To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Lenore Sagal
Subject: Welcome to the Neighborhood
Dear Mr. Stilinski-Hale and Mr. Hale,
As HOA president of Canaan's Gated Community, I would like to welcome you and your husband to our little village. I am sure that you will find living here as warm and inviting as the residents living in the neighborhood. Rest assured, we are a very progressive residential area and embrace people like you and your husband as well as interspecies couple relationships between a human and Alpha Werewolf. Let me be the first to say it is wonderful seeing a loving, committed couple moving to our little community and I hope you find living in Canaan a harmonious place to live.
With that said, I want to give you a friendly reminder that HOA dues must be paid in a timely fashion at the end of the month. These dues help upkeep and beautify our neighborhood from the lawns being cut, maintenance of our local residential park and community center, and extra private security. Furthermore, trash and recycling pick up is every Friday so please pull out your bins for the incoming trucks no more than two inches from your curb and make sure they face out toward the street. Please read the indicated areas marked on your plastic bins if you are unsure. Any violations of the bylaws in your HOA agreement will result in penalties if not followed.
Other than that, welcome to the neighborhood!
Sincerely,
Lenore Sagal
HOA President
To: Lenore Sagal
From: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
Subject: Wow! Passive Aggressive Much?
Dear Lenore,
Thank you for the welcome, I think. My husband, Derek and I, did read the bylaws when we bought our home and we read the agreement. You know the contract? The piece of paper that details everything of what we need to pay to live in a place where we we're not dealing with rogue werewolf hunters, ghost gunslingers, and demonic ninjas? We're fully aware of trash pick ups and how to cut our lawn. In fact, I've invested in a flame thrower and will torch the grass when it gets pretty high. I kept one after a kanima battle but that's a whole another story.
Anyway, don't worry about our trash bins. We'll pull out the containers for the trash days unless I'm having another sleepwalking incident again. Like that REM sleep disorder when a Nogitsune possessed me; your body is paralyzed. It's called muscle atonia. That way if you start dreaming about running, you don't actually start running in your bed. Sometimes your mind can wake up before your body does. So for a split second, you're actually aware that your body is paralyzed. And that's the terrifying part. It turns your dream into a nightmare like you're being sacrificed in the middle of a forest by your husband's tree hugging ex-girlfriend who could use a facelift or two.
I'm sure Derek and I can manage with what happens on our property that complies with HOA rules. For now, thank you for the concern but we'll be fine.
Sincerely,
Stiles Stilinski-Hale
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Lenore Sagal
Subject: How Rude!
Dear Mr. Stilinski-Hale,
I found your last e-mail appallingly rude. I did not appreciate the snark or the sarcasm of your tone nor do I care about your sleep apnea troubles. As HOA president, I want to point out that your trash bins had not been pulled out to the curb by two inches but ten inches, in fact. This obstructs the road and makes it a hazard for oncoming traffic. Hence, per our bylaws, we will have to fine you and your husband $50 for a direct violation of the HOA agreement. We will bill you at the end of the month for this.
Furthermore, I want to address the issue of my son, Caleb, who seems to wander into your house and refuses to return home. As a mother, I teach him not to talk to strangers especially since he fully does not comprehend your 'type' of relationship. Kindly request that you return him home because I don't want him to be swayed from the wholesome values I'm teaching him.
Lastly, your misplaced joke of torching your lawn with a flamethrower was done in poor taste. At no point are you allowed to use weapons of mass destruction in Canaan and if there is any hint of such contraband, the authorities will confiscate it. This is your one and only warning. Do not even think of doing such a thing or there will be consequences.
Sincerely,
Lenore Sagal
HOA President
To: Lenore Sagal
From: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
Dear Lenore,
If you think getting rid of contradictions in all your sentences makes your argument any more legitimate, then you are wrong. My husband and I do not respond to idle threats. In fact, we are not paying the $50 fine due to the ridiculousness of it all. As for your son, Caleb, it's not our fault he is a ghost. Oh yeah, he told us everything including how he accidentally drowned on YOUR watch! You claim that you are teaching him values but he is the one that wandered into a stranger's house and caught me and my husband in very intimate moment. We were trying to see if the mpreg stories were true. Sadly, they are not but it doesn't mean we won't stop practicing; so if Caleb wants the birds and bees lessons about what happens between two men, a human and an Alpha, then he's getting the full Kinsey education. If you want to teaching him family values, start by having him not haunt other people's houses! Derek and I are more than happy to tell him the truth him of how the world really works.
In fact, this new-found heroism made me even more attractive to my husband, so we made out a bit in front of Caleb just to let him see how two affectionate, loving men feel. As far as our lawn, I've nixed the flamethrower idea and now I'm considering hydrochloric acid. I'm a whiz at chemistry. That baby will eat through anything. No more grass. Problem solved.
Insincerely,
Stiles Stilinski-Hale
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Lenore Sagal
Subject: No More Mrs. Nice Gal
Dear Mr. Hale,
Based on your last response, I will no longer address you with polite formalities. Not once do you comply with your HOA agreement, but you have proven to be terrible neighbors as well. You are still not pulling your trash bins two inches from the curb. Another $50 fine! Not to mention, what a horrible influence you are on Caleb. He doesn't need to know all about your filthy lifestyle! I am no longer going to entertain the idea having you both in our quiet, peaceful community. Instead, I will get the authorities involved and even our attorneys since you are refusing to follow the HOA contract and refusing the neighborhood guidelines. MARK MY WORDS! YOU DON'T WANT TO CROSS ME!
As for my son being a ghost, that is not your concern. He has a condition he can't help. If he wants to haunt other people's houses, then he is free do so according to the law. It's considered a disability! I will have words with my son, but I won't let him become corrupted with the likes of you and how he passed is not any of your business! You are not a parent, so you have no right judge me! Don't underestimate the power of a mother scorned!
Insincerely,
Mrs. Lenore Karenina Sagal
HOA President
To: Lenore Sagal
From: Derek Hale
Subject: Here's What I Think of Your HOA
Dear Mrs. Sagal,
This is Derek Hale, Stile's husband.
FUCK YOU!
Derek Hale
To: Derek Hale
From: Lenore Sagal
Subject: Legal Action Taken
Dear Mr. Hale and Mr. Hale,
Your last e-mail was disgusting and in poor taste. Who do you think you are? You have left me no choice but to get the local authorities involved and I have consulted with my attorney concerning your refusal to pay your HOA fines. In addition, you've upset my poor Caleb! Do you know what your filthy influence has done to my son? I caught him surfing the internet and watching something called SoloFans full of naked women doing God knows what! You've corrupted my boy! Did you not read my e-mail? He's disabled and impressionable! Have you no heart? No shame? Mark my words, I will make you pay!
An Angry Mother,
Mrs. Lenore Karenina Sagal
HOA President
To: Lenore Sagal
From: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
Subject: Ha! Got Your Nose!
Dear Lenore,
Your plan backfired, bitch! Sad to see that the town sheriff of Beacon Hills not giving a shit! I'll tell my father you said hello. I do have to commend you though on sicking your second cousin-twice removed lawyer on us but our attorney friends, Ethan and Jackson Whittemore, had a talk with him and unfortunately, there is no legal leg for you to stand on so you can kiss my cute human ass!
And you're welcome on allowing us to teach Caleb what SoloFans is. I mean for a ghost of twenty stuck in the eternal body of a ten-year-old, life must suck in the afterlife. I introduced him to Pornotube so I'm sure he is rubbing one out as we speak so I'd invest in tissues and skin lotion. In addition, Caleb is a ghost, not disabled. The disability law only applies to individuals who are living. Hence, your argument is invalid.
You'll be happy to know that I've giving up on the flamethrower and acid idea of maintaining our lawn. Instead, I hired a wonderful gardener who trims the grass and bushes into some amazing shapes. I hope you like the new rocket ship shrubbery in the front that we wrapped with Christmas lights. It shoots off a special sparkling explosion!
Let me know what you think.
Stiles "I'm a Bad Boy" Stilinksi-Hale
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Lenore Sagal
Subject: Take that Down Immediately!
Dear Mr. Hale!
You and your husband are disgusting, filthy men! This is a disgrace! I demand you take that horrible, obscene bush off your lawn immediately! That's a $300 fine! You might have law enforcement and the lawyers in Beacon Hills fooled but I will go to the higher ups! The mayor! The governor! Believe me, I have my connections! When I'm done with you, you'll wish you never moved to Canaan Gated Community!
You two are the worst interspecies people on the planet! Not only is your lifestyle immoral but you corrupted by poor Caleb who now has succumbed to the evils of pornographic addiction. I can't get him off that damn computer and that sinful internet. He wants to see naked ladies all day! I blame you both!
You're going to pay for this! One way or another you'll pay for this!
One Angry Mother,
Mrs. Lenore Karenina Sagal
To: Lenore Sagal
From: Derek Hale
Subject: Re: Take That Down Immediately!
Dear Mrs. Lenore,
Your threats are empty, and your terror tactics are comedic. Not only have you proven yourself repeatedly that you are homophobic, but you are specist as well. Just because my husband and I are a gay couple who are human, and werewolf does not mean we deserve your hateful diatribe and comments. No we will not back down! We will keep our phallic bush in the front with the flashing lights and adding some extra outside décor. Furthermore, we are not paying any of the fines, so suck it!
I hope you like our colorful Christmas lights with our Alphabet Mafia flag right in front of our porch. Oh and we're adding an inflatable Frosty and Rudolph to add to our rocket bush on the lawn. Sure, Christmas is six months away but why not start early? Our neighbor is into taxidermy so he gave me and Stiles a dead possum and skunk which we posed them right by the stoop holding a can of beer, wearing a hunting cap, and holding a joint or two. We're calling this art piece Murica'.
Enjoy!
Mr. Derek Hale
To: Derek Hale
From: Lenore Sagal
Subject: Re: Re: Take That Down Immediately!
Dear Mr. Hale,
YOU SIR ARE AN IMBECCILE! Not only is your horrible display an eyesore for the Canaan community but you're bringing down property values down in the neighborhood! I'm fining you $200 and demand you take that horrendous décor and cut down that obscene bush or I'm brining this up with the local city council and exposing you for the terrible neighbors that you are!
For the record, I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC or SPECIST! I have many gay friends. In fact my great aunt is a lesbian and I know many supernatural creatures like wendigos, chimeras, and even a Skinwalker or two! How dare you call me such things! Are you trying to slander me as an excuse for being nightmare neighbors?
The issue here is you both! Either take down that decorations and display and pay your HOA fines or there will be hell to pay!
No More Mrs. Nice Girl,
Mrs. Lenore Sagal
To: Lenore Sagal
From: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
Subject: Run Forrest Run!
To Mrs. Sagal,
Revenge is a bitch, ain't it? I mean you did try, Lenore, to boot us our home but we played the winning card with an ace. How's Caleb? Oh yeah. We exorcised him from your home. The poor ghost boy was sick being trapped and living under Mommy's thumb and begged to go into his final resting place. That's why I called our witch doctor friend, Dr. Deaton, to perform an exorcism ritual to allow Caleb to finally go into the light. He is finally at peace now. Meanwhile, you can listen to sad songs in his memory. It's called heartbreak. About two billions songs have been written about it.
Sorry but we are ignoring the due slips. The HOA is a joke and we're not paying so put that in your pipe and smoke it, lady! We've talked with the other neighbors, and you've been extorting money under the guise of the HOA for Canaan and, surprisingly, none of the payments have done anything to improve the neighborhood regarding repairs and upkeep. Yet, you managed to secure financing to renovate your house and get a new car. Suspect?
So no, we are not going to take down the decorations or the display. In fact, we're adding a couple more things. How about wooden pirate ship on the front lawn? Derek always loved Pirates of the Caribbean! We can perform sea shanties and dress up. I can be a tavern wench!
Hope you like a couple more taxidermized animals. Derek got a nice big reindeer, a three toed sloth, and platypus to add to the menagerie in the front.
Sorry, Not Sorry,
Stiles Stilinski-Hale
HOA Destroyer
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Lenore Sagal
Subject: Re: Run Forrest Run!
YOU SICK, ASSHOLE, SON OF A BITCH! YOU TOOK MY SON AWAY! I'LL KILL YOU, HEATHEN! I'LL KILL YOU!
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Chris Argent
Subject: FYI. Danger Heading Your Way. Caution
Dear Stiles,
This Chris. Word on the street is that your neighbor, Lenore Sagal, hired some rogue hunters from Tamara Monroe's army. You and Derek might want to be on the lookout.
Chris Argent
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Chris Argent
Subject: Re: FYI Danger Heading Your Way. Caution
Dear Chris,
Thanks for the heads up. Derek and I are in New York right now visiting his sister Cora. We'll lay low and stay safe.
Stiles
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Sheriff Stilinksi
Subject: Update on Your Neighbor Lenore
Son,
This is your dad. We got a call about an explosion coming from the Canaan neighborhood and went to check it out. It turns out your troublesome neighbor, Lenore Sagal, called in some rogue werewolf hunters from Monroe's army to blow up your house. Unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding, and they targeted the wrong home and instead attacked Lenore's residence instead.
It turns out that Lenore is an old banshee and when she saw the intruders, she freaked out and released her wail. Between the explosives, guns, and a banshee's shriek, it created a huge explosion causing the house to collapse in a huge inferno of sorts killing everyone inside including Lenore and the hunters. Fire crews are extinguishing the flames as speak but her house is destroyed.
Sadly, some of the flames struck the front of your lawn and torched your displays. Don't worry your house is fine but your lawn decorations are barbecued including the weird mushroom bush in front. I may not understand gay design, but I do question both you and Derek's personal aesthetic. Maybe consider going simpler like in those home improvement shows.
Anyway, call me when you get back in town and the three us can have dinner sometime.
Love,
Dad
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Gwen Boe
Subject: Hi. This is Your Neighbor.
Hi Mr. and Mister Hale,
My name is Gwen Boe. I'm your neighbor five houses down. I heard about what happened and I'm glad you and your husband are safe. I'm happy to see your house wasn't affected by the fire despite your lawn decorations being destroyed but my family and all the other neighbors were cracking up at your revenge tactics on Lenore Sagal.
To tell you the truth, nobody in Canaan liked her. We called her Banshee Bitch because she cheated her way into getting elected as HOA president. Then she used her position to fine everyone with ridiculous fines and then pocketed the money for herself while threaten us all with a lawsuit. Nobody would stand up to her except for you guys. Thank you.
We're planning a neighborhood council meeting about dismantling the HOA and with Lenore gone we can finally host community block parties that she refused to let us have. We hope you can join us, neighbor, for this event.
Sincerely,
Gwen Boe
To: Gwen Boe
From: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
Subject: Re: Hi. This is Your Neighbor
Dear Gwen,
Count us in. We're looking forward to meeting and connecting with everyone.
Sincerely,
Stiles Stilinski-Hale
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Derek Hale
Subject: What Do You Think?
Babe,
Now that Lenore's gone, and her property is up for grabs. I crunched the numbers, and we can purchase it cheap, rebuild it and rent it out as extra income. Don't worry if her ghost still haunts the place, we can get Deaton to exorcise it before putting the listing for rent. What do you say?
Derek
To: Derek Hale
From: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
Subject: Re: What Do You Think?
I say we do it, hon. Why don't we celebrate tonight by trying some more mpreg tonight just to prove it works?
Stiles
To: Stiles Stilinksi-Hale
From: Derek Hale
Subject: Re: Re: What Do You Think:
RAAAWR! ;D
THE END