"Think of you"
Chapter 2: Reconciled hearts.
Lea opened the room 's door and smiled at the view because it was a very comfy and cozy place. She placed her bag on the bed and rushed to open the curtains.
The ocean was just in front of her, welcoming with its beauty.
Capitola Beach was a nice beach, smaller than the popular Santa Cruz and hence more of a family place. Surrounded by multi-colored buildings and palm trees, it was a great destination for any traveler. Lea met this beach before when she was arriving in California for the first time and she had always desired to go back because it is a great place to get rest.
And that 's exactly what she needed now. To get rest and above all things to be alone.
-This is one of the best choices I have made in a long time- she said out loud, losing herself into the blue horizon. The sun was still shining, but a cold wind had scared the people on the beach away, so Lea thought that it was a very good time to walk and feel the sand under her feet without any interruptions.
While taking a walk along the almost empty beach she thought much clearly about what had happened in the last 24 hours. She felt that her decisions were right but at the same she knew that what she did was pretty drastic. Surprisingly enough, she was still able to do "Crazy things" (like her mother used to call them) and that brought her back to that forgotten old version of her.
For years now, stability and commitment had been the most important part of her life (especially her relationship with Shaun) but she felt that it was needed to maintain a way of thinking in which she wasn't scared of changing, especially those changes that involved recovering her mental health. She was feeling extremely guilty and to deal with it, felt like a horrible burden. She thought that to be away for a couple of days would be good for her.
She dug into the pocket of her jacket and took out a very wrinkled piece of paper. If she hadn't seen this, she thought, she would be sitting at her desk at the hospital, not knowing what to do and feeling hopeless seeing her relationship with Shaun breaking apart.
She unwrinkled it the best that she could. It was the application they had to fill to save the date with the church for their wedding. Shaun, in the middle of one of his worst meltdowns had wrinkled and thrown it to the floor, screaming that he couldn't marry her.
Lea closed her eyes and as a soft cold breeze reached her face, she felt that a bitter sadness was just staying on her chest permanently. She remembered Shaun suffering, Glassman hugging him and she, in shock, just managing to grab the paper from the pharmacy 's floor.
But everything changed last night while she was tidying her clothes at Jordan's.
To see that paper again brought her back to everything they went through for more than three weeks, and she felt that it was enough of silence, of begging and of indifference. And just like that, Lea felt that rage was replacing sadness very quickly. She knew that she made a mistake and it was worse because she took too much time to confess…. But she believed that everything could be solved by talking and not simply canceling the wedding. She understood that Shaun did what he did in a moment of crisis but weeks had passed after that and he was calmer and despite that he didn't want to hear a word from her, even though she had tried many times.
They loved each other… and in her mind that was more than enough to at least trying to understand what was happening or trying to overcome this terrible situation.
She wrinkled the paper again and opened her computer, determined to write her resignation letter. She didn't, couldn't nor wanted to be in a place that brought her bad memories anymore. Besides, Shaun told her that she should get fired for what she did.
Well… he was going to get that, only that she will leave first.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of salty fresh air, trying to put the mess inside her head together.
A small part of her thought that maybe it was better to end things for good, but that terrible idea made her stomach upside down.
However, the other part, much stronger than the first, was still loving him and just didn't want to give up on him.
She kept asking herself questions like: Shaun still loves me? Is it worth it to have a relationship and a marriage that won't survive to moments of crisis in the future?.
And she couldn't answer them but she was hoping to do so even if the replies bring her more pain and would kill that small light of hope that was still lingering in her heart.
Her phone indicated that she received two texts. One from Jordan and another from Dr. Audrey Lim.
-I hope you arrived safely, please let me know if you need anything- Jordan was worried but also very sad, because Lea was not going to be working at the hospital anymore.
-I'm fine, don't worry… and please don't tell anyone where I am, especially Shaun… although I don't think he cares- Lea answered.
"Ok" along with a mad emoji was all that she got for an answer from Jordan
Lim's message instead was more of infinite gratitude.
-Thank you Lea… I'm very sorry to hear you are leaving the hospital, but all the data you provided will help me to bring justice back to the San Bonaventure. If you need anything, do not hesitate to call me, take care-
Doctor Aaron Glassman sighed tiredly and sat at his comfy desk. He thought that he was dealing with a lot of issues professionally and personally and he didn't have the proper age to cope with everything anymore. However, he couldn't deny that to be this busy made him feel valuable and useful so deep down he appreciated his position.
And now, he knew that he had to stay in that place because at any time now Shaun was going to find out about Lea's resignation, and most likely, it won't be something easy for the young surgeon to take. Glassman knew that Shaun was overwhelmed already so this news would probably be a trigger for him.
Five minutes later and what he was expecting happened.
Shaun stormed into Glassman's office. Breathing heavily and with his hands together. He sat on a chair and looked at him with teary eyes.
-Lea has gone, Salen just let me know that she resigned this morning- he said quickly while mussing his hair just like he used to do when he is nervous.
-I know… Lim just told me- Aaron replied calmly- it 's her decision Shaun… and since you are on a break, it makes sense that she didn't tell you anything.
-I don't know where she is- Shaun said interrupting him- and I don't want to call her because if she doesn't reply and she probably won't, that would make me feel more anxious and…
-I know that too, breathe and let 's see what we can do- Glassman said standing up.
-I wanted to talk to her this morning… I want to make things right, because I can't stop thinking about her and I don't want to lose her. I love her and I need to be with her now- Shaun stood up too and started walking around the office. Glassman feared that at any minute now he would have a meltdown.
-Oh… this is new… and it 's good actually. At least you know what you want to do now- Glassman added, trying to console him.
-But it's worthless… she's gone…- Shaun was about to cry.
-Did you ask Jordan?- Aaron asked
-Yes, but she says she doesn't know anything… I think she doesn't like me now- Shaun said sitting again.
-Hmm… I see… Let me call Lea… maybe she will answer me… but first calm down- Dr. Glassman called a couple of times but she didn't answer.
-What if something bad happened to her?-Shaun asked, panicking.
-Stop thinking about it… and let's see how we can communicate with her- Glassman whispered trying to calm him down.
-This is all my fault- Shaun said moving back and forward on his chair- I took too long to see that this situation was painful for both of us. Yesterday I saw her and she was pale and looked weak… I have been stubborn and I will lose her. I pushed her away from me…
Glassman took a seat next to Shaun. Looked at him while hearing his ranting, he knew that it was good for him to speak what he felt and took this as an important achievement in Shaun's life dynamic.
-It's great that you can refer to certain ways you have- Glassman's paused voice filled the silence made after Shaun was done talking- in a relationship you are both responsible for all the good and bad things that happen. Lea made a mistake but you made one too. It sounds simple, but for you it involves an extra effort because you need to recognize your feelings and control your emotions.
-And how can I do that?- the young surgeon asked, understanding Glassman's words very well.
-Do you remember when you first arrived in San Jose and we talked about the possibility of having a therapist?- Glassman asked, afraid of his reaction, but sensing that this was the right time to give that idea a second chance.
-I remember it very well- Shaun said looking at him- I also remember that I didn't want to, and in a moment of discomfort I hurt you and then I left with Lea on a road trip.
-A therapist helps a lot and can give you strategies on how to deal with emotions and so the rest of people can understand your messages better- Glassman said omitting the rest of the extra information Shaun provided- obviously is your decision, but neurotypical or not, many people go to therapy at least once in their lifetime and the help you can get is remarkable.
-But I need help now… and I don't think a therapist can help so fast- Shaun said, standing up again and nervously denying with his head.
Glassman patiently smiled and reached him.
-Shaun… calm down. When you find Lea, she will listen to you. She is going to appreciate everything you have to say and you must act in the same way and listen to her attentively. Lea loves you and she has proven that so many times already.
Glassman could see Lea 's concern when she went to find him in Montana. She truly had proven her love for Shaun and how much he meant for her.
Aaron never expected to change his mind about Lea so much, because at first he thought she was a bad influence but now he truly appreciated her intelligence and commitment towards his surrogate child.
-I think you are right- Shaun replied totally convinced- I don't want to risk our relationship again.
-Perfect- Glassman answered, very proud of what they had accomplished. To convince him of getting professional aid had been a very tough task and this time he succeeded.
-Help me find her… please- Shaun begged with teary eyes.
-I know where Lea is, but I won't tell anyone because she asked me not to, especially Shaun- Jordan explained while washing her hands after doing a surgery in the OR. She was accompanied by Dr. Lim and Asher.
-If Lea wants to be alone, we have to support her- Lim said- I just hope she can find some peace.
-That 's the idea, and she doesn't want a half of a boyfriend either- Jordan added sharply. Asher just puffed and rolled his eyes.
-Is there a problem Dr. Wolke?- Jordan asked, opening her eyes wide.
-Nothing Dr. Allen- he replied- but I don't think it is convenient to be in the middle of a couple' s argument.
Jordan felt indignation.
-Lea is my friend and I'm going to be true to the promise I made. I have no intention to speak with Shaun so I'm not getting in the middle of anything like you say-
Asher knew that Jordan 's tone was serious so to avoid further disagreements, he decided to keep his mouth shut.
They were about to leave when they met face to face with Dr. Glassman.
-Dr. Allen, Can I have a word with you please?- He asked kindly once he greeted all three surgeons. Jordan was surprised and thought quickly about what was the reason behind this sudden conversation.
-Yes, Dr. Glassman- Jordan replied once they were alone.
-I will go straight to the point: Do you know where Lea is?- he asked and looked at her while Jordan seemed in shock.
-Well… I…- She started to answer doubtfully. It was clear for Aaron Glassman that she knew where Lea was.
-Most likely she doesn't want us to know where she is but I have Shaun walking around my office extremely nervous because he doesn't know her whereabouts- he explained- today he tried to fix things with her and he didn't find her, so you can imagine how he is.
-Anxious and nervous I guess…- Jordan answered- he really wants to fix things with Lea? That 's… very good.
-Yes, that's exactly what I told him, that's why we need to know where she is- Glassman confirmed on the edge of losing his patience.
Jordan couldn't avoid remembering the night Lea arrived at her apartment with her heart completely broken. As soon as she entered she started crying in Jordan's arms while mumbling that Shaun probably didn't love her anymore.
-Ok… if Shaun wants to make things right… I guess Lea will forgive me for sharing her location- Jordan said with a smile.
-Thank you so much- Glassman thanked sincerely, thinking that perhaps this was the beginning of the end for this agony.
-Capitola Beach is located 33.989 miles away, which means 41 minutes by car. If I take the 68 line bus it would take around two or three hours to get there and that's a long time- Shaun said while keeping his white coat inside his locker. He felt a new regained energy and couldn't stop smiling.
-You are going by car then…-Dr. Alex Park replied with a soft smile, he was truly content seeing Shaun's confidence to find Lea, it was about time. He tried many times to talk to him about it but all he found was a big wall as reply.
-That 's correct- Shaun answered, his eyes sparkling slightly- Dr. Glassman is going to take me there. I know how to drive but I'm too nervous now and I don't have a car- he added closing the locker's door.
He grabbed his backpack willing to leave when he heard an incoming text that made him erase his smile completely.
-Is there something wrong?- Park asked, alarmed. His shift was over so he was getting ready to leave home, to be with Morgan.
-Dr. Glassman can't come with me… he is in the middle of an emergency meeting with Dr. Lim- Shaun said defeated- he was able to fix my schedule so I could leave work early today but I will still arrive late because the bus will take too long, it'll be too late…
Alex Park looked at him and felt compassion.
-Easy Shaun, I'll take you. I know the area very well - He said, carrying his bag over his shoulder- I will let Morgan know… she is waiting for me but I don't think she would mind. Deep down we were all waiting for you to come to your senses , Murphy- Alex added while texting.
Shaun didn't understand his partner's words yet he didn't mind to figure that out now. All that he could think of was that he was going to see Lea again that night.
-Thank you- he said joyfully- But first, I need us to step by my apartment, I need to take something with me to this trip.
Lea sat on the beach enjoying the beautiful sunset. The cold breeze was not an issue and she even felt the desire to swim… but she was alone and that wasn't fun.
She decided to eat something light and then go to sleep early. She had spent much of that day thinking and she couldn't make a definite decision yet, so it was better to go to rest and try to clear her mind the next day.
She thought about focusing on finding a new job too, but she wasn't worried about it at all.
She picked a restaurant close to the hotel where she was staying. While eating she saw all the people surrounding her: families, in love couples, a group of elderly and right in the middle of her observation she noticed that the waiter was totally hitting on her. This didn't make her feel uncomfortable at all; on the contrary, she thought it was very funny and she remembered a conversation with Jordan about a week ago.
-Shaun has no idea of what he is losing by letting you go just like this- Jordan said while having lunch together- I have found out that at least five guys are interested on you here at the hospital Lea… you are gorgeous and smart, and as soon as they know you won't be getting married they will try to win you over, I'm sure- the young surgeon added.
Lea felt a sudden sadness and her face went pale, she couldn't even eat anymore.
-Oh I'm so sorry- Jordan claimed- I wanted to cheer you up and I have ruined it.
-Don't worry Jordan… I'm flattered to know I'm attractive, but it's too soon- Lea explained drinking some of her strawberry juice- anyway, I guess the whole hospital knows by now that we won't get married… Now I have to cancel everything, including my wedding dress fitting. I had it scheduled for next week.
When Lea stopped remembering she noticed that around those days she would have been having her wardrobe test.
And she felt angry and frustrated again, more than the night before.
She paid her dinner and left the place totally avoiding the attempts of the waiter to gain her attention. Since it was still early and those memories won't leave her alone she decided to walk once again alongside the beach trying to shut those memories away.
Lea, however, never imagined the surprise she would have ahead.
The road to Capitola Beach was traffic free. Alex Park was driving quietly but expecting that this rushed trip would mean the end of this painful chapter for the young couple.
He really appreciated Shaun and Lea and it was such a shame to see them apart.
-I hate the beach- Shaun said suddenly- I hate sand in my feet.
-But the sound of the ocean cracking on the shore is one of the most relaxing things ever- Park said smiling.
-Hmmm- Shaun replied, not convinced at all by what his colleague had just said- I don't understand why Lea chose this place.
-That 's because she was traveling alone- Park replied- Shaun… you have to be prepared for any outcome. Lea is hurt, and sometimes sadness can be translated into rage, very easily.
-I know… once she was so mad that yelled at me outside of the hospital- Shaun answered recalling that incident vividly.
-What if Lea gets mad and you can't have a proper chat with her?-Park asked, interested in his reply.
Shaun meditated for a while on that possibility
-She tried hard to talk to me and I refused many times. I made a mistake and I need to repair it… and if Lea refuses at first, I will wait and insist just like she did.
Alex Park dared to see him with the side of his eyes in shock.
-Wow Shaun… that really shows you are growing up- he said proudly.
-I will insist and I won't get tired, not until I can talk to her- he raised his shoulders and looked at the highway, which was covered by the darkness of the night.
-And you are willing to put up with a place you hate- Park smiled- I'm really glad that you want to fix things with Lea. You have lived so many good and bad things together. You love each other and seriously, it's ridiculous that you are separated now.
-I don't want to lose her - Shaun confessed looking straight, his eyes fixed on the white line of the highway.
-You won't lose her- His colleague assured him- but you have to learn big lessons out of this. First, you need to understand that you don't have to idealize your partner and relationships. Nobody is perfect, you will continue making mistakes and many of those will happen just because you want to protect each other.
-That 's contradictory but I can understand it- Shaun added recalling Dr. Glassman's words the day before.
-Shaun, we are doctors. We deal with life and death daily. Don't waste more time and take the opportunity of spending the rest of your life with the woman you love- Park sentenced, when seeing that they had arrived to their destiny.
Once the vehicle entered into a wide seafront they could hear the sound of the ocean. It was dark but this place was very illuminated. They easily found a parking spot near the hotel where Lea was staying.
-I don't think it is necessary to enter here to find Lea- Alex Park said looking outside of the car window.
Shaun followed his colleague 's sight and his heart almost jumped out of his chest.
Lea was walking slowly along the beach, her wild hair moving along with the wind. A soft breeze was waving her curls while keeping her hands inside of her jacket. Shaun got out of the car grabbing his backpack with both hands and looked attentively to her direction, she was walking towards him but without noticing him.
-Shaun I'm leaving now, time to go- Park said quickly. A part of him knew that he shouldn't be there for two reasons: or they would reconcile so he would be third wheel or they would fight and he would have to take a very affected Shaun back home. In summary, it was better to leave them alone, it was the only way so they could work things out.
-Ok- Shaun replied not looking at him and closing the car 's door. His eyes were fixed on Lea and he felt the urge to go and hug her, but he knew that probably that won't be a good idea.
Park left, Shaun just stood still in the seafront, and he felt the salty fresh air reaching to his face and nostrils and confirmed once again how much he hated the sea.
But to be there was worth it. He would do anything for Lea.
Lea loved too much to walk alone at the beach, but her mind and heart were still in San José with Shaun and she couldn't avoid thinking about what he was doing now.
-Probably he is leaving the hospital to go home, or at some shift in the ER… - she recalled, that even if they were both tired from an exhausting day they would still found a way during the night to embrace or to love each other proving all the mutual love they shared for one another.
She noticed that she was about to arrive at the hotel so she left the beach and entered the seafront, willing to rest for the first night at that place.
Suddenly, a familiar figure called her attention and the closer she got…
-No way…- she mumbled out loud when she faced Shaun. At first, she thought he was an illusion; a product of her longing, but no; that was not the case at all.
Shaun started walking towards her fearing the worst. He was afraid of her rejection and this was menacing with taking over him completely so he just dedicated to analyze Lea and every little gesture she might make: he noticed her rosy cheeks, and concluded that even though she looked messy she was more beautiful than ever.
Lea just looked at Shaun with very mixed feelings… She wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him until no end, thinking that he was there to reconcile but… she was also afraid that Shaun would be there just to end things for good between them.
Unbelievable, rage won over the battle inside of her confused head.
-What are you doing here? Did Jordan tell you where I was?- Lea said in such a brutal tone that she couldn't recognize herself.
Shaun opened his expressive blue eyes wide and panicked. He knew Lea very well and judging by the way she talked to him, she was very upset.
-Yes, she did...- Shaun said intertwining his hands tight- I need to talk to you- he added bravely.
-Now?- Lea said in indignation- Shaun, I was trying to talk to you for weeks… I apologized and I'm very sorry for what I did, but you chose to ignore me completely… What's different now?- she added, feeling how rage and sadness were taking over her- Don't worry, as you must know, I quit this morning and you won't have to…
-I got it now…- Shaun interrupted her with shaky voice, thinking it was his moment to say his truth- I was stubborn and I couldn't understand that what you did was not because you don't trust me… once you told me I am a wonderful doctor and that any minimally functional algorithm should detect that. You erased the scores because you thought they were unfair and you wanted to protect me- Shaun said looking directly into her eyes.
Lea's walls just fell to the ground. And her eyes just filled with tears that were about to drop down her cheeks at any moment. She put her hand inside of her pocket and took out a wrinkled piece of paper.
-Do you know what this is? - She asked with a trembling voice.
Shaun recognized the paper and the painful moment where he just crumpled and threw it to the floor yelling he couldn't marry her.
-Yes, it's our wedding venue application- he answered nervously.
-Exactly- Lea said overwhelmed- I could have torned it apart or threw it to te garbage but I still don't do it because I'm so stupid… I was waiting for you to forgive me, and I felt that if I throw this thing away it means our relationship is over.
Shaun's eyes filled with tears too.
-Lea… please… don't do that- he managed to say.
Lea was holding the paper, shaking and about to make a decision that was going to change their lives forever… her cheeks were bathed in tears. She lowered her head and started crying harder, covering her face with both hands.
Shaun felt that the initiative to reconcile was now in his hands, and he thought it was his moment to console her. But when he tried to reach her, she moved, rejecting his embrace and looking at him frowning.
It was the first time Lea rejected him like that and this provoked a very sharp pain in the center of his chest. His worst fears were coming true.
She put her arms down, still holding the crumpled paper. She felt that she was dealing with so many emotions right now and the rage she had been feeling was claiming that Shaun shouldn't be there, ruining the opportunity to find some peace.
-No Shaun… The situation is not that easy to solve. Maybe you had time to figure things out and now many things make sense to you- Lea said calm down- but I'm hurt… and I really need tranquility and to be sure that what happened is going to bring us together or break us apart.
Shaun sadly recalled what Park had told him while driving to the beach. He looked at Lea confused as she kept the paper back into her jacket, and cleaned her tears with the back of her hand.
What could he do now? Shaun thought feeling hurt, disoriented and alone.
-How did you arrive here? - she asked bluntly.
-Park brought me in his car- he managed to reply.
-That means that you don't have a place to stay, it's too late for you to take a bus back to San José- Lea added concern.
-Lea… I want to fix things… Dr. Glassman said we need to talk- Shaun added almost begging.
-I agree- Lea said- but you have to understand that our timings are different and that I'm just processing it all and it hasn't been easy to feel like you ignored me these past weeks… just think of me Ok? I beg you- Lea said looking at him directly in his eyes.
Lea considered that it was necessary for Shaun to understand what she was feeling, and she decided she should be completely honest about it.
-What… are we doing now?- Shaun asked anguished, massaging his hands.
-We will find you a place to sleep- Lea added sharply.
-Are you for real? This can't be happening… - Lea almost yelled. The people at the reception of the hotel turned around to see the woman who was making such a fuss.
-I'm so sorry miss- the receptionist replied- the last room was just rented… let me check with other local hotels.
-Thanks- she said annoyed.
A couple of minutes passed by and she didn't have a positive answer.
-A long holiday is coming- the receptionist tried to explain- everything is full.
Shaun was standing behind Lea and she just kept swearing because of her bad luck.
-All right- she said, turning to face him- you will sleep in my room.
Shaun opened his eyes as wide as he could.
-But you will stay on the floor…- She added setting boundaries and recalling that he won't be so uncomfortable since that was the way he used to sleep before they were together as a couple.
The ride in the elevator was quiet. Lea felt exhausted mentally but also physically and Shaun was trying to be calm, keeping as a secret his desire to make things better with her in the next few hours. He remembered Park's words and he was an insistent man and wouldn't give up in his attempt to reconcile with her.
Lea's rented room was small but cozy. Shaun set his eyes on the bed, and her bag of clothes… which remained open.
-How long were you planning to stay?- Shaun asked, analyzing the amount of clothes she was carrying.
-Four or five days- She said- you know how I tend to overreact and end up carrying more than I should. Besides, the purpose of this trip was to be alone and to fix the mess I have for a life.
Lea took her pajamas and closed her bag, still upset. She was used to changing her clothes in front of Shaun (she was even used to walking naked in front of him) but this was not the moment so she walked towards the bathroom instead. She locked there and got ready to sleep… or at least to try to.
Shaun saw her a little confused. Lea had said that she needed time to think things… and he had to give her that. He thought that it was better to follow her mood to not create a hostile environment.
He panicked when he realized that he was not carrying extra clothes but at least he had his personal toiletry.
When Lea finally went out she found Shaun looking at the floor like examining it.
-What are you doing? - She asked, while keeping her toothbrush in her bag.
-I'm measuring the space I need to sleep- Shaun answered- I'm 5ft 9 ¼ inches long, so it would be appropriate to sleep by the end of the bed.
-Take this- Lea said, grabbing the thickest blanket she found.
-Thank you- he replied while fixing it the best he could on the floor.
Lea felt tenderness and mercy when she saw him kneeling setting his improvised bed. And she felt the desire of inviting him to her bed… but she regretted right away, it wasn't appropriate. She was still angry and sad and the combination of those two feelings could be catastrophic.
As soon as Shaun entered the bathroom to clean his teeth, she covered herself with the blankets and when she heard him coming back she turned off the lights. The moon light was shining through a small space between the curtains.
-Good night Lea- Shaun mumbled from the floor. And she half smiled when hearing him.
-Good night Shaun- she answered, trying to sound as neutral as possible.
Long minutes passed, and none of them could fall completely asleep.
How could they?
Shaun was missing her like crazy and just wanted to hug her… and Lea, despite the rage, was loving to have him so close again.
-Lea?- Shaun asked softly.
She rolled her eyes and thought it was better to pretend she was already sleeping. A few more seconds passed and he continued talking:
-I think you are sleeping now. But I have so many things to tell you and it works for me that you can't hear them, it will be like a rehearsal. I'm really sorry… please forgive me. I know you tried to talk to me many times but I didn't hear you… I think of you so many times during the day, I don't want to lose you, I want to hold you just like I used to do it while alone at home. I love you, and this is as real and absolute as science, medicine and biology… I love you and that won't change even if many years pass by. That's all… I'm sure you will get the message- he whispered under the dim light of the room.
Lea heard everything and shed a couple of tears. She opened the blankets and crawled to one side, looking to the floor.
-Is that true?- She asked with a cracking voice.
-Oh you were awake- he answered surprised.
-Tell me… is that true?- She insisted.
-It is- he replied softly.
-Shaunie, Babe… Everything is so hard…- she said, throwing herself to the bed and holding the blankets to cry.
Shaun straightened up and looked at her feeling hopeful again.
-You just called me Shaunie, and "babe"... a word that could be used as an adjective- he said joyful- you only call me that when we are fine.
Lea looked at him and covered completely with the blankets feeling that all the anger and sadness were finally leaving her body.
Shaun, gaining renewed encouragement, dared to climb on the bed and sat next to her avoiding touching her. He just observed her back and felt the incredible urge to hold her waist.
-Shaun… you shouldn't… it was our wedding- Lea said turning to face him.
-I know… I'm so sorry- he said
Lea just couldn't help it anymore and reached his face to accommodate one of his curls, caressing his forehead. He closed his eyes, thankful and joyful, thinking that maybe everything will be solved sooner than he expected.
-I missed the touch of your hands on my skin- he whispered- these past weeks were similar to that time we were apart because of the pandemics, you remember?
Lea raised an eyebrow clueless but recalling exactly those months of long distance.
-Yes… I do- she sighed.
Shaun just needed her to answer a question that he was keeping for a while now.
-Lea… can you forgive me?
Despite what they have been through Lea could see that Shaun was really sorry for what was happening. The moon light was shining slightly inside of the room and his blue eyes were sparkling waiting for her answer. Her heart wanted to reconcile with him because he was doing his best to be together again.
She hugged him tight, afraid, thinking he could have been just an illusion, something created by her in love and confused heart. Slowly she felt how the rage and sadness were finally leaving her and she was willing to give their relationship another chance.
-Of course I forgive you Shaun… I'm so sorry too for what I did- Lea said caressing his back with infinite love.
-Stop saying that- Shaun answered- you have apologized so many times. I don't want us to end- bringing her closer to him.
-We won't - Lea replied confidently.
Shaun, much calmer, felt the urge to do something he had been missing for weeks now.
-Lea?- He asked, looking directly into her eyes.
-Yes, Shaun- She replied, caressing his cheek tenderly.
-I would like to kiss you, can I do It?- he said nervously.
Lea smiled and nodded while biting her lower lip and he approached closer to kiss her. It was an urgent kiss, mixed with desire, longing, love… but reflecting all his devotion towards her. She opened her eyes at first, surprised by the way he kissed her but then slowly gave herself completely and replied to his caress with the same intensity.
-I never stopped thinking of you- Shaun confessed while catching some breath.
-I thought of you all the time too- She said with a smile and putting her ear over his chest to hear his heartbeats, like always.
Shaun set his chin over her head, feeling the smell of her perfume which was creating a new scent, mixtured with the salty air of the sea near to them. And for the first time he felt good being close to the beach because he was next to Lea… his Lea.
She was simply enjoying his company, she had missed him terribly during these past four weeks. In the background, the sound of the ocean was interrupting softly the silence between them. They were communicating with gestures and caresses, their intimate language and Lea knew that Shaun was showing her all of his love with that hug.
Lea was conscious that they still needed to talk more deeply about their feelings. The full reconciliation was just around the corner but she was also confident, because there was enough love there to build a new path of trust between them.
-Shaun… what happened could have destroyed our relationship forever- She added whispering- but being here, willing to fix things and telling us all of this assures me that we are going through the right path… This can make us stronger.
Shaun thought through her words, and prepared to reveal Lea his latest decisions.
-I don't want to live something like that again- he said alarmed- it's highly possible that we will face a new crisis, especially me. But I would like to have new tools to face and handle things better… and I will find a therapist.
Lea broke apart from his embrace and looked at him surprised, setting her hands on his chest.
-Are you serious?- she asked- this is important and you need to be sure.
-I am- Shaun replied reassuring her and holding her by her waist- I need to do it for you and for me.
-We both made mistakes and it's part of our recovery to acknowledge that and forgive ourselves too- Lea said looking at him with loving eyes- Tell me you love me again.
-I love you Lea-
-I love you too Shaunie-
They kissed again and Lea started to undress him in a mix of rush and tenderness. He replied in the same way and they finally could feel their bare skins willing to be intimate again.
-This is a small bed but I think we'll be just fine- Lea said whispering while the caresses and kisses were becoming more and more intense.