Immortal Coil
A South Park Fanfiction by Andew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non profit fan based work of prose. South Park, et al are the property of Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Viacom. Please support the official release.
Vancouver, Canada was a shadow of its former glory. The brutal Prince was cracking down on a rebellion against his tyranny. A rebellion of Canadians who sought to return to constitutional rule.
In typical Canadian fashion, impolite words and farts had escalated... To dire wolves, dire bears, and now?
Dire robot drones.
"Fall back! Fall back!" A Canadian Rebel commander shouted to his troops. They fled down the street from the imposing bipedal robot, its twin machine cannons ripping apart the streets. Two rebels fell, before the rest managed to get behind an improvised fortification of sandbags. They opened up with a machine gun on the drone, which proved ineffective.
"Damn! Damn! Where does the prince keep getting these mechanical monstrosities, ey?!" The commander cursed angrily.
The robot emitted strange music.
"It's a small world - after all - it's a small world - after all~!"
Before it resumed firing its guns.
"Guess that answers that, ey?" One of the Canadian rebels snarked, before a bullet took his head off. "GAK!"
"Damn that Mickey Mouse, selling off his Imagineering weapons to the Prince!" The commander cursed again, throwing a few grenades against the monstrosity. The drone nimbly dodged, using hydraulics tested on numerous Spider-Man acrobatic robots, and avoided the shrapnel. "DAMN! WHERE IS OUR AIR SUPPORT?!"
"Sir, there's an unidentified aircraft entering our airspace, guy!" A Canadian on a laptop spoke up. "It isn't showing up on our radar!"
"What? Any idea what it is?" The commander asked. Something glinted above them in the sun, and they turned to look up.
What appeared to be a gigantic silver diamond-shaped aircraft, with a silver, dragon-scale like tail, swooped above them.
"By Celine Dion's sagging tits, what the devil is that?!"
Kyle Broflovski kept his breathing nice and even as he looked over the information projected onto the inside of his faceplate.
"I'm over the target area, beginning mission," he informed his support.
"Confirmed, Kite," Heidi replied back.
"Disengaging flight mode," Kyle stated, as he used his eyes to select the option. The corners of the diamond-shaped aircraft folded back, assembling into two red and yellow diamond-shaped wings behind the teenager. It revealed a light, armored body suit, made of light blue, numerous interlocking sections. On his chest was a kite symbol. The silver tail migrated to his arm, forming a metallic shield that the tail sections descended from.
A green orb glowed on his chest, as the powered suit came online. Kyle stretched his limbs, his wings spreading.
"Human Kite, ready for combat!" Kyle announced, before he broke into a drive.
The tail sections glowed white hot, as he swung it towards the first Canadian robot like a flail. It went right through the metallic monstrosity like a hot knife right through butter, and it fell into two, superheated pieces as Kyle flew on.
"Geez, this seems like overkill for common criminals," Kyle pointed out. Heidi's face appeared in a window, wearing a smile.
"Yes, but perfect for use against killer robots," Heidi replied, "besides, you can adjust the energy level as needed!"
"Still amazed I'm powering all this myself," Kyle admitted, as he dove for another Royal Canadian robot. He bisected it through the waist, and flashed past to strike another, and another, all falling instantly!
"You've always had enough power from solar energy conversion," Heidi said, "the suit is just acting as a capacitor to boost your power and use it more efficiently. And the predictive VR system will let you move even faster!"
Kyle looked through his sensors. He could see so much now... He could see the paths through the buildings to other Royal Canadian units. Tanks, men with guns, more drones...
He hit his boosters and accelerated, sweeping over these enemies at high speed. One slash, another slash, yet another slash-He felled his foes with the same ease as he would in World of Warcraft.
Holy shit... He was grinning. His blood was on fire.
He saw missile sensors trying to lock onto him, and saw them fire. He evaded gracefully, twisting and turning in the air before locking onto their positions with his eye lasers.
"Pew pew," he murmured in nostalgia, as his laser beams struck home and blasted the Royal Canadian officers off their feet. Another missile flew at his back, and he dodged that one too. Yet another, another-RPGs now flew at him. He locked on with his eye lasers, shooting them down!
One got through... It exploded right in his face, a piece of shrapnel penetrating his helmet. He was disoriented, dizzy...
Another RPG hit him in the back, blasting him forward. A final missile, taking advantage of his distraction, rammed into his gut and exploded, blowing him into pieces across Vancouver's ruined skyline-!
"AHHH! AAAAH!"
"Kyle? Kyle, what is it?" Heidi called over the radio. Kyle was breathing hard, staring at several RPG gunners all downed by his laser beams. They were atop an office building, foolishly exposed. More troops were firing on him from the ground... Rebels, by the looks of their gear.
"Why... Why are they shooting at me?" Kyle murmured, evading the tracer fire, "are they-are they my enemy? No! They're firing because they're scared... But they're trying to kill me...! I'm trying to help them, damnit!"
The Royal Canadian forces also opened up on Kyle, a Leopard 24A2 tank firing its main gun right at him!
The depleted uranium shell ripped right through Kyle's chest, tearing him in two. He fell in pieces to the ground as the Canadian forces cheered-
"AAAH! N-NO!" Kyle shouted, firing his eye lasers at the tank as the shell flew by him. He charged, swinging his shield flail to cut the barrel in half! The crew abandoned it as he slashed it apart viciously. Still other troops opened fire on him, from both lines!
"Kyle? Kyle, your heartrate is dangerously high! What's wrong?" Heidi called.
He could see the conflict escalating, dragging the United States into it... He could see his family being killed in the fighting... Losing his friends... Losing Heidi...
"My enemy... They're all my enemies," Kyle growled, his eyes glowing green from the HUD display. He reached for his belt and unfurled a huge, blazing green energy blade, contained within a kite-shaped energy field.
"I'll end it... I'll kill them all!" Kyle snarled, as he slashed through a huge swath of screaming Royal Canadian troops. He unleashed his eye lasers on the rebels, cutting them down by the scores! They fled, but Human Kite was relentless. He slashed a crashed oil tanker in half, causing it to explode as he flew over the battlefield. Flames consumed Royal and Rebel Canadians alike, as Kyle mercilessly cut them all down!
KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL-!
"End simulation!"
The ruined streets of Vancouver vanished, replaced with the familiar surroundings of Heidi Turner's lab in her basement. Heidi herself stood in front of Kyle, reaching up to take his helmet off. She pulled it off, and set it aside before putting them on his sweaty cheeks. Concern and worry were on her face as he tried to slow his breathing.
"Kyle? Kyle, are you all right?" Heidi asked softly.
Kyle panted hard... And then threw up all over the front of Heidi's lab coat. The light brown haired girl grimaced, as Kyle looked aside in shame.
"I... I'm sorry-"
"No, no, that's okay," Heidi sighed, "but maybe we shouldn't have such a large lunch before simulator training?"
Kyle, despite his exhausted and frightened state, still managed a little smile back at his girlfriend. One she returned.
"Come on. Let's go clean up, and then we'll talk about what happened-"
"I went insane and killed everyone," Kyle bluntly stated, "again."
Heidi blinked, and nodded.
"Okay, well, that makes talking about it a lot simpler..."
Kyle groaned and rubbed his temples as he sat at the table in Heidi's kitchen. Heidi sat with him, rubbing his back gently, as he sipped a cup of coffee.
"It's just so... Weird," Kyle said. "One minute, I'm able to predict the movements of targets and analyze their next moves... And then I'm obsessing over the future repercussions of some kind of action."
Kyle drank down the mug, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Like, I know I can be obsessive about certain things but... Every time? Why does it keep happening?"
"I don't know," Heidi said gently, "I really don't know. I've been trying to figure it out, but the predictive algorithms just keep running into the problems of translating computer math to human math."
"Yeah, I can't exactly resolve round off errors in my head," Kyle admitted.
Heidi frowned, and looked aside.
"You know... A lot of this is due to psychology," she said. "Maybe you-"
"Maybe I'm not strong enough mentally to handle it?" Kyle asked defensively. Heidi shook her head, and rubbed his back harder.
"I didn't say that," she said, "and it's not just a matter of mental strength. Though... I do think you're pushing yourself too hard."
"I'm not pushing myself too hard," Kyle said, a bit angrily. Heidi stared back at him, and Kyle just sighed. He looked back down at his tea mug.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I just... Urgh! Stan and Kenny almost died because of that fat fuck Cartman! And I couldn't do anything!"
"I know, Kyle, I know," Heidi said soothingly, "but you are pushing yourself to be better. I mean, you've been coming in here every day to practice in the new suit! I think you're more than a match for any possible threats!"
Kyle shook his head, staring down into his empty mug.
"I thought that too, then Stan brought me down with a nail gun," he muttered. He scowled. "I have these powers for a reason, and I need to keep pushing them." He looked into Heidi's eyes. "I can link with your Digital Information Center Serial Unix Cluster thanks to my powers. If I can learn how to control it, I can predict our enemies' moves. I can figure out how to stop them. I can save people!"
"I know, I know," Heidi said gently, squeezing her boyfriend's muscular shoulder, "I know you want to save people. I want to save people too with my DICSUC. But if you get too much of your DICSUC, you'll fry your brains!"
"I can take it," Kyle insisted, "I can handle DICSUCing all day if I have to!"
Heidi shook her head. "Until you stop going crazy in simulations and killing everyone, no more DICSUC for you, mister."
"What?!" Kyle growled. Heidi pulled back, as Kyle glared.
"You can't keep the DICSUC from me! I need it! I NEED my DICSUC!" He protested.
"You don't need it to be a great hero!" Heidi shot back, standing her ground. "You can't let it control you! And the way you're acting proves it's screwing with your mind!"
"Just because I want my DICSUC?" Kyle asked angrily.
"Yes!" Heidi retorted, glaring.
"I thought you loved me! You're pulling this, now? No DICSUC at all?!" Kyle shouted.
"You can't pull that manipulative bullshit with me, Kyle Broflovski!" Heidi shouted back, "you're no ERIC CARTMAN!"
That made Kyle freeze. All the anger suddenly dissipated into guilt, and he looked down at the floor.
"... I'm sorry," Kyle murmured. "I'm... I'm so sorry."
Kyle turned away, head hung low. He headed for the door, as Heidi followed.
"Kyle, I'm sorry," Heidi said, "I... That was too far."
"No, no," Kyle sighed, "maybe you're right. Maybe... Maybe I am a little obsessive. I just... I just want to be a hero so badly."
Heidi squeezed him from behind in a tight hug, resting her head on his shoulder.
"I know, sweetie," she murmured, "but you're already a hero to me. And to our friends. You don't have to push yourself any harder than you are. Please... I don't want my DIC to destroy you."
Kyle turned in her hug, and embraced her back. He kissed her sweetly, and she returned it with equal warmth.
"I know," Kyle murmured back, nuzzling her, "I'm so sorry."
"I am too," Heidi whispered back, her eyes wet, "sometimes I wish I'd never learned enough to DICSUC at all."
"Don't say that," Kyle insisted, looking her in her beautiful eyes, "DICSUC is too important to the world! And when we perfect it, it'll change the world forever!"
Heidi beamed, before resuming their fervent kiss... Just as her parents walked in.
"HEY!" Thomas Turner, Heidi's very buff father, shouted. This made Kyle and Heidi pull apart, both blushing hard, "watch it, you two! No hanky panky!"
"Yes, you know the rules Heidi," Nancy Turner, Heidi's slim and delicate mother, added. Heidi just smiled gently.
"It's all right, Mom and Dad," she said, "Kyle just wants his DICSUC but it's too much for him right now."
Her parents stared. Kyle blinked.
"... You know, I think that acronym might need some work," Kyle admitted. Heidi blinked.
"Really? You think so?"
And now, an omake.
Wendy was looking through her locker after her birthday yesterday, just chatting with Bebe, when Kenny popped up. She was going to smile and hug and kiss him... When she saw the state of his orange parka: Burnt, torn, and bloody.
Wendy: "Oh my God Kenny!" She hugged him, and began checking him for injuries "What happened?! Are you-Are you all right?!"
Kenny: "Yeah... Sorry I missed your birthday. I was trying to get your present, but we ran into some crazed feminists at the University of Philadelphia. Or just gangbangers. Might have been both?"
Wendy: "Wha-Why would you go all that way?"
Kenny: "To get you... This." He reaches into his parka, and pulls out an issue of Playboy, dated May 1995...
Wendy: "... Signed by Professor Camille Paglia?!" She grins "The one modern feminist scholar, philosopher, and icon who isn't just a fat, bitter lesbian?!"
Kenny: "Yup! She happily autographed it when I said you weren't some Twitter warrior: That you actually work to help people and make the world a better place." A beat "Plus we saved her from some crazed Fem-Nazis so she did kind of owe us."
Wendy: "But why the Playboy magazine?"
Kenny: "It has an interview with Camille in there. Apparently she enjoyed giving it." A beat "Plus the lingerie on Miss May is pretty nice."
Wendy: flips to that page "Oh... Oh... Wow, it is nice."
Kenny: "Nice enough to... Wear some time?"
Wendy: blush harder "K-Kenny!"
Kenny: "Just saying! Just saying. Anyway, I better get to class or something. See you tonight!" He heads off
Bebe: "... Wendy. Are you asexual?! That boy went through Philadelphia to get you a present! Why haven't you boned him yet?!"
Wendy: "W-We're just taking it slow! He wants it to be about more than the physical! So do I! I love him for who he is, not just his hot bod!"
Bebe: "Oho? How do you know he has a hot bod?"
Wendy: "..."
A few nights ago, at Mysterion's Secret Base...
Wendy: "Huh! This abandoned gas station's not too bad, actually!"
Kenny: "Yeah, I fixed it up with some of the drug money Cartman made during that Mitch Conner scheme. Plus he owed me since he did get me killed a bunch of times. Geez, tonight sucked."
He stripped off his costume to nothing, and walked into the shower stall. He started it up and sighed happily.
Kenny: "Oh thank God, it's hot. The thermal heater did the trick. Wendy, I'll save some for you... Wendy?"
Wendy is staring and drooling with a red face.
Wendy: "H-Huh?"
The present
Wendy: "... Reasons..."