Meredith and Arizona
"We're ok." Arizona said, as much to reassure herself as for the terrified woman next to her. There had been a plane crash in Seattle and the hospital was quickly filling up with victims. Meredith had found Arizona hiding in the supply closet, clearly having had the same reaction as her when she heard the news.
"We're ok." Meredith agreed.
Both surgeons knew this. Both surgeons. The problem was that the part of a surgeon's brain that thinks logically, that knows the intricacies of hundreds of procedures and the precise anatomy of the human body, was nowhere to be seen right now.
Instead, two remarkably intelligent women were stuck relying on their most basic animal instincts to survive. For them, survival meant finding somewhere safe to hide. Supply closet: check. Survival also meant not being separated from the pack. They had each other: another check. They were doing well.
"I can't go back out there." Arizona admitted.
"We have to." Meredith replied. After a minute she added "I can't either."
"We have to keep telling ourselves we're ok. It's not us. We're safe now."
After the plane crash Arizona had tried therapy for a while. It helped her get over the worst of the nightmares, but when it came to time to start talking about certain things it just became too much. She stopped turning up to sessions, telling herself she could live with the remainder of the nightmares. It was a lot better than it had been.
Her therapist taught her something called stimulus discrimination. When she started to panic, to feel like she was being dragged back there, she had to list all the things that are different now compared with being out in the woods.
"I'm full. I had a big lunch today." She said out loud.
"What?" Meredith asked.
"I'm full. There was no food when the plane crashed. That's how I know I'm ok."
Meredith thought for a moment. "I'm warm and dry."
Arizona let out a small smile. "Yes. We're warm and dry."
"It smells really clean and sterile." Meredith added with a hint of a laugh. "God did it stink out there. We stank out there!"
By this point Arizona was laughing too. The heaviness in the air had started to lift.
"Thank you for that." Meredith smiled, reaching out to grab Arizona's hand.
"Do you think we'll ever be ok? Like really ok, not just pretend ok when we're actually all dark and twisty inside?" Meredith asked.
"I hope so. I miss being bright and bubbly." She paused. She hadn't told any of the other plane crash survivors about going to therapy. She saw them all handling it without professional help and couldn't stand to be seen as the weak link of the 'Seattle Grace Five' so she kept her mouth shut. However, seeing Meredith sharing her vulnerability in this terrifying moment made it feel a little bit safer for her to open up and try and offer some comfort to a fellow survivor. "My therapist said it won't ever go away, but with help we can turn it from a traumatic memory, with all the nightmares and overreacting, into an ordinary bad memory. It will always have happened but maybe one day we won't hide in the supply closet when we hear about a plane crash."
For a moment Meredith was torn between asking more about Arizona's therapy, specifically why she hadn't told them about it, and tactfully changing the subject to protect the woman's privacy.
"Are we overreacting though?" She scoffed. "Alex once called this place Seattle Grace Mercy Death. We've survived bombs and shootings and drowning and car crashes and a freaking plane crash!"
"It's funny, my therapist always tried to steer me away from calling it overreacting too. She said we were in real danger and we were reacting appropriately at the time, but now it's no longer helpful for us to be on such high alert all the time. Hearing that list makes me want to go back there and tell her she was wrong." Arizona said, a slight fire and playfulness returning to her demeanour. Her fight was coming back.
"And maybe ask for a refund." Meredith suggested. "If she was doing her job right, how come you ended up in the supply closet too?"
Arizona knew why but a stubborn streak inside her was incredibly reluctant to let her admit it. "Because I quit." She finally said. "I quit once it started to get too hard."
"Do you think you should try again?" Meredith asked curiously.
"Maybe." Arizona replied quietly.
Sensing that the other woman wanted to change the subject, Meredith started to stand up. She offered a hand to Arizona to help her back to her feet as well.
"We really should get back to work. I'm sure there are tiny humans who could do with your help." Meredith said.
"Yes, we can't keep them waiting any longer." Arizona agreed.
Feelings shoved to one side for the time being, both surgeons returned to work hoping they could each make it through the rest of their respective shifts without another meltdown.
Derek and Cristina
Cristina had crashed at Meredith's house after another heavy night of tequila drinking. Her head was pounding as she looked around trying to figure out where she was. The only memory she had of the night before was laughter. There was a lot of laughter. Meredith had always been a fun person to get drunk with.
She became vaguely aware of someone walking around downstairs but tried her hardest to tune them out. The sound of clashing pans or plates or whatever was responsible for that awful noise in the kitchen pierced her skull and did nothing to help her hungover mood.
After what felt like forever, which in reality was only a few minutes, someone came in and placed a glass of water and two painkillers on the coffee table next to the couch she'd woken up on.
"Good morning sunshine." The all too chipper voice of Derek Shepherd rang through the room.
"Go to hell." Cristina mumbled, pulling the pillow over her head in an attempt to down out some of the noise.
"And miss these lovely greetings in the morning?" He laughed.
Cristina was in no mood to deal with anyone who wasn't clearly feeling as awful as she was. Where was Meredith?
"Meredith's in the shower." Derek said, as if he had read her mind. "If you can be ready in 20 minutes you can catch a lift with us to the hospital."
She let out a groan and turned over on the couch.
"Or I could tell Owen about your regular boozy nights over here. I'm sure he'd have a lot to say about that."
This got Cristina up. "You wouldn't dare!" She said, rushing to the other bathroom to take a shower herself. Never having been one to fuss about her appearance, Cristina was in and out of the shower in record time and was soon sat at the counter eating Zola's cereal straight from the box. Meredith was running around making sure Zola had everything she needed for day care, leaving Derek making coffee for the three surgeons.
"Oh my God, I love you!" Cristina said, looking at Derek. "Be mine forever." She grabbed a cup of coffee from right in front of him as soon as Derek had finished pouring it.
"Are you talking to me or the coffee?" Derek laughed. "Because if it's me I think Meredith would have something to say about it."
"Don't be silly, dumbass. I'm talking about the coffee. The life blood of a surgeon."
Derek, who had been getting increasingly worried about the amount Cristina had been drinking and how often she ended up waking up on their couch, took this as an opportunity to try and ask her about it.
"Along with tequila?" He knew it was usually best to tread carefully with Cristina, but also how much she hated being coddled. He hoped he was getting the tone right. The last thing he needed was to have the conversation shut down before it even started.
"What's it to you?" Cristina asked.
"I've just noticed you've been drinking a lot more than usual." Derek probed.
"Ha!"
"What?"
"You do care!"
Derek was taken aback. This was not how he expected this conversation to go.
"Of course I care, Cristina. I think of you as a friend. Or a not quite sister-in-law."
"Your wife drinks just as much as I do."
"She doesn't wake up in quite as foul of a mood." Derek pointed out. Sure, Meredith was usually Cristina's drinking companion but more often than not she knew her limits and stopped before she drank too much that she regretted it the next morning. That, or she had a better metabolism. Either way, Meredith was never the one to bite his head off the morning after.
"She thinks you aren't dealing with the plane crash."
"I'm dealing with it fine."
"You don't talk to her about it." Cristina said.
Wait, Derek paused, when did this become about me? "I don't hear you two talking about it either."
"We don't talk, it's not how we cope. But you grew up in a house of girls and talk about everything. It's strange that you're not talking about this."
"I don't think you're dealing with it either. I think you're drinking to stop yourself from feeling whatever it is that you don't want to feel."
Cristina thought about this for a second. "Maybe you're right."
"Maybe you are too." Derek replied.
"We should go to work." Cristina said decisively. And that was that. Conversation finished. Maybe that was progress? To Derek it felt like it, Cristina had acknowledged something was wrong without shutting down or shouting at him. He also realised that maybe she had a point too. Maybe there was something he was avoiding dealing with. Maybe it was time to start facing up to what happened a little bit more.
Arizona and Mark
Dear Mark,
It's been a while since I wrote to you. Things got pretty crazy here for a while. Sofia's starting to do a bit better now, but I'm still worried about her. She's starting high school soon, which I know would make you very scared. She's definitely got her parents' looks and their charm. She'll have all the kids fawning over her.
I've been thinking a lot about something you said to me one night out in the woods. You said if you didn't make it that you wanted me to make sure Sofia knew the best parts of you. I remember telling you not to talk like that. I said we'd all make it out of there alive and you'd be able to watch her grow up. I'm sorry I was wrong, but I've never broken the promise I made to you that night. I know I wasn't your biggest fan. Who could blame me? You slept with my ex-wife. Multiple times!
I'm getting away from the point. What I'm trying to say is that Sofia knows the best parts of you because she is the best parts of you. She's loyal and determined. She cares for everyone and she's the smartest kid I know.
She's been having a hard time recently though. Maybe you already knew that. I don't know what you can see up there, or wherever you are. Or if you can even see anything. She's been struggling to leave our sides, me and Callie. If she's not at school she's either at my house or hers. It's like she doesn't want to let us go in case something bad happens.
I remember when I woke up after my leg was amputated, I was scared of everything. I wouldn't leave the house. Everyone thought I was just depressed but I was terrified. I didn't think I could do what I needed to do any more. I didn't think I could look after myself, let alone Sofia. I was terrified of letter her down. Do you think she learnt it from me?
You'd know how to help. You always had a way of making people around you feel calm and safe, even me! Even when I hated you, I could always rely on you to talk some sense into me. Sofia needs that. She needs to know nothing bad is going to happen if she just lives a little. I want her to enjoy high school. I want her to make the most of all those experiences. There's so much to learn, so many people to meet, so many parties to sneak out to that we'll pretend we don't know about as long as she comes home safe and happy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you. And I'm sorry if I've messed Sofia up in any way. She was the light of your world, just as she is the light of mine. I hope you're there watching over her.
All my love,
Arizona
Dear Arizona,
I've missed your letters. I would watch over your shoulder as you wrote them and it would be a rare glimpse into your world. I hope you keep writing to me.
I know you'll never get to read this, which sucks because I just wish I could offer you some comfort. I've seen how hard Sofia is finding things but I've also seen how amazing you and Callie have been at getting her the help she needs. She'll be ok. Don't think I didn't notice it was you who got her to come with you to the mall for the first time since she started struggling. You were so patient and understanding and gave her everything she needed to feel safe enough to try something scary. With you in her corner she will be absolutely fine.
Maybe she did learn some of that fear from you, but so what? She probably would have learnt it somewhere with all the tragedy that's happened in our life. Heaven knows she didn't get off to the best start with the accident! And before you even start to blame yourself for that you need to remember it wasn't your fault.
In a weird way I'm grateful you have some sort of experience of anxiety yourself because I couldn't think of a better person to understand what Sofia is going through and help her through it. She's lucky to have you. Callie was lucky too – she's an idiot for not seeing that. I would die on this hill if I wasn't already dead.
You're right though, she's going to be a real heartbreaker when she starts high school. You'll probably be glad I'm not there interfering. She'll get to have two cool parents who won't cramp her style or try and chaperone her dates. Actually, on second thoughts, you should probably do that on my behalf. I won't have some random kid taking advantage of our baby girl!
Look after yourself, Arizona. And look after my baby girl.
Take care,
Mark
Meredith and Lexie
More than a decade had passed since the plane crash and Meredith found herself the last of the 'Seattle Grace Five' to still work at Grey Sloan Memorial. Derek, Lexie and Mark had passed away. She still spoke with Cristina as often as scheduling allowed which, with three young children, different time zones and the insane schedules of two surgeons, was not as often as she would have liked. Arizona and Meredith still met for a drink whenever they were in the same city for conferences and the like. But, again, to call this infrequent would be a massive understatement.
It had been a year since she had woken up from her coma and she still occasionally found herself revisiting the beach in her dreams. She was often alone, although when old friends did appear it always left her feeling as if she had been on an emotional rollercoaster.
This particular night she found herself walking towards the water when she noticed a figure in a pale green cardigan and white trousers jumping over the waves as they rolled in to the shore. Long brown hair whipped around her face, caught up in the sea breeze.
She recognised her instantly.
"Lexie!" Meredith shouted out to the woman.
Lexie turned around. "Meredith?" She asked in shock.
"Who else?" Meredith replied.
Lexie started running towards her sister, arms stretched out ready to embrace her. Meredith stood still, scared that if she let herself get too excited at seeing the younger Grey she would fade away, ruining this perfect reunion.
This was always her problem, and Lexie often told her as much. She was terrified of feeling good because feeling good meant she had something to lose. Something was bound to be taken away. Meredith Grey was not allowed to be this happy.
"It's so good to see you." Lexie smiled as she finally wrapped her arms around her older sister. "What brings you here?"
"You know I never know the answer to that."
"I saw you got a new job offer."
"You don't think I should take it." Meredith guessed.
"It doesn't matter what I think. What do you think?"
"I don't know how to leave Seattle. I have a life there. My kids have a life there."
"And?" Lexie asked, sensing hesitation.
"And I can't help wondering what life would be like if I left. Would I lose everyone I love? I'm the only person Cristina really talks to from Seattle any more, apart from sending a Christmas card to Alex every year. He's gone now too, so have Callie and Arizona. And none of them seem to really speak to each other anymore. Is that what happens when you move away?" Meredith asked.
"It doesn't have to be." Lexie commented.
"What's the alternative? I stay stuck in the past? Stuck with all that pain?"
"The pain of everyone you've lost." Lexie finished for her. "Seattle has a lot of difficult memories for you. So many. You've been through more than most people would in a hundred lifetimes."
"Exactly. Why should I stay?"
Lexie thought for a minute about how to get through to her sister. "What has got you through the pain in the past?"
"Tequila." Meredith laughed.
"Tequila and…" Lexie prompted.
"All those nights getting drunk with Cristina all through residency."
"You're getting warmer." Lexie chuckled. Meredith wondered why her sister found her inability to answer her cryptic questions so amusing. "What about after residency? And after Cristina left?"
"I had Alex. I'd kick his girlfriend out of bed and force him to be my person when Cristina couldn't."
"So, what's important?" Lexie asked.
"The people." Meredith replied. "But if they people are what's important, shouldn't I stay in Seattle?"
"There are people everywhere."
"I don't have to lose contact with them if I move, or if they move away."
"No, you don't."
"But I do if they die."
"Says who?" Lexie asked. "You still talk to me."
"But you're not real, you're just a dream."
"You seem very certain of that. How do you know I'm not real? How do you know this isn't some sort of heaven?"
Meredith thought on this for a moment. "Because if it was that would mean something good came out of all that tragedy. It would mean I could still be happy with the people I love when they're gone. The world doesn't work like that."
"What if it could?"
"Now you're just talking crazy." Meredith laughed.
"Maybe I am, or maybe I'm right." Lexie argued. "Or maybe both can be true."
"Were you this annoying when you were alive?"
"More." Lexie giggled.
"I'd like to come back here more." Meredith mused.
"I'd like that too, just don't wish your life away dreaming of seeing us again."
"I miss you."
"I miss you too." Lexie replied.
"Mom!" Someone shouted in the distance. Meredith could feel herself being pulled out of her peaceful dream and back into the harsh reality of her life. "Mom! Bailey made a mess all over the kitchen!" Zola shouted.
For a split-second Meredith noticed herself feeling annoyed at Zola and Bailey for disturbing her, but this was quickly pushed away when she heard Lexie's voice in her head. 'Don't wish your life away'. She was right. Her kids were amazing and she was pretty darn lucky to have them. Smiling, she sat up in bed and searched for her slippers.
"Alright Zo, I'm up. What mess have I got to look forward to downstairs?"