I don't own this series. If I did, the ending would be different. Here we go.

XXXXX

"You look me in the eye and you tell me you can't do it."

Malcolm wanted nothing more than to tear out those eyes as his own made content with them - along with the eyes and maybe throats of the rest of his so-called "family". A lucrative job, flushed down the toilet because the bitch from whose loins he had sprung had convinced herself that he could be President, and that the best way to ensure he did was by making him constantly miserable. And everyone else in this fucking family had been in on it!

That revelation had caused something to snap. Something that had been growing inside him, growing like a tumor. No, maybe like a balloon being filled with sewage until it burst and covered everything in muck - just like he and everyone else was right now. With that snap having come and gone, he had come to a grim understanding:

He didn't care about these troglodytes, least of all the bitch and her spineless lackey. Hatred coursed through him, and it was wonderful. Yes, he would allow it to consume him, for now he had finally come to understand that it was his one and only friend.

Yes, hate. Malice. Come! Come and wash over this lonely friend like a cleansing rain!

Fire blazed in his eyes as he met hers, a malicious smile beginning to spread across his face as he responded to her demand.

"Okay. I can't do it."

The bitch blinked, having clearly not expected such a response. The surprise was quickly replaced by indignant rage, her face scrunching up like it usually did when she didn't get her way. And she called him childish?

"What do you mean, 'you can't?!" she snarled.

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Are you deaf as well as brainless?" Ignoring her growl, he continued. "I cannot become President of the United States - and it'd be entirely your fault I would fail even if I tried, you leech."

Before she could respond, he was within her personal space, his nose mere inches away from hers.

"It takes more than being smart to be a successful politician, Lois, and you need to go to LAW SCHOOL to get a law degree." He backed away and then threw his hands up in annoyance. "And with you breathing down my neck every step of the way - and making no attempt to hide it - neither the elephants nor the donkeys would back me, because they sure as shit don't want to place a momma's boy in the Oval Office."

The bitch had apparently regained herself somewhat. "Then..." she began, then shook her head before continuing, "Then start one of your own!"

He laughed uproariously. "Are you really that dumb?! Minor parties never win the election, and no one would join because, again, your creepy obsession with always bothering me would scare off any potential supporters - they will instantly figure out that I'm just your fucking mouthpiece. And you think you're gonna be able to bully them into supporting me? They'd chop you to pieces and feed you to the dogs, Lois."

It was kind of amazing that the bitch hadn't flipped her lid. Her eldest offspring had blatantly defied her and she had fought back, but right now, she just seemed too stunned to respond.

"And even if I did want to become President and somehow managed to get elected, do you think for even one moment I would winch you out of the hole you and that spineless shithead next to you dug for yourselves? No: I would take REVENGE on you for screwing me like this!"

He took a deep breath, calmed down, and pointed at her. "But I guess I should thank you for teaching me one thing, even if it wasn't what you wanted me to learn."

"And what would that be?" she asked through gritted teeth.

"That sometimes, family means nothing. That some people just aren't worth caring about. Thank you, Lois, for screwing me over to feed your crazy delusions." He waved his arms as he looked at the co-conspirators. "And FUCK YOU ALL for being in on it!"

He looked back at the bitch. "Now, I can say, with a crystal-clear conscience*, that I. Owe. You. NOTHING. And I will give you NOTHING."

He turned his back on them, uncaring about what they said or did next. If they tried to attack him, he would fight. If he lost, he would keep going until he died or found another way to get away from these lunatics.

"You are all DEAD to me. Goodbye, and good riddance!"

With that, Malcolm Wilker... no, he was no longer a Wilkerson, so he'd have to come up with a new surname.

Anyway, *ahem*, with that, Malcolm walked away from the Wilkersons, the sound of epic boss music pumping in his ears. Seems they were too stunned to respond. He'd seriously considered tearing into each of them one by one, but that would have taken too much time and energy. His first priority right now was to find a place to wash off the muck he was currently covered in, then find a place to stay and fill his belly until he could find a good job.

Eh, he was sure he could do it. The bitch had been right about one thing: he was smart enough to survive on his own.** And now he wouldn't have to waste his talents indulging these morons anymore. For the first time, he felt... free.

He didn't know what the future held anymore than the bitch did (though he had less delusional expectations), but at least he was away from her.

END

You can feel the hate in this, can'tcha? I was very upset about the way the show ended. To paraphrase Mr. Enter, Lois is going to die alone and the family will implode; and her plans for Malcolm are "fucking delusional". Her plans would have failed for the following reasons:

1) Malcolm's performance tends to nosedive whenever Lois sticks her nose into his business, so the only way he'll ever be successful is if she leaves him alone; but she's too narcissistic and self-righteous to realize, much less admit, this.

2) Everything started from Lois. It didn't start when Francis tried to burn a teddy bear-prior to that, she kept feeding him chocolate. It started when she came home after recovering from giving birth to Francis, expecting him to be screaming for her, and was devastated to find he was just fine. That's right: she was angry that her son was happy because she wasn't the cause of said happiness. HOW DARE SHE?

3) Not long after the show ended, it suddenly became more practical for parents to let their kids get jobs after graduating from high school instead of going off to college; suddenly not having a bachelor's degree became more profitable. This, coupled with Lois keeping him down, can only spell trouble for Malcolm in the future.

4) The reasons mentioned in-story. Lois simply cannot bully people she doesn't have some kind of official power over, and only times she could was because she had help - usually from Malcolm. The traffic cop and that principal, in particular, effortlessly sized her up and cut her to shreds. If a cop and a school principal can do that, a seasoned politician would rip her a new one without breaking a sweat.

In the end, Lois was utter scum, making her most gifted child utterly miserable for the sake of a stupid plan that was never going to work, just so she can be winched out of the hole she and Hal dug their family into. And the worst part is that we all know she's going to blame Malcolm when her plan inevitably crashes and burns, even though it'll no doubt be her fault. Hopefully, at that point, Malcolm will snap, disown her, and clean up his life on his own. I know he's no saint, but her plans would have made everything worse.

So, I decided to have him grow a pair and tell her why she's an idiot, before leaving her and the rest of the pack out to dry in the freezing cold, covered in muck. This was mostly written to vent some anger, and to pass the time. Mock or applaud it at your leisure, but if you hated the ending of MotM, I hope this gave you some catharsis; if you thought this was hilariously bad, I'm glad I could entertain you.

* Try saying that three times fast.

** From that Season 1 episode in which Reese's teacher is revealed to be out to get him.