Immortal Coil
A South Park Fanfiction by Andew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non profit fan based work of prose. South Park, et al are the property of Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Viacom. Please support the official release.
The world was fire and chaos. His body and mind raged like an inferno. He was in pieces connected by threads of flames. He could see Wendy shrieking at him. He could see Kyle land nearby, his face filled with disbelief.
"Stan? STAN! What happened?!"
He was standing with Kyle in another place and time, when they were younger. His parents were divorced again, and Kyle and Cartman had opened their own burger stand. He had been so depressed from turning 10, he had taken to the bottle and violence. But in that moment, with Kyle, he had found peace.
"The future is bright and full of possibilities!" He had said that. He remembered.
Then his father showed up again, getting back together with his mom. She had explained sadly that when you got older "sometimes it's best to stick with what you know."
Kyle and Cartman's business failed (something about Ass Burgers). Everything went back to the Sumiree, inescapable grind.
There was no way out. There was no way out.
Save one.
Stan coughed up blood as he laughed. He laughed maniacally as the world became terribly clear.
"St-Stan? What happened?!" Kyle tried. Stan just grinned.
"I killed him! I killed Kenny," he laughed.
Kyle's eyes widened in horror as he hovered above Stan. Wendy moved forward, cautious in the open pit.
"You-you didn't-!" She tried, but Stan's laughter grew louder and angrier.
"I KILLED KENNY!" He roared. He locked eyes with Kyle. "You know what that makes me?!"
"A-You-" Kyle tried, but Stan beat him to it.
"A BASTARD! JUST LIKE MY DAD!" Stan roared, unleashing a barrage from a nail gun. Wendy barely got behind a pile of rubble for cover, while Kyle took some shots as he flew upwards.
"STAN! STOP! IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THE TEGRIDY-!" Wendy cried.
"No! NO!" Stan shouted, "I finally figured it out! I learned something today! It doesn't matter what I do! It doesn't matter what I try! MY FATE IS SEALED! I'll be just like my dad! A lying, uncaring, murderous piece of SHIT WHO RUINS EVERYTHING!"
Kyle fired his eye lasers, but Stan pulled up some pipes to absorb the shot. Wendy threw some cellphones at him, her eyepiece glowing as she linked into them.
"PHONE DESTROYER!" They sang, detonating in sequence. The smoke cleared, revealing a wall of wires and pipes that had encased Stan. He emerged, hyperventilating as blood ran from his eyes and nose.
"STAN! STOP IT!" Wendy shouted, "YOU'RE DYING! IF YOU DON'T STOP YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
"STAN! LISTEN TO HER!" Kyle shouted, diving to try and grab his best friend, "STOP THIS BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF!"
A drill blast greeted Kyle, and he was grazed in his dodge. He slammed hard into the dirt, tumbling into the wall.
"That's what I want," Stan gasped, "that's what I deserve!"
Then... Maybe the cycle would end.
Arriving at the Pearly Gates was usually pretty peaceful. It would fill Kenny with a divine peace and tranquility.
However, as he landed at the entrance, he was in no mood for inner peace.
"Jesus, I need-!" Kenny began, but the Son of God smoothly interrupted him.
"I know. The use of that 'ultimate move', correct?"
Kenny blinked. "How did you-?"
Jesus just stared, and Kenny coughed.
"Right. Stupid question. Can I use it?!"
"Normally you would need to fill up the Ultimate bar and wait for your turn," Jesus began. Kenny blinked and tilted his head.
"Wut?"
"But in this case, I believe we can make an exception," Jesus said. He shook his head sadly. "However, to do it in this way incurs a great price."
Kenny was silent, before he nodded grimly.
"To save my friends, I'll pay it. Is... Is it something like selling my love for Wendy?"
Jesus scoffed.
"Please. That's stupid and it always will be. No, the price is, like much of life, in the consequences of fulfilling the request. First? It will be very painful to force a resurrection like this. Using the divine power of God and Creation on someone bearing the curse of the Eldritch Abominations is always tricky."
"For the sake of my friends, I can handle anything!" Kenny declared. Jesus nodded.
"And second? ... The results will ensure that a flood of terrible anime-esque fanart of you with angel wings will flood the internet, drawn by very lonely girls."
Kenny frowned, and contemplated that.
"... Will I be hot in any of this fanart?"
Jesus held back a sigh through long practice.
"... Yes."
"Good enough for me!" Kenny cried. He threw his arms apart. "Go for it, Jesus!"
Jesus nodded. A large, muscular spirit with a divine halo and angel wings emerged from the Son of God, and towered over the shocked immortal.
"Very well! HOLY GHOST! DO IT!" Jesus shouted as he posed dramatically.
Kenny got his mouth working again.
"Wait, is that a Jojo reference-?!"
"TETELESTAITETELESTAITETELESTAITETELESTAITETELESTAI!" The Holy Ghost roared, hitting Kenny's soul with hundreds of punches! The divine power of God filled Kenny's soul, and a final punch sent him rocketing back to Earth
"HOLY SHIT IT WAAAAAASSSSS...!" Kenny's cry echoed back. Jesus smirked after the immortal.
"Language!"
Sumire hadn't trusted Cartman to drive, so she'd driven his car herself. And she didn't know the way back, and Cartman was no help. She would have used her phone, but every time she tried Cartman tried to grab the wheel. And kicking him in the balls wasn't as easy while driving.
It had to be a manual transmission.
So it was hell just getting to South Park Elementary, and by the time they did, there was already a police cordon around it as lasers and explosions went off in the playground area. Cartman smirked nastily at her.
"Well well! Looks like we're too late! Civil War 3, bitch! Now whatcha gonna do, huh? Huh?"
Sumire looked around for something, anything... And spotted an empty auto carrier truck, with the ramp down. She raised her eyebrows, and smiled.
"How good is the crash rating for this car?" She asked sweetly as she put it into gear. Cartman snorted.
"Five star of course-Wait what are you-?!"
Sumire floored it, and accelerated as fast as she could. Cartman hung on for dear life, his eyes getting wider and wider as he figured out her reckless, desperate plan.
"No NO NO NONONONO-!"
They hit the ramp, and the car shot up. Its front tires hit the back of the truck cab, and they went flying. The police manning the blockade watched in awe as the Mercedes sailed through the air... And slammed into the lawn of South Park Elementary, nose first. It tumbled over its roof, and slammed down on all four wheels, hard. It slid to a stop, slamming against the wall of the building.
Sumire groaned as she pushed her face out of the airbags. She was achy all over... But not dead, or crippled.
"Five stars for sure!" Sumire said cheerfully. Cartman moaned, pulling his own face free of the airbag.
"You... You crazy bitch... Seriously... My carrr..." Cartman moaned. His eyes widened as Sumire got out and ran away. "HEY! WAIT! YOU BITCH! MY CAR!"
Sumire sprinted around the school, and climbed up over the fence to the playground beyond. She saw Call Girl and Human Kite fighting it out with someone in a crater, shooting off nails, wrenches, and energy drills. Yeah, that had to be Stan. She made it to the lip of the crater, and looked down. She couldn't hold back her gasp.
Stan was fighting his own friends, blood pouring from his eyes and nose.
"STAN! STOP IT!" Call Girl shouted, "YOU'RE DYING! IF YOU DON'T STOP YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
He's going to die, Sumire thought faintly, the horror screaming inside her.
"STAN! LISTEN TO HER!" Human Kite shouted, diving to try and grab Toolshed, "STOP THIS BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF!"
A drill blast hit the Kite's side, grazing him badly. He slammed hard into the dirt, tumbling into a low wall around the basketball court. Stan kept firing off every weapon he had, mad with grief and rage.
"That's what I want," Stan gasped, "that's what I deserve!"
Sumire was about to leap in, when a meaty hand grabbed her shoulder. She was stopped and turned around by a very angry looking Cartman... Dressed as a racoon.
"You have any idea how much it's gonna cost to fix my car?!" Cartman demanded.
"That's the least of our problems!" She shouted back. "Stan's gonna die thanks to what you gave him!"
"What? No stupid, it's just gonna make him angry with rage! I only put in like, half a ziplock bag-" Cartman looked down at the screaming Stan. "Oh... Wait, where's Kenny?"
A bit of Mysterion's cloak drifted down, and Cartman caught his. His eyes widened, and he looked at the state of Stan. The blood on his tools, that wasn't his own. He paled.
"Oh shit... If Toolshed killed Mysterion, and then kills Kite, and Call Girl..." Cartman shook his head, "then it'll be a really shitty franchise! Not enough appeal! We'll be just like DC!"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Sumire demanded. "Look, are you going to help your friend or not?!"
"Looks like the Coon has no choice, but to step in and save the day," Cartman said, rough and serious. He stepped forward, his cape waving dramatically. He extended his metal claws, ready to jump in...
When a wrench slammed into his face, breaking his nose. He screamed and covered his nose.
"OH FUBCK! MY NOBE! MAAAAAAM! MY NOOOOBE!" He wailed, falling back and screaming. Sumire held back a sigh.
"Fuck it," she decided. Sumire ran back, getting some space... Before she settled into a sprinter's start position. One she had done constantly as a member of the track team. She then launched herself forward, and ran for the crater's edge. She sprinted past the still crying Coon, and leaped...!
"STAN CATCH ME OR I'M GONNA DIE!" Sumire shrieked. Stan looked up in shock as she fell for him.
"What the hell-?!"
He pulled out his sandblaster and fired it, blowing a cushion of air underneath Sumire. It tore away her shoes and much of her clothing, but it did slow her down enough to land safely... Her boobs smothering Stan's face.
"MMPH!" Stan shouted as he fell back, hard. Sumire landed on him, breathing deeply. She then pulled Stan into a hug, keeping his face in her boobs.
Call Girl and Kite both came up,, bloodied and bruised.
"How the heck are you keeping him calm?" Call Girl demanded.
"Boobs to the face. Works on almost any guy," Sumire said. "Come on, we need to get him to the hospital!"
"How did you not know about that?" Kite asked. Call Girl flushed.
"I've called the paramedics! Let's get him out of here!" Call Girl shouted, a bit angrily.
"No... No, please," Stan begged, "please... Let me die..."
Stan looked up into Sumire's eyes, bloody tears running down his cheeks.
"I killed him... I killed Kenny... I deserve to die," Stan sobbed. Sumire hugged him tightly.
"No... No you don't, Stan," she whispered. "No matter what you've done, this... You don't deserve this. I mean it. Please... Believe me?"
"You don't even know me," Stan groaned.
"I know you well enough," Sumire said softly. "Come on... Please...?"
Stan stared at her.
"... It'll just get worse. Nothing will change," he said.
"Maybe," Sumire replied, "or maybe it can get better. Please... You can't let it end like this!"
Stan pushed his face back into her boobs, as Sumire stroked the back of his head.
"I'm just... So tired," he murmured. "I'm so... So tired... So sorry..."
His heartbeat was slowing. Sumire shook her head.
"COME ON!" Sumire shouted. Call Girl shook her head.
"Kite! Can you get him out of here?"
"I-I can't fly him out of here, he's too heavy!" Kite said back, gritting his teeth. "If only we had a rope or a ladder or-!"
A brilliant golden star emerged from the clouds overhead. It streaked for the ground like a shooting star, growing brighter and brighter every second. It headed right for a pile of rubble in the crater, and Sumire pulled Stan down for some kind of cover. Call Girl and Kite ducked as well, as the object slammed into the ground, releasing a burst of golden light...
That faded into the soft light of the late afternoon. Sumire looked up, as did Call Girl and Human Kite. Standing there, his cape fluttering in the wind, burning angel wings flared out behind him, was...
"Mysterion?!" Call Girl gasped.
"Holy shit," Sumire murmured, as the wings dissipated into flaming feathers, "I need to draw that sometime."
Kenny held back his smile, as Wendy got up and ran over at him. She tackled him in a tight hug, and he returned it gratefully.
"I missed you," he muttered.
"You took your time," she muttered back. "What was that-?"
"Let's just say it's something I can do if I really need to," Kenny said. He looked up at Stan and Sumire, "and it has other benefits..."
Stan looked around, confused. His eyes were normal, his skin tanned, and the blood was gone.
"Holy... Shit, what the hell happened?" He managed. His eyes locked onto Kenny. "Kenny?!"
"Mysterion," Kenny corrected him, "and I just pulled a heal ultimate. You're welcome."
"But-But I killed you!" Stan protested. Mysterion walked over, and knelt down. He rested a hand on Stan's shoulder.
"No," he said, "I dove into some rubble at the last second... Hurt like hell though," he said. Stan slowly nodded, as did Sumire and Kite. Wendy frowned deeply.
"I... I was so scared I'd killed you," Stan admitted. He looked down at his work gloves. "Holy shit, I-I caused so much damage, I lost control-"
"That wasn't your fault," Sumire said firmly, "Cartman dumped meth into that Tegridy Brew crap."
"But the feelings that motivated it were very real," Wendy pointed out, soft but firm. Stan looked up at Mysterion and Call Girl, and shut his eyes tightly.
"I'm so sorry, you guys," he admitted. "I just... I got so used to me and Wendy breaking up, getting back together, breaking up... I thought it was never going to end. I thought... I thought I knew how things were. And every time it looks like something's gonna change, maybe for the better... I mean, hell. We have superpowers and shit! They're real! But when things went like this, it... It brought up every bad feeling I ever had."
He looked up at Mysterion and Call Girl.
"I don't deserve it, but... Can you forgive me? Can we still be friends?" Stan asked.
Mysterion was silent for a moment. He stood up and reached out to Wendy. Call Girl took his hand, and squeezed it. They smiled at each other, and turned to Stan.
Wendy smiled at Stan... Then punched him in the cheek.
"OW!"
Stan held a hand over the quickly developing bruise. Wendy beamed.
"You're forgiven, Stan," she said kindly.
"What she said, pal," Kenny said cheerfully.
"Geez, thanks," Stan muttered. Sumire sighed, and kissed his cheek. Stan blushed brightly.
"Don't be such a baby, Stan," Sumire admonished, "you nearly died!"
"And kicked the crap out of us, too," Kite pointed out. He rolled his right shoulder. "Damn, I need a better costume..."
"Wait what?!"
All eyes turned as the Coon slid down into the crater. He glared hot death at them all.
"Seriously?! You're just-Making up! After Toolshed almost killed you, Mysterion?! And after Mysterion took your girl?! That's it?! This is the shittiest Civil War 3 ever! It just involved you four! GOD! You can't do anything right after you made me leave and start going to the gym! I'm already buffer than all of you anyway! And another thing-!"
Sumire sprinted, and swung her foot right up between Cartman's legs. The Coon's eyes went comically wide, as he fell over clutching his crotch.
"Oh... Shit... How... Had... A cup on," he managed. Sumire kicked the fat raccoon-themed "superhero" over and over again between the legs, until she was out of breath.
"You... Bastard... Deserve this... And more... Damn you...!" She snarled. She limped away, wincing, as she made it back to the four quietly shocked superheroes.
"Sorry, but how the hell do you not murder him every time he talks?" Sumire asked. Stan stared, his cheeks bright red. Kenny and Wendy noticed, looked at one another, and smirked. Kyle snorted.
"Long practice," Kyle grunted. He shook his head. "Plus, he has shown moments when he was actually decent. Just enough for us to not just chop him up, dissolve the pieces in a bathtub, and dump what's left in the lake."
"Maybe we should rethink that," Wendy muttered. Kenny smiled, and squeezed her hand again.
"Nah, we don't want to be that edgy," Kenny said. "Besides: There are worse things than death."
"Uh, Sumire?" Stan asked. "You... Do know you're down to just your underwear, right?"
Sumire looked down... Blushed, and then covered herself up.
"Oh crap oh crap my okaa-san's gonna kill me!"
"Here," Wendy said, taking her cape off and handing it over to Sumire. She gratefully wrapped it around her waist like a skirt. "Though there might be some blood and... Other things on it?"
Sumire looked it over.
"I don't see anything," she reported.
"Neither do I," Kenny sighed. Wendy elbowed him. "Ow! Just kidding!"
"Hmph!"
The four heroes and Sumire stood over the whimpering Cartman.
Stan powered on his exoskeleton. He pulled up some lead pipes, and bent them around Cartman's body. He then tossed the fatass to the bottom of the crater.
"AY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Cartman demanded.
"Giving you a chance to rest," Stan stated, as he stood over him, "before we start your new and improved exercise program. Tomorrow."
"What? You can't be serious!" Cartman shouted.
Kite ascended out of the crater, while Mysterion and Call Girl ascended on a grappling hook. Toolshed extended his special tape measure, and shyly offered his arm to Sumire. She smiled back, and wrapped her arms around him as he pulled them up out of the crater.
"Hey! HEY! WHAT ABOUT MY CAR, ASSHOLES?!" Cartman bellowed.
"Don't worry! We'll tell your insurance company that you crashed it! Hope you got good coverage, Fatass!" Kyle tossed back.
"FUCK YOU GUYS! FUCK YOU GUYS SOOO HARD!" Cartman wailed.
The five got out to the sidewalk... Just as a large blue Nissan van barreled up, blue lights flashing atop it. FREEDOM PALS was emblazoned on the side, with their logo of a colorful eagle. Right behind it was a yellow and red clad teenaged boy, with assistive crutches on his arms. He skidded to a halt, coming down from superspeed.
Out of the van's front seats came a black young man in elaborate plastic armor with a transparent dome helmet, a boy in scruffy mosquito cosplay (complete with wings), and a brown haired, freckled boy with hockey armor and insulin on his utility belt.
Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Wendy just glared at them, while Sumire stared in confusion.
"What took you guys so long?! Especially you, Fastpass! You're the fastest member of the team!" Wendy shouted. "I sent the general alert text twenty minutes ago!"
"S-S-Sorry," Fastpass apologized, "I was w-w-with my girlfriend, and she really liked m-my vibrate func-ehh... My vibrate func-ahh... M-My vibration function-!"
"Oh geez, don't tell us that!" Captain Diabetes, the young man with the freckles groaned.
"Seriously, keep it to yourself!" Mosquito shot, "bzzzz!"
"TMI, dude," Stan groaned. He glared at everyone else. "And what's your guys' excuse?"
Tupperware, the young man glad in plastic, just sighed as the side door to the van slid open automatically. An electronic warning beep began to blare, as an automatic ramp slowly extended out. Upon the ramp was a wheelchair-bound young man with red hair, a large head, wearing a suit with a blanket over his legs.
'Please be patient, Toolshed, the telepathic voice of Doctor Timothy, the Freedom Pal's leader, spoke kindly in all their heads, we will be ready for action in a moment!'
The four exhausted heroes (and still confused civilian) stood and waited. Tupperware tapped his foot impatiently. The automatic ramp... Continued to extend.
'Any minute now..."
Kyle's shoulders drooped. Stan sighed. Kenny shook his head and tugged Wendy's hand.
"We'll be out helping with the recovery efforts," he said, "join us when you're done."
'No really! I'm almost out!' Timothy cried. 'Just a little longer!'
The ramp... Made it halfway, before it stopped. And began to retract. Timmy glared at Tupperware.
'Damnit Tupperware! What's wrong now?'
"Craig, Tweek, did one of you hit the ramp with your foot?" Tupperware shouted.
"Y-Yes! Sorry! Craig, erk, wouldn't keep his hands to-heep-himself!" Wonder Tweek, a blonde and twitchy young man, shouted from the back seat of the van.
"Super Craig is bored and horny," Super Craig, a very laidback young man with a blue hat and a simple "S" emblazoned on his chest, called in a monotone.
'Try to reset it!' Timmy cried.
"I can't reset it! It just has to go through the cycle!" Tupperware protested.
'Why did you get such a cheap automatic ramp?!' Timmy demanded.
"I bought this with my own allowance! I'm not made of money!" Tupperware shouted back.
Wendy groaned.
"This is why I said we needed more team practice meetings," she muttered, as she followed Kenny to help the rescue workers.
"Well, maybe they'll take it more seriously now," Kenny said. Wendy lowered her voice further as the rest of the Freedom Pals out of the van followed to help out the recovery.
"I still can't believe they think you didn't die," she murmured, "I mean-I saw it! I saw you get torn apart! I have pieces of your brain in my cape! Well, I mean, I did! Stan killed you, and he doesn't know it! How?!"
"Trust me, you get used to," Kenny chuckled. He gave his girlfriend a kiss on the side of her head, "but it's a lot better together than alone."
"I suppose," Wendy murmured, cuddling up to him as they got to the work of heroes: Helping others.
"Hey Stan? Who's the half naked girl with you?"
"I'm Sumire, and does anyone have a coat I can borrow?"
Later that night, in the crater of the playground...
"... Hello? Guys?"
Silence.
"... Anyone?"
More silence.
"... Seriously. So weak."
And that concludes this first arc. What did you think?