Welcome back to TBFF! Long time, no see, eh? My apologies, I've been quite busy and I'm afraid that my fandom obsession has shifted to Harry Potter, most surprisingly. Anyway, I am still quite determined to finish this, though it is hard. I feel like I've been working on it forever. However, it will get finished and it will get easier to write once we get to the climax. It's just the getting there part that's worrisome. I've been extremely busy with college too, but I've somehow managed to finally get this baby out. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or anything associated with Tolkien Enterprises.
ooOoo
To Be Forever Faithful
By Ponytail Goddess
Chapter 33: Pondering Life and Death
A tingly feeling that brought warmth to her cheek was what first made Belegwen start to stir from her deep slumber. Then she slowly started to feel the presence of another elf. Belegwen tried to ignore this, even as she felt the bed incline a bit under the weight of another.
"Good morning beautiful." She heard a soft male voice say…a male voice that was not Haldir's. Immediately, Belegwen gasped and blinked to rewet her eyes, then quickly turned to find Rumil sitting on her bed, smiling softly at her as he stroked her cheek. "How are you feeling this morning? Better than before, I hope?"
Belegwen closed her eyes breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing Rumil there. "You scared me, Rumil." She murmured, as he continued to stroke her cheek gently.
Rumil just chuckled a bit at this. "Indeed, I did." He said in an amused voice, but quickly sobered up, "You look better than you did yesterday. Did you get your worries straightened out with Haldir?"
"Yes and praise the Valar for it! I do believe I owe you my gratitude, for who else would be able to pull the mighty marchwarden from his post?" She asked softly, with a small chuckle.
"It was I." Rumil admitted tenderly as he smiled down at her. "I could not stand knowing that you and my brother were suffering so."
Belegwen's eyes seemed to smile as they made contact with Rumil's. "I am grateful Rumil. Thank you." She said, taking his hand and giving it a small squeeze. "You are a good friend."
This, however, made Rumil break out in loud laughter. "Sadly," he started after he recovered from his outburst, "you may not think so after I give you this." He said, holding up a large scroll of paper.
"What is it?" Belegwen asked curiously, cocking up her eyebrow as she gingerly sat up in her bed.
"It is a list of jobs for you to do for the next four days, sent to you straight from Marchwarden Haldir." He replied rather grimly.
"Four days worth?" Belegwen asked, looking a bit horrified, "Why?"
"Belegwen," Rumil said, resting his hand on her arm in a reassuring way, "We are going to war. It was declared yesterday while you were in reverie."
However, Belegwen had no reply, feeling quite shocked by all of this. Looking towards Rumil, she saw that he looked just as worried as she felt. "So it has finally come."
"Yes." Rumil said equally soft. "Lord Elrond is in agreement with the lady. Together, they have decided that recent events match up with those Lady Galadriel has foreseen in her mirror. Our time for involvement is now. Soldiers from Imladris will be joining us in four days and then we will journey together to Helm's Deep."
"Will we make it there on time?" She asked, looking rather worriedly at Rumil.
"I believe so." He answered solemnly, "There are no signs of danger there currently, but it will take several fortnights for us to travel there. If we waited until there were signs of danger, I daresay we would come much too late."
"I see." Belegwen murmured, thoroughly overwhelmed by the suddenness of the information. It seemed like just a few hours ago that she had been reveling in the feel of Haldir's arms around her. Now all she could feel was the churning of her stomach.
While Haldir had already hinted to her that this day would soon come, Belegwen could not help but feel surprised. With war came death, which was not a natural thing for elves. Though Belegwen had obtained many foul injuries over the years, she had never once thought that she might die. For the first time, the possibility was there and struck her as odd.
Elves were not meant to die.
Distracted and a bit distraught, Belegwen quickly pushed her dark thoughts away momentarily and focused on Rumil. "May I see my itinerary?" She asked quietly.
In response to this, Rumil gave her arm another reassuring squeeze. "Everyone is overwhelmed about it—you are not alone."
"I know Rumil, but as a marchwarden, I cannot let it show to others." She said softly, smiling sadly.
"I am certain they would be understanding Belegwen. Though I see where it might be beneficial at certain times, there is no need for you to always push your emotions deep within yourself." He argued back gently, but intensely.
She felt his hand grasp her shoulders and she looked up into his eyes. They expressed pity for her and her position. Belegwen sighed and looked down at the pile of crumpled sheets that were in her lap.
"It is a chance I am unwilling to take Rumil, especially not now when we are suddenly on the brink of war. I need all of the wardens to follow me and I cannot risk them seeing me as a coward." Belegwen confided to him, then added, "I cannot imagine Haldir acting any differently either. He will hide what he feels as well."
"You are correct in saying that, dearest Belegwen. However, nobody expects you to be like Haldir." Rumil said as he stood up from his seat on her bed.
Belegwen watched as he walked to her armor rack and picked up a letter from it, then placed it in her hands. Quickly, Belegwen broke the sealing wax and glanced through her schedule. It was full for the next four days, planed down to the minute. In fact, she was supposed to be starting the first preparation right at that very moment.
"Oh dear, it seems my first engagement is supposed to be happening right now." She said, jumping out of bed quickly and grabbing her boots, still clad in the training clothes she had worn two days ago.
"I will be on my way then." Rumil said, turning towards the door, but then gracefully turning back again. "You will tell me if you need anything, will you not? Even if it is just the need of my extremely charming company?" He asked, pretending to be serious.
Belegwen smiled at his joke. "Of course Rumil. Thank you."
ooOoo
With a sigh, Haldir put down the quill that had lingered in his hand for far too long without motion. What was wrong with him? Why could he not concentrate on his work—work that was very important, considering they were going to war in a mere two days?
Of course, he knew why. Every time he closed his eyes, Haldir saw Orophin's face staring back at him eerily, just as it had in the lady's mirror. According to even Galadriel herself, this had been an odd vision.
Haldir had not been shown the past, present, or future. What he had seen was his brother, as if he was interacting with him from the Halls of Mandos. Had his brother been trying to warn him about something? Was he going to die during this up and coming battle?
A small flicker of fear caused Haldir's heart to skip a beat as he pondered this. If he chose to decipher the vision that way, he could have very well been seeing the future, where he was interacting with Orophin because they were both dead.
It was not a reassuring thought.
Though Haldir had led a rather long and productive life, he was certainly not ready for it to end. There were still many things he had not experienced that he wanted to. Things he would prefer to do in Arda.
Really, he should not even have to ponder death in such a way! Elves were not meant to die! When it came down to it, Haldir wanted to sail to Valinor at a time of his choosing and surpass death, as that gift was not meant for the Eldar.
It was there though. This was how he had interpreted the vision and it was really the only possibility he could draw from his otherworldly encounter with Orophin.
Haldir was going to die.
Or at least, that was the most reasonable conclusion he could draw from all of this. Really, this was a very inopportune time for him to die, as he was now tied up with another.
There was Belegwen—Belegwen whom he cared about, Belegwen whom he had fought for so she would give him one more chance that he did not deserve.
Belegwen, whom he loved, even if he could not admit it to her face.
If only he could tell her. If only there was some way they could-
Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by two strong arms wrapping around his neck and a light kiss to the top of his head. "Brother." Haldir acknowledged, knowing that Rumil was the only ellon who would give him such a greeting.
"Haldir." Rumil's telltale voice said back. "I am on a short break and thought you might desire a bit of company."
"Indeed, I do." He said as Rumil came into his line of vision. "I have been sitting at this desk for far too long."
"Perhaps sitting on your balcony for a little while would give you a nice change in scenery." Rumil suggested, already heading out the open wall without waiting for Haldir to agree.
Haldir followed him out without argument and sat down beside him in the shade, dangling his legs off the balcony just like his brother. A small smile crept up on his face as the warm sunlight hit his face. Indeed, it had been far too long since he had been away from his desk.
"I was glad to hear that you are on friendly terms with Belegwen again." Rumil said bluntly, which resulted in Haldir whipping his head around to glare at Rumil for bringing up this particular topic which he desperately wanted to avoid.
"You are annoyed with me for bringing it up." Rumil said, looking a bit sad that Haldir had not received his comment in a better manner. "I just wanted to say that I am glad you two have gotten close. You have not had much in the way of companionship recently and I am glad you have found some."
Haldir made no comment in return to this. One voice inside of his head was telling him to confide in Rumil about Belegwen. The other half of him insisted that such an action would prove he was a hypocrite, as he had condemned Rumil for being romantically involved with Belegwen when the whole incident had started all those weeks ago.
Overall, Haldir really did need advice on the matter. He did not know how to handle this situation that he was now tangled within. Advice seemed like a luxery though and Haldir knew he could not ask for it from Rumil. He and Belegwen had to remain a secret at least until the battle was over, then perhaps there would be some chance of happiness for them.
That is, if Haldir made it through the battle.
"Brother, you are troubled." Rumil said softly. Haldir's eyes met Rumil's once again and saw concern for him in his eyes. "Am I no longer a trusted confidant?"
"Of course brother," Haldir said, trying his best to reassure Rumil, "It is just a trivial matter. Do not concern yourself with it."
However, when Rumil's hand grabbed Haldir's arm, he knew he was not going to get away with any more excuses. "Haldir, every time you say that, it really is an important matter! I am worried about you! You used to tell Orophin and I everything! You have not been yourself since... since he passed."
"I know." Haldir answered after a long pause. Then, at a whisper he said, "I saw him."
Rumil's eyebrows dipped down in confusion. "What are you talking about Haldir?"
"I saw Orophin in the lady's mirror." Haldir said almost inaudibly.
Rumil held onto Haldir's arm tightly and showed no signs of letting go. When Rumil said nothing, Haldir continued. "She said the mirror would show my past, present, or future, but this was more interactive. It was like his spirit was really there in the water. The Lady did not know what it meant."
"Oh Haldir," Rumil muttered and a few seconds later, Haldir felt his brother's arms around his shoulders. It took Haldir a second to decide what to do, but he found himself returning the embrace quietly. Though Haldir would have never actively sought such comfort for himself, he would openly receive that which was freely given to him. Indeed, he appreciated his brother's efforts greatly.
However, there was no need to go into details about his own hypothesis. After all, Haldir's theory was only a theory at best and he did not want to worry his brother about what he thought might be his last battle in the living world.
Really, there was no need to trouble anyone about the matter.
Thusly, Haldir resolved to tell no one of his new development. The elves around him certainly had enough on their minds with the war to worry about. He had all the comfort he needed in his brother's embrace.
"You do not know its meaning then?" Rumil questioned quietly without relinquishing his hold on Haldir.
"No, I do not." Haldir said, lying with ease as he had been trained to do so long ago.
"What a terrible time to experience such a thing." Rumil said, finally pulling away to look Haldir in the eyes. Haldir was prepared for this though and gave him a smile of sincerity, even though his heart was quaking within his chest.
"I know." He replied, looking down to try and get his thoughts under control.
"Brother, you cannot let this get to you." Rumil said firmly, grasping his arm with renewed vigor, "If you are distracted during the battle, bad things could happen and I will not have it."
Oh dear, perhaps it was a bad idea to tell Rumil. Perhaps he would draw his own conclusions. The last thing that Haldir had wanted to do was worry his brother, but it seemed as though it had happened anyway.
"You must not die, Haldir. You must not leave me alone." Rumil said most adamantly. "I would be the only family member left if you were to die! I do not know if I can deal with that!" He said pleadingly.
"Brother," Haldir said, trying to be the voice of reason in this awkward situation. He really had not expected Rumil to act like this, but in the back of his head, it made sense. Slowly, their family was dwindling down to nothing and Orophin's death was still an unhealed wound. "I cannot promise you such a thing. You know that." He said slowly, taking one of Rumil's hands in his own.
"You also know that I have much experience in battle, more than any other warden in these woods. Do you doubt my skill brother?" Haldir asked.
"Certainly not, but I still worry. You are my brother and I love you dearly. I do not want you to do something careless because your mind is full of things other than the battle at hand." Rumil said.
"I will not be careless Rumil. You know this. We have better things to be worried about than this-" Haldir started.
"Really?" Rumil said, interrupting him. "The last time I checked, the welfare of my brother-"
"Erthalion, Rumil." Haldir said sternly, "I am worried about the situation with Belegwen and Erthalion."
"Oh, indeed." Rumil said, as he gave Haldir a look that told him the previous subject would be broached again later. "I suppose he is coming with us then, so we can watch over him?"
"Yes, it was part of Belegwen's decree that we take him along and watch him so the same situation will not occur again. Still, I do not think this is the right course of action, but there will be no swaying her. He must come along." Haldir said, clearly frustrated as he put one hand over his face in exasperation.
"I assume you do not want this?" Rumil questioned as he watched him closely.
Haldir rolled his eyes, his annoyance continuing to grow. "Of course I do not want this! It is one more thing to worry about! I cannot even talk it over with her because I fear I will lose her cooperation and I need her to be working with me if we are going to lead this army!" He said, getting progressively louder.
After realizing that he was nearly yelling at Rumil, he put his hands over his face and laid down on the balcony, his feet still dangling off the side. The stress of everything was pressing down on him with the force of a boulder and could barely move under its weight. The fact that Rumil was viewing his weakness right now was not helping the situation either.
Despite this, he did feel a bit of comfort as Rumil's hand clamped down tightly over his shoulder. "Brother," he said softly, but steadily, "Everything will work out according to plan."
After a long pause, Haldir whispered back, "I hope you are right."
ooOoo
After a long day, Belegwen entered the stairwell that led up to the warden's quarters and slowly ascended the stairs. She was more tired than she had imagined possible. Belegwen had no idea what she could do about it either because the soldiers of Lothlorien were meeting up with the soldiers from Imladris outside of the Golden Wood early the next morning.
The last few days had seemed like an eternity as Belegwen had worked nonstop on the list that Haldir had given her, doing everything from teaching extra sword lessons to strategizing with Lord Celeborn. Now all she really wanted was a nice bath and to get a few hours of sleep before dawn. However, there was one last thing on her list.
See Marchwarden Haldir for last minute assignments.
Somehow, that was not an appealing end to the list.
Feeling annoyed and rather sad that she had not been able to attend the leave taking celebration that was still going on, Belegwen slowly made her way through the warden's halls and soon found herself in front of Haldir's doorway.
For a long while she stood there in silence, listening to the light music and sounds of merriment that could be detected even at the top of the warden's halls. Honestly, Belegwen was a bit afraid of what Haldir might say when she went in there. She had already checked the draft sheet to make sure that Erthalion was going and he was, but Belegwen knew Haldir would not be happy about it. Also, if he was under the same amount of stress that she was, he might not be in a very good mood.
Indeed, she had heard rumors of an overly snarky marchwarden terrorizing those who showed any sort of incompetence during his last few classes. Though she had not seen Haldir in the last few days, she imagined that such tales were not far from the truth.
Truly, she did not want to see Haldir if he was angry. She was giving him one more chance, one last chance, and she did not want him to spoil it because of the numerous things that were sure to be plaguing his mind. No, she wanted things to go according to plan this time. Neither of them needed to start fading again at a time like this.
Gathering up her strength of will, she quietly knocked on his door and was surprised when it immediately opened. She found herself standing face to face with one tired, but smiling marchwarden. The moment his eyes flickered down and up her body seductively, she knew there would not be any last minute assignments.
At least, not any unpleasant ones.
"Marchwarden." She said, acknowledging him formally. Belegwen was determined to maintain their cover until the door was closed, even if his eyes were already wandering lasciviously over her body.
Belegwen quickly walked in and watched as Haldir shut the door. After that welcome, she had expected him to come onto her immediately, but was surprised when he looked at her face with analyzing eyes. "Belegwen." He finally said, greeting her rather belatedly. "Shall we sit on the balcony?" He said, reaching a hand out to her all while staring into her eyes. Neither of them could look away.
She gently took hold of his smooth hand and he slowly started to pull her towards the balcony, a mysterious smile on his face—one she had not seen before. "You have been planning something." She said softly as intrigue danced in her eyes.
"Perhaps," he answered, stopping as they stood on the balcony. He put his hands on her hips and suddenly drew very close to her. "Are you still angry with me?" He whispered, his lips tickling the edge of her ear gently as he held her close.
"No." She whispered back, pulling away to look into his mischievous eyes. "I am not."
He smiled down at her. "Very well then. My lady, may I have this dance?" He asked. However, he only gave her a enough time to make an awestruck face before grabbing her up and whirling her around the balcony to the light wisps of a fast dance that could be heard well-enough from their perch above the city.
Belegwen gasped as she was lifted into the air while he twirled. Quickly, she got her muddled mind pulled together and felt her feet leading her in a familiar dance that she had not partaken in for a rather long time. Not surprisingly, Haldir was quite light on his feet and together they moved more smoothly than she ever remembered moving during a dance. It was almost as if she could anticipate his motions...
It was almost as if she could hear him counting out the beats in her mind.
Surely that was only her imagination though. Belegwen knew as well as any other elf that a mind connection could only form between two elves if they were married. Belegwen had not went through any such ceremony with Haldir.
A bit confused with this new discovery, Belegwen quickly put it out of her head and tried to concentrate on moving with him, meeting his eyes and smiling as they danced in the glow of the silver leaves.
After three strong dances, Haldir suddenly dropped to the ground and Belegwen let out a small yelp as he took her with him to the floor. His body easily cushioned her landing though and with a single glance into his eyes, she knew he had done that on purpose. Tickled with this mindless flirtation, Belegwen giggled as he playfully kissed her on the face while rolling around on the balcony with her. When she finally managed to get on top again, both stopped to catch their breath, though the magical twinkle in their eyes never faded.
"You are a good dancer." Belegwen said with a large smile, her hand stroking his rosy cheek gently as they looked at one another.
"Indeed, and you have much improved since we last danced. You do remember that occasion, do you not?" He asked as he pulled the upper half of her body closer to his, both of them finally starting to breath normally again.
"Oh. Oh, you remember that?!" She asked, looking at him with shock. "I cannot believe you remember that!"
"How could I forget those olden days when Lord Celeborn was so desperately trying to make you into 'a proper lady.' You had such a terrible look of ire on your face while we danced that one would have thought I had sent you into the very clutches of Sauron himself."
"Yes... well, learning to dance was just one more step in a direction I did not wish to head. I hope you were not too offended by my rudeness at the time." She said, remembering how she had 'accidentally' stomped on his toes to end her dance lesson that Lord Celeborn had insisted upon. Feeling a bit embarrassed with her younger self's rebellion, she looked down at Haldir and began drawing small circles on his chest idly with a feather-light touch that made him shiver involuntarily underneath her.
"No, I was not. Even I had heard the gossip about you not complacently following Lord Celeborn's orders at the time. I was very much not surprised by your uprising." That said, his lips lifting up to hers with a ferocity that she immediately latched onto.
It was the first deep kiss they had shared since their three month fight and the moment their lips touched, there was almost an electric shock of power which passed between the two of them. Immediately, Belegwen felt her body nearly explode with passion as his lips caressed hers with a harshness that suggested just how much he had missed her during his absence.
When they finally broke away, both panting heavily, Belegwen quickly asked airily, "Is everything in place for tomorrow or are there more things for us to complete?"
Immediately, Haldir's visage scrunched into a look of confusion. Belegwen decided to elaborate. "I meant, was there truly anything more I needed to do tonight, or was that a mistake on the list you made for me?"
Haldir's odd face immediately returned to normal and he kissed her once again, this time much softer, before replying. "No, all is prepared for our leave tomorrow, but it was no mistake either. I was hoping for your company tonight, sweet warden. May I have it?" He questioned, looking serious for the first time that night. "It will be our last opportunity for a long time."
Belegwen looked down as a sad feeling passed over her. Perhaps it would be their last time ever. What if he died? Confound it all, she knew such thoughts were ruining the mood between them, yet she could not seem to stop them.
"Belegwen, do not think such things." Haldir said softly, as she quickly got to her feet in an attempt to avoid him and his questioning. "I am not going to die."
There was a long bout of silence before she finally managed to turn back towards him, only to find him standing a mere two paces away from her. "You read my thoughts." She accused, though her voice sounded more confused than angry.
"Yes, I did." He admitted with an equally confused look on his face. "Though... I do not know how." He said, trailing off softly.
Belegwen put her hand over her forehead in irritation and seemed to be struggling for words that refused to come. Worriedly, Haldir came over to her and gently pried the hand away from her face before gripping both of her hands tightly in his own. "Belegwen, I will talk to the lady about these odd occurrences when we return. Do not fret, I am certain she will have an explanation-"
"Haldir, you think you are going to die!" She suddenly blurted out, grasping his hands as tightly as she could. She had felt it, heard the thought whisper in the back of her head and now she was suddenly terrified for him. The world blurred around her and she started to breathe heavily as panic set in.
Just before she lost all control, she felt his strong hands push her up against the wall with a little more force than she was used to. While the action had not really hurt, it surprised her and so she stared up at him, giving him her full attention.
"Belegwen, listen to me." He said with a commanding tone. "I do not understand what is happening to us, but I need you to cease your panicking. We have to leave tomorrow working together and looking fearless as we go and face the bowels of Arda. If something should happen to me, you must lead; you know this. I trust you to do this and you must promise me you will, no matter how terrible you feel. We have sworn ourselves to this duty before all else and we must see it through to the very end. You are ready for such feats, if the need should arise. Now promise me you will do this." He stated calmly.
A large entourage of emotions passed over Belegwen after hearing this. As clearly as day, she could sense the thoughts he had about the lady's mirror, the image of his brother within, and the hypothesis he had come up with himself. Indeed, it felt odd to read someone else's thoughts, almost invasive. After all, neither had consented to allow such a thing, yet here it was.
Could Haldir be wrong though? Belegwen could think of very few instances where his instincts had failed him. The belief that he was wrong, however, would be the only thing that would sustain her throughout the journey to Helm's Deep and so she clung her hope with the strength of a mortal.
Never had she imagined that she might have to choose between duty and love. Haldir had already made his choice, but Belegwen had known that all along. He had married into the life of a soldier first and would defend his land no matter the cost. Belegwen did not have quite as much devotion as him. Few did. However, deep down, she knew what must be done.
"I promise Haldir." She said softly, "I promise that if you should fall, I will push my emotions aside and lead as you have trained me."
Both of them stared at each other intensely as they analyzed the seriousness of the situation. The mutual feeling of shared duty lingered between them and united them mentally in a way that nothing else would.
Then, without a second's hesitation, Haldir kissed her boldly, with the passion of an elf who had been starved. Indeed, he had been starved for her for more than three months now. Quickly melding together, they made love one last time before their leave-taking the next morning.
ooOoo
Edited by P.G. on 05/29/20.
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review! I really do like to know what everyone thinks and with these large breaks between chapters, I often worry that the reading isn't well connected or that I forget important details. Please let me know what you think!
-P.G.