterion took the hit right in his chest, and staggered back as Wendy gaped.
"Toolshed?! What the fuck?!" Call Girl shouted.
"I missed him the last time," Toolshed snarled, holding up his power drill, "I won't this time."
The shot had hurt, but the kevlar armor plate on his chest (Wendy had insisted on it) had prevented it from going all the way through. That said, it was clear Stan was not playing around. To which there was only one thing to really say.
"... Well... Shit," Kenny muttered.
Toolshed was, in Mysterion's estimation, one of the strongest of the Freedom Pals. Not to mention one of the most flexible: He could hit at close range, hit at long range, and had great strength. Stan was also very tough. Maybe because of his training, maybe because of his powers-Mysterion wasn't entirely sure.
That said, Mysterion knew his teammates very well. So while he was surprised over Stan deciding to go nuts like this, he wasn't surprised for long.
He dropped a smoke bomb, and when he heard Stan activate his blower, he dashed through the smoke. He leaped up, and threw his momentum into a punch right into Stan's face.
"Thought I was going to feint, didn't ya?" Mysterion taunted as Stan fell back, his yellow safety goggles broken and falling to the ground. Stan looked back up-And Mysterion and Call Girl both gasped.
His eyes were blood red, his pupils large and dilated. The veins in his neck and across his forehead were pulsing dangerously.
"Stan, what the fuc-?!"
"YOU CAN'T TAKE HER FROM ME!" Stan roared, blood pouring from his nostrils. He unleashed another massive drill blast, and Wendy and Kenny threw themselves out of the way. Call Girl rolled behind a tree, as Mysterion threw firecrackers at Stan.
"Come on Stan! After me! You want me, right?!" Mysterion shouted. He ran and leaped up over the fence into the elementary school playground. As he hopped over the fence, a circular saw slash cut the chain link apart. Mysterion landed in a hard roll, transitioning back to a run across the asphalt. He hoped to get to the swing sets before Stan caught up-But five orange drills shot up out of the ground in front of him. He nearly lost his right foot as he flipped backwards, away from the deadly drill bits.
"Mysterion!"
He pressed his fingers against his earpiece as he turned around to face the spazzing Toolshed.
"Call Girl?"
"I hacked into Stan's Fitbit-His pulse is racing! HIs blood pressure is going crazy! His signals are nuts-He can't take this for long!"
"Oh shit," Kenny muttered. "What the fuck did you take, Stan?!"
"SHUT UP!" Toolshed roared, throwing a hail of screwdrivers and other tools. Mysterion threw firecrackers back, dodging as fast as he could. More screwdrivers slashed across his legs and shoulders.
"The readings are just like my dad's when he tried that fucking Tegridy beer-Oh goddamnit," Wendy sighed.
"Fuck," Kenny agreed. "My dad went fucking apeshit on it!"
"Hang on!" Wendy cried. "I have an idea!"
Wendy ran up behind Stan and launched herself at him, slamming her escrima sticks into Stan's back. Stan roared and swung a crowbar back at Wendy. She blocked the blow with her sticks, but he cut clean through them!
"Oh shit," Wendy shouted. She rammed a kick up into Stan's stomach, but he lashed out with the crowbar again. She barely blocked it with her gauntlets, as Kenny tackled and locked Stan in a chokehold.
"Damnit Stan... We're trying... To help you...!" Kenny shouted.
"STOP... TAKING... EVERYTHING FROM ME!" Stan shouted back, gritting his teeth so hard it was audible.
"This won't win me back, Stan! STOP IT!" Wendy yelled, sliding past Stan's crowbar to ram an elbow into his solar plexus. He staggered back, and then rammed his drill down into the ground. The asphalt erupted around them, and the ground gave way. Kenny held onto Stan for dear life as they fell into an underground cavern. Wendy screamed as she fell in, grabbing onto the edge of the hole to keep from following below.
Kenny groaned as he stood up out of the rubble.
"Goddamnit, why are there so many damn underground caverns in this fucking town?" Kenny muttered. He looked around at the pipes, wires, and cables all over the cavern. "Shit, so many utilities-"
And Stan erupted out of the rubble, a quickly cobbled together powered exoskeleton now encasing his body. He roared in rage as he threw his machine enhanced arms up into the air, and pointed his power drill at Wendy. Kenny's eyes widened.
"STAN DON'T!" Kenny shouted, leaping up and grabbing onto Stan's drill arm. "DUDE! THIS ISN'T YOU!"
"I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT!" Stan roared, blood pouring from his eyes. Kenny's own blood dripped onto his face. "I LOSE EVERYTHING! I MESS UP EVERYTHING! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! EVERYTHING'S... EVERYTHING'S...!"
Stan's heartbeat was so loud Kenny could hear it. The guy... He was going to kill himself. Because of his fucking dad. Because of fucking Cartman.
Because of him.
Well... There was one way to resolve this.
"Trust me dude, take it from someone who knows," Mysterion said gently, "there's always a second chance! Don't do it! Don't be an asshole!"
"YOU TOOK IT FROM ME!" Stan shouted, powering up his ultimate.
"STAN! DON'T!" Wendy shouted from above.
"FULL BORE!" Stan shouted.
Kenny swung himself up and took the full blast of the gigantic, superpowered energy drill. Stan's bloodshot eyes widened in horror as the expanding drill-shaped energy blast ripped through Mysterion.
"OH GOD KENNY!" Stan shouted, realization blasting through him like his ultimate strike.
Mysterion managed a smile just before his body was torn to bits.
"Problem... Solved..."
The only scream that was louder than Wendy's... Was Stan's.
Juuuust a bit more drama. Then the fun resumes.